


Roses are Red, Violets are Adored (Viadore/group fic)

by Remeny



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF, rpdr - Fandom
Genre: Cancer, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sick Character, Sickfic, Viadore - Freeform, Violet Chachki has nightmares, katlaska, remeny
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-25
Updated: 2018-01-13
Packaged: 2018-09-19 19:00:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 186
Words: 195,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9456362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Remeny/pseuds/Remeny
Summary: Violet Chachki isn't feeling so well and they're trying not to let anyone know. Then the worst happens, Vi is seriously ill and 2 days into a new relationship with their best friend Adore. Will their relationship stay strong or will Violet be in the hospital in a strange city all alone.





	1. Queen down!

(Author’s note: I’d love any feedback y'all have for me, including constructive criticism! I am aware that sometimes my spelling and grammar aren’t always the best. Love, Remény)

Chapter 1  
Violet’s POV

It was only midnight and we were already loading onto the tour bus for the Battle of the Season’s tour. Slowly each girl stumbled up the stairs in various levels of drunkeness/stonedness or sobriety in the case of Katya and Alaska, Alaska was half dragging and half carrying Jinkx and Katya was bringing up the rear with a very extra mellow Pearl.

I didn’t realize that I was stopping the flow of traffic into the bus until I heard

“WAKE UP VI! WAKE UP!” screamed at me from the back of the line. 

“Sorry” I mumbled quickly falling into a heap on the couch, I shook my head repeatedly trying to knock myself out of this fog of exhaustion that had been plaguing me for the past few weeks. 

“Yo Vi, y'ok?” drawled Alaska, coming over and putting her slender arm around my waist. “Did you drink too much? Do you need help to your bunk because I think the Russian hooker is available to draaag you. pun intended.” Alaska was such a Mom, not literally (even though fans have been calling us Mom for the past few months, which was totes weird, do they NOT know WE ARE MEN!

“Did somebody call for a hooker?” Katya asked coming down the hallway after putting Pearl to bed. Bianca came bursting out of the tiny bathroom, almost running over Katya in her wake.

“Watch out bitch, hurricane coming through!” she said with a little chuckle, whirl-winding to the back of the bus. 

I was trying so much to stay awake, what the fuck was wrong with me? It was only midnight, early for me usually but for the past few weeks I have struggled to stay awake even at the meet and greets.

“Everyone on?” the gruff but kind bus driver, Alex barked.

There was a chorus of “yep” “yah” “mmmhmmm"s

“BINGO!” yelled Willam, making the whole bus giggle.

“Da, my vse zdes’” Katya said, almost bouncing off the walls, the girl had more energy than the energizer bunny.

“KATYA WE DON'T SPEAK RUSSIAN!" the majority of the bus yelled at her which made her do her scream cackle.

“Bitch, if you keep laughing like that, I’m gonna stick my Louis Vuitton up your ass” Willam called.

“ha! a red bottom in Katya’s red bottom” Bianca called, coming back down the hallway into the living room/kitchen area.

I had been nodding off and on for the past little bit and let out a heavy sigh. I went to get up and fell back against Alaska, who yelped. My body felt like they were made bricks instead of bones.

“Are you ok? You’re drunk guuuurl” Alaska asked in concern after finally being pulled to my feet by Katya.

I hadn’t drank anything but water and a bit of diet pepsi but I sure as hell wasn’t gonna tell them that!

“Girl, go to bed, you look like shit” Bianca said, matter of factly.

“Gee thanks” I muttered, heading to the bathroom where I pulled my drawer out and pulled out a large Tshirt and a pair of comfy boxers, slowly stripping off my robe and then my cute swarovski crystaled burlesque outfit, swearing quietly by the large bruise blooming on my hip bone, shades of purple and blue and black. I pulled on my Tshirt then I puffed out my cheeks like a blowfish letting the air out slowly while gripping the side of the sink for support while I lifted up one leaden leg.  
Suddenly, just as you know it’s gonna happen at the end of the movie Titanic, I knew I was going down and as Willam would say “not in a good way”.


	2. I'm so fucking hot

TW-Medical emergency  
“The door is jammed” I heard a slightly panicked voice that I thought belonged to Alaska say.

“Maybe she locked it, get me a butter knife B?” I heard Katya’s voice then I suddenly didn’t care anymore and succumbed to sleep.

“GOT IT!” Katya said, opening the door to the bathroom, the air was cool on my face. 

I felt someone lean over me and grab my wrist, it took a moment for it to sink in that they were checking for a pulse. 

“She’s got a heartbeat, I didn’t even know she had one!” Bianca whispered. My reputation proceeded me, I mused even though I was definitely a much better person after drag race, I was always a better person but I couldn’t let anyone else see that. I can’t be weak, I thought.

Then I realized I was crumpled on the floor, which made me so fucking weak. Well fuck!

“Should we ask Alex to stop? Do you want me to check where the nearest hospital is? Should we call an ambulance?” Sharon’s voice was added to the din of whispers except not in a very good attempt at a whisper, she sounded absolutely terrified.

I had totally forgotten that she had joined the tour tonight.

“no” I said, finally pulling myself somewhat out of the dense layer of fog that was currently taking residency in my brain again. My eyelids felt like iron so it took a few chances before the fluttering turned into half open eyes. my vision blurred and then refocused on Bianca kneeling next to me.

“m'ok” I slurred.

“Bullshit.” Bianca scoffed, then I felt a cool hand on my forehead. “holy fuck! You’re hotter than the piece of trade outside the side door at the bar tonight! Alaska grab me a pillow, some advil from my bunk. It’s in my blue carry-on bag. Katya, can you step around her and get a washcloth with cool water. Sharon, get some juice or soda from the fridge for her to take it with and check the first aid kit to see if the have a thermometer by any chance in the first aid box under the sink” Bianca fired off in quick succession. 

I heard running footsteps and I thought people were being a bit melodramatic. 

“hey Vi?” Bianca asked in a voice filled with gentleness. “stay with me ok? Are you hurt anywhere? Did you hit your head?” She didn’t wait for my answer but started feeling my head. 

“groff me!” I said, trying to sound bitchy but just sounding small. I felt a cool cloth on my forehead and I sighed loudly. I felt arms scoop me up like I weighed no more than a bag of oranges. ha as if! 

“Move that shit off the couch!” Bianca barked and I jumped, she was the person carrying me.

I heard stuff thunking and imagine someone just swiped an arm across the couch. I wanted to tell them to be careful with other people’s stuff but the words got stuck between my brain and my mouth.

“I’m going to sit you up for a moment, you need some medicine” Bianca said, putting me gently on the couch. I groaned.

“I know baby, just a minute” Alaska coaxed. “I’ve got some orange juice here for you hun.”

I tried to take it but my vision doubled then tripled. I reached for the glass, missing by a long shot. 

“let me help” I opened my eyes and finally focused enough to see the concerned faces swimming in front of me. Bianca shoved pills in my mouth without so much as a warning, which made me gag.

“shhhh” Alaska cooed putting a straw up to my lips. The liquid was cool and tangy. I hadn’t had orange juice in such a long time. I drained the glass till I could hear the slurping sound and the glass was empty. Closing my eyes again and drifting off for a indeterminate amount of time.

“We can’t put her in her bunk” Sharon said “She’s on the top bunk, above me. What if she falls out”

“She can have my bunk, just give me a second to clear it out” Alaska drawled her voice sounding a bit less panicked. The cloth was removed from my forehead and a new one replaced it. Suddenly I was being picked up again. I managed the flutter my eyes open, expecting to see Bianca and looked up at Katya’s kind face.  
“hey hooker!” she gave me a faltering smile with worry clouding behind her baby blue eyes. “it’s gonna be ok”

I heard someone pulling the curtain around the berth open and I was deposited softly into the bed, blankets were pulled up to my chest, I was so cold now that my teeth were chattering. 

“Here, take my blanket too.” Sharon said softly. “I think that…”

I never found out what Sharon was thinking because as soon as I laid there a moment, I was out.


	3. Eyes in the darkness.

(Constructive criticism welcome my dears!! Thank you so much for the encouragement! My grammar, pronouns and spelling may be off in some places! Enjoy! Love, Remény

Chapter 3

Violet’s POV

I woke up feeling like I was burning up, I kicked off my blankets. I rolled into the fetal position on my side facing the hallway, Even with my eyes still closed it felt better, easier to breathe. I didn’t like to close the curtains I liked a little bit of light in, it made me feel less claustrophobic. I felt like I was in a coffin with it closed. 

NO JASON! DON’T THINK ABOUT THAT! my brain yelled at me.

I shook my head as if shaking my memories out. I could feel the prick of tears and blinked my eyes open letting out a little squeak when I saw eyes looking back at me. I covered up my mouth quickly.

“Who’s there?” I whispered, sounding shaky and cursing at myself in my head.

“It’s me dipshit!” I heard Adore’s voice, even though I couldn’t really see her I knew she was grinning by her voice. Even when whispering her voice sounded a bit loud.

“party! hi chola!” I said weakly.

She chuckled low. "How ya feeling? I thought you were infallible bitch.”

I chuckled softly, purposefully ignoring her question, “I’m sure it’s just a bug. Thank God Michelle is anal retentive about hand sanitizer in every fucking corner of this bus, hopefully no one else gets sick! what time is it?” I said, swiping my hand across my sweat drenched forehead, raking my fingers through my sopping hair. Disgusting, I cringed.

I saw Adore’s face illuminated by her phone. “It’s around 6am, it’s hard as fuck to tell back here in the bunks.”

"Mmhm” I muttered, already feeling the arms of sleep dragging me down.

“Don’t go to sleep yet bitch, you need meds. Be right back” She thumped away and it seems like she returned hours later as I lay there fighting to stay awake. I felt a bit better, I still hurt everywhere but my thought process was clearer and even though I was fighting sleep, I felt less exhausted than I have been. I hated that I couldn’t hide how shitty I was feeling anymore. People will keep asking how I am and I’m hoping that the past won’t repeat itself and that I won’t freak out. Again.

“You’re stronger now, you’re stronger” my brain reassured me and I wondered how my brain could be my worst enemy and my best friend.

Adore interrupted my train of thought, “sit up a bit hun,” Adore said “can you hold the cup or do you need help?” She asked with no pity or condemnation in her voice. I reached out for the cup, pleased when my vision stayed so there was only one cup not three. I took the cup but my hands were shaking and damp with sweat and the cup started slipping. My mouth formed an o shape as I saw the cup fall in slow motion. Adore, moving like a cat, caught it up in her hands.

“You don’t always have to do everything by yourself Jason.” Oh crap, I know the queens mean business when they use my birth name, I bowed up to fight but quickly lost steam and let out a quiet stream of expletives. “Ok ok I know! I’m sorry! I’m a bitch.”

“No you aren’t!” Adore said grabbing one of my shoulders and shaking it none too softly. I was very glad that she couldn’t see me wince in the darkness. “You’re misunderstood but I see you, I see that wall you work so hard to keep up. You don’t have to be that person anymore. You aren’t fooling me.” Adore said emotion thick in her voice. She turned on her phone so it softly lit up the bunk. 

She mimed throwing the pills in my mouth and smiled, her eyes twinkling. Her whole face changed when she smiled and I was reminded once again that she wasn’t what she seemed either. I was the bitch and she was dumb. We were neither. I smiled back as she said “open sesame!" Sticking the pills in my mouth and putting the straw up to my lips. I didn’t even ask what it was. I still didn’t know what it was. I didn’t care, I was parched and slurped it all down.

“What is that?” I said, licking my lips.

“Gatorade or as Bianca calls it HATERade, it’s strawberry-kiwi flavoured I think. I dunno, it was in the fridge and I thought electrolytes would be good for you since you have a fever.”

I was being pulled away by sleep again, my chin nodded towards my chest and Adore caught me up and laid me down so I wouldn’t hit my head.

“Thanks bitch!” I gave a small smile.

“You’re welcome bitch!” she grinned back, she leaned over and kissed my forehead and I was out yet again.


	4. The Bitch is Back!

Chapter 4

Adore’s point of view

I knelt on the floor by Violet’s bed and watched the beautiful queen sleep for a bit. They were so pale, their skin almost looked translucent, showing the network of veins underneath clearly. They tossed and turned for a few minutes and I grabbed their hand in mine and slowly rubbed circles on Vi’s turned back with my free hand. I felt like I could feel all the bones in the tiny queens back. I was so tired but promised Bianca that I would keep an eye on Vi since I didn’t perform last night and went to bed early. I folded in on myself for just a moment. Just one moment.

I was startled awake by someone poking me, I could see light coming from the living room end of the bus but it was impossible to tell the time. 

A cell phone light came on and I saw Katya’s mischievous grin as she stared down at my hand that was still intertwined with Vi’s. I blushed and shook my head at her. I put my finger up to my mouth and pointed to the living room. 

She upended herself so she was walking on her hands towards the light, her shadow in the sunlight looked like a sea monster.  
I checked on Vi who didn’t seem to be as pale but was still sleeping deeply and slowly pulled my fingers from Vi’s slender delicate ones.

I walked groggily into the too bright living room and saw Katya and Bianca’s semi-worried faces. 

“How are they?” They both said at once.

“Jinks!” Katya said bouncing in her seat. I swear she was like a 10 year old.

“They’re ok, I gave them more meds around 6. They were very warm but they drank almost a whole bottle of haterade.” I said and Bianca chuckled “What time is it now?” realizing I had left my phone back in Vi’s bunk.

“Almost 9.” Bianca said, stretching and going into the tiny kitchen and pulling the pot of coffee out and pouring two cups, she shoved one into my hand as she went by. I took a tentative sip, expecting it to be bitter because I liked sugar in it but Bianca had put sugar in it for me. I beamed at her. My Mom always taught me that it’s the little things that matter. I focused on my coffee and hugged it to myself, deep in my own thoughts.

Katya was now doing a ridiculously impossible yoga move. 

“You are a 10 year old acting pretzel!” I exclaimed, rolling my eyes and laughing as she stuck her tongue out at me.  
I looked out the window and worried about Vi. I hope they were going to be ok. They are my friend and the tour wouldn’t be the same without them. I liked Vi’s sharp wit and we had had many really deep conversations at night when we were both plagued with insomnia. 

They told me a lot of things that made their personality make sense but Vi was slowly changing and it made my heart smile at the thought.

My thoughts were rudely interrupted by a sunglass-clad Jinkx who was groaning and holding their head. Their hair was in a thousand directions at once, making them look like they accidentally stuck their finger in the light socket of the bunk.

“How’s your head?” I asked

“Oh they haven’t had any complaints!” Bianca cackled and Katya sputtered and choked on her coffee. Bianca pounded her on the back.

Jinkx winced. 

“There’s advil on the counter gurl, it’ll make your head seem smaller.” I said amidst giggles at Katya who’s shirt was covered in coffee. She stuck her tongue out and crossed her eyes at me, causing me to sputter on my full mouth of coffee but I managed to swallow it before I could spray it everywhere.

“At least Adore swallows!” Bianca joked, which caused Katya another sputter and cough.

“Mu'dak!” Katya said when she caught her breath. (ENG. asshole)

“WE DON'T SPEAK RUSSIAN KATYA!” We all said, laughing as quietly as possible both because of the sleeping queens and Jinkx’ big head.

“What are we gonna do about Vi?” I said, turning my baby Jesus eyes on Bianca.

“Yeah what ARE you going to do about me?” came Violet’s voice, a bit stronger than it has been in days.

“String you up by your toenails?” Bianca said.

“Make you ride on the roof so you don’t make us sick?” Jinkx offered. To which Vi smacked her hand on the counter with a devilish grin upon her face and Jinkx grabbed her head.

“Sheeee’s baaaack! Run!” I joked beckoning the queen over to sit by me.


	5. The Wheels on the Bus

I know the Viadore element hasn’t happened yet, but it will! :) Love, Remény

Chapter 5

Violet’s POV

I woke up in my bed alone. I faintly remember Adore rubbing my back last night…well more accurately this morning. Adore was pure sweetheart and I loved how helpful she was. I slowly moved around, testing my muscles and joints. I was still sore but not to the point it was last night. I put my hand on my forehead, but I guess a person can’t usually tell if they have a temp until it’s very high. Last night scared me and the only person allowed to know that right now was Adore. I trusted Adore more than almost anyone else. I know I could trust her with my innermost thoughts and know she wouldn’t blab them. Unlike others. 

I rolled over, landing the small of my back on something hard, I reached around and pulled a cellphone out. It took me a moment before I realized that it was Adore’s. The phone flashed on and her lockscreen was a picture of her, Courtney and I all smiling up at the camera with a giant ferris wheel behind us. That was the pier in Chicago. Was it Navy pier? I think so.

I smiled and flipped the phone off, pulling a pair of ugly but comfy jogging pants and a hoodie on before going out to the main area just as Adore was saying “What are we gonna do about Vi?” looking at the older queen as if she held all the wisdom in the world and maybe she did.

“Yeah what are you going to do about me?” I asked in the bitchiest tone I could muster but tempering it with a smile. 

After queens offered their oh-so-helpful advice of what to “do about me” I smacked the table, grinning a little at Jinkx big head. I’m so bad.

Adore beckoned me over and patted the seat beside her on the sofa. I went over, making sure to look each queen in the face as if to say, the bitch is back.

The pocket of my sweater started buzzing and I fished out Adore’s ringing phone from my pocket and handed it to her.   
She looked at the screen and smiled the biggest smile.

“Hey Mom! how are you?” she said, excusing herself from the room and into the bathroom. We all laughed and had question mark faces.

“Maybe she hadda go baffroom” Katya said, doing a perfect impersonation of the little girl in the movie Annie.

We all started howling with laugher. Jinkx clutched their head and ran down the hall. Katya got up and cartwheeled after them like the crazy ass she is.

It was just Bianca and I and she was staring me as if trying to scan my insides. I just sat there with my eyes averted, playing with the toggles on my sweatshirt.

I was in a maze filled with worries, bad memories at the moment.

Someone sat down beside me, I didn’t look up since Iwas lost in the din that my brain was causing.

“Hey girl, you look like you need a hug.” Alaska said.

I desperately did so I flung out my arms and the tall skinny queen held me against her bony chest for a very long time. Bianca must have left, it was just us. I was so close to tears. Alaska seemed to sense the emotions rising and pulled my chin up and stared into my eyes. 

“Cheer up love, we will see Kennedy when we get there and kiki with her all night since tonight is a night off!” Her face fell “if you feel up to it. Please don’t feel you have to stay up like if you get tired. You scared the shit out of us. Maybe when we get there, you should see a doctor?” she said tentatively.

“Nah I’m fine” I said, waving her off nonchalantly.

I was so glad that she didn’t feel what I was feeling, I was feeling super fatigued but no where near what I felt like last night.  
Alaska reached out and touched my forehead, making a frowny face.

“You are still pretty warm.” she said and abruptly stood up and went into the kitchen and then made some tea, toast with various small packets of different jams, putting it on the table.

“Do you want the orange or apple or do you want to split both and have ½ of each?” She asked, waving me over the the rickety little table.

“um….I’m not so hungry right now.” I said, averting my eyes.

“Jason Dardo, get your ass over here right NOW!” Alaska said with a face that was stern and smiling at the same time.

I really wasn’t hungry but I knew she was going to persist so I slowly got to my feet and dragged my ass over to the bench and sat beside her. She put her arm around me and gave my back a little pat, I smiled at her even though it felt like she had hit me with a bag of bricks because of my sore bones.

“Eat” Alaska said gently “at least some toast and the Gatorade if you can’t do the fruit or tea.”

I knew that even if I didn’t want to, I had to for Alaska’s sake. She passed me the toast plate and I took one and then with a glare from Alaska I took another one and passed the plate on to Katya, who also had a bowl of oatmeal and a slice of pizza on her plate. That girl could eat the house down, the house down.

The toast already had butter on it so I scowled, I really hate butter. I burrowed around in the basket of various jams and shit until I found a packet of honey and one of peanut butter, my old childhood favourite and not just my favourite but

‘NO JASON, DON’T THINK ABOUT THAT" my brain yelled at me. 

I felt a hand on mine and was surprised when I looked down. Someone had spread them on for me. Katya was sitting across from me licking and pretending to make out with a butter knife. Mystery solved! Everyone else looked at her and burst out laughing, including me which felt really good.

“Oh my God Katya!” I said still laughing as I pulled a pink coloured bottle of Gatorade over to me. I read the label and licked my lips knowing it was the same as last nights. Suddenly my mouth was so dry. So I took a few gulps and then turned my attention to my toast.

At the end of breakfast, I had managed to choke down 1 and almost a half pieces of toast with taking breaks to drink a whole bottle of Gatorade and some peppermint tea. 

By the time I was finished Adore had come out of the toilet, with a sad look on her face that she quickly covered with her fake stupid grin. Adore was just as walled as me, she just wasn’t a big bitch about it and preferred to look happy-go-lucky about it, which of course she sometimes was genuinely happy. Jinkx had gotten up and was cautiously nibbling a corner of a piece of toast, still wearing their sunglasses. Bianca was back out, talking quietly with Katya in a corner.

Pearl was just sauntering out of the bathroom, looking completely non-pulsed. Sharon was sitting in another seat looking like she was as far away as the clouds in thought, her head slightly bobbing at the music blaring from her ear buds. Every once in a while she would sneak a peek at Alaska who was doing up the dishes and quietly singing Lady Gaga’s “Born this Way”.

“Ladies, about 2 and a half hours before we get there.” Alex boomed across the speaker, causing Jinkx to cover their ears. Serves them right.

Suddenly there was a blood curdling scream from the back. Willam was up and causing chaos already, she probably couldn’t find her phone or something stupid and was yelling in frustration. At least no one was sleeping or they wouldn’t be anymore!  
Everyone ignored her, continuing to talk amongst themselves.

Willam let out a choked scream again.

Katya shot up and sprinted back to the back of the bus to see if something was wrong.


	6. A Beam of Light

TW: addiction (I have personal experience with addiction so please don’t get too mad at me!)

Chapter 6  
Katya’s point of view

I sprinted down the long hallway and skidded to a stop outside the last pair of berths. Willam’s face was ashen and he had a look of pain on his face.

“What’s happened Will?” I said kneeling down. 

“My back,” Willam whispered, trying to roll on his side, which he moaned and laid back on his back panting in pain “I shouldn’t have worn heels last night. Flat’s suck donkey balls though. Can you pass me my pain meds, they are in the bag at the bottom of my bunk. I tried to sit up to get them but I couldn’t.” a single tear leaked out of Willam’s eye and crashed onto the pillow, then another. I grabbed his bottle of meds, not trusting myself to look at what they were.

“Um….little help back here?” I hollered in a strangled voice down the hall, “bring some water or juice or something please!”

Willam’s hands were shaking too much to open the bottle. Fuck! I thought to myself, making sure that I kept my face compassionate and non rattled.

Bianca approached quickly, taking in the look on my face. She grabbed the meds out of my hand and softly said “beat it queen”.  
I let out a shaky breath and nodded, going to my bunk, curling into a ball and doing the best thing I could possibly do at the moment. I called Yvonne, my sponsor.

“Hi, it’s Brian,” I said being as quiet as I could although i don’t think anyone could hear me above the laughing at the end of the hall. “Yvonne, I’m having really hard few days.” I felt the start of tears and cursed myself at how fucking weak I was. I listened for a while and felt much calmer after I pressed the red end button. I knew that wasn’t enough though. Yvonne was all the way in Boston and I was somewhere near Texas.

“Alaska, can you come here for a minute?” I yelled but then wondered where we could talk.

“What’s up guuurl” Alaska drawled but the second she saw my tear streaked face, she deftly jumped up onto my bunk, origamiing her tall thin frame somehow to fit and shut the curtain. We were facing each other and I was having a hard time looking at her. She lifted my chin up and held it so I had no choice but to look at her concerned face.

“It’s happening again isn’t it?” she said in a whisper, not breaking eye contact with me. I nodded and my face crumpled as I put my hand up to my mouth, my shoulders shaking with silent sobs. She scooted closer and reached around me with her thin muscular arms til my head was resting on her shoulder. 

I cried it out then, all the fear of whether I could stay clean, all the worry that people wouldn’t like me if I wasn’t my usual happy appearing self, what if I got kicked off the tour and disappointed my fans that I couldn’t believe were so great to me and the stress of being in night clubs most nights where there was ample drugs and alcohol too. 

I was clutching on to the back of Alaska’s T-shirt while she whispered “shhh it’s ok baby shhh” to me while rubbing my back. When I seemed to have no more tears left, I let go of her shirt and looked at her with a grateful smile. 

She looked hesitant “Do you have anything on you I should know about?” she asked even though it was painfully evident on her face that she didn’t want to ask it.

“No but I was tempted to take one of Willam’s pain pills while I was helping him.” I said looking down again.

She thought for a minute and then said firmly “but you didn’t Brian, but YOU DIDN’T!” She said shaking my shoulders gently “When are you going to give yourself any credit? You left the situation with Willam when Bianca got there, you called me over. Don’t you see that? Don’t you see how fucking strong you are?” once again lifting my chin and cupping my face, “You, Katya Zamoblablabla, are one of the strongest people I know.”

I blushed but she wouldn’t let me go. she leaned over and kissed my forehead and enveloped me again in another hug and just as I thought I had cried it all out, I started once again but this time amidst the darkness there was a beam of light burning it away.  
After a while, it could have been hours or minutes, I lifted my head up to see tears glinting on Alaska’s face.

“Hello my name is Brian and I am a drug addict and alcoholic.”

Alaska beamed at me and replied with “Hi Brian! My name is Justin and I am an alcoholic and drug addict."

“hiiiieee Justin” I said, feeling light. As she was climbing down from my bunk I looked at her and let out a little giggle. “you look like a hot mess bitch! You shirt is all wet and your face is all streaky”

“Takes one to know one!” she said and sashayed towards her bunk with her signature wiggle.


	7. Wake up Violet, wake up!

Chaoter 7  
Violet’s POV

I was startled awake by Alex announcing “Half an hour ladies” and everyone cheering. I opened my eyes to see Pearl’s smiling face.

“Wake up Violet, wake up!” she said sending the whole bus into cackles of laughter.  
“Hey that’s my line” I grinned. Suddenly realizing my head was resting on her lap, I tried to get up, embarrassed but she pushed me back down. 

“oh stawp bitch!” she said in her slow voice “You fell asleep and your neck was all bended back, it was super attractive but I thought a sore neck might make you a bigger bitch so I thought I’d help you out.” she said with a glint of mirth in her eye.

“s'up” I said, trying to make my voice low but failing.

“Now you’re stealing my line bitch” she said grinning and shaking her head. “I heard you had an accident last night, y'ok? Sorry I was too fucked up to help out.” she blushed.  
“It wasn’t that big a deal…"I started to say but about a billion people interrupted me.

“I had to pick the lock. Thank you craigslist for teaching me how. I also had to carry your ass” Katya said putting her hands together like she was praying while laughing at the same time.

“Me too. I had to make sure you were alive and tell everyone what to do.” Bianca said in her grumpy voice.

“Yeah because it’s so unusual for you to boss people around!” Adore said sardonically, rolling her eyes. “I didn’t mind checking in on ya, we’re family!”

“You sweat all over my sheets!” Alaska half complained but with a cheeky grin.

“Thank you guys.” I said, feeling my face flush.

Pearl looked down at me sternly and said “And their heart grew 3 sizes that day. Don’t get soft on us now Vi."

The whole bus burst into laughter, I could hear Willam in the back doing his giggle snort. Katya was scream laughing. Bianca was cackling. Adore was laughing her crazy chola laugh. Jinkx looked like their mouth unhinged at the jaw when they laughed. Alaska was laughing so hard she was completely silent, clapping her hands and rocking back and forth. Sharon’s face was bright red with mirth. I could feel the vibration of Pearl’s low chuckle and joined in. Even Alex’s low rumble reached us. 

Thankfully we were all sitting on furniture or in Katya’s case, sitting with her legs behind her head because the bus screeched to a stop.

Alex’s voice came across the speaker “We are here ladies. I pulled into the bay closest to the hotel so please get your bags as quickly as possible. I have been instructed by Michelle to tell you to leave your drag here and just take what is necessary.”

Just then Bianca’s phone buzzed, she checked quickly and said “Wait, I need someone to help me carry Willam and someone to gather her things.” before she even finished the sentence, Alaska and Katya stepped up.

“Fuck that!” Willam cursed from the back.

“I’ll help carry her” Katya said sharing a look with Alaska. I wonder what that is about.

“Oh and can someone stay with Vi?”

“Goddammit, I’m fine!” I half shouted.

Bianca approached and put her hand on my forehead, I swatted her away.

“Your skin colour and temperature beg to differ Hunty!”

“I’ll help” Pearl said, uncharacteristically she was usually the first off and the first to disappear after Michelle met us in the lobby and gave us our room keys. 

“C'mon girl” Pearl said, leading me to get my stuff in the back where Willam was already cursing in pain.


	8. Rockin' Grannies and Rude Receptionists

chapter 8  
Violet’s POV  
We congregated in the lobby of the hotel, I can only imagine how we looked. Jinkx was still wearing their sunglasses, they had brushed their hair at least and put it up. I had mine in a messy bun and I couldn’t wait to have a nice hot shower.

Willam was bitching as usual, sitting in a wheelchair provided by the hotel and yelping every time she tried to stand up.

“Give it a rest,” Bianca said, making sure not to swear in a public place. Her face was red as if she might blow. “Where is Michelle? I texted her back as soon as the bus arrived.”

“Stop whinging, I’m right here!” Michelle said, stepping around the corner.

“What the heck is whinging?” I said.

“It means complaining Vi. You spend too much time in the UK bi..baby.” Bianca said, catching herself.

“Good save” Katya said in a low whisper with a snigger.

“Alright alright enough!” Michelle said as if she could blow smoke out of her ears. “I’m gonna give out room keys and I don’t want any complaints, ok?” she said not giving us a chance to respond before continuing. 

“Alaska and Katya room 204” both of the queens smiled broad grins and shared a look.

“Pearl and Sharon room 205” both queens nodded, remaining neutral.

“Jinkx you will be in room 206 and Kennedy is going to stay over so you can all kiki” Jinkx smiled half a smile and took their key.

“Bianca and Willam room 207, I need to speak with you so I will come up in a minute after you are settled”

“Adore and Violet, you are in 209 but I need to speak to you a minute before you head up.” Adore swiped up the key before I could get up from the chair I was leaning on. She had a half grin on her face. 

“Ok, you can do anything you want tonight so have fun but remember, don’t drink too much, we don’t want hangovers for tomorrows performances.” she said looking at Pearl, Sharon and Jinkx pointedly.  
“Git!” Michelle said jokingly, pointing her thumb toward the elevators “Oh and I am in 208 if you need ANYTHING.”

She did mean anything, it’s been a long time since I said “I hate Michelle Visage” and I’ve grown to like her. I can’t say I love her but she gets shit done and I like that.

“Vi I heard you were sick, do you need to go to the Doctor?” she said coming over and feeling my forehead. I really wish people would stop doing that. “You’re a little warm, do you have advil to keep your fever down? If not, go into the little store attached to the check in desk and get what you need including plenty of liquids please. Just charge it to the room. Feel free to get room service if you don’t feel like going out. Adore can I count on you to look out for Vi?”

Adore nodded earnestly.

“Ok, what room am I in if you need me?”

“208” we both said in unison and laughed.

“See you in a bit, I gotta go talk to the other two. please, for the love of all things holy, come and get me if you aren’t feeling any better.” she said and then turned around waving.

We went into the little store, where everything cost about 5x the regular amount. We shrugged at each other and grabbed some diet pepsi for me and coke for her, doritos, gummy bears and some gatorade. We almost forgot the advil so Adore grabbed it while a snide girl mumbled something about fags. I was too tired to fight with her but Adore bowed up immediately.

“I want to speak to your manager NOW” she hissed through a clenched jaw. I put my hand on her arm but she shook her head. I just wanted to lay down but I didn’t trust Adore alone.

“Vanguard bitches” I said, quietly, making Adore snort.

A rather uptight looking man came around the corner, looking dismayed.

“What is the problem ladies…er…gentlemen…people?” he said awkwardly turning a plum colour. I found it amusing when people didn’t know my gender, I don’t know, I took a weird satisfaction in it.  
“What seems to be the problem?” he said, regaining his composure quite impressively.

“She called us fags” Adore said heatedly, pointing at the blonde girl with her scowling face looking like she just ate a shit sandwich.

“No I didn’t!!” she protested. I couldn’t believe she was lying. Desperate much bitch?

As Adore was sucking in air to respond when a woman came out of the corner of the store carrying some soda water. (ew)

“Excuse me” she said with a British accent “I heard the whole thing. It was completely unprovoked, they were just trying to buy their items.”

“You!” the manager said pointing at the girl who looked like a caged animal “this is your last and final warning, DO YOU HEAR ME?” he was worked up and yelling at the end.

She scurried into the back.

“Your stuff is on the house and please accept my heartfelt apology.” he said managing a faltering smile.

“Apology accepted and thank you, please put this lady’s items on our tab” I tried to give him our room card but he waved it away. 

“No no, thank you for stepping forward m'am! None of you need worry, she will be working in the laundry until she can learn some manners. Again I’m so sorry!!”

We waved goodbye and exited the store, catching up with the lady at the elevators.

“Thank you so much!” We both said at the same time. She put her soda in her pocket and grabbed each of our hands. “Listen to me, don’t pay any attention to small minded bigots, I have plenty of them in my own family.” She said sadly and shook her head, “my grandson is gay and he is a huge fan of you two! Him and I watch it every week!” She chuckled, “we break the law for you! We watch the show online because it doesn’t air in the UK. Are you ok Violet? You look pale dear.”

My chin almost hit the floor. “Holy crap, you know who we are? Why didn’t you say so?! I’m so glad this elevator is slow as fuck!” I covered my mouth about to apologize when she said.

“It’s slow as fuck indeed.” We all laughed as the elevator door dinged open. She was on the second floor in the opposite direction from us and I grabbed her wrist.

“Do you have a cell phone? We’d love to send a video to your grandson and if you tell us which hotel room you are in, we’ll make sure you both get some goodies.” Adore said.

“Or we can drop them off at the desk if you aren’t ok with us knowing your room number. what’s your grandson’s name?” I added quickly.

“His name is Brett. That would be lovely and I’m in 215! You visit anytime!” she handed us her iphone. Adore and I gathered into the frame.

“Hi Brett, it’s Violet and” I started, pointing the camera at Adore.

“Adore and we wanted to say that your grandma is awesome and saved our asses!” She chuckled.  
“We are also so thankful to you for watching the show and glad you like it!” I added

“We’re gonna make sure we send you lots of goodies with your rocking granny and if we can get your social media info, we would love to follow you” Adore said and I nodded.

“Brett I’m glad you are in safe hands and I just wanted to say it gets better”

“Exactly!” Adore added “bye for now Brett we hope this makes your day brighter!”

We both waved and I clicked the stop button, I was glad that the video was over as my joints were starting to hurt badly but I was still grinning so big it hurt my cheeks.

“Thank you so much! This will make his day!” We parted ways.

“Oh Violet?” She said about halfway down the hall, making me turn around to look at her. “Feel better love!” She smiled and turned again.

Well hell!


	9. Cold showers and giggles

Katya’s POV

Alaska and I sorted out who wanted what bed. I didn’t care so ‘Lasky took the one closest to the bathroom.

“You are so weird!” I exclaimed while watching her put her clothes in the drawers.

“Whaaaaat?” she drawled “I like to put my clothes in the drawers if I’m staying more than one night. It makes me feel normal.”

“Bitch, there ain’t one normal bone in your tiny ass body!” I pretzeled myself and laughed.

“Truuuueee.” she said nodding before closing the drawer and face-planting onto her bed. She laid there for a moment and then turned her squished face towards me.

“How ya feeling?” she said gently. 

I looked down and didn’t answer which she apparently didn’t like because she yelled “BRIAN MCCOOK! I’M GONNA GET YOU!” jumping up on her bed and leaping on mine which I had just vacated. I squealed and ran into the bathroom but the door wouldn’t lock.

“FUCK!” I said and tried to hide under the sink but ended up curled in the corner of the shower. 

Obviously she would know where I was but it was the principle of the matter.

The door creaked open and Alaska played the game that you would with a 5 year old “Where did Katya go? Katya? Katya?” she called barely holding in her laughter. I could see her shadow moving into the room and then the lights went out. Smart lil bastard, I chuckled to myself. Next thing I know, I’m being doused in cold water. 

“Chert!”

Alaska was running away as she yelled “Katya, I don’t speak Russian!”

I rushed out of the bathroom and grabbed her from behind in a big, cold, wet hug, pinning her arms down by her sides.

She squealed and said “truce! truce!” while laughing so hard I could feel the vibrations of it.

“Oh no! You don’t get off THAT easy!” I said, scooping up her light and lanky frame bridal style and going into the bathroom where she held onto the frame of the door. I tickled her until she let go and I pulled her into the shower and turned the water on but in the process I fell on my ass in the spray as well. We both shrieked and were laughing so hard we were holding our stomachs. We started calming down so I flicked water in her direction which started it up all over again. 

I noticed she was shivering and reached up and turned the hot water on and jumped out.

“I’ll throw you some clothes in weirdo. Get warmed up and then we will forage for food.”

After I got her clothes, I laid on my bed soaking wet. I put my hands behind my head and just thought myself to sleep.


	10. Strong Hands and Pleading Eyes

Adore’s POV

Violet was in bed and looked as white as the sheets. I was holding their hand again partly because they wanted me to and partly because I felt helpless and wanted to help somehow.   
As soon as we had gotten into the hotel room, they crumpled onto one of the beds, eventually letting me help them get under the covers.

“I’m gonna get Michelle Vi” I said even though I was sure that they couldn’t hear me. I started to slide my hand out of theirs but they suddenly grabbed my wrist tight with their lithe hand. I let out a little sqeee of surprise with the strength of their spindly fingers.

“Don’t. Danny please? Don’t.” They said in a strangled voice. “If you get Michelle, I will never forgive you.” Tears were pooling in their dark eyes and slipping like a waterfall onto the white sheets. I grabbed up the cloth on their forehead and whispered “be right back” knowing they hated crying in front of most people. I leaned on the sink and lowered my head.

I was so torn. On one hand, I knew how sick Vi was and knew I should get help. On the other, knowing that they could hold a grudge for a loooong time and I needed them. They kept me sane, especially on tour when we were all jammed in like sardines. I made a split decision and headed back into the room.

“Danny, please just give it a little more time. Maybe the meds will kick in?” they pleaded desperately, reaching out and grabbing my arm with a death grip.

“Can I make you a deal?” I said.

They nodded. 

“Ok here is what we will do. You will rest. I will go to Walgreen’s or whatever is closest and get a thermometer and when I get back you ARE going to eat something.” I said firmly.

“But I’m not hungry.” They mumbled.

“I’ve heard that before and tough titties for you chola!” I said and they let out a little laugh.

“Do you think they have soup? I could go for some chicken soup if they have it maybe with a few crackers?”

“If they don’t have it on the room service menu, I’ll buy you some. I’m not finished. If you aren’t doing a bit better in a few hours, and you know I can always tell, then I will need to tell Michelle. As much as I love you and our friendship, I need to make sure your health and safety is taken care of too.” I pressed their cellphone into their hand. “I won’t be gone to long but I am going to call every ½ hour while I’m out, if you don’t answer in a few minutes, I will call Katya and Alaska, they know how to keep a secret. I turned the volume up all the way so you’ll hear it.”

“K” they murmured already half asleep, I grabbed the room keys and my wallet and raced out the door. 

I stopped to knock on Katya and Alaska’s room and Katya came to the door fully dressed, soaking wet and running in place shivering and rubbing her eyes.

“What the fuck?” I said as she pulled me into the room laughing. 

“Alaska and I had a little waterfight, she started it” pointing to Alaska who was coming out of the bathroom, a waft of steam trailing behind.

“OK I have to go get a few things but Vi isn’t feeling so great again so I gave them their phone and said I would call every ½ hour and if I couldn’t reach them that one of you would check on them. I just need to get a thermometer and maybe some soup.” I said flailing my arms and dropping the second key card in ‘Lasky’s hand. “Please don’t call Michelle, Vi doesn’t want her to worry and they want to perform so badly for the kids tomorrow.” 

I left without even waiting for their answer.


	11. Soup and Yelling Brains

Violet POV

I woke up to see Adore, Alaska and Katya staring at me.

“Morning sunshine!” Katya said, her and Alaska were sitting on Adore’s bed and Adore was sitting in a chair.

“Hi! What are you doing?” I said as Adore snuck up on me and stuck something in my ear. It took me a minute of squirming to realize it was a thermometer and I sat still until it beeped.

“Hmm” Adore said then fell silent.  
“Oh sorry, I was just trying to remember what the average body temp is but it’s here on the side. It’s 100.5 which is 2 degrees warmer but not that bad….right now anyway.” Adore said looking worried. 

“I got you some soup!” she said, her face brightening. She started grabbing every pillow in the place but the one under my head and made a pile right beside my head.

“Can you sit up?” Adore said, holding out her hand. I let out a little yelp in pain. 

“My joints feel like they are filled with sand.” I said, flopping back down again.

“C'mere!” Adore said, sharing a look with Katya who came over immediately.

I hate this, I thought, it’s like when…  
NO JASON! DON’T THINK ABOUT THAT! my brain shouted. 

Suddenly I was being moved and those thoughts were whisked out of my head by concentrating on not groaning. Once I was upright, I saw that the other girls had food. Alaska had a plate of salad with walnuts and apples, Katya had a big bowl of fettuccine and garlic bread. Adore had spaghetti and meatballs.

“No pizza today?” I joked.

“Nah! too much of it on the road!” She left her plate and went and picked up a bowl filled with soup and handed it to me, making sure her hand was underneath, after a few bites my arms started lowering the bowl.

“Let me help,” Adore said, grabbing the bowl and attempting to feed me. 

“Stop!” I said with more force than I meant, “sorry. Grab a mug by the coffee pot and pour some of the soup in it. It won’t be as heavy and there will be less to spill.” she gave me a look “I’ll have it all, just in two amounts.”

“How do you know this?” Alaska said in wonder.  
“Well…”

NO JASON!

“it’s just fucking common sense to be honest.” I said tempering my words with a smile as Adore handed me a much lighter mug that I held close to my chest and sipped at.

The queens all ate in silence. Damn!

“Sorry…I’m a little cranky.”

“And that’s different from other days how?” Katya joked, instantly lifting the mood of the room.

I handed Adore the mug and took the blankets off me.

“Um, what are you doing?” Adore said already starting to stand up.

“I’m going to the damn bathroom” I said standing on my painful wobbly legs but I took a step and another step and was happy to find that my legs were holding me up. I hobbled as quickly as I could to the bathroom.

“Please don’t lock the door!” Adore said and I flashed her a sarcastic thumbs up before closing the door.

I sat hard on the toilet, fully clothed, leaning over, putting my elbows on my knees and pinching my nose. I didn’t need to go, I just needed to get away from the pity faces. I hate those.

“No Jason.” I whispered before my brain had a chance to yell it. I took a few deep breaths and grabbed my suitcase, which the bell hop put in the bathroom for some reason. Stripping down, I ran my hands over my body, wincing at the bruise still growing. Thankfully it was still in an area that some of my costumes would cover.

I heard a soft knock on the door.

“I’m ok!! I yelled before Adore could walk in.

“Ok! thanks!” Adore’s voice came through the thick door.

I smiled, she was entirely too good to me.

I was about to put clean pyjama’s on (can’t exactly sleep in the nude on tour) when I rethought it. I wrapped a towel around myself and poked my head out of the door to see Adore on her own. “I’m gonna have a quick shower.”

“y'ok?” She said, trying not to look concerned and failing miserably.

I sighed and smiled. “You worry entirely too much! ” I said putting my hand on my hip. 

"How about you sit down? Just incase! I guess that could work, yell if you need me."

“Gee thanks Mom!” I said rolling my eyes and closing the door softly.


	12. Practical Jokes and Periscopes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AN: Katya chapters are some of my favourite to write. Feel free to leave comments!

Katya’s point of view

“What do you think is wrong with Vi?” Alaska asked me, looking up from her phone.

“Probably just a flu.”

She shrugged and returned to tapping on her phone with a small scowl on her face.

I pulled up Twitter and smiled at all the messages. My fans really are the best. I typed into the keyboard ‘pro-tip: how are you going to wear a funky hat if you’ve lost your head. The headless horsemen can’t wear hats.’

I laughed outloud at all the responses that started pouring in. I responded to a few of the funniest ones and closed twitter, chuckling.

“What’s up?” 

I replied with “Oh writing bullshit on twitter.”

“Sooo the usual then?” she said laughing. “We should totally periscope! c'mon!”

I yawned then smiled “sure!” I said flailing my arms around in excitement and jumping on her bed almost on top of her. Once I was seated beside her, she typed in ‘With Katya’ and hit the Start Broadcast button.

People started piling in, we got a barrage of “Hiiieee Moms”, “come to Brasil!” and “can you say hi to ______”

“Hiiieeeeee!” Alaska said then turning the camera more towards me “S'up?” I said in the deepest voice I owned, breaking into a screech of laughter. 

“Soooo we’re in Texas, come see us tomorrow at the BOTS tour! If you are 22 or under, Katya and I will be at the Youth First Texas LGBTQAP+ prom at 2:30pm (author’s note: real place, not real event) Oh wait, where is that?” 

I grabbed the phone and said “The mediocre and not so powerful Oz says check the damn website because I have no brain!” I did my cowardly Lion noise, laughed and handed it back to Alaska.

“You’re so much heeellp!” she said and threw her head back and laughed. “You should go to www.youthfirsttexas.com” she said laughing as I was leaning behind her waving my arms around with my tongue stuck all the way out.

“Weeellll” Alaska drawled “I think it’s time to say biiieeee!!” The screen exploded with I love you and biiieee and a few 'come to Brazil’s “say Biiieeee Katya”

“Proshchay Katya” I said in my thickest Russian voice.

“We don’t speak Russian Katya” Alaska said, shaking her head and trying to hide her amusement. “Biiiiee guys” she said and clicked the off button and, catching me off guard, knocked me off her bed. 

I went down like a sack of potatoes and then I thought I could pull Alaska’s leg for a minute.

“OW OW OW OW! Der'mo!!” I shouted, glad I could use my acting melodramatically from MCA. I clutched my ankle and rolled around. Holding my breath for a minute so my face would be red.  
I’m such a bad person.

“OH MY GOD KATYA!” Alaska said coming around the other side of the bed, looking concerned. 

“What do you need? Should I get some ice? Or Michelle? I’m such an IDIOT! I’m so sorry!!”

“Uh. Just help me up” milking my fake injury for all it was worth.

She pulled me up by my outstretched hands, I was intending to help but it was like she had fucking super strength.

“Where does it hurt? OH MY GOD! Michelle is gonna kill me!” She sat down hard and put her face in her hands. 

“Can you get me a glass of water from the bathroom?” I said, letting out a cough.

“We have bottled water?”

“Nah I don’t like the plastic if I can help it.”

She wiggled away and I stood up. When she rounded the corner I screamed “gotcha!” and did Jazzhands.

For the second time today, Alaska splashed water on me, the whole glassful.

I shreiked as I got ready to run but her face had gone cold and reddish and she sat down hard on her bed, putting her head down on her folded arms that rested on her knees. Her shoulders shaking.  
“I thought I hurt you!! That’s not funny!” She said muffled and angry.

Oh shit, I thought. Way to go, you fucking idiot Brian.  
I scrambled across the room and sat beside her, putting my hand on her back. "I’m sorry!”

She lifted her head, a devilish grin on her face. "Now we are even bitch!” she said, jumping up and dancing around the room.

Whew! Laughing I joined her. Soon after I stiffled a yawn.

“I saw that!” Go into bed, we’ll order a movie.

“but it’s only 11pm!! If you want to go out, you can! I don’t want to hold you back. I just didn’t sleep much last night between worrying about Violet and the other stuff.” I said hopping in bed, sitting up after plumping up the pillows and putting them behind me, the tour bus bunks does shit for your body. “Well that and not sleeping” I said to myself. I pulled the covers up to my chin and patting the side of my bed. “You can sit with me if you want.”

Alaska veered for a second to check the mini fridge. Nodding she trotted over with the grace of a young foal, which is to say none.

My face was questioning as she sat down beside me.

“What was that about?” I said raising one eyebrow.

She giggled and said seriously “so neither of us are tempted. I know Michelle calls ahead to make sure they take out the booze but sometimes they forget and I don’t want to open the fridge for a water and see that.” She looked down in shame.

“Thank you.” I said gratefully, linking my pinky with hers.

“We got each others back. We got this shit!” she said, reaching over and grabbing the remote. 

“What should we watch?” she asked, flicking through the channels.

“Maybe a comedy?”

“Sure!” she said, “what about Sisters with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler?”

“Oooh sounds good!” I said, squirming down a little so I was semi sitting.

It was hilarious but halfway through, my head nodded back and I was asleep.


	13. Late Night Emails

Adore’s Point of view

I couldn’t sleep. I’m such a worrier, I blame it on my Mom. I miss my Mom so much so I send her a quick email, knowing that she is probably asleep.

Hey Mom,  
I miss you so much! I know you are sleeping so you won’t get this til morning so GOOD MORNING I guess! Violet’s really sick and I’m going out of my mind. What should I do? They kinda perk up for a bit then sleeps a lot but they don’t want me to tell Michelle how crappy they are feeling and I don’t know what to do.   
How are you? How is Auntie Ruth?  
I love you,  
Danny

Now I was worrying about Aunt Ruth. She had just had a lump removed from her breast and we were waiting on results. I don’t want the other girls to know and that’s why I went into the bathroom when she called because there were people in the living room AND the bunks. My mom was calling me to just say there was no news yet. I got to talk to Auntie Ruth for a minute who was sore but thankful that she was staying at my Mom’s house for a few days. 

I got up and checked on Violet, grabbing the thermometer, I didn’t care if they woke up for a minute but it had to be done. 99.2 which wasn’t too bad, they didn’t even stir. I was glad the advil seemed to be helping. I childishly crossed my fingers and hoped that they could perform later today.

I really loved and valued Vi’s friendship. She is one of my best friends. They dumbass! I know they don’t care what pronouns are used but I try to keep it neutral if possible, just like I do with Jinkxy and Courtney. Sometimes I forget and it makes me feel horrible.

I need to give myself a break but I can’t seem not to bitch myself out every time I made a mistake.  
My phone dinged softly and I was surprised that my Mom emailed me back!

Hey Danny-boy,  
I miss you too, so much. No news yet about Ruth’s results, it should be any day now. She’s sleeping in your room so she doesn’t have to climb the stairs. I’m so sorry Violet is sick, I know how important they are to you. Danny, I gave you the skills and morals to trust what your brain and heart are telling you. You gotta make that decision yourself.  
I love you! I love you! I love you!  
Mom  
PS Did I mention I love you? hee hee! I’m proud of you.

I smiled then I sighed and pulled the covers back up around my chest and closed my eyes, willing myself to sleep. I don’t know if it was an hour or a year but eventually I welcomed sleep’s embrace, ready to wipe my worries away for a some time at least.


	14. Paging Nurse Bianca

Willam’s point of view

I was propped up in the bed with all the pillows in the room unable to sleep because of the pain in my back, which was a bit better after resting in the bed all afternoon except for eating a burger from room service, which was pretty damn good to be honest.

A few hours earlier, after laying in bed for a bit, Roy had come over to the bed (he liked to be called his boy name out of drag one-on-one and I understand that, I do not have that problem) and sat on the edge of the bed beside me, even the movement of the bed made me wince.

“Hey, listen up bitch,” he said “firstly even IF your back is feeling better tomorrow you need to wear flats, do you hear me?” he said wagging his finger at me and looking stern. I nodded and he continued “secondly you need to be honest with how much pain you are in, even if it’s just with me. Thirdly,” he didn’t even give me a chance to say anything “if your pain gets worse, you should sit when you are singing. Fourthly, if your back doesn’t improve, we have to make you an appointment at a pain clinic. What is the name of the pain clinic you go to at home?”

“Oooh you’re gonna let me talk now bitch? It’s the Broadway Surgical Institute which I’m guessing they don’t have here.” I smirked.

“I’ll look into places here. Now fifthly” I sighed in exasperation and gave him a very pointed look. “What do you want for dinner?” He smiled, his stupid dimples on both cheeks were so annoyingly cute, I couldn’t help but laugh and then suck air in pain and let out an involuntary groan.

“Lay back and let me get your meds. What do you want to drink?” he asked, opening the little fridge door.

“A cold beer would great” I said, knowing it would make him flip.

“Really queen? Try again. Do you want me to tell you what’s here?”

“Nah, a coke would be great!” I said smirking at his expression.

“You are an asshole!” he said, handing me a pill and a coke with a straw in it. “Medicate yourself and then maybe you won’t be such a pain in the ass! What do you want to eat?” He handed me a menu.

“I’ll do a burger no pickles and a side salad with Italian or house dressing on the side.” I handed him the menu and he scanned through it and picked up the phone. 

“I’d like to order room service to room 207” he paused “I want a burger with no pickles and a side salad instead of fries with Italian dressing on the side and an autumn salad and some chocolate cookies. Thanks.”

“Can’t resist the chocolate can you?” I joked.

“sorry not sorry hunty.” he said, sitting on his bed. There was a soft knock at the door.

“That was fast!” He joked, jumping up to get it “It’s either Michelle or Adore.”

“Hey Michelle. welcome to our humble abode!” he said, doing a sweeping motion as if it was a castle.“

“Hey, sorry I’m late, my daughter called” she said coming in like a whirlwind and sitting down on Roy’s bed. “How are you feeling?”

“Ask me in about half an hour when the meds kick in. I’ll be fine by tomorrow.” I said. 

“Well if you aren’t feeling better by tomorrow, we’ll have to talk about you going to the Dr and” but she was interrupted by Roy.

“I already read him the riot act. No heels. Possibly singing sitting down. Possibly going to the Dr. etc etc” he said, sitting beside Michelle.

“Ok. good. You know where I am. I have to go eat something and meet with the girl that is has been recommended by the staff to clean the bus for us. We can’t have everyone getting sick. How bad was Violet last night?”

“Not well, she passed out for a minute in the bathroom and she had a raging fever but we got a cold cloth on her and some advil. Since Adore didn’t have a gig last night, she went to bed early so she said she would watch Vi through the night and give her meds every 6 hours. Adore did a great job. Vi has been looking a little pale for a few days but she has been using hand sanitizer a lot so the rest of us don’t get sick. She perked up a lot from last night this morning and even ate a pretty good breakfast for Vi. She has been drinking gatorade and water all day and had soup and crackers for dinner and a shower Adore said. Adore made her sit in the shower, which was pretty damn smart.”

“Good. good. Thanks B!” she said standing up. “Again you know where I am. I’ll be back in the morning to check in on you Willam. Don’t fuck it up. Keep your ass in bed as much as possible.” She said, waiting for my nod, which I did begrudgingly.

She had her hand on the door when there was a soft knock on the door followed by the call “room service.”

Michelle opened the door and slipped out of the door then the cutest guy walked in with a big tray holding 3 plates covered with silver domes. His face was bright red and he kept looking from me to Willam, the look of recognition shining in his eyes. His nametag said “Samuel”.

“Thanks Samuel.” Roy said giving him a 5 dollar bill.

“Thanks Bianca…er…Mr Haylock sir.” He turned even redder, which I didn’t think was possible. 

Roy chuckled. “It’s ok Samuel, have a good night.” He pretty much ran from the room.

“Remind me to leave a autographed pic for him at the desk. He didn’t fangirl so that was good.”

Roy took the silver domes off the plates and the smell of my burger filled the room.

“What is easier for you, eating on the bed or moving to the chair at the table?”

I thought for a minute and said “The bed is fine, just get a black Tshirt from my bag so I don’t get anything on the sheets and can you cut the burger into 4? It’ll make less mess.” She went into the bathroom (where the bell hop put our suitcases for some reason”

Roy came back with a towel and a shirt.

“By the way, what the fuck is an Autumn Salad?” I mused.

“A mixed lettuce salad with apples or pears and candied pecans with maple-balsamic dressing.” he said, bringing over my plate.

“Sounds way too fucking healthy!”

“It’s better than bus food!”

“True!”

Now I’m laying in my bed with my eyes open, not able to do much of anything. I couldn’t take any more meds and my phone was too far away charging. I was turtled on my back with pillows under my knees so I couldn’t even try to roll over.

“Y'ok Will?” I startled at Roy’s sleepy voice and then let out a string of expletives.

“Yeah I just can’t move. I can’t roll over.” I said, frustration clear in my voice. “I feel fucking helpless” I said, hating the sting of oncoming tears which I didn’t let fall.

“Ok! Ok! It’s ok! I’m gonna turn you on your side now.” Roy said, his voice softened “Ready?”

I nodded, stealing my nerves. After a few minutes of involuntary groaning, there were a few pillows behind half of my back so I couldn’t roll back. A pillow put between my knees.

“If this gig doesn’t work out, you should become a nurse.”  
“Fuck you!” he said chuckling.

My eyes were becoming heavy.

“G'night B” I slurred sleepily.

“Goodnight asshole. Sleep well.” 

Then there was silence and I slipped off to sleep.


	15. The Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pronouns kinda take a crap in this chapter lol sorry about it

Violet’s point of view

I slowly cracked my eyes open. Putting my knee’s up, then pulling the blankets half off before I attempted to sit up. I was sore but a bit less.

“Hello sunshine. How are you?” Adore was instantly sitting beside me. Bitch could move fast.

“I’m ok actually,” I said sounding surprised myself.

“That’s great!” Adore said, a clear look of relief on her face. She put her hand on the small of my back and helped me stand up.

“Thanks a lot, for everything Danny.” I said, giving him a rare hug. A long hug because he deserved appreciation. I started to pull away when he kissed me full on the mouth. I stepped back and he looked crushed. He looked like he would run out of the room in mortification so I grabbed one of his hands and made him look at me by lifting up his chin gently with my finger.

“I’m not upset Danny. I have wanted to do that for weeks to be honest. I was too chicken-shit to.” I said looking down. 

Now it was his turn to pull my chin up. 

“Then why did you pull away?” He said, looking hurt, wiping away a stray tear.

“I’m so sorry, it’s not that I don’t want to kiss you, I just don’t want you to get sick. Understand?” he opened his mouth to object but I kept speaking. “Even if you are feeling up to risking it, I’m not. I care about you too much.” For once not chastising myself for the tears pooling in my eyes that slowly trickled down my cheeks. Danny took his thumbs and wiped them away, keeping my face in his hands and then grabbing me into a bear hug which hurt but I wasn’t about to say anything about it. I’ve wanted this for so long and I really wanted to perform for the kids today so I wasn’t going to mention my health at all even if I started feeling sick again.

“I hate to ruin this moment,” I said, still in his arms, “but I have to piss like hell!!” We both dissolved into giggles until I had to run to the washroom!

Coming out of the bathroom, I felt a dumb smile on my face I couldn’t shake.

“Actually, I was just about to wake you up, we are all supposed to meet for breakfast in about half an hour and don’t tell me you aren’t hungry because you need to eat something to gather your strength! Would it be ok if we just test…us out before we tell anyone? Not that I don’t want to! Trust me, I wanna shout it from the roof of this hotel. I just want it to be something special between you and me. Right now. Is that ok?” He blurted manicly while playing with the hem of his Lana Del Rey tank top.

“Danny, I understand and I agree hun.” I grabbed his hand, giving it a squeeze. “Let me change and let’s go eat! I’m starving!” 

His radiant smile he gave me was worth eating enough that I would explode.


	16. Shoulders Are for Sleeping...Right?

Katya’s POV

I woke up at my usual early hour, wanting a cigarette but when a started stirring I felt something heavy on my shoulder. What the fuck? I turned my head and found ‘Lasky out cold, leaning on my shoulder.

The TV was still on so I figured that she fell asleep during the movie too. Well this is one way to stop smoking, I thought. Then I covered my mouth with my free hand to keep from laughing, my eye’s watering. 'You’re such a weirdo' I thought which only made me laugh harder. I was trying so hard not to move but I guess my shoulders were jiggling because she sat bolt upright, rubbing her eyes and looking around confused.

“Well Hello!” I announced but she must not have seen me because she jumped about a mile off the bed which only made me laugh harder. I was glad I could at least laugh outloud now.

“Whaaat?“ she said. Rolling her neck around and making a face that looked like she was constipated.

"Turn around” I said and she complied, swinging her lean legs over the side of the bed so she was looking away from me. “Tell me if this hurts.” I said massaging her neck “oh yeah, you have a gihugic knot at the base of your neck. Sorry my shoulder isn’t a comfortable pillow!" I said, slowly working out the knots in her shoulders and back like I was kneading bread. Rather bony bread.

"What happened?” she asked, scratching her head.

“I forgot you take a while to wake up. We were watching a movie and we must have both fallen asleep. Better?" I asked.

She tentatively rolled her neck and said "yeah! Loads! Thanks!” she said turning around to face me.

“Glad to be of service m'am.” I said in a horrible Southern accent, tipping an imaginary hat at her.

She laughed. “You’re such a fucking dork!”

"Affirmative m'am.“

"Bah!” she said, picking up her phone. “oh shit! we have 20 minutes til breakfast! She said jumping up and scurrying around the room.

Damn I thought I would have time for a smoke but maybe not, I thought yawning and sitting on the floor doing some yoga poses, breathing deeply while Alaska was in the washroom. The stretching felt good and then I realized I had actually slept in!  
Sleeping period was an accomplishment the past few days. ‘Lasky came out and I just put my jeans on and we were off….well apparently off to see the Wizard since when we stepped out into the hallway Adore and Violet were skipping down the hall.

We did the most acceptable thing possible. We joined in!


	17. The Ladies Who Breakfast

Adore’s point of view

I did a giant nerdy dance after I made sure Vi had closed the door. OH MY FUCKING GOD! I can’t believe I did that and I can’t believe they wanted to do the same!

"Shall we go Vi?” I said, putting my arm out after making sure I had a key. We put our heads out and saw no one so we went down the hall, Wizard of Oz style. I blushed as Katya and Alaska came spilling out of a door. They saw us and joined behind us until Katya got too excited and decided to run ahead doing several cartwheels and then walking on her hands. 

Alaska linked her arm around mine and we continued, laughing. By the time we caught up, the slow as fuck elevator was there. We all clamored in the elevator, laughing because crazy-ass Katya was still on her hands. 

“Show off,” Vi muttered smiling. 

“Aren’t you afraid of getting germs off the floor?” Alaska drawled with a disgusted look on her face.

“Don’t forget, I’ve been near Violet!” Katya said, her face going red. She uprighted herself as soon as the elevator opened. Unfortunately, Michelle saw it.

She marched over, red faced and said “Katya Zamolodchikova! Do you realize what might have happened if you fell. Think before you DO!” Then she turned her attention on Vi and whispered, “how are you Violet?” giving them her XRay gaze.

"Much better!“ She smiled, which wasn’t hard because I was still linked with them and jabbing them with my elbow. I knew Vi was still feeling like shit, I could tell but not as badly as before and I wasn’t going to volunteer that information.

"Good. Well come on. We were just waiting on Pearl. Sharon went up to shake the stuffing out of her.” 

Everyone else was lounging in the lobby, Willam was there without a wheelchair but with an occasional look of pain but I guess that is a step in the right direction. 

Jinkx’ hair was in a thousand directions and they were still wearing PJ pants. Michelle was staring daggers at them. “I guess we can head in guys” Michelle said waving in the direction of the buffet.

“Good! I’m starving!” Vi exclaimed going red and covering their mouth, clearly displaying what was meant to be an INNER dialogue. 

Everybody was staring at them dumbfounded. 

“What?” they shrugged it off nonchalantly, flipping their hair. “A fever really gets a girl’s appetite going!"

"Party!” I said attempting to take the attention off of Vi. It seemed to work because everybody chuckled and headed towards the complementary breakfast area. 

We were all just finishing our meals (Vi had made me try some green melon, sticking it in my mouth without warning, but I actually liked it) when Pearl ambled in with a steaming Sharon behind her who immediately went to get some food. 

Michelle had her stank face on and we all decided to scram before Pearl got to the table. As we stood up Michelle reminded us “Ladies, LISTEN UP!” we froze mid-step “be here in full drags by 2pm. Don’t disappoint those kids. Don’t fuck it up! Your luggage is in the lobby behind the desk, just give your name. 2 pm! See ya later!” she said with a wave of her hand. 

We scattered.


	18. S'up

Michelle’s Point of View

I sighed, resting my arms on the table and putting my head in my hands. What was going to happen with Pearl? Hopefully she straightened herself out soon.

Sharon lumbered over slamming her plate down and pulling out her chair with a screech. She plunked herself down in a huff and tucked into her food immediately.

I put my hand on her arm, and said “Sorry Sharon.”

“I just don’t want to be a fucking babysitter Michelle! I work just as hard as any of the other bitches and I want to chill after a show or a long bus ride, maybe go out to eat or go dancing but I DON’T want to have to drag around a drugged up or drunk girl with me. I have enough trouble looking after myself sometimes and you know it!” she said in a rush before Pearl could come over. 

“I'm sorry, youre right. Don’t worry, I’ll handle it." Michelle reassured, putting a hand on Sharon's arm. "Would you be ok with rooming with Jinkxy?”

Sharon nodded. “Do you want me to move tables while you talk with Pearl?”

“Do you want to?” I asked her.

“I don’t particularly care. I’m almost done. Do you need me to stay and talk to her with you?”

I shook my head but added “If you want to tell her how you feel, please stay. After the Prom for the kids, I will help Pearl move into Jinkxy’s room myself and vice versa.”

“I’ll be happy to help Jinkxy move in. It would be my pleasure, honestly.”

With that Sharon walked over to the coffee machine, and gave Pearl a scathing look as she walked by. 

Pearl sat down. “S'up?” She was averting her eyes, which kinda showed me she knew she was in shit. Was she gonna keep repeating it though?

“S'up with you? You missed breakfast.”

“No I didn’t.” she said sourly, holding up her fork with a piece of sausage hanging off it.

“Pearl, dammit! your bad attitude isn’t going to fly around here much longer! Shape up! You are clearly hungover, and what was the one thing I said yesterday?” I waited for a moment while she just kept eating. I was getting more irritated by the second.

“God Pearl, you are worse than my teenagers! Speaking of teenagers, did you forget the show we are doing this afternoon? A prom for LGBTQIAP youth who are often not ALLOWED to take a same sex date to their school prom without threats of violence, being excluded, and having to hide their sexuality. Do you really want to disappoint them?”

“I didn’t have anything like that when I was a kid and I turned out okay.” she mumbled grumpily.

“Did you really Pearl? Did you?” Her chin dropped and she finally looked up, I softened my voice. “Wouldn’t you have liked a place like Youth First when you were their age?”

She put down her fork. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

I sighed, “I NEED you to start caring Pearl, if not about yourself, then about your fans. Although I would prefer if you started caring for yourself too Pearly-girl. This is your final warning. We have talked about this before. I don’t want to kick you off, but you have to do better. You have to!”

“I’ll try.” she said, returning her attention to her food.

I put my hand on her shoulder. “You need to apologize to Sharon. You will be moving into Jinkxy’s room, and she will be moving in with Sharon after the prom, and before BOTS. Then YOU are the only one responsible for YOU tonight after the show and tomorrow. Understand?”

She nodded, silent and sullen.

“I’ll see you at 2pm. 2PM Pearl! Don’t fuck it up! What time are you going to be down here, in full drag?”

“2pm.” she sighed.

“Exactly. I’ll talk to you later,” I said and stalked away before I could indulge my wish to slap her across the head.


	19. Bell Hops and Naps

CW illness

Violet’s point of view

We headed back upstairs from breakfast, saying “See ya later!” to Katya and Alaska.

We had a guy helping with our luggage, because I’ve been sick. Normally I would be angry and too prideful to except any assistance, but I was feeling like my limbs were leaden again. I kept up a brave face, tipping the guy $20 because I was so grateful to not have to carry it.

I really just wanted to lay on the floor and sleep but, I knew if I did, I might not be allowed to go this afternoon and I’ve been looking forward to this volunteer gig for over a month. The kids thought there was just gonna be Alaska and Katya there, which is awesome but we were excited to surprise them with the whole cast!

I also felt a certain amount of pressure to live up to my new title. I realized I had been standing by the door for a few minutess. Luckily, Danny was busy sorting out my drag from his.

I went over to my bed and sat on it, pulling my knees to my chest and rocking slightly.

Danny stood up smiling but he took one look at me and his face fell.

“Into bed with you!” he pointed.

“I’m ok!” I said, fighting against the wave of fatigue that was engulfing me by digging my nails into my palms.

Danny didn’t say anything but he took hold of my hands and straightened my fingers out.  
“Don’t, please, Jason,” he whispered.

There was something comfortable with us calling each other our boy names, but it wasn’t usual, most of the girls went by their drag name, even out of drag. It was intimate.

“Y'ok? It takes you about 4 hours to get into drag right?”

“I can do 2 and a half or three.”

“Okay, so you can sleep for 2 and a half hours before you have to start in.”

“Okay,” I said in a small, small voice. I sluggishly got into bed.

“I’m gonna take your temperature, and see if you have a fever, and get you meds if you do, and then you can sleep hun ok?”

I nodded as he pulled the blankets up to my chest. I sighed. “This sucks!” I whined.

“I know babe. I know. Your temp isn’t that bad but take these anyway.” I sat up and he handed me some advil and some water and I took it. I laid down again while Danny was messing with his phone.

“Thanks Danny. What are you doing?”

“I was just setting the alarm, because I feel like a nap too and you know me, I sleep like the dead.” he cackled and then dived on the bed, crawling up while I laughed in surprise. He lay beside me and started running his fingers through my hair, I sighed happily.

I wanted to stay awake, to savor this moment I had been waiting for, but too insecure to reach for but, unconsciousness then claimed me as her own within minutes.


	20. Behave, Bianca, Behave

TW: pain meds mentioned

Bianca’s point of view.

Willam was laying on the couch flipping through the channels and generally annoying the fuck outta me. Nothing new there!

I was sitting at the table, building a wig. It was a huge pain in the ass that we didn’t bring our drag in yesterday. Usually I bring my wig bag in at least so I can put all the parts together, but with dealing with Willam yesterday, it completely slipped my mind. 

I kept sneaking looks over at Will, he seemed a bit better. He was still walking like a geriatric old man but he was walking. I knew he was gonna give me grief about the heels, but fuck him!

“I can see you looking at me gurl.” Willam said, putting his hand on his hip even laying down.

“No heels today hooker!”

“Yes sir!” He said saluting me. “Don’t worry bitch. I heard you. I have flats, they’re Ferragamo’s.”

“I don’t fucking care if they’re Fred Flinstones!” I said, giving him my ‘really queen’ look. He laughed and then took a sharp breath in.

“Do you REALLY think you can do this?” I said seriously with no preamble of Bitch or Queen or Gurl.

“I think so” she said honestly “I am going to take my meds about an hour before we go, so that should help. If I take them now, the timing will be off. Thank God I paint pretty fast!” He said, resuming clicking through the channels. “What are you doing this afternoon for material B? You can’t do your same old tired-ass material for the kids!”

“Your tone is very pointed right now Will,” I said laughing “I’m gonna do what I do and try and make it funny. I’m sure the kids may have seen my shit before but I’ll try to tone my ass down. Try is the operative word!”

I went back to working on this wig, almost done with it. I was pretty pissed when the organizer and Head Bitch in Charge of this event called me.

“Hi Bianca! It’s Amber from the Youth First center.”

“You can call me Roy.”

“Let me start by thanking you for volunteering for the prom here! The kids are going to be so surprised.”

I stayed silent, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was born at night but not LAST night!

“I think you are hilarious and I know that a lot of the kids have seen your show online but we will be having kids who have never been to Y.F. and we don’t want to offend or scare them away. Er…not that you’re scary! I mean you” She backpedaled.

I interrupted her. “You want me to tone it down. I can do that, no problem!” I said

“Really? I didn’t mean to insult you.”

“I am not a total bitch, pardon my french, I totally understand where you are coming from! I understand. I’m excited to be doing this volunteer gig, and I was actually working on some material just for that event.”

She thanked me profusely and hung up.  
I checked the time.

Okay, time to paint for the children, LITERALLY!


	21. My Sister Cassie

TW nightmare  
Violet’s POV

I was home in my childhood house, I looked down and was in full drag. WTF? My sister came out of the shadows in the corner on the other side of the room, and ran up to me with superhuman speed, her image blurring. She jumped at me, and I picked her up bridal style, smiling. She wrapped her arms around me in a hug, her slender fingers slid around my neck, choking me. Her fingers were so cold, she felt like ice.

“Cass.” I choked out in a whisper. She loosened her grip and I managed a yell “Cass stop!” I grabbed her hands and trying to push her iron grip away. She let go, but I still felt like I was barely getting enough air. She was looking at her hands which were turning into ash in front of her, a look of panic on her face. “It’s okay Cass,” I said, and she craned her neck so she was level with my eyes, as ash continued to float in the air like mini tornados. She opened her mouth to speak, and screamed a blood curdling scream into my face, as hers disappeared. I was turning around in circles screaming, “Cass? Cassie? Cass!?”

I was being shaken, and I sat bolt upright in my bed, shaking all over, shrinking away from the hand on my shoulder and covering my head.


	22. Shaky Leaves and Paint

Chapter 21

Adore’s POV

I was just starting to paint because I couldn’t sleep, I was just too excited about this morning and what we were going to be doing with the kids. I was in the bathroom so I could play music while I painted. It was kind of my ritual of sorts, I even had a “Painting” playlist. 

There was a break in the song when I heard Vi’s voice. I opened the door and opened my mouth to ask if they had a good sleep. But they were thrashing around in the bed muttering “Cass. Cass no”, gasping for air and pulling at the neck of their T-shirt. I was rushing towards them when they yelled “Cass stop!” startling me and making me pause for a minute before clambering over the end of my bed, trying to get to them as quickly as possible. They weren’t gasping anymore. They were reaching out with their hands trying to catch something in the air. They were dripping with sweat with a horrified look on their face. I shook their shoulder then I felt their forehead, knowing how I have bad dreams when I have bad fevers, but they weren’t hot.   
I grabbed both shoulders and shook them again.  
“Vi! Violet, wake up!!”

They sat bolt upright, shaking harder than I thought possible for the human body to shake. Eyes wide open and with a terrible grimace for fear and torture. I felt a tear drip down my chin. I almost fell backwards when they sat up so abruptly, but managed to keep my balance, one hand on their shoulder to let them know I was there. They cowered from me, covering their head, as if I was about to hit them. 

“Vi it’s me,” I said breathlessly, sobbing by now, holding my hands up. “Jason! It’s Danny. You’re safe! You’re safe hun,” Swiping my hand in frustration across my tear soaked face.

They finally looked at me and I could almost see the switch turn on to where they recognized me and flung themself into my arms, shaking and crying.   
They weren’t able to talk to me other than sputtering a quick “Not again! Not again!” They were sobbing too uncontrollably to speak a full sentence. 

I didn’t ask what just happened, what they were dreaming about. I just held them, and rocked back and forth doing the only thing I could think of. I started singing a song by Queen. I changed a few things, knowing I would not make them laugh or smile but maybe it would make their heavy heart a little lighter.

Ooh, you make me live  
Whatever this world can give to me  
It’s you, you’re all I see  
Ooh, you make me live now Hunty  
Ooh, you make me live  
You’re the best friend  
That I ever had  
I’ve been with you such a long time  
You’re my sunshine  
And I want you to know  
That my feelings are true  
I really like you  
You’re my best friend  
Ooh, you make me live  
I’ve been wandering round  
But I still come back to you  
In rain or shine  
You’ve stood by me   
I’m happy on tour (happy on tour)  
You’re my best friend.  
Ooh, you make me live  
Whenever this world is cruel to me  
I got you to help me forgive  
Ooh, you make me live now hunty  
Ooh, you make me live  
You’re the first one  
When things turn out bad  
You know I’ll never be lonely  
You’re my only one  
And I love the things  
I really love the things that you do  
You’re my best friend  
Ooh, you make me live.  
I’m happy, happy on tour  
You’re my best friend  
You’re my best friend  
Ooh, you make me live  
You, you’re my best friend.

By the end of the song they were hiccuping and holding onto me for dear life, still shaking like a leaf, and still crying hard enough to stop breathing for a few seconds at a time.

“Breathe, just breathe deep with me,” I said breathing in from my nose and out through my mouth. My mom taught me to do this when my anxiety was bad when I was younger. I dotn’t know why I remembered it all of a sudden, but was thankful for it.

I just sat in silence with them. After about 5 minutes they took their arms from around my neck, and started wiping their tears away feverishly. I pushed their hands down and pulled off my T-Shirt and gently wiped their cheeks with it.

They took a deep, shaky sigh.

“I am not gonna say are you okay because I know you aren’t.” I said, grabbing their hands and intertwining my fingers with theirs.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” I said, already knowing the answer by the look on their face.

They shuddered and shook their head vehemently.  
“No...no I just want to paint.” They said quietly.

I jumped up and offered my hands to them, helping them stand up shakily.

“I’m so sorry!” They said dropping their head to look at the floor in shame. 

“You have nothing to be sorry about Jason. Absolutely nothing!” I said, crouching so they could see my face straight on as I stared into their anguish filled eyes.

I helped them sit down at the table, where I had set up their lighted mirror, and put their makeup case beside them. They started pulling out products, but when they started to do their foundation, they were shaking so bad that it was going everywhere.

“Can I help, just for a moment til you stop shaking so much?”

They nodded and I lifted their chin, and cupped it in one hand while I got to work, spending much more time and attention on their makeup than I did my own.

By the time I was done foundation, contour and highlight they grabbed my hand, looked into my eyes and said “I can do my eyes, you need time to do your own.”

“Are you sure?” I said, giving them a questioning look. “I’m a punk mermaid so most people who are fans don’t care much if I look like crap.”

“Stop! You paint beautifully Danny! Yes, I’m sure. I’m better now." They assured, deftly picking up a brush and only shaking a tiny bit.

“Okay, let me know if you change your mind.” I went into the bathroom and gathered my things by just swiping my arm across the counter into my bag. I pulled my old mirror out of my suitcase and plunked myself down facing Vi who gave me a little smile.

After finishing their face, Vi got up looking much steadier than before and going to their giant drag suitcase and pulling out a crystal encrusted corset, a skirt, a bunch of pantyhose and shaking out a white-blonde short wig.

“Do you need any help?” I asked, wondering if they would be able to do things up with shaky hands.

“Nuh uh, I’m good! I promise I’ll ask if I get stuck!” they said with one side of their mouth turning up in a little grin. I started gathering my outfit, startling in comparison. I had a few pairs of tights, fishnet stockings, cut off shorts, a black tank top with skeleton hands in white over my boobs, and a pair of over the knee patent leather black platform boots and shaking out a curly red wig.

“I’m gonna change out here. I’ll tell you when I’m done Vi! Okay?”

“Yup!”

It wasn’t that I was ashamed of my body, I was just shy as fuck when it came to people I truly cared about. Bashful, some people would say.

“Okay! I’m done!” I said a few moments later and puttered around, gluing down my wig and other finishing touches and keeping an eye on the time.


	23. Roadmaps and Redbulls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the words of encouragement. I love you!

Violet’s POV

I closed the door softly behind me, retreating into the bathroom. I leaned my back against the door, and slowly slid my way down. I knew I couldn’t cry with my makeup on, so I just sat there numb for a minute before I dragged (pun intended) myself up from the floor, taking all my clothes off.

All of a sudden, Danny’s voice was on the other side of the door telling me not to come out because he was changing. I jumped a mile and almost dropped everything, my scared reflexion greeting me in the mirror with eyes so wide that the bloodshot whites were seen all the way around.

“Yup,” I choked out and took a steadying breath. My hands travelled over my pale skin of their own accord, travelling like a driver on autopilot who already had the map that was my body memorized. 

The bruise was still there but it looked like it was fading. There was another one that had cropped up on my left side at the bottom of my ribcage. I quickly got changed, tightening my corset as tightly as possible, wiggling a bit in discomfort since I hadn’t worn one in a few days. I adjusted it so the boning was sitting a bit straighter. I felt like it was digging into my back again so I moved it and finally got it in a better spot. 

I made this skirt just for this. It was black vinyl with giant round stones in all different colors. It was very short and it stuck out almost straight with crinoline in all the colours of the rainbow underneath.

I put my short blonde wig on, it only went to the bottom of my earlobes but it had finger curls in it. Gotta love a ton of hairspray and tight netting for storage. I plumped up a few of the curls.

“I’m done!” Adore yelled at the door, startling me again.

“You scared the shit outta me!” I said, managing a little laugh, trying to push the vestiges of the nightmare out of my mind as I pushed the door open to the bedroom.

Adore was there, fluffing her hair and looking fucking gorgeous. My eyes followed her as I walked across the room, making me almost topple over the chair. I grabbed my giant bobby pins and twisted them through the wig and into my own hair, gluing down the sides.

It was 1:30 so we had a bit of time. I rummaged around in the fridge and found a diet RedBull, holding one out to Adore, who took it gratefully. I needed it because it’s not like I got much sleep and with the prom and a gig tonight, I was gonna need all the caffeine I could get since I probably was never going to sleep again.

“No Jason! Stop!” my brain shouted predictably.

“I gotta put my headphones on and make sure I’m ready for my numbers.” Adore said, fiddling with her phone.

“Good idea!” I smiled and plugged my earbuds in practicing my song in my head. Music seemed to help slow my still galloping heart.

15 minutes later, we giggled our way out the door, trying to be casual when Katya and Alaska careened out of their room. “Here we go!” I thought and grinned, my excitement burning every other thought away.


	24. Stating the Obvious

Michelle’s POV

It was 1:55pm and surprisingly, all the queens were down here in the lobby except Pearl and Sharon.

Sharon rounded the corner and looked pissed.  
“I went to the bathroom to change and came out and she was gone! I’m not looking for her! Fuck that! I didn’t sign up to be a fucking babysitter!” She said angrily, plunking down by Jinkx on the sofa.

I put both hands out in a stop motion. “Ok Sharon, I get it. I'm sorry we didn't get Pearl moved. Hopefully she just went outside for a cigarette!” I checked my watch again.

“Ok girls listen up!” I said, pausing till all eyes were on me, “I know you all got the memo about what the schedule is, but I’m gonna walk you through it again.”

Pearl ambled around the corner, walking with her heels in her hand. I smiled at her, letting out a breath of air that I didn’t know I was holding.

“First of all, does everyone have their tracks ready? Either on CD or emailed to me so I can give them my phone?” everyone nodded but Adore.

“I have a song change, I emailed it to you. It’s a bit more kid friendly.”

“Okay good. Now the kids know that Alaska and Katya are coming, but the rest of us are a huge surprise, so this is what we are gonna do. Alaska, you and Katya are going to go in another cab from us and go in the front door, the kids have been told they have to all be inside before you come. A few of the kids will be doing drag before you come so just go in quietly and hang at the back until they’re done but you already know that! Sorry!” Like I needed to tell Alaska and Katya how to be professional?!

“The rest of us with be going in a van, and a staff member will greet us at the side door. We will go in quietly, as the place they are having the show is just off of that entrance. They have an office room set up with some mirrors and chairs for us to hide out in.” I hated that I had to actually state the obvious but well…that’s life!

“How are you feeling Vi?”

“I’m good” they muttered, tight-lipped. Adore gave a little nod behind their back.

Relieved, I turned to Willam who was wearing expensive looking flats.

“I’m cool!” 

“Okay, here is the set list.” I held up a piece of paper with large print “The order is Alaska, Katya, of course, then I will come out and introduce you when it’s your turn. The rest of the setlist is Violet, Adore, Kennedy, Pearl, Jinkx, Willam, Sharon, and Bianca. The set list will be posted in the room, and you will be brought to side stage in a spot where the kids can’t see you. I know I’m pretty much stating the obvious here but it’s better reiterated than forgotten. Adore and ‘Lasky, I was asked if you can do “I look fucking cool”? I forgot to ask earlier so if you don’t feel like it, just tell me okay?“

“I’m down” Adore said and grinned.

“Sounds good” Alaska drawled.

“Thank you everyone for doing this for the kids. You didn’t have to, but you did, and that is an amazing representation of both the show and more importantly, yourselves. Okay bitches, let’s go!” I said, beckoning everyone to the van and car waiting outside.

I walked at the back and Pearl was the last queen to climb into the van, I squeezed her shoulder, smiled and said “Good to see you!”

She smiled from ear to ear and said “I wouldn’t miss it for the world!”

We gave the driver directions, making sure he knew what door we needed to get to. He looked a bit red in the face but didn’t say anything.


	25. Katya, we don't speak Russian

Katya's POV

Lasky and I hopped out from the taxi, giving the driver the money Michelle gave us and a big tip because she was very cool and open.

We snuck into the back where a staff member beamed at us. There was a queen on the stage who couldn’t have been more than 12, and I admired the amount of balls it takes to be a tween queen. Alaska was so tall so she crouched down so she wouldn’t be noticed. Like a 6’ something man in a 1’ wig was going to go unnoticed for long.

The tween queen left and a woman with a clip board came out and said “It seems we have a few late entry queens but what do we say?”

“EVERYONE IS WELCOME!!” they all shouted.

Alaska was creeping along the side of the   
crowd while they were focused on the woman.   
“HIIIIIEEEE!!” she exclaimed, drawing everyone’s attention and cheers at once.  
“How is everyone today?” she drawled slowly after taking the mic from the woman, who was looking completely delighted.

Everyone cheered and Alaska said, “I’m so happy to be here to support you and this fabulous place!” she said putting a little more drawl in ‘here’. “You all look fabulous!! I won’t bore you anymore. Hit it music person!”

The heavy beat of her song Hiiiieee started playing and she sang the crap out of it.

“So I brought a friend with me. Can you come here friend?” she said and that was the cue we decided on.

I ran and cartwheeled down the aisle, landing in a split. The crowd of kids cheered as I climbed up onto the stage and took the mic from Alaska, who left the stage.

“Zdravstvuy!” I screamed.

Alaska stepped out suddenly and plucked the mic outta my hand. WTF?

“Okay people, say this with me because Katya is totally not listening to me. Repeat after me. Katya, (katya) we don’t (we don’t) speak Russian! (speak Russian)

“Ok now say it with me!” The whole room screamed “Katya! We don’t speak Russian!”  
I waited til things quieted down, staying as serious as possible.

“Bez raznitsy!” I said, and almost everyone laughed with me until they were all clutching their stomachs as ‘Lasky sauntered offstage.

“No seriously,” I said in my thick Russian accent,“ I am so happy to be here with you, living the American dream of drinking lukewarm punch and eating stale pita chips with hummus. I mean, who really likes hummus?” I said and then pointed to the back of the stage where the music person started Courtney Act’s song ‘To Russia with Love’ twirling, splitting, and giving it to the children. I loved seeing their faces light up! When the song was over I bowed and walked out on my hands to cheers and laughter. I squeaked past Michelle and Violet, and was pointed towards the room we were all waiting in.  
That was so much fun! I couldn’t wait for the meet and greet!


	26. Come thruuuuu kick in the ass!!

Violet's POV

I was hiding on the wings of the stage when Katya came by grinning from ear to ear bigger than I had ever seen her grin.  
A woman with a clipboard came out again and said “We have a few more brave people who want to perform. Come on out.”  
Michelle waited, and I wondered what was happening, but she had a huge smile on her face and that’s when it clued in to me that it was part of the act.

“Don’t be shy!” the woman said waving Michelle onward which she didn’t budge. “Okay, I think we need to help everyone. Make some noise for them!!” and Michelle FINALLY peeked her head out of the side.

“Is it safe?” she said into the mic and the crowd exploded into utter pandemonium as she stepped all the way out.

“Hello children!” she bellowed “I’m so happy I could stop by with my friends Katya and ‘Lasky!! Did you have fun?” she paused. “I started out in a time when any gay or drag clubs were just starting to not be hidden so standing here right now.” She said pausing because she was getting emotional as usual. “I am proud to be an ally, to be YOUR ally! I am super proud of you all and hope you have a great time today!! I have a young queen with me, and I was wondering if it would be okay for them to come out? Are you all ok with that?” Oh she was so clever.

They cheered and Michelle said “Thanks so much everyone! Let me introduce my friend VIOLET CHACHKI!” Show time.

I sauntered out slowly, loving that the room was going crazy.

“Come Thruuuu Youth First!!” I shouted. “I’m so so so happy to be here and see you all today! I’m so glad you have a safe space to be yourself!! I love you all my LGBTQPIA+ babies!!” blowing kisses and giving the mic to Michelle.

“LET’S GO!” I yelled.

I lip synced to a mashup of Miley Cyrus’ song “Liberty” and my song “Vanguard” that a creative friend in Atlanta made me.   
I gave it my all, dancing and vogueing, and just having a great time.

When the song ended the applause was thunderous!! “Thank you everyone so much!!” I said exiting the stage and passing by Adore who linked pinkies with me for a second. I lingered deciding to watch Adore.

Michelle went out again “I have to admit something,” she said looking down. “I have lots of great friends who wanted to come, so I brought another one. Is that alright?” the crowd cheered “Introducing my favorite Libra, who was totally down to come party, my chola friend, ADORE DELANO!!!”  
As she was going out, I gave her a lil kick in the butt that I think the audience saw, because they went from cheering to laughing. Adore put a hand over her butt and gave them all her baby Jesus eyes. “Violet’s reputation is true. She is a complete and a utter talented brat! Did you see what she did to me? Did you see that?!” moving from one side of the stage to the other.

I poked my head out out and yelled “Come thruuu milking it!!”

After the laughter died down, Adore got surprisingly somber “This song is outside of the music that I usually do but I wanted to do a song about friendship since that is what this wonderful place is about. Meeting friends you can be yourself with. Believe me when I say, if it hasn’t happened yet, that one day you will be able to be yourself no matter where you are. Be proud of yourself and grateful for best friends.”

She flicked her eyes to the side to me and started ‘You’re my best friend’ by Queen.   
Sneaky Bitch!

After her number and a huge amount of applause she said “Party!” and ran offstage, sneaking a quick hug before she went into the back room. I kicked her once more on the way for good measure, trying not to laugh loudly as I heard Michelle say “Your hometown girl, Kennedy!” I snuck back to stand at the side of the stage feeling better than I have in about a week. “Thank God for the wonders of RedBull and Adrenaline!” I thought as I lost myself in the whirlwind that is Kennedy Davenport and her dancing.


	27. It's a good look Shelly

Michelle POV

Everything was going really well, and it was great seeing the kid’s faces light up. There was a lesbian and a gay couple at the front on the right side and they were making me smile so much. They were enjoying the show, holding hands, and sneaking little glances at each other. Ah young love! I looked to the other wing and saw Pearl there and smiled at her and she smiled back as I stepped back out.

“Give it up for your home girl!!” After the cheers died down I said “Want another one?"

“Yeah!” they all screamed back.

“She was sleepy on her season but she’s awake now! Give it up for Pearl!!”

She ambled out as usual (some things never change) and I handed her the mic. I was wondering if she would say something genuine or not.

“Hit it!” she said right away after the applause died down a bit. I was disappointed she didn’t say anything but she danced her heart out for those kids to ‘Sleepwalker’ from the finale, and I was pretty happy about that. She was here at least.

"Alright alright,” she said after the applause went on for a while. "I wanted to say this. I wish I had a place like this when I was young." Pearl was getting emotional and connecting with these kids “but put your hand up if you have been bullied.”

I peeked out and saw a sea of hands in the air.  
“I just wanted to say. One day, when they are working their minimum wage jobs, you will be fulfilling your dreams. I didn’t think I could ever recover from all the stuff I went through,” she paused taking a deep breath “but I did, and you can too! Even if you have moments that you don’t believe in yourself, just remember you have someone who does, I do! It sounds cliche, but it DOES get better! Do you believe me?”

“Yeah!” they all yelled, giving Pearl a standing ovation.

“Thank you to the organizers who planned this, and run this safe space and keep up the good work. I appreciate you.” She waved at the standing ovation but before she could leave the stage, I ran out and gave her a big hug.

“I’m awake now! How about you?” I paused.

“From one sleeper queen to another now. Like I said, I have way too many friends who all wanted to come! Are you guys tired of us yet?”

“NO!”

“Okay, here is the sleeper queen from Seattle, and the winner of season 5, Jinkx Monsoooooon!”

Jinkxy stepped out, looking absolutely radiant.  
“Hi boys and girls and agendered people, and all of us genderqueer people! And anyone else I missed! Some of you know my story, but I’ll say it again for those of you who don’t know it. I started my drag at a place just like this in my early teens. It was, and still is, one of my favorite places and feels like home. I’m gonna do a song I wrote a long time ago so here we go!”

Jinkx sang ‘Jinkxalious’, which we had to make sure was okay before we came, obviously.

A staff member came up to me and whispered something in my ear. “Okay!” I whispered back.

I went out to the stage and collected the mic from Jinkx while someone brought out a chair. So I went over and sat in it.

“Trivia question for you all. Who is the only person that got disqualified from Drag Race?”

“WILLAM!!”

“Yes and even with their bad girl image, she came here. Her back is being as much of a big pain in the butt as she is! Welcome Willam!”

Willam hobbled out, sitting down gingerly.

“There are four things ’I can’t even’ about. I can’t even about how amazing this place is!! I can’t even about my back right now.”

The crowd went “Aw!”

“Okay now ya made me add another to my list. I can’t even with how nice you are all, and I can’t even about how great you all look. Oh and I can’t even about this song.”

She sang How Much Can’t Could a White Girl Can’t.  
“Love you all!”

She hobbled back off the stage. I was pretty proud of her for still performing.

“Okay, by now the secret is out of the bag that I brought LOTS of friends so I need y'all to do something special for this next guest. I don’t want you to clap for this person! I want you to boo them!” I could hear Sharon’s signature laugh, and the booing spread like wildfire.

“Thank you! I love applause from such beautiful ghouls and ghosts! Come closer, and do you know how to call me?” She said.

“ON THE OUIJA BOARD!!” they shouted as about half of the kids jumped up and danced while Sharon sang, turning the mic on them for the line “Ouija board!! Ouija board!”

Sharon didn’t leave until after the boos died down.  
“I just wanted to say something. I know some of my other sisters have said this, but I also wish I had a place like this. So cherish this and each other!” With that she left the stage to extra boos.

“We had to sign a waiver for this next girl to perform!” Bianca laughed and said “You bitch!” 

A girl in the back gasped and said “It’s Bianca!!” covering her mouth as her friends laughed.

I passed the mic to Bianca as she said “Thank you! Thank you! It bears repeating thank you! I’d like to tell you a bit about me when I was your age. Oh damn! That makes me sound so old! When I started drag, I did more of a Courtney Act thing, very light on the makeup. Now I know better. I’m somewhere between a Courtney Act and a Trixie Mattel. I have a lot in common with those wenches, but I have one thing that they don’t have. My bank account has money in it!”

“I am relieved to know I have fans….a fan! Where is that girl?”

A red haired girl was pushed forward by a large group of friends.

“Hi hun!” Bianca said, putting her arm around her. The girl’s whole face was beet red.

“I didn’t know people could turn that colour! What’s your name?”

“Shelly,” the girl sputtered.

“For a minute I thought you were gonna say Shangela and I was gonna have to find a box to lock you in! That’s a relief! Thank you Shelly! You can go back down with your friends, and maybe your face won’t match your hair! It’s a good look though, it’s a good look!!” The girl was laughing so hard that two of her friends had to come help her back.

“Enjoy this place! I would have enjoyed a place like this if it hadn’t floated away during Hurricane Katrina! Thank you for letting me harass you Shelly!! You’re alright girl!” Bianca handed me the mic in the wings and I stepped back out.

“Last act, and you know your staff are cool when they ask these two ladies to sing the song ’I Look Fucking cool’. Here’s Adore DeLaska!”

The song started before they stepped out. Halfway through the song, all the girls came out and danced, singing along.

Then, the applause became deafening!


	28. Beauty is Black and Blue?

Violet’s POV

We’re all clambering into the van after taking pictures and autographing free prints that the tour company provided for the 60+ kids there, and several of the staff who came up after the kids, asking sheepishly for one too. We danced with a few of the kids. 

Bianca danced with Shelly, who was looking like she could burst with excitement at dancing with her idol. Then we had to say goodbye. 

I would have stayed all day but my RedBull was wearing off. My feet were quickly becoming magnetized to the floor, so I was glad when we were asked to do a group photo with all the kids. 

Then Michelle herded us toward a large van waiting outside.

The van was a loud mess of all the queens chattering excitedly, there wasn’t a person in the van that wasn’t smiling ear to ear. Even Willam, who had a death-grip on Bianca’s arm and kept letting out little squeaks of pain.

Michelle said “Okay, before you all go to your rooms or for dinner, It’s 4:15 now, get something to eat and be in the lobby at 7:40pm. Willam, if you don’t feel up to it, it’s okay! You can just do the meet and greet or you can pass altogether.”

I expected Willam to say something smart, but she just nodded as we reached the hotel. I was relieved that Michelle seemed to think I was on the mend, which I was all too happy to make her believe.

We scattered, and I was dragging my feet by this time, but still grinning and feeling really great about what we were able to do.

“C'mon you!” Adore whispered looking concerned.  
Fuck! I didn’t like that she knew me so well.

When we got in the room, she said “That was so much fucking fun!” and began pulling off her platform boots, peeling off her wig and wig cap with a sigh. “You’re feeling tired again, aren’t you?”

“Yes, how the heck did you know that?!”

“I can always tell when you are lying. You have a tell.” She said with a cocky grin.

“A tell?”

“A tell is when someone does a certain action when they are lying. I know this because I can’t get anything past my Mom because she knows my tell.”

“Ok what’s my tell?”

“Oh no! I wouldn’t give that away for ANYTHING!” she laughed.

“And you say I’m the brat!” I said, giving her a whack.

“I’m gonna make a suggestion. Why don’t you take off your drag and take a nap?”

“Um…if you haven’t noticed, I’m in full face,” taking my open hand and making a circle around my face twice.

“I’ve noticed,” she said sarcastically “If we put pillows around you, it will be difficult for you to turn over in your sleep.”

Honestly, I was afraid to sleep. I might have that nightmare again. I don’t know why it happened after so long, it must have been almost a year since the last time it happened. I hope this was an isolated event, like last time. I was breathing quicker in terror just thinking about it returning to a nightly thing. My corset was cutting off my breath. Adore sprung into action.

“Just a second hun!” She ran around to the back of my corset and pulled the laces and unhooked the clasps. She gasped.

She came back to my face, which I was sure was red underneath my makeup. She guided me to a chair and quickly grabbed a bottle of water. She was looking as if she might be sick to her stomach. I gulped in some water, feeling dizzy again. She pulled a chair in front of me and sat down quickly.

“I really hope I didn’t make you sick.” I was feeling like crap for making someone who is so special to me sick. "Are you ok?” I asked. She still had this look on her face that was a mixture of feeling like you might throw up, and someone just kicked her puppy.

“No.” she stuttered out. I had never seen Adore so silent. Did I do or say something wrong? Was she tired of looking after my sick as fuck ass?

“What happened?”

She looked like she was steeling herself to say something big, oh shit, we weren’t even together for 24 hours and she was getting ready to dump my ass.

“Jason, your back is covered in bruises. There are bruises going up your spine like a string of pearls. Who did this to you?”

How do I answer that question? She could tell when I was lying.  
“No one” she gave me a searching look. “Seriously, sometimes I bruise like a peach” I shrugged. “Beauty is pain baby. My corsets often leave bruises and sometimes blisters. It’s super attractive!” I said sarcastically, trying to make light of a difficult situation.

“Is that really all that healthy?” She said, wrinkling her brow. “C'mere” she said holding her arms out for a hug.

I thought of the cold hug from my dream and shivered.

“No Jason!” I screamed in my mind.

I was gathered in my Danny’s warm embrace that was super gentle, not wanting to hurt me. I was so tired. I leaned my forehead on his shoulder, hoping that if I didn’t move too much, my makeup wouldn’t get too smudged. I hadn’t meant to but within the few minutes I had leaned into him, I had fell asleep.


	29. Baseball Bats and Blinking

Adore’s POV

I held the door to our room open for Vi and rushed in to take off my boots. They weren’t uncomfortable but they were hot as hell! I peeled my wig off too. I hate being too hot.

I looked over at Vi and asked them if they wanted a rest, already coming up with a drag friendly way to sleep without smearing makeup, in the van on the way back.

I looked at them, I mean really looked at them. They had a look of terror their face and they were hyperventilating and gasping for breath. 

I didn’t know what else to do so I went behind them, loosening the corset. I felt like everything was going in slow motion. I finally unclasped the corset all the way and gasped in shock. Their back was badly bruised. It looked like they had a bruise on every vertebrae, like someone had taken a baseball bat to their side. There was an angry purple and black bruise that was reaching around their left side. I felt like all the blood at drained out of me.

I sat them down and grabbed them a water, secretly freaking the fuck out.

They knew something was up. I couldn’t keep it in so I told them, pulling up a chair because it felt like my feet were going to go out from under me. My stomach acid churning.

“Who did this to you?”

They told me about their ‘beauty is pain’ theory. I don’t know if they were lying to me this time, because they weren’t blinking at all. Usually if they were lying they blinked a lot more often than usual but not blinking at all? What did that mean?

“I just bruise like a peach” they said and shrugged.

“C'mere” I said flinging my arms out. Their eyes clouded over for a minute and they shivered. I didn’t know if they were cold, or were just thinking of the dream, or the person who did that to them.  
Just when I thought they weren’t going to come over, they jumped into my arms and put their forehead on my shoulder. Their breath hot on my neck and I hugged them gently, feeling like I was holding spun glass. I waited a few minutes when they went limp, they had succumbed to their exhaustion and fallen asleep.

So I sat there, cradling Vi, doing what I did best. I worried. What was really going on? What was I going to do? I felt like I was seeing the old Violet, the one before I had a thousand deep conversations with them, the walled and veiled Vi. This flu of theirs just kept holding on for dear life.

I must've sat there for a good 40 minutes before I moved Vi over to the bed, putting them down as gently as possible. They felt like a feather, light and delicate. They didn’t even stir as I stuffed a nest of pillows under their shoulders. I kissed their forehead and it felt warm.  
Well hell!


	30. Sinking Ships and Crossed Fingers

Katya’s POV

I ran off the stage after doing “My heart will go on” in Russian, wearing a dress that had a 3D ship on the back and front, and I had arranged for someone who worked there to come out as an iceberg near the end during that long ass piccolo solo. 

I loved doing sight gags like this, but of course people love the splitting shit too so at the end when I was pretending to sink, the chorus of Timber came on:  
“It’s going down, I’m yelling timber  
You better move, you better dance  
Let’s make a night you won’t remember  
I’ll be the one you won’t forget  
Wooooah (timber), wooooah (timber), wooooah (it’s going down)  
Wooooah (timber), wooooah (timber), wooooah (it’s going down)  
I pulled off the ship so I was just in a bodysuit and then jumped, twirled, spun, kicked, somersaulted and did the splits and acted like a damn fool! So….the usual!

I walked off the stage and back to the green room, jumping up and down. Dallas has such a great place to perform.

“Vi, you are after Jinkx” Michelle said to a very dazed Violet. They had the same outfit on from this afternoon which surprised the hell out of me. That girl would change outfits every 3 minutes if they could! They weren’t doing burlesque too! I understood why they weren't doing it this afternoon but now? They're not feeling well again.

I went over to the couch and sat down beside them, squeezing Vi's leg which made them jump and then wince.

“Sorry!” I said and noticed Adore was studying me. WTF? “Sorry!” I said again, putting my hands up. “How ya feeling?”

“I’m fine!” Violet barked and then looked like they were about to cry and put their head down wearily. Violet looked like a wounded bird, their voice softened to a whisper. “Okay! I’m feeling sick but you can’t tell anyone please! I’ll be fine! I promise.”

“If you say so!” I said giving them a thump on the back, which made them wince again.

“God Brian, you’re an idiot” I thought, getting up and going to get a water on the other side of the room.

Violet got up slowly when a staff member came for them and headed out. I mentally crossed my fingers that they would be ok, like the 8 year old that I am.


	31. Viadore Implodes the Internet

Adore’s POV

Violet was so angry with me. It was just after the meet and greet and they were fading fast but trying to look like they weren’t.

Why do they have to be like this? It’s so infuriating. 

We were in the green room alone with the excuse that they needed a water but it was really because they needed to sit down.

I had just said, “Let’s go back to the hotel and watch a movie or something.”

“I don’t need you to look after me Danny! I’m fine!” They said, throwing their hands up in the air. Their bottom lip was quivering and there was a pang in my heart like someone stuck a dagger in it.

“Jason, just for a minute, hang up your pride and think of how you really feel, deep down. It doesn’t make you weak. It shows you love yourself. You got through the show and meet and greet. You took care of the fans, now you take care of you. Does that make sense?”

I’m fucking this up. I’m fucking it up so bad. What was I thinking? Especially when I know how independent Vi is.

I was looking down when they did something I never thought they would actually do.

They grabbed my hand and led me out to a taxi, through the front door, in front of everyone!  
Violet Chachki was holding my hand, fingers crisscrossed together, making it evident that I was theirs and they were mine.

I chuckled and leaned over to whisper in their ear “You know that you just imploded the internet, right?” when we got in the cab.

“Good!” they said grinning, leaning their warm head into me.


	32. Tick Tock Hot

TW nightmare, fire  
Chapter 31

Violet’s POV

“I don’t need you to look after me Danny! I’m fine!” I yelled at Adore in the otherwise empty green room, squeezing my hands into fists in anger. She took a step back like I slapped her, bringing her hand up to his heart and tears forming in her eyes.

“You are fucking this all up!” my conscience whispered.

“Jason, just for a minute, hang up your pride and think of how you really feel, deep down. It doesn’t make you weak. It shows you love yourself. You got through the show and meet and greet. You took care of the fans, now you take care of you. Does that make sense?” Adore said, looking down.

It didn’t take me long to figure out what I should do. I needed to show her some of the love and care she has shown to me. Not just since we became a couple, but for a long time Adore has been my sounding board and confidante. Sure I haven’t told her everything! I don’t think I could tell her everything, some things just aren’t meant to be talked about.

I took her hand and led her through the bar, in front of everyone. The shockfaced gay masses parted for us all the way through. I have never been ashamed of Adore, of course, but doing that in front of everyone sent a message. I was taken by one great guy.

“You know that you just imploded the internet, right?” he whispered in my ear, sending a delicious burst of goosebumps down my side.

“Good” I said, looking down at our hands braided together in wonder.

I didn’t deserve this. I didn’t deserve anything good.

I leaned against Adore’s shoulder and daydreamed until I real dreamed.

The cab stopped in front of a house, my old house to be exact.  
I looked around, expecting me to be alone but Adore was right there.

“C'mon silly” she said grinning, grabbing my hand and running into the house, not bothering to knock.

We walked in and there was nothing in the house but a clock on the wall that ticked loudly. It had been the bane of my existence while I was growing up. Trying to do homework while taking care of my sister.

Just thinking of her made her appear. Coming down the stairs this time.

“Hi!!” Danny said.

“Can I have a hug?” Cassie asked Danny, her voice sounded like an echo and completely insubstantial.

“No no Cass! You just met him hun.” I said, getting closer to Danny and putting my hands up to stop her. She seemed to move so fast that she teleported, dodging me and was in front of him holding her arms up.

“Aren’t you cute?” Danny said with glee in his voice, he stumbled forward a bit til Cass was staring over Danny’s shoulder, grinning a creepy grin that seemed to go from ear to ear.

She took her hands from around his back and started choking him.

“No Cassie! No! Not Danny! No please!“ I said slipping down on the floor, crying so hard I felt like I was the one being choked.

She didn’t disintegrate this time. When Danny fell she slithered off of him, and came up to me.   
The clock seemed to be ticking louder every second. I looked up at it and down at her and she was on fire, slowly being gobbled up by the flames.

I tried to get Danny out but I couldn’t lift him. It was so hot in here! So very hot.


	33. Buzz at the Bar

Katya's POV

“Did I just see that?” I asked Bianca, who looked just as dumbfounded as I was.

“Adore and Violet holding hands? Yeah I did. What an odd pair! Did you know they were together?” Bianca said, shaking her head in bewilderment.

I could feel my face going red but I wasn’t sure whether to say it.

“Out with it Katya Zamoblablabla!” Bianca said, giving me a look that would make a prisoner of war talk.

“Ok, when Vi was sick and Adore was watching over her, I came along in the morning to find Adore half sitting, half laying with Vi.” I paused to take a drink of my soda, my mouth suddenly dry.

“AND?” Bianca said raising her eyebrows so far that they were getting lost in her wig.

“They were holding hands.”

“Well shit!” Bianca said “Adore usually tells me everything. She has seemed to be quite protective of Vi lately to be honest.”

I nodded. The whole place was practically buzzing with shock. I’m sure there will be lots of rumours and I really hope that doesn’t affect their relationship in any way.

Alaska ran up, out of breath and said “Is what everyone said true? Are Vi and Adore together? I was busy.”

“Ha!” Bianca cackled “I know what you did last summer!”

“Oh girl please! I wasn’t doing that! I was in the bathroom! God! A girl can’t have any sense of mystery these days!” she said, clutching her necklace.

“I think we have seen enough mystery tonight” Sharon said laughing her high pitched laugh.   
“What an odd couple to be honest!”

“Don’t go there go! Not today Satan! Not today!”  
We all dissolved into laughter.


	34. Cold Shower for two

Adore's POV

Vi was so dead asleep when we got to the hotel, that I paid the driver and went around to carry them.

I went through the lobby, drawing a few odd looks as I carried them through.

I can imagine how odd we looked, or maybe queer is a better term. A giant drag queen with HUGE platform boots and carrying a tiny unconscious queen. I was trying so damn hard to not let their head flop backwards. I got to the elevator, having no clue how I was going press the button. I looked around in frustration for a minute when the elevator dinged, scaring the shit outta me and almost making me drop Vi.

The doors opened and I smiled.

“Hey rocking granny!!” I whispered.

She looked at Vi and made a perfect o with her mouth. “Oh my goodness! Get in here!” she said pulling me in the elevator and pressing 2. I expected her to leave but she stayed in the elevator.

I looked at her “Weren’t you leaving? I don’t want you to miss out on your plans to ride the elevator with me or us is probably a better way to put it!”

“Are you kidding dear!? I am not going to let you try and hold them and open the door!” she exclaimed. She put her hand on Vi’s forehead and pulled her hand away quickly like she had touched an open flame. “My God! They are burning up hun!”

“I know, they’ve been sick the past few days. I’ll wake them up in a minute and get them to take some advil and get a cold cloth.”

“Where is your key dear?”

“In my purse” turning so she could see the small purse around my shoulder. She hesitated.  
“Go ahead! you’re not gonna find much in there.”

She pulled open the door and held it till I got in and put Vi on their bed. “Rockin’ Granny” disappeared and I thought she had left til she reappeared with a cold cloth and a towel that she spread out on them, looking worried.

Vi started stirring and then thrashing around and I knew immediately what was happening even though I had only seen it once. They were having a nightmare.

I turned to the older woman, trying to be as kind as possible. “Thank you so much for helping! I know that Violet will be mortified if someone saw them sick. You know how proud they are. I’m sorry!” I said, feeling guilty.

She grabbed my shoulder, giving it a tight squeeze, “It’s ok! You should get them to a hospital. They need to be cooled down fast.”  
She said and left, closing the door softly behind her.

Violet started thrashing around violently, I grabbed the thermometer and had to hold her head, 102 degrees.

“Fuck!”

By now Violet was yelling “No Cassie!” it was starting again. They then said “No! Not Danny, Please not Danny!” 

I scooped them up and ran into the bathroom, doing the only thing I could think of to cool them down.  
I stepped into the shower, turning the shower all the way to cold, pulling theirwig off and sat down with them laying over my lap like a baby. They were thrashing so badly that I was afraid they were going to hurt themselves. I didn’t want to hold them down if they really did bruise easily, so I grabbed the towel still on top of them, tucking it around them. It seemed to help a bit. I don’t know how any of this came to my head so I send up a silent thank you.

“Violet, it’s ok!! Jason it’s Danny, I’m safe! You’re safe!” I said in their ear, hoping they could hear me wherever they were.

“It’s so hot in here Danny. So damn hot!” she mumbled.

I was so cold but the heat radiated from them.

“Violet, wake up! Violet come back!”

I don’t know how long it actually was but it felt like hours, trying to hold them without breaking them. We were both in full drag. If the walls had eyes.

Finally with one final violent shudder, they sat bolt upright, hugging their knees to their chest, their eyes wide and terrified, nostrils flaring.

After a moment, they were trying to cringe away from the cold water. They were back.

“Jason?” I croaked and they jumped about a mile in the air. “It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay.” I repeated over and over, smoothing their hair back and rocking them back and forth. After some time they seemed to come to full recognition of what was happening and looked at me.

“What?” They said, the confusion plain to see on their face.

“Your fever was bad, rocking granny said I should cool you off, I thought this would work better than a billion cloths.”

“Is she still here?” They asked panic sparking in their eyes.

“No I sent her away! Don’t worry.”

We were both shaking so badly, our teeth were chattering. I reached up and turned off the tap. I managed to wrestle the curtain to one side and grabbed the towels hanging on the bar, thankful for my long arms. How the fuck was I supposed to get us outta here?

I gathered them up as much as possible and scooted us on my butt, using my legs to push us out. I wrapped them in the towels and rubbed their arms with my hands.

“You need to get out of your wet clothes.” I said my teeth still chattering. I reached back to their suitcase, finding the warmest thing possible, a hoodie, boxers, and the jogging pants they came to the hotel in.

I propped them up for a minute and pulled feverishly at the laces and hooks of their corset till they were freed from it. I winced at the sight of their bruises but couldn’t focus on them right now. I was feeling so embarrassed but I started stripping off their skirt when they grabbed my arm.

“Let me do it.” they whispered, still chattering.

“Do you want me to turn around? Do you need help?” They looked up at my face, I’m sure that my blushing face could be seen in the patches my where my makeup had rubbed off.

“Can you help me stand up? Maybe close your eyes?”

“Sure hun.” I held them up by their armpits so they were facing away from me. Closing my eyes tightly.

They shuffled around for a minute “Can you help me with my pants?” sounding defeated.  
I opened my eyes and they had managed to wiggle into their boxers with their jogging pants in their hand.

I didn’t want to drop them and didn’t know how I could hold them up and help them at the same time. So I picked them up and sat them on their bed, Pulling their pants over their feet and standing them up for a moment to pull them up, grabbing the towel I had flung on the floor and wrapping it around their long beautiful hair.

“Can you sit up for a minute?”

“I think so” they said weakly. “I just want to sleep.”

“I know but you need advil and if your temperature hasn’t come down, you are going to the hospital.”

I grabbed the bottle of advil the thermometer and water moving as fast as possible.

“Take these!” I said urgently, dropping pills directly in their mouth and holding the water for them. They flopped back onto the bed. So I crawled onto the bed, trying not to drip on them. They were still shivering violently. 101.2 degrees.

“I gotta call Michelle.” I mumbled.

They didn’t move this time and I didn’t want to hold them with my sopping drag so I kinda dragged them around and covered them up to their chin.

“Michelle, are you back at the hotel? Please call me back. It’s an emergency.” I left a message, feeling desperate for help. I grabbed a towel and headed back into the bedroom so I could keep an eye on Violet. This is no time for modesty, I thought peeling off all the layers of my drag and throwing them in a heap with Vi’s and throwing on a hoodie and PJ pants. I climbed into my bed. I wanted so badly to curl up with them but I didn’t want to add my body heat to their fever. When I had body heat. I couldn’t keep my eyes off Vi as I pulled all the covers on my bed around me and hoping Michelle checked her phone soon.


	35. Mom mode

CW- illness  
Michelle

I pulled out my phone to call a cab when I saw I had a message. Going outside into the warm night and stepped a bit away from the people smoking outside, laughing at Katya’s antics. I plugged one ear and listened as I heard Adore’s panicked voice “Michelle, are you back at the hotel? Please call me back. It’s an emergency.”

I felt my face blanche.  
I quickly called the taxi company, feeling like the minutes were hours.

“Katya, can you gather any girls who want to come back to the hotel now.” I said smiling at the fans who looked disappointed. Katya looked at my face and almost ran into the building.

“Sorry guys, we have to get up very early and some of the queens aren’t so good with not having any sleep! Not good when we basically travel in a sardine can!”

By the time the taxi came, Katya was followed out by Alaska, Kennedy, Bianca and surprisingly Pearl, leaving Jinkx and Sharon in the club. Willam had been bummed out that she had to leave right after the show but you could tell her back was killing her.

“Is this about Violet?” Pearl said, worry painted across her face. I thought about it for a minute and thought no reason of keeping it from them. “Yes. Adore called in a panic. I wish I had heard my phone earlier.” I said, angry with myself. 

I felt a hand squeeze my shoulder.  
“You didn’t know Michelle.” Katya said.

I threw some money at the taxi driver. We rushed into the elevator when it finally got there. I punched the number 2 button so aggressively that my nail split.

When we got up to the 2nd floor I expected everyone to splinter off to their respective rooms, but they all followed behind me. For a moment, I thought of telling them to go, but we are a family and they were reacting like a family with a member who was sick.

I knocked on the door softly. Adore opened the door and peeked out before opening the door wide for us to all enter.

She was a mess, half her makeup off, shaking like a leaf with bloodshot eyes. She saw Bianca and flew at her while Bianca said “It’s okay. Shh Danny,” wrapping him in blankets, rubbing his back. Katya sat on the other side as close as possible with her hand on Adore’s quivering knee.

I looked at Violet and took a sharp breath. You could only see their face because there was a towel around their head and covers pulled up to their chin but their skin was white with red blotches on the cheeks and it was so see-through that you could see every vein under their skin. They were shivering and sweating at the same time.

I immediately went into ‘Mom mode’.  
“Adore how high was their fever? Did you manage to get any Advil in them? Why is their hair wet?” I fired off in about 15 seconds grabbing the thermometer.

“102 degrees, yes and I took them into the shower with it on cold full blast.” She said, quickly.

I looked at the thermometer, 101.6.

“Ok enough is enough! Violet can be mad at me later!” I muttered punching 911 into my phone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spelling Mum the American way is almost painful for me. Lol!


	36. Mystery Lights and Moving Furniture

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I gave y'all a bunch of chaps today because it's my birthday (beware the Ides of March is all about me) and I feel generous. Hehehe I hope you are having a great day!  
> Love and glitter,  
> Remény

Über short chapter.  
Violet POV

I woke up to red lights blinking, I wish someone would turn out the lights. I opened my mouth to say something but my voice must have been broken because no sound came out. I knew I should have some type of feeling but I couldn’t really care enough to muster one up. I closed my eyes again and then they broke too because I couldn’t open them anymore, no matter how hard I tried  
Even with my eyes closed I saw bright lights passing by and realized my bed was moving. Adore was moving the furniture? I closed my eyes again.


	37. Ambulance rides and hand tents?

TW: medical emergency/needles  
Adore POV

Michelle was going to go in the ambulance with Vi.

I was walking being partially supported by Katya and Bianca. I should have been warmed up by the time we got everything together and waited for the ambulance but I couldn’t stop shaking.

Violet was in Pearl’s arms, wrapped in a blanket. Pearl looked terrified.

Kennedy went and pulled up her Sister's van for Katya, Bianca, me, Alaska and Pearl. Everyone but me had little bags with them, they had scurried to their rooms to grab boy clothes/shoes and makeup wipes because they weren’t going to have time to de-drag before the ambulance got there hopefully. Michelle had told them that they could dedrag and then come but they all wanted to support Violet.  
The ambulance seemed to take forever.

Bianca went over to Michelle and had what looked like a deep conversation. They kept looking at me while Katya was taking the Frankenstein patched makeup off of my face with a makeup wipe.  
Michelle came over. I was worrying that she was gonna make me stay here because I was still shaking and apparently I was allergic to Katya’s makeup wipes because I was all blotchy.

“Adore, I think you should come with me in the Ambulance. I’m sorry I didn’t know you and Vi were a couple. You should be there too. Plus, you have been with them, and taken care of them a lot this past few days, and you are going to have answers to questions I won’t know. They may only have space for one person to go with them, so I may have to go with the other queens.”

An ambulance careened into the parking lot, and came to a stop in the drive-through of the hotel. A guy and a girl jumped out, grabbing equipment and a gurney. (I watch way too many medical shows.)

They took Vi from Pearl, unwrapping them from the hotel blanket, putting them on the gurney and attaching a pulse and oxygen monitor and whisking them into the Ambulance. Michelle and I went up and the woman said “I’m sorry but only one loved one can come in. I need room to work.”

Michelle stepped back and I climbed up into the ambulance.

The woman who was no older than Vi and I closed the door and quickly introduced herself as Madrigal, which I thought was a cool name. Madrigal pointed me to the little bench while she attached belts on Vi up to their waist and said “Let’s go Markie”.

“What’s your name?” she asked, rifling around and pulling out different drawers, she found what she needed and checking the monitors and looking concerned. She pulled out an oxygen mask and turned a knob. “Name hun! Yours and…your friends and any info you could give us would be great.” She said, pulling the zipper down on Vi’s shirt and affixing stickers for a heart monitor. I was hoping that she wouldn’t see the bruises which she didn’t because her mind was already on to the next thing. She put a BP cuff around their arm. Taking Vi’s temp.

“I’m Danny Noriega, that’s Jason Dardo. They have been feeling bad for a few days but they just can’t seem to shake whatever this is. Temperature has been up and down, it was good all day today without medication but we are both performers and we had 2 gigs today so it was super busy. We left just after the show because their fatigue was bad. They feel asleep in the car on the way to hotel where I checked their temperature and it was 102 degrees, so I carried them into a freezing cold shower. It went down to 100.5 but it is going up again. I knew they needed help. They also passed out for a few minutes with a fever that died down pretty fast yesterday. No one else is sick.” I spoke as fast as I could.

“Speaking of helping, can you come over here and grab their hand? I can’t find a vein. As long as you don’t faint at the sight of blood.”

I went over and she showed me how to hold Vi’s hand so she could find a vein, at around the 5th try she said “Fuck!“ and then apologized.

"Oh please! I’ve said worse!"

She grabbed another IV kit and pulled the blankets off their feet.

“Oh God!” I said.

“I can’t get to a vein in their hands, there are bigger ones in the feet. can you put one hand under their foot and pull it down.”

“Huh?” I said.

She pretty much made Vi’s foot into a ballerina point and told me to hold the end and cradle the middle of their foot.

She smiled. “You can sit again. Thanks!”

She set up a clear bag with a tube going to the IV.

She sat down for a second, her eyes going around to all the meters. “Are they genderfluid? You can hold their hand.”

“Yeah they are but they aren’t worried about pronouns and thanks!” I said smiling.

Madrigal reached out and supported Vi’s hand, palm down. She pinched the skin and pulled it for a moment then let it go. The mark stayed as a peak on their hand for a very long time. She reached over and made the drip, drip of the liquid into a steady stream. She checked their temperature again and grabbed another bag of IV liquid making that one full speed too.

I felt like this took longer than the 22 hour bus ride it took to get here!

We finally got to the hospital and I’m following them in. They want me to wait in the waiting room. I explain that I’m their boyfriend and they actually let me in. I will never get used to calling Vi my boyfriend. 

Although I know they can do it themselves, I felt it was my job to look after them. Even if it was just right now.


	38. Bright lights and bad memories

TW: hospital, Needles (no descriptive details)  
Chapter 37

Violet’s POV  
I opened my eyes and automatically squinted, it was so bright. My whole body hurt.

“Jason?” Someone said as the room thankfully got dimmer.

I opened my eyes again and saw Danny’s pale face appearing over me.

“Hi! Is it time to pack up?” I sat up and noticed the small room with white walls and way too many windows. “What?” I said, confused.

Danny came up and put something behind me so I could stay sitting up. There were 500 white blankets on me, pulled up to my chin and tucked behind my shoulders. There were wires and tubes snaking out from under the blankets and then I clued in, I was in a hospital.

“Vi, you’re in the hospital. It just could not wait anymore.” Danny said softly “I’m sorry. Your temperature was 102°, and the cold shower only lowered your fever 1.5 degrees”

At the thought of the cold shower, I could feel the blood draining out of my face and I was panicking inside. I fumbled trying to take the blankets off, feeling an ugly pain in my hand. I was expecting to see an ugly blue hospital gown. My heart was beating so fast and my I started hyperventilating. They couldn’t have put a gown on and not seen the bruises.

“It’s okay Vi, you still have your clothes on. I told them not to unless it was absolutely necessary.” I breathed a sigh of relief. Before I could ask how, Danny kept speaking “When we were in the ambulance, the girl pinched your skin and it stood up like a mountain top so she came in saying patient has severe”

“Dehydration.” I interrupted before he could finish.

“Yeah! How the heck did you know?” Danny sounded shocked.

“It used to happen a lot when I was younger but hasn’t for a while. No one could figure out why.” I was finally getting my bearings. My foot was freezing, I probably kicked off my blanket. I looked down shocked to find an IV in my foot. I combed my hand through my hair and noticed ANOTHER IV in it! Holy crap!!

“The ambulance girl tried to put a few IVs in your hands but you were too dehydrated. She put one in your foot and attached two of the bag things to it and they were going full speed. By the time we got here they could put one in your hand. You sca–”

We were interrupted by the glass door sliding open. A Doctor with a clipboard came in.

“How are you feeling Mr. Dardo?” He asked not even giving me a chance to speak “So I checked your blood work from when you came in, your electrolytes and potassium were very low. Dangerously low. If your……friend hadn’t brought you in, it would be an even worse situation. So we hooked you up to IV fluids and potassium while you were unconscious. You’re new blood work is much better but I would like to keep you overnight.”

“No!” I said, sharply. “I don’t want to do that. You’ve topped me up and I promise to drink lots. I’m an entertainer, I’m on tour with him,” I pointed at Danny and grabbed his hand.

“He is my boyfriend and has taken really good care of me. It’s my fault that I didn’t come in earlier. I thought I had the flu. I’ll come back if I have any more problems and if you say I can’t perform for 24 hours or whatever, I will do that. I don’t want to stay here.”

He frowned, his forehead wrinkled as he thought. “That seems reasonable. I’ll recheck your new labs and we should wait for these bags to empty. If everything checks out, you should be able to leave in a 45 minutes to an hour. Any questions?”

“Performing?”

He scrunched up his forehead again. "What kind of performing do you do? Does it involve exerting yourself?”

“I can do an act that doesn’t.” I said pleadingly.

“Okay, that should be okay. Nothing that would make you perspire a lot, got it?”

He gave me a stern look and I nodded.

He turned around and left the room. Danny let out a breath that he seemed to be holding. He came over and hugged me, burying his face into my hair.

“I’m so glad you are okay!” Danny said, his voice muffled and cracking with emotion. He let me go even though I wanted to hold onto him forever. “Is it okay if I go tell the girls waiting that you are okay? I’ll be right back, I promise!”

“Girls?” I said, feeling embarrassed.

“Oh don’t even bitch!” He said with a hand on his hip which made me laugh. I nodded and he whisked out of the room and I was left alone in a room that made me remember things I so desperately wanted to forget forever. 

"No Jason," I wispered outloud and closed my eyes against the flood of memories that threatened to drown me.


	39. Goodbye Adrenaline

Chapter 38  
Adore POV

I was so relieved. Jason looked almost dead in that bed when they first came in. Maybe I fucked up by not telling the doctors about the bruises. 

I headed out the glass doors to the waiting room. I expected maybe Michelle to still be there but all the girls were there, looking worried.

“How are they?” Michelle asked while all the girls that were waiting started to open their mouths to ask.

“They’re okay! They wanted them to stay but they convinced the doctor that it was reasonable to go home...Well back to the hotel. He said they were okay to continue working as long as they didn’t do strenuous acts. They pumped about 5 bags of saline through them and some potassium and said their blood work had improved enough to go home.   
They’re just waiting for their last bags to drain and their IVs to be removed, which should be soon. The doctor said it was a very close call.” I said, putting my head down. Katya and Bianca both got to me first and grabbed me in a bone crushing hug.

I felt myself shaking again, my adrenaline wearing off. I was sobbing by now. What if they had died? I can’t imagine my life without them.

They were my boyfriend but more important, they were my best friend. After however long it was of me, crying out all of my fear and guilt, I looked up and Michelle and Pearl were gone Lord knows where. 

I felt a finger tapping my shoulder. I looked over my shoulder and Vi was there, supported by Michelle and Pearl, with their arms opened wide and a sheepish grin on their face. I turned and once again buried my head into their shoulder, unable to control my tears.

After a few minutes, Vi whispered in my ear “Don’t cry too much bitch, you don’t want to get dehydrated!” I let out a loud laugh mixed with my tears.

“Let’s go home, my bed is calling me,” they said, picking up my hand and squeezing it.

“Let’s blow this popsicle stand!” Michelle said.

“Whatever the fuck that means!” Vi quipped sarcastically as we got into the cab.


	40. Heartbeat Lullaby

Violet's POV

We got back into our hotel room and Danny pointed at the bed and then to me.

“One second! I gotta pee so bad.”

After, I got into the bed and sighed. Danny tucked me in and got up, fiddling with the alarm clock.

“Wait” I said softly, feeling very uncomfortable with how vulnerable I sounded and felt. “Will you stay with me?” I said, patting the bed.

He smiled timidly and said “Sure.” He was about to lay on top of the covers when I opened them. He climbed in and kissed my forehead. I put my head on his chest and fell asleep to the lull of his big, beautiful heart beating.


	41. Cravings and Stretching

TW brief mention of death/funeral  
Katya POV

“What a night!” Alaska exclaimed as she ran the keycard and opened the door.

“I know right! Holy Fuck!” I said. “I’m so relieved Vi is ok. To think that something even worse could've happened” my voice trailed off as I sat heavily on the end of the bed but missed and landed on the floor. I didn’t much care. All the bad things were running through my head. I could imagine Vi’s funeral. I could imagine them sitting up from the casket and pointing at me to say that I killed them.

I felt Alaska’s hand on my shoulder as I shook and cried. I eventually had to get up and be sick. My heart hurting with the possibility that such a young and amazing queen could have been gone in a second because they were stubborn.

Alaska helped me up from the floor and I cried into the tall queens shoulder. “Why didn’t I just take the key when Adore gave it to me and call 911? Why didn’t I do something?” I started to clench my fists until I drew blood with my nails.

“Stop Brian.” Alaska said seriously. She held me out to arm’s length to look at me. “Let your hands go now.“ She said sternly but not unkindly. I did as she asked without question.

"It’s not anyone’s fault, we all thought Vi just had the flu. We could not have expected this at all! Let’s just be happy that they’re okay. Adore is looking after them, and I trust Adore. I mean, I wouldn’t have thought to put them in the shower! Would you?”

“I don’t think so.” I shook my head.

“I think Violet must have a special angel looking out for them…. you know… aside from Adore” I said with a little chuckle.

I plopped down on my bed, and stretched out from sitting on the cold hard seats at the hospital.

“My ass has permanently taken the form of those plastic chairs.” Alaska said, flopping down on her bed and starfishing across it.

I sat up again, bad thoughts once more running around my head, like a gerbil on crack running on a wheel. I folded in on myself, covering my face with my hands. I just wanted to be numb. I wanted to use so badly. I craved it like you craved air when you resurfaced from a particularly deep dive.

I felt a freezing cold poke and jumped, Alaska had put a water bottle on my shoulder.

“Thanks.”

“It’s gonna be okay. Wanna talk about it?”

And talk we did. We had to get up at 5, so we did what any drag queen would do at 3:30 in the morning. We packed and talked and Alaska actually made me laugh.


	42. Surprise Packing with Silent Ninjas

Adore POV  
There was a soft knock on the door and I stirred.  
I hadn’t really slept because I had one ear tuned to listen for them.  
I got up as quietly as I could, trying not to shake the bed and wake up Vi who had rolled away from me in the night.

I opened the door to find Alaska and Katya outside. I put my finger over my lips and stepped out of the room, keeping my foot in the doorway.

“We thought we would come help you pack things up!” Alaska whispered cheerfully. Katya just nodded and smiled a little.

“Sure, that would be a huge help!” I said, smiling gratefully. I hadn’t even thought about packing up my and Vi’s drag! I kinda had other things on my mind.

“What should I do with the pile of wet drag in here?” Katya said in a loud whisper.

“Oh fuck!” I said “Um, just wring it out and put it in the big black garbage bag in my boy bag!”

She gave me a quizzical look.

“What?” I said “I like to put my dirty clothes in a bag and keep them separate.” She gave me a you’re-a-weirdo look. "What? My Mom taught me to do that before I left for American Idol.” I shrugged.

We managed to pack almost everything up by the time the alarm went off.

“Fuck,” I muttered, moving as fast as I could to shut it off but Vi was stirring, putting their hand down where I had been sleeping 45 minutes earlier. Their eye’s snapped open, I quickly jumped on the side of the bed.

“I’m here. I’m right here Jason.” I grabbed their hand in both of mine. “Hello Sunshine!” I said smiling. They smiled back at me and I thought my heart would stop. They sat up slowly and saw Alaska and Katya sitting in the chairs with half smirks on their face.   
Vi blushed and looked down but then they seemed to change their decision and looked up at them, smiling bashfully.

“Hey guys! Wait? Are you vibrating?” they said to them.

I took a look at them and they were kind of jumping up and down a little in their seats with huge smiles on their faces.

“You two are milyy” Katya said.

By habit all of us said “Katya! We don’t speak Russian!”

I loved when Violet threw their head back and let out their sarcastic wonderful laugh. Vi was already beautiful but a real laugh from them was utterly priceless. I don’t know how but when we were together they seemed to be the only person in the room.

“Bitch why you staring at me? I’m not gonna disappear!” They said, squeezing my hand.

I smiled and nodded, not understanding what I ever did to get so lucky.

“Okay okay, enough you two!” Katya said scream-laughing. “Almost time to go, make googly eyes on the damn bus! Grab your boy drag bag!”

“I haven’t packed” Vi said.

“Girl we already handled that,” Alaska said with a flick of her wrist.

“’Kay, I’m gonna have a shower.”

Vi got out of bed, looking fairly normal as they walked to the bathroom. I pretty much held my breath until they came out about 10 minutes later.

While they were in the bathroom, I paced by the door. Katya and Alaska gave me looks of understanding that bordered on pity.

Vi came out so fast from the bathroom we collided, falling to the ground and laughing.

We were interrupted byy a firm knock at the door.

We got up and I opened the door to see a uniformed bellhop. We told him he could come in, and we showed them what bags were to go down.

I looked at Katya as he was loading the bags, she was looking at his butt. Katya looked up at me and mouthed “Trade,” which took everything in me not to laugh, feeling my face flush.

We veered to the check in desk to drop off a swag bag for rocking granny and her grandson. I put my number on the card so she could call me so I could thank her personally.

We were the first queens on the bus so we sat down waiting for the rest to trickle in. Vi and I sat side by side, but I didn’t know if they still felt the same about holding my hand so I rested it beside me.   
They didn’t hesitate, but grabbed it, and gave me the googly eyes that Katya had been talking about.


	43. Dreaded Questions and ½ Truths

Violet’s POV

I was still feeling shitty, but not as bad as last night. I was conscious for one thing! Even in my thoughts, I’m a sarcastic bitch. Danny was sitting beside me, his face awash with anxiety. I grabbed his hand. I looked at him and smiled.

Bianca and Willam climbed onto the bus. Willam was actually walking fully upright again.

“Hey you look like you are doing better!” I said.

“Bitch you just took the words from my mouth!” Willam joked, coming to sit beside me. Giving me the side-eye but not asking the detested ‘how are you?’ question.

Things started to blur a bit. Kennedy came on and gave me a hug before she left for home.  
Pearl was actually on the bus before a lot of people. Squeezing my knee and going back to her bunk.

Sharon came on the bus looked at me and burst into tears. Kneeling in front of me, plunking her forehead down on my knee.

“Do I look that bad I’m making you cry bitch?” I said, feeling uncomfortable.

She half sobbed and half laughed. “I’m just so glad you are okay! I’m sorry that I wasn’t there to support you!”

“It’s cool. I was unconscious for the majority of it anyway!” I fluffed it off, shrugging one shoulder.  
She gave my knee a little squeeze then went to sit across from us beside Katya who swung an arm around the shoulder and passed her some tissues.

Everyone else trickled on, giving me looks. Jinkxy grazed my knee with their hand but kept on walking, looking like they were in between drunk and hungover.

It wasn’t til Michelle was on that the dreaded “How are you?” happened.

“I’m much better,” I said and smiled. She looked at me up and down like she was an xray… or maybe lie detector. She went into the kitchen.

“That was quick!” I thought, relieved that I didn’t get a lecture.

Danny’s pocket rang, he looked at his call display and looked like he was about to throw up. “I have to take this, ” he said and squeezed my hand and let go.

Just my luck, Michelle plunked down beside me handing me a gatorade. Oh shit.

“Drink it. I bought several different kinds and there is lots of water and juice. We are not having a repeat performance of last night okay? You scared the shit out of us!”

“Sorry,” I mumbled. God Jason, you fucking ruin everything!

“Hey,” Michelle said, leaning down so she could see my eyes, “It’s not your fault baby! I just want to avoid it happening again, okay?”

I nodded.

“Is everyone here?” she asked to no one in particular.

“Yep, Jinkx and Pearl are in their bunks.” Katya said.

Michelle nodded and yelled “Take it away Alex!”  
“Are you coming with us?” Alaska asked, Michelle nodded. I was so confused because Michelle always flies because she gets bus sick and a plane ticket is cheaper than getting a bus detailed.

“Nah I’m gonna stay on to make sure everything is okay,” she mentioned, looking from Willam to me. 

Before I could say anything smart and probably stupid, Danny came from down the hall. His eyes were red like he’d been crying. He sat down beside me but I could see his lip quivering. He grabbed my hand in a death lock and I knew he was upset.

“Danny, I’m really tired, can you help me to my bunk? I’m a little off balanced still.” I said, standing up with my gatorade in one hand and his hand in the other.

It wasn’t a complete lie, I was really tired.


	44. MOMMY!

TW cancer mentioned

Adore’s POV

My phone rang and I fished it out of my pocket and looked at the display which just said ‘MOM’. I could feel everyone’s eyes on me so I excused myself.

I hardly got out a choked hello, thinking of all that had conspired since I emailed her.

“What’s wrong Danny-Boy?”

“Nevermind, I’ll tell you after. Aunt Ruth?”

“No Danny. Tell me.”

“Violet had to be rushed to the hospital last night. I almost lost them. The Dr said if it was left… if it was….” I totally dissolved for a second. I was hoping Pearl and Jinkx were asleep. “If they hadn’t come in, it could have been too late.” I blubbered but thankfully my Mom could understand me.

“Oh Danny, I’m so sorry!” she exclaimed “are they okay? Are they in the hospital? Was it something treatable?”

“They are okay, they’re on the bus. It was severe dehydration, but it was scary taking them in the ambulance.” I shivered.

“Now I know you are a good friend of theirs but were you told to go with them in the ambulance?”

“Michelle let me go because Vi and I are together.” Why was I blushing?

“TOGETHER together?” she said surprised. I nodded. "Are you nodding again Danny? I can’t hear your head rattling.” she said, amusement in her voice.

“Yeah, we’re TOGETHER together.” I said, bursting into tears again. “Mom, I don’t want to fuck this up.”

“Why do you think you will? Give yourself some credit Danny!” she said firmly. “I think you know Vi better than anyone else. Just be forthcoming and honest.”

Honest.

“Mom, I have to tell you something. I know that you want me to figure shit out on my own but I really don’t know what to do.”

“Go ahead hun.”

I got into Willam’s bunk at the very end and whispered “Mom, Vi has been having these horrible nightmares. They haven’t ever had them before but they are terrified in them.” My voice cracked at terrified, but I had made my mind up to keep going before she could say anything or I chickened out.

“Mom, they are covered in bruises.”

“What?”

I spoke in a little louder of a whisper. “They have bruises on almost every inch of their body, mostly their torso. Mom and they just say they bruise like a peach.”

“Oh fuck. I’m sorry Danny. I’m sure if it’s something else, they will tell you what’s up when they can. Maybe they don’t feel safe? Not from you! If someone else is causing the bruises.”

“Stop Mom. I know it’s a possibility, but it just turns my stomach to think of that. I’m just glad they are okay.”

“Me too honey, me too!”

“Did Auntie Ruth get her results back?” I asked feeling like the seconds of silence were hours.

“She’s all clear!” She pretty much squealed in glee.

I was crying all over again.

“Danny? Y'ok?”

“Yeah, I’m just relieved is all. You know how much I love Auntie Ruth!”

“Honey, I have to go but you go hug that boyfriend tight and give them one from me. My son is dating Violet Chachki. I’m so fucking happy for you and them!”

“Mmhmm, me too! I love you Mom!”

“I love you too Danny-Boy”

I hung up and ferociously swiped at my face. I waited a few minutes to calm down, then headed out to the living room and sat by Vi, grabbing their hand.

“Danny, I’m really tired, can you help me to my bunk? I’m a little off balanced still.” Jason said.

“Um sure.” I said, kinda surprised that they asked for help. They pulled me up instead of the other way around.

They led me to their bunk, where Alaska bunked before Vi was so sick that one night. We both sat down hard.

“What happened Danny?”

“What do you mean?” I said playing dumb but I knew it was a lost cause and sighed “Okay, my Aunt Ruth had surgery to remove a lump and we were waiting for the results.”

Vi gasped and then smacked me. “You goof, you should have told me! Is she gonna be okay? Is it cancer?”

They were so cute, they had tears in their eyes and didn’t even know the woman other than me talking about her sometimes.

They shook me, “Is it cancer?”

“No she’s good but…” I did not get the rest of my sentence out when they hugged the crap outta me.

“Can’t….breathe…” I whispered, they let go immediately. “Kidding!” They smiled and yawned.

“Drink your haterade and go to bed Vi!”

“Yes Sir!” They said and saluted me, then downed the gatorade and hopped in bed.

I held their hand again like a few days ago, a shiver passing through me at the memory. I should have insisted they went to the hospital then. They’re hand went slack and they were asleep.

I let them go, which was difficult.

I was tired. I went out to the living room, told Michelle Vi was asleep and turned around and climbed up into my bunk.


	45. 'Mom' things goddammit!

Michelle POV

Most of the queens had gone to their bunks to get some sleep. The girls that had been at the hospital actually got back to the hotel before Jinkx and Sharon. Willam was sitting across from me in the living room because he had been the only person who actually slept last night.

Willam sighed.

“What’s up Willam?”

“I just can’t believe I wasn’t there last night!” Hitting his fist on the chair cushion in frustration.

“You didn’t know baby.” I said, “I’m sorry I didn’t call you, but I knew you weren’t feeling 100% yourself. I knew the plastic chairs would probably make your back worse, but I’m sorry. I should have let that be your decision. Like you say you’re a big boy wearing big girl’s clothes.”

“I understand.” He sighed, pulled out his phone and started tapping away.

I yawned.

“Go to bed bitch!” Willam said to me “Sorry I’d let you make your own decisions, but I know what’s best for you.” He said, rolling his eyes.

“Ugh there are no windows back there, the motion with no windows equals me barfing in the bunk above you. Now ask yourself, is it worth it?” I said laughing.

“You’re such a fucking baby, I’ll go to my bunk and watch a movie or have a nap.” He said, giving my knee a soft wack when he walked by.

“I’m just gonna check on Vi and then I will.”

“Girl, they aren’t going anywhere… but I understand you're gonna do your 'Mom' shit regardless.”

I walked back, already feeling slightly nauseous in the dim light.

Vi was laying on their side towards the hall. They looked like sleeping beauty. I put my hand on their head, hoping they wouldn’t wake up. They felt a little warm, but not hot. I grabbed the blanket and pillow from my bunk and walked quickly back to the living room, letting out a breath of air I didn’t know I was holding.

I fished in my bag and found my trusty eye mask and flopped on the old, lumpy, scratchy-fabriced couch, pulled the blanket up, and fell asleep the minute I hit the pillow.


	46. Devil in a Pink Dress

TW: blood n evilness

Violet POV

I could feel someone poking my toe, I stirred but left my eyes closed, that person could fuck off.

“Hey” I heard whispered in my ear and goosebumps multiplied like rabbits on my body. I knew that voice anywhere.

“Cass?” I mumbled, opening my eyes. I expected to be in my home, like I was in all of the dreams. She was standing at the end of my tour bunk. She was fading in and out like the TV set in the poltergeist, like she was shorting out.

“Where’s Danny?” She said with a devilish grin on her face.

“He’s not here!” I said

“Did I hear my name?” Danny said cheerfully, climbing down from his bunk. “Oh hey Cassie girl!”

“Hey Danny.” She replied, a glint of mirth in her eyes. She was playing with the pink satin sash of her dress like she used to.

“S'up?” Pearl ambled down the hallway. “Who are you?” Pearl questioned.

Cassie disappeared and Pearl shook her head, his face clearly confused. She popped up behind him and yelled “I’M CASSIE!!”

He jumped. “You’re good girl!” He said laughing.

Why didn’t they understand she was dangerous?

“Will you come play with me in the living room? It's dark and I'm scared of the dark.” She pouted, cocking her head to one side.

“No, no! Please Cassie!?" I begged.

Danny and Pearl followed her like they were sleepwalking. Alaska, Katya, Sharon, Jinkx, Bianca, and Willam all followed, their eyes still closed.

I went to jump out of bed but I could not move. I couldn't scream a warning. I couldn’t even blink, my tongue was glued to the roof of my mouth.

That’s when the screaming started. Voices filled with horror and fear being cut off one by one.  
I struggled futilely to move but I couldn’t do anything about it.

Danny was the only one still screaming, he was still alive, Thank God! Then Danny’s voice was cut off with a wet gurgle. 

Cassie appeared again, blood covering her pink checkered party dress, sickly dripping down her leg and smeared across her arm.

“You are all mine now.” She grinned, sitting down by my feet, happily humming a song I couldn't place. She touched my foot and I could move again.

All the screams I was holding in came out then.  
“No Cassie! Why?!”

She faded away as I tried to reach for her, my arms going through her.


	47. The Aftermath of Cassie

Adore’s pov

“He’s not here.” I heard Vi say in a strangled voice.

It took me a minute to figure out where I was. The bunk. I missed a bunch of rungs in the ladder getting down. My stinging feet landing on the floor with a hard THWAP and I was already running towards them. Several of the queens poking their heads out of their curtains in confusion.

I just got to them when they pleaded “No, no Cassie please.”

I grabbed them, knowing they would thrash soon.

They weren’t moving. I grabbed them by the shoulders. “Jason wake up! Cassie isn’t here! You’re okay! You’re okay.”

They were stiff like a board. Like they were having some kind of epileptic fit.

“Adore, is…” I heard Michelle say and stuck my hand up to silence her.

“What can we do to help?” Katya’s brittle voice came from the darkness.

“Can everyone just get in their beds and pretend this isn’t happening?” I asked without looking up. I heard retreating footsteps.

“Jason, it’s okay! Shhh! It’s okay!” I tried to pick them up a little to hold them but they were completely stiff. Their face wasn’t even moving, it was frozen in a look of terror. They weren't even blinking.

I straddled them to grab both shoulders and shook them. Absolutely nothing. I moved over to perch on the side of the bed.

“Vi I’m here, you’re okay!” I was starting to worry, they were barely breathing.

Their face started to move and I breathed a sigh of relief, they were back.

“No! Cassie, why?” they yelled and sat up, their eyes still closed reaching for the end of the bed, they closed their arms in like they were giving themselves a hug and opened their eyes.

I grabbed them in a hug but they were still in a panic. “Jason, it’s Danny! It’s okay! It’s okay! I’m here, you’re safe. You’re safe.” I repeated over and over again.

I could hear random sniffles and sobs from both ends of the bus. I couldn’t worry about that now.  
I just kept rocking Vi back and forth, smoothing their hair and reassuring them that they were safe. But were they? I felt completely helpless against this enemy named Cassie that has been torturing one of the people I care most about in the world.

They started to cry and it was a relief, not that they were crying, that hurt my heart, but because they were finally reacting.

“Shhh, it’s okay! It’s okay! I’m here. It’s Danny! You’re safe!” I didn’t know what else to say or do so I just kept repeating it over and over again like a desperate, pleading gravel-voiced mantra.

“Oh Danny, I hate this. I don’t want you to die!” They whispered.

I held them at a distance and cupped their face in my hands.

“Jason, look at me. I’m okay! I’m safe. Cassie can’t hurt me.”

They flinched at Cassie’s name. I wanted to know who Cassie was, and why they terrified my boyfriend so much, but I knew I couldn’t ask. I’m not as stupid as people sometimes think I am.

I don’t know how long we sat there. They were leaned into me and I was rocking them, trying to prove to them that I was solid and very much alive.


	48. Aftermath of Cassie Part II

Katya’s POV

“What can we do to help?” I asked Adore, who was sitting on the side of the bed by a very still and terrified looking Violet.

“Can everyone just get in their beds and pretend this isn’t happening?” he asked not looking up.

I beckoned to Alaska who followed me. I hopped up in my bunk and she followed.

We both sat there listening. The terror in Vi’s voice was killing me. Adore had acted like this had happened before.

Alaska was sobbing so I reached over and grabbed her hand. I could hear others crying as if ‘Lasky had set off a chain reaction.

“No! Cassie why?” Violet asked sounding like their very soul was being wrenched from their body.

I was suddenly choking a sob, covering my hand with my mouth.

Alaska scooched closer and hugged me with their long arms as we heard Adore saying “It’s okay Jason. You’re safe. You’re safe.” over and over and over again.

After some silence, Alaska and I creeped down the ladder and went into the living room next door.

Every other queen was out there in various states of disarray and all of them were crying.

Michelle was leaned over with her elbows on her knees and her face in her hands. Her shoulders were shaking with silent sobs. Bianca sat on one side and Sharon on the other with their hands on her back.

On the other side of the room Jinkx and Willam were sandwiching an inconsolable and shaking Pearl. To see the normally impassive queen breaking down like that felt like it was tearing my heart out.

Alaska and I looked at each other and split. I went to Pearl and she went to Michelle.

I sat at Pearl’s feet, my hand on his knee, not knowing what else I could do but show we were all together in this. 

Whatever this was.


	49. Confrontation 3-way

Adore's POV

I could hear muffled sobs from the living room, hoping Vi couldn’t hear them. They were just getting getting calm again, still tucked into my arms protectively with their head on my shoulder.

“Thank you Danny.”

“I’m so sorry Jason. Whoever Cassie is, I wanna kill them.”

They stayed silent. Damn.

“I know you want to know but I’m not ready for that. I’m just not.”

“It’s okay baby. It’s okay! I understand. I really do.”

“Really?” they said, looking up at me with a surprised expression in their eyes.

“I trust you Jason.”

They sighed “Thank you. Can you do something for me?”

“Anything.” I said smiling.

“Can you go tell the fools in the living room that I’m fine. I’m not dumb, I know they heard me. This bus ain’t that big and the bunks aren't sound proof." Throwing some beloved sarcasm my way.

“Can do. Anything else?” I asked before I let them go and got up.

“Just keep being patient with me?” They said, sounding very small.

“I’m not going anywhere baby….well except to the front room for a minute!”

I felt the rumble of a little laugh and reluctantly let them go.

“I’ll be right back and bring you some haterade. Do you want anything else?”

“No I’m okay.” Vi whispered.

“No you aren’t, but you will be my dear.” I squeezed their knee and went out to the living room.

There were clumps of queens on either side of me, all with tear stained faces or still crying. Michelle was folded over on herself.

I didn’t know how to interrupt so I opened the fridge. Everyone's heads snapped up at the same time but Roy got to me first. Who knew he could move so fast at his age?! Katya wasn’t far behind.  
My legs felt weak and shaky like I had spent too much time at the gym but Roy and Katya and Sharon were there and helped me get to the nearest couch.

I couldn’t indulge myself in too many tears so I just sat for a moment and caught my breath. My tears would happen later, alone.

“Violet just wanted me to tell you all that they are okay.”

I could see everyone’s eyes on me, wanting to ask what the fuck that was about.

“Vi just watches too many scary movies, I told them not to! So they had a nightmare. The best thing to do is to find something to do so if they come out, y'all won't be staring at them like they grew another head.

Everyone seemed very quick to accept that story even though everyone knew that it was bullshit.

Pearl still had tears streaming down her face. I went over and Jinkx shuffled out of the way so I could sit beside her.

“It’s okay Pearl, they’re okay!” I said gently, wondering why the usually apathetic Pearl cared so much.

“They’re not, you know they’re not!” Pearl protested and stormed away.

“Don’t worry about it Adore,” Willam said “Pearl just has her panties in a bunch.”

“I have to go back to check on them. It’s just a usual day okay?”

I got a sea of nods and “yeps”, picked up the gatorade from the floor and grabbed a pepsi for myself and headed down the hallway.

“What the fuck is wrong with you Violet?!” Pearl barked angrily and holding Vi’s forearm in a tight hold as if they might run away. Vi was squirming and trying to pull their arm away.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!” I bellowed at Pearl and was getting ready to kick Pearl’s ass. Adrenaline and rage coursing through my veins like wildfire.Pearl let go of Vi's arm like a person caught in the act. Vi rubbed their arm for a second. I charged down the hallway, hands clenched.

“Stop Danny!” Vi said, throwing their hands up.  
I immediately halted, flipping the hall light so I could see Violet without getting any closer to Pearl.

“Pearl wasn’t doing anything hun. She’s just confused as to what happened, and she isn’t as patient as you. Hot headed bitch!” Vi said offering a small smile to Pearl and a big one to me.

“Sorry Adore.” Pearl muttered.

“Hmph.” I said.

“Danny?” Vi nudged quietly.

“I’m sorry Pearl.” I said, all the fight going out of me. Vi patted beside them. I sat down hard catching Violet’s wince and giving them a searching look. They shook their head almost imperceptibly at me.

“Pearl, there is nothing wrong with me,” they said calmly “too many scary movies!”

We didn’t even plan that!

“Bullshit!” Pearl said angrily.

Violet spoke before I could.

“Pearl” Vi said dropping all pretense “I don’t want to talk about it. I’m not comfortable with talking about it with anyone. Got it?”

Pearl sighed and nodded and stalked away towards the living room, but veered and climbed into their bunk, shutting the curtain roughly.

I handed Vi their gatorade. Just sitting there, not knowing what to feel. Vi turned so they were behind me, kneading my shoulders with their nimble fingers.

“Relax Danny, dammit!” they said whacking me on the back of the head and making me laugh.  
“That’s better bitch!” they laughed, giving me a kiss at the base of my neck.


	50. Act "Normal" (Whatever THAT means!)

Violet

I leaned against the side of my bunk after Adore left to talk to the gurls. I can’t believe that just happened. Fuck! I can’t believe this is happening again,period. I hadn’t had these dreams more than once for 4 or 5 years. It was a really dark time when–

No Jason! Don’t!

Adore was coming down the hall, at least I thought it was Adore.

“You need to talk to someone Vi, it’s not right!” Pearl’s disembodied voice found me before she came out of the darkness to near the little light cast from some Queen's abandoned cell screen.

I shook my head. “No Pearly!”

She roughly grabbed a hold of my forearm, shaking me a little.

“What the fuck is wrong with you Violet?!” Pearl seethed.

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!” Adore roared, looking like they were going to attack Pearl. His eyes wide, taking in the way Pearl was grasping my arm, his nostrils flaring in anger.

After things had been settled, Pearl had stomped away to her bunk.

Adore sat on the side of the bed with a thump just staring forward.

I climbed behind him and gave his tight with stress muscles a massage. Why did I always do this to people? Stress them out. I gave him a kiss at the nape of his neck.

I crawled to swing my legs to the side of the bed so I was sitting beside him. He was still looking dazed. I grabbed the gatorade beside him on the bed and chugged half of it. I’m so not into hospitals again.

I grabbed Danny’s hand and said “Well I feel like getting this embarrassment over with and go to the front.”

“You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Absolutely nothing! You can’t control your dreams! I will tell you about embarrassment! Try stage diving and all your fans part like the fucking fangirl sea! That’s embarrassment!”

I laughed, “Did that really happen? Or are you just trying to make me laugh?”

“I have the scar to prove it and what’s wrong with making you laugh?” He chuckled.

“I feel like I have to keep saying this because you have to keep saving my sorry ass. Thank you and you are the best bitch.”

We stood up hand in hand and headed to the living room. I squeezed and then let go of his hand, and veered to the bathroom.

I closed the door with a big exhale, remembering the last time I was in here. I sat down on the small square of floor available. The room had the smell of pinesol cleaner and piss.

I hugged my knees around my chest and put my head down.Why did life have to be so hard sometimes? Why did I let that wall of cockiness down and showed people that I wasn’t such a cunt? Worst decision ever, I thought for a moment then realised I don’t think that Danny would have anything to do with me then.

I stood up and leaned over the sink to look into the mirrora at my somewhat exhausted face. “Jason you gotta get your shit together!” I whispered pointing my finger at my reflection. “You are fucking fierce. You are more than your past. You are loved. Now go out there and show people who’s the fiercest fucker alive and don’t fuck it up!”

I plastered a smile on my face, squared my shoulders and headed out to the living room to pretend it was just another day with an overactive brain.


	51. The Pope of Nope says no exploding Drag Queens

Adore POV

I walked into the living room. Hovering a few feet by the closed bathroom door and surveying the room.

Pearl, Jinkx and Sharon were watching Pitch Perfect 2 on the old school TV in the corner of the room.

Michelle was playing candy crush on her phone with a big bag of ginger candy beside her. She looked a little green.

Alaska, Katya, Bianca and Willam were gathered around the rickety table playing cards.

The whole table groaned.

“I counteract my exploding kitten and defuse it with my excessive ball licking card,” Katya said and scream laughed and everyone roared, making the movie queens look over in disaproval.

“I think I’ll use my infinity boner to look into the future to the next 3 cards,” Alaska said giggling.  
“Katya should have had that card” Bianca said and everyone howled while Katya did her cowardly lion noise.

“I attack using my rubber dick collection. Roy, you gotta do 2 turns!” Willam joked, “Ahh! A case where a card game imitates life.”

“Dammit” B said. “Jokes on you bitch I have a 'the pope of nope has spoken card' so it’s your turn.”

Katya put down a pair of fat cats in a bikinis and picked Alaska to steal a card from. She picked up a card and slapped it down “I done did explode!”

Bianca noticed me lingering in the hall between the kitchen and bathroom.

“Get your ass over here Adore!”

I wandered over, and Bianca moved over so I could sit down.

Violet came out of the bathroom, and I was relieved that they looked like they hadn’t been crying but they had a hard glint in their eye.  
The wall was back. Dammit!

“C'mere, play with us! It's fuuuunn” Katya tried to entice Violet to no avail. Vi gave her a icy look and stomped over to sit between Michelle and Sharon, pulling a magazine off the table bringing their twiggy legs up to their chest and resting their chin on top and disappearing behind a Vogue.

Katya gave me a quizzical look as if to say, “What the fuck is wrong with them?”

I started to get up when Bianca kicked me and shook her head slightly, whispering “Leave them alone for a bit. No exploding drag queens!”

They taught me the game, and we played for about ½ hour, I hadn’t laughed that hard in days. Alaska and Katya were rattling around in the kitchen during the last game.

“Food, come get you some!” Katya said holding up a plate with meats and cheeses and making price is Right model type gestures over the plates as Alaska was making boobs with 2 buns.

It was like a stampede of queens, grabbing sandwiches, chips and soda or water and squishing into the table space.

I always get anxious about meals for Vi.


	52. The Day the World Went Grey

TW blood

Violet’s POV

“Food! Come and get you some!” Katya shouted, and everyone got moving but me and Sharon. I’m hoping people will just leave me the fuck alone. I kept sniffling and thought, “That’s great! I’m getting a cold too! The perfect accessory to already feeling like shit.”

“Vi you should eat something, you can have something other than sandwiches if you want. I’ll get it for you even!” Sharon kept talking, and talking, but before I could raise my head up and lose my temper, Pearl balanced a plate with a sandwich on my knees.

“I’m not hungry!” I said, none too quietly, head still buried in my mag. It was kind of like a sheild from the staring eyes of the Queens. I was sniffling but I didn’t want to put my book down to get a tissue, I just concentrated my eyes onto a beautiful purple gown, my face was close enough to almost kiss it. “How many times do I have to say it?! I’m not interested in your fucking sandwich!”

I felt someone sit down beside me.

I really wanted to throw the fucking sandwich, but I didn’t. I threw my magazine down, and Sharon and Pearl yelled out, staaring at me.  
Michelle was beside me. “Oh my God Vi! Someone pass me a towel!”

Everyone turned to look at Michelle, then myself, their faces turning into various states of horror.

I looked down and my shirt was saturated in blood! Katya rushed up with a hand towel, with Jinkxy not far behind.

Katya grabbed the soft parts of my nose and pinched firmly. I tried to swat her hand away. “Nope sorry bitch, you’re stuck with me for the next 10 minutes” She said, checking her watch.

Jinkx passed Michelle 2 bags of ice that they had folded in kitchen towels. “Put one on your nose and cheeks,” they said to me. “Michelle, sit them up straighter, a little forward and put this on their neck. I’ve had a few nosebleeds in my time.”

Good job Jason, I thought. Way to cause drama yet again.

Minutes passed and Katya checked her watch, leaned over and let go for a moment.

“Nope still bleeding, sorry babe.” She said pinching my nose again. My body naturally tried to get away from the pain, but Michelle was preventing my head from going backwards.

My arm was getting tired of holding the ice so it started drifting downwards. Danny’s pale face appeared in my line of vision, taking the ice from me, returning it to my face and grabbing my hand with his free hand.

Michelle got up to do something, and Jinkxy sat down beside me resuming Michelle’s job.

Katya once again removed the towel, staring at me intently. “I need another towel here!”  
When she switched towels, I could see that what was once a white towel was sodden with my red blood.

“Look at me Jason! Stay with me.” I was focusing on Danny’s face and he smiled.

“We’re at the hospital Michelle” Alex said, sounding funny.

“Jason? Stay with me!” Danny’s voice echoed around me. I was looking at him, but my vision was only grey tones and something was eating my vision from the outside in so finally I was left with a tiny speck of vision.

Then everything went black like someone flipped a switch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am honoured that the talented DoctorProfessorMarcus was inspired by this chapter to make this amazing fanart of Violet bleeding out. http://m.imgur.com/a/yRN8M This is truly one of the most amazing and wonderful things ever! It's now my wallpaper on my phone.


	53. A Promise of Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok if you got this far in the story y'all know there is gonna be health stuff , hospitals, evil Satan babies named Cassie, blood, murder etc so I 
> 
> I will, however, still be TWing anything to do with addiction since I have experience and do not want to risk anyone's recovery.

Adore POV

The bus stopped in front of a hospital. I wanted to just heave Vi over my shoulder and run in but Katya caught my arm and said “We need to do this together.”

I picked up Jason’s limp body like I was giving them a backwards piggy back, trying to keep them as upright as possible. Katya resumed holding their nose and we shuffled as quick as possible into the hospital.

“Is this Jason Dardo?” Two nurses in scrubs came up with a gurney. Michelle must have called them.

I followed as they were rolling them away but one of them put his hand out. “I’m sorry you can’t come in. We need space to work.”

“But I’m their boyfriend” I said to a swinging door. They were already gone.

Katya steered me to a row of chairs. All the queens trickled in, a few at a time. We waited and waited. I was shivering so badly. B pulled off his sweater and put it over my head and pulling it on me like I was 5.

At one point Michelle sat with me squeezing my knee and said “What do you want us to do? Should we reschedule the show? Some of us can stay behind.”

I shook my head. “No, I do not want to disappoint the fans who will already be missing two of the people promised. If we reschedule, some people who bought tickets won’t be able to come if they have to work tomorrow. Vi will be pissed if that happens.”

I didn’t want to be left here alone, but I didn’t want others to suffer or be sad like I was suffering right now.

“I’m staying here.” B said matter of factly. Michelle nodded.

“I actually got a hold of Phi Phi O'Hara, Jiggly Caliente, and Milan before I got off the bus so they are going to meet us at the club.”

I will always be amazed by Michelle’s organizational skills.

“I’m so sorry Danny but girls, we gotta leave to paint. We’ll go right to the gig. Are you sure that you don’t want us to stay Adore? It’s okay if you do, we understand.”

I shook my head, each queen hugged me when they left.

Then it was just Roy and I, I leaned against his shoulder and indulged myself in tears.

After 4 hours that felt like 4 years, a female nurse came out and said, “Is there a Danny Noriega here?”

I stood up, expecting Roy to follow but he waved me to go ahead. “I’ll be here.”

I almost had to run to keep up with the nurse. She lead me through a maze of doors to one marked ICU. The rooms had a full wall of glass. I tried not to look into the rooms, but a few grabbed my attention. Lotsa machines and crying people. The nurse lead me into a room where Jason was lying in a bed.

“The doctor will be in soon.” the nurse said, promptly leaving.

I looked down at a sleeping Jason. (I couldn’t think of any other option but sleeping because everything else scared me too much.)

They were so small, like they were being eaten alive by the starched white linens of the bed. They were in a pale blue gown and I cursed to myself, knowing that the medical people had seen their bruises.

There were lots of tubes attached to them, a red bag caught my eye and I realised that they were getting a blood transfusion. My sight blurred for a minute, and I started looking anywhere else. I noticed there was a handprint shaped bruise on their forearm where Pearl had grabbed them mere hours before.

There was a heart monitor on them, and as I held their hand, I was hypnotised by the rhythm, knowing that meant life and a future for Jason, even if it wasn’t with me.


	54. Dozing and Danger

Violet’s POV

I cracked my eyes open, and knew exactly where I was. I looked down to see Danny sitting in a chair, slumped over with his head resting on the bed beside our united hands.

One of the machines beeped, and he sat completely upright with a scared look on his face. He noticed that I was awake and put a thinly-veiled smile on his face, the glint of unshed tears in his round panicked eyes.

He opened his mouth to speak when a mousy-haired nurse in perky sunshine scrubs came in the room, shooing Danny out of his chair so she could hover around the machines like a manic humming bird.

“How are you Mx. Dardo? I’m Nina!” She said, using the gender neutral term for Miss/Ms/Mrs or Mr. I smiled at her, I give no fucks what pronouns people used for me, but I felt that it showed respect.

“I am frankly confused!” I said bluntly while I looked around.

“Well you came in with significant blood loss, which put you into a type of shock, but we are getting you topped up. The doctor should be in soon to go over any tests they did before you got to us in the ICU. Do you need anything? Something to drink? Some water or juice? How about you Mr Noriega?” She turned bright red.

Danny smiled at her. “It’s ok! Thanks for watching the show, and knowing my boy name is extra points since it’s not on your paperwork!” He joked “You can call me Danny or Adore if you want to!”

I nodded “Same here. Jason or Violet is fine!”

“Well I wish I was meeting you in different circumstances Jason and Danny! I’ll see you later okay? Just press the button if you need anything!” She said with a smile before leaving, sliding the door closed.

“Hey girl hey!” Danny whispered with a small smile. “How ya feeling?”

“Honestly I don’t remember much.” I looked down, and saw the ugly blue gown and sighed.

“I wasn’t around. They wouldn’t let me in. I couldn’t do anything. Plus your shirt and part of your pants were covered in blood so they wouldn’t have let you keep them on anyway.”

He came and held my hand, I noticed smears of blood on his pants. His sweater wasn’t his.

“Shit!” He swore. “Bianca is out in the waiting room. I’m gonna go to the desk and call her and tell her to go to the hotel, or do you want to see her?”

I shook my head. I really didn't want any of the others to see me like this.

Danny left and I closed my eyes for a minute but when I opened them Danny was back at my side, asleep again. I must have dozed off. I saw movement out of the corner of my eye. My vision was fuzzy. It’s probably Bianca. I blinked a few times, hoping it would clear.

“Hi?” I whispered.

“Hi Jason!” Cassie said back and my vision cleared. She was sitting at the end of my bed in her pink checkered party dress. She was always wearing her pink party dress with the satin sash and her silver mary jane shoes. I looked at her feet and there were no shoes, her white ruffled socks caked with mud.

“You’re getting mud on the bed,” I whispered, trying not to wake up Danny. She stood up, blurring with the speed of it, then she was over by Danny.

“No Cassie, don’t wake him up.” I whimpered.

“Okay,” she said making me jump as she was instantly on the other side of me, opposite Danny.

“It’ll be done soon. Don’t worry!” She said squeezing my hand with more strength than a girl her size should have.

“Let go! You’re hurting me” I whispered sharply, I knew she wanted me to wake up Danny so she could be evil to him but I was totally done with her.

She shrugged and then jumped up on my bed, crawled up my body like a snake and started shaking my shoulders with her iron grip.


	55. Hospital Floors and Cardboard Sandwiches

Adore POV

“Yeah, thanks so much B! I’m sorry you waited so long!”

“No problem hun. Can I bring you anything tomorrow?”

“Uh I can’t think of that really. A change of clothes? Definitely coffee!”

I could hear Vi speaking quietly, Nina had probably gone back in.

I heard alarms going off and wondered what poor soul was in trouble. About 5 doctors and nurses came running down the hall and I expected them to veer off and they did but they veered into Vi’s room.

“Gotta go B!” I managed to squeak out.

I ran to the room. Vi was shaking violently, a billion people buzzing around them.

I started to enter when Nina came out of nowhere, blocking my way.  
“Danny, please come with me for a moment. I know you want to be in there but it would actually be a detriment to them. You can't get in the way, they need space to work.”

I was feeling very fuzzy, my vision was going in and out and all the colour had gone out of the room.

“Danny?” Nina said, seemingly in slow motion from a far way away “LITTLE HELP OVER HERE!” She shouted.

Then I was going to get acquainted with the floor.  
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
I blinked, seeing a face above me but it was blurry, I couldn’t see clearly.

“Jason? Is that you?”

“No, it’s Nina.” I tried sitting up but she pushed me down. She was deceptively strong for a little thing. “Don’t move Danny, just lay there for a minute. Have you eaten anything today?”

“No, I was in the process of getting lunch when Jason started bleeding. Are they okay?” I croaked out, tears dripping down my temples and into my hair. She reached out of view and tried to dry my tears with a tissue but they were just coming too fast.

“Brian, can you get Mx. Dardo’s friend Danny something to eat and drink please?” She said giving me a little wink at the Mx. Dardo part.  
What happened with Jason? Why weren’t they telling me anything?

“Vi?” I said crying harder, which I didn’t think was possible. I felt like someone punched me in the stomach.

“Can you sit up? Slowly please!”

I sat up with the help of the mysterious Brian who handed Nina a sandwich and orange juice.  
Once I was sitting semiproped, I was lost in thoughts. Was Vi really ok? I closed my eyes.

“Adore Delano, look at me!” Nina said fiercely, I opened my eyes in time to see Brian giving Nina a WTF look. “I know you want to be with Violet, but you can’t do that if you don’t eat something! If you don’t eat something then you ARE going to pass out again, and if we don’t catch you, you WILL have to go down to the ER, and that won’t help Violet at all. Understand?” She said quickly, handing me a half of a sandwich.

I started eating, I felt like I had a lump in my throat the food had to make around. It tasted like cardboard. She handed me the juice, and the second half of the sandwich but before I started in.  
“Tell me about Vi please? I can’t wait a minute longer. If I’m allowed to know.”

“Of course you are allowed to know. You are their boyfriend and one of their next of kin! They had a seizure, it’s kindof when the brain short circuits itself. They are doing well now, but with the meds we gave them, they probably won’t be awake til tomorrow. The next 24 hours will be crucial while we figure out why they had a seizure.”

“I’m not leaving.”

“I know love. There is a room for families down the hall where you can get some sleep.”

“No, I’m not leaving their ROOM, I’ll sleep in the chair or the floor.” I said.

She put her hand on my shoulder “We’ll make sure you have a cot. Brian and I are going to help you get up and walk with you to Violet’s room now ok?”

“I’m so confused!” Brian said while he helped Nina to help me up.

She chuckled. “Danny here and his boyfriend Jason are entertainers who were on a really popular reality show. I believe they are here on tour, is that right?”

“Yeah we’re on the battle of the season’s tour.”

“So who is Violet?” A still confused Brian asked.

I made myself smile, “Here,” I said pulling out my phone.

I showed Brian photo’s of Violet alone and me alone and then us together. The last picture was the one of Vi with the purple jeweled dress with the crown & scepter and a radiant smile. 

“That is us. We are drag queens. We’re basically paper dolls.”

“No way!” Brian said looking from me to my picture and then Jason to their picture.

I sat down in the chair. I hadn’t looked at Vi yet. Brian handed my phone back and left. Nina stayed in the room, checking various machines. She came over to me and patted my hand.  
“Look at them Danny, Hold their hand, talk to them.”

And then I did look over.

They were laying there with a peaceful look on their face, their arms and face were the only parts out of the stark white linens.

I grabbed their hand, and it was warm and substantial and I never wanted to let it go.


	56. It's A.L.L. About the Dardo Family Tree

Violet POV

I woke up feeling like I had been working on silks for a week straight, that is to say I hurt like mother fucking hell.

Danny was holding my hand while sleeping on a small bed on the side of the bed that Cass had been on. He was all curled up on his side and he looked so damn cute. I may feel like shit, but I felt like the the luckiest person ever too. I was just smiling at him, a little bit dazed and confused. He stirred and looked around for a minute, getting his bearings. He saw me and gave my hand a squeeze which made me wince. He immediately let go and folded up his bed and rolled it in the corner and came to sit by me.

“You had a seizure last night and scared the shit outta me. Now I know what it feels like to pass out though! Not a fun experience.”

“Are you okay? I’m sorry Danny.” I said getting quiet and looking around

I raised my hand, looked at it, trying to look anywhere other than Danny. I noticed a small handprint shaped bruise. Danny followed my gaze.

“Where did that come from?” He looked completely shocked.

“Well I..” but before I could try and bullshit this away that it wasn't because of a ghost, 2 grey haired men in white coats slid the glass door open.

“Hi Mr. Dardo, how are you feeling?”

“Okay, tired, confused, in pain, and you can call me Jason.” I said shrugging.

“We’d like to talk with you about your test results.” He looked at Danny, clearly about to ask him to go outside.

“He can stay.” I said, grabbing his hand in mine.   
“He’s my boyfriend and I want him here.”

“Okay, I’m Doctor Mariano, and this is Doctor Richardson,” the Doctor who had a tidy beard said and they shook our hands.

“I’m afraid I have bad news” Dr Richardson said “Our tests and your symptoms have confirmed you have acute lymphoblastic leukemia which is a–”

“Not again!” I blurted before thinking, “Doctors I am way too familiar with this subject! When is induction chemo, and has it spread to my brain and spinal cord yet?”

The doctors looked shocked and I’m sure I looked like I was in shock.

“Have you had A.L.L. before?” the doctor said, flipping through his papers and looking for my health information.

“No, I haven’t, but my sister had it, which I knew would put me at a higher risk. I should have come in when I saw the bruises and had fevers. I don’t know if I just chalked it up to my work, which is pretty strenuous, or if I was just in denial. Do I need to have a bone marrow biopsy?” I was sooooo not looking forward to that, I had one when I was a tween to see if I was a match for a bone marrow treatment. (I was not) It hurts like fuck!

“When you came in and we saw the bruises and bleeding, and seeing you came in a 2 nights before, we managed to put the pieces together rather quickly. Once we stopped your bleeding, we managed to do a bone marrow aspiration with local anesthetic. Your blasts are at about 30% so it’s not worse case scenario. Good thing we are 95% sure it isn’t in your spine or brain, but we’ll have to do a spinal tap to be sure.”

I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding.

“We’re going to go work on a treatment plan for you. You seem to be pretty versed in the subject, but do you have any questions?”

“Not at the moment,” I said as I watched the men who were holding my life in their hands leave the room.

I turned to Danny, who was sitting there woodenly.

“Danny? Danny!” I said, shaking our conjoined hands.

“Who’s Cassie?” He looked at me, tears cascading down his face.

I guess it was time.

“You know how on the show I said my parents were preoccupied with my sister, so I was left to cultivate my own self-confidence?” He nodded “Well they were preoccupied because Cass had A.L.L., and was in and out of the hospital. I was 12, so my parents thought it was okay to leave me home alone for long periods of time. Which was fine because I was a pretty mean microwaver!” I tried making a feeble attempt at a joke.

He didn’t laugh, he just said, “What happened to her?” I could see in his eyes that he knew the answer but didn’t want to believe it.

“She died. I was in the room. I was the only one in the room. For a long time I thought I could have done something about it. I used to have those dreams every single night til I was about 18, and then they just stopped. Every dream she takes someone away from me.” My voice went from robotic automatic pilot to cracking. “She is always wearing the dress that she was buried in. She was shaking my shoulders when I went into that seizure, she was shaking me because I wouldn’t let her hurt you.” I said completely losing it. 

He climbed up onto the bed and just let me cry it out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These are completely fictional situations.
> 
> Also, BOOM!
> 
> I adore all the feedback I've been getting, ILYSM! I also gladly welcome constructive criticism!


	57. Blasts at Boarding School

Adore's POV

Is it possible to be feeling so much heartache and be numb at the same time? Well I guess it was since that was what I was feeling. Completely helpless, worried, and with a billion questions.

Jason had stopped crying, and we were just sitting there, holding onto each other like a life raft in a turbulent ocean.

They moved their face to look at mine, how could someone so sick look so beautiful?

“You didn’t sign up for this. I won’t blame you or hold it against you if you want to break up. You’ll still be my best friend,” they said taking my hand in both of theirs. Steeling themselves for me to reject them.

“I am not going anywhere.” I said, pausing between each word, “I need you to do something for me.”

“Anything,” they said, looking relieved as hell.

“What the fuck is a blast?” I said looking serious.

They let out a little chuckle. “Sorry! I forgot you aren’t versed in the wonderful world of blood cancer!” I shivered. “Ok here is how it works. The bone marrow, the center of the bones, makes red blood cells that carry oxygen around, and they make a type of white cell that is your immune system. This was the analogy I used with Cass, your bone marrow is like a boarding school where the cells don’t leave til they’re all grown up. Blasts are bad students that run away from school. So they are basically premature white blood cells that crowd out the good mature cells. My blasts are at 30% which is good, it means it was caught at a fairly good time but Cass’ blasts were 85% when she was diagnosed.”

I hugged them gently, but before I could say anything, the door slid open, and a nurse with short grey hair and a sour expression entered the room.

“Hello Mr. Dardo, you have some guests, should I let them in?” They got a panicked look on their face then they smiled.

 

“Sure!”

“They can’t stay for long, 10 minutes max.” She said with a stern look.

Once she left, Jason looked at me and said “Not a word, okay? I will get the pity face enough being in here, but the cancer pity face is so much worse.”

Before I could respond, Katya, Alaska, Pearl, Sharon, Willam, Bianca, Jinkx and Miss Fame came around the corner and into the room.

A few stopped in the doorway, their faces shocked, looking around at all the machines causing the other queens to trail around behind them. A few of the queens were staring wide-eyed at Vi with their oh-so-chic gown, tube, and wire accessories.

“Sooo do you like my dress?” They said, making a fierce face.

Everyone started chatting after one another with as quiet of voices as possible.

The nurse stuck her head in. “2 minutes.”

“Last night’s nurse was soooo much nicer,” I said ,and Vi nodded.

Everyone starting to make their goodbyes, giving Violet gentle hugs.

“Michelle will be here in a little bit,” Bianca said. “Adore, you need to go get some food in you and change your clothes.” Bianca said, handing me a bag.

“I don’t want to leave them.” I said, pouting.

“You keep forgetting your baby Jesus eye’s don’t work on me bitch! I will stay with them.” Bianca said, putting on hand on her hip.

“Danny, please take care of yourself. We don’t need to both get sick. Take your time! I’m not going anywhere!” They shrugged.

I gave them a huge long hug. I whispered “I’ll be right back love,” in their ear.

Then I was swept away by a sea of my people.


	58. Not a Pie Eating Contest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am no longer looking after a 9 year old child so expect new chapters in the day now too!

Katya POV

We were lead out of the ICU, and into the main waiting room.

Adore stopped. “I can get something from the vending machines and change in the bathroom.”

“No no no you don’t!” I said, linking my arm with hers. I was pretty worried. She had absolutely no facial expression. I expected her to crumble like when Vi was at the hospital, but nothing. Absolutely nothing.

“There is a restaurant a few doors down” Alaska said.

Adore nodded. I think she knew we weren’t going to give up, so she let me drag her to a tiny, but clean, restaurant. I have never seen Adore so dimmed down before. Usually she had a light in her eyes and a smile on her face. She was pulled down to sit between Alaska and I.

“Wanna talk about it hun?” Alaska said, patting Adore’s hand with hers.

“It’s not mine to talk about,” she said, her face wooden and pale.

“Okay. Just know we are here for you, whatever you and Vi need.” Willam said.

“Phi Phi, Jiggly, Milk and I all live here in NYC if you need anything. I..I mean if you have to stay here longer than the tour. Maybe they’ll be better by then!” Miss Fame said hopefully.

Adore’s face stayed impassive, almost catatonic.

“When was the last time you ate Adore?” I asked, wondering if she had eaten at all in the last few days.

“Last night a nurse gave me a sandwich and juice after I had a kiki with the floor. She was really nice. She knew who we were but didn’t fangirl.” Adore said, finally emoting a small smile.

“Are you okay?” about 5 of us asked at once.

“I’m fine,” she responded stoically.

We got our food before I could say anything. Adore was moving her pasta around but not eating much. I didn’t want to call her out with everyone so I leaned over and said “The slower you eat, the longer we will be here. I’m not saying you should pretend that you are at a pie eating contest but you gotta eat something Adore. Half of it?”

Adore gave me a nod and picked up her fork again, a look of determination on her face.  
We were at the diner about 45 minutes when Adore started to get restless and I knew she wanted to get back.

“Why don’t I walk with you back to the hospital? I have your bag here.”

“I have to go outside and call my Mom.” Adore said.

“Do you want me to come with you?” I asked, already knowing the answer.

“Nuh uh” She said, shaking her head and pushing her chair back, “I’ll just be outside, I’ll be back in a minute.”


	59. Oh Momma

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: My bestfriend had to talk me down and encourage me to keep writing because I wanted to give up because I felt so bad that I gave Mx Violet cancer. 1 or 2 panic attacks happened while writing several of these chapters. Thank you Sissy!

Adore’s POV

I felt like I was suffocating in the restaurant, so stepping out into the late afternoon air felt like surfacing from holding my breath underwater for too long.

I shakily took my phone out of my pocket, thankful I had some battery left.

I sat on a bench in front of the restaurant and dialed my Mom’s number.

It rang about 6 times before she picked up.

“Hey Danny boy!”

“Hi Momma.” I said, sniffling.

“What’s wrong baby? You only call me Momma when something is wrong.”

 

“I don’t know how to tell you.” I confessed.

“Whatever it is, I’m here and you can always come home.” She reassured me.

I really didn’t know how to say it so I just blurted, “Mom, Vi has leukemia.”

There was silence from the end of the phone, for a minute I thought we got disconnected.

“Oh Danny…” She murmured and I already could hear the tears in her voice. Then she filled me with words of reassurance, hope and love which displaced some of my fear, sadness and anger. 

When I hung up with her, Alaska and Katya must have been waiting at the door because in a moment, they had me sandwiched on the bench, both giving me a bear hug. Soon there were other voices and I was surrounded by a dogpile of drag queens.

Then the dam broke, all the tears I had held back since I was in Vi’s room and heard the news.

I don’t know how much time passed but eventually, I explained, fidgeting and hoping the queen’s could feel my urgency. I was getting anxious from being away from Vi when I knew that they needed me most. “Okay I need to go back now.”

“Yeah she has to go back to her boyfriend.” Sharon crowed and linked arms with me, giving me a reassuring smile.

Once I was changed and my red obviously-just-bawled-my-face-off face washed, I said goodbye to the girls and pressed the button to be escorted back to the ICU with my game face on.


	60. Bianca Calls Bullshit

Bianca's POV

The queens all clambered out of the room til it was just Vi and I. They looked worn-out.

“Bitch you look exhausted.” Damn my lack of a filter!

“Thanks bitch! This gown is Versace I’ll have you know.” They laughed a little and sucked air.

“Are you in pain?” I said.

“A bit.” They admitted, waving it off slightly and then putting her arm down with a grimace. Their brow was furrowed and they appeared to be breathing shallowly.

“Have you brought it up?” I asked, already knowing the fucking answer.

“No girl, it’s no worse than this in drag! I can take it.”

“But bitch you ain’t in drag. Maybe it will help them figure out what’s going on with your body.” I suggested, raising one eyebrow.

“They already figured that out and no I don’t want to talk about it.” Their face turning stony and determined.

I opened my mouth to respond but the sliding glass door opened and a female nurse with shit brown hair walked in.

“Nina!” Vi yelled raising up her arms for a hug. The girl smiled and trotted over, her eye’s occasionally flipping to my direction.

“Roy this is Nina, she’s awesome and a fan of the show.” She came over and shook my hand.

“How are you feeling Jason?” She said cheerfully but with a little sadness on her face.

“I’m doing okay.” 

“I call bullshit,” I argued, adding, “you know I don’t hold any punches Nina. This bitch is in pain.” I pointed my thumb at Vi.

Her face completely fell and I got the thought that she reacted with compassion regardless if the patient was famous from being on TV or not.

“What is your pain like 1 out of 10?”

Vi sighed, all resistance gone. Unshed tears in their brown eyes. “About a 12 to be honest,” Violet acquiesced, looking like they were doing everything in their power to not scream. I had to give them props. Bitch had me fooled that it wasn’t that bad.

“Oh dear! Let me call your doctor and find out what we should give you, ok? Please don't let it get so high next time. ” She said, looking concerned.

“What part of your body hurts the most?”

“Everywhere.” Vi whispered.

“That’s unfortunately common with,” she looked at me for a second, “your condition. We’ll get you more comfortable. I’ll be back as soon as I can.” She almost ran out of the room.

“What can I do to help?” I asked trying to hide my panic at how sick my friend obviously was.

“Can you put the pillow behind me under my knees?” they said, sitting up slowly.

I did as they asked, gasping at the bruises trailing up and down her spine and spidering everywhere to be hidden behind the cotton gown.

“Who beat you up Vi?” I demanded angrily after getting them more situated. “I will beat the shit outta them!” I muttered, teeth clenched and getting ready to bow up for a fight.

“No one, it’s just part of…stuff.”

“You sure? Because I can do worse than just lashing people with my words.”

“No I promise. I promise that I’m not being beaten up!” They said raising their arms up as if to say stop while clenching her jaw.

“Lay back fool.” I advised smiling, “Here, you can squeeze the shit outta my hand.”

Which they did, that cunt is strong as fuck!

Nina came in and injected pain meds into their IV.

A few minutes later, Vi looked at me blearily and smiled “This shit is good but why are there three of you?” They giggled.

“Close your eyes fool!”

“They gave me a shot of unicorns 'n glitter!” They slurred. Their eyes fluttered twice and then they fell asleep, finally looking peaceful.


	61. The Part Where Michelle Losses It

Adore POV

I got back to the room about 3 hours ago and Vi was out. I pulled B outta the room and he explained why.

I let out a breath, feeling like I was blowing away at least some of my anxiety.

B put his hand on my shoulder.

“Is Vi gonna be ok?” He said, worry clouding her eyes.

“I honestly don’t know.” I said as he enveloped me in a big hug.

About half an hour later B had to leave, so I was just sitting here reading, but not really taking in an old magazine that was in the family waiting room.

Someone had come around with dinner for Vi, asking what they would want. I just picked a sandwich because everything else would be cold when they woke up.

They were just stirring when the door slid open and Michelle poked her head in.

Vi’s eyes snapped open and seemed to take them a moment to focus, and then they smiled.

“Hi Michelle!” they said squirming around a bit in bed.

“Is your pain bad again? Do I need to get someone? Is there anything I can do? I’ll do anything.” I said all at once, standing up.

“Danny it’s fine! I’m good. I’m a little spacey, but I’m good.” they said, putting their hand on mine.

I got up to get Michelle a seat and went and got a second chair. When I came back, Vi was picking at her food. Probably at the insistence of Momma Michelle.

Michelle was not one for small talk so she got right to the point as gently as possible.

“So what are we thinking? A few weeks? a month?” She asked, all business, looking at Vi.

Violet threw the same bluntness back in her face, “Michelle, I have cancer.”

Michelle looked like she was about to faint so I sat her down in the chair. She fell completely apart and Vi gave me an I-told-you-so look.

Once Michelle calmed a bit, Vi said “I’m out Michelle. Can you find someone to fill in for me? I feel horrible for letting the fans down. Hopefully people will still be fans after I disappear for a few months.”

“Where will you go?” Michelle sobbed, starting to cry harder because she knew Vi didn’t have much family.

Before Vi could answer I said “I’m out too. They’ll be coming with me back to Azusa.”

There was a look on their face that was half pissed, half relieved “Danny, you don’t have to do that.”

“Too bad, I already made up my mind.” I said cheekily while I squeezed their hand softly.

“Michelle can you find 2 replacements?” I asked Michelle.

“I’m sure we can. How did this happen?” Michelle moaned, as if she couldn’t comprehend the loss.

“Well it just happens but it also runs in my family.” Vi said, giving Michelle a look that said, don’t ask any more questions about that.

“What kind of cancer is it?” Michelle blurted, then looked appalled that she would ask that.

“Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia, but it was caught relatively early so after around 3 to 6 months of hell, I should be fine.” Their voice cracked at the word fine and my heart hurt.  
Michelle came and gave them a hug.

“Do you want me to tell the queens? Like the ones on tour? Or anyone you want me to really.” Michelle’s voice faded off at the end.

“Not now but soon ok?” Vi attempted a little smile. “I’m not ready for that but I will definitely tell you when I am. I just wanna get a little way through treatment first. I guess I’ll be doing that in Cali, if my doctors let me.”

I beamed. Glad it wasn’t a fight.

After a bit more small talk and several yawns from Vi, Michelle hugged both of us and left.

Shortly after that, a team of doctors came in, and I asked if I could take Vi to California for their treatment.

Dr. Richardson had a colleague there who specializes in hereditary ALL so he thought it would work out!

They were gonna take another look at what worked medicine-wise and confer with the other doctor in Cali.

They set up a regular pain medication routine, and said Vi could move out of the ICU, and we could leave in a day or two for California.

I should probably talk to my Mom too! I already knew she would be ok with it.


	62. Incognito

Violet POV

I was wearing dark shades, lipstick and a floppy hat, even now on the flight, to Cali. I was pretending to be just another tourist, not someone who was going to have poison pumped into their system. The last thing I needed was someone to spot me with Danny while I was off tour dealing with “Family issues”.

Danny was sitting beside me looking absolutely ridiculous in wrap around glasses and a baseball hat. We looked like overzealous tourists. I leaned into his shoulder with his warm arm protectively wrapped around me and we watched dumb videos on youtube the whole 5 ½ hours.

When we landed, Danny’s mom, Bonnie, was there in San Diego to pick us up. She gave me a long hug only a Mom could give.

“Hi Mrs Noriega!” I greeted, I was getting tired by this time.

“Oh hun, you can call me Bonnie or Mom if you want to!” She said, hugging Danny and holding him at arm’s length for inspection.

We were all packed into the car with our huge amounts of luggage. We had to bring all of our luggage, including all of our drag. Bonnie had insisted that we both sit in the back together. Coincidentally, I now know where Danny got his baby Jesus eyes.

“You two look ridiculous!” Bonnie said, laughing looking at us from the rear view mirror.

“We were being incognito!” Danny said laughing.

I realized why Bonnie wanted Danny and I sit together. We were about 10 minutes into the over 2 hour ride. I slumped over into his lap and dozed off.  
———————————-  
“I’ll just carry them, it’s okay Mom,” I heard Danny say.

“S'ok! I’m awake!” I said blearily.

“Good morning Sunshine!” Danny said with a cheeky grin even though it was 9 o'clock at night.

“You’re such a smart ass!” I said, giggling as we went into his Mom’s house.

The house was cute but small. We went to throw our boy stuff suitcases in Danny’s room. When he opened the door, I bent over in laughter.

“Whaaaat?” He said.

“It looks like the room of a 14 year old boy! Cool mural though!” I said still laughing so hard I had to hold my ribs.

There were band posters everywhere! There was also a huge Anna Nicole poster, and a really cool rainbow mural with a tree outline and a huge open closet.

“Stop it!” Danny said, pretending to pout but laughing instead.

We went out to the living room, while Danny’s Mom tried to feed me til I was a stuffed turkey. We were halfway through the movie ‘Spy’ when I started feeling drowsy again.

“Jason, why don’t you get some sleep?” Bonnie said.

“You can sleep in my room Jason, I’ll sleep out here on the couch.” Danny said glancing toward his Mom quickly.

“Oh for heaven’s sake Danny, if you and your boyfriend wanna share your room you can, you’re a fucking adult!” She said laughing.

Danny looked at me questioningly.

I nodded, smiling. I was tired and tomorrow I had an appointment with the oncologist Dr. Richardson had set up.

I took pain meds, snuggled up next to Danny in the cool sheets and was completely out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to Mx @DoctorProfessorMarcus for all the amazing encouragement and for the fanart! I am truly touched. It made my day!


	63. Can't Sleep, Clown'll Eat Me

Adore’s point of view

I couldn’t sleep.

I was staring up at the ceiling, running my fingers through Jason’s long chestnut hair while thoughts were sprinting through my head.

They were curled up in a ball facing away from me. I slowly moved away from them but I didn’t really need to worry about it. They had taken pain meds and were out cold.

I wandered out to the kitchen. I didn’t turn the light on but groped my way tlo the fridge and grabbed the carton of milk out of the fridge.

“Danny Noriega, don’t you dare drink outta the carton.” Mom said, almost making me drop the milk.

“I wasn’t going to!” I said and smirked “Fuck ok! You caught me!” I grabbed the closest cup to me, saw it was a little cream pitcher and poured milk into it anyway

“What are you doing up?” She said, pushing the chair beside her out with her foot.

“Can’t sleep, clown’ll eat me.”

She chuckled. “You have been saying that since you saw that episode of Simpsons. Well after you didn’t sleep for several nights because of it!”

I sat down with my glass of milk and banged my head down none too lightly on the table. Mom put her hand down before I could do it again.

“Sorry, I just feel so helpless Mom!”

“Well you aren’t. Like I’ve been saying for a long time, you don’t give yourself enough credit! You brought them home, where they can have a safe place with understanding people rather than a cold hotel room at the end of a treatment day. That IS helping!” Mom said, squeezing my shoulder. “You can’t do this for them, as much as you want to, but being someone with them is just as important. It’s like allies in the LGBTQAPI+ community. You are helping support them.”

“It’s so scary though Momma, I don’t know what to do.” Crossing my arms and putting my head on them like I was a toddler in kindergarten.

Mom rubbed my back and ruffled my hair. 

“Go to bed Danny-boy. Everything seems brighter in the morning and tomorrow is a big day.”

I don’t know why but everything becomes clearer and calmer after you talk to your Mom. I curled up with Vi and went to sleep.


	64. Penis Clouds

Violet POV

“YOU’RE A WHAT?” I roared loudly to the petite oncologist Dr Bailey in front of me.

“I’m a pediatric oncologist.” She said somewhat sheepishly, a look of understanding on her face.

I wanted to go into ranting bitch mode but I also wanted to live.

Decisions, decisions.

“Dr Richardson forgot to tell me your age,” she said looking sorta miffed “BUT I am one of the best bloodborne cancer doctors in North America, so if it’s ok with you, I’m fine to proceed with your case. Additionally, if you consent I would like to REsearch your genes, Only if you consent!”

“Isn’t that against the rules? I mean the age thing, I’m over 20!” I said.

“Well the bonus about being the best is that people turn a blind eye to me breaking the rules.” She said with a wink.

I like this bitch.

“Ok, when do we start induction chemo?” I took a deep breath, there was no point in denial, my pragmatic mind thought but the rest of it was running scared.

“There is no time like the present, I’d like to get you settled into the hospital today for some tests and we start tomorrow. If you are ready for it?”

“I will NEVER be ready for it.” I said, resigned. “But, might as well not put it off.”

“Ok, I will call it in so they will be ready for you when you get there.” She said not looking up from her papers she was scratching on.

“Where is there?” Danny asked before I got a chance.

“Glendora Children’s Hospital,” she said wincing a little.

I groaned.

“I’m sorry! I only have rights at that hospital unfortunately. It’s a state of the art children’s research hospital with 2 cancer floors. We have kids and young adults that come from everywhere in California as well as surrounding states. ½ of one of the floors is young adults and that is where I’ll place you. They also have a lot of things to take up your time when you are feeling up to it during the day. The nurse that checks you in will show you I’m sure. Any questions?”

I know it was a stupid question but I couldn’t hold it back, “Will I lose my hair?” I said, nervously running my fingers through my prized hair.

“Well, some people don’t but I would say it’s a safe bet that you will. I’m sorry.” She said, looking genuinely sad.

I nodded, I couldn’t find words for a moment then shrugged. “It’s just hair!” I cursed the fact that my chin was quivering.

Dr Bailey wasn’t buying it, Danny’s face said he wasn’t buying it either. Hell, I wasn’t buying it myself.

Once we got to the car, I had a little boohoo pity party, crying into Danny’s shoulder and grabbing the back of his shirt while he whispered “Shhhh it’s gonna be ok” over and over.

I sat back in my seat and said “Ok, this isn’t gonna any easier if we sit here for 1000 years so let’s go.” I said, putting my thoughts and fears to the back of my mind for another day and putting my bitch face on.

We stepped into the hospital hand in hand, I felt as if Danny was giving me strength through his touch.

Since it had already been phoned in on our ½ hour drive here, we didn’t have to pass through the ER but took a glass elevator which looked down on the atrium filled with tree’s and play equipment to the 5th floor.  
We stepped out to see a grey brick wall with “The Halton Reid Memorial Cancer wing” on a big glass plaque. It was surrounded by smaller plaques naming donors. Many had yellow ribbons emblazoned on them as said In Memoriam. I gulped around the tennis ball sized lump in my throat.

Danny and I looked at each other and took a deep breath and walked in, still hand in hand. I put a yes-I’m-gay-don’t-fuck-with-me expression on my face and we went to the nurse’s station.

The hospital smells of bleach, hand sanitiser, vomit and desperation hung in the air, making my nose tickle.

The nurse gave us the grand tour, showing a games room that had two TVs hooked up to a bunch of different game stations and a bookcase of games separated by system and age.

A room beside it had desks and a blackboard. The nurse knew I was finished school but there would also be group, art and music therapy programs in there too. I was hoping the first one was optional. I wanted to spend as little time with cancerous kids as possible! Sorry not fucking sorry!

My room was pretty large, it was a soft buttercream icing yellow with bright abstract art paintings and the outside wall was a giant window letting in the California sunshine.

There was a bench with a plush cushion running across the wall and a love seat in the corner. Both were an institutional grey.

I noticed immediately that there were clothes laid out on the bed. Probably a dreaded blue gown but it wasn’t, it was pajama pants and a tshirt.   
I must have looked surprised because the nurse said, “yes, you ARE in a hospital but we try to avoid gowns unless they are absolutely necessary. We try to make sure there is at least a semblance of normalcy. I know it’s not much but we try. You don’t have to put them on unless you aren’t feeling well or it’s night of course, you can wear your regular clothes during the day or your own pajamas if you want. Just gauge it on how you are feeling that day. I’m going to get Matthew to come in and take some bloodwork and we’ll see where we are at. Dr Bailey usually comes around in the morning but we have contact with her in between if you need anything. We have your medication orders for pain so don’t worry about that. Any questions?”

“Do I have to take the pain meds if the pain isn’t that bad?” I don’t know why but admitting I was hurting, either physically or emotionally, was still a very hard thing for me.

“Well IF you have pain that is not that bad, we can talk about it, maybe lower the dose. It is important to us that you are comfortable. Do you have any more questions?” she said in a kind voice.

I shook my head.

“Ok Matthew will be in in a moment, nice to meet you both.” She waved and swiftly left.

Danny and I sat down on the bench. I was not looking forward to a needle while I was actually conscious.

The fear must have shown in my face because Danny put his arm around me and turned me to the window.

“See the sunshine out there, look at the clouds in the blue sky. What do they look like to you?”

We spent the next 5 minutes looking at the fast moving clouds. We saw a horse, a penis, a star and a silhouette of a face.

There was a knock on the door and it creaked open.

“Hi I’m Matt!” A cute blonde guy with a wide smile came in, looking at his paperwork and setting his basket down. We turned around and he let out a little squeal. I have a feeling he won’t be like Nina.

“Omigod! You’re Violet Chachki and Adore Delano!” He covered his mouth with his hands, his eyes filling with tears.

“I’m so sorry. It was just a bit of a shock! I shouldn’t have reacted like that. I’m so sorry!” he repeated himself. He kinda shook himself like a wet dog.

“So I have to take some blood Mr Dardo.”

I laughed and he got puppy dog eyes. “You can call me Jason. I REALLY hope that you know this HAS to be private. I’m not ready for it to be public yet! I really am not. I got pulled off the tour for family reasons. Right?”

He nodded solemnly. “Not a word!” he said being a complete nerd and crossing his heart.

“Ok I have to take blood now.”

“Matthew, I’m gonna give you the inside scoop. I HATE needles, have since I was a kid. What is your advice on dealing with that?” I admitted nervously, biting my lip.

God I can’t believe I told a complete stranger that I’m a complete pansy with needles.

“Darling, you are in good hands” He said, resting one hand on his cocked hip. oh yeah, this dude was grade A gay! “Ok this is what we are going to do, if you can lay on the bed, just in case. Danny, if I can call you that, you go on one side and hold their hand and I will go on the other side and it will be done in a less than a minute. They don’t call me the vein whisperer for no reason.”

I snorted as I laid on the bed. “Matt, has anyone told you that you are a nerd?”

“Oh all the time!” He laughed and flicked his wrist in a way only us gays can do. “Look at Danny now.”

Danny held my hand and I looked as far away from the needle as possible and into Danny’s gorgeous eyes.

“Ok done!” Matt said triumphantly.

“You really ARE the vein whisperer!” I exclaimed in wonder.

He held his hands shaped like guns and blew them out.

“Like I said. Also a nerd!”

He laughed “See ya later, gotta get these to the lab.” He said, gathering his things, “Violet Chachki and a Adore Delano” He shook his head in amazement “I’m just sorry I had to meet you this way!” he left with a wave.

This bed was really comfortable, too comfortable. I went to sit up when Danny pushed me back down.

“Bitch, don’t even try me! I can tell you’re exhausted. How about I unpack your clothes and stuff while you have a nap?” He stood up.

“No!” I yelled then cleared my throat, “I mean no thanks hunny.”

“What’s up?” He asked, cocking his head to the side and sitting on the side of the bed. I was about to say nothing but damn his beautiful eyes!!

“Because I don’t want to feel like I’m staying. If I put my stuff away, it makes this real.” I said quietly.

GOD JASON, YOU’RE AN IDIOT my brain said.

“Oh hun c'mere!” Danny said, with tears dripping down his face, he leaned into me and gave me a giant long hug. I could feel his shoulders shaking and his chest heaving with sobs.

How could I, of all people, not remember that cancer affects more than the person who has it. It actually affects the people without cancer more.


	65. Cry Baby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all are awesome and I'm so insanely in love with all of you! Thanks for the encouragement and validating my existence! Lol

Adore’s POV

I’m such a baby. I finally stopped blubbering and apologised to them which they waved off. 

They were sleeping now, still looking so tiny in the bed. I couldn’t take my eye’s off them. I started crying again. I heard a soft knock and I wiped away my tears away, feeling frustrated.

The door opened, Matt peeking his head in. I put on a fake smile, put my fingers up to my lips and headed towards him pointing to the door.

We stepped out to the hall. Matt immediately saw through my façade and tentatively put his hand on my shoulder.

“Danny, I don’t know if you are aware but I think you might find a group we have here helpful.”

I was confused. “But Vi’s the one with cancer.”

“Oh no no no! There are groups here for people who have cancer but there are groups for loved ones of people who have cancer. Do you want me to put you on the list? There is one specifically for boyfriends or girlfriends or spouses or family. I mean..if that’s what…um…I mean there is one for friends too or…” He sputtered.

I put my hand up “Relax Matt, yes Jason and I are dating. It’s all over the internet! Where ya been? I really hope you can keep them safe!”

“It’s ok, I’m good for it. It’s also part of my job. Speaking of job, I need to check in on Jason soon, you know temperature, blood pressure baseline bla bla bla. I think Dr Bailey is coming tonight to speak with you.”

Something’s wrong. All the hairs on my body stood at attention and I heard my heart beat in my ears.

“Why? What happened? Were their results bad? I can’t…”

Now it was Matt’s turn to put up his hand. “No no stop Danny, Dr Bailey is gonna work something out so they don’t have to keep having needle sticks. Also even though I am the vein whisperer, with their size, they have extremely tiny and crappy veins. I don’t think they’ll hold up with chemo to be honest.”

I felt myself turn pale.

“You ok Danny?” He said, putting a hand onto my shoulder.

“I’m fine, I’m gonna go back in now” I said holding onto the wall railing.

“Let me walk back with you.” Matt said, taking my arm. He pulled a chair by the bed for me and I sat, looking at Vi’s beautiful face. Matt patted my shoulder and left.  
I got lost in my thoughts and wondered for the umpteenth time, why Vi had to go through this kind of life.


	66. Gloomy Thoughts

Katya POV

We were back on the tour bus, minus Violet who had “family issues” and Adore who had to take a break from exhaustion. None of us were buying it but the look on Michelle’s ashen face said not to ask if you valued your life.

All of Vi and Adore’s luggage had been removed from the bus which thankfully had been cleaned from all the blood and the couch had been replaced. Hopefully it didn’t cause the tour planners too much money.  
Miss Fame and Phi Phi had gladly joined the tour.

A bunch of them were playing my exploding kittens card game but I wasn’t in the mood. I was too busy worrying.

“Ugh you blew me up Sharon! Go back to party city where you belong!” Phi Phi was yelling at Sharon and everyone was laughing.

Michelle was reading a book on the other side of the room, except I had been kinda observing her, trying to preoccupy myself from my preoccupations. 

She hadn’t turned the page in 10 minutes. Either that was the smallest print book ever or she was preoccupied too.

I sat beside her on the couch and put my hand on her knee, making her jump. “Sorry! Are you ok Michelle?”

“Sure baby, I’m fine! Just reading. It’s a good book.” She said not lifting her eyes from her book but patting my knee.

“I smell something funny” I said sniffing.

She sniffed too. “Nope I don’t smell anything.”

“I was sure I smelled bullshit and it was coming from you! That’s funny!” I quipped, acting perplexed.

“Oh you are so, so funny!” She exclaimed, smiling a little and whacking me with her book. She sighed, “I’m fine.”

“No you’re not. I know you can’t tell me why and that’s ok but I’m here for you if you need anything ok?”

“Thank you hunny. I’ll be glad when we have a break in 6 weeks. I think I’ll be fine if I can get a good night's sleep.” She raked her hand across her face.

“Michelle, this is silly. We are all adults. You don’t need to babysit us. When we go by a major city just fly hun. We’re ok, honestly.” I pleaded, hoping she would listen.

“Brian,” oh shit, she’s using my boy name, “It’s fine. I should be here, just in case.”

“Michelle, look at me. None of us are ill and I promise we will go to the hospital if we come down with what Violet had.”

She screwed up her face like she was in pain.

“Violet doesn’t have something contagious, do they?” I said seriously.

She just shook her head and went back to pretending to read.

“I’m here if you need anything ok?” I said before giving her space and moving back my previous chair.

“Mmhmmm” she nodded.

I did not believe her of course but I couldn’t do anything about it. I looked out the window at the gloomy night passing by us while the gloomy thoughts passed through my mind.

“Katya? Are you ok?” Alaska asked, I turned from the window. I was surprised to see that the living room was queen free and Michelle was making the couch up to sleep on.

“I’m fine, just worrying, as usual.” I said, trying to shake the thoughts from my head.

“Haven’t I told you to stop that already?’ She said half-serious half-joking, smacking me over the head.  
“Go to bed darling, you look exhausted.” She gave me a very bony hug.

I nodded, climbing up into my bunk and letting the motion of the bus and the tears on my pillow to send me into sleep.


	67. Sleeping Beauty

Adore’s POV

“I’ll see you when you wake up Vi. It’s gonna go great! I’ll be right out here waiting for you!” I said in a wobbly voice, giving Vi the second kiss of our entire relationship.

“I’ll see you when I wake up.” They said, grabbing my hand and giving it a squeeze. “Take it away Matt!” They joked.

Matt rolled them on a bed past 2 big doors marked OR medical personnel only.

Keep it together Danny. Keep it together.

I sat down on the bench and put my face in my hands. I couldn’t cry. I wanted to, I just couldn’t.

Someone sat down and put their hand on my shoulder and I looked up into the caring face of Matt.

“Oh Matt. Are they gonna be ok?”

“Danny, I can’t promise anything of course but we do this procedure at least 1000 times a month. It is guided with an on-going Xray called fluroscopy, they will put a tiny incision below their collar bone and thread a small tube down the vein and place it near the vein to the heart. Now that means if they get say pain meds they will go in near the heart and when the heart beats it will disperse the medication quickly. It also means they won’t need any needles. How long have you been together? I’m not asking for the T, just wondering, you don’t have to tell me!”

“Relax man, relax. Vi and I have been best friends for as long as they have been a RuGurl and we’ve been dating for a week now. It all happened before they went to the hospital for fever and before the hospital for the nosebleed and shock. It’s been a busy week.” I sighed.

“Indeed it has been!” He said. “Well I wish I didn’t meet you guys this way. The good thing is that if fans ARE being nosey, they will never look for them in a children’s hospital.” He said with a chuckle.

“I wish that we didn’t even have to think about that.”

“Try not to worry, hun!” He said.

“Matthew Evenstein, Post op. Matthew Evenstein post op,” a crackly female voice came over the loudspeaker.

“That’s probably them now.” He said standing up.

“How long have we been chatting? I’m sorry if I interrupted your work!”  
Shit shit shit hopefully he doesn’t get in trouble.

“You were my work.” he said, getting up.

“Huh?” I said totally confused.

“Violet..er..Jason asked me to look after you. I’ll come get you as soon as I can” He said, swiping his card and disappearing behind the doors.

He came out in about 45 minutes.  
“Sorry it took so long! They were not wanting to come out of the anesthetic so it took a bit longer. They’ll still be in recovery for a bit. It’s common for a person who’s undergone anesthetic to sleep a lot afterwards. Good thing it’s night. Are you going to go home to get some rest?”

“I’m not leaving them.” I said, clenching my jaw.

“You don’t have to, it’s the wonders of a children’s hospital!” he laughed “The loveseat in your room folds out to a bed and the linens are in the top of the cupboard in the bathroom. Ask one of the nurses upstairs where the kitchenette and parent’s shower room is. The cafeteria is on this floor, just follow the signs.”

I was about to interrupt him, to say I wanted to see them NOW.

“Danny, you can’t look after them if you don’t look after yourself. If you end up in the hospital from not taking care of yourself, it won’t be here and you won’t be able to be with them. Jason will be in their room in about an hour. Go take care of yourself!”

I reluctantly turned around. He did have a point.


	68. Audrey Hepburn's Bored Twin

Violet POV

I was sitting up in bed, waiting for Danny to get back from looking after himself, which I was happy about. I felt selfish enough as it is. I yawned widely.

There was a soft knock at the door. But they didn’t come in.

“Come in!”

A girl in a bright green wheelchair rolled into the room. She looked about 12, long red hair (probably a wig) and she looked EXACTLY like Audrey Hepburn. She had oxygen tubing in her nose.

Oh no a fangirl! Not that I don’t appreciate fans, I totally do! Just not when I'm in a hospital gown recovering from surgery!

“Hi I’m Lucy. I’m 18.” Her voice was melodious with a hint of a Southern accent. She rolled up and shook my hand. “I’m next door and I’m bored as fuck! Oh sorry, are you ok with swearing!?”

I liked this bitch. I laughed and nodded.

“So how long are you doing time for?” she said, like the hospital was a prison, which I agreed with.

I smiled “4-6 weeks, hard labor! Where are you from?”

She giggled. “Oh I came here from Utah. This is one of the best hospitals on this end of the country! um…can I ask you a question or questions?”

I was expecting a question about my cancer. The thought ‘my cancer’ echoed through my mind and sent a shiver down my spine. Dammit!

“Are you a boy or a girl or genderfluid? How old are you? What do you like to do for fun? What do you want to do for a living?” She said almost all at once.

“I am genderfluid but don’t care about pronouns. I’m actually 23 but my Dr is here. I like to travel, do aerial and perform. I want to be an entertainer. Oh and my name is Jason.”

“Nice to meet you, sorry for just coming in but yeah…again I’m bored as fuck!”

“I understand, I spent a LOT of time in the hospital when I was a kid!”

“Ahhhhh! Are you a repeat customer?” She asked making a funny face.

“Nah my sister had cancer before it was cool.” I blurted out.

GOOD JOB JASON, YOU IDIOT!

Then she started laughing, the sound was like tinkling glass, beautiful and fragile. She was breathless by the end and I literally mean breathless. Her lips were turning blue.

“Lucy you are turning blue and it’s not a good look. Take some deep breaths. Do you want me to call the nurse?”

I must have had a look of panic on my face because she gave me a calm down motion with her hands. She reached around to her tank and turned a knob, slowly she turned a bit less blue.

“Lucy, I think you just scared the shit out of me!”

She laughed “Don’t blame me! Blame the Rhabdo!”

“Rab-what?” I said confused.

“Oh sorry, sometimes I forget people don’t know what that is! It’s long name is Rhabdomyosarcoma, isn’t that lovely? Just rolls off the tongue!” She joked, “it likes to live in muscle tissue and sometimes bone. It started in my spine. Then a big one in my calf,” she lifted her jean leg and knocked on a prosthetic leg, “normally they don’t have to amputate but my body likes to do everything with enthusiasm.” She said sarcastically, taking a few deep breaths, “and now it decided to take up residency in the wall of my right lung. Fun eh? It’s nothing like 'the fault in our stars’ though. Did you see how many stairs that bitch climbed?! Totes unrealistic!”

“I haven’t seen it.” It’s kinda been a busy year I thought to myself, you know competition, winning, America’s next drag superstar shit.

“Ohmigod! Well you can borrow it anytime! They won’t put a copy in the activity room for well obvious reasons, oh wait you haven’t watched it. If you watch it, you’ll know why!!”

I realized that she hadn’t asked me one question about my cancer. “Hey Lucy?”

“mmhmm” She nodded earnestly.

“Why didn’t you ask me about my cancer?”

“Well I was hoping you would be my friend and friends don’t pry.” She looked at me sheepishly with bright green eyes, I’m betting red is her natural hair colour.

“Yeah we are friends! of course!” I said, liking the girl more and more.  
“I have A.L.L.” I said quietly while I felt my chest gingerly.

“New central line? You should ring the nurse for pain meds.” she said seriously.

“It’s not too bad! It’s ok!” I assured her.

She wheeled up to my bed and gave me a pat on my hand like a wise grandmother would. “Jason, you are gonna be going through some hell, sorry I refuse to sugar coat it and you are are going to NEED to get used to telling people if you are in pain or if you are nauseous. That’s just how it is.” She put her hand on her hip “I have a feeling YOU are the type who likes to hide how they’re feeling. Amiright?”

“MAaayybbe” I said, pressing the nurse button. She gave me a shining smile.

“Good…person!” She said laughing and waving as she headed to the door.

Matt came in and went to get me meds then Danny came in. I smiled at him brightly. 

How can you miss someone so much when they have only been gone 2 at most and you were asleep for most of it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so Lucy is an original character and she is basically me. Well same sense of humour and sass! Same opinion of TFiOS although I still love it. There are obviously differences, I don't have cancer and my wheelchair is pink, not green. Oh and I look more like a Helena Bonham Carter than an Audrey!
> 
> When I get a new O² tank, I name it after a queen and give it a name tag. The one I have right now is named Talula Maraschino!


	69. Hot Soup and Secrets

Adore’s POV

I feel like I’d been away from Vi for years. I was rushing towards their room when a petite girl with long red hair came careening around the corner in a lime green wheelchair from their room into room next door. She looked remarkably like a young Audrey Hepburn!

I came into the room and Vi was sitting up in bed, smiling at me like an idiot which made ME smile like an idiot.

“What’s up?” I asked, putting down my bags of snacks I had bought and sitting facing them at the end of the bed. I tried to be as gentle as possible when I got on the bed but they were holding on to the rail of bed, their skinny knuckles turning white. They were blinking rapidly.

“Did you call for pain meds?” I asked. Trying to get off the bed again without jostling it.

“No stay” they said and grabbed my hand “I did.”

“Good, I’m proud of you! Was there a girl in here earlier? Looked like a young Audrey Hepburn with red hair?” I asked, wondering if I just imagined it or maybe they were coming from elsewhere?

“Oh yeah! That’s my new BFF Lucy, well my girl BFF, well my actual girl BFF!” they said laughing.

But they were still holding onto the rail and my hand for dear life.

“I’m gonna go check on your pain meds hun.” Before I could let go of their hand, there was a knock on the door followed by it creaking open.

“Hi I’m Sarah, I’ll be your nurse tonight. How are you feeling Mr Dardo?”

Vi waved their hand away at her and croaked “Call me Jason.”

“Ok rate your pain from 1 to 10 for me Jason?”

“9” They said, gritting their teeth.

“Ok hun this will help. Just lean back and try to let your shoulders relax. Your body automatically tenses up when you have a central line placed. We are going to give it a test ride now. I know you aren’t a fan of needles so I’m going to pull some syringes out of my pocket but they don’t have needles attached.”

She pulled out a syringe in a noisy plastic bag and held it out for Jason to see.

“I’m not that afraid of needles! I’m not a baby!” they barked kinda harshly.

“I know you aren’t love, trypanophobia or fear of needles is a real condition. It is NOT a sign of weakness, you hear me?”

They nodded.

“Ok this will take effect really fast, please don’t let your pain get so high next time ok? ok! I’m gonna inject saline or salt water then pain meds then another saline.”

By the time they had finished with the second saline, Vi’s forehead had unfurrowed some and they sighed.

“Good. I’ll be back in a bit to check your vitals. What is your name sir?”  
It took me a minute to figure out that she was talking to me.

“Oh sorry!! I’m Danny,” shaking my head.

“Are you Jason’s brother?” She said smiling.

We both cracked up and she joined us, looking confused.

Jason managed to squeak out “Boyfriend” pointing at me. I waited for the disdain to appear on her face but there was only a look of understanding.

“AAAAhhhh ok makes sense!” She said, turning around. “I’ll be in in about 30 minutes to check on you Hun, press the call button if you need anything.”

We both looked looked at each other and started laughing again.

“Ok YOU need to eat something!” I said, pointing to them.

“But…”

“I know, you’re not hungry! Too bad. I bought soup or granola bars or fruit snacks or applesauce” I said, searching through the bag for other things.

“What are you 5? Did you buy everything in the cafeteria?!” they said in wonder.

“Mmmmmaybe.” I smiled shyly.

“Oh alright but how are you going to heat up soup.”

“I have my ways” I said mysteriously, grabbing a microwavable cup of chicken noodle soup and heading to the kitchenette.

When I got back to the room with a spoon and about a billion napkins under a steaming bowl of soup, Lucy was there.

“Here ya go babe, I suck at microwaving shit…I mean stuff,” glancing quickly at the Audrey look-a-like, “so it’s too hot!!”

“Don’t worry hunny,” Lucy laughed “I swear like a fucking sailor!” She smiled and batted her eyes innocently.

I smirked. “Hi I’m Danny! I’m Jason’s…”

“Boyfriend.” She leaned over to Vi. “Good catch! He’s cute,” she said in an overly loud whisper. Her and Vi laughed and it was nice to see them laugh.

“I’m Lucy, I’m 18 and I’m gonna ask a million questions like I asked Jason here.” Her voice had a faint country accent to it that was charming.

“Shoot!” I said smiling, I pulled the rolling table up to Vi and put the soup down, I fished a spoon and 2 packets of crackers out of my hoodie pocket and put them on the table.

“Are you a boy or a girl or genderfluid? It’s not like someone looks a certain gender so I always ask even if someone looks a certain gender. Know what I mean? How old are you? What do you like to do for fun? What do you want to do for a living?”

I looked at Vi before I answered, they shook their head at my silent question of whether they told her about our profession.

“Well, I’m a boy, thank you for asking, that is great. I’m 25. I love to travel and listen to music. I’d like to be an entertainer…a singer.”

“Well I ask because I have a….um…friend...that is trans.” She said looking at the floor for a minute.  
It sounded like there was a story there but I didn’t ask.

“Eat!” I said to Vi. Lucy saluted me like I was a superior rank in the military.

Vi laughed and picked up their spoon. I wanted to distract them because I know eating wasn’t their favorite thing. I don’t think they didn’t eat on purpose but I think they forget when they get busy and they are picky as fuck!

“So Lucy, where are you from? Your accent is adorable, well YOU are adorable too!”

She was, aside from a face like Audrey, she had long red hair almost down to her waist. She was wearing a pair of distressed jeans and a Beatles T Shirt, a Hello Kitty hoody finishing the ensemble. She had oxygen tubes in her nose but the tubing was a bright see-through pink.  
“Well thank you very much! I’m from Utah!” She said brightly, playing with her hair.

“Oh cool! You’ve travelled pretty far to be here then!”

“Well it IS the best hospital around.” she said matter-of-factly.

“So I hear! I’m glad your parents brought you here then! Did they go back to where they are staying for the night?”

“Um mmhmm.” She said looking around awkwardly.

Oh shit! I was going to ask what’s up but remembered I had just met her.  
“Well I’m glad you are here visiting us!” I said brightly.

She smiled. “So I asked Jason earlier if they had seen ‘the Fault in Our Stars’ yet and they said no, have you?”

“Yeah I did! It was ok.”

“I thought it was wholly unrealistic at some parts but I think the writer meant well.” She said stroking an imaginary beard and nodding thoughtfully.

All three of us started laughing, Vi almost did spit take with the last of their soup, which of course, made us laugh more.

It felt so good.


	70. Campfire on My Chest

Violet’s POV

I was sitting up cross-legged with my bed all the way upright. I was reading a book that I had picked from the mobile library that had came around earlier. It was a kid’s hospital so I had snatched up the first Harry Potter book.

Danny was starfished across the small pull out bed, still snoring softly.

Today was D-Day. Day one of induction chemo. It was a blast of strong chemo for the first 4-6 weeks, hoping to obliterate the cancer cells before any other option was taken like Radiation or Bone marrow transplant or both.

I was knowing what to expect to be honest. I had seen Cassie react to chemo but I decided I was stronger because I was older. It could be false confidence but it was giving me a small sliver of hope. Maybe I was just lying to myself.

“G'morning sunshine!” Danny said sleepily from the corner, immediately jumping up and folding up the bed.  
“How ya feeling?” He said, cocking his head to one side.

“I’m nervous but ready to kick some ass.” I said valiantly.

“Good! I will be right here with you! When are they going to start?”

“I think the nurse said 10am and it’s 8:30am now.” Danny came over and linked pinkies with me, swaying them back and forth.

“Can I do anything to help right now?” He said flashing his Bambie eyes with abnormally long fluttering lashes my way. Those eyes make me go weak at the knees.

“Coffee?” I asked hopefully.

“Sure, I’ll just get dressed!” He disappeared into the bathroom and came out almost instantly in jeans and one of my merch shirts.

“Hey! Did you steal that? You owe me 40$!” I said in mock outrage! “Or a kiss!” I added cornily. (AN: yeah I had to look up to see if that was a word)

He came over and grabbed my face in his gentle hands and kissed my forehead. “Not exactly what I had in mind!” I jokes.

“Patience grasshopper. There is a Starbucks in the lobby, what would you like my queen?” He joked.

“Oooh Starbucks! magic words! I’ll have a mocha frap made with 2% milk please!” My mouth started to water.

Danny pulled my breakfast tray over to me and said “EAT!” and left the room.

There was a dry ass blueberry muffin, a bowl of disgusting red river cereal, (actual cereal NEVER TRY IT! I’m scarred for life because they used to serve it on the pediatric floor growing up) a brown sugar packet, butter, a small container of 2% milk, orange juice and a boiled egg.

I picked up the spoon and whacked it against the egg, peeling off the broken shell. I unwrapped the muffin, ignoring the butter on the tray, then took a straw and jabbed it through the foil top of the orange juice.

By the time I had finished the egg, juice and half of the muffin, I was full.

Danny came in the room, dropping a small drink in front of me. He had a large drip coffee with caramel sauce. He was as predictable as he was dependable.

“I didn’t know what size you wanted so I got a small or whatever the fuck it's called but I can always get you a second one.”

“Thank you hun.” I said as he crossed his legs so he was facing me on the bed.

“Do you want anything?” I did a Vanna White impersonation as I waved my hands around my tray.  
He picked up the red river cereal bowl and saw my expression of disgust “You’re so picky! It can’t be that bad!” He picked up the bowl and added the milk and sugar. I watched his face amusedly as he shoveled a huge bite into his mouth, he chewed twice and spit it back out. “I will never doubt you again!” he sputtered, raising his arms in surrender.

I went from a smirk, to a chuckle to a laugh at the look of revulsion on his face, which only made me laugh harder.

“I told you! I TOLD YOU!!” I said with glee as he was swishing around his coffee in his mouth and still looking at me in horror.

“Why the fuck would they feed this to defenseless children?” He asked repugnantly.

“I think it’s supposed to be good for you.” I said sarcastically.

“Good for you? It’s like crunchy diarrhea!”

At this I totally lost it laughing, hoping that by now everyone was up. Well they would be now. After we stopped laughing, Danny looked at me seriously.

“Vi, did you even call your parents to tell them what is happening?” He asked and I felt my expression turn instantly cold.

“No, no I didn’t. There hasn’t been time.” I was hoping they would take my flimsy excuse and change the subject.

A look clouded over his eyes, “ok, it just…” he stopped, waving it off.

“What is it?” I asked, my voice a bit harsher than I had intended. Yeah I didn’t want to talk about it, but I also didn’t want to hurt him.

“No it’s ok! nevermind!” He said waving it off again and smiling fakely, moving the table away and giving the cereal an exaggerated grimace.

“Say what you were going to say Danny,” I said softly “please?”

He sighed and sat on the side of the bed grabbing my hand softly.

“I’m not saying this because I don’t want to be with you so don’t even think it! I was just going to say that it sucks. This whole thing sucks, your parents, what happened to your sister, the cancer. I will share my Mom with you?” he said passionately, wiping one escaped tear away from his face.

I squeezed his hand and whispered, “deal.”

He smiled a big relieved smile and then looked down at the upside down cover of my book. “What are you reading?” He lifted one eyebrow comically.

“It’s Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone! It was the best of a bad bunch!” I said blushing.

“Are you kidding!! I love Harry Potter! I’ve never read the books though!”

I opened my mouth to respond when there was a knock on the door, then Dr Bailey’s face poked into the room.

Why do they even bother knocking? I pondered, not for the first time.

Matt followed, wearing gloves and carrying a crinkly bag with a Yellow warning label on it.

“Hey Jason, hey Danny!” He said cheerfully.

“Hey!” we both replied at once.

“How are you doing Jason? You ready?” Dr Bailey asked.

“As I will ever be!” I said, giving a small smile.

Dr Bailey went over info about side effects of chemo and a bunch of other things I only somewhat listened to, nodding periodically. Danny was looking at her and listening to every word like she was a storyteller of fantastic tales.  
I was brought out of my thoughts by Matt ripping open the bag and pulling out two little bags, One clear and one a startling red.

“So the red one is Doxorubicin also dubbed the Red Devil, don’t be alarmed if you pee red! The clear one is Vincristine. Matt will also give you an injection of a steroid called dexamethasone through your line before they are started. Do you have any questions?”

“Nope.”

“If you think of anything, I will be popping in a few times this morning and Matt or one of the other nurses can answer most of them too. Matt is going to stay in with you for the next half hour or so to make sure you don’t have a bad reaction.”

She shuffled out the door turning back to offer a smile of reassurance.

“So I have a few syringes for your hickman central line.” He slid the chemo bags onto the IV pole. He pulled out 3 syringes from his big scrub pockets.

“Ok saline, steroids, saline ok?”  
I nodded, holding out my new line.

He fiddled with my line for a minute, it was still a bit sensitive but as soon as I jumped, he slowed down. After that was in, he stuck the empty ones into the red bins, then he pulled 2 packages of tubes from his other scrub pocket and attached them onto the chemo bags and let them drip down until there was no air in the tubing but no amount of meds had been spilled as he had locked them. He twisted them on my line and held his hands on the lock dials.

“Are you ready?” he said, giving me a encouraging smile.

“Yep” I nodded. Why do people keep asking me that? Like I had a choice.

He twisted the locks so the chemo was going into my system. It burned at first, feeling like someone lit a fire on my chest. Matt took his gloves and the covering of the bags and threw them in the biowaste bin.

I wanted to do anything but concentrate on the chemicals being pumped around my system. Danny was still holding onto my hand but had gone uncharacteristically quiet.

“Matt, do you have any questions about drag race or us or anything! Tell us about you?!”

“Well,” Matt started, a glint of understanding in his eyes. “I’m 23, I live with my boyfriend Nathaniel on the outskirts of town. He’s a video game maker, which is kinda cool. We have a border collie named Jax. Nat is 27.”

“Matt and Nat?” I said, chuckling.

“Yeah” he laughed “I keep telling him he has to change his name or one of us have to use our full name but no dice with either of us, so we’ll be Matt n Nat! When did you two meet?”

“I actually met them in Atlanta before they were on drag race! I was doing a show there and they were doing the silks and I was in awe! I was so excited when I saw they were going to be on the show! I knew they were gonna win! I mean come on!?” Danny gushed.

“Awwww” Matt squealed, totally out-gaying himself. “I would have never put you two together, you know, in my imagination” he blurted, turning red.

“Oh yeah?” Adore said with a devilish grin “Enlighten us bitches!”

“No no no sorry, that was rude!” he said flailing his hands around.

I joined in with Adore at looking at him with an evil grin.

“Oh ok fine!” he said in mock defeat, “you and Alaska would be cool Adore and since Miss Fame is taken,” he waggled his brows, “ok it’s kinda weird but you and Courtney Act!”

I laughed, “and you thought Adore and I were weird?! Courtney is fierce but no!”

Matt sighed and I gave him a quizzical look.

“I’m sorry love, I have to do some job-ey stuff now. Can we pause the kiki??”

I gave him a sarcastic thumbs up and an eyeroll. “Go for it!”

“So groups,” I groaned. “I know, I know!” He put his hands up for a minute. “Hear me out ok? So Jason, I know you don’t think that you need it but I would REALLY like for you to TRY 2 groups. Just try Young Adult Warriors, yeah I know it’s cheesy and I definitely did NOT come up with the name! It’s for aged 16-25, yes it’s for young adults and people outside our typical age. We don’t treat them all here but it’s the ONLY group of it’s kind in an hour and a half radius. It meets Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings before your chemo. The other group is a choice for you, one is for siblings of children with cancer or a grief and loss group. Both are Tuesday mornings. You don’t need to decide right now and of course, you don’t have to go if you aren’t feeling well enough. It’s just something to try.”

“I'll think about the first but the second one is a hard pass, understand?” He nodded.

He took a deep breath, “Danny, there is a partners/parents of cancer patients group on Thursdays and Saturdays.”

He took a breath and passed over a paper. “Here is a calendar of other activities. Art projects, music, movie nights for the young adults.   
We have a private outing to Citrus College (Authors note: real place, fake event) soon where a few of the different degree classes will be doing activities, lemme see if I can remember them, Child Development and Physical Education will be doing games. Cosmetology, digital design and photography are teaming up to do modeling shots with various backgrounds. Music and fine art degrees are going to be doing music and art projects. The drafting and engineering programs will be doing a lego design competition. I think that is it for that! There will be busses going in a loop from here to there in 20 minute rotation and of course lots of friendly staff from here going too. A lot of us are coming on our days off. It’s just such a cool opportunity!” He finished, looking like a child on Christmas day. He stood up and started checking the bags and grabbed the blood pressure cuff and pulse oximeter, nodding in satisfaction.

“I’m gonna go for 10ish minutes and be right back. Holler if you need me, or press the button if you want to have less fun!” he said winking.


	71. Guilty Consciences and Hot Cocoa

TW mention of physical abuse (no details), mention of substance abuse, anger

Pearl's POV 

Phi Phi opened the hotel room door and let me whoosh by. I threw my carry on bag across the room in frustration and dove onto a bed, grabbing a few pillows and screaming into them. When I was all screamed out, I put the pillows back, turning around to see Phi Phi standing there, looking confused and a little taken aback

“Wanna talk about it?”

“No… Yes. I don’t know! I don’t know anything anymore!” I yelled hitting the mattress. She jumped back a little bit, and I clued in about her previous abuse with her Dad.

“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry Phi Phi!” I sat on the end of the bed, looking down at my feet.

She came and sat beside me.

“What is it Pearl?” She sounded concerned.

“I just keep having this feeling that if I hadn’t been out of it the first night Vi was so sick but didn’t go to the hospital, I would have made them go, and they wouldn’t have to be recovering for such a long period of time. I have known they were feeling like shit for a while and I did absolutely nothing about it! Nothing! I was just worrying about me, me, me, and how to get my next buzz.” I said in a rush. I didn’t want to say what I had been thinking at all but it came out like hot, fast word vomit.

“Does Violet have an eating disorder? Is that why they are sick?” Phi Phi blurted, then covered her mouth like she couldn’t believe she had said that outloud.

“Well normally girl can throw down in the kitchen, even for how tiny they are, but lately has had no appetite? It’s odd but everyone has times like that I guess.” I shrugged. I really didn’t want rumours to start about my sister. 

“Maybe she really has gone to deal with exactly what Michelle said? I hope everything is okay, but if there was a death in the family, wouldn’t you think Michelle would just tell us that? If it was a death, I hope they are okay. I’m really glad Adore went with them though. They are such a cute fucking couple!” Phi Phi mused out loud.

“They are,” I admitted smiling

“Thanks Phi Phi! Sorry if I scared you!”

“It’s okay babe! I wasn’t scared! I’m not scared of you love. I was just startled. Don’t worry. Are you feeling any better?” She said, linking arms with me sitting on the edge of the bed.

“A little. Thanks for listening! I’m starving! Do you want to get something to eat?”

“My inner fat kid is saying I need chocolate to go with whatever we eat, cake, brownie, bar, hot!” Phi Phi said, grinning from ear to ear.

“Hot?” I asked, confused.

“Hot chocolate goof!” She elbowed me in the ribs.

“Ow bitch!”

We sat there for about 5 or 10 minutes jabbing each other in the ribs and laughing until we were both holding our sides as our stomach muscles felt like they were burning.


	72. Blue

Violet’s POV

“Ok hunny, you are all done!” Matt said, unhooking me from the chemo. “How ya feeling?”

“I actually feel fine! Other than a bit tired.” I said stretching and then holding my chest, wincing.

“Pain meds coming right up!”

“No it’s ok! It’s not that bad!” I didn’t want anyone to think I was weak.

Danny grabbed my hands, “Vi look at me.” I turned my body but couldn’t look him in the eye. “Look at me silly!” He lifted my chin to look in his gorgeous eyes “Between 1 and 10? Honestly.”

“Oh ok, a 7” I felt defeated, why couldn’t I lie to him? It’s not like it would be a big lie. It would actually be a good thing, it sucks seeing people you care about in pain.

“I admire your skills Danny! If I have another stubborn patient, I know who to call!” Matt said with a twinkle in his eyes, “be right back! hey Lucy!”

“Ugh why can’t I lie to you?” I laughed.

“Because he’s frikken adorable, d'uh!” Lucy said in a muffled voice, wheeling into the room. She was in her PJs still, looking a little pale. She had a bright neon pink bob on today.

“True!” I said nodding and flashing Danny a smile.

“You are in a lot of pain, aren’t you Jason?” Her face turning serious.

“I’m in a bit of pain yes, but it’s gonna be taken care of. Don’t worry!” I said giving her a smile. I had only known her for about 24 hours but she had already grown on me. But I knew a secret when I saw one. Lucy was hiding something.

“Hey darlings, I’m back!! Here ya go dollface!” Matt announced, hooking a syringe into my line and pushing the meds in followed by saline. “I gotta run back out but do you need anything?”

I shook my head and he booted out of the room at warp speed.

“Why is he in such a hurry?” Danny pondered out loud.

“Rosalina.” Lucy said softly.

“Who?” We asked together.

Lucy cleared her throat, “Rosalina, she is a 14 year old patient here who is dying.” Lucy said matter-of-factly.

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry!” Danny said, his hands coming up to his mouth.

“Don’t be sorry. She fought hard as fuck for 6 years and now it’s time for her to rest.” She smiled regretfully.

I didn’t know that I was crying til Danny was wiping my cheeks with the hem of his shirt.

Lucy wheeled up and grabbed my hand. “It’s ok! It’s ok!” She patted my hand.

“NO IT’S NOT! FUCK CANCER!” I yelled and completely dissolved into loud messy tears.

Danny wrapped his arms around me while Lucy held my hand. My head on Danny’s shoulder.

“Shhh Vi, it’s ok! it’s ok!” Danny was running his fingers through my hair and rubbing my back.

By the time I was all cried out, I had the hiccups so bad I was holding my chest. The movement was killer on my new line.

“I’ll grab some water!” Danny said, rushing out of the room and returning with 3 styrofoam cups of ice water, handing one out to me and then Lucy. He gave Lucy a concerned look and I turned and saw Lucy with a puzzled look on her face.

“What’s wrong?” I was feeling alarmed, maybe something was wrong.

“Who the fuck is Vi?”

Danny and I started laughing.

“Whaaat?” She said, looking amused.

I liked just being Jason to her though. Danny seemed to sense that. “Oh it’s just a nickname! I don’t know when I even started calling you that! They just remind me of my friend Vivian so I said it once and it stuck!”

I let out a little relieved sigh. I leaned back on my bed and looked over at Lucy. She had her pant leg up and was leaning over to fiddle with her prosthetic.

“Y'ok Lucy?” I asked putting my hand on her shoulder.

“M'fine” She said, putting her pant leg down and sitting up, scratching her head.

“Oh my God!” Danny and I both yelled.

Danny took off and I stood up to kneel by her. She was completely blue, not just her lips but all around them and her fingers up to her palms.

“What?” She said, dazed.

“Lucy you’re..” but I didn’t get out the rest when her tiny frame slumped into my arms.

“HELP!! HELP!!” I heard a thousand feet running in our direction.

Danny got back first, followed by Matt and a bunch of other nurses rolling in a gurney and oxygen tank.   
Matt took Lucy away from me and Danny snatched me up out of the way.

Matt laid her down and grabbed an oxygen mask from one of the nurses.

“Let’s go!” They all exited the room leaving Danny and I shaking together on the bed. Her empty wheelchair sitting in the corner, reminding us she wasn't there and that had really happened.


	73. My Danny-Boy

CW meds by name

Bonnie’s POV (Adore’s Mom)

Danny hadn’t answered his phone and I was at the hospital so I went into the bustling tree filled lobby, hoping there was an information desk somewhere. Thankfully, I located one by the elevator.

“Hi I’m looking where to find a patient named Jason Dardo?”

“Sure hunny,” an elderly lady said leafing through a massive book. “Is that D.A.R.D.O.?”

“Yes it is.”

“Ok he is in the Halton Reid memorial wing, what you want to do is go up this elevator to the 5th floor, when the doors open, you will be facing the wing. there is an door on both sides of the wall into the wing. Go in either to the end of the hall and you will find the nursing hub where you can ask directions to his room. Got that dear? Would you like me to write it down?”

“No, no that’s ok!! Thank you so much!”

“I hope he feels better soon!” She said with a wistful smile.

“Me too!”

When I got up to the nurses desk a young man with blonde hair approached me first.

Before I could even open my mouth he said, “hey Mrs Noriega! Nice to meet you! I’m Matt. Danny and Jason are the second to the end on the right, room 231.” He said coming around the large curved desk to shake my hand.

“How did you know who I am?” I asked bewildered.

“I watch the show!” He whispered, “so far I am the only one who knows what they do for a living or how famous they are. Don’t worry we are going to keep it that way!” He said “Go on now Mrs Noriega!”

“Please call me Bonnie, thanks Matt!”

When I got to the room, Danny was laying on the little sofa, asleep. I had to cover my mouth to keep in a gasp when I looked at Vi (it seemed foreign to call them Jason) in their hospital bed. The blanket was up to their chin, exposing some kind of medical tubing. The bed was swallowing up their slight frame. They had a troubled expression on their face.

My Danny was slouched on the loveseat, his arm was hanging off it and his phone was about 2 feet away on the floor. Aw bless my sweet boy, no wonder he didn’t answer my text!

I didn’t want to wake them so I sat on the long bench and just watched over them. Vi looked a little flushed and was trying to kick off their blankets. I went over and pulled the blankets down. I hoped they didn’t have a fever but I didn’t know how long they had been sleeping so I didn’t want to put my hand on their forehead to check it.

I went out to the desk and flagged Matt over.

“Vi might have a temperature but they are sleeping and I don’t know how long they have been asleep so I don’t want to wake them when they need rest. Their face is flushed and they just kicked off their blankets.”

“I got just the thing!” Matt said “I’ll be right there!”

I went back in the room and the kids were still sleeping. Matt came in pulled out a thermometer but instead of putting it in their ear, they put it over their forehead, not touching their forehead at all. It let out a soft beep and I cringed, hoping it wouldn’t wake them.

Matt read it and walked over to me. “Good call Bonnie! It’s not super bad but I’m gonna get something to lower it, just in case and get their other meds while I’m at it. Be right back!”

Danny had rolled over on the sofa so his neck was all folded over. I grabbed a pillow from the other end of the loveseat and managed to lift him up a little bit and stuff the pillow under his head. Thankfully he slept like a rock so he didn’t move. He was so stinking cute, if I do say so myself.

Matt came bustling back in, pulling 4 syringes from his scrub pockets uncapping them and pushing them through the tubing that disappeared under Vi’s shirt collar.  
“That should help a bit. I’ll be back in a bit to check in. Thanks for telling me! We would have picked it up when we did vitals but the sooner the better. Do NOT worry though, it doesn’t necessarily mean infection, sometimes it is a symptom of their ALL.”

I nodded and he ambled out.   
I settled in, pulled out my tablet,   
checked my email and opened my kindle app and started reading.

Danny finally stirred and sat up, rubbing his eyes and looking around blearily at Vi until he spotted me. He bounded over, tackling me in a big hug.

“Hi Mom!” he whispered, smiling wildly.

“Hey Danny-boy!” I said beaming back. I was so proud of him for sticking by Vi’s side. Although I didn’t expect any other reaction from my loyal boy.

“How long have you been here and why didn’t you wake me up? You probably texted me and I didn’t get it. I’m sorry!”

“It’s hard to get a text when you drop your phone silly! I wasn’t going to wake you up, I’m not sure how much sleep you have been getting. I’ve only been here about 45 minutes. Vi looked flushed so I got Matt and he took their temp and gave them some meds.” Danny’s face fell, “don’t worry love, he said it wasn’t that high, that the meds were just a precautionary measure.”

We both stared at Vi for a long time, they weren’t grimacing anymore but looked peaceful.

“They kinda look like sleeping beauty with their pale skin, rosy cheeks and long dark hair.”

“They do!” Danny agreed and I chuckled. “What Ma?”

“I didn’t realise that I had said that outloud!”

“You’re getting old Mom.”

“I know Danny-boy! I know!” I smiled.  
His stomach rumbled so I reached into my bag, pulling out a container with still warm sandwiches. 

“Eat child!”

He pulled out a grilled peanut butter, honey and banana sandwich half and mowed it down in less than 30 seconds, grabbing the second half.

“When was the last time you actually ate Danny?” I was worried about Vi getting healthy but Danny also needed to stay healthy to care for them.

“Um last night I had a bit while Vi was in surgery but mostly just because Matt made me.” Danny smiled, “he’s a good guy!”

“Vi had surgery?” I asked,immediately alarmed.

“Yeah but it was to put in the tube called a hickman that you can see sticking out their shirt collar. Vi is actually afraid of needles so this makes life a lot easier for then. I guess Matt is the master at getting blood work but he also said their veins were small and bad so they wouldn’t be able to keep an IV in longterm for chemo.” He visibly shivered.  
I put my arm around him. “It’s gonna be ok hunny.”

Danny leaned over, resting his elbows on his knees and putting his face in his hands. “I know Mom, it has to be. I don’t think I could live without them.” 

Violet was stirring in their sleep. At first I thought they were just waking up but they started thrashing frenetically. Grabbing at their chest.

“No no no Cassie!” Vi whispered.

“Oh no! Mom help! They are going to pull out their line.”

Danny and I got on either side of them and held down their arms. 

“Jason, wake up dear!” I said in their ear giving them a gentle shake, “WAKE UP!”

“Don’t bother Mom, they’re impossible to wake up during these dreams!”

“They’ve had these before?” I asked, shocked at how strong they were.

“NO NO NO CASSIE!” Vi bellowed.

I heard Matt coming before I saw him. He moved like lightning into the room. “What’s going on?”

“Vi is having a nightmare. They are IMPOSSIBLE to wake up!” Danny said in a panic. “They were trying to pull out their line. So that is why we are holding them. I mean they weren’t doing it on purpose!”

“No Cassie, stop!” Vi whined weakly, still struggling.

Matt pressed the call button and a girl said, “Can I help you?”

“Sylvie, can you ask Dr Hoskins to come in here and bring the medcart stat please?”

He came over and stood up by Vi’s head, steadying it opening their eyelids and shining a light into them.  
“Jason, it’s Matt. Can you hear me?” he said in a firm voice.

“No no no Cassie, she can’t breathe!” Vi increased their thrashing. It was getting harder and harder to hold them.

A girl came crashing in with a rolling cart that looked like a mechanic’s toolbox.

“Jason wake up!” He said again, rubbing his knuckles on the middle of their chest roughly. I winced.

A large male Dr came barreling in, repeating the procedures that Matt did. Vi was still not waking up.

“No Cassie!”

“Ativan .5mg diluted with 1mg saline!” The Dr said, the nurse Sylvie prepared a syringe and handed it to him. He put it in their central line.

They thrashed for another minute or two then went completely slack.

“They said they haven’t had a Cassie nightmare in 5 or 6 years before they started having them again. They are terrified every time. I wish I knew why?!” Danny said sounding frustrated as hell.

“Who is Cassie?” the Dr asked Danny after Sylvie was called away to another patient.

“Cassie was Jason’s sister, she passed away from A.L.L. when Jason was 12. They were the only one in the room when she died.” Danny said, looking like his heart was breaking.

“Hmmmm,” the Dr said vaguely, “I will be back, I’m going to look into things we can do to help alleviate the nightmares. Nightmares are a very rare but possible symptom of A.L.L. as well but if he had them before, I am not sure if it’s that but I will look into it and be back either tonight or tomorrow. Okay?” he said, smiling.

Danny nodded, looking miserable.  
“He probably won’t be awake til tomorrow. I gave him a very strong anti-anxiety med. Any questions?”  
Danny shook his head and the Dr left.

Matt gave Danny’s shoulder a squeeze, “I’ll come and check in soon,” and left.

Danny launched himself at me and we settled down onto the small sofa, crying together.

I have never seen Danny so upset, he was more upset than he was when he was eliminated on American Idol. My heart was shattering.


	74. Dusty Rooms and Invisible Hands

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a horrible sparkly trashbag of a human being.

Chapter 75  
Violet’s POV

I felt sunlight on my face, the light shining through my eyelids. I let out a sigh, not wanting to wake up just yet. 

Suddenly everything was dark. Cold little hands over my eyes.

“Guess who JD?” Cassie’s voice whispered in my ear.

“No no no Cassie!” hating that she was calling me by my old nickname.  
Her hands had a vice grip over my eyes which felt like they were going to pop. I could feel her leaning on my chest so I started trying to shake her off, scrabbling at my chest to get her off.

“NO NO NO CASSIE!” She suddenly released me, stars popping up into my vision. I cracked open my eyes, expecting to be in the hospital in Cali but I was in a bright pink and white room. I was laying on a white wrought iron single bed with a white gossamer canopy. I was laying under a fluffy pink comforter.

Cassie was humming an eerily echoing tune and spinning around in her dress absentmindedly.

I was in her room. The smell of dust hung heavy in the air.

“Get outta bed, sleepyhead!” She said, pulling on my arms so hard, I felt like they were going to rip out of their sockets.

“No Cassie Stop!” I yelled closing my eyes, shocked when she immediately abated. I kept my eyes closed hoping she would think I was sleeping like she used to when she was younger.

“I’M STILL HERE BITCH!” She whispered in an ugly tone, her cold breath on my cheek making me shiver.

“hey Jason!” Lucy’s sweet voice filled the room and my eyes snapped open. I was in my room at the hospital again and Lucy was wheeling in, her long ginger wig in a braid down her back.

“Hi little lady!” she said to Cassie with her cute Utah twang. “You look pretty today! I love pink too! My name’s Lucy!”

“Hi I’m Cassie! Your chair is pretty!”

“Want me to give you a ride around? Come on up!” Lucy said patting her knees.

Lucy started doing circles around the room, looking around Cass so she didn’t run into anything. Cassie was giggling malevolently. On one of the turns when Lucy was facing away, Cass was looking over her shoulder at me. Her arm snaked out like lightning, unhooking Lucy’s tube from her tank.

Lucy was laughing at Cass as she spun them in a few circles, almost blurring with the speed. When Lucy stopped she was blue again.

“No Cassie, she can’t breathe!” I said, wanting to get up but feeling like I was being held down by invisible hands.

“Oh no! I’m fine, just a bit outta shape” Lucy said panting.

“Again again!” Cassie yelled smiling at her.

“No Cassie!”

I started to go fuzzy, struggling to stay awake to make sure Lucy was ok but it felt like hands were dragging me down and then I saw no more.


	75. Feathers and Spangles

Michelle’s POV  
“So our Season 7 winner Violet isn’t able to be here tonight but we brought you a clucking good queen in their stead, here’s your favorite farm gal Miss FAAAME!”

The fans were going crazy! We had managed to keep it quiet that Phi Phi and Fame were here! They all went crazy when Phi Phi came out and did her amazing cosplay inspired act and now they were screaming as Fame stepped out in a tight black latex catsuit with a victory rolled blonde wig starting her song ‘Rubber Doll’.

Fame was the last queen of the night and I was glad. I was so tired from all the worry and not sleeping well on the bus. I just couldn’t sleep in a moving object. When I have to fly to the UK or especially on the long trip to Australia, I have to take a strong sleeping medicine but I didn’t want to rely on that nightly.

I may decide to fly to the next place like Katya said, that way I can sleep and do a bit of business while the bus is enroute.

What was going on with Vi right now? Were they really getting the help they needed and deserved? What would life be like without our scrappy, tenacious, bitchy queen? They were so fucking young to be dealing with this! It made me sad and angry and worried and a whole bunch of other emotions I couldn’t put into words.

I was interrupted from my contemplation by someone pinching my ass, I turned around to see Katya’s cheshire grin. All the other girls crowding behind her, waiting for the finale’s final song.

Fame exited the stage and gave me a dorky face on the way by as I went back out again.

I walked back on the stage, hoping the smile I plastered on my face was taken as genuine even though it was half assed.

“So I want to sing you a song and I want you to listen to the words CAREFULLY and apply them to your life. Don’t be ashamed or hide who you TRULY are, even if your family or friends don’t get you. I get you, the girls get you and you are in a room full of people who get you. The point is be proud of who you are.

I started in on the song "I am what I am” from the musical 'La Cage aux Folles’.

“I am what I am  
I am my own special creation.  
So come take a look,  
Give me the hook or the ovation.  
It’s my world that I want to take a little pride in,  
My world, and it’s not a place I have to hide in.  
Life’s not worth a damn,  
'Til you can say, "Hey world, I am what I am.”  
I am what I am,  
I don’t want praise, I don’t want pity.  
I bang my own drum,  
Some think it’s noise, I think it’s pretty.  
And so what, if I love each feather and each spangle,“ I cleared my throat and started the line again. The feathers and spangles made me think of Violet. 

"And so what, if I love each feather and each spangle” I could feel my heart beating heavily in my chest, my throat feeling like it was closing.

Someone came out and pushed me off to the wings.

“Why not triiiieeee to see things from a diff'rent angle?” Alaska’s voice drawled.  
“Your life is a sham 'til you can shout out loud  
I am what I am!  
I am what I am  
And what I am needs no excuses.  
I deal my own deck  
Sometimes the ace, sometimes the deuces.  
There’s one life, and there’s no return and no deposit;  
One life, so it’s tiieeme to open up your closet.  
Life’s not worth a damn 'til you can say,  
Hiiieee world, I am what I am!” She finished the line by dipping her microphone and her voice as low as possible, making the crowd scream with laughter.

The finale was a whirlwind of queens singing superstar and stomping the catwalk.

“Did we forget anyone?” Alaska said, becoing me “MICHELLE VISAGE!!”

I walked out and the queens sang “Feelin like pussy, feelin like cunt!” as I came out laughing and did my turn on the catwalk.

“Thank you soooo much Billings!! You have been a fantastic audience! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you babies!”

We all walked off stage. Alaska was waiting by the hall backstage. I went up to her.

“Thanks so much 'Lasky! I think my lack of sleep is getting to me. I did have a nap but I guess it wasn’t enough. Thanks for saving my ass!”

Alaska hugged me and then Katya joined, then I heard Miss Fame’s voice and I was in a group hug with all my girls, feeling like they were going to crush me.

“Keep it together Michelle Lynn Shupack, don’t lose it!” I thought, hoping that using my full birth name would snap me out of it like it did when my Mom said it growing up.

 

It didn't. Then the dam of tears broke.


	76. Sandwiches and Sedation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Ok I don’t know why my brain made Ms Bonnie Noriega the Sandwich lady but I do suggest you try a grilled peanut butter, banana and honey sandwich! Fry it like a grilled cheese! You're welcome!)

Adore/Danny POV

“Ok Danny, you need to get some sleep kiddo.” My mom said.

I had been standing over Violet’s still body for I don’t know how long, holding their listless hand in mine.  
I sighed.

“Danny, Danny, Danny!” Mom said, putting an arm around me and trying to pull me away. I leaned over and gave Vi a kiss on their forehead before I put their hand down and let go with a heavy heart.

“Go put your PJs on hun.” Mom said pointing her finger towards the washroom. I washed my tearstained face off and changed into my pyjama pants and a clean shirt, throwing my dirty one in a bag.  
When I came out, Matt was checking Vi over and softly chatting with Mom. He was hooking them up to a clear bag of fluid.

“Hey Danny. I’m hooking Jason up to basically sugar water, we want to keep their blood sugar up since they haven’t had much to eat today.”

“Yeah their body is probably used to it, they don’t eat very much. They are never hungry.”

“Hmmm have they always had such a tiny appetite.”

“No not really, they’re tiny but they generally eat pretty well up til a few months ago.”

“It can be a symptom. I’ll check that. So Dr Bailey has been told about the nightmares, and I’m just warning you, she will probably want one of our counsellors to talk to them because it’s a long term issue.”

“I’ll talk to them.” I said, running my fingers through my hair wanting to pull it out from stress. I sat down hard on the bench.

Matt sat down beside me. “How do you feel Danny?”

“I don’t know. Scared. Worried. Upset. Love. Hate. I mean I am happy to be here because I’m happy to support Vi and I’m happy we are together after I have wanted us to be for so long. I have so much love and respect for them. I feel like I’m drowning in worry and fear though. I mean with the death today and Lucy and then these nightmares, it’s terrifying because I can’t DO anything! I hate cancer!”

“What makes you think you aren’t doing anything? Because that is NOT what I’M getting. You are here, I don’t know any other person who isn’t a parent to spend almost every moment daily with the patient. You ran out today when you knew Lucy was in crisis. You don’t give yourself enough credit!!”

“That’s what I’ve been saying!” Mom came up, pushing half of a sandwich in my hand, “eat! You too Matt, if you’d like one! Let’s see, I have grilled peanut butter honey and banana. Peanut butter, sweet onion, pickles and bacon or I have a ham, parmesan and avocado sandwich. The last one is about as normal a sandwich you will get with the Noriega's.”

“Oh ok. I’ll do the ham one! Thanks!”  
We just sat here munching.

Matt eventually crunched up the parchment paper the sandwich was in and stood up.

“I gotta get going. Do you need anything?” Matt said, giving me a pat on the knee.

“Well I have a question.” I said “Do you ever go home? or sleep?!”

“Nope!” he laughed, “no I am still here because I took part of a shift off the hands of one of the other nurses who was too upset about Rosa to finish. I’m gonna go home in the next hourish but I’ll see you tomorrow ok?” He said sauntering out.

“You. Bed. Now!” Mom barked firmly but was still smiling, pointing to me and then to the bed. I sighed and went over to the bed she must have folded out when I wasn’t paying attention. I climbed into the bed and Mom pulled the blankets up to my chin. I was feeling like I was about 10 but I wasn’t complaining. She sat on the side of the bed

“When will you be back?” I asked.

“Tomorrow. I’ll text you. I know where you are if you don’t have your phone on you.” She chuckled. “Close your eyes beloved boy.”

She kept smoothing my hair back then she started singing our version of John Lennon’s song ‘beautiful boy’ in her melodious alto voice.

Close your eyes,  
Have no fear,  
The monster’s gone,  
He’s on the run  
And your Mommy’s here,  
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,  
Danny-boy,  
Before you go to sleep,  
Say a little prayer,  
Every day  
In every way,  
It’s getting better and better,  
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,  
Danny-boy,  
Before you cross the street,  
Take my hand,  
Life is what happens to you,  
While you’re busy making other plans,  
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,  
Danny-boy,  
Before you go to sleep,  
Say a little prayer,  
Every day  
In every way,  
It’s getting better and better,  
Beautiful….


	77. Typical Therapy Bullshit

Violet’s POV

I was coming out of sleep and I could feel the sun on my face. Oh no! Oh no! I steeled myself for Cassie’s inevitable eerie voice.

I waited, but nothing happened, so I opened one eye a little and then a little more. No Cassie. I felt like I had a hangover. I was fuzzy headed and cotton mouthed.

I looked over to see Danny on his side on the pull out and Bonnie must have fallen asleep here too because she was camped out on a cot. I don’t remember anything about her visiting. Why couldn’t I remember?

I checked my watch and it was only 6, I tried my best to get back to sleep but my brain was like NOPE.  
I picked up my phone and decided to check my social media. Twitter first.

theyakcollective said  
@ Violetchachki why are you such a selfish cunt? I hope you’re having no fun at whatever sunny resort you are staying @ with @ adoredelano I hope there’s a tornado

chrisfame said  
@ violetchachki is a bitch, but she has been the bitch I agreed with. Now I just think she is a thoughtless child. I am no longer #teamviolet

ahateddewindow said  
@ Violetchachki must finally be getting help with their disgusting eating disorder. The fact she had to do it on the fans dime is just inconsiderate. Drag superstar? I’m not that sure

I was shaking with anger when I decided I would check instagram  
JannaLamia said  
I was hoping to see you in California in a few weeks @ Violetchachki. It’s on my bucket list since I have a terminal illness. The event company even arranged special surprises but it won’t be the same without you. But I do hope you are ok.

The picture was a tiny girl with a giant oxygen mask almost covering up her whole face laying in a hospital bed. She was posing thumbs down with a pout barely visible. I noticed her arms were skeletal. She had curly raven hair that I could tell wasn’t a wig. She probably didn’t have cancer but she was living on borrowed time, just like Rosalina was. Like Lucy might be. Like I might be.

By now I was crying and trying to sniffle quietly. Curling over on my side away from Danny and Bonnie.

Atlasoflowers posted a picture of him and I. I remembered this moment, this boy around 20, came up to me tentatively in the Atlanta airport and asked if I was me since i wasn’t in drag. He looked terrified approaching me.

“Aa.arr.ee…um are you Violet Chachki?” 

“No” I said seriously and then laughed “Sorry I’m just joking! What’s your name babe?” 

“Globo Flores” 

“I have to get on my flight but we should totally take a picture Globo.”

We did a few selfies, in one of them I kissed his cheek and he made a shocked face. That is the one he used today.

He had a small message below:  
To everyone who is upset about Violet having to drop out from being on the tour, it’s ok to be upset but we do not have the whole story so please keep that in mind. I’m sure Violet will tell us why when they can, so shut up about it!

The comments were crazy and I was getting caught up in the negativity of the fans thoughts once again.

I needed a tissue badly so I reached for the box on the bedside table and softly blew my nose.

I wanted to just fucking tell them why but that’s not for the right reasons. I wanted to shut them up and that is not why you should want to land this kind of bomb on anyone! Not out of spite.

I kept reading and reading more and more hate about me when a hand came from behind me and took my phone. I rolled over and Danny had an anguished look on his face.

“Don’t read stuff on social media right now. There are lots of great fans and then selfish dickhead fans and we seem to be getting more of the latter lately. I made the mistake of checking mine yesterday. Not a good choice. How ya feeling?”

“I don’t remember last night at all! When did you get here Bonnie?” I said looking over to the corner.

“You were asleep dear.” Bonnie said to me with sad eyes.

“So I slept from after Lucy yesterday til this morning? I’ve never slept that much!” I said shocked. I don’t even like to sleep much.

Danny came over and grabbed my hand. “Hunny you had another Cassie nightmare after you were asleep. None of us could wake you up so they gave you some meds to calm you down.”

“Well shit.” I exclaimed, putting my head in my hands.

Before anyone could say something the door was pushed open and Sarah’s smiling face was coming through the door with a tray.

“Hey Jason,” she said cheerfully “I brought you some breakfast and Matt will be escorting you to your first group this morning in about an hour and a half. Don’t worry it won’t be as bad as you think it will be. Everybody groans at their first thought of group but it isn’t that bad. Eat up!” She turned and left the room.

“You want my Red River Cereal?” I said to Danny waggling my eyebrows which made him laugh.

“Um no thanks!” He wrinkled his nose.

“They still make that shit?” Bonnie said in surprise.

Danny and I looked at each other and bursted out laughing.

“Danny decided not to listen to me yesterday when I told him it was nasty, evil shit so I get to tell him I told you so everytime I see it.” I joked.

“Well that’s my Danny-boy! He never listens! I have to head out my dear but I’ll be back as soon as I can to visit.” Bonnie said, giving us both a hug and leaving.

There wasn’t a bowl of disgusting cereal, just cold toast, slimey scrambled eggs, ham, milk and cranberry juice. I turned my nose up at it but saw Danny’s sharp gaze on me so I grabbed a slice of bread and took a bite and then another bite.

“Starbucks?” He said brightly.

“Oh God yes! If I have to deal with kids, I’ll need caffeine.”

“K” He said, grabbing his wallet from the cupboard and giving me a kiss on the top of my head while I tried to choke down this crap.

I snuck out to the hallway and put my barely touched tray on the cart for finished breakfasts. I sat onto the sofa barely a minute before Danny rounded the corner back into the room handing me a mocha frap with a dorky little bow. He plunked down beside me and I did my best not to wince, I felt like I’d be ran over by a Dump truck full of hot garbage juice being driven by a homicidal Mickey Mouse.

“Hmmmm,” was all he said as I leaned into him and he put his arms around me gently. I wanted to stay there forever but I knew I couldn’t. I refused to go to this group whatever in pajamas that I’d been wearing almost a full day. I let out a heavy sigh.

“What’s wrong babe?” Danny said, immediately on guard.

“Ugh I want to stay here with you all day like this. Forever really.”

“Really?” Danny said, his eyes wide in surprise “I can’t believe we are together you know?”

I put my drink down and turned and put my hands on either side of his face “Wake up Adore wake up!” I whispered and gave him a long, sweet kiss.

“Do I have to?” He said in a choked voice.

I gave him a long hug, running my hands through his thick hair before letting him go and grabbing some clothes.

I changed into some black skinny jeans, a striped Tshirt and a red bandana neckerchief. I slipped into an old pair of doc martins. I brushed my teeth and then I started brushing the knots out of my hair. I had only passed the brush through my hair twice and I was holding half a handful of hair, just staring down at it.

There was a knock on the door.   
Sarah was waiting outside the bathroom door with a 3 syringes.

“I brought you some pain meds dear.” She said, steering me to sit down on the bench. I was still holding onto my hair in one hand and my brush in the other when she left until Danny came over from where he was folding up the cot his mom slept on.

“Vi? Y'ok?” He said as he approached. “Oh hunny!” He took the brush and hair out of my hands and kneeled in front of me, holding my hands and looking up at me.

“It’s ok Vi, it’s ok!” He clambered up beside me and I cried and held on to him as if my very life depended on it until I was sniffling.

“If only you could find someone with a wig to borrow!” He said in typical Danny dorkness, searching my face to know if he had gone too far in trying to make me laugh.

“Ohhh bitch!” I whispered and then threw my head back and laughed like I owned the world.

Matt knocked on the door and poked his cute little blonde head in looking surprised that we were basically a foot away from him when he swung the door open.

“Ya ready?” He said.

Adore and I stood up and started out of the door when Matt put his hand out to stop him.

“Danny, you can’t come to this meeting. I’m sorry!” He said, looking genuinely crushed, bless him.

I linked pinkies with Danny and whispered “Go. Eat or have a shower or do both. If I’m not back in 2 hours, call the police because I’m having a SHEmergency.” I squeezed his pinky twice and let go, turning from his now-smiling face to follow Matt down the hall doing my best catwalk stomp.

Matt went over some of the rules on the short walk, talking about anonymity and what’s said in the group, stays in the group.

When we walked into the room there was a circle of about 10 chairs. I picked one closest to the door in case I felt like I needed to escape.

Matt sat down beside me and I instantly felt annoyed, so he was allowed to be here but Danny wasn’t? He wasn’t running the group so why the hell was he here?

I opened my mouth to snark at him, when a familiar face came around the corner. Lucy was being pushed by a nurse I had never seen before but she had her usual cheeky grin on her washed out face. She was wearing a pink paisley scarf on her head and was wearing a dreaded hospital gown and her hello kitty hoody, a tie dyed blanket wrapped over her lap, one foot sticking out.

She wasn’t even wearing her prosthesis.

Well shit!

A chair was pulled out of the circle and Lucy’s chair was parked next to mine. I reached over and gave her hand a squeeze.

“How are you feeling darling? I have been bored as fuck without you!” I wanted to tell her how scary it was when she went into crisis in my room but I’m sure it was much scarier for her than it was for us.

“I’m doing ok!” She lied and I gave her the stink eye “Alright, alright! Has anyone told you that your stare could kill someone?”

"I’ve been told that before!” 

A girl with a really bad curly shake-and-go brown wig came in, she waved at Lucy and nodded her head at me.

A boy with a round baby-face and too big of a baseball cap on his bald head came in next, his eyes, which were different colours, got round when he looked at me. Like I thought his eyes were going to swallow his face. Oh FUCK!

Matt seemed to notice and went over to talk to him. He nodded and they both headed over. Oh fuck.

“Hey Jason, this is Kyle.” He took my hand with his shaking one and gave it a little shake.

“Hi Vi…I mean Jason. Omigosh!” he said, putting his hands up to his red cheeks.

“Hey Kyle! How are you today?” I chuckled.

“I’m ok” Then it seemed to hit him “OMIGOD you are here! OMIGOD no!! I’m so sorry!!” his eyes were tearing up.

“Kyle, I have a really important job for you. Can you do something for me?”

“Anything” he whispered.

“If you could please not tell anyone that I’m here? I’d really appreciate it. I’m not ready to tell everyone yet. Actually you would be one of only 5 people who know what I do for a living here.”

He nodded “I promise!”

“Thank you so much baby!” He left and I sent out a hope that he would keep his promise.

By then there were a few other people that had straggled in.

A hispanic woman in a nice lavender pantsuit, you could almost say it was violet I thought to myself and smiled. She sat on the other side of Matt and cleared her throat.

“Hi, for the new people my name is Dr Maria Nunez but just call me Maria. There are only 2 rules here and they are; what is said here, stays here. the only exception is if someone threatens to hurt themselves or another person and we aren’t here to fix one another, just support and encourage each other. With that said, we will go around the circle introducing yourselves. Your name your age, your diagnosis and any goals whether short or long term.” She pointed away from me, thank God, and started at the other end of the circle.

“Hi everyone!! My name is Shaindel” said a tall, skinny olive-skinned girl. She was wearing a modest yet stylish emerald dress and a slouchy ivory headcovering. “You can all call me Shay if you want, Jewish names are weird to say sometimes. I’m 16 and I have Acute Myelogenous leukemia, this is my second occurrence. I want to go back to school a day a week to see my friends.”

The boy in the baseball hat was next, “Hi I’m Kyle! I’m 22. I have Retinoblastoma, I am having surgery on my right eye soon, my left eye is glass. I have a love for XMen so I wanted them to be different colours. My goal is to learn how to use a white cane while I can see and my other goal is to someday perform, which I’m working on.”

The next girl had no hat or wig, she had big purple bags under her eyes and you could see every vein in the top of her head. She was in a hunched position in her yoga pants and sweatshirt. “Hi” she said in a raspy whisper “I’m Silvana. I’m 16 and I have Wilms’ tumour, which is a kidney tumour. My goal is to be well enough to go to my sister’s wedding in 10 days.”

“Hi I’m Abigail! I’m 24” announced a spunky girl with a ½ inch of white-blonde hair “I am in remission from AML for the past 6 months but I like coming back here when I can. My goal is to continue to go to school to become a child life specialist, which is going really well even though I have to do ½ the classes of my peers.” She shrugged.

“Hey I’m Lucy!” Came the familiar twang beside me “I’m 18 and I have Rhabdomyosarcoma which caused below the knee amputation on my left leg with mets on the wall of my right lung. I want to finish my GED.”

I gulped. I guess it was my turn. “Hi! I’m Jason, I’m 23. I have acute lymphocytic leukemia and um…I don’t know what my goal is to be honest. To get through this?”

Everyone laughed, looking at me in awe. Maybe because I was blunt enough to say what everyone was thinking.

“Hi I’m Matt. I’m 23 and I’m in remission from medulloblastoma which is a brain cancer. I’ve been in remission for 4 years but I come to this group, not only because I work here but because this group has really supported me in some very tough times.”

My mouth opened in shock and Matt looked at me with a glint of humour in his eyes.

Then we talked about feelings and hopes and fears and typical therapy shit.


	78. Barfing and Bad Thoughts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Emetophobics beware, proceed with extreme caution.

Adore’s Point of view

I just got back to Vi’s room, my hair soaking wet in the thin hospital towel.   
Not that that even matters. I pulled out the sandwich I got from the caf. The lady looked at me a little funny when I ordered a grilled peanut butter, banana and honey sandwich but she shrugged and made it.  
I flopped down on the loveseat and munched on my sandwich, I turned on my phone and looked at social media. If I’m home with exhaustion, I should be able to post something. Right? But first I read through some of my notifications.

@ frankieDelano   
@ adoredelano I drew this for you, I hope you feel better soon. The attachment showed a beautiful picture of my face on a mermaid body. I gave it a like and tweeted back “Thank you my mermaid angel, made me feel a bit better! I’m getting there.”

Unfortunately but predictably there were some bad ones too.

from @ fannybaby  
I’m so done with prima donna queens!! @ adoredelano I’m really disappointed in you! Fuck you!

@ samdelano Changing my name later today. I’m no longer an @ adoredelano fangirl.

but there were also support tweets from my RuFamily.

@ RuPaulBOTS   
everyone needs to chill out on @ adoredelano, she didn’t CHOOSE to leave, we requested that she take time off to recoup and rest her voice from the tour, which gets intense sometimes.

@ biancadelrio   
listen bitches, you leave my sisters @ adoredelano and @ violetchachki alone! Or you will have to deal with a really a angry fucking clown like It from the Stephen King movie. Get it? Got it? GOOD!

@ courtneyact  
everyone just take a breath and stop stressing about things that none of us can control. @ adoredelano will be back, she is setting a good example that you have to look after your health bc that is precious.

I was tearing up a bit. I put my sandwich down and took the towel off my head. Trying to dredge up the most pitiful look which wasn’t hard because I was feeling pretty pitiful.

I pressed record on my phone.  
“Hi guys! I’m so sorry I can’t be there with you. If I could change the stuff that is happening in my life, I would but I need to be here right now. I hope you can respect that. I don’t want to lose you guys. You mean the world to me mermaids!” by the end I had an escapee tear trailing down my cheek.

I really DID miss them. Of course I did. They are like my family! I took a deep breath and pressed send.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and jumped. “Shit!” I looked up to see Vi’s amused face. There was a slender guy with bulging eyeballs behind them.

“Sorry!” Vi said laughing.

“You don’t sound sorry!” I said, giving my grade A pouty face.

“Sorry not sorry babe! Sit up! We have company!”

I saluted and sat up smiling. “Hey there! How are you?” I said patting the cushion beside me. Vi went to sit on the arm of the couch but slipped and fell on my lap. They made no attempt to get up, so I put my arms around them and they sighed and leaned back.

“Sorry Kyle, we’re a bit sappy sometimes!” They laughed.

“That’s ok! Nice to meet you Ad…anny!”

I chuckled, “If I ever get tired of Adore maybe that will be my new drag name!”

“Suh…sorry!” He said, looking like he was about to cry.

“No no no you’re fine! I’m just bad at joking sometimes! Tell me about yourself Kyle!” I said smiling. I felt like if I could forget where we were, I would feel 100% content with my life. Talking with a fan always gave me an extra boost, I’m just so appreciative of them.

“well I’m 22 and I was really bummed when you didn’t win!”

“You and me both!” I joked “Kidding! Kidding! I was rooting for Bianca myself…well ok maybe not that far!”

“Kyle here is doing us a solid by not saying that he saw us so can you text your Mom and ask her to bring some merch. Not that I’m trying to buy you off Kyle! I just want to show you how much we appreciate it!”

“Yuh….you don’t have to do that! I’m hap…happy to help!” He blushed, looking flustered.

“Kyle,” I reassured him gently. “You don’t need to be nervous around us hun. We are just normal people who happened to be on a TV show.”

“Speak for yourself Daniel! I’m a STAR!!” Vi said dramatically and doing the face vogue and then they giggled! Best sound ever.

“ok! I’ll try! It’s just, I’ve been such a fan for a long time, I was surprised to see you here! I mean I’m glad I got to meet you but I wish it wasn’t here!” he looked at his watch, “I have to go. My ride will be downstairs soon! I will see you day-after-next, hopefully! Unless they move my surgery up of course but I think we are gonna do some more chemo first. Nice to meet you both!” he said, swinging his lanky arms by his sides as he left.

Vi sighed deeply. I held them closer. “What’s up?”

“I just hope he keeps his word. I really do. I don’t want people to find out from gossip.” They said, a pained look closing their face briefly. 

“Out of 10 bitch?”

“What?” They cocked their head to the side, looking confused.

“How bad is your pain right now?”

“It’s not too bad really!” They said, blinking rapidly which was their tell that they were lying.

“Vi you know you can’t lie to me!” I said, giving them a soft whack on the shoulder.

“Damn it Adore!” They frowned.

“What’s wrong hun?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” They whispered, getting up and curling into a ball on the bed. Their shoulders shaking with silent sobs.

Oh God! What did I do?

I ran over and sat on the side of the bed. I smoothed their hair back but I got a handful of it so I moved to rubbing their back in slow circles.

They stiffened. 

“Am I hurting you?” I asked, immediately concerned.

“Yeah, a little. I’m sorry!” They were crying harder and they sat up straight “Oh no!”

“What’s wrong?!”

“I’m gonna throw up!” I jumped up to grab the basin in the locker but I was too late.

“Shit! Clean up, aisle 231!” They said, looking disgusted.

“I’m gonna get Matt!” I said heading for the door.

“No don’t!” They said, their jaw clenched.

I went over, knelt down and looked in their eyes. “How about you change, if you feel like you are strong enough and I’ll gather up the sheets, then we will call Matt to get you some meds. Sound reasonable?”

“mmhmm. but I am taking this with me” they said, picking up the basin and looking miserable. On the way by I leaned over and kissed them on the forehead. “Ugh don’t hun, I’m disgusting.”

“It’s ok, you aren't and even if you were, I can handle disgusting!” I said.

“It’s only just beginning,” they whispered in a voice I wasn't supposed to hear, heading into the bathroom.

I stripped the sopping sheets off the bed and wrapped them in the clean blanket, going out to the nurses station and flagged down Matt.

“Where do I put dirty sheets and find new ones? Jason just got sick, they are also in pain but being stubborn.” I frowned.

“Ok hun, there is a basket there,” pointing to a blue hamper marked LINENS. “I’ll get some meds and new bedding and be in in a jiffy!”

“K, thanks!” I said gratefully.

I heard sniffling from the bathroom when I went back in. I wanted to ask Vi if they needed anything but I thought I would wait a bit. Maybe what Vi needed was some time to fall apart alone as much as it hurt my heart. My body ached to hold them and make it all better.

I sat outside the door, my heart crumbling a bit more with every one of their sobs. I brought my knees up to my chest, banging my forehead on top of my knees a few times for being such a shitty boyfriend when I wanted to run into there. Suddenly there was a hand on my shoulder, I looked up, expecting to find Matt but Vi was there.

“I’m so sorry love!! Matt should be here soon. Come lay on the sofa.” I pleaded, grabbing the basin and their arm and leading them over. Their legs were wobbly so I guided them down and sat beside them, not touching them because I didn’t want to cause them pain.

“Danny, I’m so sorry!” They said with tears in their eyes. Then they buried their head in the basin again. I put my hand on their shoulder and whispered a billion “it’s ok, you’re ok, it’ll be over soon!”

Matt came in and threw the blankets down, grabbing the blood pressure machine.

“Ok Jason, your blood pressure is way too high, you can’t let your pain get this high again. I’m asking your DR to put you back on an actual scheduled pain regimen! When you can sit up, I will give you some pain and nausea meds. Take your time. I have a cloth here for you. They are probably going to make you drowsy.” Matt said kindly.

Violet kept their head buried in the basin and held out their line on the side for Matt to put the meds in. He went over to the bed and made it up.

“I’ll be back in a minute.” He said, sharing a worried look with me.

I resumed my “it’s ok, you’re ok, it’ll be over soon!” mantra for I don’t know how long.

“ugh I’m sorry” They said, finally resurfacing.

“Don’t be sorry hun, it’s not your fault.” I said, running my fingers gently up and down their back.

“I think I’m done.” They shakily tried to put the basin on the floor but I grabbed it. “I got it” I said, getting up to rinse it and rushing back.

“I think…I think I need to lay down. I’m sorry Danny.” They smacked their hand on their forehead.

“Hey, hey, hey stop!” I said gently, pulling their hand down to hold it.

“Stop apologizing. I mean it!” I said, gathering them in my arms for a long, gentle hug. Then I picked them up, bridal style.

“I can walk you know!” They quipped, it made me smile at the sarcasm in their voice.

“Well not currently because I got you.” I said, sticking my tongue out at them. They let out a little chuckle. “How did I end up so lucky to have you?”

Mom's talking inner dialogue thing must be genetic because I didn’t realize I had actually said that outloud until they responded, putting the hand that wasn't around my neck gently on my chest. “No my dear, I am the lucky one.”

I curled up with them on their bed, they had their ear on my chest and I was sure they were going to comment on how fast my heart was beating but they were asleep the minute I set them down.

I held their hand in mine and just thought about how wonderful everything would be when Vi was well again. My brain then got stuck in the rabbit hole of “What ifs" land.

What if I fucked this up?  
What if they died?  
What if they died and their parents never found out they were sick?  
What if their parents hated me?  
What if the fans thought I did something to make them worse, to kill them even?  
What if… I startled at a noise and checked to make sure they were still asleep. Matt was creeping in with the bags of chemo. He noticed Vi was sleeping and backed out of the room with a finger pressed up to his lips. What the hell?  
He came back about a minute later with the bags out of their protective wrappers.  
"Sorry” he whispered “I don’t want to wake them up if I can help it.” He found their line and hooked them up.  
“I have to sit in here for a little bit. Do you want quiet? I can just chill by the door.”

“No you’re fine” I whispered back.

“Wanna talk about it?” He inquired, pulling up a chair.

“What?”

“You know our people are freakishly intuitive, both with fashions and feelings, so spill it.”

I put my free hand over my eyes, raked it down my face and sighed. “Just thinking too much.”

“Yep, I know that. Did Vi tell you about my story?”

“um no. what story?” I said confusedly.

Then he told me his cancer story and how it felt to be the person with cancer and that his exboyfriend had left because HE couldn’t handle that Matt had cancer. Most importantly he told me how best to help someone with cancer to deal with it and fight.

That’s what I’m gonna do, I’m gonna help Vi fight. That was the only option.


	79. I Lesser Than 3 You!

Violet’s POV

I woke up throwing up, which let me tell you is not a cute way to wake up. Thankfully the bucket was right beside me. After I was done, I realised I was alone in the bed.

Where had Danny gone? I looked around the room and he wasn’t anywhere to be found. I waited what seemed like hours but was probably only a few minutes for him to come back.

“He left, he didn’t want to deal with you anymore!” My brain whispered wickedly “He didn’t want to be with a sick shell of a person. You are vile.”

“Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” I seethed, letting the tears I had been fighting off fall while I curled myself around the basin and cried and got sick.

“Hey you ok?” Lucy’s sweet voice was so close to me that it made me jump. “Sorry I didn’t mean to scare you!” She said lifting her hands, palms out. “If you want me to leave, I don’t mind!”

“No stay, it’s ok!” I said, sniffling. I felt a tug on my chest when I sat up. I noticed that I was attached to chemo which must have been hooked up while I was asleep.

She wheeled over and grabbed my hand with her cold one. “It’s ok. I understand what you are feeling. You aren’t alone. Also, don’t worry about Danny.”

“What do you mean?” I said feeling confused.

“He’s at his group, here is a note he left” She plucked a pale yellow post-it note off the floor, handing it to me. “It must have fallen off, you know budget cuts equal half-assed sticky notes!” She laughed, which was an amazing sound since she had had that close call.

I took the note and read:

Hey Vi  
You were sleeping so soundly  
I couldn’t bear waking you up.  
I’ve gone to the group Matt suggested.  
Hopefully you’ll be asleep until   
I get back but if not, you know where to find me if you need me.   
Lesser than 3  
Danny

“What the fuck is lesser than 3?” Lucy asked, reading the note over my shoulder.

I laughed. “It’s a heart symbol, Danny’s just being a goofball!”

“You two are just too sickeningly cute! Was the lady who was here the other day your Mom?”

“Ha! No that’s Danny’s Mom!” I said smiling, hoping she wouldn’t ask about my family. She couldn’t possibly know what it’s like to have kind of lost all your family.

“Oh. Are your parents far away? Are they coming to see you?” She cocked her head to the side adorably, staring at me.

“I haven’t told them.” I said, putting my head down and clearing my throat.

“But you can still talk to them right?” She said “Like they’re alive n stuff, right?”

What a strange question. 

“Yup they’re alive. I just don’t talk to them much.” I shrugged.

“Is it because you’re gay?” She said, her green eyes getting huge.

“No, that's not it! It’s complicated.” I shrugged again for good measure.

“Jason, trust me on this one, call your parents. Get Danny to do it. Whether they come or not is on them but you won’t have the dilemma of whether to call them or not like you are now.” She said, nodding her head, almost as an afterthought she added “Don’t wait til it’s too late to appreciate your parents, believe me!” She covered her mouth, tears springing up in her moss green eyes.

“Wanna talk about it?” I said, giving her hand a squeeze.

“Not really.” She said.

Before I could pry or ask questions I was seized by another bout of nausea, burying my head once again in the bin. I let go of her hand to hold the bowl tight like I was hugging a long lost teddy bear.

When I finally was able to lift up my head, she was gone.

She must have told Matt because he came in soon after she had left, with antinausea meds.

“Hey gurl hey, here” He said softly, giving me a clean basin and warm cloth and going to rinse the other in the bathroom.

“I’ll be back in about half hour with pain meds, do you need anything before then?”

“Can I ask you a question?” He nodded. “What’s the deal with Lucy’s family?”

“Even if I was allowed to tell you, I wouldn’t” he said, his eyes clouding over. “Sorry hun, she’ll tell you when she’s ready.”

He left and I was once again alone with my thoughts. I didn’t want to be in my head right now so I hopped on social media.

@ jannalamia  
I am excited to see the BOTs tour and backstage as my make-a-wish wish but I just keep desperately hoping that @ violetchachki will be back by the time the tour hits Cali in 3 weeks.

Oh geez! I decided to text Mark about the girl. Mark knew that I wasn’t away because of family issues like it was put out. He knew it was a health issue and I would be away for a bit.

To: Mark  
Hey Mark, It’s Vi. I’ve been reading the posts by Janna Lamia, the make-a-wish girl and I know she really wanted to meet me. I’d love to send her some flowers or pics/t-shirts. I wonder if you could get her address. I feel horrible about it. But maybe when I’m healthy, I can visit her.  
While I had my phone out, I punched in another text.

To: Mom  
I have cancer.

I erased it, arguing with my brain. I started over. I found out Cassie had cancer through a text, I wasn’t gonna do that to her.

To: Mom  
Mom please call me. My new number is 555-723-6392. It’s important.

I took a deep breath and pressed the green send button.

Now I just have to wait and see. I thought, feeling the pull of sleep tugging on my brain.


	80. Texts From Family

Adore’s POV

I walked into the room and gulped. It felt like there were a thousand eyes on me and I was intimidated. Which is pretty ironic because I CAN have 1000 eyes on me at a show and I don’t bat a lash.

I sat down closest to the door in case I had to bail.

I felt a tap on my shoulder and there was a woman, who looked no older than me, handing me a cup of coffee and some milk and sugar on the side. She had amazing long deep auburn wavy hair down to her shoulder blades. She kind of reminded me of Lucy who probably had naturally red hair to go with her moss green eyes and freckles. She had a long beautiful ivory face with a pointed chin, upturned nose and a smattering of adorable freckles. She shrugged off her coat and I stared, I couldn’t help it. She was skeletal, not like Vi was skinny, no this woman looked literally like a walking skeleton. She sat down on my right and noticed me staring at her, taking a cardigan out of her bag.

“Everyone take your seats!” A stern looking woman with short grey hair said firmly.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to stare.” I whispered.

“I’ll explain later dear don’t worry!” she said in a heavy French accent.

The grey haired woman, smiled around at us. “ Hi, my name is Olive. I am a clinical psychologist by trade but I also have a daughter who had an Astrocytoma, which is a type of brain tumour, she has been in remission for 8 years. I created C.O.F.F.E.E.S. which stands for Caregivers Of Friends & Family Emotional Education Strategies. I use this platform in other caregiver’s groups and that is why it does not have cancer specifically in the title. I also appropriately called it coffees because a lot of us live on caffeine while we are here 24/7.” She chuckled, her face completely changed when she laughed. “So I will teach you some coping skills and I find that you all teach me skills a lot of the time too. So the only rules here are that whatever is said here, stays here, we do small groups or pairs occasionally as well.  
Also everyone gets their time to speak so please don’t interrupt another person. So let’s introduce ourselves. You can tell us your name, age, the relationship of the person you are caring for, their type of cancer and something you are struggling with. Of course, only share what you feel comfortable sharing and you can completely not share anything if you chose not to. This space is a safe space.” She waved to the woman on the right to start. Well fuck. I was next.

The woman was a dirty blonde with a short bob, she had huge bags under her eyes and her clothes were wrinkled, her blouse was misbuttoned and she looked like she could topple over and fall asleep at any moment. She cleared her throat and her voice was just slightly louder than a whisper. “Hello, my name is Ava, I’m 34. My daughter has..um had A.L.L. but my Rosalina passed yesterday. To be honest, I haven’t left the hospital yet, I just sat holding my baby until they made me give her to them, then I just sat or paced in the waiting room. I didn’t want to go home because it was just me and Rosa and I just couldn’t do it.” Olive handed her a kleenex, there was so much raw pain in her voice that I reached out and grabbed her hand, putting my other hand over it. My heart ached for her. “My sister is coming to pick me up and we will either go home or stay in a hotel. She will stay with me. I didn’t want to come here to the group today but Matt said I should until he can get in contact with the grief support people.” She put her head down for what seemed like an hour, seemingly lost in thought. She waved her free hand on to me and whispered, “I’m done.”

Oh crap. I took in a deep breath.

“Um I’m Danny, I’m 26 and my boyfriend Jason has A.L.L. with a genetic link” A man scoffed at the word boyfriend but if looks could kill, he would be fried up by the other people in the room “My particular struggle is I am one of 5 people in their life outside of the hospital that know. They haven’t even told their parents. I do not mind caring for them at all! I just feel like more support would be better for them. I’m also not sure how to help them sometimes.” I said covering my face with my free hand, the tears were loosed from my eyes like a dam breaking. Ava squeezed my other hand and the mystery woman handed me a hanky. An actual old fashioned, lace trimmed, monogrammed with a S hanky. My nose was running so I blew my nose like a trumpet and everyone chuckled. What the fuck do you do with a used hanky? I tried to hand it back to the dark auburned mystery woman but she lifted her hands palms out and said “keep it!” smiling.  
“I’m uh done. Thanks!” I smiled.

The woman patted her bony hand on my arm for a moment before saying “Hello! My name is Selene, I’m 38” She pronounced it Seh-len “My son Luc has rhabdomyosarcoma which is a rare cancer affecting the muscles and bones. He’s doing well.”

Rare? Isn’t that what Lucy has? I mean I shouldn’t be surprised that there were two kids with the same rare cancer in one of the best hospitals in the state!

“We moved here when my husband got offered a transfer, at least I speak the language but I have absolutely no root here, uh roots. What I mean to say is I have no support system and my husband works a lot. My daughter Celeste is 19 and she spends a large amount of time at my aunt’s house even though I know that she can stay at home alone. She doesn’t have a full comprehension of English yet. She has a great tutor who is working on that. I am done! Thank you!”

The last person in the circle was a dark haired homophobic gentlemen with grey creeping up at the sides. He was wearing a dark suit in pristine condition almost like lint wouldn’t DARE to land on his suit. “Hello, my name is Grayson, I am 42. My teenage daughter has a cancer and I would rather not specify the type. I’m not too comfortable with talking about it. I’m not heartless, I want to be here. I am just not used to sharing such personal details of my life. This is my second time so I would ask you to try to be patient with me. Thank you!”

Olive went on to teach us how to care for ourselves while caring for others. Sleep tips, eating tips and at the end of the group when everyone had collected their things and filed out. Only Selene and I remained.

“I wanted to explain why I’m so skinny.”

“No no! You don’t have to! I’m so sorry for staring! I hate when people stare at Jason and I together! I know better.”

“Stop Danny!!” She said putting a very solid hand on my shoulder.  
“I have an extremely rare genetic condition called MDP Syndrome. It means I cannot store fat, have joint issues and have hearing loss,” she said smiling and lifting up her beautiful veil of hair to reveal hearing aides in both ears.

“I’m so sorry!”

“Don’t be sorry. I managed to do pretty well. I wish I had the ability ma Mere, sorry my Mother, had teaching me languages to pass down to my children!! Unfortunately, I cannot be with my daughter to teach her right now and my aunt speaks barely no English!”

“Languages?” I asked knowing as soon as I said it that it was dumb because obviously she spoke more than one! “Sorry dumb question!”

“Haha no I actually speak French and English of course but I also speak Mandarin, Spanish, Portuguese and sign language and unfortunately I have to go to see Luc’s Dr in 10 minutes so I have to go!” She said giving me a very strong hug for such a tiny frame then walked away looking like a hundred year old 38 year old.

I was walking back to Vi’s room when my phone vibrated so I fished it out of my pocket.

It was a mass text from a lot of the Rugirls.

Bianca - Hey Adore. we wanted to tell you that we are all thinking about you both and hope you are feeling better and Vi’s family is doing better. We miss you and love you!

Fame - Stay strong you two! 

Pearl - Vi I love you and you too Adore…I guess! :P Just kiiiiding Miss Thang!

Alaska - Hiiieee! I miss your crowd surfing and occasional crowd splatting Adore!! Vi I miss your sarcasm so much! I never thought that I would say that!

Jinkx - Hey gays, I’m missing you on tour, Michelle blubbered during a song with feathers Vi!

Michelle - Did not! Ok maybe I did! sorry not sorry bitches!

Fame - either that or she was blubbering about chickens! Been there, done that but that's MY thing! Lol Love yous

Willam - you know yous isn’t a word right country bumpkin? I miss yous! hahaha

Sharon - We are all missing y'all! THAT’S how you say it asshats!

Katya - Ya tebya lublu!

everyone responded - KATYA WE DON’T SPEAK RUSSIAN!

I responded - geez Katya, will you ever learn? Thank you everyone!

I didn’t know if I should add more so I didn’t till I could talk to Vi.

I walked into Vi’s room to find them unhooked to the chemo and sitting up smiling looking at their phone.

They looked a little pale and tired but other than that, they looked almost like their usual self.

“Hey!” I said softly, sitting on the side of the bed and placing my hand on their bent knee.

“Hey! I have to tell you something.” They said, their face looking scared yet determined.

Were they going to tell me they wanted to dump me. Oh God! Oh GOD!


	81. Enlarging the Circle of Secrets

Violet’s POV

I woke up and looked at the clock, I had slept about half an hour and felt a bit better. Danny was still nowhere in sight. I ran my fingers through my hair out of habit and pulled out an entire clump of hair. I felt around my scalp and felt large bald spots. Bye bye beautiful hair! I thought sighing.

Matt came in probably a minute after and took me out of my thoughts with a cheerful hello, and gave me pain meds and left after asking if I needed anything.

My phone kept dinging so I picked it up and looked at the pile of texts my beautiful sisters had sent me. I loved them so. Yes even the ones who got on my nerves.

At the bottom I saw Danny had replied and Phi Phi had added ‘You’re welcome!“ 

Danny must be on his way. I couldn’t help smiling at their love of stupid old me!

"Hey!” Danny said, sitting on the side of the bed, smiling.

“Hey! I have to tell you something.” I was so scared about what I was about to do, but it’s now or never. When I climbed out of the valley of my negative thoughts, I saw Danny looking at me. His face had fallen from his usual goofy grin to pale dread.

“I think it’s time that I told the girls. I was going to wait til later, but they obviously aren’t listening to Michelle and texting us. It’s been a week and I just don’t want to hide it from them anymore. I don’t want the fans to know yet, but I don’t know why they shouldn’t know. I also texted my Mom to call me.” I smiled at them. 

He reached over and hugged me hard against him.

“Geez I’m glad I had pain meds!” I said sarcastically.

He tried let me go immediately, “Oh my God I’m sorry!”

I hugged him back, not letting him go. “I just had pain meds, so I’m good.” I joked and he looked relieved.

“I’m gonna text them and see if we can facetime all together. Would you mind firing up my laptop and grabbing me a hat?” I said, when he gave me a weird look I reached up and tugged a hunk of my hair and most of it came out.

“Good point” he said “Although you look beautiful with or without hair my dear!” He said, caressing my cheek and kissing my forehead, then giving it a lick.

I burst out laughing, forgetting everything else for even just that moment.

“You are such a fucking weirdo and I lesser than 3 you!” this was a step in the direction of the words I love you but I'd never said that to a boyfriend and meant it before. Danny deserved for me to mean it.

“I lesser than 3 you too!” He said, his eyes twinkling, looking one hundred shades of relieved. He bounced up and rummaged around in the suitcase that I still hadn’t unpacked.

I texted the gang.

Violet - Hey gays! Are 'yous’ all able to get together today to facetime with us? I know, shocker, Adore and I are in the same place.

Bianca - we shall hold a tribunal and get back to you!

“B responded first, I think they are going to coordinate their schedules and get back to us. Is this the right choice?” I felt ill again, and I didn’t know if it was chemo or nerves.

“Honey you have nothing to worry about! You can always change your mind, and we can say we ran off somewhere to get married?” He joked.

“I’ll keep that in mind.” I laughed.

He came over and opened my laptop, and put it on the rolling table at my feet. He had his head cocked to the side like he was a puppy thinking too hard. He had one of his hats in one hand and a red oversized square bandana that I usually put around my neck in the other.

“Do you trust me?” He said seriously.

“Um yeah bitch, why what are you thinking?” I furrowed my brow.

“One minute.” he was focusing so hard on my hair that he had part of his tongue sticking out one side of his mouth. I kept laughing at his expression which led to more hilarious focusing face which made me laugh more.

“Sit Violet! Stay Violet!” I stuck my tongue out like a puppy but tried to keep my head as still as possible.  
His face was inches from mine but he was too focused on what he was doing to notice me studying his face and smiling like an idiot.

“Why do you make me feel so light?” I blurted.

“Well you ARE like 2 pounds soaking wet in drag bitch! There, go look in the mirror and tell me if I’m fired.” He said pointing his thumb towards the bathroom. I got up, plucking a red and black striped long sleeve shirt from my bag.

I looked in the mirror and smiled so big I thought my face might crack. Danny had put my hair into a mini beehive, almost completely covered by a thick band of red. I turned around slowly and nodded.

“Great Job!” I said loudly and quickly changed my shirt.

“We got a new text on the group message. They said give them 5 minutes and they will call us when they are all together!” Danny yelled while I brushed my teeth. I came out and sat on Danny’s lap and gave him a long kiss. By the time we broke apart, we were both out of breath. He grinned at me lazily. I scooched over onto the bed and he kept his arm around me.

“Am I doing the right thing?” I said, pulling my knees up to my chest and starting to worry again. I did not add people into my circle of secrets well. Never had.

“I think that you are. I want you to be sure. We can still pretend the marriage thing though. I’m just saying, if you want to keep your options open!” he said.

I opened my mouth to reply when my laptop started ringing.

Well fuck!


	82. Breaking Hearts, Vases and Pizza

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love writing from Katya’s POV and I love writing about the unholy sober trinity of Alaska, Katya and Miss Fame.

Katya’s POV

We were all sitting on the end of the bed, or standing behind so we all smooshed into the frame hopefully.

For a minute I thought they weren’t going to answer, but then it said it was connecting. I wrapped my hand around Lasky’s slender wrist, the small boned queen was looking pale and worried as she bit her lip.

We were all on edge and it seemed to take forever to connect. We all knew this had to be something big from seeing Michelle’s gloomy mug all week.

“Fuck me g'day! I’ll be 80 by the time this connects!” Bianca said frustratedly.

Suddenly, Adore and Violet popped up on the screen. In an instant, I knew where they were. There was a panel with oxygen and suction if needed. They were at a hospital. Violet was wan and slightly green but their hair was coiffed and they were smiling nervously. Adore’s arm was slung around their shoulders as if radiating support through touch.

“Bitch I thought you WERE 80!” Vi joked.

“Nooo Vi you’re wrong, she’s 102 she just has evil magical abilities to look younger by making a deal with the devil!” Willam joked and all of us laughed. There was something in Vi and Adore’s faces that seemed like their cheery disposition was a complete façade.

Vi’s hand went up to do their characteristic ‘I’m-nervous-and-I-would-rather-be-a-bitch-than-be-weak’ hand through the hair but reconsidered.  
“Ok first of all, I want to make it perfectly fucking clear, this information goes fucking nowhere! Not to any of the other queens and definitely NOT to the fans. Understand?”

There was a chorus of “yeps” “Ummms” and nods.

“Did you get a bad case of the crabs requiring medical treatment?” Willam joked.

Vi’s face stayed stoney. Oh shit is mother fucking real.

“No, as a matter of fact,” Violet stared, fire glinting in her eyes. Adore gave them a little squeeze and they took a deep breath and ploughed on with a less angry disposition….“I have cancer.”

My jaw dropped, Lasky burst into tears, there were several gasps from the back. Pearl just looked like she was in disbelief. She started to get up to bolt out of the room in typical Pearl fashion, running from anything that caused too much emotion. Michelle was standing behind her grabbed her shoulders and whispered in her ear and she relented and sat back down.

“When? How?” I rasped, emotion stuck in my throat like a barrier.

“It runs in my family. I have been hiding symptoms for a while but I convinced myself I just had the flu. I would have just kept convincing myself till it was too late.” They hung their head and Adore whispered something in their ear and they shook their head. They lifted their head and said “I know you bitches have a billion questions. Go ahead!”

We all started asking questions at once and Adore put up her hand.

“Okay, Okay, Okay! Stop!” Adore said “How about we go one at a time. Pretend you’re in grade school and raise your hands and Vi will answer them.” She suggested.

Lasky was still bent over but her tears seemed to be lessening. I put my hand on her back.

“Go for it Fame!” Vi said with a small smile.

“Are you gonna be okay?” the worried looking queen asked. “I mean are you getting treatment?”

“I hope I’m gonna be okay! I mean no one can say with 100% accuracy! But I AM getting treatment. I didn’t get this accoutrement for nothing!” They said, pulling their shirt down to show 2 tubes that ran straight under their skin. It sent a shiver through me because implanted medical shit meant business. “I’m getting chemo and hopefully that will do the trick.” They said with an attempt at a reassuring smile.

“What kind of cancer is it?” a pale Pearl asked.

“I have Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia, but it was caught pretty early so the outlook is good. It’s when the white blood cells don’t fully form before they enter the bloodstream from the bone marrow called blasts. My blast load was only 30%. Lack of appetite, nosebleeds, fevers, dizziness, fatigue, and the nightmares are all symptoms. They should all go away once I recover.”

“Are you in Atlanta? What hospital are you at so we can send you stuff?” I asked.

Adore and Vi looked at each other and burst out laughing. I was confused.

Once they stopped giggling like school girls, Vi said “I’m in Glendora, near Azusa. I’m at the Glendora Children’s hospital.” They said, amused.

“Children’s hospital?” a bunch of us looked confused. I’m glad I wasn’t the only one that looked perplexed.

“So long story short, my doctor in New York suggested my case to a great doctor here who studies hereditarily linked A.L.L. The only downside is that she is only able to have rights to work at this children’s hospital.”

“So you are literally teaching the children!” Willam cracked.

“Actually this could be a huge blessing,” Adore said earnestly, “Almost no one knows us here! One of the nurses and one of the patients that Vi met, know who we are and both have promised not to utter a word.”

Vi was fidgeting and getting greener and greener. I have never seen someone be that green before.

“Hello Lovelies!” A cheerful sounding guy offscreen said “Oh I’m sorry! Do you want me to come back?”

“Matt get your ass over here and drug me the fuck up! Oh and meet the lady boys.” Vi said pointing to the computer screen.

“Oh my gosh! Hi everyone!”

We all waved.

“Oh gooood, you’re medicating Violet, smart move to deal with her.” Sharon joked and we all laughed.

After Matt put some medicine in the tubes with a syringe, he gave a very gay and very starstruck wave and left.

“So how long are you going to be in the hospital? Can we send you anything? Do you need anything?” Alaska said in a soft voice and I noticed the total absence of any drawl in her voice. Shit was serious.

“Well if everything goes well and there are no complications, I should be out of the hospital in 3-4 weeks, and I should be able to come back to work in around 3-6 months. You don’t have to send anything, I have all that I need.” They said, looking deep into Adore’s eyes. Awww “Although I should probably tell you that no plants or flowers are allowed.”

“Why?” Jinkx said softly.

“Because people on Chemo, particularly people who have been on it for awhile now or people with leukemias have lowered immune systems and flowers can sometimes carry bacteria or fungi that can make someone very sick.”

When Vi blinked, I noticed that every other blink took a bit longer for them to open their eyes again.Vi kinda slumped into Adore, totally asleep.

“Oh my God. are they okay!?” Phi Phi said with a look of panic on her face.

Adore waved a hand at them, Adore leaned them back on the bed and their head lolled backwards so Adore put a pillow behind their head and said, “Oh yeah, they’re fine. The meds generally knock them out pretty quickly. Don’t worry!”

“How are you Adore?” Bianca said.

“I’m fine,” Adore lied, looking at Vi like they hung the moon. Her chin was quivering and she rubbed her eyes like a 5 year old at nap time.   
Bianca gave her the patent pending 'Really Queen?’ stare down.

“I just worry, a lot, like constantly. You know I’ve had a crush on Vi for forever B! It’s stupid but I keep thinking I caused this because I fuck everything up.” Adore put her head down for a minute.

“Listen to me Adore. Pretend I’m a voice of reason,” Willam said, chuckling. “Adore look at me, you didn’t cause this! You are such a wonderful person and you didn’t cause this. You can’t cause cancer bitch. They are VERY lucky to have you, not just right now, but always.” Willam was actually tearing up a bit.

“Adore, do you have any support there?” Michelle asked, ever the Mama bear.

“Um yeah, my Mom visits and brings me food, and there is a group here I was kind of voluntold to go to by Matt for caregivers. I’m not sleeping much, but I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else if this is what has to happen. I would rather worry here where I can watch over them than on the road. I’m sorry the fans are so pissed though, I can tell it’s eating away at Vi too.”

“Do you think Vi will tell the fans at some point?” I asked.

“I think so, I mean eventually. If they want to.” She shrugged. “Listen, it’s big that they are letting you know. It’s a huge deal actually. I’m very proud of them.”

“Us too love. I’m so sorry Adore but guys, we should probably go. Sorry honey!” Michelle said.

Everyone started saying their goodbyes.

I was the last. “Proshchav!” I said then grinned.

“Katya, we don’t speak Russian!” everyone said in a low tone so they wouldn’t wake up the sickly queen.  
We all waved, and I pressed the disconnect button since Adore’s arm was still around Vi and she couldn’t reach.

When the call disconnected, we sat there for a long time in stony silence. Alaska let out a long held-in sob.  
“Oh my God! I don’t believe it! I refuse to believe it! Why is this happening?” She said in anguish, shaking her head and bringing her hands up to her face. I put my arms around my friend. Almost everyone but Pearl, one-by-one, were folded into the hug, almost all of us were crying. Except Pearl of course and strangely Miss Fame. Pearl just looked angry as usual. That girl needed a therapist! Or five!”

“Get your ass over here girl!” I said, grabbing Pearl’s arm and pulling her over to the hug. Fame put her arm around her, pulling her in.

Eventually Willam said “Okay, fess up! Did someone cut the cheese!?”

“Whoever smelt it, dealt it!” I said childishly.

We broke apart laughing and crying.  
We all split up and Fame, Alaska and I headed to our room.

Fame sunk down on the bed when we got into the room. She wasn’t crying or anything, she was looking straight forward like a robot.

I was going to ask her if she was okay, but the words got stuck between my brain and my lips. It was a super stupid thing anyway, of fucking course she wasn’t okay. It was kinda scaring me that “the crying queen” of my season was sitting there completely apathetic.

Alaska and I shared a worried look and Alaska gave me a head jerk that plainly said “get your ass over there”.

“I’ll be right back,” she mumbled, looking a bit shell-shocked herself as she softly closed the door behind her.

I had two seconds to wonder where she’d gone before I jumped on the bed beside Fame. She still didn’t respond, and the feeling of panic rose in my chest.

“Fame?” I squeaked.

No response.

“Chicken lady?” I tried, which usually made her laugh.

No response.

“Kurtis?”

No response. Practically catatonic.  
Fuck Fuck Fuckity Fuck! I got down on my knees so I was right in front of her.

“Kurtis?!” I yelled.

She finally shook her head and I let out a relieved sigh. Her face crumpled into wracking sobs. I sat beside her and grabbed her in a big hug. When she pulled away, her eyes were bloodshot. She opened and closed her mouth a few times, maybe my words getting caught between my brain and mouth thing was contagious?

Before I could open my mouth and try to fill her brain with fake platitudes, she linked her hands together and looked down at them in her lap.

“We kissed once, Vi and I.” She whispered quietly. “I haven’t really gotten a chance to talk with them since. I don’t even know who kissed who but our friendship is fucked and now we might not get…”

“Stop!” I said, shaking her slightly. “Cancer does NOT mean you don’t have time! Vi’s too stubborn to…go anywhere!” I finished lamely. “I mean, maybe you can text them to set up a facetime? Or just call them. It will be fine hun. Don’t worry!” I said squeezing her knee.

The door flew open, making us jump. Alaska’s twiggy body silhouetted in the doorway. Her hands were full so I jumped up to help.

“I thought we should talk about our feelings or eat our feelings or do both at the same time!” She said feigning calmness “I got pizza, non alcoholic beer, some soda, chips and gummy Russians.” She winked and I laughed.

“What?” Fame said, looking perplexed.

“It’s just an indication we’ve spent waaaaay too much time together!” I said, throwing a pillow at Alaska, who crouched down like a cat. The pillow missed her and knocked over a lamp. “Damn!” I said, trotting over and righting the lamp again. I did the olympic gymnast like hand signal and said “Safe landing 10/10! No repeat of NYC!”

Alaska laughed and turned to Fame “In NYC, Katya broke a vase full of roses.”

“Did not!” I yelled, picking up the pillow and whacking her on the head.

“Stooop! You’re gonna break my face like you broke that vase!”

We both looked up at Fame like she was the referee.

“You guys don’t get out much do you?” she just shook her head amusedly.

“Guilty!” Alaska and I said at the same time, raising our hands.

“Let’s break some pizza!” Miss Fame said, and we all happily filled the paper plates Lasky had brought and sat down to eat and talk.


	83. Classified Information

Adore POV

I opened my eyes slowly, not knowing where I was for a moment. My arm was all pin’s and needles. I tried to move it and couldn’t. I looked over and Violet was staring at me with a weak but goofy grin on their face.

“Were you watching me sleep?” I started to sit up, and their deceptively strong thin fingers pushed down on my chest so I laid back down.

“Maybe I was, maaaybe I wasn’t. I’m afraid that’s classified information, strictly on a need-to-know basis and YOU don’t need you to know!” They said with a grin, playfully walking their fingers up my chest and bopping my nose softly.

I smiled, grabbing their hand and laying it palm down on my chest over my heart. They sighed peacefully, pressing their ear over my heart.

“You seem like you’re feeling a bit better.” I said.

“I feel like there is a weight that has been released off my shoulders. You were right, and I’m glad I told them.” Their voice rumbled my chest with the vibration of their words.

“Can you say that one part again?“ I said laughing.

They shifted so they were laying on my arm again, looking at me in confusion.

"What part?”

“You know, the part where you said I was right. That was the part.” I said cheekily.

They threw their head back and laughed. I mean a real laugh. The kind that makes their face glow and makes them so bright it’s like willfully staring into the sun. I wanted to make them laugh like that for eternity. Even dangerous traitor cells and being pumped with chemicals didn’t dull their shine.

They slapped me playfully on the chest then grabbed my shirt, pulling me in for a long kiss and ending with an eskimo kiss.

I smiled crazily even though my faulty emotional brain was sowing doubts in my head.

“What just happened there?” Vi asked apprehensively.

“What do you mean?” I said smiling, even though my thoughts that I would never be good enough battered my brain.

“Your eyes. I can tell when you aren’t truly happy or something is bothering you. Some others just see your happy go lucky self and think it’s true all the time but you have a tell too.” They said looking concerned.

“Why are you with me? You could be with anyone, but you are with me. I’m not beautiful like you. My drag is so unpolished. I’m so self conscious while you exude confidence. You are so fucking smart and I am so stupid. Plus I’m…”

They cut off my tirade by putting a finger to my lips.

“Danny fucking Noriega, listen to me VERY carefully,” they said firmly enunciating, holding my face in their hands and wiping the tears I didn’t know I was shedding off of my cheeks. “You are beautiful. You are so kind and generous. Your drag is amazing, I am so envious of it. I wish I could go out in a tank and cut offs and have the fans love me. You deserve to be confident about your amazingness. My confidence isn’t always as strong as I make it out to be, it’s a wall sometimes. You are so smart, honestly, you have such amazing and creative ideas and no one who writes songs like you do can be stupid. Does that makes sense?”

“Yeah but…“

"No ‘yeah buts’ about it. I’m with you because I’ve wanted to be with you from the moment we met in Atlanta. You are magical Danny, and I like you. A lot.” They said curling into me and putting their head on my chest.Your heart is so pure and wonderful, and you love people so easily, and I admire that about you.”

I put my hand on their back, and rubbed slow circles with my thumb.  
“I like you too,” I croaked out. I knew Vi wasn't ready so I didn't say I love you and I didn't want them to feel uncomfortable if they couldn't say it back.

“How did I get so lucky?” we both said to each other at the same time. I could feel the low rumble of their chuckle, and then they yawned.

“Just because I can’t see your face doesn’t mean I didn’t know that you just yawned. Did you get any sleep?”

“I must have woken up shortly after you fell asleep because my screen saver on my computer hadn’t come up yet.” They said, yawning again.

“Okay it’s time for me to watch over you. Go to sleep Jason.” I hummed a tune that I hadn’t put words to yet. It was a ballad, but it had a haunting quality to it that I just couldn’t get out of my head. As I continued to hum it, lyrics came into mind with wild intensity.

Our love is like a polaroid,  
Developing fast and bright.  
I’m amazed at your love of me  
Your light shatters my night.

Though I often doubt myself,  
And you seem so damn sure,  
You listen to my heart beats  
and say my heart is pure.

You smile when I say I don’t deserve you,  
And I’m full of doubt and fear.  
How did I ever get this lucky?  
my heart smiles knowing you’re near.

And even when the shadows looming  
I will always help you fight.  
I will stay right by your side  
The light that shatters your night.


	84. Bonnie the Sandwich Queen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I

Bonnie’s (Adore’s Mom) POV

I had just arrived and headed into Vi’s room when I heard Danny’s beautiful voice singing a song I’d never heard before.

And even when the shadows looming  
I will always help you fight  
I will stay right by your side  
I’ll be the light that shatters your night

He stopped singing, and I waited a minute or so. I didn’t want to interrupt whatever moment they might be having. I knocked softly on the door and opened it to peek in. Danny was laying on the bed with Vi’s head on his chest. He must not have heard me knock because he was looking down and watching over them with such a gentle look on his face. He looked up suddenly and I smiled. I felt a twinge of guilt for interrupting such a beautiful moment.

“Hey honey!” I whispered, and he gave me a one arm hug, being careful not to jostle the slumbering queen that we both adored. Vi has always been tiny, but in this moment they looked like a small frail child curled up in a tight ball. Their favorite shirt which, was usually slightly form fitting, looked like it was 2 sizes too big.

“Have they been eating anything? Have you?” I asked, concerned.

“They’ve been pretty sick the past day or two. No way to really know if they are going to keep reacting so violently to the chemo. They are getting round-the-clock pain and nausea medication, but still seem to have no appetite.” Danny said, frowning.

“Maybe they’ll eat some of the food I bought, or I can go and get anything!” I said hopefully.

“Did you bring any sandwiches?” Danny said raising his eyebrows.

“Of course! I brought a new one I tried out yesterday. It’s eggs and maple bacon and the bread is french toast! It’s pretty great if I do say so myself!”

“When did you making weird sandwiches start? I can’t remember.”

“Well,” I said thinking for a moment “I think you were around 5, and you were such a picky eater. So I started coming up with sandwiches that I could hide fruit or protein in. I think the first one I made was the grilled peanut butter, honey and banana. You were getting a lot of growing pains so you needed potassium, but you wouldn’t eat a banana to save your life. Then it just became a challenge to see what different things I could put together that tasted good.”

Vi stirred and opened their eyes sleepily.

“Good morning sunshine! Did we wake you.” Danny said grinning at them.

“Hi, no you didn't,” they whispered. “Hi Bonnie!” They said with a wave.

“How are you dear?” I took their hand in both of mine.

“I’m ok.” They said unconvincingly. “Oh okay, I’m not so okay.”

“Hey it’s totally okay to not be okay dear. Is there anything I can do for you?” I said, wanting to take at least one small bit of burden from them.

“Not really, I’m thankful you can come visit! How was your day?”

“Oh it was fine, same old day. Went to work, came home and made some sandwiches and came here.” I said.

“Sandwiches?” They said looking baffled.

“Ohmigod you need to try one!” Danny exclaimed over-exuberantly.

“I could go for a sandwich maybe.” Vi said and shrugged and sat up.

“Let’s see what I have. oh I also have the other things you asked for in my trunk. I have Danny’s favourite, it’s like a grilled cheese but it’s peanut butter, honey and banana. I have turkey, apple and smoked blue cheese on Rye bread. I have chocolate rubbed grilled steak with arugula lettuce and maldive dressing on naan bread, and then I have the breakfast sandwich, egg and maple bacon on french toast.” I said, putting out my insulated lunch bag.

“They all sound amazing Bonnie! How do I decide?” They said looking astonished.

“Well you don’t have to! Just take half of each and eat what you can?” Danny said brightly.

“I bought 2 of each dear and 4 of Danny’s favourite so there is a lot! It’s what Mom’s do, we overstuff our kids.” I joked.

Danny got us some water, paper plates, and a knife from the kitchenette. Before we could start, Matt came in and gave Vi some meds. 

“Oh good, you’re going to eat something. That’s great!! Bonnie’s sandwiches are awesome!” He said.

“Here love,” I passed him the sandwiches and he swiped a half of a breakfast sandwich.  
“Thanks!” He said “Although technically I’m not supposed to eat when I’m not on break!” He crammed half of it in his mouth and gave us a sandwichy grin.

“We won’t tell!” we all said together, dissolving into giggles. He rolled his eyes and waved us off as he left the room.

Danny put a quarter of each sandwich on a plate and passed it to Vi. “You can always have more, but don’t eat too much at once just in case.”

“I’ll start with the peanut butter, it tastes the same coming back up.” They said nonchalantly. Their face blanched and they covered their mouth. “Sorry that’s what Cassie always said. That’s a pretty gross thing to say as we’re about to eat! Sorry!”

“No worries dear!” I said, relieved that their expression of alarm slowly faded and their colouring came back.  
We dug into our sandwiches and chatted about anything but cancer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I recommend you try a grilled peanut butter, banana and honey sandwich but beware, they are messy!


	85. It's Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lucy is loosely based on myself but not this part of her story. I was raised by alcoholic atheists wouldn't let me grow my hair and hated dresses but let me eat all the sugar I wanted! So a bit different. Lol. 
> 
> I am slightly obsessed about cults like the FLDS and WBC. As well as Amish culture which I do not feel is a cult. All of them punish or excommunicate members who stray from their strict doctrines.

Violet's POV

It had been 2 weeks of treatment and I felt and looked like the walking dead. My hair was almost gone, but I hadn’t worked up the courage to cut the rest. I know it’s only hair, my brain says that, but my heart feels heavy.  
I had reached the point where Danny couldn’t salvage it into any kind of a hair-do. I was wearing a violet beanie today that said Vanguard in black block letters that Bonnie had brought me. I was constantly cold and we had named my barf bucket Ross as it was now my constant companion. Cancer knows no dignity. 

Lately at night, Adore curled up with me both for comfort but also to keep me from shivering all night. I would run my fingers through his soft hair and he would tell me silly stories in an attempt to make me laugh. Some days were easier than others.

At least none of the fans knew. It must have been some kind of miracle that no one had told. 

I was walking down the hall arm and arm with Matt, he was basically holding me up. My joints felt like they were filled with hot coals, but I would rather walk than use a wheelchair. I wouldn’t admit it outloud, but I was finding some comfort in the group meetings. I had opted out of the grief ones, instead deciding to talk one on one with a therapist. I mean c'mon! A cancer patient going to a grief group for people whose cancer patient people have died? Come thruuuu irony!

Matt helped me sit down and took a seat beside me. Almost everyone was there already and there was a new boy who looked about 10. Lucy rolled up beside me, cheerful as always. She was wearing her long red wig with a complicated braid down her back.

“Hey hun, how ya feeling? And don’t tell me fine because I know your BS Missy!” She joked.

“You got me! I’m feeling pretty craptastic girl!”

The rest of the group filed in. Well, almost.

“Where’s Kyle?” I said.

“Oh he’s having surgery, they think they can save his eye! Oh I hope!” Shay said. Shay who’s full name was Shaindel, had a recurrence of AML leukemia. She was looking terrible, and I don’t mean this as a bitchy thing, but as a honest thing. She had a simple long sleeved royal blue dress that made her bags under her eyes look darker, she had a dark brown wig on with the same slouchy head covering over top.  
Dr Nunez had us go around the room and introduce ourselves for the new boy.

“Hi I’m Shaindel, you can call me Shay,” Shay said in a voice barely above a whisper “I have AML and I’m 16. I am not doing so great lately, and my doctors are thinking my best shot is a bone marrow transplant. It’s hard to find the right match because of my jewish heritage and because I’m adopted, none of my family is a match. We are trying to get in touch with my birth family to see if they will possibly donate.” She twisted up her face. “I really hope we find one soon!” She regained her composure and said “I’m done.” quietly.

“Hi I’m Abigail, I’m 24 and just over 6 months in remission from AML,” Abigail reached over and held Shay’s hand. Her white blonde hair is now a florescent pink. “I’m doing okay, I’m struggling with Rosa’s death lately. I had to withdrawal from most of my studies. I am now taking ¼ of the class load of my peers,” she sighed “but the important part is that I keep going. Or that’s what I tell myself at the end of the day.” She flailed at the new boy and said “Go ahead honey!”

“Oh okay! Hi!” he waved a shaking hand dorkily. He was a cute boy but looked very young. He had short brown hair sticking up in a thousand directions and glasses. He looked like Harry Potter’s cousin Barry. “My name is Maddox and I am starting um chemo on Thursday. I have non-hodgkin’s lymphoma, and I was diagnosed about a week ago. It’s taking a bit to get things organized for me to um start. Thank you!” He said smiling weakly and looking nervously towards Lucy.

“Honey you forgot to say how old you are.” Lucy said to Maddox.

“Oh I’m um 14.” He said giving a nervous little laugh.

“Hi my name is Lucy, I’m 18 and I have rhabdomyosarcoma causing a below the knee amputation on the left leg, and mets in my lungs.” She rolled her eyes and gave an expression like do-we-have-to-go-over-this-again. “I am hoping to go to the fair thing at the college next weekend! I’m really excited about it!” She finished. She was looking better than she had all week, that cheeky little grin firmly put back on her face.

“Oh and I’ve been doing well enough in physical therapy that I might be able to start using crutches sometimes!” Her face lit up with excitement, and I thought again how sad it was that something so simple as walking, something most of us took completely for granted, made her Audrey Hepburn look-alike face beam.

“Hi I’m Silvana, I’m 16, and I have Wilms tumour, which is a kidney cancer.” she said shyly. She wasn’t bundled up today, so I could see how thin and delicate her arms were. She was wearing a We The Kings band shirt that seemed impossibly large and a pair of rainbow zebra print tights on her tiny legs. She had her bald head proudly and defiantly on display, wreathed in a string of artificial pastel yellow daisies. Here eyes were still huge, almost anime like. “I got to go to my sister’s wedding!” she wriggled in her chair with excitement “It was be-you-tee-ful! I got to wear a light yellow dress and be an honorary bridesmaid! She hadn’t officially made me a part of the wedding party because..you know,” she shrugged “we didn’t know if I would make it… that day!” she kept throwing furtive glances to the new guy so she didn’t scare him. We’d discussed at length the slim chances she would make it out the other side. She was a mixture of acceptance of her reality and sheer stubborn resistance. in other words, I liked her.

Matt was next, telling us about his success to boost morale.

“Hi I’m Jason,” I said suddenly very interested in my shoes “I’m 23, and I have ALL with a hereditary link. I feel like poop but I guess that’s normal!” I joked. “I’m doing okay. I have a pretty awesome boyfriend and his Mom is awesome too.”

“Not to mention their boyfriend is VERY cute.” Lucy trilled and everyone laughed.

It seemed after group that I adopted a few of the kids to come back to my room. Well the fans called me Mom, maybe I have a maternal instinct somewhere in my cold little heart. Lucy, Shay and I came into the room, Shay and I were kind of holding each other up since Matt had to bolt because of an emergency.

“Well here comes Charlie’s angels!” Danny said brightly.

“See! I told you he was cute!” Lucy told Shay in an over exaggerated whisper.

“Get over here!” Danny said, flinging his arms wide and pulling us all into a hug. I really did have the best boyfriend ever!

“How ya doing Shay?” Danny said, his face going from joyful to concerned in 2.3 seconds. Did I mention I had the best boyfriend? He could sense a meltdown from 1000 miles away and had come to my rescue many times.

“Not so great Danny, the doctor said I need a bone marrow transplant, and that is like last resort level treatment!” she cried, putting a hand up to her mouth “And there aren’t many donors, and many less Jewish ones. Everyone thinks donating takes so much time, but it’s not as much as say donating a kidney, and people should know that it doesn’t take all of your marrow! it just makes me mad.” She seemed to be spent and she sat down hard on the couch.  
Danny plopped down and wrapped his arm around her, “How can I help? What can I do?”

“I don’t know. Maybe share on social media or something! I mean just share bethematch.org, where people can find out info on how to be tested and donate, and people who can’t donate because of their health can always donate money. Even if people just share it, it could get to people who are a match for me. That would help. Sorry for crying!”

“Girl, emotions don’t scare me!” Danny said winking at me. I think that was something Ru said to him on one of the walk throughs.

“Thank you! I have to go. My Mom is coming to pick me up.” She said, taking the tissue Danny offered and mopping her face.

“I’ll walk you out doll,” he said helping her up.

She gave each of us a hug, and her and Danny walked out with his arm slung over her shoulder.

I looked over and saw Lucy’s face which had a greenish tinge to it.

“Do you need Ross?” I said holding out my clean bucket. Normally just mentioning Danny and I named my bucket was enough to make her smile but she was still frowning.  
“What’s up?”

“Did you ever call your Mom?” she said, her face twisting with sadness.

“Yeah. Stop projecting. What’s wrong? Is your Mom not coming to visit?” as soon as I said it, I regretted it. I had never seen Lucy to ever have any visitors. I would know since she spent so much time with us! Dumbass!

“Nope.”

“Oh my God Lucy! I’m so sorry! Is your Mom okay? I mean is she….” I trailed off.

Dumbass! You’re fucking this up so bad! my brain yelled at me, I opened my mouth to pile more shit onto this steaming pile of crap when she put her hand up. 

“Jason, stop. My Mom is alive. No she won’t be visiting me.”

“Huh?” I was so confused.

She sighed and seemed to steel herself. “Jason, I don’t HAVE any family but they are all still alive. I was part of the Fundamentalist Latter day saints cult. You know ugly prairie dresses and complicated braids. My Moms are still in there. None of them will visit me because it’s against the church. I am excommunicated.”

She let me think it over. “Like Rick Warren weirdness? No offence! and Moms?”

"Yeah! No offence taken! I mean I didn’t leave by choice, I was taken out when they did the raid. It took me a long time in therapy before I could wear gentile… I mean normal clothes since I’ve always been covered from neck to toes. yes MomS! I have 6 Moms and 33 siblings. I kinda hoped my Mom mom would come visit. But I am happy I’m out. I can wear pants and eat sugar and watch movies and wear my hair down or short or whatever of I want. Well I’m wearing it in a braid today but not the braid from the church with the giant unattractive bushy tops. The BEST part about having my life ripped out from under me is that my twin and I got to stay together in foster care before we got emancipated. We live together now although he is away. He’s trans, but has always had to dress like a girl, and if he did anything the boys did, he would be punished.” She smiled at the end and I didn’t know what to say.

“Wow!” I said and tackled her in a hug despite how every bone in my body was screaming at the moment. “I’m so sorry Lucy! You’ve been through so much and now this!” I burst out crying, I couldn’t help it.

“No no no! Don’t please!” She said wheeling over to me “Seriously, don’t! It took a long time for me to be okay with it, but when I see my brother happy, when I know I have choices, when I know I won’t be forced to marry some old man I hardly know, then I know that it was the right decision. I know my Mom can’t really visit me because it would be very dangerous, but I still hope she will sometimes, but it’s okay!”

I let her go and sat down gingerly, smiling at her and shaking my head.

“How bad is your pain?” she said, concern immediately registering on her beautiful face.

“Dammit why does everyone know when I’m in pain? It SUCKS!”

“Why is that a bad thing?!” She questioned.

“Because sometimes, okay most of the time, I don’t like to admit if I feel bad, EVER! It makes me feel too vulnerable.” I said putting my head down.

“We are all human, and it is programmed in us from a young age to feel ashamed of negative emotions. It’s okay to let it out.” She said, putting a hand on my knee. She looked over at the clock and said “Shit I gotta go! I’m gonna be late for Physical Therapy! Gotta go!” She gave me a one armed hug and turned around.

I sat on the small window sill, looking out at the beautiful view. Palm trees everywhere and there was a busy freeway that had little ant sized cars. I was only seeing them with my eyes but my brain was far away. 

Poor Shay. I couldn’t imagine being at the mercy of other people’s possible generosity or possible not.

Actually I could, Cassie’s only hope was a bone marrow donation. I was a match, almost identical. Unfortunately it didn’t take fast enough. Another reason why I thought I killed my sister, well I still carry a small sliver of that doubt even today. I sighed. I knew how I could help but I was still wracking my brain to find another way. Any way.

I jumped to the ceiling when Danny put his hands on my shoulders. I groaned, my muscles and joints reminding me they were still there.

“Hey are you okay?” He sat beside the sill facing me. He reached over and wiped my face with his sleeve. I didn’t even know I was crying. He passed me a starbucks. “What’s wrong beloved?”

“I think it’s time Danny.” I said, giving him a look that I hoped conveyed what I meant.

“You sure? When?” His face a mixture of shock and relief but mostly shocked.

“Today, before chemo, after pain meds though.” I said. Bending over slightly. Why did I do this to myself. I was a fucking masochist at heart, I guess.

Danny booted from the room to get Matt.

About 20 minutes later, I was a lot more comfortable. I sat on the couch.

“It’s now or never!” I gulped, taking a sip of water nervously. I felt like my throat was closing.

“Are you sure about this?” Danny said “Because if you’re not ready, it’s okay!”

“No… yes… I don’t fucking know.” I said in frustration. “I just kinda wanna get it over with! It needs to happen so why not now when I could help Shay?”

“You are so brave and I’m so proud of you hun! Tell me when you’re ready.” I rearranged my pink wussy mag T-shirt and vanguard beanie. I left my line out though, welcome to the wonderful world of cancer kids.  
I nodded and Danny pressed record.

“Hi everyone it’s Violet here! I wanted to… fuck start over!” I growled and smacked my forehead, frustrated more than I should have been. My jaw was set and if had enough left, I would be ripping out my hair. I stomped my feet and groaned.

"Vi, you don't have to do this right now."

"Yes, I do. I can help save people's lives and I shouldn't be ashamed I'm sick. "Okay again." In a few tries, I finally got it out!

“Hi guys! Its Violet here! I know you have all been wondering where I was. You are totally right though, Adore is with me. Some of you have been real thirsty for news on social media, and not very nice. You don’t own us and you don’t know the whole story. I am currently getting treatment for cancer in California. I’m doing well, and it was caught early so it’s gonna be okay!” I gave a shaky smile, “You can’t get rid of me that easy bitches! You are stuck with me. I’m so sorry for all the people that were disappointed by our absence. As you can see, we are not sunning somewhere in Bermuda!” I rolled my eyes, doing my best Pearl impression. “Now I need you all to Vanguard up bitches! I have a friend here, named Shaindel, who is in need of a bone marrow transplant to live. Here is how you can help. Check out bethematch.org and see if you can get tested if you are over 18. Even if you aren’t her match, you could still save someone’s life. If you can’t donate, then share the information because that could mean someone who IS a match could see it. If you are Jewish, please share this in your community, as my friend is Jewish, and it’s harder for Jewish people to find matches. Thanks for listening. Send some prayers or light, not just my way, but to all the people with cancer, as well as family and friends who help us.”

Adore plunked beside me and held the camera out. “Hi!”

“Thanks for listening and I hope you understand now that we might have been on a TV show but we are not infallible. Thanks for watching biiiieee!” we both waved and Danny turned the camera off. 

I blew my cheeks out like a puffer fish and then fell apart. Just for a moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shaindel/Shay is based off my friend Rebecca who is still currently awaiting a bone marrow transplant because of Non Hodgkin's lymphoma. She fights with such grace and determination everyday and is one of my heroes. She is one of the greatest, gentlest, wise, loving and beautiful people I have ever known. She had a match once but the person backed out last minute. 
> 
> If you are over 18, I urge you to get tested and give this gift of life, especially if you are of Jewish decent as it is often the hardest to find matches for. Your body will quickly replace the bone marrow that has been taken.
> 
> You can donate stem cells too which usually entails taking injections for a few weeks to produce more cells and then it's pretty much like donating blood.
> 
> I cannot give blood or bone marrow as I am an organ/tissue recipient so I try to donate money every year.
> 
> Bethematch.org


	86. Cold Shivers and Good Books

Adore’s POV

As soon as I pressed end on my phone, Vi’s face kinda fell onto my thigh. It was terrifying how much they were shaking. I thought they were having a seizure! They were crying so hard. They opened their mouth and no sound came out.

There were a few times where they were crying so hard they would stop breathing for what felt like minutes. I was sobbing with them, I felt heartbroken. I just kept repeating.

“It’s okay to cry… let it out honey… I’m so proud of you… it’s okay, ” over and over. I waited it out, wanting so much to make it stop for them but knowing that they needed to cry it out.

Eventually their sobs turned into crying which turned into sniffling.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” They blubbered, sitting up. Their face was red and they were still shedding tears and trying to catch their breath.

“You have absolutely NOTHING to be sorry about! NOTHING!” I reassured them, holding their chin in my hand so they had to look at me. “Nothing! What can I do for you?”

“Post the video before I chicken out please. I’ll give you my youtube info. Then we can post about it with the link… if you don’t mind.” They said weakly but looking determined.

“Oh I mind so very much, absolutely not!” I said with a slight chuckle.

They whacked me across the chest, and I pretended to be injured. “I’m so glad we are in a hospital since you are beating me up!”

“Can you do one more thing for me?”

“Anything!” I smiled.

“Can I have a hug?”

“Of course! Anytime!” I pulled them into a soft hug. They were still shaking. “Are you cold?”

“Mmhmm,” They nodded looking about 5.

“Here,” I grabbed them by the hand to pull them up but their legs were all wobbly. I grabbed them up and spider monkeyed them around my front and carried them over. I lost my footing and fell with them onto the bed. We started to laugh and it felt really good!

“Thank God that I caught myself enough so I didn’t make you into a Violet pancake!” I said, holding myself above Vi.

“C'mere!” They grabbed my face, pulled it down and gave me a long kiss, our tongues getting acquainted with each other's mouths. They tasted like chocolate and coffee. I didn’t want to let them go but they were still violengly shivering.

“Honey, get in bed. I’ll cover you up with all the blankets and snuggle with you. I can even tell you a story if you want.”

“I’d like that!” They scooted up on the bed, and I ran around and grabbed every blanket in the room and then got some heated ones from Matt. I hopped into the bed with them and held them close. I grabbed Harry Potter and started reading.

Once Vi warmed up and stopped shivering, they fell asleep. I checked my phone and saw that the video on youtube was at about 92% uploaded.Then I kept reading ahead on Harry Potter. I had to admit, the book was kinda good!


	87. On the Road Again

Katya POV

We were on the road again, and I was just playing candy crush on my phone and trying to think about nothing, which I was half succeeding at. My phone dinged and it was a youtube notification that Violet had posted a video. Huh?

“Hey guys, it says Vi just posted a video on youtube. Do you think their account got hacked?” I said, furrowing my brow.

“Oh dear! I hope not!” Jinkxy fretted.

“Well let’s watch it bitch! It’s the only way we're going to find out.” Bianca said.

Fame, Alaska,Jinkxy, Phi Phi, and Bianca were all hanging out in the living room while everyone else was sleeping. So we watched it and the room was eerily quiet for a while after. We were all stunned.

“Wow. I can’t believe they just did that!” Fame said, tearing up. “That’s so brave!” Fame looked like hell, I don’t think she’s been sleeping or eating much and I was starting to become concerned. I kept telling her to talk to Vi. No luck so far.

“I can’t even imagine how much nerve that took! I miss them both so much! ” Alaska drawled, her slim face looking sad.

“I can’t believe she told the fans this soon. She must really like this girl. And Vi’s heart grew three sizes that day!” Bianca said.

“Vi is so brave!” Jinkxy said in awe.

“Hey guys, I got an idea!” I exclaimed, sharing the brilliant plan that just popped into my head.


	88. Danny Thinks He Broke Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (AN: I cannot use @ symbol before names as it will tag that person lol so I used @ and then a space at the beginning of names so I don't accidentally tag someone!)

Violet’s POV

My eyes suddenly snapped open, I had thought I had heard someone calling my name. I looked around but no one was there. Danny was conked out beside me with the Harry Potter book spread open on his chest. His head was leaning on my shoulder, and I noticed his phone had dropped between us. I couldn’t reach for my own so I grabbed his. I opened the search engine and logged into my twitter and before I could chicken out I wrote a tweet.

“Hi guys, check out my new youtube video please! You could save a life. Thanks a bunch! Sorry not sorry, you can’t get rid of me!”

Then I checked my notifications.  
@ atlasofflowers  
SEE BITCHES! I TOLD you that something was going on and that @ violetchachki and @ adoredelano didn’t just leave us!! feel better soon Violet!

@ ahatedewindow  
omigod I’m such a horrible person! @ violetchachki I’m so sorry for being a cunt to you!! I hope you didn’t see it! I’m crying so hard right now! I’m so sorry! Lesson learned! I’m sorry!

@ francescadelchachki  
It’s gonna be ok @ violetchachki! I am in my second year of remission from AML! Just had a bone marrow biopsy a few days ago and I’m still NED!! (no evidence of disease!) you got this grrrl!

I clicked the like button and quickly scrolled through her tweets, pics of her in the dreaded blue gown with a big smile on her face. A few tweets down was a timehop from 2 years ago with a slightly skinnier Francesca, but same big smile holding an empty IV bag up, at the bottom of the picture it said LAST CHEMO!!

I clicked follow and almost immediately she tweeted

OMG @ violetchachki JUST FOLLOWED ME!! THANK YOU SO MUCH BB!! I’m here for you if you need anything!

Then I noticed a tweet from the make-a-wish girl.

@ jennalamia  
@violetchachki I’m so sorry you are sick! It sucks!! I hope you feel better soon!

Mark had not emailed me back about where to send her stuff so I shot him off another message.  
I was smiling at all the kind messages I was getting. I hoped that with all these kind messages that some of my 68k followers would share and get tested.

I signed out of my twitter, I opened Adore’s and typed.

My boyfriend @ violetchachki stole my account! Hi guys, it’s Violet! Check out my new youtube video! oh and don’t forget to tell Adore that she is awesome! Shhh this tweet is incognito! lol

There was soft knock at the door, and Matt popped his head in carrying my chemo, I put my finger up to my lips, pointing at Danny. He went out again and came back without the noisy plastic covering and hooked me up.

“I’ll be back in half an hour.” He whispered.

Between the relief of my fans being so supportive and looking at Danny’s adorable sleeping face. Watching him sleep was becoming a habit. I looked up to the chemo bags, half down.

“What are you smiling about?” Adore said making me jump “Sorry! Hey, that’s my phone! Were you looking at my dorky selfies?!”

“Nope but I will now!” I teased clicking the photos button and holding Danny’s phone out of his reach.

“No stawp!” He said giggling.

I looked through 3 or 4 of his photos, they were shots of him in different selfies and a pic of him with Katya and Jinkx in front of the bus from a few weeks ago. I laughed as he squirmed around, reaching for his phone.

“Here ya go and FYI, I totally didn’t go on your twitter and spam your followers to go watch my video, but I think someone hacked in pretending to be me! How dare they!?” I said in mock outrage holding his phone out to him.

“How dare they indeed?” he said and instead of taking his phone, he started to tickle me mercilessly till I couldn’t breathe “Uncle! Uncle!” I rasped out.

I laid back down again, out of breath while Danny sat there with his newly reunited phone, tapping away.

There was a knock at the door, and Matt popped his head in and ran over to me looking concerned. “Are you okay!? Are you having trouble breathing?”

I pointed to Danny “I’m fine, it’s his fault. I think I’m allergic to tickling!” I said putting my hand up to my forehead and pretending to faint. 

The problem was, I was kinda feeling like I could faint and didn’t seem to be able to catch my breath. it felt like little black monsters were eating away at the sides of my vision.

“Jason?” Matt’s face swam before me. I felt him grab a finger and stick it in a pulse-ox (AN: checks the amount of oxygen in the blood) sticking a mask on my face. I felt Danny’s hand gripping mine.

“C'mon back honey!” Danny said, crying.

Things seemed to get sharper again, my full vision restored and I nodded, trying to take off the mask.

“Nuh uh not so fast there!” Matt said. “Keep it on!”

The mask was itchy and the condensation from my breath was making it drip off the mask and onto my face.

“It’s itchy.” I yelled, to be heard through the mask.

“One second.” Matt said, a few minutes later he took off the mask and put the nasal tube one on my face.

“Better!” I sighed, breathing deeply through my nose.

“I’m so sorry Vi!” Danny said horsely, crying.

“Danny calm down! This can be a side effect of chemo.” Mat said reassuringly.

I squeezed his hand and looked at him. His face was 50 shades of red and he was crying and snotting everywhere. He reached around to grab a kleenex, contorting himself so he didn’t have to let go of my hand.

“C'mere hun,” I said, holding my arms out. He hugged me gently like I was spun glass and he was afraid of breaking me. He put his head on my heart, almost like making sure my heart’s still beating. I put a hand up to run my fingers through his hair, whispering “It’s okay… I’m okay… It’s alright Danny!”


	89. Lucy Learns Our Secret

Adore POV

I almost fucking killed my boyfriend.  
I had my head over their chest, listening to their fast heartbeat, and my head rose with their breath. They were running their hands through my hair, and I wondered for a moment if it was a surrogate action since they normally ran their fingers through their own when they were nervous or anxious.

“It’s okay! I’m okay! It’s alright Danny!” they repeated over and over. I was crying so hard that my eyes felt like they were on fire.

I felt a hand on my shoulder “Danny you did NOT do this! Sometimes this happens with chemo, it probably won’t happen again, but we will make sure to monitor the chemo sessions. Sorry Vi, I think you are stuck with me, at least for the next few days.”

“Really? I didn’t do this?” I said, lifting my head up to look at Matt. I had left a huge wet circle on Vi’s shirt. I looked up at them and they had a little smile on their face.

“I’m okay love! Please stop crying.”  
Before I could respond, the door was opened so hard it banged against the door and rebounded.

“Oww dammit!” Lucy said, opening the door gently, when she saw Violet on oxygen she came over with big eyes. “OMIGOD WE’RE TWINS!” She joked. “No seriously, are you okay?”

“I’m fine. Thanks hun!”

“Oh Danny, you are definitely not fine darling! Anything I can do to help?” She said coming over to take my hand. She had on her PJs, but a bright pink bob. She was smiling. I wondered how she wasn’t bitter given that she was yanked out of the only life she had ever known and thrown into a world she had been brainwashed to believe was evil. Jason had told me her and her brother’s story. She was magical.

“Earth to Adore, come in Adore.” Jason said looking bemused.

“Who’s Adore?” Lucy said looking confused.

Matt, Vi and I started laughing.

“Alright, I guess it’s time!” Vi chuckled.

“As much as I wanna stay for this, I’m on for med rounds. Press the nurses button or Danny come get me if you get short of breath or anything okay?” He said sternly with one hand on his hip.

“Yes Sir!” I said, saluting him.

After he left, Vi turned their attention to Lucy.

“Lucy we are both men who dress like women for a living.”

“It’s called being a drag queen right?”

“Yep. We had to leave an international tour when I got sick. We were both on a reality TV show for drag queens so we are really well known in the LGBTQAPI+ community, and the show is getting more and more mainstream now.

Danny’s drag name is Adore Delano and he is a pretty awesome musician, he was part of the top 3 of his season. My drag name is Violet Chachki, and I won my season.” Vi said with a little grin. “I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you before, I was kinda trying to fly under the radar. I should have trusted you. I told the fans though and told them to get tested for the bone marrow registry so hopefully between our almost 300 thousand followers sharing and all our sisters from the show will probably share too.”

“So essentially, I’m hanging out with two famous people?”

“Nah! We are just regular folk with awesome jobs and cool fans,” I said waving my hand at her.

“Yeah like I said, famous!” she laughed.

“Danny calls it gaymous. Do you wanna see some of our performances?” Vi asked.  
So we spent the rest of the afternoon, watching videos. Including my stage dive splat, which made her laugh.

“I have a scar on my knee!” I said melodramatically.

“Well I have cancer!” she said and I couldn’t tell if she was being serious or not. Her and Violet shared a look and then dissolved into giggles.

“I totally got you!!” She said lifting her arm and high fiving Vi.

“Yeah, you got me!” I said chuckling and shaking my head, “Do ya wanna see the scar though?”


	90. Vanguard Bitches!

CW death

Violet’s POV

The group was just sitting around in silence, looking at our hands or feet or the empty chair in the circle. I kept squirming slightly. Between needing oxygen for most of my chemo sessions now, barfing every 5 minutes and feeling like my joints were filled with fire, it was not a good past 5 days. Matt and Danny almost convinced me to use a wheelchair today but I was too stubborn. My pain meds had been increased yesterday and it seemed to be helping a bit. Danny and Lucy ganged up on me to tell Matt that my meds weren’t cutting it anymore.

“I think we should start.” Dr Nunez said, everyone ignored her. “I know everyone is upset about Silvana. Let’s talk about it.” She said gently.

Silvana had been getting steadily worse the last week. She was in and out of consciousness when I visited.

“Hey J!” She said with a small smile.

“Hey baby.” I said softly, tears springing up in my eyes.

“Don’t! Don’t honey! Don’t cry please. I’m ready. I know God is preparing a room for me in His house and Rosa will be there waiting. No more dialysis. No more pain baby. I fought like fuck and I don’t regret anything. Don’t be sad Jason, you will see me again a LONG time from now, when you’re all wrinkly. I guarantee that!” She looked so damn pale. I noticed a bottle of pink nail polish on the bedside table and smiled. I painted her nails and talked about inconsequential things like what kind of flowers her sister had at her wedding. 

When her Mom came in, I gave Silvana a quick hug and then surprised her Mom with one too, eliciting a small smile from her.

“Okay guys, we need to talk about this. Sitting here is doing nothing, and you know Sil would reem us out if she were here. Yes we’re sad, but sitting here doing nothing is not helpful in the slightest!” Lucy blurted out. She twanged extra harshly when she was angry or frustrated. 

“Well everyone knows each other so why don’t we talk about how we are feeling. Either how you’re feeling with treatment or how you are doing with Silvana being so ill.”

I scoffed, fueled by anger at the unfairness of a 16 year old child dying. “She’s not JUST ill, she is DYING!” I said a bit too loudly.

Lucy put her hand on my knee “Easy Jason.” She whispered, looking concerned.

“It’s okay to be angry Jason!” Dr. Nunez said patronisingly.

The only thing that was keeping me from snapping back was Lucy’s small hand on my knee. I reacted badly under pressure, I know this. I pinched the bridge of my nose and sighed. “I’m sorry!”

“You have nothing to be sorry about Jason.” Dr. Nunez said gently.  
So we talked about the stages of grief, and then we told silly stories about moments we have had with Silvana, who was actually hilarious…IS actually hilarious.

“I admired that she went without a wig or hat! I want to have enough balls to do that.” I said, I took my beanie off and rubbed my bald head. I had finally let Danny shave off the remnants of hair that were as stubborn as me. I cried for about an hour afterwards. Danny just held me and told me that I was and always will be beautiful. I kinda believed him, but I kinda didn’t. But right now, I felt beautiful.

On the way back to the room, I had to stop a few times. Matt had the most silly grin on his face that I worried about his mental health for a moment. I kept shooting him weird looks.

“HERE YA GO JASON.” Matt said a little loudly and then lowered his voice. “Do you want me to walk you in?” He said, looking around like he had to go.

I waved him off “Nah go ahead!” and hobbled into the room. The washroom door was closed so I said, “I’m back love!”

“Kay!” Danny said “Be right out!”  
I threw my beanie on the bedside table and curled up in my bed. I wasn’t gonna put it on today unless my head got cold. I looked at my reflection on my phone and before my brain could yell at me, I stuck my tongue out.

Danny came out in a bright pink beanie and with a stupid grin on his face, which made me have a stupid grin on my face.

“Hey beautiful! How was group?” he said, picking up my hand and kissing it.

“You’re a dork!”

“What does that say about you then, dating a dork?” Danny joked. “Oh wait, I forgot something in the bathroom! be right back!” he jumped up, looking like a big kid.

I closed my eyes for a minute and when I opened them, a little bald person was standing over me. I blinked a few times, sure that what I was seeing was a figment of my imagination.

“Ongina?” I said surprised and confused, she was in full drag and had a headpiece made of a bunch of Ace of hearts cards and poker chips.

“Hey bitch! I brought you something!” she said, plopping a red box on my lap. I opened it and there was a crown of violets with multicoloured butterflies scattered throughout. It had deep purple plumes coming out of the top.

I gasped “Oooh it’s beautiful! Thank you!” putting it on and smiling from ear to ear.  
“I have to grab something real quick, be right back!” Danny said, jumping up and leaving the room.

“So how are you doing love?” Ongina said.

I opened my mouth to respond when I heard someone quietly say “Did somebody call for a hooker? or hookers!”

Katya walked into the room followed by Fame, Pearly, Bianca, Alaska, Sharon, Jinkx, Phi Phi and Willam. I laughed because they were all wearing violet beanies with ‘Vanguard Bitches’ on the front. For a minute I was self conscious about my bare head but then I shook it off.

Everyone was giving me gentle hugs. Danny must have told them I was in pain but I was too happy to see them to be upset by it.

We were all happily chattering when everyone started scratching at their heads.

“Do y'all have lice or something?” Danny said with an Elvis lip curl.

“GOTTA HAVE HAIR TO HAVE LICE!” They all said together, whipping their hats off all at once to reveal bald heads. Danny pulled off his ridiculous pink beanie and his hair was gone too. I put my hand up to my mouth, tears falling down my face. 

Fame, as usual, was crying along with Katya, Alaska, Jinkx, Bianca and surprisingly Pearl had her face crumpled up with tears. Willam was even getting choked up.

“Well I guess they are gonna have a lot of extra shampoos at the hotels!” I joked. My stomach was starting to churn and I hoped I wasn’t going to need Ross the bucket in front of my amazing friends.

“Nah Katya will probably steal them!” Alaska said, jabbing Katya in the ribs.

“NET!” Katya said, looking offended!

“KATYA! WE DON’T SPEAK RUSSIAN!” we all said together, bursting into laughter.

“Did you save the hair? You could make a lovely scarf!” Willam said ryely.

There was a knock on the door. Matt popped his head in. “Can I come in?” He looked so happy that he might burst.

Katya went and dragged him in.  
“Wow! You guys look great!”

“Hiiieee!” Alaska said, waving.

Matt was introduced to all the girls and I realised Danny must have been sending messages to them because they all thanked him for how helpful he was and knew he was a fan. They were all chatting with him about how he liked his job and how his boyfriend was.

I was having a fog moment, going in and out of the convo. Just smiling and nodding along. Most of everyone’s words were kind of ricocheting off me, I caught about a tenth of the conversation.

“WELL LOOK AT THE TIME!” Katya said loudly, catching my attention. She was standing right beside me and I jumped a little. Everyone looked at her and then at me. There was a bunch of nods and yeses, everyone gave Adore and I hugs.

“We’ll be back a little bit later loves!” Ongina said, giving my knee a little squeeze.

“Sorry guys!” I said, sighing. I was too tired to be too frustrated with my body though.

“Don’t be sorry at all girl!” Bianca said.

It wasn’t till they left that I wondered why or how they had gotten here.  
Danny came over and sat on the side of the bed, I ran my hand over his hairless head. “You didn’t have to get rid of all your hair for me!”

He snuggled up next to me and whispered in my ear. “When are you going to realize I will do anything for you Jason?”


	91. But I Don't Wanna Sleep!!!

Katya POV

We climbed out of the ubers and I fished the key to our rental house out of my pocket. None of us had bothered to put our hats back on and I’m sure it looked odd to have a pack of bald men parading out of the children’s hospital. I turned the lock and we walked into the hum of the air conditioning.

I had come here on an earlier flight than everyone else, I met the house owner and got the key and then went grocery shopping, I didn’t buy alcohol because they could all get their own damn alcohol! When they got in, I met them at the local barber and Ongina and I took all the luggage to the house and plopped them in the foyer.

We had 3 glorious days off and even though we spent every fucking day together, we all got along pretty well. I had managed to find an 8 bedroom house near downtown. Fame’s husband had come to visit since Fame had wanted to come instead of going to NYC like she was supposed to. The house was huge, so most of us had our own rooms except Phi Phi and Pearl had one of the rooms with 2 beds and Alaska and I inhabited the other. Alaska and I had an easy friendship, and I enjoyed her company.

“I’m gonna put my bags in my room and in about an hour, I’m gonna go walk around downtown, maybe get coffee if anyone wants to come along. If you want to, you can put your drag bags in the office room around the corner if they’re gonna take up too much space.” I said, hefting my duffel bag onto my shoulder, I started up the stairs I plunked myself and my bag down on one of the beds. I laid back and thought, which is usually my demise.

Vi looked so happy when we came in but it was hard not to see their disease. I saw it because they had lost weight on their already tiny frame, I saw it in the bluish tinge under their eyes from lack of sleep, I saw that they squirmed around a lot and I wondered if that was because they couldn’t find a comfortable position, like they were in pain. Near when we left, they were turning pale and green and looked so so tired.

But they still had that sparkle in their eye and that acerbic wit. They were still Violet though and I don’t know if I would handle their situation with even a quarter of the grace they were handling it with.

“Hey gurl, you okay?” Alaska asked, sitting on the edge of her bed across from me.

“Yeah, just thinking.” I said and sighed.

“Who said you could do that?” Alaska joked, throwing her pillow at me.

“Guuurl you do NOT want to start that war again!” I said and chuckled “let’s go find some caffeine! and sugar! My two favorite food groups!” I said, flailing my arms around.

When we went downstairs and most of the queens were sitting in the large living room, through the big glass doors I could see I could see PhiPhi, Pearl, and Willam sunning by the pool. Jinkx, Bianca and Ongina came up to Alaska and I and we headed out. We walked a few blocks down and found a lovely little coffee shop, we all ordered and sat out in the sun.

“Oh shit! Y'all need to remember to put sunscreen on your heads when you go outside! Learned that the hard way.” Ongina laughed. She was still wearing her headpiece and couldn’t give a fuck what anyone thought of her. We were all getting odd looks and we kept giggling because of it.

“Poor Violet!” Jinkx said, putting their elbows on the table and their chin in their hands.

“I know hun,” Alaska said, putting a hand on Jinkxy’s shoulder. “But you know Vi, they’re a scrapper! They’re gonna be fine!”

“Did you see their face when we all took off our hats!? I wish we had a picture of that!” I said.

“Now you know damn well Vi wouldn’t let you take their picture when they aren’t looking well!” Bianca said giving me a ‘really queen’ look.

“True!” I admitted.

We walked back linked arm-in-arm, chatting and stopping in at the boutiques on the way.

When we got back to the house, Fame and her husband whom we called Mr Fame were bustling around in the kitchen making an early dinner before we headed back to see Vi and Adore. Gurl could throw down in the kitchen!

A few hours after dinner, Adore texted B and asked if only a few of us could go instead of the whole group so Bianca, Pearl, Alaska and I walked over.

When we got there, Violet looked even worse than this afternoon. When we arrived, Matt was just disconnecting them from the chemotherapy. They had Oxygen on, and I felt very scared for them.

“I’ll be back in 5 with meds okay?” Matt said and shuffled out of the room.

“Hey girl hey!” I said softly “Can I sit?” I said pointing to the end of the bed. They nodded and I sat cross legged facing them. They winced with the small amount of movement I made. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Are you in a lot of pain? Do you want me to get off?”

“No you’re fine, Matt’ll come in in a few minutes to give me meds.” Vi was sitting cross legged with a bucket on their lap, they were hugging it like it was a long lost friend. Pearl and Alaska had pulled up chairs and B and Adore were talking about something in the corner.

Vi buried her head in the bucket for a few minutes, when they were finished Alaska handed them some kleenex and went to take the bucket but Vi shook their head.

“There is another Ross bucket in the bathroom if you wanna help Vi change them out.” Adore said, she had seemed like she was deep in conversation with B but I guess she was paying attention.

“Ross bucket?” Pearl asked.

Vi laughed “I named my bucket after a really bad ex.”

There was a soft knock at the door, and Matt breezed in with a handful of syringes without needles. Alaska looked at me, and I gave her a look back. I was actually in a good place today. Vi pulled out the tubing from under their shirt.

“Can I talk to you for a second in private about your meds?” Matt said.

Vi waved their hand at all of us and said “You can say anything in front of these gays!”

Matt smiled and nodded “Your doctor added an additional pain med because she knows you’ve been having a hard time lately, which we all know you can handle, but your heart rate and blood pressure can not.. Also we switched your nausea meds to tigan which is stronger than what you were getting. It might still put you to sleep though. Is it okay for me to give them to you now?”

“Hell yeah!” Vi nodded with a weak smile. Matt smiled and nodded and put all 5 syringes through Vi’s tube. He removed and turned off their oxygen. “I’ll be leaving soon but I’ll see you tomorrow Jason. Bye Danny! Bye everyone!” He said, waving dorkily. “Sarah will be into check on you in a bit!”

Alaska came and gave Vi the clean bucket and took the dirty one into the bathroom.

“How ya feeling Vi?” Pearl asked.

“Ugh, rough to be honest. Part of it is the mental crap. Danny and I both go to different support groups. One of the girls in my group named Silvana is dying. She’s 16,” Vi’s voice broke at the end and so did my heart.

“I’m so sorry Vi!” Pearl said and stood up to hug the tiny queen.

“So tell me about the tour!” Vi abruptly changed the subject, which meant that they did not want to talk about it and you DO NOT want to push Vi.

“Oh you know! Same old, same old! Adoring fans! Fun and/or weird presents.” I said.

“Montana was kinda cool, we have some fan art and gifts from there for you.” I looked up at Vi and their eyes were half closed. They were trying so hard to stay awake.

Alaska sat beside them and took the bucket and put it on the table. She put Vi’s bed down and put a pillow behind their head.

“Go to sleep babe.” Alaska said. Vi straightened her legs out and kicked me.

“Oops sorry Katya!” Vi said loopily.

“Do you want me to move love?” I said.

They shook their head and then looked up at Alaska “I want to stay up with you gays.” Vi said, a tear sliding down their face, looking about 12.

Adore was there in 1.5 seconds. She grabbed their face in both of her hands and kissed their forehead.  
“Shhh baby! They’ll come visit again and you can talk lots, right now you need to sleep. Okay?”

I expected Vi to argue but they just nodded their head. “Will you sing?”

Adore smiled, nodded and started singing a wonderful love ballad that I’d never heard before. About 2 verses in Vi was asleep. Adore finished the song and kissed the now sleeping queen softly on the lips. Adore stood up and motioned to the couch in the corner, Alaska and Pearl grabbed their chairs and brought them over.

Adore flopped down on the couch, and B sat on one side while 'Lasky sat on the other, rubbing Adore’s back. Adore linked her fingers together on her lap and looked at them like they were the most intriguing thing in the world.

“Adore, what can we do to support you love?” Alaska said kindly.

“Oh I’m fine!” Her voice was faker than Pamela Anderson’s boobs. “Supporting Vi is more important.”

B lifted Adore’s chin so she was looking at the older queen. “Listen to me Danny! You are just as important and you need to give yourself more credit. You’ve been living here with them for weeks. You look like you haven’t got much sleep. Vi’s a grown up, you can probably leave at the end of the day and come back in the morning.”

Adore shook her head violently. “No I can worry here just as much as I can worry in a cold hotel or driving home for the night. I NEED to be here, anything could happen to them, and if I am not here and something bad happens to them, I couldn’t live with myself! Someone has to be here for them.” Danny looked pained but he wasn’t crying, he had a look of determination on his face.

“What if one of us stays here and promises to call you if anything happens? The house is in walking distance! It’s like a 5 minute walk.”  
Pearl offered. “I’ll stay.”

Danny shook his head automatically.

“Danny, please?” Bianca pleaded, giving the young queen’s knee a squeeze.

After a few minutes of pleading, cajoling and down right bribing Adore, she finally left with us. Pearl stayed behind and promised to keep an eye out and call Adore immediately if Vi needed anything.

When we opened the door, everyone was surprised to see Adore.

“Hey there!” Jinkx jumped up and enveloped the tired looking queen. Ongina bounded up and joined the hug.

“It’s so good to see you darling!” Fame said, grabbing Adore in a bear hug. When she pulled away, Fame had tears streaking down her face, “Let’s get you some food!”

We spent the evening chatting and playing cards. Danny’s head starting nodding to his chest about 5 minutes into a movie we threw on.

Bianca, who had a huge soft spot for the young queen, pulled her so her head was in B’s lap. 

After the movie, Bianca and I each took a side of Adore and carried her to PhiPhi and Pearl’s bedroom, which thankfully was on the main floor. She was dead to the world. I pulled the blankets up to her chin. I had her phone and decided to keep it with me so she could get some rest as I didn’t know how to turn the notification sound off and not the calls.

It was only 11, but most of us were looking forward to a full night’s sleep on a bed that wasn’t moving!

“How ya feeling today?” Alaska said, crawling into her bed, she had to curl up since she was too tall for the bed.

“I am having a good day!” I smiled “I feel stronger today!”

“I’m so happy to hear that!” Alaska said, her face lighting up.

“Me too!” I said, putting Adore’s phone right beside my head.

“Night night Justin!” I said, rolling over and plumping my pillow.

“Goodnight Brian!” Alaska said cheerfully, she reached over and whacked me with her pillow.

“Ohh bitch, I’m gonna get you! Tomorrow!” I yawned and I was out.


	92. Feeling Like a Princess, Next to a Queen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW death of a character

Violet's POV

(AN: I’m calling Pearl by his drag name because there ar 2 Matts and I didn’t want to keep saying ‘Matt the nurse’)

I opened my eyes and blinked in the brilliant morning light streaming through the window. I looked toward the sofa to see Danny’s beautiful sleeping face but Pearl was sitting there, studying mine.

“Good mornting Lovie!” he said, pulling a chair up beside me. “Do you need anything?”

“Hey Pearly girly! Starbucks?”

“Sure! Where is it and what do you want?”

After I told him what I’d like and where it was, he pushed the table with “breakfast” towards me on his way out. I made a half hearted attempt to pick at it. I pulled the juice and orange and strawberry slices off and put the tray out in the hall.  
I had just sat back down and started picking at my fruit when Pearl re-entered the room. He plunked my mocha frap with 2% down in front of me and then a brown paper bag. I peeked in and saw my fave lemon loaf. I pinched a corner off and threw it in my mouth.

“The girls had to pretty much drag Danny away last night, he didn’t want to leave you so I offered to stay. I hope you don’t mind!”

I shook my head like I was clearing out cobwebs. “No I don’t mind. I just feel guilty that you gays are here when you could be anywhere on your days off!”

“You SHOULD feel guilty!” He said and did what we affectionately call 'Pearl Face’. I giggled.

“You look weird with no hair.” I said, reaching out to walk my fingers across Pearl’s head.

“Look who’s talking bitch!” He said, sipping his coffee.

I put my hand up and touched my smooth head. I kept forgetting, I would go to brush my hair back nervously and just looked like an idiot.

“Oh God Vi! I’m sorry!” Pearl was looking at me. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah I’m fine.” I said but it sounded like a sigh. “I’m fine!” I said in a louder voice.

“It’s okay to not be fine. You aren’t alone Vi.” His eyes were getting misty.

I nodded. “I really appreciate that you gang convinced Danny to go with them. Cancer is as hard on loved ones as it is on the people fighting.” Fuck! I thought.

Pearl cocked her head to the side but didn’t ask. I busied myself by tearing open the paper bag my lemon loaf was in and taking little sips of coffee. He seemed to get the hint as he ripped open his blueberry muffin and shoved half of it in his mouth. He gave me a muffiny grin.

“You’re disgusting!” I laughed.

“So you and Adore eh?” He said, arching one eyebrow.

“Yeah.” I said, smiling.

“You’ve been crushing on Adore forever! It’s about fucking time!”

“Well we thought so!” I laughed. “He is entirely too good to me. I don’t deserve him.”

“But you do Vi! You do deserve a good guy!”

“Okay even so… worst possible timing for Cancer to fucking hit!” I said, frowning.

“Aaaand there is a GOOD time for cancer to fucking hit? You thought you could pen it into your calendar bitch!?”

“Fair point.” I conceded. “He doesn’t need to be here though Pearly! Like I don’t want him to feel obligated to stay.”

“Danny doesn’t feel obligated to stay, he stays because he lurves you.” He said, batting his eyelashes and looking besotted. “Danny luuurves Jason!! Danny luuurves Jason!!” He sing-songed.

“But I kinda love HIM, so why am I torturing him with being stuck with me right now?”

“Jason Dardo, you didn’t chose to have cancer! He’s not 'stuck’ with you! You know you can tell Danny what to do about as much as we can tell YOU what to do! He wants to be here with you. Get it in your fucking head!” he said passionately ending in a whisper. “Please don’t push him away Jay. Please?”

I nodded. I couldn’t speak because it felt like all my insides were in my throat.

“I just wish I could feel like a human capable of human emotions.” I thought, or apparently not because Pearl looked at me funny.

“Are you an alien Vi?” Pearl said jokingly, he scratched his stubbly chin and said, “That would actually explain some things. I am an earthling, I come in peace!” He making the star trek sign thingy with his hand. “Fame is from beyond this planet beautiful, and you are from beyond this planet bitchy!” He guffawed, his face lighting up with mirth, slapping his knee.

I could feel my face draining at the mention of Fame. We still hadn’t spoken and I missed my friend. One drunken kiss broke our friendship like a wishbone and I got the short half.

“You okay Vi? Do you need Ross bucket? Do you need a nurse?” Pearl said standing up and already panicking.

“Stop!” I put my hands out. “I’m fine, I just had a moment. I’m good now.”

“Okay Vi, I know shit went down with you and Fame, but things have been weird for a while. Is everything okay? Do you wanna talk about it?” He said, sitting down on the edge of his seat.

“Nope. I’ll talk to Fame sometime in the next few days. I promise. I don’t want to leave anything unsaid…”

Pearl interrupted me, “You can’t die Vi!” Pearl looked like he was going to start crying.

“Pearl,” I reached over and patted his knee. “You can’t get rid of me that easily bitch!” I joked, feeling super uncomfortable.

“Promise?” He said, looking at me pleadingly.

“I will do my best. It was caught really early, I have a test tomorrow to see if the chemo I’m on is doing the trick.” I shivered, pulling the blankets up around me.

Pearl reached over to the bedside table and picked my beanie up and gently put it on my head.

“Can I get you something hot instead of an iced coffee?” he laughed.

“Good point. I guess that was a bad choice, but normally I don’t have the chills. White chocolate mocha? I can give you money!”

“Gurl, don’t even worry about it!” He waved me off and left.

I had only put on my hoody and hopped back under the covers when Matt came in. He was looking crestfallen. He cleared his throat.

“Vi, it’s Silvana. It’s time to say goodbye.” 

I gulped and stood up but my knees were shaking like Bambi’s. Matt came over and took my arm.

When I got to Sil’s room and she saw me, she gave me a little cocky one-sided grin and beckoned me to her. I was scared, but I went up and grabbed her hand. She covered my hand in both of hers.

“I need you to promise me something.” She croaked.

“Anything!” I said quickly.

“Do not let your lack of hair shake your confidence from performing. Share your heart Violet, even if you aren’t sure you can.” She said, still grinning.

I opened and closed my mouth a few times, speechless.

“Did Lucy tell you?”

“I’ve always known who you are hun. Since day one I knew we had a formidable talent in our midst, but I knew that you had to be “ just” Jason for a while. I love just Jason as much as I love you when you are Violet. Cherish that Danny boy!”

“I love you too Silvana.” I said, brushing a tear away.

“Don’t cry! Don’t cry!” She said, patting my hand.

Silvana took one of her hands from me and held her mother’s hand too.  
“I love you Mama, I don’t have enough words to tell you how much I do. There aren’t strong enough words!

“Thank you Matt. I really loved annoying the shit outta you!” She said cheekily.

“I lllllove you baby.” Matt stuttered, tears leaking from his red anguished face.

“No tears darling. I’ve did what I came to do and I have no regrets.” She said firmly.

“Okay baby!“ Matt said, coming up to hold Silvana’s hand with me.

"I feel like a princess! I’m sleepy, I’m gonna close my eyes for a minute.”

5 minutes later Silvana Grace Franco died, surrounded by people whom she loved and who loved her back fiercely.

I sank to the floor, not trusting my legs anymore.

Matt had gone around to Sil’s mom who looked like she was gonna pass out any moment. Matt just barely got to her when she crumpled.


	93. Just Jason

Adore’s POV

I heard quiet sniggers and I wondered if Lucy was out joking with the nurses. I opened my eyes and didn’t know where I was for a moment. Then I remembered I was at the house with the girls. I looked around for my phone. When I couldn’t find it, I went out into the kitchen where there was a small crowd of queens having breakfast.

“Good morning love!” Alaska said. “Have some breakfast! We have eggs, bacon, toast, hash browns, fakin’ bacon, cereal…” Typical Alaska, being like a mom and trying to feed everyone.

“Fakin’ bacon?” I asked questioningly.

“It’s vegan bacon.”

I scrunched up my nose. “Ew, and I have to get back to Vi.”

I went to go out to get my shoes and Katya blocked my way. “Adore, you have to eat something. Pearl is with Vi, and I’m sure they are fine!”

I reluctantly ate some breakfast and then Alaska and I headed to the hospital. We entered Vi’s room and Pearl was just sitting there on his phone.

“Where is Vi?” I said scanning the washroom and room.

“I don’t know! I went to get them coffee and when I came back, they were gone.”

“Maybe they had to go for a test or something. I’m sure they’re fine!” Alaska said, putting a hand on my arm and steering me to the couch. I felt frazzled with worry. Was this what I would have been feeling if I stayed on the tour? Because it wasn’t a good feeling.

We all sat there, the tension growing in the room like twisting a violin string slowly, waiting for it to snap.

There was a sound at the door, and a nurse I didn’t know was pushing an ashen faced Vi in a wheelchair. I ran over and helped get them into bed, putting every blanket there was in the room on top of their tiny shaking frame. I climbed in beside them, holding them tight while tears streamed down their face.

I was crying because they were crying, and you can’t put into words the feeling in the pit of your stomach you get when you see someone you love suffering.

Alaska and Pearl drew chairs up and put their hands on Vi, saying silently that they were with them.

“Sil,” Vi choked out.

“Is she okay?” I said, knowing she hasn’t been feeling well, but she has always bounced back. She ALWAYS does.

Vi shook their head violently, took a deep breath and whispered “She’s gone Danny.”

I was battered with so much sadness, then I got angry.

“I TOLD YOU I SHOULD HAVE STAYED! YOU GUYS MADE ME STAY FOR BREAKFAST THIS MORNING AND I COULD HAVE BEEN HERE!” I yelled, nostrils flaring out like a bull. I sucked air to keep going but Vi put their hand in my chest. 

They were still crying too hard to talk, but they put their finger up to their mouth to shush me. They pulled my head down to their chest so I could hear the pounding of their broken heart. They kissed the top of my head and put their cheek on my head.

“Sorry guys.” I whispered.

“It’s okay Danny.” Alaska said with a sniffle. 

We sat in silence. Not talking, not moving, not breathing.

“You know she had a rule with crying.” Vi said, hiccuping. I thought I felt them smile a little and they kissed the top of my head again and moved their cheek. “Did you know that she knew who we are? Like Vi and Adore?”

“Really?” I said, turning my head to look at them.

“Yep! She said she always knew, but she also knew I had to just be Jason for a while. She also said to cherish you. I don’t think I have a problem with that!” They said, giving me a soft kiss and petting my head. “I miss your hair, I was living vicariously by running my fingers through your hair!” They said sniffing.

“I might have something called a wig?” I said and smiled.

“I’m not familiar with such a thing.”

We all laughed, tears were still slowly rolling down Vi’s wistful face.  
They beamed down at me. “I’m really glad you went Danny. I really mean it. I feel guilty that you don’t take good enough care of yourself.”

There was a soft knock at the door and Matt’s sorrowful face peeked in.  
"Danny, the group is waiting for you. If you want to go.”

“Go!” Vi whispered, looking worried. They kinda pushed me outta the bed, smiling.

“Okay! Okay!” I said, following Matt begrudgingly out the door.


	94. Let's have a kiki! (with occasional barfing)

Violet’s POV

I felt calmer, but still rattled, and I’m pretty sure Pearl and ‘Lasky could read me like a preschool book. We talked about little things, who had tiffs with who, the most amazing thing one of the queen’s got from a fan, trade. The usuals.

I heard the crinkle of the chemo coverings before Matt opened the door.

“COME IN!” I said, making my friends look at me oddly.

Matt peaked his head around the corner. “You heard me coming didn’t you?” He looked a bit better.

“Yep, I’ve come to dread that sound.” My stomach lurched at the reaction I will have in a little bit.

“I know hun, sorry!” he said, “I got your other meds in my pocket including a new chemo. It’s not a every day thing. Just a trial. It would only be once a week.” He said, hooking up the chemo and pushing the other meds through my second tube. He pulled some florescent yellow oxygen tubing from his scrub pocket and handed it to me. While he connected it, I put it in my nose, it tickled.

"Lucy?” I said, smiling.

“Mmmhmmm! She thought you might need a little something to brighten your day.”

“Where has she been lately?” I asked, normally she was hanging out with us. Lucy was easy company.  
“Oh, she’s been pretty beat from physical therapy, but she’s coming around. I’ll be back to check in about 5, if you need me, you know what to do!”

“Holler or the less fun option of hitting the nurses button?” I said with a wry smile.

“You got it!”

“Listen, you guys don’t need to stay. In about half an hour I’m gonna be ralphing into Ross the bucket. It is not attractive! Probably not the best way to spend your holidays.” The truth was, I was feeling vulnerable. Cancer is anything but pretty, and chemo side effects were NOT glamourous.

“We’re not going anywhere bitch!” Pearl said, crossing his arms.

“Nope we are staying right here with you honey!” Alaska drawled, sitting gently on the side of the bed, and grabbing my hand with their long thin one, putting her other one on top. “You can’t get rid of us Vi. We are here for you now and forever. Sure, we all sometimes fight but that is what sisters do.”

I hugged her, and when I looked over her shoulder, I saw Pearl staring apprehensively up at the bags of poison essentially that was being dribbled into my veins. He noticed me staring at them and lowered his head.

“It’s okay Pearly, you can look hun. Do you have any questions?”

“Does it hurt? Like does the line thingy or the chemo? Like are you always in pain?” He said, looking like he was fascinated with his knuckles on his lap.

“Hey, you can ask me anything at anytime okay?” He nodded and I continued, “The broviac line in my chest only hurts if it gets yanked hard. Chemo feels kinda burny, but it’s sad to say that I’ve gotten used to it. I am always in pain right now, but they are giving me meds so it at least stays under a 5 on a 1 to ten pain scale, and the pain should stop once the cancer is all gone.” I said giving him a reassuring smile.

“Should?” Alaska said, letting go of the hug and holding me out at arm’s length to question me.

“Well there is always a chance that this chemo will somewhat fry my nerves, so I COULD have long term pain problems, but it’s a small chance.” I didn’t know whether i was reassuring them or myself or a little bit of both. Now they are just staring at me, looking scared and sad. I hated those looks!

I was just about to scream at them but before I could, I was seized by a crippling wave of nausea. I closed my eyes for a moment, sometimes it helped when it felt like the room was spinning around.

I felt the cold plastic of the bucket, and promptly ralphed up my favourite lemon loaf from this morning.

About ten minutes later when I had nothing left in my stomach, my face resurfaced from the bucket.

“Ugh Sorry guys!” I said, feeling completely disgusted with myself.

Alaska and Pearl both got up, Alaska passed the clean bucket out from the bathroom to Pearl who came over and pulled the used bin away to be replaced with the clean one. Neither one spoke to the other, it was like they had been caring for someone who was ill for years and didn’t need to. Alaska came over with a warm cloth and cupped my chin with one of her hands, she gently washed my face off for me, her dark eyes like pools of compassion. Pearl set the freshly cleaned basin on the side table and came on the opposite side of Alaska and rubbed my back.

And that is how the afternoon passed, good friends, sitting in a comfortable silence, with one occasionally ralphing their guts out.


	95. Keeping My Head Above Water

A/N this is the knee squeeziest chapter ever! Lol  
Adore’s POV

When I walked into the room, Selene, Olive and Grayson were all talking in hushed tones, and a new woman was sitting there looking as overwhelmed as I must have looked on that first day. I plopped into the seat next to her, giving her what I hoped was a reassuring smile.

“Hey, can I get you anything? Coffee or tea? Cookies? A hug? Anything.”

“Sure, I could use a hug and a coffee.” She said somewhat bashfully.

I pulled her into a big bear hug, trying not to squish her too hard. Then I led her over to the always stocked coffee, tea and cookies cart. After we got what we needed, including 5 of Selene’s chocolate cookies for me, we settled down.

“Sorry to keep you all waiting.” I said when the three stopped huddling together.

“It’s okay Danny, is Jason doing okay?”

“As well as can be expected. Two of our friends are with them right now. They basically booted me out of the room. I just don’t want to leave them when they are sad or hurting.”

“Aww.” Selene purred, getting up and sitting down beside me to reach over and squeeze my knee. “They will be okay, and they are so lucky to have such a kind and loving boyfriend in their life. You really are one in a million Danny.”

I blushed and put my hand on her knee, I had to clear my throat a few times to get around the lump in my throat. “Thank you! I don’t know where I’d be without them. They make me so damn happy that helping them through this isn’t even a choice. I have to help them because they have to be okay. They just have to!”

Everyone settled in and started introductions.

Selene was positively radiant in a light blue sundress and a wide brimmed hat, she was smiling so big as she told us the good news that she could take Luc home, at least for the weekend. It slammed into me how much cancer holds the whole family hostage and how this was the first weekend in 3 months that their whole family would be together. Celeste would be able to wrap her arms around her mother’s waist and pick her brother up in a hug.

Grayson had really opened up in the group the last week or so. His daughter was going to be going through a big operation 2 days from now, and his face was taut with the tension and stress he was dealing with. His daughter had brain cancer, and in 2 days they would be sawing into her skull. I shivered, just thinking about it gave me the heebee-jeebees.

Olive had been worried because last week her daughter had had testing to see if she was still cancer free. Again proof that cancer kept you hostage in a way even after you have passed the imminent danger. Her daughter had a specialist appointment next Monday to go over the findings so the cloud of worry still hovered over the family’s head.

Then it was my turn.

“My friends all came to visit and we all surprised Jason by shaving our heads. I am so glad they are here to visit and give them a boost. I’m frustrated though because they convinced me that another one of them would watch over them and that I should come to stay at their rental house, so I did and my friend promised me they would call over if anything happened and they didn’t! I came back to see my friend carrying two starbucks cups and no Jason in sight! They were with Silvana. I never should have left!” I said all at once and then stopped to catch my breath.

They were all looking at me with pity in their eyes.

“Oh Danny-boy, don’t be mad at your friends, they were just looking out for you. We could not have pinpointed when Sil would pass. I’m sorry you didn’t get a chance to say goodbye. You need rest or you are going to get ill. We talk about self care a lot in this group, and I would say that you aren’t very good at that.” Olive chuckled. “Were they upset you left for the night?”

“Well no but…” I started.

“A ha! They love you, and you love them, and loving them doesn’t mean you can’t take care of yourself. Does that make sense?” Olive said, reaching over to give my knee a little squeeze.

I just nodded with my eyes closed and trying to swallow down the damn lump in my throat.

The new girl was next, she was plump, but in a Latrice Royale Large-and-in-Charge style. She flaunted it. Right now though, she looked so fucking nervous.

“H-h-h-hi,” she stuttered and sucked in a big breath.

“It’s okay sweetie, we are all friends here. Take your time!” I said, grabbing one of her hands and giving it a squeeze. I didn’t let go of it, and she gave me a sideways look of gratefulness.

“Okay, sorry! Hi, my name is Alexa. My 14 year old son Maddox is being treated for non hodgkin’s lymphoma, just started last week. It’s been difficult for him and I to be away from his Mom right now. He is an only child. My partner and I adopted him when he was 4. My partner Leslie would love to visit, but with the medical bills we just don’t have the money, even if she just took the bus. So I am all alone here with him, and I spend most of my time worrying. The chemo hasn’t been too difficult yet, but we have been told it will intensify in time. I just don’t know if I can handle it if he doesn’t make it.” 

There was silence, we all could identify with those thoughts. The worries. The impending sense of loss and doom, even if the statistics are good.

We then went around the room and brainstormed like a grade 6 social studies class about different ways to practice self care. We seriously used a fucking flip-chart for our ideas.

-eat a good meal outside of the hospital

-spend a night away from the hospital (local hotel’s had vouchers for a discounted stay)

-ask someone to stay with your loved one so you can go do errands or get a massage

-speaking to a therapist

-going to Church/Temple

-speaking with a friend

\- go out for coffee with one of the people in this room or someone else that understands what you’re going through

Then we were all giving the task of picking something to do, and it had to be something difficult, so course when it was MY turn to say what I was going to do. Everyone’s eyes were on me giving me a look like “you need to do this for yourself and for Jason”. So I finally relented and said that if it was okay with Jason I would stay with my friends again tonight while they were still in town. In my heart of hearts though I was really hoping that Jason would say no, because whenever I’m not around them I feel like all the air has been taken out of the room. I know it sounds cheesy but it’s true.

So we all left the group and I almost sprinted back to Vi’s room.

When I got back to the room, Violet was resting, their face sometimes scrunching up as if they were in pain.  
Alaska and Pearl were sitting on the sofa quietly talking. I just stood in the doorway for a few minutes observing our wonderful friends and my beautiful boyfriend. Every once awhile Alaska’s eyes would flit over to where Violet was resting.

For the thousandth time, I was swimming in a sea of worries, well not exactly swimming, more like barely keeping my head from going under. Violet looked as if they were wasting away, well because they were. They were so tiny and I worried that I was basically watching my boyfriend become a gossamer thread that I would no longer be able to hold in this world.

I searched in my mind for a reason for this to have happened. I could feel the blood draining from my face as thoughts about the world without my lavender Queen in it pounded through my brain like the sea slams the rocks on the shore to make them smooth.

Alaska noticed me standing in the doorway, and she came over and grabbed my hands and dragged me over and sat me down on the sofa. When I sat there, I shook my head like a wet dog shaking off water.

“Vi just fell asleep, so we were watching over them.” Alaska said quietly, worry softly contorting her angular face.

“Thanks,” I said attempting to muster up a small smile, why was coping today so damn hard?

“Pearl I’m sorry for shouting at you this morning, I really am!”

“S’ok BB, I know you are under a lot of stress! Don’t worry about it! Seriously, I don’t know how you are coping so well!”

“I’m not really doing ANYTHING, I wish I could do something to help!” I cried, trying to be quiet but losing myself in the poison of my self conscious words. “I’m really quite useless. I just want to take this from them and onto myself but I’m just useless!”

“I happen to strongly disagree with you!” Vi said, making me jump. They were sitting up in bed, and had that little one sided smirk on their face that made me fall madly in love with them. There was something darker behind their carefree smirk this time and it scared me.

“Good morning sunshine!” I said, jumping up and carefully sitting down beside them and pulling them into a gentle hug.


	96. Sweet Turns Sour

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a sparkly bag of trash. Read with extreme caution.

Violet’s POV

I was dancing suspended in air, enjoying the feeling of my strong lithe pain free body as the red aerial silk hummed between my legs. I had reached to almost the ceiling. When I did this trick, it made me feel like a soaring eagle.

I let go and then realised I was falling into a now black empty chasm where the gym floor had been moments earlier. The longer I fell, the faster I went, the silks tearing underneath me.

I no longer felt like a soaring eagle, I felt like a bird ripped from the sky by a bullet, forever falling.

I was spinning head to feet, so I saw the light illuminated patch of brown soil that was waiting for me to break myself on. Not just break, but shatter.  
I was going to land on my back, years of falling while training had taught me how best to fall to minimize damage but I was going too fast to turn.

Suddenly, there were arms catching me at the last moment and cradling me like a treasure, and then letting me down onto the warm ground softer than a whisper. I looked up to see my rescuers face but he or she was looking down on me, silhouetted by the bright sun. A hand was offered and I reluctantly took it. They pulled me up and that’s when I realized it was Danny.

My Danny!

“You saved me. You didn’t have to but you did.” I said, wonder in my voice.

“When will you realize, I will do ANYTHING for you.” He said with a small smile.

There was so little room in this hole, my hands were around Danny’s neck so I pulled him in for a kiss. I didn’t worry about how I got down here, how Danny got here, or how we were gonna get out. I concentrated on our lips and the heat radiating off his body.

Then I was alone, floating in between sleep and wakefulness. I wasn’t sure I wanted to wake up. Then I was awake, my body screaming in pain. I hoped if I stayed still, I might be able to go back to sleep.

I was just laying there when I heard Danny say, “I’m not really doing ANYTHING, I wish I could do something to help!” he cried, trying to be quiet, “I’m really quite useless. I just want to take this from them and onto myself but I’m just useless!”

I sat up, pain radiating from my chest down throughout my body like there was fire and lightening in my veins. It didn’t matter, Danny did.

“I happen to strongly disagree with you!” I said.

All 3 of the queens heads snapped towards me. Danny loped over and sat gently beside me, pulling me into a feather light hug. My hands were shaking from pain and I really hoped that Danny wouldn’t notice. I nestled my head into the crook of his neck.

“Baby? You feeling okay? You are awfully warm.” Danny said, concern thick in his voice. 

He went to help me lay back on the bed but the pain doubled me over, I was shaking, trying not to translate this horrible level of pain into a scream.

“I’ll go get Matt!” Alaska said, her footsteps running away.

“Stay with me my love. It’s gonna be okay!”

I was panting, shaking, sobbing sweating curled into a ball face down on the bed. I was frozen in agony.

I heard footsteps rush back in and Matt’s voice, “Okay hun, we are going to turn you so I can reach your line. Danny help me? On three, 1,” but by the time they started turning me over, I released the scream I had been holding in and then I blacked out.


	97. No words

Adore’s POV

I got ready to help shift Vi enough for Matt to help them. They were shaking like an earthquake, streams of sweat dripping down their back. They were breathing in shallow, short, ragged breaths. Then time was rent with the most blood curdling, heart stopping scream and then they went limp.

“Go Danny!” Matt said. We flipped them over and Matt hooked them up to oxygen/pulse and blood pressure monitors.

He hit the nurse button. Before the nurse could even ask how they could help Matt said urgently, “can someone bring me the med cart to 321 NOW!” He looked at the monitors and shook his head slightly.

Alaska and Pearl were sitting on the long bench, crying and holding onto each other.

I was holding onto Jason’s limp hand, willing it to move.

When the med cart came in, Matt drew up a syringe of meds but after that he looked close at their central line and then grabbed a few more meds.

He took their temperature and frowned.

VI wasn’t shaking anymore, but they occasionally had a pained look across their face.

“Okay I’ll be right back with a doctor. Come get me if their Blood pressure goes any higher.” Matt said to me.

He and the other nurse left, leaving the medcart in the room for later.

Vi was all slumped over so I gently lifted them so their head was up on the pillow. I took their hand in mine again and leaned over to kiss their forehead.

One of the queens put a chair under me and I flopped down, never taking my eyes off of my warrior. Never letting go of their hand.

Alaska crouched down awkwardly to pull me into a hug that would allow me to keep holding onto Jason’s hand. I put my cheek on Alaska’s shoulder and cried.


	98. Not So Happiest Place on Earth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lil bit of humour before the agonising, soul crushing asshole that is me at a keyboard.

Katya’s POV

I totally got a sunburn. I had fallen asleep on a lounge chair in the sun. One of the queens had taken quarters and dimes and made Mickey mouses over my nipples.

I slid the door open and welcomed the cool air.

“Alright who’s the wise guy that made my nipples the happiest place on earth?” I said, trying to remain stern.

There was a roar of laughter from the large living room.

“No I mean it dammit! What if craiglist guy doesn’t like Mickey?”

More laughter, but no one really fessed up. If Alaska were here it would have been her idea but then again, Willam DID have an extra mischievous glint in his eyes.

“I, ze sveatiest voman in show business, will show my deep appreciation for this by hugging everyone!” I said in my thickest Russian accent.

I flung my hands out to the person closest to me, which happened to be Willam. I got about an arms length away when he said, “It was me and Fame Goddammit!”

Fame’s face went red. “Did not!! Phi Phi did it!” she pointed to Phi Phi.

PhiPhi said Bianca did it.

So it went around in circles until they were all dying with laughter. I was shivering from being in the air conditioning after the California sun, now shirtless and covered in sweat.

“I’m gonna go shower before we go see Vi.”

“Please do! Otherwise they won’t let us in due to the stench!” Sharon said, wrinkling her nose.

I stuck my tongue out at them and climbed the stairs to ‘Lasky and I’s bedroom. I warmed myself up with a long hot shower. I was toweling myself off back in our room when I picked up my phone and noticed there were 2 messages from ‘Lasky.

From: Justin  
Time: 10:30am  
Hey you, when are you guys planning on coming to visit? Maybe bring some food for Adore?

From: Justin  
Time: 12:07pm  
Don’t come with the gals for a bit, something happened with Violet. I’ll update you soon as I can. We’re just working on keeping Adore calm. Tell Roy that we might need him to come to help with Adore. They want as few people in the room as possible though. I will text you in an hour to give you an update.

“FUCK!”

I threw on some clothes and bounded down the steps 2 to 3 at a time, sounding like an elephant.

Everyone looked up from their movie, I think they were smiling because they thought I was cracking a joke or doing something funny because…well…normally I am. I like to make people laugh and there is nothing wrong with that.

However, right now the smiles were erased from the queens faces faster than a buttered bullet.

I must have had a odd look on my face like I was gonna faint because Fame pulled me down onto her and her hubby’s lap.

“I’m fine! It’s okay!” I said, trying to get up, Sharon scooched over and I slid off Fame and Patrick to sit between her and Fame.

“Did you hurt yourself? Do you feel ill? What’s wrong?” Jinkx asked, immediately concerned.

I cleared my throat, my anxious mind going to all the bad places but I had to reassure them.

“It’s Vi, something happened with them so Alaska said we should hold off coming to visit. She said she’d update us in the next hour. Pearl and Alaska were helping Adore calm down. ‘Lasky said you may need to go help calm him down B.”

“Did she say anything about what happened with Violet? Are they gonna be okay?” Fame said, twisting herself so she could rest her forehead on Patrick’s shoulder.

“No. I don’t know. I’m sorry!” I brought my hands up to pull at my hair but there wasn’t any to pull at so I let my hands flit back to my lap.  
Sharon put her hand over mine and left it there. Fame grabbed my other hand, holding hands spread like fire around the circle. We were trying to radiate strength to one another through touch.

We just sat quietly like that, no one speaking, but it didn’t feel like an awkward silence. Our eyes drifted to the television, not really taking it in but allowing the voices to wash over our anxious hearts.


	99. Pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh God, I’m prepared for the hate. I am utter trashy evil. Bye!   
> Love and *evil laughter*  
>  Remény

Violet’s POV

I don’t think I was unconscious for long. I opened my eyes to see Danny, Alaska and Pearl beside me, their faces looking relieved. Danny was holding my hand.

This must have all happened within a second because suddenly I was slammed once again with unrelenting pain. I groaned and gripped Danny’s hand so hard that I felt his bones grind together.

It felt like my entire body was being burned alive, raked over hot coals, and then doused in rubbing alcohol.

I tried to get away from the pain by flailing and arching my back and then I couldn’t hold in my screams.

Was this what dying was? If so, why had Silvana been so peaceful?

I was breathing quickly through clenched teeth. The medical staff were speaking to each other but I could not hear over my galloping heart. Meds were being drawn into syringes.

Pain was making it impossible to stay still, impossible to focus on anything.

I turned my head towards Danny, who was falling completely apart.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered because if this is what dying felt like, I was ready. Anything but this.

Matt put something in my line and the world grew hazy then darkness claimed me as hers.


	100. Danny Shattered

Adore’s POV

There aren’t many words to describe what it feels like to see anyone in that much pain, but a loved one? Impossible to describe.

I couldn’t help losing it. They were thrashing and screaming, and the only small inadequate thing I could do was let them squeeze the crap outta my hand.

When they turned their head to me and whispered, “I’m sorry,” it broke me and took all my breath. It shattered my whole being.

Now they were still, hooked up to a giant scary machine and heart monitor. There were nurses bringing in different medical equipment. Matt was trying to explain what happened to me but I was hardly listening. Thankfully, Alaska and Pearl were so they could relay it to me later.

“They had a bad reaction to the new drug, it’s like a 1 in 300,000 chance reaction. It caused all their nerves to become inflamed and misfire signals to the brain. It’s called neuralgia. We will keep them unconscious for the next 24-48 hours so they won’t have to deal with the pain. This big machine is for dialysis which will clean their blood essentially and hopefully get the medication out of their system faster. We have them on medication to reduce the nerve inflammation. They will be getting some antibiotics as I think their line is infected but it doesn’t look too bad so it should clear right up. We would normally move them to the ICU but it’s full, so there will be a staff member in here at all times. Any questions?”

Alaska cleared her throat and timidly asked “Will the pain go away once they wake up?”

“That’s what we are hoping, and we are doing everything we can.” Matt said.

“Danny?” He said and I jumped. He had crouched down so his face was inches from mine.

I turned my head back to continue to stare at Violet.

“Danny I need you to let go of Jason’s hand okay? I need to put an IV in it because we shouldn’t use their line right now if it's infected. We sent blood to the lab. Okay?” He trilled like I was a 5 year old.

“I don’t think I can let go.” I said, starting to cry all over again.

“Why don’t you go to the other side and then you can come back to this side after?” Matt cajoled me.

I opened my hand, it was a bit sore because Violet had squished it so hard, but it wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle compared to what they had just been through.

I put Vi’s hand on the bed and wiggled mine out from under it.  
I heard all three of them gasp and I automatically looked to see what was wrong with Vi.

“Are they okay?” I said looking at all the monitors which was pointless because I didn't know what the numbers blinking on them were for.

“Danny, your hand!” Alaska said.  
I held my hand up to my face and turned it over. It was bruised and swelling.

“It’s fine, I’m fine.” I said, waving them off which sent a shock of pain down my arm so I stopped abruptly and put it down on my lap.

“Let me see,” Matt said, putting his hand out for me to put mine in. I reluctantly complied. He bit his lip as he gently prodded and poked at my hand. “Can you straighten your fingers all the way out?”

With some concentration I could.

Matt put two fingers in my downturned palm.

“Squeeze my hand as tight as you can.”

I couldn’t even close my fingers around his.

“Danny, I think it might be broken or very badly sprained, but you need to get it checked out.”

“No way, Vi couldn’t have broken my hand by squeezing it, could they?”

“Well it seems tiny is mighty in this case. You need to go get it checked out.”

“But I don’t wanna leave them.”

Matt was still crouched down with my purple bruised hand in his. “Look at me Danny. Do you trust me?” I nodded.

“There will be someone in here the whole time with Violet. I promise I’ll take good care of them. You need to get that looked at because if you ignore it, it will become a bad situation. I got Jason. I promise. They are going to be sleeping so you need to go, call later if you want, but I NEED you to take care of yourself. Jason NEEDS you to take care of yourself. Okay?”

I nodded and sat there another minute or two, just digesting what had happened.

“Up ya get.” Alaska said, going around me and pulling me up by the elbow, Pearl on the other side doing the same.

“Wait,” I said, leaning over to gently kiss my sleeping beauty’s lips. “I’ll be back my love. Sleep well.” I whispered into their ear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Neuralgia is a real thing which I have, where is MY medical coma? Lol! I couldn't put Vi through and not give them a break!


	101. Broken Hearts (and maybe Hands)

Bianca’s PoV

We were just sitting here, absentmindedly staring at the TV screen which Jinkxy had turned to Steven Universe about ½ an hour ago.

“Oh God, not even Steven Universe is distracting me! Why haven’t they called us?” She whined.

“I don’t know why but I hope they’re okay.” Fame said and let out a soft sob. She had been laying in Patrick’s lap crying off and on all afternoon.

My usually calm exterior was getting harder and harder to fake. My hand was shaking as I took a sip of diet Coke.

Sharon was staring blankly to the corner of the room. Phi Phi had her knees up to her chest and was rocking slightly.

Katya shifted restlessly, she was sitting on the floor staring at the TV with her mouth wide open. She was holding her phone so tightly that her knuckles were white. This was the longest I had ever seen the hyper queen sit.

They had been sitting there for 2 hours. 2 hours that felt like an entire lifetime.

Katya’s phone rang, making everyone jump. All eyes were instantly on her.

“Hi Alaska, what’s going on? Is Vi okay?”

Katya listened for what felt like forever, occasionally letting out a yep or uhuh.

“WHAT?!” Katya said, making everyone jump again.

“Where are you gonna be, I’ll Google the address.”

There were a few more moments of Katya listening and then she said “Okay bye!” then hit the end button.  
We all started to ask questions at once, it was pandemonium!

Katya put her hands up and we all quieted.

“So here is what we know, Violet had a very bad reaction to a new drug they were trying which caused their nerves to freak out and make them have unbearable amounts of pain. ‘Lasky said it was very scary. So they put Violet on a dialysis machine to clean their blood and hopefully clear out the medication quickly. But because they were in so much pain they put them into a medically induced coma. It should just be a day or two while the meds clear. When they were awake and in pain, they were squeezing Danny’s hand and now they think his hand is broken so he is going to the hospital across town now. B, Alaska asked if you would call Danny’s Mom and then come to the hospital.”

“A coma?” Fame sobbed into Patrick’s t-shirt. Patrick was trying to comfort the inconsolable queen.“Shh shh it’s okay honey. It’s gonna be okay Kurtis. Shhh honey.”

“I’ll call Bonnie on the way to the hospital, Katya do you want to come along? Can you call a cab?”  
Katya nodded and picked up her phone. I went to my room and grabbed my wallet and then veered to the kitchen to grab a few sodas.  
I was just pulling on my shoes when the cab driver honked.

I picked up my phone and found Bonnie in my contacts.

It rang about 5 times, and I thought I was gonna have to leave a message.

“Hi Roy, everything okay?” Worry clouding Bonnie’s usually melodious voice.

“Violet had some sort of bad reaction to one of their meds and was in a lot of pain so, they were squeezing Danny’s hand and they think it might be broken so they are over at the memorial hospital. We are on our way now. If you can’t make it, I will update you.”

“I’ll be there in 45 minutes. Is Vi okay?”

“We don’t know much right now, but they put them in a medically induced coma for the next 24-48 til the meds clear their system.”

I could hear her exhale and whisper, “Oh dear! I will be right down there as soon as I can. Thank you.”

“No problem.” I said and then hung up just as we pulled up to the hospital.

We rushed into the waiting room to see Alaska and Pearl on either side of a very green Danny. His hand was twice the size it should have been and an array of blues and purples and blacks. He was rocking slightly.

“Hey Danny-boy,” I said sitting beside him in Pearl’s now vacant seat.

“It hurts B but my heart hurts more. I don’t want to be away from them.” He whined as I pulled him into a one handed hug.

“I know boo boo I know. It’s okay. It’s okay!” My heart felt for the kid, the past few weeks had completely spun his world upside down in both good and bad ways.

“How long have you guys been waiting?” Katya asked, putting a hand on Alaska’s knee.

“About an hour. They took him to get X-rays and then got us to wait out here again.”

“Danny, I called your Mom, she’s on her way.”

“Okay good.” Danny said softly.  
It wasn’t long until a middle-aged uptight looking woman came out and called Danny’s name.

They obviously wouldn’t let everyone go back so it made sense for me to go.

We got to a cold white room and waited some more until a kindly doctor whooshed into the room.  
She introduced herself as Dr. Smith, and took one look at Danny’s X-rays and clicked her tongue. By this time Danny was a pale green and he was shaking like a leaf.

“Well it’s broken. How bad is your pain? 10 being the worst.”

“Uh an 8” Danny said.

“Okay, I’ll get someone to bring you some medication and someone will be in to cast your hand. You will probably have to come back in a few days to be recast once the swelling goes down.”

By the end of another hour of waiting, we loaded a VERY loopy, neon green cast clad Danny into Bonnie’s car and headed back to the house.

We just got Danny seated on the couch when he started waving his cast in front of his face.

“My cast is pretty, but why are there 4 of them Mommy?”

We all started laughing, which caused Adore to glare at all of us indignantly.

“I feel funny, I’m hungry, I’m tired. I feel funny, I don’t like it!” Danny said, flopping onto his mother’s lap like a 2 year old.

“Shhh Danny,” Bonnie cooed resting her hand on his head, “you feel funny because of the strong medicine they gave you so they could fix your bones. It will wear off. Look, Alaska has a piece of pizza for you!”

Danny got about ¾ of the way through his slice of pizza when he started falling over on the couch.  
Bonnie took the plate of pizza out of his hands and I picked him up and put him in my bed. Bonnie pulled the blankets up to his chin and kissed his forehead.

“What a day!” Alaska said after we sent Bonnie on her way.

“Yeah I hope Violet’s gonna be okay!” Jinkx mused aloud.

“They have to be! They just have to!” Fame exclaimed, starting to cry all over again.

“Vi’s a fighter, they’ll be okay!” Katya said, trying to be reassuring and failing miserably.

Everyone shortly thereafter, went their separate ways to go to bed. I curled up on the double bed beside Danny and watched over him til I fell in a restless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I broke Adore. Ooops!


	102. The Sky is Falling!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW- scary assed medical equipment.

Adore’s POV

I opened my eyes and Roy’s sleeping face was 10 inches or so away from me. I let out a startled squee and quickly covered my mouth but there was a cast on my hand and it slammed into my mouth.

“Fuck!” I muttered. I pulled my fingers away from my mouth. There was no blood but one quick feel of my face told me I had a swollen lip.

Roy stirred and then looked at me quizzically. You could almost see his brain working to recall the events of yesterday.

“Hey there, how ya feeling? How’s your hand?” He said, sitting up and stretching.

“Hi, bad, sore as fuck!”

He gave me a puzzled look.

“God I forgot how slow you are in the morning. Now I know why you get up earlier than everyone else. You need to find your brain! Hello, I feel bad and my hand is sore as fuck. Got it now?”

He nodded and then put his hand on my shoulder, “you know they’re gonna be OK right? They’re a fighter, just like you. You didn’t give up when things get hard and they have the same determination. I’m sure of it.”

I just nodded and tried to swallow down all my internal organs that felt like they had migrated to my throat.

“C’mon! There are meds from the doctor for you to take with some breakfast and then I will call to check in on Violet, OK?” He said, pulling a pill bottle out of his bed side table.

I nodded again and swung my feet over the side of the bed, wriggling my toes on the cold tile.

Hardly anyone was up yet, Katya was sitting with a half empty, or half full you know, coffee cup in front of her, staring into the depths like it was a magic well. She had purple bags under her eyes and a shell shocked expression. She looked up and saw us and smiled brightly like she hadn’t been close to tears 5 seconds ago.

“Hey ‘Dorey! Come sit by me! I have food.” She said brightly, waving a hand across the fruit, pastries and cereal in Vanna White style.

I sat and started munching on a corner of a danish. B set a glass of juice and 2 light yellow circular pills onto the table.

“Take them.” 

B and Katya stared at each other, having a totally silent conversation. Katya smiled at him and gave him a little nod which I had no clue what that was all about but didn't want to ask.

“K” I downed them one by one with a gulp of juice, I kinda imagined it like a waterslide, single file pills, safety first!

“How’d you sleep?” Katya asked, pouring herself another cup of coffee.

“Good. I guess the other meds last night knocked me totally out. I don’t even remember getting here!”

Katya let out a little chuckle, “yeah, you were saying all kinds of shit. I thought your mom was gonna pee her pants! You kept asking why the hospital gave you extra arms. You were very unhappy about the way the meds were making you feel.”

“My Mom was here?”

“Yep, they had already given you super strong meds to set your hand by the time she got there. She was the only one with balls enough to stay in the room when they set your hand back in place.”

I made a squishy face and I was thankful I couldn’t remember it.

“Can I go back to Violet now?” I whined, fidgeting in my seat.  
B came and sat beside me, giving my knee a quick squeeze.

“Danny, I called the hospital and Matt said come at 3pm and not any earlier. They are still asleep so you gotta take care of yourself and that includes a shower, you can borrow something of mine to wear until you get back to your stuff. I just have to go to the drugstore to get something to cover your cast so you don’t get it wet. I’ll be back in 20 minutes.  
Eat!!!!” Roy ordered, waving as he went out the door and into the bright morning sunshine.

“How’d you sleep Miss Katya Zamoblablabla?” I asked while I pulled the coffee pot my way.

“I didn’t, I couldn’t. I tried to so hard but the sleep fairy is pissed off at me for some reason or another! I’m sure it’s craiglist guy’s fault somehow. I just wish I could turn off my brain sometimes, you know what I mean?” Katya smiled but behind that smile was a haunted soul.

I wanted to reassure her but the same demons as hers were flying around first class in my brain and some of them had explosives strapped on with their fingers on the triggwr. If I thought too hard on all the bad things that could happen, I would be blown to smithereens.

“I hope Violet is OK, I hope they wake them up and everything goes well. I’m sorry that this is happening. That is about all I can say. I mean, of course I want them to be OK but I can’t reassure you that they will be OK because I don’t know. But then that…”

I put my hand up to stop Katya’s word vomit. “I know you can’t tell the future any more than I can!! I’m so thankful that you guys are here. I really am so glad because I don't know what I would done otherwise. I just wished that the dr didn’t prescribe that med. We would be totally fine as far as I know. I guess no one knows!”

Katya and I talked about fluffy little stuff after that heavy conversation and about 15 minutes later I had eaten some toast and eggs chased down with orange juice and copious amounts of coffee. The meds kicked in and my pain dropped significantly.   
Roy found this contraption at the drug store that went over my cast perfectly and it kinda stuck onto the skin on my arm.

Katya being the angel she is, had washed my clothes from last night so I just had to borrow one of Roy’s baggy t-shirts since my cast wouldn’t fit through my shirt from yesterday and I really didn’t want to stretch it out because it is my all time favorite shirt.

Most of the girls were awake by the time I came out of the shower.

“Hey, how’s your hand? I still can’t believe that Vi broke it! I knew they were strong but holy shit!” Fame said, shaking her head.

“Yeah I guess you wouldn’t want to get on their bad side! Bitch’ll break you.” Phi Phi said, pretending to be scared.

“Yeah they will crush your bones and make soup!” Katya said in a thick Russian accent as Fame choked and sputtered on her coffee and Katya thumped her on the back.

“Guys please don’t give them a hard time about this.” I pleaded with them, “I just don’t want it to be the first thing they hear about when they….if they…..” I got totally stuck in my head at that point. I was crying that ugly cry, the one where your mouth is wide open but there is no sound coming out like a silent scream and you seem to go long periods between breaths. 

I put my face in my hands and wept. Roy got to me first of course, sliding in beside me on the bench and wrapping his arms around me.  
All I knew was that it feel like I wasn’t getting any air.

“Danny, I need you to breathe with me ok?” Katya said into my ear, she was behind me supporting my back. “Ok breathe in till I count to 4 and then hold it and I’ll tell you what to do next.”

I nodded.

“Ok hun 1…2…3…4! Ok hold it. Now let it out in 6…5…4…3…2…1. Now in again 1…2…3…4…”

We sat like that, Roy holding onto my shaking frame and Katya whispering in my ear as the other queens watched helplessly, most in tears themselves.

“I…. CAN’T…do… THIS!!” I choked out between sobs.

“What do you mean Danny?” Willam said.

“I can’t…Just…St..Stay…HERE! Not while the…they’re there! I kn…know that the..they are sleeping but……” I threw my hands up in the air in a gesture I hoped someone could translate.

“What am I gonna do without them B? I…ca… can’t live without them!”  
Roy stopped hugging me so he could look me in the eye. “Danny” he said slowly, staring me right in the eye “I will go with you now but you HAVE to calm down first ok? Why don’t you calm down while I go have shower and then we will go. Ok?”

I nodded and B stood up, Jinkx slipped in beside me and resumed hugging me while I blubbered a little longer.

“Here sweetie,” Fame said, sitting a mug of tea in front of me. Fame was like Alaska, she liked to feed people when they were distraught.

“Th…Thanks.” I stuttered.

Katya was still behind me softly counting. I twisted around and put my hand on her knee. “Thank you Katya! Where did you learn that?”

“I’ve had many a panic attack in my days. You just have to have something to focus on. It’s partly about the breathing but a lot about the counting because you have to concentrate.”

“It’s gonna be OK Adore, they’re gonna be OK. They have to be!” Jinkx said, grabbing my hand in theirs.

I nodded and took a sip of tea, mostly because I could feel Fame’s steely gaze through the back of my head. I twisted and sure enough, she was looking at me with what looked like a mixture of sadness and pity which she quickly covered up with a neutral facial expression.  
Now I understand why Vi hated those looks.

B came out looking like what he was doing was against his better judgement but put his shoes on and we headed out.

To say I was not prepared for what I saw when I walked into Jason’s room is a HUGE understatement.

Vi was dwarfed by medical equipment. I stopped, frozen in the doorway. Frozen in time.

They had what looked like a million tubes and wires coming out from under the stark sheets. A catheter bag stuck out from under the sheet at the end of the bed. Scariest they were on a ventilator, the corrugated blue tubing going into their mouth, taped to the side of their too pale face. The tubing vibrated on the exhale.

I took this all in in seconds then the room turned grey and my knees went out from under me. If B wasn’t there to catch me, I would have smashed my little bald head on the cold tile.

Everything went black, but I honestly welcomed it. Maybe when I come-to, this will all have been a dream…well a nightmare.

“Danny? Danny?” I heard B’s voice echoing like I was at the bottom of a well.

I felt cold on my head and the back of my neck. I felt like I was trying to swim to the surface after swimming too deep. The feeling you get when you start to feel dizzy and feel like your lungs are going to pop and wonder if you’re going to surface in time.

“Danny, come on back!”

I fluttered open my eyes to see the concerned faces of Matt and B above me. My head was in B’s lap and I had ice packs on my head and neck, my legs were raised up on a rolled up blanket.

I tried to sit up but Matt pushed me back down.

“Just rest for a moment.”

A few minutes later B and Matt hauled me up and sat me down on the bench.

I looked at Vi again. Once again they reminded me of sleeping beauty, if you could ignore all the machines and tubes and wires.

They had a tube coming out of their arm and snaking over to a machine with whirring parts and then snaking back to another part of their arm. It made my head spin to look at it so I looked into my lap.

“Do you want me to explain everything to you?” Matt said, sitting back down beside me.

I had no words so I just nodded.

“Ok they have the regulars, blood pressure, heart monitor, oxygen monitor. They are getting the medication to keep them asleep, kinda like when you have a surgery, but sometimes it makes you forget to breathe so we have to have help sometimes. As soon as we wake them up, we can turn it off.”

“When do you think that will be?” B asked, almost like he could read my mind.

“Well, actually I was going to call you right before you got here. A neurologist is coming around soon and she will let us know when but this morning Dr Bailey said that she should be able to bring them out of anesthetic today as long as their bloodwork shows the medication is out of their system. I just sent some off to the lab.” Matt said with hope lighting up his tired looking face.

I felt like my brain was like an overloaded circuit, I could imagine sparks shooting from my ears. I didn’t want to ask but I had to.

“And the pain? Will that go away?” I had the feeling in the pit of my stomach you get when you hit the drop off of a roller coaster.

Matt gave me that look, it’s almost impossible to describe but now I know what Violet was talking about. It’s like ⅓ pity ⅓ sadness ⅓ relief it didn’t happen to them.

“Oh hunny,” he started “we won’t know that until they wake up. I’m sorry, I really wish I knew. I know how important they are to you.” Matt was staring down at his interconnected hands. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault Matt.” I said flatly, I really wanted to get mad AT someone but I knew it wasn’t his fault. I wanted to be mad to overpower the sadness in my heart.  
We all sat in silence, at one point my hand started throbbing. I was trying to hide it, I didn’t want to lose the pain. I know it’s fucked up but at least I was feeling. B noticed though and made me take some meds. Then I got drowsy and ended up falling asleep.


	103. Don't Feed Benny

Katya’s POV

“I wonder what’s happening?” I was laying in my bed.

I’d been trying to sleep on the couch all afternoon, so far no luck. Alaska pulled me by the hands up to our room.

“You, bed. Now!” She said, pulling the blankets down.

I saluted her and got in the bed. I knew she was right, that I needed to sleep but my brain wouldn’t let me.

She pulled the blankets up and smoothed them across my chest. She gave me a little kiss on the top of my little bald head and walked over and hopped into her own. She said she was tired too but I think she just wanted to look after me bc that is what ‘Lasky does. You couldn’t find a more generous, loyal, strong, gracious, loving and compassionate person in the world. Justin was good people.

So that was an hour ago.

I sighed and tried to beat my pillow into a more sleep conducive shape as of that were a thing.

Alaska was sitting on her bed, scrolling through something on her laptop and softly smiling to herself.

“Lasky?”

“Hmmm?” She looked at me.

“What do you think is happening at the hospital right now?” I said again.

“Well last time B texted, Adore was resting and they were waiting for the doctor to find out if they could wake them up. They are probably still waiting. You know how long Drs take.”

I knew it was a bad idea but now I had to know what the risks facing Vi when they woke up were.

I was scrolling through an article about the possibility of brain damage or heart damage after a drug induced coma.

I tried to imagine Vi not being able to move well or understand basic things.

I didn’t even know I was crying until Alaska’s compassionate face was in front of me as she sat on the side of my bed.

“Hey it’s gonna be OK Brian.” She said, drying my tears with the hem of her baggy T-shirt. She gently pried my phone from me and looked to see what I was reading and frowned.

“Oh hun, you know better than to feed Benny!”

I smiled a little, we had taken to calling my run-away brain Benny because he seemed to be an entity of his own outside of my control at times.

I burst into tears and cursed myself, I’ve done so well thus far to keep them at bay.

Alaska put her long arms around me and let me cry it out. Even after I managed to to curb my tears, Alaska just sat, holding on to me, rocking slightly and humming a tune to a song I didn’t know but wanted to.   
I don’t know how long we sat there but eventually I succumbed to sleep.


	104. Unasked Questions

Bianca’s pov

“Danny. Danny wake up!” I said, shaking him gently. He had slumped into my lap about an hour and a half ago but now he needed to wake the fuck up.

“Huh?” Danny said, sitting up and shaking his head like a wet dog.

He blanched when he saw the Dr in front of him but it seemed to snap him out of sleep fast.

“Oh hi.” He said dumbly.

“Hi I’m Dr McKay.” She said proffering her arm which Adore clumsily shook with his casted one and then she shook mine.

“Are you Jason’s father?” She asked me, which made Adore snort.

“No. I’m their friend. This here is Danny, their boyfriend.”

“Oh sorry.” She said while not even looking a tiny bit contrite at basically calling me fucking old.

She rifled through the paperwork and I felt my face redden with frustration.

I mean, why go in a room where family and friends are waiting to hear news about their gravely ill friend or family without having looked at the latest paperwork? The time dragged by slowly while she thought. Danny looked at me and recognized I was about to blow. He put his hand on my shoulder for a moment as if to say BEHAVE!

“Oooookaaaayy.” The Dr said, drawing it out farther than Alaska’s Hiiieeeeee. “So it looks like we should be able to bring him.”

“Them!” Danny said sharply, I gave him a questioning look because Vi gave no shits what pronouns were used. What the hell?

She cleared her throat, “I’m sorry, THEM out of the coma today. It won’t be me doing it so I’m afraid you have to wait for the anesthesiologist but everything looks good. Any questions?”

She was the type of Dr that asked if you had any questions with one foot already out the door.

Danny just shook his head and she left.

I pulled Danny into another hug knowing he didn’t want to ask the Dr the question on his mind because he was afraid she could answer it with certainty.

The question: would Violet’s pain go away or would their youthful spirit be chained to a body that was permanently out of order?


	105. Whispering Sweet Promises

Adore’s POV

I wiped my sweaty palm against my jeans for the thousandth time. My other hand was sweaty too and it grossed me out that I would be wearing a cast drenched with sweat. I was trying to think of anything but the situation before me.

I had managed to gather up the nerve to go sit beside Jason, gathering their small cool hand in my own. Matt had come in and taken them off of dialysis, smiling a little as he wheeled the big scary machine out of the room.

That was a good sign.

Vi was going to wake up with a tube down their throat since they couldn’t take them off the ventilator until they were awake and could cough, Matt explained to me. I was worried they were going to be scared, I mean who wouldn’t?

I sighed.

Any time now a Dr was going to come into the room and wake them up and no one could tell me what would happen when they did. I know there are no guarantees in this life but I would settle for an educated guess right now.

The memory of them turning their head to me and whispering “I’m sorry” kept going through my mind. To say that had a look of anguish on their face would be a massive understatement.

But what were they sorry about?  
I kept trying to figure out why. They had no reason to be sorry about anything and I planned to tell them so when they woke up. It was easier to imagine them as asleep then looking at the steady stream of medication flowing into their body to keep them in a deep state of unconsciousness. They had about 6 different bags of medication going into their body, Matt had explained that some were the anesthetic, some antibiotics and a few others I couldn’t remember at the moment.  
B was busy on the phone and Matt said they might be able to hear me so I leaned over so my mouth was by their ear.

“Hey baby,” I whispered. “I’m right here with you. You aren’t alone and I’m not going to leave your side, ever. We will deal with whatever happens ok? I’m not leaving you. You’re so strong. You’re gonna get through this. I’m right here Jason. Please, please, please fight. If you still have pain when you wake up, I am still not going anywhere. You’re stuck with me baby. I lesser than three you.“

“Danny?” B said hesitantly.

I looked up and there was a Dr, Matt and another nurse across the bed from me.

“This is it.” I thought and gulped.


	106. Waiting

Katya’s POV

I stirred, and blinked open my eyes to see Alaska looking down at me. I must have slumped down because my head was almost in her lap. She had a small peaceful smile on her face.

“I’m sorry!! I didn’t mean to fall asleep on you!! How long have I been asleep?” I sat up quickly, feeling my face go red.

“Oh staaawwwp,” she drawled, pushing me back down “I’m just glad you got some sleep!”

I scrubbed the sleep out of my eyes and asked again “Lasky, how long have I been asleep?”

“Oh about 4 and a half hours.”

“WHAT? You’ve been sitting here this whole time!” I said, giving her a smack.

“I don’t miiiiind. I just read some.” She said holding up her phone.

“You should have moved me!!!”

She shook her head wildly.”Nooooope! You hadn’t slept, there was no way I was gonna risk waking you!! Absolutely not!!”

She let me sit up and I hugged her tightly, “thank you Justin.” I said simply.

“You’re welcome Brian!” She said brightly “you’d do the same for me!”

It’s true, I would have. I would do anything for Alaska.

Halfway down the stairs, Alaska jumped on my back and koalaed herself to me. When we got into the living room, everyone was sitting around looking apprehensive.  
Our smiles fell off our faces in record time.

“What’s wrong?” We both said at once, sitting down beside Jinkxy.

Everybody was quiet for a minute and I wanted to shake them.

“Roy texted, they’re waking up Vi…like now.” Willam said.

“Der’mo!” I blurted.

“KATYA WE DON’T SPEAK RUSSIAN!” Everyone said out of habit.

Then we sat there and waited for a call while Benny ran rampant in my head until Alaska kicked me in the shin.

“What did you do that for?!” I whispered, rubbing my shin.

“To stop Benny from running around!” ‘Lasky said.

“Fair enough!” I said and shrugged.  
It worked though, now I was thinking of my sore shin and feeling grateful I wore catsuits which would cover my bruises.

I lightly stepped on her foot a few minutes later when it looked like she was wrestling her own Benny. She kinda shook her head and smiled at me. She looped her arm around mine and sighed, putting her head on my shoulder.

And then we waited.


	107. I am Nothing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably one of my favourite chapters, I like the imagery a lot. I believe I'm rooting my own horn. *Beep Beep*

Violet’s POV

I was nothing. I was no one. I was nowhere. I was floating in the abyss.

Then I could hear Danny’s voice, all full of light and hope and most of all love. Always love.

I could not locate him though. I twisted, as if in water, “swimming” this way and that, but I still couldn’t find him in the darkness.

Then it was quiet again, hauntingly quiet. Danny was gone and I was lost. I was nothing again. I was nowhere again. I was no one again.

I saw a sequin in the blackness, a small miniscule silver sequin that glinted in spite of the surrounding inky blackness.

I travelled towards it, I don’t know if I would call it swimming although it felt like it even though I was still nothing. Maybe floating was a better word?

I wanted to reach down to pick it up but I couldn’t because I was nothing.

There was a bright light shining through to centre of it. Even in my lost state, I was curious.

“Come on Jason. You can do it.” Danny’s voice reverberated around me. It seemed to surround me like a warm, loving hug.

I was getting more and more curious about the mysterious sequin and the light emanating from it.

Well if I could see it, surely I wasn’t as nothing as I felt I was.

So I got close to look through the small hole in the middle of the sequin.

I closed my eyes against the brightness of the light as my eyes tried to adjust to the brightness and when I opened them, I saw Danny’s face. My beautiful Danny.

“Hey you!” He said shakily, trying to appear braver than he was feeling while his chin quivered at the same time. A tear splashed down onto my very solid, very there arm. He held my hand.

I was about to say hello back and ask why he looked so worried. I had naps all the time! But I couldn’t speak, I looked down to see a big tube going into my mouth and felt my eyes get big as saucers. I instinctively reached up to pull it but someone took my other hand in theirs. I looked over to see B holding my hand away from my face, he had tears in his eyes.

WHAT THE FUCK WAS GOING ON!!?

I could feel myself hyperventilating around whatever tube was in my mouth. My nostrils flaring like a bull, looking around at machines and feeling a panic attack starting.

WHAT THE HELL? WHAT THE HELL!!!

Danny leaned over to whisper “Calm down Jason, breathe in with me. 1… 2… 3… 4… now hold 1… 2… 3… 4… and let it out. Okay, do that again.”

1 or 2 minutes of that, and Matt’s face was above mine. He fiddled with a few things and then he said, “Okay Vi, when I say go, I want you to take a big breath in, and then blow out, it might make you wanna cough, and it’s okay to cough. Okay?”

I nodded once and stopped because it hurt my throat.

“Okay go!”

I took a deep breath in and blew like I was blowing out birthday candles, and a huge long tube that looked like it was too big to go in my body was pulled out and it felt like my throat was on fire.

“Good work,” Matt said smiling.

“What happened?” I tried to say but I could only mouth the words. I grabbed my throat and grimaced.

“Here, this will help.” Matt said, handing me a styrofoam cup. It started to slip, but Danny was right there to help as usual. I took a big sip of ice water and smiled a little in thanks.

“What happened?” I managed to whisper.

“One thing first I have to ask. Can you rate your pain from 1 to 10?”

Danny was holding his breath and biting his lip nervously.

I took a second to survey my body. My throat was sore and my body ached as it usually had for the past few months, but it wasn’t too bad.  
I held up 4 fingers, and everyone beamed, and Danny let out a little whoop.

After a doctor, I think was named Dr. Gee, looked me over and left I persisted with.

“Okay, tell me what the hell happened?” I croaked, and looked at Danny who was still holding my hand and grinning like a fool. Then saw his bright green cast. “And what the fuck happened to your hand?!”

“Oh this,” Danny said, dorkishly waving his hand around. “It’s no big deal! So… oh geez… I don’t know how to even start to explain what happened. Um,” Danny looked at B pleadingly.

“Uh, do I gotta do everything?” B said rolling his eyes but with a big smile on his face. “Bitch you’ve been in a coma for a day while we all had to sit and worry.” He said bluntly, the tears in his eyes spilling over as he swiped at his face angrily.

“A coma!?” I said, almost sounding like normal but a bit gruffer. I gave Danny a searching look as if to ask if it was true and he nodded, his brow furrowing.

“I’m so glad you’re okay!” He said between sobs and throwing himself gently over me in a hug.

“When you woke up from your nap yesterday, and you were in all that pain, they figured it was from the new meds, so they put you in a coma with medicine, and put you on dialysis to try to get the medication out of your system but we… we didn’t know if the pain would go away when you woke up, and I was so worried. They told us you might be in that kind of pain forever and I was so scared.” Danny said in one breath and started sobbing again. I put my bandaged arm around him and pulled him close.

“Shhh Danny, it’s okay! I’m right here! I’m right here baby.”

He put his head over my chest, as if to check that I was telling the truth by listening to the lull of my heart.

“I’m gonna go call the gang and let them know you’re okay… well as okay as you can be!” B said, still looking misty eyed as he left the room.

“Shhh baby, it’s okay! I’m okay! Now tell me what happened to your hand.”  
At this he let out a little giggle and straightened up so he was laying beside me, his arm possessively slung behind my neck.

“What’s so funny? What happened to your hand silly?”

“YOU happened to my hand.”

I screwed my face up, confused.

“It’s not a big deal! You were holding my hand and you were in a lot of pain and…”

“OH MY GOD! DID I BREAK YOUR HAND!?”

He nodded and giggled again.

“Oh baby, I’m so sorry!” I said, I turned my head and kissed his knuckles, just able to see the marbled and angry bruises that spread underneath his cast.

“I will never underestimate your strength ever again! Not that I did to begin with!” He said and winked.

I threw my head back and laughed, happy to be someone and somewhere again. The BEST somewhere, wrapped in my Danny’s arms.


	108. Effective Ways to Shut People Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So hi I’m Remény and I’m trash. You're welcome!

Katya’s POV

I exhaled a puff of smoke and closed my eyes, leaning my head back to the stone of the side of the house. It was uncomfortably rough on my bald head. I swiped my hand over my head, already feeling the stubble of new hair.

I will feel a whole lot better about this shit when Vi’s hair started to grow in. Maybe then they would be out of the woods. The scary, dark, spooky, unpredictable, insane woods.

I sucked in deeply. I should quit smoking. I know I should. Especially in the current situation. 2 drag queens with cancer. I shivered in the heat.

“God Brian, you’re an idiot!” I said loudly to myself.

“No you’re not!” Pearl said, making me jump, “they say it’s a sign of insanity to be talking to yourself.”

“WHO said I WAS sane Pearly? Rumours and lies!!” I joked chuckling while exhaling. “You should know better! I’m so not sane, i’m so FAAAR from sane!”

“It’s aaallllllll about you Katya Zamoblabitch!”

I gave him a toothy fake grin around my cigarette and nodded slowly.

“Da!”

“Katya, I don’t fucking speak Russian you asshole!” He said, stealing my cig and pushing me off kilter. It was supposed to be a light push but I wasn't prepared so I toppled over the retaining wall I was sitting on and splatted half into the rock filled flower bed and half on the concrete.

“Shit!” Pearl said, flinging the cigarette down and coming to grab me up off the ground. He stood me up and dragged me to a chair to survey the damage.

I had put my right hand out to break my fall so it was all bloody as was my knee on the same side. My body had kept going til I had pretty much landed on my head. No damage there.

“Fuck! I’m sorry hun!” He said and then he surprised me by grabbing me up, despite my protests, and bringing me into the house to sit me down on the kitchen counter.

“WHAT HAPPENED KATYA!?” Phi Phi said a bit too loudly.

“It was an accident! I’m fine!”

Pearl had been zipping around the kitchen faster than I had ever seen the laid back queen move.

“Here!” Pearl said, dumping my hand into a bowl of warm water which made me let out a hiss.  
He put a wet cloth filled with some ice cubes in my free hand and then guided it to the spot 2 inches above my ear. It was awkward to reach over across my face but not impossible. 

“Hold that there!” He picked up a white dishcloth and dunked it into the water my hand is in and began cleaning my knee up.

“What can I do?” Phi Phi said looking manic as hell in her need to help.

“Can you find some tweezers? Shouldn’t be hard to find in a house of queens.” Pearl said and turned to look at Phi Phi but the queen had booked it out of the room after Pearl finished the question.

Phi Phi came running back into the room, sliding a bit on the floor in his sock feet.

“Got the tweezers!”

Pearl didn’t look up from my knee but said “Phi Phi, can you pull any bits of gravel out of Kat’s hand.”

“Sure.” Phi phi said with trepidation.

I pulled my hand out of the water and there were maybe 6 or 8 stones imbedded which Phi Phi deftly removed within a minute. She wadded up some clean paper towel and dampened it and came over to put pressure on my hand.

Pearl had affixed a giant bandaid to my knee that made me feel like a kid again. My hand had several shallow cuts mostly at the heel of my palm. Pearl put some polysporin on a nonstick first aid pad and wrapped gauze around it, putting tape on the edge to keep it from unravelling. 

He lifted the cloth from my forehead and cleaned the long scrape out before affixing a big bandaid on my head. Well thank goodness that I wouldn't have it attached to hair. Silver linings. 

He left and returned with a fresh bag of ice which he wrapped in a towel and handed me before clearing up any wrappers and throwing the blood stained kitchen cloths into the garbage too.

I chuckled, “You never cease to surprise me Pearly! Where’d you learn first aid?”

“Boy scouts,” he said and made a face “l think my Dad thought if I got enrolled in “manly” things, that I wouldn’t have turned out queer.” At the word manly he made air quotes. “I guess I put some of it to use. Gold fucking star for me!” He joked and offered an arm for me to use to get off the counter and he walked me into the other room and we sat down on the floor.

“What the hell happened?!” Alaska exclaimed, her eyes getting huge and round and her face going pale.

“I’m fine. Pearl beat me up for a cigarette, I felt like I was in jail.”

Alaska let out a little titter of laughter. The rest of the queens looked on, but didn’t laugh.

We settled back into an anxious silence. I wish I had finished my cigarette but it had been about an hour since Roy had called to say they were going to wake Vi up, and I didn’t want to miss hearing the news with everyone else.

Pearl had seemed cool, calm, and collected outside but then again, I hadn’t really been looking at him for long before I was a sidewalk pancake. 

He was pale and wan and was currently biting his fingernails until they were bloody stumps.

“Stop that!” Alaska snapped uncharacteristically, she leaned over and pulled Pearl’s hand away from his mouth. She gave it a squeeze before letting it go. Pearl shoved his hands in his pockets.

“Sorry.” Pearl mumbled, looking at the floor.

“No I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have snapped at you Pearly. I’m just nervous but I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. I’m sorry.” Alaska said tearfully.

“It’s okay sweetie!” Pearl said “I don’t think that...”

We never got to hear what Pearl wasn’t thinking because suddenly Alaska’s phone started to play her ringtone for Bianca which was just B saying 'Really Queen?' over and over again. She stared down dumbly at her phone for a minute and then hit the talk button.

“Um hi B, I’m gonna put you on speakerphone if that’s OK.” Alaska listened for a minute and pressed a button on her phone.

“Hi everyone” B’s voice filled the room. God why couldn’t you tell if he was happy or not?? “Can everyone hear me??”

“FOR GOD’S SAKE GET TO IT!” I thought I had thought it but I had blurted it out. I covered my mouth with my hands and mumbled “I’m so sorry B!!!”

He chuckled, “it’s ok Katya. I know you’re anxious to find out about Vi so here it is.”

You could hear everyone take a deep breath in and we all held hands.

“They were weaned off the medication about an hour and a half ago. They woke up about 45 minutes ago. Their exam went well and their pain is gone! Well back to their usual right now.”

The whole room cheered. There were copious amounts of fist bumping, high fiving, hugging and a few happy tears, mostly from Fame and surprisingly enough Pearl! I put my arm around Pearl and pulled him into a hug while he sobbed into my shoulder.

“I gotta go, I promised to call Bonnie when they woke up.” 

“Ok bye” Alaska said and clicked the off button.

We all cheered and got up and hugged each other. I could feel emotion building up inside me and I was about to implode. For some reason I didn’t want to cry in front of my friends so I slipped out of the room quietly, high fiving Jinkxy on the way out and quickly running up the stairs.

I felt like my emotions were sticking in my throat threatening to choke me. 

I leaned against the wall outside 'Lasky and I's bedroom and slowly slid down it. My shoulders shook with silent sobs and I closed my eyes, tears leaking out. I didn’t even know why I was crying, I mean this was good news, no GREAT news!

I felt hands on my shoulders and opened my eyes to see Alaska’s concerned face. She was on her knees and reached around me to pull me into a hug.

“Oh hunny, what’s wrong? It’s good news. What’s wrong Brian?”

“I honestly don’t know!” I said, then I started to laugh. 

Alaska started to laugh too, the rumble of her skinny chest vibrating off of mine until she let me go one hand still on my shoulder.

“Oh fuck! I don’t know what’s wrong with me!” I said, starting to cry all over again, pinching my nose.

“You’re just relieved. That’s all silly!”

“But they could have died, they could have been in pain their whole life.” I said, completely falling apart and hyperventilating, “their career could have been over. They could have never worked again. They…”  
Alaska stopped my stressed out babbling. Well to be more precise, Alaska’s lips stopped my babbling lips by locking hers on to mine.

Well that’s one way to shut me up!


	109. Helpless, looking in your eyes.

Violet’s POV

Danny kept lifting his chin to glance at me almost as if he didn’t that I might cease to exist to him, he was curled up with me in bed and had his head on my stomach. The problem was, whenever he looked up, he pulled my line. Which hurt like the fire of a thousand suns.

“Put your head up here silly!” I said, patting the pillow. He lifted his head and I turned on my side.

We were nose to nose. He smiled and my heart squeezed. Why did he have this effect on me? I wasn’t complaining in the least! He was just so kind and incredible, too good for a little bitch like me. The one thing I've learned about being sick is that you appreciate things when it is too late. I’ve always tried to be good to my body but I never truly sat and marvelled at how well my body worked and what it was like to not have pain. 

If I get back to that place, I will appreciate it! I vowed to myself. I hated myself so much for putting Danny through this, if only we could have gotten together after this whole mess. The thought of myself, spending every minute alone reminded me too much of my childhood so I pushed it out of my mind.

“You ok baby?” Danny said gently.

I nodded. “Yeah I’m fine. Just thinking.”

“Whatcha thinking about?”

I paused for a minute and closed my eyes, trying to decide if my thoughts would worth putting into place.

“Jason, you can tell me.” Danny whispered gently, his eyes were tearing up.

“I’m sorry I’m with you.” I said bluntly. He looked shocked and I realised that didn’t come out right.

“That didn’t come out right. Sorry, chemo brain.” Chemo brain is what they called this feeling of trying to think while bees swarmed around in your brain. Or thinking with a mushy brain.

“Take your time love.” Danny said, lacing his fingers with mine, being careful with the IV in my hand. I missed them using my central line. I hated the achy feeling in my hand every time I moved it.

Danny treated me like the most fragile and rare jewel you could find in the world but I didn’t want to screw it up. I couldn’t screw it up. Which meant, of course, that I would inevitably screw it up.

“What I’ve put you through the past almost 3 weeks is horrible and I don’t want you to have to stay here with me when you can be out in the world, sharing your talent. I don’t want you to start resenting me for not being able to do what you should be doing. I don’t want to hold you back. I definitely don’t want to scare you again like I did. I lesser than 3 you too much to do that.”

“We’ve been over this Jason!” Danny said firmly, a fiery look glinting in his eyes. “I’m not leaving you! Not happening, nope. Was this how I planned us being together? No but I’m pretty sure you feel the same way. We can’t control what life brings us. We just can’t. I wish we could, I wish it with every bone in my body, even the broken ones! But we CAN be together. And I’m NOT going anywhere. I’m not, please don’t make me.” He said passionately, ending in a whimper.  
Tears were splashing onto the pillow.

I leaned in and kissed them off. Then I gave his nose an unexpected lick. He squealed and let my hand go to swipe at his nose. I wrapped my hands around his neck and pulled him in for a kiss. He smiled into the kiss and deepened it.

“Ok! OK! you horndogs!! Break it up!” Lucy said with a little giggle. I turned my head and smiled sheepishly at her.

“Hey! Look at you!!” I exclaimed and smiled so big that I felt like my face would crack. She was standing there using crutches, wearing a gorgeous sunflower dress and her signature red wig.

“Oh my God! Look at you!! You are conscious! Good for you!!!” She quipped with a huge dose of sarcasm and a giant peal of laughter before she eased herself into a chair, wincing slightly.

“You doing ok Lucy Goosey?” I said, turning to look at her.

“Oh yeah! I just sometimes get blisters with the prosthetic rubbing against my leg.”

“I can kind of relate, I used to get blisters from my corsets.” It was fucked up but I missed my corsets. They weren't comfortable but they provided a safeness somehow, like I said, it was screwed up!

“Oh fuck! Why do you wear them then?”

“Simple. Pain is beauty.”

“You are beautiful though, even in this lovely hospital gown with a thousand wires. I’m sure Danny agrees with me! Even though he’s in buttloads of pain at the moment!”

“Shhh you!” Danny said, upon closer inspection he looked slightly green.

“Take your meds Danny.” I said.

“They make me sleepy.” Danny said and pouted. “I don’t wanna be asleep when I can be with you. It scares me too much.”

“I’m not going anywhere love.” I said, and caressed his cheek before pulling him in for another short kiss.

“Why don’t you take them and if you fall asleep, I’ll keep watch over you and if I fall asleep Lucy will watch over the both us? The buddy system?”

We persisted until he took his damn meds. He struggled and struggled to stay awake and had just fallen asleep.

“So tell me how you are Miss Lucy?” I said, I felt like I haven’t seen her in ages. Apparently, a coma can really fuck a person’s time line up!

“I’m doing good. Physio is going well, it’s hard work but holla at my new crutches!” she said, smiling from ear-to-ear and lifting her pink sparkly forearm crutches into the air for a moment. “I’m so excited about 4 things!”

“Oh yeah, what’s that?” I said quietly, sneaking a pic at an adorable sleeping Danny who looked like he was about 5 years old with his hands tucked under his head. It made my heart happy to see his face so relaxed instead of the furrowed brow I have seen since I woke up. My poor baby.

“Earth to Jay? Come in Jay?”

“Oh sorry! What are you excited about darling?”

“Well for one, my brother will be home on Tuesday..um the college thing on Saturday…um my upcoming tests to see if my tumour shrunk enough to be removed…the fact that I’m now able to use my crutches over half the time. So many exciting things are happening!!”

“Oh awesome!!” and I meant it, to someone who lived outside of a hospital or illness, they would probably think being excited about the last two items would be questionable but I understood. It meant freedom. Freedom from the hospital and all it’s rules. Freedom from feeling ill all the time. Freedom from God forsaken chemo and needles. Freedom to breathe!

Which I took for granted before meeting her.

“Are you gonna go on Saturday?”

“I don’t know if I’m allowed after my latest stint.” I joked, feeling awkward.

“I hope you can, if you want to!”

I smiled and nodded “Of course I do! It’ll be fun! It would be lovely to be outside these walls.” I said looking around at the soft yellow walls.

“You know you CAN leave your room right? Like it’s not prison. If you feel well enough, you can even go outside! You know with that green stuff called grass and that yellow orb in the sky…..what’s that called again? THE SUUUUN!”

“I’m not familiar with such a thing! Sorry!” I said and shrugged the shoulder Danny wasn’t drooling on.

Lucy laughed softly. “Listen I gotta go but you should take advantage of the night off chemo to eat something. You’re looking hella skinny dear.”

“Gee thanks!”

“I only speak the truth!” She said doing scouts honour, hefting her oxygen backpack on and then wearily getting up unsteadily at first and then regaining her balance.

“Look at that, soon I’ll be fucking skipping!” She did a hair flip and giggled softly on her way out of the room.

I looked over at Danny, who was curled into my side. I just stared at his long nose, crazy ass eyebrows that always made me giggle and those perpetually pouty lips. I couldn’t help but raise my free arm up to stroke his peach fuzz of hair on his head. It was soft and so I sat there and drew designs with my finger while I studied his serene face.

God this boy has me wrapped around his little finger. I’m in so deep. I thought and smiled.

I am laying in a hospital bed, surrounded by machines and hooked up to a billion wires, bald head on display, battling cancer but I was the happiest I’d been in a long time. 

Hello Irony. Nice to see you.


	110. Happy smells and happy Benny

Katya’s POV

I couldn’t help it. Justin’s lips were on mine but he didn’t seem to be breaking the kiss so I took that as a signal to wrap my arms around his neck and pull his body in closer to mine. Then my brain kicked in and I pushed him away.

“Are you ok?” I said dumbly.

He let out a big HA! and pulled me back in. His lips were soft, almost buttery. He smelled like a mixture of muskiness, like walking through the forest but softer, mixed with the smell of his cinnamon toothpaste and the fleecy fabric softener he had used on his favourite blue Tshirt. It was a very good smell. A happy smell.

I don’t know how long we were there, slowly getting our tongues acquainted with each others mouths, our bodies intertwined awkwardly, half in the hallway, half in our room.

Time seemed to stop. I didn’t even know I felt this way for ‘Lasky, we’ve always just been like peanut butter and jelly, sausage and sauerkraut, ocean and sand ever since we met.

 

Someone cleared their throat loudly in the hall and we both jumped and broke apart, a little out of breath to see Sharon, whose face went red and if looks could kill, we would have both been dead at that very moment. She stalked past, stumbling over our legs and slamming the door to her room.

 

“Oh dear.” Alaska said, looking dismayed, pulling her knees up to her chest and leaning her head back to the wall with a thump.

“Do you need to go talk to her?” I said, putting my hand on his shoulder and rubbing firm, slow circles with my thumb. His face was taut with worry or stress or maybe he just had to poop?

“Don’t you think we should try to figure out what this,” he gestured madly between him and I, “is first?”

“Good idea!” I said and hopped up like a jack in the box and held my arms out to help him up, we didn’t let go of each other’s hands as we went into our room. I gave him a questioning look and nodded my head at the door.

 

“No, leave it open. Just in case Sharon decides to run. I don’t want her to do anything stupid.”

 

We sat down on his bed, he looked worried. Maybe this whole kiss thing was a one time deal just to shut me up? I mean I didn’t know it was something that I wanted until it happened. Like Alaska and I had spent so many nights hanging out, falling asleep together, supporting each other. What if it didn’t work? Maybe I was just a rebound. Maybe I was…

Alaska squeezed one of my hands. “Brian come on back. Tell Benny to shut up. If this was a mistake, if I overstepped my boundaries, we can just forget this whole thing happened.”

 

“Do you want to forget it?” I asked, I wanted to cross my fingers.

 

He just shook his head violently. “Not really, unless you do?”

It was my turn to shake my head but then I let go of one of his hands to do a facepalm. 

“What’s wrong?”

“I really don’t want to lose our friendship if things don’t work out. I don’t know what I would have done without you and we get along so well and I didn’t even know I wanted to kiss you til now! Did you?” I said with a mirthless little chuckle ruining my hand down my face.

He looked down at his lap and then straight at me, “Brian, I have wanted to kiss you since forever.”

“WHAT?! Why didn’t you TELL ME!?” I said and thwacked 'Lasky’s chest.

“I didn’t want to make it awkward because you didn’t seem to be interested. I also don’t want to lose our friendship. You mean so much to me Brian, if it’s between a relationship and a friendship, I can’t stand the thought of losing you in my life altogether!”

“I keep thinking I didn’t know I wanted to kiss you until I did, but I think I have. But you deserve so much better than a neurotic, childish, overthinking, chain smoking loser like me!” I said knowing I could always be 100% honest with Justin.

“But you aren’t those things!! Well maybe some,” he laughed. “You are also a funny, thoughtful, smart, compassionate and brave soul and I hope I can do my best to deserve you. We don’t have to decide right now though I mean we can…”

I took his beautiful face between my own and said “Alaska Thunderfuck 5000 from the planet Glamtron, will you date this Russian Bisexual Transvestite Hooker?” he nodded with his face still in my hands and I pulled him in for a kiss.

When we broke apart Alaska added “as long as we promise that if things don’t work out, we can still be friends and…” suddenly his eyes darted to the door. I turned my head long enough to see Sharon going by the door.

Alaska jumped up and bounded out the door. I didn’t follow, I knew that they needed to talk. So I would just sit here and worry.

I laid back on 'Lasky’s bed, his pillow still smelled like the forest, cinnamon and fabric softener, I inhaled deeply and curled into the fetal position on my side. I smiled to myself and for once Benny was in a happy mood.


	111. Fists of Fury

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi I'm Rem and I am trash.

Adore’s POV

“Hun you have to eat something, please?” I said, giving them my most puppy dog eyes. I yawned again, still drowsy from the pain meds. The food cart woke me up and Vi looked like they had been jolted out of sleep too.

“Hey hunny, do you want chicken fingers and fries, grilled cheese and soup or a turkey and swiss sandwich? Or you can always order off of the room menu if you want something different.” The woman with a red apron with the hospital logo said. “It takes about 30-45 minutes once you order something.”

Violet looked like a deer in the headlights for a minute then they smiled. “I think I’ll order something. Thank you!”

“No problem dear! Channel 54.” She smiled, turning around.

I grabbed the remote and handed it to them before they could change the subject. “Channel 54 you!”

“It’s kinda crazy that you can get room service in a hospital.” Vi said shaking their head.

“Well it kinda makes sense, especially at a children’s hospital. Kids can be picky. So can drag queens!” I said, giving them a playful smack on the shoulder. Vi winced slightly.

“Are you in pain?”

“A bit. I’m gonna get some food then I will call Matt.” Vi clicked through the pages of the menu. They had everything from breakfast, tacos, salads, so many different types of sandwiches, pizza and burgers. By the time we got to the desserts we were both agog.

Vi was just deciding when Matt sauntered in the room. He looked at the TV and smiled. “Hey! You look better than this morning! I have pain meds for you with me. I’m glad you are looking at food because I need to talk to you.”

“What’s up?” Vi said, sitting up on their elbows and then grimacing.

“Ok meds first.” After he was done injecting the meds, he straightened up and pulled up a chair. "So your Drs are concerned that you have been losing a lot of weight. It’s not uncommon for a person with your condition and a person on chemo to lose weight but you came in with a very slight frame to begin with. We need to weigh you. We need you to start having ensure, smoothies or milkshakes with your meals or even on their own as much as possible.”  
He paused for a minute to clear his throat. “If you can’t keep anything down we will have to talk about alternate nutrition called TPN which would go in your veins but that has it’s own complications because your stomach is kinda dumb and forgets how to work properly. But we need to weigh you and for the next little while we need to take account of what you are eating so you gotta eat what you can and let us come and get it what’s left from you to make sure you are getting enough calories. Outside food is fine, just tell us what you ate ok? The other option is to put a tube up your nose called an NJ, kinda bypass the stomach and put formula directly into your intestines but can we could try the food first. Just be conscious of making sure you are eating as many calories as possible, ok?”

Vi nodded, looking determined.

“So are you ok to walk to the scale or do you want me to bring it to you?” Matt asked, compassion in his eyes.

“I can walk there.” Vi said, I could tell that they were struggling with their pride. 

“You sure baby?” I jumped up and went onto the other side of the bed and offered my hand. Violet stood up and their legs shook like Bambi’s.  
I thought my heart was going to drop down to my toes when they fell.

Thankfully I caught them up before they could shatter on the floor.  
I scooped them up bridal style, getting a bit caught up with all their wires and held them and I looked over my shoulder at Matt and said “I think you should bring it here.” He smiled and trotted away.

I looked at Violet and knew right away that something was wrong. There was a single tear escaping their downcast eyes.

And then they hit me.

They pounded on my chest, fists flailing, face red. Then the tears came. Streams of tears that dripped off their chin and splattered on my shirt. They seemed to lose stream until they were no more than outraged  
gentle taps. I sat down on the bed and kept holding them.

“Shh baby, it’s ok love. You can’t help it.”

 

“IT’S NOT FAIR!” Vi said through great sobs. “I CAN’T DO ANYTHING! I HATE IT! I HATE THIS PLACE!! I HATE THIS STUPID BODY! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!” 

“SHH it’s gonna be ok! You are going to be ok. I promise you are going to be ok!”

“Put me down and get out.” They whispered so quietly that I could hardly hear them. I must not have heard them. I put them down gently on the bed.

“Jason…it’s ok to not be ok right now. You are sick. Let people help you for a bit. I promise you will be stronger soon.”

“GET OUT!” They said and threw an empty mug at me which thankfully missed me and shattered against the wall.

“What’s wrong Jason? What are you thinking about?”

“I promised my sister she would be ok and she wasn’t Danny! You can’t promise shit like that because if or when something happens to me, you will have to live with that for the REST OF YOUR LIFE!” They said, still crying, their eyes pleading with me.

I went to give them a hug and they put their hands up to stop me. “I need you to get out for right now.”

“No! I’m NOT leaving you!”

“GET OUT!!!” They screamed and monitors started going off.

For Jason’s health, I ran out the door.  
As soon as I left, I wanted to go back in. They were crying loudly and my heart was breaking. I was crying too, great rivulets of tears cascading down my face. I slid down the wall outside their door, pulled my knees into my chest and put my face in my hands. A few nurses went into their room, Matt giving me a quizzical look on the way by.

I just sat there crying and listening to them cry until I felt a small cool hand on my shoulder and looked up to see Lucy who was crying as well.

“I can’t get down there to hug you so you gotta come to me.” She said, “c'mon.” She turned and went into her room. I followed and she had sat on her bed. She flung her arms out and said “Git your ass over here!”

I went and she hugged me. She didn’t let me go as I cried into her shoulder. She didn’t say a word just rubbed my back.

When I finally pulled away, the shoulder of her shirt was completely soaked.

"Sorry about your shirt.” I sniffled.

“Oh puhlease! I’m not the wicked witch, I ain’t gonna melt! Let me guess, Jason tried to do something and couldn’t and you promised him things would be ok?”

“Did you hear us?”

“Nah I just got back, I just heard them say to get out. I did the same thing to my brother the first time I couldn’t do something and my brother promised I would be able to again. It’s hard to explain, I’ll just say that with sickness there is a mourning period where you gotta feel that grief. No one is promised, anything in this life. Don’t promise things you have no control over.” She said and squeezed my knee.

“Has anyone ever told you that you are wiser than your years?” I said in wonder.

“Well growing up where I did taught me a lot of things and when I was supposed to be praying, I was thinking instead.”

“And thinking wasn’t allowed?”

“Oh hell no! Especially if you were a girl!”

I screwed up my face. “That sucks!”  
She nodded.

“You know they still love you right?” She said, looking up at me through her lashes. I could still faintly hear Violet crying and all I wanted to do was go hold them tight and tell them how strong they are and tell them how brave they are. I stood up to go to them but Lucy grabbed my arm.

“Oh no you don’t!! That would be the absolute worst thing to do while they are still upset. It’s almost night, doesn’t your Mom live near here?”

“Yeah but…”

“But nothing! You need to get a good night's rest, come back in the morning. I’ll go talk to them. That IS something I can promise to you.”

“Well my friends are in town for one more night, I guess I could stay there.” I said while wanting to run into their room.

“Come'on, I’ll walk you out so you aren’t tempted to go in. Please trust me.” She said, pulling her crutches over to herself and standing up. She looked like a bodyguard protecting Violet.

I sighed. “Just make sure they know that I love them.” I whispered. I turned and walked down the hall, it was unbearable for me to hear them crying and not being able to help. I started running, large tears flying off my face and didn’t stop until I was halfway to the house and feeling like my lungs were going to explode. I slowed to a walk and was outright sobbing like a maniac, people were staring but I didn’t care.

My heart wasn’t just shattered but grinded down to dust.

What the fuck am I going to do? I thought as I rang the doorbell.


	112. Fleeing With My Anger

Sharon’s POV

The mood in the room after hearing the good news was nothing short of electric. We were all celebrating.

“Hey this news deserves a party which requires some champagne or something. I’m gonna go get my wallet if anyone wants to come to the store with me. Be back in a sec!” I said and sprinted up the stairs.

I came to an abrupt stop at the top of the stairs. Alaska and Katya were sprawled in the hall kissing.

My anger, which has been simmering all day with the stress of waiting for news, boiled over. I cleared my throat loudly and was satisfied with how they jumped apart from being caught in the act. 

How fucking long has this been going on?

I felt my face go red and I rushed by them, tripping on their legs but catching myself. I went into my room and slammed the door. I was fuming! I paced around my room, trying to figure out what I was going to do and why I was so angry.

It’s true, I still loved Justin. Of course I do but we just weren’t good together anymore. So why the fuck was I so angry?

Maybe I was angry because he never told me about it? We were finally in a good place where we could actually be friends again and I felt hurt that he didn’t tell me.

And hurt in my heart always turned to rage. I punched my pillow a few times.

Why didn’t he tell me?

PUNCH

Didn’t he trust me?

PUNCH

Were we really not as good of friends as I thought?

PUNCH

I knew my opinion was important to Justin, or I thought it was. Did he think I wouldn’t approve?

PUNCH

Maybe my opinion didn’t matter as much as he told me it did?

PUNCH

I felt like the room was closing in on me. I needed to get out of here. NOW!

I punched the pillow one more time for good measure and threw it across the room.

I grabbed my wallet from my bedside table and shoved it in my pocket. When I opened the door, they were gone from the hallway. I stalked past and ran down the stairs.

The doorbell rang. I opened the door to a bawling out-of-breath Adore, I paused for a moment and let her in but didn’t stay to find out what was wrong. it makes me a shitty person but I was too filled with my own rage to pause.

I grabbed someone’s hoodie from the hook by the door because I didn’t want to go up to my room again and risk someone asking why I was upset.

I walked briskly away from the house, going towards the direction of downtown. I wasn’t really sure where I was going but I had to leave the house for a bit.

I got to the corner when I heard Justin yelling. "Aaron! Aaron! come back!”

I kept going but slowed down a bit. 

“Hey are you ok? Sorry stupid question! I’m sorry. I’m sorry!” He said when he caught up with me.

I came to an abrupt stop and turned to face him.   
“I thought we were good!” I whined, then got angry that I sounded so desperate.

“We are! We are hun! I promise!!”

“How long have you two been going out? I know you have been sharing a room a lot on tour but I thought it was because you were both sober not because you’re hooking up!” 

“We arn’t!!”

“What do you mean you arn’t? I SAW you!”

“That just happened tonight, I swear to you! I mean I’ve wanted to kiss Katya for a long time but there never seemed to be a good time. This wasn’t really a good time either but he was freaking out and I just kissed him.”

“IF you’ve liked him for a long time, why didn’t you kiss him earlier than tonight?”

“I just didn’t want to fuck up Katya and I’s friendship. Katya and I have grown really close, we lean on each other when we are tempted. I don’t want to fuck that up. I’m sorry you found us that way. I didn’t mean to keep it from you, I promise! Do you believe me?”

“Of course I do! Sorry for flying off the handle! You know how important you are to me and I just thought you were lying to me."

"Absolutely not!” He slung an arm across my shoulders and pulled me into a one armed hug. 

I’m glad I wasn’t angry anymore. I may seem like an emotionless punk but with ‘Lasky, I couldn’t turn off my feelings. No matter how much PBR I drank or drugs I did. Justin made me feel and I both loved and hated him for it. 

“Do you forgive me?” He batted his eyelashes at me which made me crack up.

“I guess.”

“Ok let’s go see what happened to Adore.”

“Oh yeah” I said and smacked my hand on my forehead. “Geeze I’m a rotted cunt! I was so consumed by being angry that I didn’t even stop to ask what was wrong. What if something happened to Violet?” I said and we both started running.

“Aaron,” Justin yelled over the thumps of our feet, slowing down to keep pace with me. “You aren’t a rotted cunt! You’re Just a regular cunt!”

We discovered it’s hard to run and laugh at the same time!


	113. Cry Me a River

Bianca’s PoV

I heard the doorbell ring once but I was in my room. I was sprawled out on my bed with my head resting on my crossed arms. I had been reading but finished the book. It was an alright book.

I can’t believe we had one night left here. I couldn’t help but worry about the kid when we left. He spent every waking moment with Violet and it was evident by the purple bags that were under his eyes that he wasn’t sleeping. I mean I don’t blame him, he and Vi were in a stressful situation.

Obviously I’m not happy Vi was put in a coma but I was happy we were here to support Danny or he may not have gotten medical attention for his hand and that can turn into a bone infection or wouldn’t heal properly and leave his hand permanently disabled. I know Danny well enough that he is as stubborn as I am.

Someone knocked on my door but didn’t give me a chance to even say come in. It was Fame and she looked so pale.

“You need to come out to the living room. Adore is here and she is really upset. I don’t know if something happened to Violet but she’s crying too hard to understand.”

I popped up so quick it made me dizzy and almost ran out to the living room. I scanned the room but Adore wasn’t there, just a bunch of anxious as fuck queens with washed out faces.

I could hear Danny crying violently in the foyer of the house and turned the corner. He was sitting on the floor with his knees up to his chest and his head in his hands, rocking slightly. Jinkx was kneeling by him with their hand on his shoulder, they looked worried and helpless. There was a table on the other side of Danny but Jinkx moved it and went in front of him so I could go beside him.

“Danny?”

As soon as he heard my voice, he turned and wrapped his arms around me. I rubbed his back and held him close. He was wracked with sobs and he kept trying to speak but it was unintelligible. I rocked him slightly and cooed, “Shhhh it’s ok baby! Shhhh Danny, just breathe. It’s ok! Let it out.”

The door opened and an out of breath Alaska and Sharon came in.

“ Oh hunny.” Alaska said and frowned. She went into the living room and came back a few minutes later. “Tea’s brewing. What can I do?”

Sharon had knelt down beside me and grabbed one of Adore’s hands in hers.

Danny had gone from sobbing so hard he stopped breathing to loud crying. Alaska sat beside Sharon and gently held his casted hand.

We sat like that for I don’t know how long. We were each whispering soothing words. I was getting more worried every second. HAD something happened to Violet?

“Ok Danny, let’s get you up to the couch babe. C’mon.” 

We stood up. Sharon and I grabbed Danny under the arms and hefted him up and walked with him Wizard of Oz style until we sat him down on the couch. He was down to whimpering his eyes closed but tears were still escaping under his long eyelashes.

Alaska put a bunch of mugs of tea on the table and sat at Danny’s feet putting one hand on his knee.

Katya walked into the room scrubbing sleep out of her eyes with a dopey grin on her face which quickly fell off her face.

“Der’mo!” Katya said rushing around the couch.

For once, no one responded with a ‘Katya we don’t speak Russian’! And that seemed to solidify the look of horror on her face. She knelt down beside ‘Lasky and grabbed Danny’s hand.

“What happened?” Fame asked in a whisper, crying almost as hard as Danny. She was in Pearl’s arms because Patrick had flown back to NYC this afternoon.

“Danny what happened?” I said a bit louder. “Is Violet ok?” Which was a stupid question since he would be with them right now if things were ok with Violet.

He took a deep breath, opened and closed his mouth a few times and then started crying again.

“Danny, you need to tell us.” I told him firmly, grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him slightly. “We care about you and Violet and you are making us very worried.”

“O…ok. J..J..Jason” he stuttered between shaky breaths, it was clear to see he was battling his emotions to get them under control. “They got really mad at me and kicked me out of their room. What if they don’t let me come back B? I don’t think I can live without them!” He said and started sobbing again.

Oh shit.

Fame stood up, a look of sheer determination across her face. “I’m gonna go talk to them.” Pearl tried to stand up but Fame pushed her back down. She took a deep breath.

“Alone….I have to do it alone. I’m gonna order an Uber and I’ll check in with you Adore, I promise.”

Danny started wailing even louder when Fame was done talking.  
She frowned but came over and squeezed Danny’s shoulder before slipping out of the room.


	114. Tension, Dispair and a Marriage

Violet’s point of view

Lucy had come in earlier to calm me down, I was crying with my back turned away from the door when she crept in. I thought it was Danny and I was still mad so I said, “Danny go away.” I felt so tired and fed up with life.

“Sorry girlfriend, I’m not your boyfriend.” Lucy said, putting her hand on my shoulder. 

I didn’t turn but just mumbled, “Go away Lucy.”

“No absolutely not. Talk to me Jay.”

I turned over onto my back. “I’m fucking everything up Lucy.” I didn’t bother wiping my tears as they continued to fall.

“Yeah, you are but I did the same thing with my brother and everything was fine darling.” she leaned her crutches on the bed and plunked her Oxygen bag down and said “Scootch.”

I slid over and Lucy laid back beside me on the bed and gathered me into a light hug.

“He’s never gonna forgive me!! Why the fuck did I do that?” I said pressing my palms to my puffy eyes.

“Listen to me Jay, Danny will be back in the morning. It’s gonna be ok!”

“You don’t know that! He’s probably gone to his Mom’s to pack to go back on tour and I’ll be all alone.” I said, starting to cry all over again at the thoughts of me sitting here all alone and abandoned.

“Because I told him to come back tomorrow. He promised you something and you were full of doubt and you got angry and it happens. I have a feeling you like to have control and this is a new situation for you. It’s ok to be angry. You have motherfucking cancer and it’s ok to be angry about that! You are also missing out on a tour that you worked very hard for too!”

“Really?” I said dumbly.

Lucy laughed “I know it’s a crazy thought” she said sarcastically “but it’s ok to be hoppin’ mad. I know I was! I had just gotten out of a horrible situation with the cult and was just coming to grips that the big bad world wasn’t so bad after all. I got to see my brother becoming who he really was and then BAM I get diagnosed with the big C. At that point we were still in foster care but shortly after our foster family dropped us, saying we were too "high needs”.“ She made quotation marks at the high needs part.

I made an ew face and opened my mouth but couldn’t get any sound out because Lucy swore loudly when she looked at the clock.

"Shit I gotta go! Matt is gonna take me to go pick up my brother at the airport! Shh don’t tell anyone though because I’m prrreeeetty sure he’s not supposed to even though he’s off.” She gave my knee a squeeze and stood up.

“Can you please apologize to Matt for me? I think I scared him when I was freaking out.”

“I’ll tell him. It’s gonna be ok Jay.”

“Say hi to your brother for me! I can’t wait to meet him!” I said half-heartedly but she seemed not to take offense in the current situation. 

She left with a wave and I was plunged once again into the depths of my doubt and fear. I started crying softly again. It wasn’t the desperate-can’t-breathe-sobbing-with-your mouth-open-in-a-silent-scream kind of crying, this was quiet despair.

What had my life become? I had won the Olympics of drag, modeled for magazines that no drag queen had been on, I had toured the world, I had finally told Danny I liked him. All such amazing things.

Now I’m sitting alone in a hospital room staring out the big window but not really seeing anything but the sum of my failures. I was sitting here wearing a pastel blue gown they must have put on me while I was in a coma. I shivered at the thought of being in a coma and waking up to find I was in that agony for my entire life, at least that is one thing I can be thankful for from today. I looked down at myself, I was reduced to wires and tubes and bones, I ran a hand across my hip bone that was making a tent out of the loose fabric, I have always been a skinny person but this was disconcerting even me. I could feel my muscles getting weaker as my body burned them for fuel but it was hard to eat when history showed that it wouldn’t stay down. It seemed like an exercise in futility but I picked up my remote and resolutely ordered some breakfast for dinner and a milkshake. At least I didn’t have chemo today.

 

I was so tired and felt weighed down, tied down. I closed my eyes for a moment, and then a moment longer until I fell into a restless slumber.  
I woke up slowly but kept my eyes closed, it was juvenile but I just lay there for a minute and hoped that it was all a bad dream. I felt like there were eyes on me, as a person who’s been on TV, my senses had been honed to know when people were staring at me. I wished with all my heart that it was Danny and this whole thing had never happened. While I was wishing I added that it would be swell if we were back in a hotel room on tour and that I wasn’t potentially dying of cancer. 

The thing that finally got me opening my eyes was the smell of bacon and pure curiosity of who was looking at me.

I never expected it to be Kurtis, who was sitting beside the bed. He was hunched in on himself and he had wet patches on the knees of jeans from his tears falling. 

He looked up, surprise and pain painted his face before he could change the canvas to a false cheery disposition. He swiped the remaining tears off his face.

“Hey hunny. How ya doing?” He said jumping up to hug me and reconsidering. His eyes scanned all the medical equipment like he was afraid he might break me if he hugged me.

“C'mon you.” I said, holding my arms out. Things had been awkward between Fame and I since the kiss.

He hugged me gently and then stood up and pulled the table over to me while I put my bed upright. I really wanted to get outta this bed and sit in a chair or something but I was still hooked up to everything and didn’t want to bother a nurse to help me move everything. I slowly started to eat.

“How are you Miss Famey Wamey?” I said.

“Oh I’m fine!! I should be asking you! Ok no bullshit, how are you?”

I pushed my food around on my plate. “I don’t know. My brain is like I put a bunch of fishnets in the wash, it’s all tangled. How is Danny?”

“I’ll tell you what I know if you eat something.” He bargained. “Then we can talk about it or something else or whatever you want but you need to eat.” He said, giving me the eagle eye. 

I knew by the “something else” that he wanted to talk about the kiss. I mean we did need to. I missed my friend and I didn’t want anything to be left unsaid if….

“Vi? You ok?” I nodded and took a small bite hoping if I started to eat that he would start talking. “Danny is at the house, the gang there are calming him down and keeping an eye on him.”

“Is he going back on tour with you guys?” My eggs felt like they were made out of iron as they dropped into my stomach while I waited for Kurtis to respond.

“No of course not!! A girl named Louise or something told him to come back tomorrow. She just said you needed time to think. What happened?”

“Lucy. The first thing I saw today was a bunch of anxious faces circling me, there was a tube down my throat and a million machines in here and I was so scared. Then Danny kept giving me a look like I was going to disappear. So I was keyed up to begin with.” I was talking faster than anyone had a right to, word vomit that I had to get out of my body. Still better than actual vomit. “Then Matt had come in to tell me I had to gain weight and stuff which I agree with but then I was supposed to go to the scale in the hall to get weighed so they knew how much I lost and had to regain. I fell almost as soon as I stood up. Danny scooped me up and held onto me like a baby and told Matt to bring the scale here. Even saying it out loud it sounds stupid but EVERYTHING has been taken from me Kurtis, I should at least be able to make my own decisions. Hurting Danny is more painful than my Leukemia to be honest. I mean he’s with a guy who might be dying of cancer and who broke his hand!”

“You are NOT dying of cancer! You can’t be.” Kurtis came and sat on the side of the bed and put his hand on my knee.

“I’m working on not dying, believe me, even though I look and feel like death. Danny deserves better though and I’ve had a lot of time to think since he left…maybe I just wanted him to decide to dump me so this wouldn’t hurt him, so I wouldn’t hurt him anymore.” I looked down into my lap.

Fame put a hand under my chin and made me look up, there were tears flowing down his face. “But Jason, don’t you see that doing that is hurting him so much more than being with you right now while you fight?”

I thought about it, truly thought about all the times I had pushed him away, all the times I told him that he shouldn’t be with me, that I wasn’t good enough for him. It was a lot.

“You’re right. How do I fix it?” I said, feeling empty and hollow where the iron eggs once were. Was there even a chance to salvage things?

“Talk to him. Tell him you were scared. It’s OK to be scared Vi, you don’t have to be so damn brave all the time. Just let him in. If him deciding for you was really a trigger in your anger, talk to him about that too. Just let him fucking in Vi.”

“Me brave?” I snorted “I’m constantly terrified! I know what it’s like to have someone who is your whole world leave you. I’m afraid to be Danny’s world.”

Kurtis looked confused but said “You are his world. You have been for a very long time. Not much longer than he’s been yours.” He gave me a knowing smile even though he still looked confused. “I’m sorry." 

"About what? You don’t have anything to be sorry about.”

“No I’m just sorry someone who was your world left you.” He said sadly.   
He wasn’t prying, that was one of the things I liked about Fame, he would give you his full support even if he didn’t know the full story.

“I was talking about my sister. She was my world. She had Leukemia too. She died.”

“Oh hunny!” He pushed the table out of the way and hugged me. A proper hug, not one as if I were made from bubbles that might pop. It had been a long time since he had really hugged me. There were perfunctory hugs for appearances after the kiss tore us apart but they weren’t real.

I was crying and I’m sure that Fame thought it was about Cass but it was because I was so stupid to have allowed a fucking kiss to bomb down our friendship, it was because I missed this so much.

“What the hell happened with us? We were such good friends.” Fame said between hiccups.

“How the hell am I supposed to know!” I said sarcastically, “You were the sober one!”

“True. True! But I was so exhausted I was out of it as much as you were!” His face broke into a smile. “Can we stop being divorced now?” He whined with an over exaggerated pout.

“I now pronounce us Fashion Wives!” I said raising my arms up in triumph which turned into a hiss of pain from my line being pulled.

“Oh my God! What did I do?” He jumped back, looking like a deer caught in the headlights of a car.

“Calm down!” I said, finding the nurses button and hitting it viciously. “It’s my line, I pulled it when I lifted my arm. it was caught. You didn’t do anything.”

A new nurse came in and went to go get me my pain meds, which were late as usual. I swear Matt kept this place running and it was noticeable if he wasn’t working. 

There was pain radiating out from my collarbone where the line was placed, my bones felt like jello and my phone chimed, replacing the thoughts of physical pain with a new pain.

My heart hurt as I turned on my phone to see a text message waiting for me from Danny. I expected a “I’m gonna give you your space” or “let me know when you are feeling better” but all I got was,

“See you tomorrow, sleep well my love!”

After my meds were given I started closing my eyes for extended periods of time. Slipping in and out of wakefulness like a thief slipping into the darkness. Fame was sitting in the chair beside me, pretending to be looking at his phone when I knew he was looking at me every time my eyes were closed.

“Hey hun?” I said groggily.

“Yeah?”

“Go get a good night's rest and tell Danny I will see him in the morning. Tell him…I’m sorry and that I know I hurt him. Give him a hug from me?”

He smiled and gave my hand a squeeze. "I will see you tomorrow before we leave.”

He reluctantly left and I curled onto my side, hugging my pillow and pretending it was Danny until I fell into an exhausted sleep.


	115. I Remember Everything

Miss Fame’s POV

I looked back at Vi one more time before I left, they had curled into a ball and were hugging a pillow. They looked about 12 but they were sleeping, their face was relaxed and one arm had slipped off the bed. I went and put it back on the bed so they didn’t wake up with a sore elbow. I prayed they wouldn’t wake up while I was doing so and thankfully they didn’t. Their hand was cold and they were shivering slightly. I grabbed a blanket from the couch and draped it over them, their face was peaceful and their furrowed brow from earlier was smoothed out.

So with one last look at my newly reunited fashion wife, I slipped out of the room and then out of the hospital.

Then I just walked, I walked towards the house but taking extra time to think.

I pretended not to remember the kiss but I did, vividly. I just thought it was easier if they thought my memory was blurred as theirs. Well not by alcohol but exhaustion.

It was 4 in the morning and they were hopelessly drunk. I pulled them out of the club. Mostly because there was a very large, VERY creepy man watching their every move and I was afraid they would hurt Violet in their drunken state. I still don’t know to this day if something would have happened but I kept getting flashes in my head of him kidnapping them. 

I couldn’t shake it even though I knew it was unreasonable, so I dragged (pun intended) their ass out of the bar even as they were complaining that they were horny and there was trade. 

They could hardly stand so I put my arm around their waist to steady them. 

They leaned into me and put their head on my shoulder. They smelled like a mixture of perfume, alcohol and cigarette smoke. 

They burped loudly then giggled, “ooopsy!”

“Let’s get you something to eat.” They were like trying to wrangle a toddler. They kept spinning this way and that.

“But I’m not”

“Hungry? I know! But we gotta soak up some of that alcohol.” I said persistently. 

We got up to the hotel room we were sharing. Violet was pouting and I was stumbling along with them since at the moment I was supporting their dead weight. They kept muttering angrily about trade at the bar. I let go of them for one second to fish my card key out to open the door and they had slid down the wall. I managed to open the door. I went to help them up but they pushed my hand away and crawled into the room. Only then would they let me heft them up and deposit them on the bed.

I quickly ordered a few things from room service and passed Violet a bottle of water. “Here drink this.”

They downed it at once and stood up unsteadily. “Where are you going?”

“Geeze I’m going to the bathroom, will you just relax mom?”

They held onto the walls to steady themselves and I was afraid they were gonna fall so I hovered outside the bathroom, just leaning on the wall facing the door. It felt like they were in there for eternity. Then they finally opened the door and saw me and then lunged at me with a devilish glint in their eyes and kissed me.

The kiss was long, Violet melting into me. They tasted like mojitos and vodka. Their hands were roaming all over my body as my hands settled around their waist. We were interrupted by a pounding on the door as we jumped apart guiltily.

“Oh shit!” Vi muttered, receding into the bathroom, with wide eyes and giggling madly.

It was the food. Who knows how far we would have gone if they hadn’t come.

After Violet came out of the bathroom, “sorry but you took me away from trade.” They joked, suddenly sober but trying to make the situation less awkward. I didn’t speak or even make eye contact with them, I just gave them their sandwich and some water and quickly took my makeup off in the bathroom and mutely laid down in my bed, facing away from them.

“Fame?” They whispered, their voice sounded broken.

I didn’t answer. I heard footsteps.

“Fame?” They said, almost making me jump since they were right behind me. I stayed silent and shortly after they got into bed. They must have thought I was asleep because I could hear them quietly crying. It was murdering me not to say anything but I was stuck in the tangles of my worries. 

What would Patrick say? I obviously had to tell him. They kissed me first but what did it say about me that I didn’t pull away right away? It wasn’t 100% Vi’s fault. It felt like hours before they finally fell asleep but it was probably only 30 minutes. 

I didn’t sleep much that night, I kept waking up and I was having nightmares about what Patrick would do, about Violet getting kidnapped by that guy, about zombie chickens for some reason. I woke up early and crept around and packed up my stuff. Violet was sprawled on their bed, still in most of their drag.   
Thankfully they had taken their corset off at least. Their makeup was smeared over their face and there was a pool of mascara on their pillow but they were sleeping soundly.

I put my bags by the door and looked back at them. I reconsidered and found their phone, setting a few alarms so they wouldn’t miss their flight. Well we were supposed to go together but I had found an earlier flight online with a much needed detour. 

I left my room key with a note and a bottle of Advil.

“Hey Vi,  
I found an earlier flight, gotta take care of a few things so I’ll see you tomorrow night in Philly! Take these, they’ll make your head seem smaller. Fame”

The cabby passed me a box of tissues when I started to cry about halfway to the airport.

“You ok back there?” The kind older man said. “Girl troubles? Boy troubles?” he said with a shrug.

“You could say that.”

“Well hopefully your trip will help. Just remember life is short. I learned that the hard way when I lost my Roberta 5 years ago.”

“I’m sorry for your loss.” I said, making me cry harder at the thought of this poor old man suddenly finding himself alone.

“Me too kid, me too. Where ya headed?” He asked as we pulled up to the airport.

“New York.” I said, feeling scared shitless for what would happen later in the day. I thanked him and paid him before grabbing up my bags. I had less than 4 hours between waiting for the flight and the flight itself before I had to face Patrick at the airport.

My feet, surprisingly, had carried me back to the house while I thought. I looked at my phone and grimaced, it had taken me over an hour to walk the short distance back to the house. I should have come straight back, I chastised myself for neglecting Adore who was probably absolutely worried sick about Vi. I pushed open the door to find everyone sitting calmly watching a movie. Danny was nowhere to be seen and no one noticed I was back. They were watching some gruesome slasher film.

I leaned my head between Katya and Pearl and whispered “Hey little boys, want some candy?” They both jumped a mile and I giggled. “Sorry I couldn’t resist. Where’s Adore?”

“Her and B went for a walk, Adore’s been a mess. Where the fuck have you been?” Pearl said angrily.

“I’m sorry alright!! I got lost!” I said, matching his anger. I did get lost but it was in my own thoughts instead of geographically but I wasn’t going to tell him that. He looked surprised as I was at my outburst. I didn’t usually get angry. 

The door banged open and B and a pale Adore came through into the living room.

“Fame can we talk to you for a minute?” B said, looping his arm around Adore’s and leading me into his room. Adore sank onto the bed, she was mute, just staring at me with her giant brown puppy dog eyes. B said beside Adore and put a hand on her back.

“How’s Violet?” Adore said in a quiet voice, she looked like she was about to be lead to the gallows. 

“They said they know they hurt you and they are sorry. They also said they will see you in the morning.” I said with a smile “Oh and to give you this.” I bent over and gave him a big hug.

Adore let out a big burst of air and smiled weakly.

“How did they seem to you? Like are they going to be ok by themselves tonight?” Adore said, looking worried.

“They told me to go and they were sleeping soundly when I left. They were fighting sleep for quite a bit.”

“Yeah, they do that.” Danny said with a little lopsided grin. “I usually sing to them or read out loud. They usually fight it because they think they are being bad company, well…and because they are stubborn as you must know from being friends with them.”

I laughed. “Yep. I KNOW!”

Adore looked so relieved and that is when I realized that he REALLY loved Jason. It was making me tear up.

“Y’ok Fame?” Adore said.

“You know Fame, she’d cry over a split nail.” B said.

“I’m just really glad you guys are together finally!”

“WAIT!” Adore said, putting up one finger. “How long have you KNOWN Vi liked me?”

I smiled, “for a long, LOOONG time to be honest.”

“WHAT THE HECK? WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME?” Adore said, standing up and whacking my shoulder.

“Well, it wasn’t my secret to tell!" 

"Speaking of secrets, you know the gays out there are chomping at the bit for the T.” B said.

Adore got a mischievous glint in her eye, “let’s go fuck with some queens…for Violet. Bitch can pull a prank.”

“I dunno Danny.” B said, looking doubtful.

“C'mon B, I need a good laugh. I NEEEEEED it bad B.” Adore pleaded.

“Alright. As long as you think Vi won’t mind.”

“Nope they won’t. Do you remember their epic prank when they duct taped a harmonica to the grill of the bus?” Adore said grinning

“Or when they used my email address to sign me up as a Mormon!” I said with a chuckle.

“ Ok but they almost got duct taped to the roof of the bus when they made me orange juice out of a kraft dinner cheese packet.” B said, making a disgusted face.

"Ok let’s go!” Adore said bouncing up and down and genuinely smiling, relief evident in her eyes as we filed out of the room.

Let the mischief ensue.


	116. Not a real chapter but some info

Hi ladies and gentlemen and everyone in between, I'm sorry that I haven't been able to update more of the story today but it has been a rough day health-wise so I hope to go to sleep early now and then have a good day tomorrow and the add more chapters tomorrow.

I also wanted to ask if anyone would be interested in me doing a Q&A on periscope or reading some chapters on periscope. Let me know! 

Love y'all.

Rem


	117. Helpless

Katya's POV

Benny was once again trying to ruin me as we waited for Fame, Adore and B to come out. 

The only thing that was keeping me grounded was Alaska. She had put her hand down on the couch beside me and I had put my hand down so our pinkies were touching.

Occasionally we entwined them together when no one was watching. Sharon was on the other side of the room and noticed a few times. We decided privately that now wasn’t the time to say “yo we’re dating! As SURPRISE!”

“So much suspense packed in 3 days, my heart can’t TAKE it!” Jinkxy said melodramatically, pretending to faint.

“Adore’s not gonna leave even if Violet won’t speak to her right now. She’ll just stay in Azusa and wait until Vi stops being stubborn.” I said, “I hope they are going to be ok, on both counts.”

“I’m sure they’ll be ok!” Alaska reassured, putting her arm around me as I leaned into the familiar comforting touch.

We heard the door click open and Sharon pressed play on the movie so it didn’t look like we were all trying to listen for what was going on. Although I’m sure they could figure it out.

Bianca and Fame were leading out an ashen faced Adore, who sunk down on the couch. We all waited patiently while Adore cleared her throat. She opened and shut her mouth a few times before speaking in a gravely voice.

“Um well, at least there is a free spot on the bus?” She finally said, putting her head down.

All of our faces fell. I felt like I couldn’t get enough air. Vi all alone. Fighting all alone. Possibly dying all alone.

“I can’t do it B.” Adore mumbled, she lifted her head and she was grinning from ear to ear. “Gotcha!”

“Holy shit!” I said, taking several deep breaths.

Alaska threw the first pillow, pretty soon we were all throwing pillows and laughing. It felt like a celebration. A triumph. A relief! Sharon, B and Pearl picked Adore up at one point.

“Open the door! Open the door!” Pearl squealed excitedly, laughing like mad. Pearl’s face completely changed when he smiled genuinely.  
I ran to open it.

“You got a cellphone in your pocket?” Sharon said. 

“Yes!” Adore said, thinking it might spare her. She struggled in her captive's arms but they had too good of a hold on her. I searched her pockets, removing her wallet and phone and then we threw her in the pool. Adore screamed on her way down and when she resurfaced she said, “You bitches!!” and then let out a loud peel of laughter as she hooked B’s ankle and knocked him in.

Never one to miss a party, I threw my phone and wallet on a chair and grabbed Fame in a bear hug, trapping her arms at her sides. 

“Lasky come help me!!” I yelled, she grabbed Fame’s phone and threw it on the chair with hers and then picked up Fame’s legs. 

“No! No! you guys don’t have to do this!!” Fame said laughing while she struggled futilely.

“1! 2! 3!” We yelled, swinging her back and forth.

“Nooo!” she yelled as we let her go. High fiving each other.

“Good work guys!” Pearl said with her hands on our shoulders and then she shoved us in. I managed to grab her arm on the way down and she ended up in the pool with us.

Sharon grabbed Jinkxy around the waist and Phi Phi cleared their pockets. Then Sharon jumped in the pool with Jinkxy.

Phi Phi and Willam were the only ones dry at this point so they tried to stay as far away from the edge of the pool, throwing their wallets and phones on a chair, waiting for the inevitable.

Alaska, Sharon, Jinkx and I all crept out of the pool like creatures from the blue lagoon. Phi Phi was trying to hide in the bushes but giggling madly. We cornered her and we each grabbed a limb and jumped into the pool with her.

Willam jumped in before we could get to him unfortunately.

What a sight we must have been, 10 fully clothed, bald drag queens laughing and screaming and whooping at the sky.

When we were done being idiots, I ran into the house and grabbed a giant mound of towels and ran back out, trying to go as fast as possible so I didn’t get too much water on the floor. We were all shivering in the cool California night air. Everybody trickled inside once they got as dry as possible. Some queens going to shower and some just changing into dry clothes or pyjamas. Alaska was shivering violently because she was so thin. She was trying to just put on clothes.

“Gurl you are shaking like a leaf. Go shower!" 

"But other people need to.”

“Yeah so? You’re the first up here so go get in!”

“Ok!” She said, running towards the bathroom.

I grabbed my PJ pants and dried off before putting on my Alaska T-shirt I stole from her merch at one of the BOTS stops after someone had spilled a drink on me. It was huge on me but it was comfortable and I knew it would make her smile. 

“Ha! Nice shirt thief!” She squeaked from the doorway, her face turning red since she was only wearing a towel that covered little of her tall body and left very little to the imagination. I went to ‘Lasky’s suitcase and grabbed a T-shirt, plunking it down over her head and giving her a kiss on the cheek.

"See you downstairs 'Lasky!” I said as I slipped out of the room.

I bumped into Sharon on the way to the stairs. Shit!

“Sorry!” we both said at the same time. I went to let her go ahead and she spun around to face me.

“Katya?”

“Yeah.” I said, already imagining the confrontation about to happen.

“You be good to Justin, you got that?” Sharon looked me dead in the eye and I swallowed painfully.

“I won’t..I mean I will be good to Justin. I promise.” I stammered.

“That’s all I can ask.”

“So um…we’re good?” I said nervously, Sharon was so intense and it felt like her dark blue eyes were piercing my very soul. 

The she smiled, “of course, just make him happy. We all deserve to be happy.” She cleared her throat, gave me a small knowing smile and continued down the stairs.

The rich smell of chocolate smacked me in the face when I got to the bottom of the stairs and I stopped to inhale deeply.

Alaska must not have seen me at the bottom of the stairs as she rushed down. She careened into me and we both fell on our faces. 

“Oh God! I’m so sorry Brian!”

I got the wind knocked out of me. I rolled over and took a deep breath in and coughed a few times. Justin braced his arms so his face was over mine. “Are you ok? I’m such a klutz!”

I grabbed his face and pulled him down for a long kiss. The smell of his shampoo mixed with the taste of his cinnamon toothpaste.

Fame almost stepped on us as she yelled up the stairs. “Hey guys, I made hot chocolate!!” then her eyes fell upon us and she jumped back.

“Oops sorry!” she squealed and retreated back into the living room, looking mortified. 

Justin and I looked at each other and burst out laughing. It felt so good to laugh. 'Lasky stood up and offered his hand, still giggling. I took it and we headed into the kitchen, hand in hand.

Jinkx took one look at our linked hands and foolish grins and jumped up and down and then in typical Jinkxy fashion they started singing, from Hamilton, of course, since they and Michelle knew it off by heart.

“Helpless! Look into your eyes, and the sky’s the limit I’m helpless! Down for the count, and I’m drownin’ in ‘em”

Adore, Sharon and Fame joined in on the next line, positively beaming. 

“I have never been the type to try and grab the spotlight  
We were at a revel with some rebels on a hot night  
Laughin’ at my sister as she’s dazzling the room  
Then you walked in and my heart went “Boom!”  
Tryin’ to catch your eye from the side of the ballroom  
Everybody’s dancin’ and the band’s top volume!”

“WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE!?” B boomed, then caught sight of Alaska and I holding hands and he grinned so hard his dimples had dimples. “Well it’s about FUCKING time!” He exclaimed. 

And then we all started dancing. 

Now everything was quiet. I was pulling down my sheets. Alaska came over and tucked me in, giving me a quick smack on the lips. I heard the sheets rustling on the other side of the room.

“Good night Brian."

"Good night Justin.” I whispered back and smiled as I shut my eyes and tripped into sleep.


	118. Love Actually

Violet’s point of view

I stretched out in the cool sheets, keeping my eyes closed against the bright light of the sun. Curling away from it onto my side. Why the hell were there no blinds on the big ass window? I wondered and then I was smacked in the face with what happened yesterday. 

What I did to Danny? I put my hand up to my eyes and let the sobs slip through my lips. “Danny, oh my God what did I do?”

“Shhh! It’s ok Jason! It’s ok!” I heard someone whisper. I jumped as someone put a gentle hand on my shoulder. “Jason open your eyes.”

I cracked my eyes open to see Danny’s smiling face inches from mine. I sat up and grabbed him in a death grip hug. 

“I’m so sorry Danny, I’m so sorry!” I blubbered into his shoulder. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’ll never do it ever again. I was just so mad but that isn’t your fault. Please don’t leave me here all by myself. I need you. I want you. I love you and not because I’m glad you are here although I am, I really actually love you and have for a while!” I blurted between sobs.

Danny pulled away, which was the last thing I wanted in the whole world. He cupped my face in his hands. His brown eyes made me weak and his little grin was tearing my heart into pieces. He wiped the tears off my face with his thumbs. He was so beautiful. 

“I really actually love you too.” He said pulling me once more into a gentle hug while I started crying over again. “Stop Jason, it’s ok. Stop this. It’s ok. YOU are ok. WE are ok!” He said running a hand down back. “You made a mistake, it is ok!! Everyone makes mistakes. Please stop crying!” He pleaded.

“I can’t help it!” I said and a little bubble of laughter came out. I grabbed his face and kissed every inch of his face. Between kisses, I whispered “I love you!” “I actually love you” and “I really love you.”

“I hate to break up this little lovefest.” Lucy said sarcastically from the doorway. She was wearing a comfy pair of PJ pants and red TShirt that said ‘More issues than Vogue!’ and a black and white beanie that said Vanguard that Bonnie had brought her last week.

I missed Bonnie, she had gone on a mini vacation with Danny’s Aunt Ruth to celebrate her not having cancer. I wistfully hoped that Danny and I would be able to take one of those trips. 

I shook myself out of my daydream. Lucy was sitting in her wheelchair. She wasn’t even wearing her leg,“Uh oh.” I thought as she wheeled into the room.

Danny sat on the side of my bed, his face already looking concerned. Danny had such a big heart and truly cared about people, I think that is one of the reasons I loved him. It made my head spin how much I loved him.

“Come on back Jason!” Lucy joked, grabbing my hand and pulling me out of my thoughts.

I shook my head like a dog, “Sorry!” I said sheepishly. “Are you ok Lucy?”

“Yeah well kinda,” She said, fidgeting with her oxygen tubing and shifting as if to find a comfortable position and failing. "Just got back from having tests. Well that and I kinda fell last night at the airport. I was trying to get to my brother and pretty much forgot I couldn’t run.“ She laughed sardonically and shrugged her shoulders, "OOPS!”

“Oh sweetie, are you ok?” Danny said, leaning over to hold her hand while holding mine with his casted other one. I still coudn’t believe I broke his fucking hand.

Lucy started giggling madly.

“What? What’s so funny?” Danny said with a little grin.

“Well we are sitting here with our hands joined like idiots. Reminds me of home.” She joked but I thought I saw a brief shadow of sadness flash in her eyes. “Are you in pain because you are squeezing the shit outta my hand?” She said but I didn’t know which one of us she was speaking to.

Danny and I looked at each other and said “Are you ok?” at the exact same time. 

Lucy let out a huge belly laugh and clapped her hands together. “You two are too fucking much!” She said as she turned blue from laughing so hard. She reached back and twisted her oxygen knob so we didn’t have a repeat performance of the last time she turned blue. “I’m talking about both of you!”

Damn how does she know? I thought my ability to mask the pain I was in was growing but for some reason Lucy could ALWAYS tell.

“How do you always know that?” I said, pressing the call button. “It’s really annoying!”

“I know!!” She said and smiled before putting her hand on her hip and staring at Danny pointedly.

“I know! I know! I’m gonna take something a little less powerful, I’d like to be awake today!” He said, pulling a bottle of tylenol out of his pocket. “Be right back” He said and kissed my cheek and left the room.

“I’m glad things are ok with you two again! They are right?" 

"Yep we’re good!” I said, smiling so hard it hurt my face.

“Ok bitch, spill!” She said, “I know there is something you aren’t telling me.”

“God why are you so fucking intuitive? I maybe, might have, potentially told Danny I loved him. Like REALLY loved him not I lesser than 3 you.” I said feeling like my body could float away with happiness..

“See I told you that everything would work out!!" 

"You are right! Once again.”

She nodded proudly and gave Danny a little grin as he came back in. “I gotta go but you kids have fun!” She said and spun around, almost running over Matt in the process. He jumped back just in time to manage not to become Lucy’s roadkill.

“Hey hun, I have meds for you. How ya feeling?" 

"I’m doing ok, sorry for yesterday.”  
Matt looked from Danny to me and smiled. “No worries, I’m glad you’re both ok! Are you ready for this afternoon?” He said grimely.

“Huh?” I said dumbly.

“You’re bone marrow aspiration?” He said, looking uncomfortable.

“Oh shit yeah!” I said smacking my face. I could feel all the blood draining out of my face as I thought of a big-assed needle piercing into my hip bone.

“We’re gonna put you under Vi. You won’t see or feel anything. I made sure of it ok?”

“Ok. I forgot. The girls are coming over before they leave. When do I have to go get it done?” I said. I can’t believe I forgot.

“You are scheduled for 4:30. Eat your breakfast dear bc you won’t be able to have anything past 10am today.” he said, rolling a tray close to the bed and then leaving the room.

“Shit!” I said and smacked myself in the head, “I can’t believe I forgot that was today." 

Danny pushed the tray up to me. I pulled the lid off the plate to find a muffin, a boiled egg, canned peaches. There was a thick strawberry milkshake beside the plate.

"Ice cream for breakfast? I could get used to this!” I joked and took a sip.  
Danny just stood there.

“You ok hun?” I said, putting down my shake.

“What’s a bone marrow thingy and why can’t you eat? I thought they WANTED you to eat?”

“I’m sorry hun, I forget that you don’t know all this cancer lingo.” I said, putting my hand out to him. He came over, pulled up a chair and held onto my hand for dear life. “So a bone marrow aspiration is when they stick a giant-assed needle through your hip bone and take some of the marrow out to test it. They are going to check my blast count.”

“The bad little cells who left school?” He said jokingly, remembering how I explained it to him before.

“Yep, if my blast level is lowered it means treatment is working, if not…then…” I trailed off. It’s hard to face your own mortality and it would be even harder for Danny.

He gave my hand a squeeze and nodded seriously, “I understand. It’s gonna be ok! We’re gonna be ok. You’ll get those bad-ass cells! And the food thing?”

“Well since teeny needles freak me the fuck out, being en brochette would make me freak the fuck out extra hard. You know how it is?!”

“En bro…what?”

“Skewered!” I said with a giggle. “So they are gonna put me to sleep and if I eat, the meds they give me might make me sick while I’m asleep and I could choke.”

“Oh ok! Drink your breakfast!

Starbucks?”

“Yes please. I don’t know why they don’t serve caffeine in the children’s hospital!”

“It’s a mystery!” He said, kissing the top of my head. “I’ll call the gang and tell them to visit before 4:30!”

“K!” I took another sip of my milkshake but it was now sullied by my anxiety.

There were no grey areas in my brain right now, just black and white so by the end of the day, I would know if I was getting better, or if I was dying.


	119. The Zoo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN this is one of my favourite chapters I have written so far. Put your dentist on speed dial because it’s so sweet, you are gonna get cavities

Katya's POV

“Wake up Brian!” I heard from far away, I squirmed down in my bed. There was a weight on my chest, like someone was sitting on me.

“BRIAN McCOOK! Get up Brian! It’s Christmas morning!!!" 

What? 

I cracked open my eyes to find Justin sitting on me. "Did you just say it was Christmas?” I laughed.

“Well it got your attention, you didn’t even move when I sat on you! Russian hookers sleep soundly apparently!”

“Yeah I was tired. Wait why did you wake me up? What time is it?”

“It’s 7:43.”

“Why, pray tell, doth a beautiful Glamtron monarch awaken me from my slumber at such an early hour?” I queried and yawned.

“Well,” ‘Lasky said, straddling my hips, “I thought we could go out for breakfast but first, I thought we could pick up where we left off before we were so rudely interrupted by Fame.” 

He had a devilish grin as he grabbed my shirt and pulled me into the kiss, I wrapped my arms around his neck so he couldn’t get away. I inhaled deeply. 

Cinnamon,   
fleecy,   
forest.

Time stopped as I gazed into his dilated blue eyes, the warmth of his mouth sent an electric current through me. I loved how his little ears stuck out a bit. 

We broke apart, breathing heavy, I pulled his ear towards me and whispered “How is it that I know one hundred little things about you, but when you kiss me, I can’t even remember my own name? You give me butterflies.”

He pulled away giggled, “Forget butterflies, you give me the whole fucking zoo!”

I laughed and kissed his nose. “Let’s feed the zoo!” And then it was my turn to grab a handful of shirt and pull him down on me. Back to time stopping as I ran my hands down Justin’s back as I pressed him close to me, holding onto him like he was the only solid thing in an uncertain often dizzying world. 

We were kissing as if the world would cease to exist if we stopped. Soft lips parting, the feeling of his weight on me making all my nerve endings tingle.

My phone dinged under my pillow, I chose to ignore it deciding that peppering Justin’s thin collarbone with kisses was a better use of my time. It dinged again and Justin pulled away and I groaned. “Why?”

“You better see if it’s important. To be continued!” He kissed my forehead and I squirmed at the gruffness of his chin on my nose.

He hopped off and went to get dressed while I pulled my still ringing phone out.

“Hello?”

“Hi Katya! It’s Adore!”

“Hi Adore, it’s Katya!”

“Very funny, so I need you to tell the gang that you guys have to visit before 2 today because Violet has a test. Smaller groups would be better.”

“How do you know this? Where are you?" 

"Oh I’ve been at the hospital since around 4:30, I couldn’t sleep.” Adore said sheepishly.

“Awww,” I squealed “so you guys are ok?”

“Better than ok, the best!” You could hear the relief and happiness in his voice. “I gotta go get my queen and I some coffee, will you tell everyone when they wake up?”

“Yup, I’ll write a note before I head out for breakfast with my queen.”  
He squealed and we said bye. I quickly threw on my jeans and a tshirt and grabbed 'Lasky’s hand.

His stomach growled. “C'Mon let’s go feed that stomach of yours.”

“Da!” He said and wrinkled his face with a smile.

“Alaska we don’t speak Russian, oh wait I do! Davay zhe!” I said, pulling her with me while she giggled as quietly as possible so as not to wake the house of dozing queens.

I quickly left a note:  
Hey Gang,  
Adore is already at the hospital, she sneaked out in the night.   
They are both great…well minus the cancer of course!  
She said we had to go to say our goodbye’s before 2 PM because Violet has a test.   
We should break into smaller groups. 'Lasky and I will be back soon.  
Proshchay!  
Katya

I stuck the note onto the coffee maker where it will definitely be seen and grabbed Justin’s outstretched hand and we were off.

We found the cutest little bistro with red and white plaid tablecloths.

When we sat down, Justin sniggered, “This makes me think of Lady and the Tramp.”

“I’m the tramp.” I said, laughing.

“I heard that about you!” He joked, narrowing his eyes.

We each stood up and reached over the table and Eskimo kissed, rubbing noses together but staring into each other’s eyes. I could tell he was smiling because Justin’s sky blue eyes were crinkling in the corners.

“Well aren’t you two the most precious thing ever!” We broke apart to see a older woman smiling.

“Welcome to Mama Geena’s!” She said, passing us small laminated one paged menu. 

“Can I get you something to drink?”

“Um I’ll have a espresso and large orange juice." 

"Yeah let’s give caffeine to this hyper lil nugget!” Justin joked. “I’ll have a dark roast coffee and some grapefruit juice.”

I made a face that made Justin stifle a giggle.

“I’ll bring that out and take your order.” She bustled away and I thought she said “ahhh young love!” but couldn’t be sure.

“Grapefruit juice? Really?” I squidged up my face in disgust. 

“Whaaaat? I like it!” He said putting his hand palm up on the table. I tickled his palm making him squeal and then held his hand. We just stared at each other. I loved how the sides of his lips were upturned even when he wasn’t smiling. Those lovely luscious, buttery soft lips.

The woman came out twice to take our order when we hadn’t even looked at anything but each other’s faces, we were having a silent conversation. 

Then Justin’s stomach rumbled again. He smiled and whispered, “Maybe we should look at the menus now.”

Then we had a perfectly perfect breakfast with lots of talking and a shit tonne of buttered croissants.  
Then we walked merrily back to the house, swinging our joined hands all the way.


	120. 1st Round of Goodbyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am going to periscope (RemenyWrites) at 9:30pm eastern (about 1 hour and 15 minutes) so you can see my awkward ass and I can read a Cassie/Pearl chapter (hehehe) and maybe a 'Q and Slay'

Phi Phi’s POV

“Ok have a great day, I hope it goes really great today! I just know it will! I love you Mikhael!”

“I love you too Jaremi, call me tonight and I’ll tell you how it went!” he said sounding nervous but excited.

I clicked off my phone and opened the sliding door and just sat at the table for a minute. I normally wouldn’t be up at 9, especially if I was on vacation but Mikhael had a big meeting today after lunch with some big wigs at his work and I wanted to wish him luck and since it was 12 there I had to wake up early. 

B rushed in the room, ran into the living room and then backtracked to me. 

“Have you seen Adore?” He said, looking puzzled. 

“No I haven’t but I’ve been outside on the phone.” I looked around the kitchen and noticed the yellow piece of paper on the coffee pot, I pointed at the note, “Look I found a clue! Coffee pot!”

B ripped off the note and read it. “Adore’s at the hospital, I guess she left in the night. Sneaky lil shit. I didn’t even hear her.”

“Is everything ok?”

“Yeah the note says everything is good.” B looked relieved and smiled.

“Ok so who wrote the note?” I puzzled.

“The russian hooker, her and the alien princess went out for breakfast.”

“Awww that’s so cute! Aren’t they adorable together?” I gushed.

“I can’t discuss cuteness til I have a minimum 2 cups of coffee in my bloodstream. I have a policy.” He joked, clattering around in the kitchen. I jumped up and joined him, making some of my famous cinnamon french toast and sausages.

“God I’m gonna miss eating regular people food at regular mealtimes!” B grumbled as he cut up some fruit for fruit salad.

“Yeah I get that, actually not really. My inner fat kid gets excited about any food to be honest!”

“Wait til you’ve been on tour for a while!” he said, pouring himself a coffee. “You want one?”

I nodded and he poured me a cup. I read the note.

“So we’re gonna go in small groups? I don’t really know either of them very well but can I go?”

“Of course you can go silly!! If you want to.” We both sat down at the table and heaped our plates.

“Yeah, I wanna go. I mean I don’t know them well but they are still like family.” Surprisingly B nodded his head. I expected a really queen or sarcastic you're all my sisters but nothing, which was making me feel some type of way.

“Do you think Vi is gonna be ok?” I said, resting my chin on my hand.

“I hope so. I don’t wanna think of the alternative. I’m glad that they seemed to have worked things out. If something happens to Vi, I don’t know if Danny will be able to handle that. Hell I couldn’t handle seeing someone I love die and I’m a bit older than the kid.”

“A bit?” I said, arching an eyebrow.

“Shaadddup!" 

"Yes sir!” I said, saluting him and digging into my food.

Katya and Alaska strolled in, looking perfectly content holding hands. I was so happy for them. I didn’t even know they were dating! They separated and Katya brought over a paper bag and sat at the table while Alaska searched in the cupboards and hugged a tray to her bony chest and did a few little pirouettes before she got to the table. Typical ‘Lasky dorkiness but with an extra lil twinkle in her eyes. She plunked down beside Katya and they started arranging croissants and other pastries on the tray. I snagged a lemon danish and my inner fat kid did a little dance. Katya and Alaska were smiling like fools, it was contagious because B and I were also grinning like idiots.

“Sooo I didn’t know that you guys were together. How long have you been dating?" 

Katya and Alaska looked at each other and then threw their heads back and laughed until there were tears running down their faces. B even let out a low rumble.

"What?” I said dumbly.

Once Katya stopped screeching she caught her breath and said “We’ve been dating for oh about 15 hours!”

“My you guys are all chipper this morning, I like being awakened by a good Katya cackle! Good times!” Fame said smiling as she went to grab some coffee.

“I, however, am not quite as amused as Fame.” Jinkxy said grumpily, running their hand over their red peach fuzz on their head. They grabbed a coffee and plopped beside me. “Is it insensitive to say I miss my hair, I mean I’m glad I did it and I’d do it again but still!” They shrugged.

“You are allowed to feel that way love!” I said, giving their shoulder a squeeze. All the other queens nodded but didn’t really say much. That kinda disappointed me.  
“Jinkxy, I think that it is harder for you because your hair was longer where ours was already short so it’s not noticeable too much to us. You are used to having longer hair so OF COURSE you notice it more! Luckily you have some amazing wigs and I don’t think it would be insensitive to wear them especially if you are feeling particularly feminine one day.” Then I backtracked, “not that you can’t be feminine with no hair!”

Jinkx put their hand over mine, “Thanks hunny, I know what you mean. It just feels weird. I’ll get used to it.” They said, pulling the French Toast and syrup over.

We continued to joke and chat while everyone got some food. No one had seen Sharon, Willam or Pearl yet but that was not unusual since they all slept like the dead.

Everyone had read the note by now and we were just getting down to deciding who was going to the hospital and when.

Around that time, Sharon, Willam and Pearl ambled out within 15 minutes of each other and were quickly caught up.

“Why don’t Alaska, Phi Phi and myself go first.” Katya said, looking nervous, “It’ll give the late risers a chance to wake up a bit. Then the three sleeper queens, sorry I couldn’t resist! The B, Jinkxy and Fame can go last since they are closest to Vi and Adore. Is that ok? I mean I don’t want to tell anyone what to do!”

“I think you just did love!” Fame joked.

“Yeah way to channel your Bianca Del Bitcho!” Willam cracked and everyone roared.

“Good God, I’ve been replaced by a Russian hooker!” Bianca said in mock horror.

“Eto ya!” Katya said with a giant grin. (eng that’s me)

“Katya we don’t speak Russian!!” We all yelled at her.

“Znayu Ya!” She exclaimed and did jazz hands. (eng I know)

We all just shook our heads.

Since Katya and Alaska were already dressed, I went and threw on a Pokemon T-shirt and shorts and we headed out for the hospital. I think we were all a bit anxious about what to expect since Vi had been in a coma and so critically ill since we saw them last. 

Katya and Alaska walked along swinging their hands, about half way there 'Lasky must have noticed my worry and linked her arm with mine.  
When we got to around the corner from the hospital grounds, Katya paused. “I need a cigarette first,” she said, a sheer look of panic on her face. We sat down on the grass while Katya lit a cigarette with shaking hands.

“What’s Benny up to Brian?” Alaska said. Who the fuck is Benny?

“He’s going real fast Justin.” Katya said shakily, trying to regain her composure.

“What’s Benny yelling at you?” Alaska asked patiently.

“That this might be the last time I see Vi or one of the last times I see them.” She barely choked out.

“It’s ok to be scared hunny but Benny doesn’t know everything.”

“I know.” Katya leaned over and put her head on Alaska’s shoulder and broke down. Alaska sat there with tears in her eyes and her hand on Katya’s back murmuring reassurances and “just breathe hun.”

During this conversation, I must have looked like a person watching a tennis match and I probably looked as confused as I felt. Alaska noticed and smiled sadly at me. “Phi Phi you must be so confused! Katya’s got an unruly brain so we named him. Sometimes Benny runs way too fast for Brian to keep up and not get overwhelmed.”

I thought about it for a minute. “Actually that makes a lot of sense! I feel that way sometimes too Katya!”

I know Alaska called him his boy name but that felt to intimate for me to do. 

When Katya was much calmer, Alaska had handed her some kleenex she had stowed away before we left and she had another cigarette since the first had barely been touched. She took a deep breath and stood up. We stopped at a restroom so she could splash water on her face. She didn’t look like she had been crying anymore, it just looks like she had allergies.

I felt anxious about how Violet would look but when we entered the room, they were sitting up on the couch, positioned with a thousand pillows around them and looking like royalty.

They were wearing a pair of obviously loose jeans and a T-shirt they were swimming in. It was dumb but it just made things easier and less dismal than if they were in bed in a blue gown. I think Katya was relieved too.

Katya ran over to Violet, all sunshine and light, on the surface at least. She gave Vi a soft hug, “Hey brat! How ya feeling?” Then she gave Adore a hug too. Then she sat beside Vi on the opposite side of a smiley Danny.

Alaska greeted them and I tuned out what Alaska was saying, I was just looking at Violet. They were smiling like crazy and Danny wore a matching smile. It made me smile too.

“Hey hunny!” I said, getting down on one knee and hugging them instead of bending over them. You could feel every bone in their body. 

“Hiya Adore!” I scooched over on my knees til I was in front of her and gave her a good squeeze. She looked thinner too and tired. I pulled up a chair beside Adore.

Violet reached over and grabbed Katya’s hand and sang jokingly, “don’t cry for me Russian Hooker!”

 

Katya let out a little laugh and gave Vi’s hand a squeeze. “It’s just allergies! Everything will be fine.”

I felt like an invader, an intruder on this moment between friends. I knew Adore and Vi but I never really got to go on tour with them since I jumped on when they had to go off, I hadn’t really spent much time hanging with them. I had spent a bit of time with Adore the previous year but not a close friendship. My insecurities must have been showing because Adore put a hand on my knee and said “Phi Phi, I didn’t get the chance to tell you that we both really appreciate that you could fill in at such short notice!”

“Oh of course!! I’m happy to help with whatever, I’m glad I could join the tour. I mean I wish I didn’t have to of course but I’m always glad to help!” I blurted out. Dammit, why am I so fucking awkward?

They both just smiled at me and I let out a little breath when Adore switched the focus off of me, which I was insanely grateful for.

“Soooo Alaska, Katya, do you have any news?” Adore said with a twinkle in her eye.

“You didn’t tell the!” Alaska said incredulously.

“No of course I didn’t!”

“Tell me what?” Violet said.

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell Vi!” Katya said.

“Tell me what?" 

"Geeze Adore, it’s impressive you can sit on news like that!” I joined in.

Violet reached over and grabbed Katya’s ear. “Katya Zamoblablabla YOU TELL ME WHAT’S GOING ON!!” They giggled but held on tight.

Katya got serious, “You wanna know?”

“YES!" 

"I’m pregnant with Rupaul’s baby!” She said melodramatically and rubbed her stomach while we all burst out laughing.

Violet still had a hold on Katya’s ear, “You are gonna be glad you are in the hospital if I rip your ear off! TELL ME!” Violet was laughing so hard. 

Alaska came and plopped on Katya’s knee, putting an arm around Katya and gave her a big kiss.

Violet let go of Katya’s ear and said “IT’S ABOUT FUCKING TIME!!”

“Seriously, did everyone know but me?” Katya chuckled.

“Prrreeettty much!” Vi nodded, beaming.

We talked about fluffy stuff until it was time for us to leave. 

We all stood up, Vi included with Adore’s arm around their waist. It looked like it was a Herculean effort, but Vi was a very proud person. I went first. I gulped. I grabbed them both in a hug.

“You two take care of each other. Let me know if you need anything.” I said lamely. Giving each of them a kiss on the cheek.

Alaska and Katya tag teamed. Katya grabbed Vi in a hug while Alaska grabbed Adore.

“Listen Jason, you are doing great, I’m so proud of you! You keep fighting bitch! Keep it up! You got this shit! I love you.” Katya whispered low in Vi’s ear, they nodded and whispered, “I love you too Brian. You know I don’t fold easy! I’ll do my best!” then they just stood there, hugging each other with tears trailing down their faces.

“Honneeey! You are such an amazing person and I love you,” Alaska whispered in Adore’s ear. “You are doing such an amazing job and making it easier for them to fight. I’m so proud of you." 

"I love you too 'Lasky! I will always do what I can to make it easier for them.” Adore whispered back.

They switched sides and continued the whispered words of strength, pride and courage. By the end we were all crying and I was pulled into a group hug.

After a little while Vi exclaimed “God we’re all a hot mess!” and threw their head back to laugh.

Now we were on our way back, not talking but not an awkward silence either. We were all lost in our own worries and fears. 

In other words our Bennies were misbehaving again.


	121. 2nd Wave of Goodbyes

Adore’s POV

When the gang left, Violet and I just held onto each other for a few minutes. When we sat they laid back so they were leaning against me, their head near my shoulder, staring at me with their caramel brown eyes.

“Can I do anything for you my love?” I said, knowing the answer but wanting to show them I would do anything to help that was in my power. They looked tired and I knew that sitting up and visiting with the gang today was going to take a lot out of them.

“Just hold me close. I didn’t think it would be that hard to say goodbye.” My heart was breaking for them, I gathered them in close, pulling a blanket over their shivering body and holding them tight. I didn’t say anything because I knew they needed physical contact not words. I didn’t even sing because I knew if they wanted me to, they would ask. Not even 3 minutes went by and they were fast asleep. 

I studied their face, as if to sear it into my mind. I noticed things I never really paid attention to before. The way their nose flared out when they breathed. How deep their eyes were. I always admired their naturally full lashes but now they didn’t have any. Their perfect cupid’s bow lip. The way their ears stuck out a little bit was endearing although I know that they drove them crazy.  
Their face was perfectly still. Their jaw was perfectly relaxed, without the guile of trying look like they were fine. 

About an hour later Violet had just stirred from sleep and sat up when Pearl, Willam and Sharon came.

“Is this an ok time?” Sharon said, hesitating at the door.

“Come on in darlings!” Violet said cheerfully.

Pearl had eyes like a caged animal, wide and terrified and bouncing from one thing to the next as if she didn’t REALLY see it, that it would cease to be happening. Her nostrils flared like a bull, made more prominent by her septum ring. She settled by Violet immediately, whispering something in their ear. Pearl was an incredibly private person with emotions so I thought I should keep Willam and Sharon busy.

“Come here you two!” I said, moving from Vi’s side to hug them.

Just like last time, they whispered words of encouragement to me. I knew they meant well and I knew what they meant by them but it made me angry. I wasn’t fighting! I wasn’t in pain, throwing up, losing my hair involuntarily, taking poison, having to fight with my body. Getting painful tests. I was just here doing what I can.

“Thanks babies, I love you!” I said to them and peaked to see if Pearl and Vi were done their conversation, which they were. Pearl was sitting beside Vi and they had their hand on Pearl’s knee. Pearl was doing everything possible to not cry.

Willam plunked down beside Vi and wrapped and arm around their shoulders. 

“Sorry I can’t bend over, my back is fucked up from jumping in the pool last night." 

"Danny told me about that. You’re getting old Will!” Violet said and patted him on the shoulder.

Sharon came up and hugged Vi. “Hey gurl, how ya doing?”

“I’m doing the way I’m doing.” Vi said honestly. “I’m gonna miss you gays!”

“Oh we’ll be back! You’re stuck with us! Do you promise to facetime with us?” Sharon said, making a little puppy dog face which looked absolutely ridiculous on the punk rock queen which made us all laugh.

“Bitch I will facetime with you whenever you do that face! That’s hilarious!” Vi kidded.

Then we talked about fluffy stuff. When they seemed to be getting ready to leave Sharon turned to me. “After we hug Vi, will you show us where the public washroom is?” It looked like she was trying to send me Morse code with her eyebrows. 

“Of course!”

Willam pulled Vi into a hug and told them to keep fighting and that she would bring Vi something pretty next time she saw them. AKA shoes probably.

Sharon just said a simple, “I love you. Keep doing what you are doing beautiful.”

Pearl stayed back with Violet while I walked Sharon and Willam around the corner, ahhh that was what the Morse code eyebrows was about.  
We walked a little down the hallway and Willam gave me a hug while Sharon held my hand.

“We miss you and Vi on tour and can’t wait til you can BOTH come back!” Sharon said brightly, completely uncharacteristically Sharon, “I have no one to share good music with.”

“You know that we’re here for you right Adore? I know you don’t think you are doing anything but you are and if you need help, just call any one of us and we’ll be here in a hot second!” Willam said, still hugging although now I didn’t know if he was hugging me or if I was keeping him upright. Maybe a combination of the two.

“I know guys, I miss you too. I will let you know if I need help.”

Pearl came out minutes later, tears streaming down her face. She gave me a quick hug and said “I love you Adore.” and then she briskly stalked away from us. 

Sharon held an arm out to Willam and said “Let’s go old man!”

“haha it’s all fun and games til I kick your…..butt!” Willam said, catching himself at the last minute.

“Good save!” I said before heading back into Vi’s room.

Vi was sitting on the couch, they weren’t crying or looking upset, just dazed.

“You ok?”

“Mhmm,” they smiled serenely. What the hell had they and Pearl talked about? I wasn’t gonna ask. 

“What do you feel like doing?”

“Can we read to each other? I’ll start!" 

I handed them the book and sat back on the couch. They curled up around me and started to read, we were still in the Harry Potter books but we had worked up to the 4th one. It was kinda big but we were going through it fast because we read to pass the time sometimes when their stomach couldn’t handle the movement of the television screen.  
We discovered that I had a good voice for Hagrid that never failed to crack them up.

So we sat there, taking turns, becoming mostly consumed by the story.

Except the 3rd wave of goodbyes was still in the back of our minds.

Those would be the hardest.


	122. Letters and Little Girls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My mind is a scary place. You know you love it!

Pearl’s POV

I walked quickly to the Hospital Entrance and then I just ran.

Eventually I found a park, I had no idea where I was but I didn’t care. I sat on a park bench over near the trees where a few less people could see me burst into tears again.

I’ve been through some shit but that was the fucking hardest thing I’ve had to do.

When I got there, I bent down and hugged them, I was alarmed with how tiny they were. They felt cold and they were shivering so I sat close to them.

“Hey gurl hey,” I whispered in their ear, “I could give you all the "you are doing so great” platitudes but you are a fighter and I have no doubt you can get through this or that you will do your absolute best. You know I’m here for you and the gals have planned to get Danny out of the room so we can really talk for a minute. Ok?“ They nodded as Willam sat beside them and spoke with them. 

Most of my focus was on not crying and nodding at the appropriate times in the conversation which was somewhat difficult as I wasn’t really paying much attention.

Then it was just Vi and I. I turned to them.

"Can you forgive me for…”

“Oh bitch, you know you have been forgiven for that a long time ago! You didn’t mean it sweetie, we both knew that! I need you to do something for me, something important.”

“You know I will.” I would do anything for Violet, whether they were dying or not.

“Before I tell you what, you need to know first that you HAVE to start letting people in Pearly, about your past. Believe me, it is so worth it. Promise you’ll try? Even if it’s just a therapist for now. Just try? ok?”

“I will try, I promise.” and I meant it. I keep my promises. They were right, they were the only one who knew everything about me and if something happened to them I would be alone. Again.

“If I write a letter to Danny, inc…incase I die, would you make sure to give it to him at my funeral?” Violet’s voice quivered but remained strong, their eye’s pleading.

“I will, I promise.” I was doing everything I could to not cry.

“Let it out Matt, you aren’t that 8 year old boy anymore. It takes a strong man to cry. It’s not weakness, no matter what you’ve been told. It’s ok!” Then I did break down, while Jason, who could be dying, was comforting me instead of the other way around. It was a few minutes til I calmed down.

“Vi are you dying?” I asked quietly.

“Wow Matt, thank you so much for acknowledging that might happen. I’m so tired of this fake keep fighting, stay strong bullshit. Of course they mean well and I love them for it but of course I’m gonna keep fighting, like I have a choice! D'uh!” Vi said sarcastically, then they grew somber, “I’m going to fight as hard as I can to the bitter end. I promise you that! I have a test today that will tell if treatment is working. So far only Danny and you know that. I don’t want to tell everyone unless it’s good news.” 

I nodded.

“They have been waiting for a bit so you should go, I love you! When I write the letter, I’ll ask you where to send it. I want to handwrite it. Stay with Danny for a bit if something happens to me? Ok?”

“Of course!” They looked like there was a weight that was lifted from their shoulders.

“I can’t bear to say goodbye,” I said, cursing my cracking voice, “But I love you so much. So so much” We hugged for a few moments, I was trying to imprint this memory to my brain.

“Thank you Pearly girly.” Vi said softly as I left the room. I looked back to see them staring at me with a smile on their gaunt but still beautiful face.

Now I was sitting in a park, head lowered and crying. And the weird thing is, for the first time ever, I didn’t give a fuck who saw me or what they thought of it!

A ball landed at my feet and before I could react, a little girl was there.

She had on a frilly pink checked dress like she was going to a party instead of playing in the park. She had frilly white socks that had a bit of mud on them and the cutest silver mary jane shoes. I couldn’t see any parent watching after them.

“Hi, why are you sad?” She said in a sweet high pitched voice.

"My friend is very, very sick right now.”

“Are they going to die?” She cocked her head to the side inquisitively.

What an odd question but I couldn’t get mad at this cute little girl!

“Maybe but I hope not.”

“Just keep up hope and love, that is what people need when they’re really sick.”

“Thanks kid!” I said taken away at this little girl’s maturity.

“What’s your name? You sound like you have known someone who was very sick. You are very smart.”

“Thank you,” She put her hand on my bare leg and I jumped because it was freezing.

“My name is Cassie.”

“I’m Matt, nice to meet you! I’m sure your parents are very worried about you! Do you want me to help you find them.”

“Oh no thank you! I know right where they are! Keep hoping! Can you tell your friend that Cassie hopes they feel better soon? Promise?”

“Of course kiddo! I promise.”

Bye!“ She waved merrily and walked away. I was watching her go to make sure no creeps tried anything.

Then the sun shifted so it was in my eyes and I looked down to get my sunglasses and when I looked up, she was gone. She must have ran.

I sighed, feeling better than before and pulled out my phone. I had a group text message with Sharon and Willam.

Willam: You ok Pearly?

Sharon: Where did you go? Do you need one of us to come find you or I can come walk with you?

Willam: please answer us Pearly. we are worried.

I typed in: I’m ok guys, sorry, on my way back.

Then turned on my GPS to get back to the house.

When I was crossing the middle of the park, I turned around, expecting to see Cassie with her family but the only thing I saw was her abandoned ball.


	123. Panic Attacks and Pearl's Story

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone thought that Pearl's story was actually true so:
> 
> Disclaimer: all events of the queens in past, present and future are FICTIONAL events that did not happen.

Katya’s POV 

The house was subdued today which wasn’t surprising. There was a pile of drag bags by the door and an ever growing pile of our boy suitcases in a secondary pile on the other side of the room.

Fame and Jinkx were sitting on the couch, arms around each other, trying to figure out what they should and shouldn’t say to Vi.

Occasionally one or both of them burst into tears.

B had gone “to have a bath”, which is code for give-me-some-fucking-space. Occasionally B was just as walled off about emotions as Pearl but Pearl had that extra layer of barbed wire around her heart for protection. 

Whereas, if you cracked B’s, he was all softy inside. B reminded me of a tootsie pop, hard on the outside and soft and sweet in the inside.

I was just slouched on the floor with my back leaned against the couch beside Fame. Justin was upstairs finishing his packing since, as usual, he had unpacked everything when we got here. 

I felt like a spider had come along and tangled me in a web of inertia I couldn’t or didn’t want to get out of. I tried to space out to The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt on Netflix but it wasn’t working.

I don’t know who picked the show, maybe they thought that fluffy brain-fart type show is what we needed right now. Normally I liked the show but it was just annoying me today. How dare they live such idyllic world?!

“It’s a fucking TV show Brian” I chastised myself in my head, still not getting up to change it.

It’s not like there was a Netflix original so-your-friend-could-be-dying show but that would be useful.

Actually I’d take a manual on it for 1000 Alex. A lexicon of things to say that would make Vi feel loved, supported and hopeful. 

The quote from Alexandre Dumas popped into my head, “All human wisdom is summed up in two words: wait and hope.”

“Like should I talk about that time they fell in the lake or other fun memories or should I stay serious? I DON’T KNOW!” Fame said, wringing her hands.

“Yeah, like do we say how sorry we are that they are sick? Of course we won’t mention that we know that they are pretty much planning on saying goodbye, just in case.” Jinkx said, her voice going husky.

Ok I know as their friend and as a decent fucking human being that I should comfort them and give them all the answers, but my head was swimming with worries and what ifs. I was barely keeping my face above water. I tried to take some deep breaths, tried being the operative term since it felt like there was an ever tightening band going around my chest which made it difficult to take in even small shallow breaths.

Jinkx and Fame were too deep into their conversation to notice and I couldn’t get in enough air to speak. You know how the room spins when you’ve had a few too many drinks? My head was doing that but without the alcohol.

Fame and Jinkxy were crying again, their suffering sent a pang through my heart. I tried to turn to get one of their attention that something was wrong but I was cemented to the couch. My mouth was so dry that my tongue felt like it was glued to the roof of my mouth.

“Katya…atya…atya?” An echoing voice called out and suddenly Alaska’s concerned face was swimming in front of mine. I managed to reach out my hand enough to grab a hold of their arm in a death grip. My breathing coming in ragged little breaths.

“Try to breathe…eathe…eathe with me Bri.” I could hear the voices of other queens adding to the cacophany of noise in my head.

Suddenly, as if God or someone flicked a switch, it all went black.

I came to and opened my heavy eyes blearily. I was laying on the soft couch with a bunch of pillows shoved under my legs and Justin’s relieved face above me, he was perched on the side of the couch and holding my hand in both of his.

“There he is! Welcome back! How do you feel?” He asked, pushing down on my chest when I tried to sit up.

I took stock of my body, all limbs present and accounted for. I was able to breathe again but my chest still felt a bit tight.

“I think I’m ok.” I said, trying to sit up again, which Justin remained adamant that I not do so. I rubbed my chest.

“What happened?” Pearl asked from the doorway, looking genuinely worried instead of her usual aloofness.

“Brian just tested my heart. It still works!” Justin said with twinkling eyes then looked around at the cluster of queens crowding us and frowned. “Do you think we could have a few moments alone gurls?”

They all agreed and hightailed out of the room.

“No seriously, how are you honestly? Maybe you need to go see a doctor?”

“No I’m pretty sure it was just an anxiety attack. A very bad anxiety attack.” Finally he let me sit up and sat down beside me, putting a hand on my knee.

“Take it slow hun.

“Ugh God, I’m sorry!! I’m sorry I scared you.”

He smiled, “it’s ok, I forgive you. Are you sure you are ok? You look awfully pale. Can I get you something?”

My mouth was drier than the desert, I licked my lips. 

“Can you get me something to drink? I’m parched.”

“Of course! Be right back. Should I send the gang back in or do you want to sit for a minute alone first?”

“No send them back in. I think I’m ok now!”

Pearly was the first to come back in, she shoved the blankets onto the coffee table and sat beside me. There was something different about her. I expected her to be closed off after what happened at the hospital but she was peaceful. I had just opened my mouth to ask when a bevy of queens poured into the room, plunking on sofas, chairs and perching on tables and chair arms.   
Justin handed me a glass of grape juice and sat on the opposite side of Pearl. 

I drank it in all one gulp and sighed, leaning back on the couch as Justin plucked the glass from my hand. I closed my eyes for a moment and reopened them to see everyone still staring at me like I had grown an extra head.

“Guys I’m fine, I promise!” I said tiredly. I turned to Pearl, who was still smiling faintly. “What is up with you Miss Smiley?” I said, poking her in the arm.

“OW! Well the weirdest thing happened, so I was just running blindly away from the hospital like a crazy person. I just needed to get away. When I ran out of steam, I was at this pretty little park, it wasn’t big but I just sat on the park bench for a bit to…um…” She looked uncomfortable but took a deep breath, keeping her head upright.

“To cry, I was crying. You know I’m not good with all this,” she flailed her hands around as if to translate that she meant emotions. She paused for a few minutes as if to collect her thoughts and then continued, “So I was sitting on a bench when this girl chased her ball over. She asked me why I was crying and I told her my friend was really sick. She then told me that what my sick friend needs is hope and love. She was so cute and she looked like she was a little princess with a little pink and white dress and the most darling little silver shoes.”

“Aww that’s cute! I’m glad you are ok Pearly, we were worried!” Willam said.

“I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to worry you! I just needed some space for a minute, just for a minute.” Pearl looked like she wanted to peel her skin off and maybe she was shedding a skin of sorts because she took a deep breath in and kept sharing her truth. “Guys, I had a really hard time growing up and got beat up badly when I was around 8 because I was crying about something my father said. I was in the hospital for 4 days.”

“Oh God!” Several of us exclaimed at once.

“I’m so sorry Pearly!” Fame said, already tearing up.

“I was bullied mercilessly from that point on. I changed schools a few times but it always found me. The truth about what they did always found me and then my life would become hell again. I tried to commit suicide 4 times between age 8 and 14.”

There was a sharp intake of breath but Pearl wasn’t done.

“I mean a lot of other things contributed to me wanting to kill myself as well. My father was a horrible man who added to my burden instead of lessening it. I’m sorry, I haven’t told you guys this before. I am just afraid of showing my feelings even though I know you guys won’t beat me up for crying.”

“We definitely won’t.” Phi Phi said, crossing the room quickly to hug Pearl, she was sobbing and I remembered that Phi Phi also had had an abusive father.

I moved over closer to Alaska so Phi Phi could sit down with her arm still protectively wrapped around Pearl’s shoulders.

Pearl had tears dripping off her chin but I looked around to see that everyone was crying, including me even though I didn’t even know that I was crying.

“I’m really proud of you Pearly.” I said, emotion thick in my throat. I hugged her with Phi Phi still stuck between us, then Alaska squished in. Then there was a stampede of queens rushing forward and embracing Pearl.

A few minutes of hugging and we all broke apart.

“Pearl, I’m proud of you! Katya, no more faceplanting!” B said, checking his watch. “We should go guys. We don’t want to miss our chance to say goodbye to Adore and Vi.” He looked like he would rather do anything else but we all felt like that.  
Fame and Jinkxy stood up, looking like they were going to gallows and holding hands like they were preschool students using the buddy system.

“Oh guys, I promised the little girl at the park that I would tell Violet that Cassie said she hopes they feel better soon and please tell Vi that I kept my promise from today too please.” Pearl said with a gentle smile on her face.

“I will.” Fame said, letting her hand linger for a moment on Pearl’s shoulder.

They headed out, the remaining queens all scattered like billiard balls and I went to get up.

“Where do you think you are going Mr?” Justin said with one hand on his hip.

“Cigarette?”

“I’m coming with you! I wanna make sure you’re ok!”

“Sure! You wanna smoke it for me too?” I joked, jabbing him lightly with my elbow.

“No it’s bad enough I have to taste it when I kiss you!” He made a ew face, “maybe I’ll just have to go on strike.” He turned to lead me out of the room towards the back patio.

“But honey, we haven’t even had our 24 hour aniversary yet!” I whined and pouted and gladly followed wherever he would lead me.


	124. 3rd Wave

Violet’s POV

There was a soft knock on the bathroom door, “B, Fame and Jinkxy are on their way love. Are you doing ok in there?”

“Thank you darling! I’m fine!” I said, leaning against the counter in the bathroom.

“You know how I feel about that four letter F word!!” Danny said, he spent too much time at group.

“You’re an asshat! I’ll be right out!” I rubbed the palms of my hands into my eyes. I readjusted my belt so my jeans wouldn’t fall around my ankles and played with my hospital bracelet.

It seemed like an extension of me, if there were new doctors or nurses they always checked it. It had a barcode and Danny and I joked that I was product now. A doll? A broken doll Maybe.

I shivered and pushed myself away from the mirror then took a deep breath before I went back out into the room. I felt like I was wading through mud but I made it back to the sofa. I grabbed my hoodie and hat on the way over since I was freezing. Danny sat beside me and rubbed my arms and pulled me close so I could lean my head on his shoulder and absorb some of his body heat.

“You ready?”

“Nope, ” I said, shaking my head. “You?”

“Not even a little bit.” I opened my mouth to apologize once again for turning his life on it’s head. He put one hand on my chin and the other on my head and closed it. “I don’t want to hear one more sorry from your beautiful lips. I would rather be here WITH you than be WITHOUT you. Got it?” I nodded my head solemnly and he let it go and grabbed my hand. “Do you need anything my love?”

“A new body?” I said sarcastically.

“I seem to left that in my other pants pocket.” He smiled which made his face light up. 

“Oh darn. How about a kiss?” I craned my neck and gave him a peck on the cheek. He leaned in and I thought he was gonna kiss me but he put his mouth on the crook of my neck and blew a big, wet raspberry. I squealed and squirmed and almost fell on the floor in the process. Danny and I were both laughing when B, Fame and Jinkxy’s heads popped around the corner.

I still couldn’t get over that Jinkx had cut off their long glorious red locks for me. It kind of made me sad but also happy. My brain was a dense fog of emotions.

B was the first to come in, the other two looked like they were going down into their nan’s basement where they were told the boogey man lived. I stood up, Danny had a hold of my elbow just incase I lost my balance. I put my arms around B and he put his arms around me but barely touched me, his hands on my back felt butterfly light as if I were breakable. 

I heard his rough rumble in my ear. “How ya doing bitch?" 

"I’ve been better B.” I whispered back. 

Then he did give me a soft squeeze. “I know babe, I’m sorry. We got you Vee."   
He let me go and moved on to Danny who had tears in his big brown eyes.

Jinkxy was next. They gathered me into their arms like I was insubstantial, like I might float away. "Hey sweetie. I’m so sorry you are sick. What can I do? I went and got tested for your lil friend Shay since I’m jewish and told my grandma so she could tell her synagogue too! How else can I help?” They said eagerly. Jinkxy was a fucking ray of sunshine most of the time and I loved them for it.

“That is amazing! Thank you Jinkxy!”

They reluctantly let me go to go hug Adore and Fame slipped into my arms, giving me a gentle but firm hug. 

“Hey wifey,” she whispered, face already twisting with oncoming tears, “I’m sorry!” She choked back a sob as I patted her back. 

I could feel hot traitorous tears cascading down my own cheeks. They would think I was crying for myself but I wasn’t. I know far too well what it feels like to be them, to be helpless while you watch someone you love suffer. I can now say with certainty that it is much better to be the person WITH cancer than the person watching. She grabbed my face in her hand and pulled out a tissue and dabbed at my face and I let her. Her blue eyes were still glistening and she was sniffling uncontrollably.

I grabbed a tissue from my hoodie pocket stash and mopped up her tears. 

“I’m sorry for making you cry!” Fame looked like a tortured soul, she threw her arms around me again. “I’m sorry for crying too, I can’t stop!” Her voice had taken on a high pitched almost hysterical tone.

“How is that different from any other time?” I said dryly as we sat down. 

She turned red and a corner of her mouth turned up. “True! I do do that, don’t I?”

“Yes!” we pretty much all said at once and then we burst out laughing. It felt good to laugh, it broke the ice. 

“Where are you guys off to next?” I said when the laughter died down, knowing they might take a cue how to act from me. If I talked about positive, light hearted shit, they would too.

“Vegas baby!” Jinkxy said, Vegas was one of Jinkxy’s favourite spots. When Jinkx was happy, their whole face lit up from the inside out. 

“Oh yeah? Are you gays doing 2 nights?” Jinkxy nodded, “So you are going to see Cirque du Soleil?”

“Of course!” Jinkxy loved Cirque and when Ivy was on the tour then Ivy, Jinkxy and I would all go to see one of the shows. Sometimes other queens joined us. I loved to watch the aerial performers, I’ve been obsessed with aerial since I was a kid, that was the reason I started learning.

Their face fell “Aw I’m sorry, I wish you could come! I wish this wasn’t happening to you Vi!” They were trying hard not to cry but their chin was quivering, they looked into their lap. “Sorry love!" 

I pulled them into me and rubbed their stubble of hair, "Shhh Jinkxy, it’s ok! Let it out!! You’re gonna get wrinkles if you try to hold back! It’s ok baby. Shhhh!”

Tears were welling up in Danny’s eyes and was hugged by a very quiet and very serious B. 

There was a knock on the door and Matt’s doleful face peeked in. My first thought was that I was fearful that something happened to Lucy or Shay.

“Come in hun!” I said, waving him in, “What happened?” I could see an empty gurney in the hallway behind him as he came in.

“Jason, I’m so sorry, they had to move up your procedure.”

“To when?” my throat was suddenly dry and I tried to swallow around a golf ball sized lump.

“Now hun, I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok, it’s not your fault! Can we have a few minutes?”

He held up a syringe for my line and a bag of saline. “Yes you can, I have Valium here for you, your Dr thought it might be a good idea since you won’t be able to be put out until you are in the Operating Room. We want to keep your blood pressure from getting too high.” Reading between the lines it translated to “hey Jason you might see some big assed needles in the OR and we don’t want you to freak the fuck out with your pansy needle phobia.”

“Now you are speaking my language!” I joked as he pulled over an IV pole and started hooking me up to the saline drip.

“You’re a little dehydrated so we are gonna top you up. I’m gonna bring the gurney in now before I give you the valium because it will probably make you sleepy.” He pulled in the bed and I held my line out for him to give me the valium. Then, he turned around and headed out of the room, clearly giving us a moment to say our goodbyes.

I started to stand up and lost my balance but Fame took me into her arms. “Up ya get wifey,” she joked with a shaking voice, she whispered into my ear, “keep fighting beautiful. You got this Jason! You are so strong. I love you!" 

"I love you too Kurtis. We’ll chat again soon, I promise." 

Fame reluctantly let me go and passed me to Jinkxy who grabbed my face and looked straight into my eyes, "I love you to the moon and back Jason!” They kissed me on each cheek and pulled me into a hug. 

B was next, his face was crumpled in tears, “Jason, please take care of yourself! I love you kiddo!”

“I love you too B.” He let me go and I hopped up onto the gurney and he covered me up. “B, will you stay with Danny for a bit when I go?” I gave him a pleading look, let Danny think I mean for today, right now but we both know I meant for possibly longer than today. I felt like I needed to arrange a soft place for Danny to land should something happen to me. When Cassie died, I free fell for weeks without support as my parents were also falling but back then I thought it was because they blamed me. If I was truthful, a small part of me still lived in that shadowy corner of my world.

“Of course!” He nodded somberly and hugged me again.

“We’ll stay for a bit with Adore when you go.” Fame said, the glint of understanding in her eyes, Jinkx cottoned on quickly and nodded. Their chin quivering again.

Matt peeked back in and he looked so apologetic. “Matt it’s ok! Stop looking so contrite! It’s not your fault it got moved!” My eyes were getting heavy, I wanted to see Danny’s face before I fell asleep. “Danny?” I battled to keep my eyes open.

“I’m here, I’ll be here when you wake up!” A ghost of a smile crossed his face, “I really, actually love you Jason.”

“I really, actually love you too!" 

"Ready?” Matt said and I took a deep breath. 

“As I’ll ever be!”

We were about halfway to the door when Fame called “WAIT!”

I opened one eye, I was on the precipice of sleep but I fought it with the shear stubborn nature I was infamous for but I didn’t know how much longer I could wait. 

“I promised Pearl I would tell you that she kept her first promise today and that she met a cute little girl in a pink princess dress in the park when Pearl was crying who said that she hopes you feel better! What was her name again Jinkxy?”

“Cassandra? Cassie? I think.”

This had to be a coincidence, I was now filled with panic, trying to not fall asleep. “Silver shoes?” I squeaked out.

“Yeah how did you know?” Fame said, looking surprised and confused.

“Because I know her."   
Then the world went black.


	125. Supernatural and Feeling Super Scared

Adore’s POV

“Are they ok?” Fame said, immediately panicking.

“Yeah they are fine love,” Matt said and smiled at her reassuringly. “They just fell asleep, which is fine because we are going to put them out for their procedure anyway. Danny?”

I could feel Matt’s eyes on me but I could also feel all the blood draining out of my face. I just clued in to what Fame and Jason had said. 

“Cassie?” I said quieter than a whisper. I shivered.

“Danny you alright?” B said in my ear. Matt was still staring at me. I nodded and mutely went over to Vi and whispered in their ear, “Be safe my love” and kissed their forehead. 

I nodded at Matt who said “I’ll let you know as soon as it’s over, they won’t be back for probably 2 hours with the anesthesia recovery. Are you sure you are ok Danny?”

I nodded, what the fuck was I supposed to say? No I’m not ok! A ghost who likes to torture my boyfriend has physically fucking manifested to fuck with their head? Um if I say that to Matt, he’s gonna send me to psych.

“Ok we are heading out. I’ll see you in a bit. I’ll call the room phone with updates.” Then he pushed Vi away.

“Danny come sit.” B dragged me over to the couch and sat me down. “You look terrified! Don’t worry, Vi will be ok." 

How could I tell them I wasn’t scared about the procedure Vi was going to be going through but the fact that they would be ASLEEP when it happened? If Cassie could make them have a seizure, if Cassie could be seen, it meant she was getting stronger and I WAS terrified. 

Why would Cassie do this to begin with? Did she truly blame Jason for her death and was she hell bent on revenge. Was her blood-lust for revenge no longer sated by torturing Jason in sleep? 

At least if she could be a physical form, maybe I could meet her and tell her off. But, how do you intimidate a ghost not to fuck with the person you love? The person they should love too? Especially an evil baby satan ghost!

"Danny? DANNY!” B shook my shoulders and I realised I’ve probably been sitting here dumbly staring into space for who knows how long.

I lifted my head, surprised that it was just B and I.

“Fame and Jinkxy went to get us coffee. I told them to take their time. Where did you go?”

“What do you mean?” I was so confused.

“Danny, you’ve been sitting here for 15 minutes! You didn’t hear us?” I shook my head, “Yeah Jinkxy even asked a nurse to come in, she checked your blood pressure and pulse and you didn’t move. You didn’t feel the thing squeezing your arm?” I shook my head again, “The nurse said if you didn’t come out of it in 15 minutes that we’d have to take you to the hospital. What the fuck is going on?”

“It’s too weird B, you’ll just laugh at me.”

Instead of cracking a joke, B’s eyes reflected the hurt he was feeling that I didn’t trust him with something, “try me Danny.”

“This goes nowhere,” he nodded and mimed zipping his lips, locking them and throwing away the key. “You’re a goof. Ok when Vi was younger, their sister had ALL and she died and they were the only one in the room. They feel like they could have done something and she must too because they have been plagued with nightmares ever since. I guess she went away for a bit but she came back.”

“That’s easy, Vi’s brain is the one plaguing them! It’s hard to understand how the brain does this shit to us but it’s their subconscious that is doing that to them." 

"The girl at the park that Pearl talked to, that’s her, same description of the clothes that she was buried in. That was Cassie.”

B paled and opened and closed his mouth a few times and then stammered, “I don’t even know what to say to this. I have no idea what to do. I’m so sorry Danny, as if Vi wasn’t already living through enough. Shit!”

“Yeah…and now Vi is going to be asleep.” I whispered, “B, Cassie caused the seizure that Vi had. I saw the bruises Cassie has made on them, little handprints. I already feel helpless, this just brings it to a brand new fucking level.”

“I have no words my dear. For once I have literally no advice I can give you!”

He pulled me into a hug while I cried out my frustration, fear, anger, hopelessness and loss. I cried with the violence of someone vomiting on all fours, it was loud and messy but short-lived and left me feeling completely exhausted.

What the hell are we gonna do?


	126. I DON'T CONSENT!!

Chapter 125  
Matt’s (the nurse not Pearl) POV

I watched Jason sleep after I pushed them into the elevator. I couldn’t erase the look of pure terror on their face before the valium took them over the edge and into sleep. I know this test would decide big things and I hated to see any patient feel anxious. 

It’s kind of funny, when Vi and Adore first came here, I was fangirling so much when I wasn’t in the room with them but now they were just Jason and Danny and they were friends. Not something that is encouraged in my profession but you can’t help when you connect with people.

I childishly crossed my fingers and wished that Vi’s cancer was responding to treatment until the door dinged open. I took them to where we were to wait and a nurse came around the corner. I think her name was Valerie.

“Hey Matt, I’m sorry I tried to call you but you were already on your way. It’s gonna be about half an hour before we take him in.”

“Them and ok! no problem!”

“Do you want to just park their gurney? I can keep an eye on them.”

“No it’s ok, I’ll stay.” She shrugged and turned around.

Jason was tossing around a bit, then a lot. Mumbling things I couldn’t quite make out.

“Jason?” I grabbed their shoulder, they were going to fall off the small thin bed. I tried to hold down their shoulders but they were very strong. I rubbed my knuckles on their chest and they sat bolt upright, panting with a look of utter terror on their face.

“Vi, it’s ok. It’s Matt. You’re at the hospital. You just had a nightmare from the meds I gave you. You are safe Jason.” I eased them back onto the bed and they clutched my arm. 

“Matt, you can’t put me out. You can’t please.” They pleaded.

I didn’t know what was going on, sometimes valium had the opposite affect on people than it was supposed to but I did know it would be better for their body if they were put out. “Vi, it’ll be so much easier for you if you are asleep. You just had a nightmare. You are safe.”

“I’m not safe. I'm never safe.” They said in a broken whisper, “Please don’t put me out! Please!? I don’t consent. I DON'T CONSENT!” They rolled like they were going to get off the bed.

“Jason, you are having a bad reaction to the medication. You are going to be ok.” I reassured them calmly.

They shook their head so violently that I heard their neck crack. “No I don’t consent Matt. Keep me awake.”

I thought for a minute, “I can ask the Dr about something called Twilight Sedation. It’s like being put out but you stay conscious so you won’t be asleep all the way, you’ll be kindof in hypnosis. Do you want to see if that’s an option?”

They looked relieved and nodded.

“What has you so frightened?”

They clenched and unclenched their jaw. “I just don’t feel safe to sleep. It’s a long story.”

“Ok just take a few deep breaths. We will sort this out.” I reached my hand out to pat their leg and they flinched.

“Sorry!”

Dr K strode around the corner, big smile on her face till she saw how distressed Vi was.

“Hi there, I’m Dr Kettlewell but everyone just calls me Dr K. You look like you have questions for me?" Dr K always said that when one of the patients looked completely terrified.

"I don’t consent to be put to sleep.” Vi said with giant eyes. “I would be ok with even being fully awake with local anesthetic.”

“Is twilight sedation an option Dr K?" 

She cocked her head to the side and thought while she flipped through the chart. "I think that would be fine.”

Vi let out a huge breath of air as we wheeled them into the OR. They were situated on their side on the table and hooked up to all the various different monitors and Dr K was introducing them to various staff members. 

“Ok Vi. I’ll see you when you’re done. It’s gonna be ok. It’ll be over before you know it.” I reluctantly turned to leave when Dr K called me back.

“Matt I think you should sit up by Jason’s head and talk to them. I’ll let them know you will be up when they are done. How’s that sound Jason?”

Jason smiled weakly, “Yes please.” Frustratedly wiping their eyes.

I smiled and sat in a chair right by their head. Dr K gave me a nod behind Vi’s back and I said “Ok Vi, you are gonna feel your eyes close but I’m gonna keep talking to you. You will be awake the whole time but won’t be able to talk. When you come all the way back out of the sedation, you might not remember parts of what happened.” They nodded and Dr K started the anesthetic drip. Vi’s eyes drifted closed.

“Ok Vi, I want you to think of what it felt to win drag race.” I paused for a moment and continued “I want you to think of your favourite things.” I blathered on, trying to keep their attention off what was happening. “I want you to think about Danny. I want you to think about the best memories from your childhood." 

The heart monitor went insane at that moment, first slowing down and then speeding. The whole room sprang into action.

"What the hell is going on?” Dr K said as she pushed some meds. “Come on Jason. We’re losing them.”

Then there was the steady, mocking tone of a cardiac arrest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (AN I can’t believe I just killed Violet Chachki, holy fuck!)


	127. We Don't Have Much Time Jason

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was gonna make y'all wait til tonight after I get back from sober group but I just can't be that mean to y'all!

Violet’s POV 

I tried so hard to stay awake after “Because I know her.” slipped out but it felt like there were weights on my eyelids.

Then I was sitting cross legged in the backyard of my old house. The chaotic remnants of a tea-set were flung everywhere. Cassie and I would often have tea parties, Cassie had always accepted that I loved “girl things” even though I was a boy. There were shards of porcelain everywhere and I remembered they broke because I threw them against the fence after she died. I didn’t want to see them, I thought if I got rid of all the things that reminded me of her, that I could erase some of the hurt in my heart. It didn’t work and all I had to show for it was shattered glass and a shattered heart. My head snapped up at a sound, I saw Cassie peeking around the corner of the house, her pink dress rippling in a sudden breeze. As soon as I saw her, she swung around and ran away giggling, a brush of her long pre-cancer curly deep chestnut hair swished around the corner and she let out a loud peal of laughter. Even though I knew what was going to happen, my heart was still twistedly happy to hear her laugh again. I stood up and ran after her.   
“Cassie? Where are you?” Everytime I got to a side of the house, Cassie’s hair was rippling around the next corner. I was coming around the corner back into the backyard where this memory, dream or nightmare started.

Nightmare.

Danny, Kurtis and Jinkxy were all sat around a low table resplendent with tea-party treats. They were all smiling widely, of course they didn’t know why I wasn’t.

“Jason, let’s not leave our guests waiting. You know we can’t eat until we are all sitting and I’m dying of hunger!” She grinned evilly as she paused at the word dying. 

My fear was suddenly head butted out of the way by a wave of the most intense anger I’ve ever experienced.

“NO!"

“What?!” Cas said scowling at me with the glint of a tantrum in her dark eyes, her jaw set.

“You heard me, I. Said. NO!” I stamped my foot and suddenly I was sitting bolt upright on a gurney in the hall with Matt. Confused as to where and why I was until it all came back to me. 

“Matt, you can’t put me out. You can’t please. I DON'T CONSENT!"

Now I was lying on my side and Matt was leaving. I was so happy when Dr K called him back. They got me settled and I am staring into the trusting, honest face of Matt as my eyes closed like window blinds. I could still hear the soft shushing of the blankets and beeps of the machines. I could hear Matt's voice in my ear.

“Ok Vi, I want you to think of what it felt to win drag race.” 

Amazing, like all my years of hard work was finally being validated and appreciated. The receipts to back up my confidence.

“I want you to think of your favourite things right now.” 

That one was pretty easy at the moment. Danny, getting out of here and surviving.

I felt pressure on my hip but it didn't hurt. 

“I want you to think about Danny.” 

Danny, my Danny. My chest constricted and my heart fluttered funnily. That boy was too good to me.

“I want you to think about the best memories from your childhood.” 

My brain flashed again to tea parties and playing dress up. My heart felt like I had been sprinting.

“Come on Jason.” came Dr K’s anxious voice, “We’re losing them!”

Oh shit!

 

I was suddenly sitting on a bench in a park, it wasn’t a park that I recognised, not one I had ever been to before.

I looked around at the large oaks and weeping willows, a row of swing sets. Cassie was swinging on the last one, her head thrown back and her eyes closed as her almost waist length hair streamed out behind her. 

A little boy I didn’t know had called over to Cassie and when her eyes snapped open, he pointed to me.

She let go of her swing jumped gracefully down. She looked upset as she ran towards me, tears flying off her face.

When she got to me, she cried “No no no! You can’t BE here Jason!!” She tried to hug me but I shied away from her.

“Jason, I don’t know why you are here but we don’t have much time. You HAVE to stop having nightmares about me, I know you aren’t even realizing you are doing it but I DON’T blame you. I tried to get messages to you to stop but I couldn’t make it until recently. I’m not mad at you. I’m so so proud of you JD." 

"What?” I said dumbly.

“We’re in the in between, a place near heaven where family can meet their loved ones momentarily if something happens to them. It’s me!” She said sweetly.

“But you kept killing my friends.”

“That WASN’T me!! Don’t you see? You’re punishing yourself because you thought you could have done something to save me from dying. You couldn’t! Stop torturing yourself. I waited for you to walk away before I went. I thought it would be easier but I was wrong. I’m sorry." 

When it sunk in, I grabbed her in a big hug and spun her around like I used to. Then I noticed she wasn’t in her pink dress, She was in a beautiful pristine white dress with little pink ribbon rosettes around the collar and hem, barefoot which made me smile. Cassie hated shoes. Her hair was real and her smile was melting my heart again. She wasn’t scary thin anymore. 

"Oh Cassie, I’ve missed you so much! So many things have happened!" I exclaimed, emotion stuck in my throat. I had a huge smile on my face.

“And I’ve seen them all! You won the competition and more importantly, you and Danny are adorable. I’ve been with you through it all, I’m always with you. The lady bugs you find everywhere are from me. When you find a random coin on your bed at night, you didn’t just forget when you put it there. That was me. I am saying hello and I love you in a million little ways every day. I just haven’t been able to show myself. I was given the assignment of helping Pearl in the park. They knew she might need help with part of the first promise she made you. I just helped get the ball rolling.”

A chime went off and her eyes got huge.

“We don’t have much time. I love you. I’m with you always. Now go have a happy life, no matter how long it is!" 

"Are you happy here? I don’t want you to spend all your time taking care of me. I love you too! So much! I don’t want to go!” I said in a rush, holding her hands.

“You have to, for me and yes, I’m very happy here. If I can’t be with you, heaven is the second best place to be.” Then she threw herself at me again and snuggled into the crook of my neck like she had always done. It was like the puzzle was complete. I closed my eyes and breathed in the smell of her hair.

Then I heard Matt’s shaky voice say “We got a pulse! Good Job Vi!" 

I couldn’t open my eyes, I was just so tired but for once I welcomed sleep like a friend instead of an enemy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've died before, the in-between is as real as I am.


	128. Broken Bianca

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am aware and working on fixing the spacing problem.

Bianca POV  
“I’m so sorry Danny, I wish we could stay with you but I need to go in 10 minutes.”  
  
I had been sitting with Danny for about 3 and a half hours. We still hadn’t heard from Matt so naturally he was distracted and worried. I felt like I was being tortured because I wanted to stay with him. I had sent the other 2 back to the house and the bus was going to swing by the hospital to pick me up but I had just gotten a text from Katya that they were closing up the house now and that they would be here i9n about 10 minutes.  
  
“Of course hun! I understand.”  
  
The phone ringing shattered the awkward silence they had fallen into. Danny picked up the receiver with shaking hands.  
“Hello Matt? How are they?” A pause to listen “Ohmigod WHAT?” Danny’s face went whiter than snow. “ok ok ok! I will meet you there.” another silence “ok I understand. I’ll be there as soon as I get stuff packed up.” More listening, pack up what? “K see you soon.”  
  
Danny hung up and covered his face with his hands and burst into tears. Oh shit. I ran up and grabbed him in a big hug and murmured, “shhh Danny! What happened?”  
  
He cleared his throat and whispered “There was an incident in the OR. Their heart stopped.”  
  
“Oh fuck! Are they….” I couldn’t end the sentence, I felt like I was trying to talk around a softball sized lump in my throat, I held my breath, my eyes pricked with the sting of tears. It was probably only seconds til he answered but it felt like the span of several millennia.  
  
“Vi is in the ICU, they are ok. I gotta pack up the room B. I have to get our stuff out of here because Vi will probably be in the ICU for a bit.” Then he started throwing out the 2 small suitcases in the closet and pulling everything near to him and throwing it in pel mel. I went into the washroom and packed up the few products in there into a small bag and brought it out. Danny had managed to throw everything haphazardly in the suitcases and was just grabbing his and Vi’s phones and chargers when my phone dinged with a text message.  
  
Brian M- Hey B, the owner of the house is running late, she messaged she was stuck in traffic. I’m sorry but we will be about 15- 20 minutes late.  
  
I let out a big breath of air, happy that I had a few more minutes.  
  
“B, I understand you have to go hun. I’ll be fine ” Danny said while he zipped up the suitcases.  
  
“They are going to be late. Thank God. Give me that.” I pulled one of the suitcases from his hand and we left the room, Danny looking back one more time partly out of checking that everything is packed and partly wondering if they would be back.  
We walked down to the oncology ICU which was only one floor directly below.  
  
Just the way you rubberneck at a car accident, you look but don’t mean to. I found myself looking in the rooms even though I didn’t want to.  
  
First room: A family gathered around a boy no more than 6 with a bald head, closed eyes, pained expression and more machines hooked up to him than years he was alive.  
  
Second room: A spindly teenaged girl who didn’t even have the strength to hold up her head, neck flopped backward, mouth wide open, a large swath of gauze around her head. Holding hands with her Dad who was impeccably dressed with grey hair and a raw anguish on his face covered thinly with a smile. His chin was quivering slightly.  
  
Third room: was Vi, their eyes were closed and their face seemed peaceful, they were covered up to their chin in a light blue blanket that was connected by a hose to a machine that was humming0. it was a cold rubbery material. They had a halo of icepacks around their head and a large oxygen mask over their gaunt face. Danny had put down his bag and sank down into the chair beside the bed. His hand snaked under the blanket and his eyes never left their face, his face pinched with worry.  
  
My phone dinged again, making Danny jump, and I sighed and pulled it out.  
  
Brian M- We are on our way.  
  
Shit!  
  
“It’s ok B, I know you gotta go.” Danny whispered but put on a brave face. I leaned over and pulled him into my arms.  
  
“I’m gonna call you when we get to Las Vegas so make sure your phone is on.” I could feel him nod. “I love you so much kiddo. Call me if you need ANYTHING.” I reluctantly let him go as you might a child on their first day of school.  
  
“I love you too B! I’ll be fine, stop worrying.”  
  
“Not today Satan!” I said with a one sided smile and then left the room because I know it wouldn’t ever be easy to leave them but I had to go, it was like ripping off a band-aid. Quick but no less painful.  
  
I walked out into the weak California afternoon sunshine, it was like the sun was sad but still weakly trying to smile on us.  
I passed haggard face by haggard face, family members visiting their ill children. Adore was starting to mirror that expression too much and I worried for him. And I obviously worried for Vi, that was obvious.  
  
I saw the big sleek black tour bus parked on the street, this was a different bus. Katya was waiting outside, smoking a cigarette and doing some weird yoga stretches which made people gawk at her. I trotted up to to her and as soon as she saw me her goofy smile slid off her face. She threw her cig down and put one arm around me and lead me onto the bus.  
  
Everyone was noisily talking amongst themselves, excited about getting back to work, but one by one they saw me and stopped, mouths agape. They knew something was wrong.  
  
“What happened?” Fame said as the queens on the sofa parted like they were the red sea and I was gay Moses, so I could sit down. Just in time as the bus jolted into movement. My legs were like jelly and I would have surely fallen if not for Katya’s steadying arm. The lump was back in my throat and I cleared it loudly.  
  
“So Vi’s ok…now but there was a problem in the operating room and their heart stopped.” Gasps rippled through the room, several queens burst into tears. Pearl was one of the queens and I marveled again at the 360 her attitude had taken. “So they are in the ICU, I helped Danny pack up everything because they don’t know how long they will be there for and they might need their room for someone else. They were covered in a weird cooling blanket and ice packs.”  
  
“Are you ok B?” Sharon asked with genuine concern clear on her face.  
  
“Can any of us say we are?” Everyone shook their heads.  
  
Jinkx murmured “no”.  
  
“It was so hard to leave them." I was making a valiant effort to remain calm but it was exhausting to keep it up. Katya put her hand on my knee and gave it a squeeze and then leaned into me and whispered "No one, besides yourself, expects you to be calm, cool and collected all the time B.”  
  
I put my mouth to her ear and whispered “If I start crying, I’m not sure I’ll ever stop though.”  
  
“Do you want to go somewhere private for a minute? This bus has a second lounge room at the back."  
  
I just nodded, I was so close to losing it. I knew that tears weren’t bad but I felt like, as the oldest queen, I had a certain responsibility to the other queens as a role model and I felt like getting upset around them would be risking that. I knew if I said it out loud that it wouldn’t make sense but it did in my head.  
  
"I need to talk to B alone for a minute ladies, we will be right back.”  
  
“I’m coming too.” Willam said, glaring at Katya as if to tell the queen that she was insistent upon it. It made sense, Will and I often shared a room together and he knew me well. I nodded mutely and the 3 of us trailed down the hallway into a smaller lounge room with plush leather seats that had drawers beneath them, surrounded by big windows that looked out upon the highway that was quickly humming behind us. It had a small TV mounted in the corner and a DVD player and I thought "Great the movie watchers won’t give us the stink eye when we want to talk or play loud games. I was avoiding my emotions by gazing about the room but they did not want to be ignored and crashed into me like a tidal wave crashing onto the beach. A punishing wave that would make the rocks underneath it smooth with the pressure of it’s weight.  
  
Willam pulled me down onto the sofa just before I balled up the front of my t-shirt and shoved it into my mouth and let out a muffled anguished wail. Violet’s terrified face before they were whisked away and Danny’s pale face when he found out the news flashed before my eyes. Violet laying, looking so damn tiny in the bed, hooked up to machines when they were in a coma. Violet trying so hard to be brave while they said what could have been their last goodbyes to their friends…no fuck that friends shit! We were their family. I’ve seen some life but this was unparallel to anything I had ever experienced in this life. Willam held onto me while I cried into his chest, I weeped while violent sobs shook my entire body. I was trying to be quiet but it wasn’t working and I didn’t care right then at that moment. Katya rubbed my back. Neither said a word or tried to placate me but just sat with me. A sign of brotherhood or sisterhood or whatever.  
  
At one point Alaska brought back 4 cups of tea with honey and then she sat with us for a bit. I eventually calmed enough to sip the sweet liquid, allowing it to soothe the ragged glass that was my aching throat.  
  
After a time, I said in a gravely voice "I’m exhausted” and I was “I’m gonna lay down for a bit.” I just wanted to have a moment in private. Since finding out the news, I had not been alone yet other than the quick walk to the bus and at that moment I was observing people’s faces.  
  
“Of course. We put you on the first row of bunks on the right, in the middle bunk.” Katya said standing up with me. Once in the hall I noticed the bunks were 3 deep instead of the usual 2. There was one that was pretty much almost flush to the floor of the bus, the middle one was about the height of a regular bed and the top one was…well the top one. There were 2 rows of bunks on each side with a wide set of drawers in between them. Someone had put my bag at the foot of my bed. I climbed in, surprised that the beds were wider than the previous buses’ and the mattresses were much more comfortable. I curled up in a ball.  
  
“Want this closed?” Alaska said, indicating the curtain.  
  
“Yes please.”  
  
Alaska closed it and I was happy to see that the ends of the thick cloth curtain were clear plastic you could see out of it. They all waved as they passed by me and I sighed heavily and rolled onto my stomach. I buried my head in the feather pillow I traveled with and started crying again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone around if I Periscoped? Lemme know


	129. It's Not My fault!

Adore’s POV  
  
After Bianca left, I just sat there in a dejected silence. I looked around the room, aside from the standard hospital bed and myriad of machines there was a low bench built into the wall and the chair I was sitting on of course. There was a small TV across from the bed.  
  
I didn’t know if Vi was going to wake up today or not. I had literally no information on what happened and I was hoping that a Doctor would come in soon to assuage my racing mind or at least tell me what we were dealing with.  
  
Jason’s hand was warm under the freezing blanket they had on them. The blanket sloshed and I realized the humming machine that was attached to it was circulating cold water through it. They had heart monitor wires coming out of the top of the blanket and I was mesmerized with their heart beat just as I was before they were diagnosed. Occasionally the blood pressure cuff around their arm made a low buzz as it squeezed, startling me every time. They had wires stuck onto their bald head that lead to another machine where there were several lines of waves. They had a thin tube snaking out of the corner of their mouth and going to yet another smaller machine that just displayed flickering numbers.  
  
The door slid open and a Doctor I didn’t know came in and introduced herself as Dr K the anesthesiologist. She took in all the monitors for a minute which felt like forever.  
  
“So I’m sure you are wondering what happened. Jason had a nightmare before they went into surgery and they begged to not be put under complete anesthetic.”  
  
“Yeah they have really scary nightmares sometimes.”  
  
“Yes, I decided it was a reasonable request so we put them under what is called a twilight sedation where they can still hear and are somewhat awake but they can’t move. Because of the different medication used for sedation rather than general anesthetic, Jason had an incredibly rare side effect called malignant hyperthermia. It’s basically when your body spontaneously develops a very high fever which can affect your brain which controls everything including their heart.”  
  
“So that’s why they have this blanket on? Are they gonna be ok? Was there any damage to their heart? Will they wake up today?” I said through a throat that felt like it was closing up.  
  
“We’re keeping an eye on their brain, their temperature has come down considerably enough to remove the cooling blanket and ice packs. The wire coming out of their mouth is an internal thermometer to measure their core temperature, that will stay in for at least 12-24 hours. I am going to take the oxygen off because they seem to be holding their own. "She gingerly pulled the Oxygen mask off Vi’s face. "Their heart seems to have bounced back well but we are monitoring that too. The spots where we put the defibrillator pads will be sore.”  
  
The idea of Vi needing to be shocked back to life sent a cold shiver down my back.  
  
“To answer your other question, they should be awake today. Any time now actually. We should have their test results in the next 24 hours. Any other questions?” She said, checking her wristwatch.  
  
I just shook my head. She reached over and gave my arm a little squeeze, “we are doing everything we can to take good care of them. I’ll check in with you in a bit and Dr Bailey will see you during her rounds tomorrow morning.”  
  
“Thank you.” I said and she turned around and left and I was alone again but not for long as a nurse came in. She had bright pink scrubs and was tall and thin. He red hair in a pixie cut and more freckles than I could count.  
  
“Hi there hun,” she said cheerfully “I’m Lisa, I’ll be Jason’s nurse tonight. I’m going to take this blanket off them in a moment.” She pressed a button on the machine and I watched the blanket flatten while she removed the ice packs and threw them in the garbage. She folded the blanket in half and then pulled it off completely, staggering slightly under the weight of it and disappearing out the door with it and returning a moment later with some regular white flannel blankets and covering Vi up again. She smiled at me.  
  
“Can I get anything for you sir?” I shook my head, I seemed to have lost my ability to speak, and she left.  
  
Violet stirred in their sleep and a small lightning bolt of fear skittered through my body while I hoped with every fiber of my being that they weren’t going to have a nightmare. A few moments later their eyes fluttered open and they looked around.  
  
“Hey you. You’re ok. They had to move you to the ICU after your test because there was a complication.”  
  
“I died right?"  
  
"Yeah…how did you…”  
  
“I saw Cassie, she said I was in the in between she said and because I died I got to talk to her.”  
“Are you ok?” I said, feeling scared at what they were going to tell me but to my surprise their face broke into a huge smile.  
  
“Better than ok! Cassie is good.”  
  
“What do you mean she is good? She is the spawn of Satan and if Pearl could see her, it means she is getting stronger and that makes me very scared for you Vi.” I blurted out, lifting their hand and giving it a lingering kiss.  
  
“No the dreams were all my fault. The calls were coming from inside the house Danny! My brain was torturing me and she told me in no uncertain terms to stop. She doesn’t blame me. She doesn’t blame me Danny!” The smile on their face was glorious and it made me smile too. “I’m sorry I freaked you out though! Obviously dying wasn’t a goal of mine but I think it happened for a reason. She visits me, she said we are adorable together.”  
  
“I’m confused though, what about the park with Pearl? Was that just coincidence that she looked and had the same name as her?”  
  
Jason didn’t seem to have the ability to stop smiling, “that WAS her! She said she was given an assignment to help Pearl to start letting people in. It was really her Danny!” Then Vi, still looking serene, burst into tears. “It’s not my fault, she said it wasn’t my fault. She waited til I had walked away to go. I didn’t do anything wrong!”  
  
I leaned over and held them awkwardly, trying not to mess up any of the wires and tubes that were emanating from their body.  
  
A little bubble of laughter came out of them after a time, "I would have never imagined I would ever say this but I’m glad I died…but only for a minute! I came right back to you.”

  



	130. Big Bandaides and Blasphemies

Bonnie’s (Adore’s Mum) POV  
I had such a great time with Ruth but I was glad to be home and more than glad to be going to see my boy and Violet. The sun was just setting as I pulled into the parking lot of the hospital and got out of the car. I went around to the passenger side and pulled out the large insulated bag that I brought every time I came. Danny and Vi were both looking very thin and I was determined to make sure they ate something. I also picked up my tablet and threw it in my purse so I could show them pictures of our trip. I morosely wondered if Vi and Danny would ever get to take a celebratory trip like that while I walked to the hospital doors, I hoped they would. I refused to entertain any other option but Vi surviving. Danny would be absolutely crushed if anything happened to Vi. My feet carried me independently while I thought.

I went into the room, “hey guys!” but no one was there. Maybe they went out? But the bed was stripped down. They didn’t know I was coming after-all because Ruth and I had come home a day early. I looked in the closet and their bags were gone.   
Oh no! Oh no! I thought as I frantically backtracked to the nurses desk. Matt spotted me and came over, “Hey Bonnie.” He said brightly and then clued in to why I was looking alarmed.  
“Vi is in the ICU, something happened during their test and they need to be observed more closely for the next day or two.” Matt looked traumatized.

“Were you there?" 

He nodded, his eyes wide. I was afraid to ask what happened and I knew that Matt shouldn’t tell me because of confidentiality.

"Where are they? Can I go visit?”

“Of course you can! It’s one floor down from this one. You’ll have to buzz in but they’ll let you in and hopefully I’ll see you guys back here soon!”

I backtracked to the elevator and went down a floor. Once they let me in, I steeled my nerves to prepare myself for what I was about to see because I didn’t know what kind of condition Vi was in. I took a deep breath and turned the corner to find Danny and Vi chatting animatedly while holding hands. Violet looked great and I was pleasantly surprised. Not at all what I expected.  
Danny noticed me first.

“Momma!!” He jumped up and hugged me for a long time. Violet turned to me and smiled, they looked like the weight of the world had been taken off their shoulders. Definitely not what I would expect from someone in the ICU. Vi flung their arms out and I gathered them into a gentle hug, they pulled me close but I could hear their sharp intake of breath so I let them go. They grimaced and rubbed at their chest.

“Sorry.”

“Are you ok?” Danny and I said at the same time.

“I’m ok, just sore from where they had to zap me.” They grabbed the call button and pressed it, something I had never really seen them do.

“Zap you?” I asked.

“Mom you should sit down.” Danny said, his brown eyes serious and filling with tears.

I came over, handed Danny the lunch bag and sat on the edge of the chair. Danny perched on the arm of the chair and I put my arm around him.

Violet opened their mouth but the door slid open before anything could come out, a girl in pick scrubs came in.  
“Hey Jason, I’m Lisa. What do you need hun?”

“Can I get some pain meds please? My chest is really sore on top of my usual pain.”

“I will check in with your doctor and see if we can up your dose for the time being. Anything else you need?”  
Vi shook their head and the nurse left.

“Ok please explain to me what happened?”

“Weeellll, I had a liiittle incident in the OR and my heart kinda stopped but just for a few moments, they brought me right back.”  
“Oh my God!!” I said, covering my mouth, “Are you ok?”

“I’m great, it sounds like it was just a freak incident where my temperature went really high and momentarily short-circuited my heart.”

“Well I’m glad you are ok now! Oh dear! I’m glad I’m sitting!” It was true, my legs suddenly felt like they were made of jello. My face felt red as I ran my hand across my sopping forehead. “I brought some sandwiches.” I added feebly.

“Yay!!!” Danny exclaimed, picking up the bag and sticking his face inside and inhaling loudly while Vi and I giggled.

Lexi slid open the door, carrying a syringe, “Hey, So your Doc want to give you 1 and a half times your regular dose and we’ll keep it like that for the next day or two. Sound ok?” Vi nodded and held their line out. Within about a minute their furrowed brow was smoothed out and they sighed. “Can I eat with this thing in?” Vi asked, pointing to the thin wire that snaked out of their mouth and was taped to their cheek.

“Oh yeah for sure! Just chew it well and eat slowly and it will be fine! Take some sips of liquid between bites. Just eat whatever you can tolerate and let us know how much you were able to eat. Danny, do you want me to show you where the little kitchen area is?” Danny threw the bag on the bed and jumped up and followed her out.

Vi was laying there, looking serene, smiling to themselves. Something was different about them and I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was. They finally seemed to remember I was there and turned to me. “How was your vacation with Ruth?”

“It was really good, we had so much fun! Caught a few shows, went to the spa, hung out by the pool with our fancy drinks. Glad to be home though and it’s good to see you in one piece! I’m so glad you are ok!” I went over and pulled them into another hug, feeling molten tears cascade down my face. When I pulled away and they saw I was crying they didn’t look uncomfortable like they usually did when someone cried around them. They grabbed my hand in both of their slightly trembling hands and smiled and then asked “What’s in the bag?” with a little smirk.

I threw my head back and laughed and pulled the sack over to them, sitting on the side of the bed and trying to be careful not to get myself caught on any of their tubes and wires.

They pulled out the sandwiches and peaked into each one to see what kind it was. They picked up the last which was obviously not the shape of a sandwich. They didn’t open it, just looked at me accusatorily and joked “ok what is this blasphemy in here?”

I chuckled “I thought I’d spice things up. Literally! It’s tofu chicken, tomatoes, lettuce and cheese with a jalapeño ranch sauce on a pita. They are cut in half if you think a whole one would be too much.”

“Bonnie, have I told you lately how fucking awesome you are?”

“Uh no but thank you so much darling, I’m glad I could help out in your time of need baby.” My stomach dropped into my shoes when I asked the next question, it just popped out, “Do your parents even know you are here hun? I mean I am so honoured to help and I want you to know that is never going to stop but I just worry they are missing out on time with you and being able to help you too. I love you so much Vi and I want you to feel like you got a Mom that cares so much for you right here in me. I’ll always be here for you baby.” By the end of my impassioned speech I was crying again, great rivulets of hot tears poured from my eyes. 

“Oooh Bonnie stop, please, I’m ok with it! I really am! There are some things that people can’t handle and I would prefer them not to come if they are just going to cause a scene and make them relive all those bad memories they have worked so damn hard to bury, you know what I mean or are these new meds having me spouting nonsense right now?” They said with a little giggle.

“No that makes perfect sense! Grab you some food before you fall asleep.” They picked through and grabbed a half of a peanut butter, banana and honey sandwich and a half of a pita. They spread a piece of tinfoil on their lap and nibbled on a corner of the pita cautiously. 

“Mmmm it’s good!” I passed them a bottle of water and they took a big gulp of it. “Thank you! I think there might be a hole in my tongue from that sauce but it’s so good!” Their eyes were starting to droop as they polished off the other half of the peanut butter sandwich. What was taking Danny so long?  
Danny loped around the corner smiling like an idiot with some ginger ale, chocolate milk and some paper plates in his hands. He pushed the door open with his elbow. “It seems I have arrived late to the party. Did you manage to eat something my love? Drink this chocolaty milk shake type beverage.”

Violet reached out to take the drink and missed the bottle. “Sorry it seems my eyes no likey the stronger meds.” They giggled and then hiccuped and then reached to hold Danny’s hand.

“No worries hun. Close your eyes. I’ll see you in the morning. I really actually love you.”

They smiled, “I really actually love you too” and then closed their eyes.

Danny started singing, God I love it when he sings.  
“baby close your eyes  
under painted skies  
angels on a string  
circling  
baby as you sleep  
i’ll watch you while you dream  
a world away from me  
but not so far that you can’t reach  
and if those painted skies have turned to gray  
those angels on a string have flown away  
sleep in heavenly peace  
don't worry ‘bout a thing  
sure as the morning sun appears  
i’ll be here”

By the end of the song Violet’s face was soft and they had let go of Danny’s hand. Danny came around and burrowed around in the lunch bag, he sat at my feet like he used to when he was little and I just played with his peach fuzz while he ate. When he got to the new one he took a few bites and the spice caught up to him and he downed the chocolate shake.

“Holy fuck Mother!” He whispered, “are you TRYING to kill us?”   
I let out a little chuckle. “it’s ok if you don’t like it, I was just trying out something different.”

“Are you kidding!? I love it!! I was just really attached with the roof of my mouth til now!” I could see his silhouette in the lights of the hallway. He looked like an old man, his shoulders hunched.  
“Come on up here.” I said, patting my lap. Yes he was an adult but he was still my baby. He crawled in my lap, obviously too big but it was ok. I gathered him up and just held on to him and didn’t speak, just held on. Eventually sobs started to wrack his body, I held him close, his head resting on my shoulder. He had one hand covering his mouth. I just held onto him tightly while he let it out. When his sobs lessened he whispered, “I could have lost them today Mama. I could have.”

“I know baby and I know you are so scared and I’m scared too.” I rocked him slightly like he was 5 years old again and had scraped his knee except there wasn’t a band-aid big enough to fix a breaking heart. The frustrating part was that, unlike when he was 5, this time Momma didn’t have all the answers to make it all better either.


	131. Movin' On Up

Violet’s POV

I woke up to hear someone clearing their throat and calling my name. I blinked a few times and scrubbed the sleep from my eyes and then looked around confused, momentarily forgetting that I was in the ICU. Danny was sprawled out in the chair beside the bed, his neck at an impossibly bad angle that I knew was going to give him a wicked headache, my poor baby. He was still asleep so it wasn’t him.

“Jason?” I turned to see Dr Bailey’s petite face in front of me. She smiled and whispered, “ I hear you gave everyone a pretty bad scare yesterday! It’s been a rough few days for you with the medication issue and then the reaction to anesthetic. How are you feeling right now?”  
I flexed my joints and took stock of my body, my chest still hurt but less than yesterday, my pain was at a tolerable level again. 

“I feel pretty good, considering. How were my test results?” My empty stomach was riddled with anxiety churned lava-hot acid inside it.  
She looked regretful and my stomach dropped down to my toes. “I’m so sorry to keep you waiting but there was a backup in the lab last night so we should get them by the end of today if not tomorrow morning. I apologize again.” She looked down at my chart for a minute and clicked her tongue. I really hate it when they do that. “So I’m happy to say that your vitals have been good since you have been in here, we just wanted to keep a closer eye on you after your incident in the ER. I’m going to examine you and if you seem to be doing well, we will see about getting you back to the regular oncology ward.”  
“Just like that?” I wondered, surprised at how quickly things were changing.

“Yes just like that,” she said with a small chuckle. “You are a very strong person Jason and I don’t really see the need to keep you in here if the exam goes well and we find you a room back on the floor. Obviously the staff will be keeping a closer watch over you for a bit and it will be afternoon before you are moved, if you are stable.” She looked over at Adore’s baby face and smiled, “he’s going to have a very sore neck when he wakes up. Next time, he should sleep in the family room, it’s just bunk beds but it’s a bit kinder on the body than a chair.”

“He won’t sleep anywhere else. He’s stubborn.” I said with a half-sided grin.

“He’s a keeper.” She said and then examined me, marveling how incredible my recovery has been. She left with a smile on her face, which lessened my worry a bit. Maybe if I was back on the regular ward, I wouldn’t feel so anxious.

Then I just sat there and watched Danny sleep.

He started to stir then winced and grabbed his neck. “Shit!” He muttered, looking up. 

“Hey crazy ass! You should have gone with your Mom last night silly! How’s the neck?”

"Good morning Sunshine!" He rolled his neck and groaned.

“Come here baby.” I sat up and patted the bed in front of me, he sat facing me and I smacked him upside the head, "turn around silly!“ He smiled his goofy smile that makes my heart skip a beat, turned around and I started to work out the giant knot at the base of his skull, he let out a few grunts of pain now and then but after a few moments he sighed and his shoulders relaxed. I kissed the nape of his neck and he let out a little squeal and threw his head back, narrowly missing my nose. Thankfully my reflexes were still fully intact. He turned back around to face me again.

"Thank you love.”

“Hey I got some good news for you!" 

"Oh yeah? I’m down to hear some good news!” He said, pulling my hand into his.

“So we might be going back from whence we came to the regular ward today! I didn’t even know someone could be excited about going onto the oncology floor until this very moment!”

“How do you know?” He said with his almost perpetual look of confusion on his beautiful face.

“Dr Bailey came in! You were sound asleep! Sorry for falling asleep last night! When did your Mom leave?" 

"I don’t really know when she left, I kinda fell asleep on her and she made me move off onto the chair at one point. I don’t know what time that was.” His face was getting red.

“You fell asleep on your Mom, like ON her lap? You are like a little kid! Aww that is the cutest thing I have ever heard!!” I teased and if I was being truthful I was feeling a bit envious of Danny and his Mom’s relationship.

“Well I didn’t MEAN to fall asleep. Did you get your test results?” He chewed on his bottom lip, a sign he was feeling nervous or stressed.

“No hun, there was some mix up in the lab, so it will be later today or tomorrowish.” I sighed, feeling guilty as usual.  
“Stop it! I see you!” He said with a brilliant smile. “It’s ok, we are ok. Well relatively speaking.” He waved his hand at my blue generic hospital gown, “I love your gown, is it vintage?”

“Ugh probably,” I laughed “I don’t want to think about how vintage this gown is! I’ll just pretend it is a House of Canney original.”  
He threw his head back and laughed, the sound coursed through my body like an electrical current making all my nerves tingle with happiness. Why does he affect me so? 

“Oh bitch! I can totally envision you lounging around in your coronation gown! For the record, you look just as gorgeous now.”  
“Awww you are sweet!” I pulled him in for a hug, he held me like I was a Fabergé egg. “You are a HOOOORRIBLE liar but you are so sweet and I’m so lucky to have you. I really actually love you so much.” His chest vibrated from his resulting chuckle but it quickly turned into a quick sob. I pulled him out and held him by the shoulders.

“I’m sorry!” He let out another sob, covering his face with his hand, “I’m sorry!” He said again. “You scared me so much, I don’t want to ever be without you!” Then he broke down, as my heart broke apart into a billion pieces because I know I caused him this pain. I pulled him back into a hug and we gently rocked back and forth while he cried.

I rubbed his back and whispered “It’s ok! I’m right here baby. I’m ok.” over and over again.

But would I be ok?


	132. Stories and Views

Katya’s POV

We were about an hour and a half into the trip, everyone was subdued on the bus to Vegas, at one point Phi Phi laughed at Pearl almost falling over a chair when the bus stopped suddenly and then she looked like she had just farted in church. Red creeping up her neck to her ears like a rash.

It seemed to break a bit of the tension though.

“Landing 2 out of 10. Overall score 2.5 out of 10” I said in my thickest Russian accent, pretending to be a gymnastics judge. Pearl gave me the finger and meandered off towards the bunks. “Was it something I said?”

Everybody laughed quietly, Willam putting a hand over his mouth to muffle the seal barks he called a laugh so that he hopefully didn’t wake up B if he was sleeping.

Poor B, the terror that had resided in his eyes when he got on the bus was almost palpable. It scared me. B was generally unshakable and to see a seemingly infallible person crumble, like the rocks slowly submit to the sea, was so alarming. I worried about him but I worried about everyone. It’s Benny’s favourite thing to do.

I pretended to be on my phone while I thought.

I felt someone’s hand on my knee and I jumped. Justin’s long spindly fingers remained on my leg.  
“Sorry for scaring you! Do you need anything hun? Is Benny marathoning right now?” He gave my leg a little squeeze. I just nodded.

He stood up and grabbed my hand and pulled me up, “come with me.”

I followed him along the bus, past the kitchen where we stopped to grab a drink and then continued along the way to the empty back lounge. I sat down with a oof and Justin curled up into my side with his arm across my chest. We sat there for around a half an hour, not saying anything as if we could convey thoughts to each other by closeness. I wrapped my arm around him and rubbed circles on his back. He just held onto me, which is exactly what I needed.

How does he always know just what I need? Sometimes before I even knew it.

Normally I get very anxious about silence but with Justin, there was a comfort in it that I couldn’t explain. Maybe it was the scent that lingered around him like an invisible cloud of comfort. Fleecy, forest and his toothpaste. Happy smells. I had never noticed it before and it’s not like we hadn’t been in close proximity to each other before, spending nights side by side, watching corny movies or B rated horror films. Occasionally falling asleep beside each other.

“What I wouldn’t give for Adore and Vi to be here though. I can deal with Vi’s BO stinking up the bus and their snarky commentary or Adore, stoned out of her tree eating chips in bed in the middle of the night, crinkling the bag and making so much noise she woke everyone up.”

“Me too hun!” I hadn’t realized I had said that out-loud. I felt Justin yawn.

“You need a nap.”

“But I want to stay here with you!” He whined.  
“Stretch out a bit. Put your head down.” I said, stretching out on my back so he was squished on his side against me, he curled in and put his head on my chest over my heart. I’m sure my heart was beating a mile a minute, some people got butterflies in their stomach when they were around someone they cared about, I felt butterflies in my heart.

“Your heart is going so fast, it’s galloping.” He said, bending his head back so he could look at me, a look of worry clouding his face.

“Well it’s all your fault.”

“MY FAULT?” He said with a low laugh, smacking my chest. “And why, pray tell, is it my fault?”

“I can’t help it that the butterflies got lost when they are supposed to be in my stomach when I’m around you!”

“You are such a fucking sap.”

“Affirmative. Close your eyes.” He put his head back down on my chest, the weight comforting, and draped an angular arm lazily across my chest. 

He sighed, “Tell me a story. Please?” It had been a long time since I told him a bedtime story, my mind momentarily traveling back to that time when he had a horrible flu and couldn’t fall asleep.

“Once upon a time, there was a beautiful alien princess from the planet Glamtron.” I felt him smile. “She was out one day for a ride in her Dad’s new Danvers 5000 space rocket that he had just bought. She had been feeling restless all day and decided she would take it for a spin even though she know she wasn’t allowed. She wanted to go and look at a planet called Earth but, she had to be careful because it was hard to not be detected by the satellite machines orbiting around the planet. She had studied about Earth in a book she got from the library, she even learned a bit of their language. She had never been able to get that close to Earth, but the Danvers 5000 had an excellent cloaking ability. As long as she didn’t hit any of their satellites, she would be undetected and could get a closer look. She was beguiled by the cool blue and the green of the planet, so different from the pink ground and neon yellow water of her planet which was too bright and felt gaudy to her.”

He had melted into me as his muscles relaxed. His breathing was now even. I put my head back against the window and looked at the expanse of green going swiftly behind us. I closed my eyes for a minute, they were so dry.

“Katya? Alaska?” Someone whispered. “Katya? Alaska?” They said a bit louder. Alaska stirred and took a deep breath as I opened my bleary eyes to see Jinkxy’s sweet grinning face. “Sorry to wake you but we are here.”

“I didn’t even mean to fall asleep!” I looked out the windows at the busy street. “What time is it?”  
Jinkxy turned on their phone, “it’s 4:43. After we get our room keys, does anyone wanna go have dinner?”

“I will! Justin, do you feel like feeding the zoo?”   
Justin let out a burst of laughter and smacked me again. “I could eat.”

Jinkx looked so confused but shrugged and smiled. “We need to bring out our boy bags and our drag. There are about 4 carts outside.”

We nodded and they left, the bus was eerily empty and I wondered how long it took for them to wake us up. Jinkx is such a gentle soul, they probably didn’t want to startle us. We grabbed up our boy bags that had been plunked haphazardly in our bunks when we got on. By the time we got out, someone had already gotten our drag bags from under the bus.

We trailed after Jinkxy and Pearl, who was doing her usual saunter but she somehow looked taller, like a weight was taken off her shoulders and she didn’t have to shoulder that burden anymore. We were all staring up at the mini Eiffel tower they have that we almost ran into a plate glass window by the door. Luckily the doorman grabbed our attention with a chuckle before we would have a 4 queen pileup!

“Sorry” I said, going red in the face while Justin giggled beside me, hand in hand.

“Happens all the time Sir.”

When we got into the lobby our mouths flopped open, the ceilings were incredibly high, sparkling chandeliers, ivory marble and gold everywhere. A bustling casino on the left and the check in on the right. All the queens were standing around but Bianca and Michelle were sitting, B had his arm around a pale Michelle and it was a safe assumption that he had just told her what happened with Vi. She was looking at her feet and looked like she was trying not to lose it in such a public place.

When she looked up, she did a double take to stare at Justin and I’s joined hands.

“FINALLY!” She exclaimed as she looked up at us and a small smile tugged up a corner of her mouth.

“SERIOUSLY, did everyone know?” I asked.

“YES!” They all yelled in unison, looking exasperated at my question.

“Chert!” I muttered. (Damn)

“Katya we don’t speak Russian” everyone said, sharing a smile.

Michelle seemed to gain her composure again and took a deep breath. “Ok rooms! Unfortunately there was a mix up with the rooms and we only have 5 so someone will have to room with me. All the rooms are full because of a few conventions that are here until tomorrow. If any of you would rather not I’m sure we can find a room in a hotel close to here.”

“Oh girl! We are fine! I’ll share with you.” Pearl volunteered and surprised look passed over Michelle’s face and she took an extra careful look at Pearl for a good minute.

“Do I have something on my face?” Pearl joked.

“So rooms,” Michelle said with a shake of her head. “Katya and Alaska of course, B and Willam, Jinkxy and Miss Fame, oh that leaves you and Phi Phi. Oh I didn’t think that one out.” She said to Sharon and you could see Michelle doing damage control in her head to switch things around.

“Oh Michelle, that was eons ago. I’m sure me and the tired ass show girl can play nice!” Sharon joked and Phi Phi jabbed Sharon in the ribs with her elbow while she laughed.

“Ok, true. Here are your keys with the room numbers, we are all over the place. Pearl and I are in 322, I have everyone’s rooms if you need anyone, just text me or uh text them! We’ll meet down here at 9 in drag ready to go. Sound good?”

We all nodded but before we could scatter, Alaska said “Hey, Jinkxy, the Russian hooker and I are going to find some food. Anyone who wants to join, meet here in a half an hour? I’ll look up what restaurants there are before we meet! Katya and I will do some recon!”

There was a smattering of “sure"s and nods but I couldn’t tell you who did or didn’t, we’ll find out in half an hour I guess. Then we scattered.

Alaska and I managed to grab a cart and pile our bags on it. A bellboy came up to us and offered to show us where our room was and we gladly took him up on it because the hotel was huge. When we got up to our room we tipped him and then Justin went over to open the blinds since there was still some light out and the room was dim. He gasped.

"What?” I said, immediately alarmed. “Is there a spider?”

“Just come here Bri!”  
“IS it a spider! You know I’m afraid of them.”

I went close by but I was hesitant. Justin came over smiling and put his arm around me and steered me to look out the window. The view was breathtaking, we could see most of the lit up Eiffel tower and the surrounding lights of the bustling city. I don't know how long we stood there, his arm around my shoulder and mine snaked around his waist.

It was beautiful, but I spent more time looking at him than I did at the view. Both were beautiful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Author’s note: the hotel depicted in this chapter is a real hotel that I’ve been at and suggest to anyone going to Vegas to go . The story that Katya tells Alaska will be a one shot think that I will be doing.)


	133. Chivalry is NOT dead

Michelle POV

“Michelle?” Pearl said, putting her hand on my shoulder and making me jump. “Shit! Sorry hun, I didn’t mean to scare you! You’ve just been standing at the door for about 5 minutes and I thought you were just organizing shit in your head or something but then you didn’t move. I even called your name a few times. No response at ALL!" I still didn’t move, it was like my feet had grown roots into the floor. I couldn’t move.

“Let me help you to the couch here.” He came and threaded his arm through mine and walked me over to sit down. Then he went and got me some water. “Here. Are you ok? Well d'uh! That’s a dumb question, of course you aren’t! You are in shock Michelle.” He sat beside me and pulled me into a big hug. “Let it go baby, it’s just you and me, let it out Michelle. You will feel better.”

Did Pearl, the person who usually ran at the first sight of emotion, suggest it was ok to cry on his shoulder? What the hell happened in California?

Vi died, they could have not come back. Life without their snarky wit. My stomach churned at the thought.

“Michelle?” Pearl said, sounding a bit scared.

I ran to the bathroom and proceeded to ralph my guts up until all that was left was bile while I sobbed brokenly with my cheek against the cold porcelain of the toilet. Pearl was beside me, rubbing my back. He stood up for a minute while I dry heaved again. When I lifted my face up, he passed me a hot washcloth and a little bottle of mouthwash . Afterwards I sat back on my heels away from the toilet, I had nothing left in my stomach to throw up. Pearl reached over and flushed the toilet and then he stood up, putting his hands out to help me up.

He led me not to the couch but to one of the beds. I was still shaking all over, at one point he was basically almost carrying me. He pulled the blankets down and plunked me down.

“Do you want to sit up or lay down?" 

I sighed, crying and vomiting had exhausted me. "I think I’m going to lay down and have a nap.” I laid down and curled into a ball. Pearly covered me up and pulled the blanket off his bed and put it overtop of me too. My teeth chattered against each other. I could feel the pull of sleep. “Pearly?”

“Yes hun?”

“Go and have dinner. If you could find me something on the way back? You know the deal. Gluten free and vegan.”

“Nah, I’m good here. I might curl up too. I didn’t really wanna go anyway.”  
“Pearly, you are a bad liar.”

He laughed. “Go to sleep woman. I’m fine. I AM going to curl up for a minute too and then I’ll find us some food. Rest please. Take care of you so you can take care of the fans later. I can’t remember who said that to me?” he said with a twinkle in his eyes, “I dunno, some wise bitch. I’ll set an alarm.”

My eyes were getting heavy. Pearl came and pulled the blankets up to my chin and gave me a kiss on the crown of my head looking worried that I was still trembling. I closed my eyes.

He walked away to pull his phone out. 

“Hey Jinkxy,” he said in a low whisper, “I’m not gonna be able to meet you guys for dinner.” He paused and listened for a moment while I floated in and out of semi-consciousness on the way towards sleep. “Yeah, Michelle is in shock and I don’t want to leave her alone.” There is another pause while he listened to Jinkxy. “Yeah she is in bed now trying to get a bit of sleep. I may have a nap myself. Can one of you bring something up for Michelle and I to eat after your dinner? You know Michelle’s dietary needs and anything for me. I’m not picky.” He was listening again but then I finally fell asleep.


	134. Buffets and Beautiful People

Jinkx’ POV  
“Ok Pearly. I’ll text you before I bring something up. Bye.”

Once Fame and I got up to the room, I had decided to open up my “boy” bag and changed into my favourite womens grey loose long sweater and a pair of tight red jeans. I threw a slouchy hat on my head, making a face at my reflection in the mirror. I felt bad that I sort of regretted my head shave but I’m vain as hell. What do you expect? I’m a mother fucking drag queen!

“You look beautiful Jinkxy. You always do, please don’t worry.” Fame said, her reflection standing behind mine. She put her arms around my neck and smiled. My reflexion smiled back. “Was that Pearly on the phone?”

I nodded, “yeah, he’s not coming to dinner. He’s gonna stay with Michelle, she’s pretty upset. He said she was sleeping when we ended our call. He said she was shaking really bad.” I bit my red-painted nail, something I have done when I was anxious since forever.

Fame swatted my hand away. “I hope Michelle is ok. Stop that! Let’s go eat!”

“Ok! Let’s go!” I said, grabbing my bag.

When we got back down to the lobby, after only getting lost once, we saw Katya, Alaska, Phi Phi and Sharon.

“B and Willam decided not to come down, lazy arses!” Alaska joked. “So there are a few options we scouted out, a burger place, a bakery, a creperie where you can get different crepes, a French styled buffet and a noodle joint.”

“Wow that’s a lot of restaurants!” I exclaimed, shifting my hat on my head.

“We are in Vegas, I’m down for a buffet. Well I’m down for a buffet anywhere.” Phi Phi chuckled.

“I’m in!” I said, smiling. There were nods all around. Buffets are great for our groups because we can all find something but we were not prepared for this one. There were a bunch of different dining rooms all decorated for it to appear that we were sitting outside. There were several stations where you could get food made to order and we all separated to get our plates and met back at the bread station and then managed to find a seat for 6 in the bustling mill of hungry people.

Throughout dinner, we kept pointing to each others plates and saying “I didn’t know they had that here!” There was roast beef and crab legs and crepes you could pick what was inside them.  
We were all stuffed and on dessert when Miss Fame said “Do you think Michelle is gonna be ok? Jinkxy was saying she was pretty upset, that is why she isn’t here and Pearl didn’t want to leave her.” Miss Fame said, delicately nibbling on a macaroon. “Pearl has changed so much in the past 24 hours.” She said, her eyes getting misty. As usual.

We all nodded. Fame checked her phone and squeaked, “If I don’t go up now, I’m gonna have less than 3 hours!” She jumped up, looking alarmed.

“Oh no!” Katya exclaimed and looked over at Alaska, “ONLY 3 hours!” She pretended to faint into her.

Fame stood up straight and pretended to look haughty, “just for that Katya Zamoblablabla, you can pay for my dinner!” Then she nonchalantly sauntered away.

We all cracked up as we separated, Katya pulled Fame’s bill towards her and shrugged, smiling her goofy grin.

We scattered like beads on a broken necklace to go get ready. 

I went and got Michelle and Pearl some rice noodles. I was texting Pearl while waiting for the food. I knocked on room 322 as quietly as I could and a smiling Pearl opened it.

“Hey,” I whispered. “I got you both noodles. Tofu for Michelle and shrimp for you.”

“Thank you for not subjecting me to tofu.” Pearl joked.

“Hey! I heard that! Don’t hate what you’ve never tried!” Michelle hollered.

“Yeah, yeah!” Pearl said, grabbing the bags. “Thank you so much Jinkxy. How much do I owe you?” he asked while trying to juggle the bags to get out his wallet.

I put my hand out before he could drop them. “Don’t worry about it! You can get it the next time, I’ll make sure to order caviar and lobster. How is Michelle?”

His brow furrowed for the smallest of moments. “She’s better than she was, still pretty shaken up.”

“Of course! Ok I’ll let you guys eat, see you in a little bit!”

When I got to Fame and I’s room, Fame had already put her makeup and supplies and lighted mirror on the office type desk.

“Are you sure you don’t want the bathroom hun? It’s bigger.”

“Nah I’m good love!” Fame had already put on her face-tape and was getting ready to do her eyeliner. The faint smell of shaving cream was in the air. If I started painting now, I’d be done too early so I just sat on the side of my bed and watched a beautiful man become a beautiful woman, almost like it was magic.

“So how are you Jinkxy?” Her reflexion looking straight at me. Fame had one of those looks that could cut you to the core in moments.  
“I don’t feel like I’m really here. Like I feel,” I groped around for a word or words that would explain the gravitas of what I was feeling.

“Like most of your heart is back in California with Vi and Adore?” She said quietly, leaning her head back and dabbing the tears at the corner of her eyes to avoid ruining her makeup.  
Now was not a good time to fall apart. Not when we had fans to meet who paid money to see us. Who were excited to see us. We really did have the best job ever.

“Ok yes, exactly but we should probably talk about this after so the makeup stays on our faces?”  
She nodded emphatically and went back to her eyeliner. I lugged myself into the bathroom and leaned on the counter and took a deep breath and blew it out.

I’m ready to paint, the house down boots. whatever that means!


	135. The Infamous Chachki Ass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluffy fluff with a side of fluff?

Danny’s POV  
When I finished my little meltdown, I apologized like 30 times, I don’t like to lose it in front of Jason like that. like on the Starbucks runs in the morning, I would sneak into a bathroom and have a little cry and then splash water on my face and take my time to get to Starbucks and then wait in the actual line. I’d sneak into the bathroom to make sure that my eyes weren’t red. Then I’d tell them the line was really long.

We spent the morning reading to each other and watching TV. Slowly tubes and wires were removed from Vi, which we took as a good sign of our impending freedom from the ICU.  
Sure enough around 3:30, a nurse came in and told us to gather our stuff and someone from the general oncology floor would be down soon, she pushed in a wheelchair.

“I can walk there, it’s not like it’s far!” Vi scoffed.

“Oh I know!” She reassured them. “It’s a really dumb rule but when you get discharged from the ICU, you are basically momentarily being discharged and then readmitted. Hospital rules state that discharged people need to be escorted out, whether discharged from the hospital or just the ICU. It’s really dumb but you don’t want me to lose my job, do you?” She said batting her eyelashes. I had a feeling she was used to stubborn patients.

“Oh alright.” Vi acquiesced with a flip of their wrist and a smile.

“Awesome! It was lovely to meet you but I hope we never see you again, unless you want to visit, of course!” She said with a thumbs up and a cheeky grin. “Someone will be down for you in the next half an hour or so barring any unforeseen events." 

"Ok!”

The nurse left as I gathered up the little odds and ends that had escaped our suitcase. Sweaters, books, a laptop, tablets and phones. Vi was looking down at their blue gown in disgust.

“Do you want something to change into?”

“Fuck yes! I have nothing connected to me anymore so I CAN change.” Vi’s face broke into a grin and they did a giddy little dance in their bed. “Plus I can’t show up on ward like THIS! I have a reputation to uphold!” They joked sarcastically.

“You’re a dork!” I said, laughing and closing the blinds. “I’m helping you in case you are unsteady.” I wasn’t asking for permission, it was not up for debate. I don’t want them to fall since they have been stuck in the bed for a day.

“Yeah! Yeah! You just wanna see my ass!”

“Well yeah…I haven’t seen it lately. Normally it’s on display everyday!” I said with a laugh.  
“True!” they giggled and pulled off the gown off their shoulders and threw their Tshirt over their head. It was heartbreaking how loose their shirt was. They leaned over to put their underwear on and sat up with their eyes closed as if they were dizzy. I closed the gap between us and plucked the undergarment out of their hand. They opened their mouth to protest and I murmured “Don’t” I put their underwear and pants on their ankles and pulled them up to their knees. Then I grabbed their elbow, “C'mon flash me the infamous Chachki ass." 

"With pleasure asshat!” They allowed me to steady them with my face pointed away towards the wall.

“Well you aren’t even LOOKING at my spectacular ass. I feel cheated.” They pouted.

“Oh alright if I have to!” I whined and sighed. I reached around and pinched their perfect ass as they pulled up their pants.

“OW! How ya gonna abuse me while I am in the hospital with cancer?” They stuck out their bottom lip and batted their eyes.

“Like this!” I said, pinching them again and laughing.

“Come here you, so you don’t get in any more trouble and so my ass doesn’t get bruised.” They grabbed me in a bear hug. I sighed into them and smiled into their shoulder. Then I started dancing with them. Humming a tune that I hadn’t put words to yet.

“What are you doing dork?” They giggled out, putting their arms around my neck and their cheek on my shoulder.

“Dancing….d'uh!”

“I know that!” They smacked me on the back of the head, “but why?”

“Now who is getting abused? Because why not?”

I could tell after about 5 minutes that they were getting tired. I was pretty much holding them up with my hands around their waist.

“Let’s sit down for a minute.” I suggested.

“Ok, sounds good." 

We sat on the side of the bed as the door slid open and Matt’s head poked through the door. His face was missing his usual smile. He stepped in.

"Hi, I gotta talk to you both about something.” He said seriously.

Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!


	136. Party City Show Girls

Phi Phi’s POV

I knocked on the bathroom door. “You ready Party City? It’s about time to go. If we are late, Michelle will have a coronary!”

The door opened, “calm your tits tired ass showgirl!” She said with a grin. “You clean up well!”

I laughed, “Thanks! You too!”

“Can you actually believe that even Michelle still thinks we hate each other?! It’s kind of ridiculous. How many times do we have to tell people that we don’t hate each other?”

“Oh speak for yourself! I toooootally hate you!” She said sarcastically, “I hate that you can pull off that lipstick colour.”

“haha You can borrow it but I can’t imagine you in pansy pink lipstick.” I bent over with giggles at the thought.

“We should do a swap!!” Sharon said with her own wheezy high pitched laugh, pointing at her usual black lips. “Let’s go or Michelle may explode and I call not it on cleaning up the mess!”

“Okay, Okay! Calm down Grandpa or you’ have a damn coronary yourself!”

We arrived downstairs to find a washed out Michelle pacing.

“There you are! We’ve been waiting for you two!” She said sharply. Pearl’s arm was draped across her waist and she looked concerned.

I looked at my watch and stuttered out, “But it’s 5 to 9 so we are actually early.”

Michelle grabbed my wrist and looked at my watch and then looked at her phone and exhaled deeply. “Sorry, I’m stressed out and I didn’t mean to take it out on you.”

I put my hand on her arm, “we understand Michelle. Trust me!”

She nodded, it was evident she was swallowing back tears. She kind of shook herself and said “Ok let’s go! There is a 10 seater van waiting for us outside, meet and greet is after the show again. There is no set after party, because it’s at a theater and not at a bar or we will be expected to leave at a certain time. But I’m sure there will be somewhere to hang out. You guys are really good at finding parties.” She said smiling.

We all laughed at that as we filed out to the waiting white huge van. I noticed that Willam was wearing flats. That is never a good sign but I wasn’t going to ask him about it because I’d like to keep my head on my shoulders and not bitten off.

The van ride was interesting, we were all trying to keep up our usual banter but it was a half-assed attempt at best! Hopefully the show was better than our moods at the moment.


	137. Violet in a Violet room

Violet’s POV

shit! shit! Shit! This is it.

The moment where I find out my fate. I’m assuming by Matt being there that it was bad news if the oncologist couldn’t bother to show up herself. Maybe she thought that it would be easier coming from someone I knew a lot more than I knew her?

I looked at Danny and he looked stricken, his eyes were so round that you could see the whites that were tinged red from crying.

“So you have news?” I said to him when I could no longer take the silence. Might as well get it over with. This blasé attitude had me labeled as a bitch but surely it’s better to know than to wait. I swallowed around my dry throat, I was prepared to know if I was going to live or die as anyone could be prepared for such news.

Danny reached out for my hand and intertwined his fingers with mine. I couldn’t tell if his palms were sweaty or mine were.  
Matt’s face broke into a tentative smile. “Oh my God you think I’m here about the test results don’t you? No no what? Nothing like that! I’m sorry I didn’t mean to alarm you!”

I let out of breath I didn’t even know I was holding and I could hear Danny doing the same.

“I do however have some bad news.”

My first thoughts when to Lucy and to Shaindel. “Are Lucy and Shay okay?”

“Yes they’re both just fine,” he smiled. “Missing you of course but not for very much longer as I’ve come to take you back.” Matt said, he was still looking a bit hesitant to tell me something and my mind naturally went into overdrive.

“Matthew, stop beating around the bush, I know there’s something wrong so out with it! Like you said before our people are freakishly intuitive!” I snapped but tempered it with a smile at the end.

“Well… something happened with your insurance.”

My insurance? The first thing that went through my brain was that I would have to spend the money I won on drag race on cancer treatments. Cancer blows in and of itself but to spend money on it that you’ve worked so hard to earn would blow extra.

“What’s happened?” Danny said looking pale and I could tell that the same thoughts were going through his head.

“While it seems that they refused to put you in a private room any longer so you’ll have to go to semiprivate. Which has two beds. At least you won’t need to be on Ward, which has four to six beds in the room so I guess it could be worse?” Matt said with a little shrug and I could tell that he really didn’t want to tell me this information.

The thought of being in a room with a kid with cancer made me groan. Every day, all day I would be reminded even more of Cassie. I thought of her every day, after seeing her in the in-between I have been focusing more on positive memories of her life, rather than regrets of something that I now know I could possibly have never changed.

“I’m sorry love! We are going to try hard to talk your insurance into allowing you to go back to a private room so it might be a temporary situation.” Matt said rather hopefully.

“Okay if I have to!” I said begrudgingly.

“All right let’s go!” Matt said cheerfully, spinning the wheelchair around for me to hop in. Danny stood up with me, holding onto my elbow until I was sitting and then going to get our bags.  
Various nurses waved and said cheerful goodbyes as I was wheeled out of the ICU.  
I never thought I would be glad to see the inside of the regular oncology floor but after the constant beeping of machines in the ICU it seemed much more peaceful.

“Don’t worry about your roommate,” Matt reassured me “she’s pretty cool and I think you will get along. I hope you will get along, but you’re going to have to play nice Vi.” He admonished me and I wondered what kind of nightmare I was about to be thrust into.

I was wheeled into a room where the bed closest to the door was adorned with 1 billion different shades and hues of pink.

“I didn’t know Trixie Mattel is staying in here!” I joked.

This mystery girl was nowhere to be found as I sat in the chair beside my bed which was closest to the giant window. Instead of the soft and buttery sunshine yellow of my old room, this room was a calming lavender color and I grinned. I loved purple almost as much as Trixie Mattel loves pink and Katya loves problematic patterns.

Almost being the operative word.

“Oh she’ll be back in a minute I’m sure! I have to go for a little bit but I’ll be back in half an hour to give you meds.” Matt said cheerfully and waved as he left the room.

I put my head back and closed my eyes and groaned as I imagined what kind of kid that would be sharing a room with me and what kind of kid would be okay with Danny staying there too. Oh my god what if that child had parents that wanted to stay to? I knew it was bad for Danny to be with me night and day but the mere thought of him not being there made my stomach turn.

“Well hello there darling!” Lucy’s familiar country twang, my eyes snapped open to find her leaning on the pink bed.

“YOU ARE MY ROOMMATE?” I exclaimed. I was so relieved that it was someone that I knew! “Wait why are you in here? I thought you had a private room!”

“Are you kidding? Did you really think the state would pay for me to have a private room? I was only in one because there wasn’t anyone who needed one, now there’s someone with the insurance to pay for the private room so you’re stuck with me!” She skirted around my bed and came and gave me a long gentle hug. She turned to Danny and opened her arms up and said “bring in big guy!” to which he chuckled and enveloped to her in a big bear hug.

She sunk down onto my bed and looked at me quizzically, “there’s something different about you isn’t there? How was your test?”

I threw my head back and laughed heartily, “well… I’m not sure I should tell you what happened.” Danny just sat there and grinned.

She looked confused. “What happened?” She said seriously.

“Well I kind of died… but only for a minute and then I came right back!”

“WHAT?!!”

“Like I said it was only for moment, we don’t know what the test results are because something happened with the lab but will be getting them soon.” I said and twisted the hem of my T-shirt.

“Yeah I heard about that. Hopefully it comes soon, I hate the waiting!” She said the scrunching up her face, “sometimes I think it’s the worst part about cancer is the waiting.”

“Tell me about it!” I said and yawned.

“We saw that!” Lucy said with a grin, gathering up her crutches and putting her oxygen backpack on her back. “I gonna be going but I’ll see you later Vi and Danny! Hey I just figured that out! Violet is it a violet room!” She said with a little giggle.

I yawned again and Danny gave me a look.

“Okay okay I’m going!” I said with a chuckle while I scooted from the chair over to the bed.

“It looks like I caught you at a good time,” Matt said, entering the room with the crinkling wrappers that I have come to hate.

“Chemo today? Can’t a girl get a break? Gee you die once around this joint and you STILL don’t get a break?”

Matt laughed, “no rest for the wicked I’m afraid!”

“My reputation precedes me then!” I said in a posh voice and then laughed.

“Would you like your pain and nausea meds first?” He said pulling two syringes out of his scrub’s pocket.

“But of course!” I said in a fake-assed French accent, “appetizers first.” I said pulling a face and holding my line out. Glad they could use it again. I knew with those meds, especially the stronger pain meds, that chances are that I will fall asleep at least for a little bit before the barf-fest commenced.

Within minutes my eyes began to drift closed even as Matt was hooking me up to the chemo. As usual anticipating every move, Danny had gone into the washroom and brought out a Ross bucket. I looked up at him with baby Doe eyes and said, “thank you honey!”  
Danny didn’t say anything, he gave me a lingering kiss on my forehand and sat down in the chair I had recently vacated and held my hand and started to sing as I fell asleep.


	138. Shut the Fuck Up Mice!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to get out more than one chap but I fell asleep a bunch of times while editing. More tomorrow!

Miss Fame’s point of view 

I was supporting Jinkxy to get through the door of our hotel room. It was around 1:30 AM which is relatively early to come back to the hotel but Jinkx had reached the level of a inebriation where they were starting to get emotional. 

They sank down onto their bed, putting their head in their hands. I sat down beside them and put my hand on their back.

“Like I don’t know why this had to happen to them! My heart feels like it’s ripping into 1000 pieces!” One fat tear slipped down their face and then another. I pulled them into me and rubbed their back.

“I know honey! I know! It sucks and I know we’re not equipped to handle this but we have to do our best. We have to try to stay strong for Vi.” By that point they were sobbing and I could feel hot tears escaping my own eyes.

We just sat there hugging each other and crying out our sea of worries, holding on to each other.

Eventually Jinkxy pulled away, their makeup was everywhere and I’m sure mine was as well! They let out a little chuckle and covered their mouth, they were hiccuping so hard that their whole body shuddered with each one.

“How about we get out of our drag? Then we can get some food if you want?” I suggested.

“Can you help me with this damn corset? It’s hard enough to get it on and off when I am sober but when I’m drunk or stoned or BOTH it is virtually impossible!”

“Turn around Hon.” I said and they spun around giggling a few times, their emerald skirt billowing out and each sequin was catching the light and reflecting it like a discoball of colours onto their smeared but beautiful face, before finally turning away from me so I could loosen the ribbons of their corset. They went off to the bathroom to change while I sat down at the desk and pulled out a makeup wipe and started to remove the vestiges of my ruined face.

I could hear Jinkxy humming in the bathroom, some song from Hamilton of course. I reached around behind me and twisted my hand to start to undo the laces and clasps of my own corset. I had been doing this for so long I could pull it off myself, putting it on was another story! I started to peel off my latex skirt, facing the wall. Just in case Jinkxy came out of the washroom. I quickly threw on some boxers and a T-shirt.  
Jinkxy wandered out in boxers and sat down on the side of their bed with a oof. “I can’t figure out how the wholey things work!” Jinkx whined. They tried to put their head through one of the sleeves but it obviously wouldn’t fit and now they were stuck. The outline of their face embossed on the material.

“Here! Here! Stop! Let me help!” I said between fits of the giggles.

I managed to sort them out, we burst out laughing even more when their little amount of hair acted like a Velcro against the cotton shirt. By the time I finished fighting with them and their shirt we were both cackling and holding our stomachs. They were falling asleep even as we were laughing so I tucked them into bed.

“I love you Fame-Wamey!” Jinkx gushed as they held onto my arm. “I mean I really love you so much, this whole thing has taught me not to wait to tell the people you love how you feel and to forgive others because we don’t know. I mean Vi has been near death twice and died once.” Jinkx shuddered a little.

“I’m so glad Vi got another chance to fight. They are so strong and I love you to Jinkxy-poo!” I said and they let it go, “go to sleep now okay?” I trilled like I was talking to a child. They closed their eyes and within mere moments they were snoring softly.

I nibbled on a small bag of trail mix from the mini-bar that I knew was going to cost a small fortune. Sometimes I swear it made them taste better! But I’m weird like that!

Then I laid down in bed, crossing my arms underneath my head and staring up at the ceiling that I know must be there in the darkness. I was thinking about an e-mail I had gotten earlier in the day, obviously the people who sent it had not kept up with what was going on with Violet, about an upcoming fashion week event that had an invitation attached for myself and for them.  
I had to send a very awkward email explaining why Vi would not be there, I hadn’t decided if I wanted to go. I felt like it would be cheating on my fashion wife to go without them. I know was dumb and they know they would yell at me if I didn’t go but I don’t know.

I had so many thoughts running around like mice inside my head all at once. Like there was a line of those little wheel things in my head. It was dizzying. I rolled onto my side, told the mice to shut the fuck up and closed my eyes. I tossed and turned for I don’t know how many minutes or maybe it was hours but finally I was able to fall asleep.


	139. This is it

Danny POV

Jason’s hand went slack as they fell asleep, I kept it in mine. I was reminded of that first time I held their hand. They were so sick on the bus, I wanted to do something, anything. Comfort them in some small way. Now that they were even sicker, holding their delicate hand in mine was so inadequate. 

That small cramped bus, the feelings rising in my throat as I held their hand, something I had been too chicken to do while they were awake. I wanted so bad. I would have done anything to make them well then, taken their place, just like I would do now. Especially now.

Sometimes their arm would flop over the side of their top bunk and I would just stare at it when I couldn’t sleep, willing myself to hold it. Which sounds creepy as fuck if I really think about it now but I would spend hours just looking at the way the early morning light hit it. All it would have taken was for me to grab it, I know it wouldn’t have changed what was happening now but I felt like we were robbed of what could have been. 

Time.

“If Vi got out of here, we are going to make every second count.” I thought and then yelled at myself in my head, grimacing, “NOT if, WHEN!" 

I couldn’t live with the if. 

I tried not to think of the if.  
Walking out of the hospital without them, now I could understand why it took Rosa’s Mom so long to leave. 

GOD! What was wrong with me? I mentally shook myself and stuck my tongue out to catch the salty tears on my cheeks. I wiped them off and pinched my nose and closed my eyes. 

I heard a noise and my eyes snapped open but it was just Lucy, she had a finger up to her lips and the usual twinkle in her eye. She sat and put her crutches and oxygen down almost as if in slow motion so as not to make any noise. She grinned and pulled her signature ginger hair off, threw it on the bedside table and scratched her orange peach fuzz, she had such an intense look of relief on her face and I grinned back. I certainly knew what that feels like! Then she popped off her prosthetic and tossed it on the bottom of her bed.

She sat and pulled the rolly table with some books over to her. She made an exasperated face and I had to stifle a giggle.

She took a big black marker and scribbled for a minute, she held her notebook up and it read,

Schoolwork, don’t I get a free pass? I have cancer! UGH!

 

I clasped my hand over my mouth but not before I let out a HA! I held my breath and bit my lip as I looked at Vi, it was best if they could sleep as much as possible. Not that it avoided the intense side effects of the chemo but at least it was a few moments of peace for them.

Lucy was waving her hands in the air to get my attention, I don’t know how long she sat there resembling a windmill while I studied Jason’s face.   
She mouthed sorry and went back to looking at her books, giving me a look like "I’m gonna do this so I don’t get you in trouble”, picking up her pen and pointing to her book.

Moments later she let out the smallest of sighs, I looked up and she had her notebook out again.  
It read:

CAN I HAVE YOUR CELL NUMBER?  
Text me (123)456-7890  
(put it on silent so we don’t wake them up)

I smiled and pulled out my phone and punched in her number with one hand, the other one still lightly holding Vi’s hand.

Me-Hi!

Lucy- Hi yourself! I hate homework!

Me- me too, well I went to continuation school so there was less but I still hated it! Hopefully you don’t have too much.

Lucy- no it’s just math, I hate math the worst! How are they today?

Me- They were saying they were fine but they were lying

Lucy- How do you know?

Me- They have a tell, a tell is some type of clue that the person is lying

Lucy- oh I know tells too well, it was my mother’s best friend. She always knew when I was lying and breaking the rules and there are a LOT of rules at the FLDS! What’s their tell? Oh wait, I can generally tell when they are lying anyway. 

Me- that sucks that there were so many rules growing up but do you know what that means?

Lucy- No. What?

Me- It means you get to make up for lost time.

Lucy- oh that’s true. :)

“Oh my God! Are you two TEXTING each other?” Jason said in mock outrage. They were looking slightly green but grinning. I passed them the bucket and they hugged it close and closed their eyes for a moment.

“We didn’t want to wake you up.” Lucy said, “And Danny was helping me avoid my homework.”  
“Danny!” Vi scolded “Lucy do your homework! What are you working on?”

Lucy rolled her eyes, “Gee ok ok!! I’m working on Math. Ugh I hate math!”

“Well you are in luck! I happen to be incredibly good at math! I can help you if you get stuck.”  
“OK sounds good! Incoming!”

I was about to say “what?” but Vi started throwing up at that moment, leaning forward in their bed, hovering over the basin. I put their bed upright and rubbed their back gently.

Lucy just looked sad. She was looking in her lap, playing with the hem of her sunflower patterned skirt. I noticed she had a wrinkle in the middle of her forehead from furrowing her brow. Something no 18 year old should have. She looked exhausted, dark purple circles under her eyes. I had never really noticed how incredibly thin she was, her elbows and knees were knobby. I could probably circle her upper arm with my thumb and my index finger.  
“I can feel you looking at me Danny.” Lucy said, looking up. Tears sparkled in her eyes but they didn’t fall. “I can’t help that I’m devastatingly beautiful.” She said with a little grin.

I smiled at her. “I’m just really glad you’re here with us.”

“Me too.” Vi said, resurfacing. I switched out the buckets which was now something that I really didn’t have to think about, it was routine by now.

There was a knock on the open door. Dr Bailey peeked her head in. “Hi guys!" 

Lucy pulled her wig back on, got in her lime green wheelchair, popped her Oxygen backpack on the back and said "I gotta go kick the new guy Frederick’s ass at grand theft auto. Peace out homies!” She flashed the peace sign and rolled out. 

Dr Bailey hopped out of the way, which was good for her because Lucy is a little speed demon. Then Dr Bailey slowly stepped inside the door. I grabbed Vi’s hand and it broke my heart how hard theirs was shaking. She got halfway to Vi’s bed and did a full stop, shuffling a giant pile of papers. She was looking from one paper to another, looking confused. “Um..excuse me for one second, I’ll be right back.” and left again.

“Jesus Christ! If she doesn’t come back with my results, I’m gonna lose my shit. I can’t stand this not knowing!” They said, looking keyed up for a fight. I know that look in their eye. Their face pale with two red spots on their cheeks.

Then it hit me, this is it. I swallowed painfully.

It all comes down to this. 

This. Is. IT.

OH FUCK!


	140. Birds of Prey and Lavender

Michelle’s POV

“Wow.” I said softly, speechless after Pearl telling me her story. Tears were slowly pouring down my face but they were a mixture of joy and sadness. Joy because Pearl is growing so much and sorrow because of everything she had been through. I felt gratitude that she was still here.  
Pearl wasn’t even very intoxicated, which was a pleasant change. She had kept sneaking glances at me all evening, her face showing such animation and concern was baffling me before she told me the whole thing. I saw a change in her in the 3 days we were apart. More human, less “robotic stepford wife” as she calls it.

“I’m so sorry Pearly, that your childhood has been so difficult for you and this situation with Violet being ill has probably dredged up all kinds of emotions as well. I’m so grateful that you can share your feelings with others, it might not always be an easy thing since you are used to keeping everything bottled up. I want you to know even if you can’t share with the whole group, you can always share with me. Baby steps. You got this and I’m so proud of you.” I reached over and pulled her into a hug.

I felt drained and emotionally overloaded, like I was a faulty circuit breaker shooting sparks. I yawned.

“Go to sleep hunny. Thank you for listening.”

“Oh my goodness! Don’t thank me, I need to thank you! Thank you for sharing with me, it really means a lot that you feel you can trust me and the other queens too. I’m so proud and impressed. I’m going to go have a bath before bed. Actually I might need to go down and get something to eat, I’m kinda hungry.”

“How about you go have your bath and I will go find us some food. I will go forage.” she laughed, “it won’t be hard! I swear that there are almost as many restaurants as there are slot machines! Are you in the mood for anything specific?” She said, grabbing her wallet off the bedside table. 

“No literally anything, you know what I can and can’t eat. I can give you money.” I reached for my purse but she shook her head.

“I don’t want your money silly.” She said turning towards the door and she looked back over her shoulder. “No falling asleep in the bath missy!”

I laughed and it felt so good. “Geez you do something ONE time and never hear the end of it!” I said with mock, over dramatic exasperation and a grin.

The door softly closed with a sort of finality.

I was, once again, alone with only my thoughts. It was like a cloud of worry encircled my head.   
I went into the bath and started the water, nice and hot like I liked it and poured in a bit of my favourite bath salts. The room was suddenly engulfed by the sweet smell of lavender. As I immersed myself in the scalding hot water. I inhaled deeply, they say that lavender brings you a feeling of calm and tranquility.

My brain wasn’t buying it tonight though. 

Worries circled me like birds of prey, swooping down every once in awhile to drop another worry onto me.

My daughter had been going through a difficult time with depression that seemed to be getting better but there was no certainty that it would and I hated being away from her during this time. I even seriously considered pulling her out of school and bringing her with me on the road. I would have home-schooled her but she said that she wanted to be a normal teen and that she would miss her friends. Her friends were great so it seemed reasonable for the time.

Then Violet was another matter completely. They were so dangerously thin and so very sick from what I had gleaned through snippets of conversation between the queens. I would have to pull Bianca to the side tomorrow and get the T.

Then Adore, they said she looked perpetually worried and of course that is a natural reaction. She had lost a lot of weight herself. B said she didn’t seem to be sleeping much if at all. Adore could get ill herself if she didn’t take care of herself. It didn’t surprise me that she was doing that though, Adore would do anything for anyone and especially for people she loved or cared about.

Then Pearl, who has done this almost miraculous transformation. I worried she wouldn’t be able to keep it up and would revert to the old, closed off, sullen Pearl but now that we all know, I think it would be harder to do that.

The worries were still ricocheting around my brain with a furious speed as I dried myself off.   
Lavender didn’t help. 

It was time to bring out the big guns.

Yoga and Xanax.


	141. Waiting, Waiting, Dear God Make it Stop

I don’t want to leave you in suspense because I’m feeling generous today.

Violet’s POV

This is it. This is the moment. 

My palms were sweaty and my stomach churned with anxiety. I knew it wasn’t the chemo, I am familiar with the difference. I let go of Danny’s hand for a moment to wipe my hands on the sheet and he wiped his on his jeans. He wasn’t just pale but a pale shade of green. His eyes were wide as saucers and his nostrils flared as he greedily sucked in large gulps of air, like he couldn’t get enough.

I cleared my throat, mouth dry and grabbed Danny’s hand again in mine. 

“I love you so much, no matter what the results are. I swear,” my throat felt like it was constricting but I kept going “I am going to fight as hard and for as long as I possibly can. I promise you that.”

His chin trembled, “I love you too, I love you so much it scares me sometimes. I will be with you every moment, whatever the results show.”

“C..Can” I stuttered and then stopped because it was kind of embarrassing. 

“Can what?”

“No, it’s nothing. It’s dumb.”  
“Vi,” he said, giving my hand a little squeeze. “Try me.”

“C..c..can we pray?”

“Pray?” He said, looking slightly perplexed.

“See! I told you it was stupid!”

“No it’s not, I just don’t know the words to use." 

"We don’t have to say anything out-loud if that’s easier.” I suggested.  
He smiled a little and sat on the side of the bed to grab both of my hands “Ok."   
We bowed our heads. I felt like energy was flowing between us.   
My prayer was.  
"Please God, don’t let me die. Please God, don’t let me die. Please God, don’t let me die. and if I do please take care of my Danny for me. Tell Cassie that I love her.”  
I don’t know how long I was praying but when I looked up, Danny was staring right at me.   
“Thanks.” I said softly.

“Anytime. Prayer is not a stupid idea, I do it all the time but it’s like in passing not actually stopping the world for a minute just to pray, it was nice. I feel a tiny bit calmer." 

"Good. I’m glad.” I said with a queasy smile. Why did I feel more anxious than before?

Dr Bailey knocked on the door again and stepped in, Danny sat back in the chair, never letting go of my left hand for a second. I took a deep breath in and blew it out. 

Now was the time of reckoning. 

Judgment day is here. 

Almost a month in this hospital, dying, being in a coma, having medical shit implanted in my chest, the chemo, the pain and the barfing all culminated into this one moment. This one test and I was ready. Or so I thought.

She pulled over the chair next to Lucy’s bed and sat down with a sigh. 

What the fuck did that mean? My overactive mind screamed at me. Is she sighing because she’s tired or because the results are bad or what?

She seemed lost in thought for a moment.

“Can you please just tell us? I can’t wait any longer!"I blurted out frustrated with the waiting. Then a thought went through my head "Jason. Your whole life is about waiting right now!”

“Oh yes, I’m sorry to keep you waiting. There have just been some emergencies that have me a little flustered. The test results,” I felt Danny squeezing my hand almost painfully, “are pretty good. Your blasts are down to 10% from 30% which is great!”

She paused and Danny’s grip on my hand loosened a bit, he let out a relieved sigh and beamed at me. I let out my own gust of breath and a small smile spread on my face.

“But 10% is still too much so what is the plan?” I said bluntly.

“Well the plan is for you to do the full 6 weeks here so 2 more weeks here and then 2 weeks of oral chemotherapy at home and then we will do another bone marrow aspiration but we obviously won’t be putting you under twilight sedation of course.

"It’s ok, I’m not afraid to sleep anymore.” I grinned wildly. “The nightmares are gone.”

“Well that’s great! It makes sense, the leukemia caused the nightmares and now that we’re treating you, they are gone.”

I shared a conspiratorial look with Danny, “Yep, that must be it! Makes sense!”

“Ok, perfect. You should both go to group tomorrow if at all possible. How is your pain? Do you feel like it’s being managed well?”

I nodded, “yep it’s good, maybe in a few days we can lower the dose?” I said hopefully, I didn’t like how the bigger doses made me fuzzy and usually fall asleep.

“We’ll see ok? I know you don’t like the side effects but it’s ok to fall asleep, your body needs sleep to repair itself properly. We can try in a day or two though.”

I nodded, satisfied that it was maybe at least an option. I knew I couldn’t go without it right now, my chest still burned whenever I moved but soon hopefully.

“Any questions?”

“None that I can think of right now but with chemo fog, I probably forgot! I’ll write them down if I have any.”

“Sounds great! Remember to eat please. You could do with some sleep and food too Danny.” She gave him a stern, warning type look and he solemnly nodded.

“I will check in with you later. Have Matt page me if you need anything or have any questions. Bye!” She waved dorkily and marched out.

Before I know what’s happening, I am engulfed by Danny. He’s crying and laughing and hugging the crap out of me. I reach my arms around him. I feel my own little bubble of laughter escape my lips.

“Sorry I couldn’t hold it in anymore.” He said, pulling away from me just enough so I could see his madly grinning face. He was smiling so hard, he looked like his face could crack. It was contagious because I was soon doing it too.

Then we were kissing with a fierce abandon, our mouths coming together so hard, it made our teeth clack together. Slowly drinking in the taste and smell and feel of him. 

He pulled away after a few minutes, looking concerned. “Are you ok?”

I was confused, “Yeah, why?”

“Jason, you’re crying.”

I felt my face and it was wet and when I looked down there was a growing mark on my shirt from where my tears had dropped off of my chin. It was unbelievable to me that Danny could kiss me until I didn’t know I was even crying. He cupped my face in his hands and wiped my tears away with his thumbs. When he was done, he didn’t let my face go, he just held it softly and stared into my eyes.

“You are gonna be ok Jason! You are going to be ok!”

And then we both completely fell apart, holding onto each other so tight it felt like we were hoping to meld into one person. I don’t know what was running through his head but I was feeling a mixture of relief that I was going to be ok, grief that Cassie never got to hear that, the letting go of the huge amounts of stress that this last clusterfuck of a week has been and how relieved I am that Danny didn’t have to go through such a loss as I did.

There was a noise at the door, Lucy sat there in her chair and a tall skinny young man with a little grin behind her. She stopped, he whispered something in her ear and left quickly. She rolled up to my bed, tears glinting in her eyes, she put one small cold hand on mine and just sat there with us. 

“Sorry Lucy.” I said when I caught my breath, “it’s good news! My blast count is way lower!” She grinned and I went serious, “I do have some bad news though.”

She was leaning forward in her chair, waiting for me to tell her.

“I’m afraid you are stuck with me for 2 more weeks.”

“Aw yay!” she clapped her hands together and used the bar on the bed to stand up and tackle Danny and I in a giant hug.

I smiled into Lucy’s red hair and marveled again that I was going to be ok.   
Fuck you blasts! Take THAT!


	142. I Don't Mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another cute AF Katlaska Chapter

Katya’s POV

I woke up to a heaviness on my chest. At first I thought the blankets were caught around me and went to kick them off but something in my brain stopped me and I was so glad. 

I opened my eyes to see Justin sprawled next to me, mouth wide open, his arm splayed across my chest and his leg over one of mine. His face was so close to my arm that I could feel the warmth of his breath. I had about 2 inches left of the bed on my side, Justin was against me and then there was a large expanse of white past him.

It was so strange to me still, us being an US. I can’t believe everyone clued in before I did. 

How could I be so blind? 

How could I be so lucky? 

‘Lasky and I clicked as soon as we met and had been good friends ever since. Aside from Trixie, or as I liked to call him 'the other Brian’, Alaska was my best friend. It wasn’t just because we were both sober, it was because we were both crazy as fuck, had the same sense of humour.

I studied his angular face, relaxed but his mouth was perpetually turned up at the corners. The white sheets were so bright against his tanned muscular chest.

His brown eyes fluttered open and found my face. He smiled and rubbed his eyes and then moved this leg off mine but kept his arm across my chest and moved his head onto my shoulder. 

“Hey,” he said sleepily. “Sorry for pinning you in.”

“I don’t mind.” I said with a grin. I kissed his cheek. “How did you sleep?”

“Pretty good. I’m surprised I didn’t push you out of the bed, I’m a starfish when we’re not on the bus.” He laughed.

“I noticed!” I chuckled, looking at my side of the bed.

He sprang away, “Oh shit, I’m sorry!”

I pulled him back over and he settled his head on my chest, “oh stop! I don’t mind.”

“You already said that." 

"I don’t mind that I said it again.” I said with a scream laugh.

He twisted his finger in his ear, “Ok now I can’t hear!”

“I don’t mind!” I whispered and then licked his ear."  
He squirmed away and wiped at his ear. “You’re disgusting.”

“I don’t mind.” I said and smiled a big fake smile and then made my face serious, “Ok I’m done, I got that out of my system.”

He turned his face back to me and grinned evilly, “I don’t mind." 

"Hey that’s my thing.” I said, pouting.

“Oh ok, geez! Touchy, touchy!” He said with his signature laugh. 

My phone’s alarm went off and I picked it up to shut it off. Jinkxy had sent a group text.

Jinkx - You guys still up for Cirque du Soliel today?  
Miss Fame - Totally  
Phi Phi - I’ll be there!  
Bianca - I’m out babe.  
Willam - I’m out too Gingy!  
(Willam’s nickname for Jinkxy had become confusing when Jinkxy, Willam and Ginger were together because most of us call her Gingy but Will remains adament about his nickname for them)  
Jinkx - Ok guys, no worries.  
Pearl - Yeah I told you last night I probably wouldn’t go. Michelle and I are just gonna chill, maybe do some shopping.  
Sharon - Count me in.  
Willam - Are you feeling ok Sharon? There might be clowns.  
Sharon - Fuck off! For the LAST time, I’m NOT afraid of clowns!

“Jinkxy is asking if we still wanna go to Cirque. What do you think?”

“Ooh!” He squealed, looking up from his own phone. “That would be awesome!” He picked up his phone so he could read the texts too.

“I’ll text them back.”

Katya - Alaska and I are in!  
Alaska - Sharon you are full of bullshit…er…I mean Sharon is TOTALLY not afraid of clowns ;P Can’t wait Jinkxy!  
Jinkxy - Ok everyone meet in the lobby at 12:30! Coco Montrese and my friend Derrick Berry are coming too, they are getting the tickets. Derrick knows a guy.  
Miss Fame - See ya then Jinkxy! Lol!  
Jinkx - Fame, you nerd, I’m like 2 feet away from you! LOL  
Willam - You’re BOTH nerds! Going back to sleep now! Bye bitches.

My stomach growled.

Justin looked at me, “Breakfast? I could eat a horse. OR a chocolate croissant or 5 from the bakery.”

“Oh sounds good but that requires me getting out of bed and showering. Wah!” I said, flopping back and kicking my legs around. 

“How about I go shower first and then you can see if you are up to it or if I need to go bring some goodies up to the room. Deal?”

“You’re the best!” I said, rolling over and on top of him, tackling him with a hug. 

“Eeeewwww!” He did his best Madame La Queer impersonation and we both dissolved into giggles. “I hate to break the moment but my bladder is about to explode.”

“Oh that’s hot.” I said in my best Paris Hilton voice and rolled off laughing.

“That’s just who I is!” He said, pretend brushing his shoulder off and jumped up, searching around in his drawer for clothes and his bathroom bag and humming some tune I didn’t know yet. I’m sure it was some crazy new song he was coming up with that was going to sell a bunch of albums. 

Justin was always humming something. When him and Adore were together, one would start humming and the other would jump in. I don’t even know how many songs that have been written that haven’t seen the light of day. Well…yet anyway.

I dragged myself out of bed and looked out the window. The morning view was just as beautiful as the evening and night ones were. 

I sat down on the floor and centered myself, pulling my body into different yoga positions almost without thought. That was the point of yoga, to not get caught up in thinking. To be peaceful.

Well that was what I was trying to do. I do admit that I’ve been much less anxious since Drag Race, but I still have a lot of work to do. 

I still love the irony of a yoga teacher with the wildly rampaging anxiety problem.

I worried about this relationship with Justin crashing and burning, about Vi dying, about Adore getting sick from not looking after herself, about whether I could stay clean, if I would disappoint my fans who were so amazing to me.

I blew a breath out of my nose like a bull and re-centered myself, envisioning all of my thoughts being bulldozed down. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply.

When I opened my eyes, Justin was sitting cross-legged facing me. I jumped.

“Sorry!” He threw his hands out, “I didn’t mean to scare you. You just looked so peaceful. I just…” He hesitated.

“Just what?”

“I just like looking at you in general but that was…your face was…well evidently indescribable.” He said with a laugh as he reached over and pulled my hand into both of his. “Could you teach me some of that? I mean I don’t want to be able to stand on my head or anything like that…well yet.”

“I can teach you, sure. I mean I was an instructor for a long time! It’ll be fun!”

He smiled and nodded, “sounds great!” His stomach rumbled and he put a hand over it. 

“I’ll teach you after we feed the zoo. I’ll go shower.” I jumped up and plucked some clothes from my suitcase, which looks like a cyclone had gone through it. I sometimes wondered if Justin’s way of doing things was better but drag is never tidy, even with Justin.

I closed the bathroom door to Justin softly humming again.


	143. A Pixie in a Purple Chair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This Chapter is dedicated to my best friend, encourager and sister Sidi. I channeled your high school you with a lil modern day you flare.
> 
> The description of the main hall of the hospital is modeled after the atrium of Toronto’s Hospital for Sick Children (also called Sick Kids) that I went to for all of my childhood, although sadly this atrium was built when I was a teenager so I didn’t get to enjoy it much.

Bonnie’s POV

I pulled my usual bag out of the car, slung it over my shoulder and slammed the car door. I didn’t know what I was going into today. I hadn’t been able to get a hold of Danny or Vi on their phones so I was going in blind.

I stopped at the information desk where I was greeted with a smile from a younger girl than usual. She was tiny, almost pixie-ish with her long thick, glossy ropes of brown hair, braided into two thick french braids and deep brown eyes. She had a dark purple sparkly power wheelchair and one of the most beautiful smiles.

“Hi, welcome to Glendora Children’s hospital! My name is Obsidian. How can I help you?” Her voice was high, childlike and had a musical tone to it.

“Wow Obsidian! That’s a beautiful name.”

She laughed, “well that is what I get for being the daughter of pagan hippies!”

“That’ll do it!” I laughed, “Hi I’m Bonnie.” I reached out and shook hands with her. 

“Hi Bonnie. What can I help you with? Are you visiting a sick child or looking for staff?”

“Well I’m looking for my son’s boyfriend Jason Dardo. They were in the ICU yesterday and I couldn’t get a hold of either one of them today so I don’t know if they were moved back to the regular oncology ward or if they are still there.”

She wheeled over to the computer “is that D..A..R..D..O?”

“Yes exactly!”

“They are on the regular oncology floor in the young adult’s wing, room 515.”

“Thank you so much Obsidian!!” I looked up and around the atrium. There were fake birds soaring on wires and a pink cartoon-like elephant in a tutu on a unicycle over a tightrope. Everywhere you looked, there were whimsical little touches that must have been meticulously planned. 

It was always busy, everywhere you could see parents with children in wagons or strollers or wheelchairs, attached to IV poles, feeding tubes and other wires but most still smiling and happy. There was a ring of different restaurants on the outside and a indoor play area in the middle of the circular atrium, with all sorts of different play equipment.

“It’s beautiful isn’t it?”

“Yeah. I don’t think I’ve ever really looked at all the details before.”

“It’s been one of my favourite places in this hospital since I was 2.”

“So you have been coming here for many years then! It’s a good place?”

“I came here until I was 20. It’s a great place and I’m happy that my husband Jake got stationed closeby so I could work here!”

“Ah are you a military wife? You look too young to be someone’s wife!”

Her youthful face grinned. “I know, I look about 12 but I’m 33.”

“I wouldn’t say 12, maybe 14!” I joked and she threw her head back and laughed.

“I’ll take that! Go visit your son’s boyfriend and tell them I hope they feel better.”

I gave her a confused look, how did she know the pronouns?

“You look like you are wondering how I knew that I should use the gender neutral pronoun?”

“Yeah but now I’m wondering how you knew what I was wondering too.” I joked.

“We don’t have much information of the patients, just their name, floor and room number but we also have a special notes section where they can add something like a pronoun preference or an allergy in the case of people bringing in things from the outside. We make a conscientious effort to be LGBTQAPI+ friendly here.”

“That’s amazing! Maybe once things are better with Jason, I can volunteer here.”

“Well I know that our volunteer department always welcomes newcomers!”

“Ok great! Thanks so much for your help Obsidian!”

“You’re welcome Bonnie. Have a great day!”

I waved and my feet carried me to the elevator and up the elevator. I passed by the nurses station and looked for Matt but he was nowhere to be seen. I peeked into Vi’s new room and was surprised to see 2 beds. One was covered in pink and then there was Vi’s. The white and blue sheets of the hospital and I felt a bit guilty that I hadn’t noticed and brought them in some type of homey blanket. 

Maybe something Violet. I put it on my mental to do list to bring them in some type of blanket or pillow from home with actual colour in it. They were nowhere to be found and I felt like a knife had been twisted in my stomach. I’m sure they are alright. They wouldn’t be up here yet if they weren’t. Right??

I sat on the little love seat and pulled out my ipad and started reading. I would wait for a few more minutes before I started to panic.

I’m sure they were fine.

Right?


	144. Cargobobs and OJ

Violet’s POV

“I HATE YOU LUCY!” I exclaimed angrily and laughed.

“Well I had to kill you Vi. It was my job. Frederick is trying to chase down Danny. Be careful Danny, he’s coming for you.”

I looked up at the big screen and held the controller so hard my knuckles were white. As soon as I rebooted into the GTA city I smiled evilly.

“I’m coming to save my Danny so watch out you two.” I sing-songed and laughed maniacally and stole a cargobob and headed towards where Danny’s little dot was on the map. 

“I don’t know if you’ll get there in time Vi Jason!” Frederick said with a little grin. When we explained that Danny and I were entertainers and had other names, he decided to call us both. He was a sweet kid and I liked the way Lucy blushed when she was around him. Lucy was easy to laugh usually but her bubbly giggle was even more prevalent around him.

I picked up the hummer Danny was driving in just as Lucy and Frederick were coming around different corners to trap him. Danny pulled out a bazooka and nuked them both and then we cheered.

“My knight in shining armour and sparkly lipstick!” Danny exclaimed, holding his hands together and batting his eyes at me, looking besotted.

Danny and I high-fived like dorks and grinned.

We had been playing for about an hour, as soon as I was disconnected from chemo, we headed over to the game room. 

It wasn’t as depressing as I thought it would be from my split second glance in here when I was admitted.

It was a huge room with 2 big TVs and game systems with large lounge chairs around them. The room had been thought out so well that we couldn’t even hear the other group who were watching a movie at the other TV. They were watching the Bee Movie.

Lucy introduced them to me as Abi, Madds, Maddie, Hana, James and Tami. They were all dressed in casual clothes, the only way you could decipher who was a patient and who was a visitor was by the slim white bracelet all the patients wore like a brand. The smell of popcorn still lingered in the air.

There was a table where a girl about 10 years old was making a craft of some sort. Next to the craft table there was a set of drawers with different age groups. Lucy showed me when we first came in, before Frederick arrived, that there were prepackaged craft kits. There were puzzles and boardgames, even surprisingly a deck of cards against humanity since this wing was mostly young adults. There was a group in the corner playing a very intense looking game of monopoly. A nurse flitted around the group that was also surrounded with the regular trappings of hospital life like IV poles, wheelchairs and feeding lines but they were all smiling and laughing.

“Another game?” Lucy inquired eagerly as I yawned at the same time. “Nevermind, I take that back. Go rest a bit Vi. I’ll be there in a little bit, my tank is gonna run out soon. Maybe get some food before you sleep? It’s around 7 and you haven’t eaten yet today.”

“Yes mother!” I teased as Danny came and pulled me up out of the low chair.

“Bye Frederick!” Danny said, threading his arm around my waist to steady me without even thinking about it.

“Bye Adanny and Vi Jason!” he said cheerfully, “this was fun, I’d love to play with you again sometime!" 

"Sounds awesome! Thanks for dragging me out of our room Luce.” I said, putting a hand on her shoulder. 

She patted my hand and looked up at me, “Anytime hun, hopefully I won’t have to kill you next time we are in here.” She twanged with a chuckle.

“Hopefully not. We’ll play let’s gang up on the boys next time. Well I’ll play for the girls side.”

“Heck yeah!! but seriously, fuck the binary!”

“Amen sista!” I said, chuckling and Danny and I left. We took our time walking back. I was walking slowly, the feeling of exhaustion creaping up on me qwas almost crippling.

“Do you want help? What can I do?” Danny said with a look of alarm.

“We’re almost there. I think I just need to eat.” I felt the familiar flushed feeling, the feeling of your body being made of lead, my heart was going a mile a minute, my shirt was suddenly drenched with sweat and I was dizzy. All the things I used to feel when I was starving myself as a teenager. Something I had thankfully gotten help with, a lot of it had to do with grieving, punishment and control. Normally I was good with food now but I would be lying if I said it wasn’t difficult to make myself eat when I wasn’t feeling well. It was like an exercise in futility since it mostly would stay down. 

I tripped and Danny steadied me. Almost there. Sparks of light flitted across my vision and I blinked a few times

“Matt?” Danny said loudly as we turned into the room. Bonnie was curled up on the love-seat, asleep with her ipad beside her.

Danny scooped me onto the bed as Matt bustled in, immediately looking concerned. “What’s wrong? What do you need?”

“What’s going on?” Bonnie said, looking sleepy and concerned.

My vision was wavering, “need juice. Sugar low.” It was so hard to put words together, let alone sentences.

“Ok Danny you run to the kitchen and get some juice and I’ll go get the meter. Bonnie you stay with Vi.” By the time he had got that out, Danny and Matt were both gone and Bonnie was rushing over. 

“It’s gonna be ok love, the boys will be right back, just hold on Vi. I have sandwiches but we gotta get some juice in you first, I don’t want you to choke. They will be right back." 

Matt rushed back in and threw an Iv bag on Lucy’s bed and pricked my finger. Danny was speeding in with juice as Matt read the results.

” it’s 35. Get them the juice Danny,“ Matt said as he fumbled with getting the IV line out of his pocket.   
Danny pulled open the orange juice and held a straw up to my lips. I slurped it down in 10 seconds and Danny pulled another one out of his hoodie and I sucked that one back too. I was becoming aware of my body as things came back into focus again.

Matt pricked my finger again and breathed a sigh of relief. "And we are back in the green zone, low but out of danger. How you feeling? You need to eat something.”

“I have sandwiches.” Bonnie suggested.

“Oooh gimme!” I said with a weak grin. “Sorry for scaring you all.”

“It’s not like you did it on purpose silly. You eat something and let that glucose drip go and I’ll be back with your meds. Call me if you need anything.”

“Ok! Thanks Matt.”

Bonnie had put out an array of the usual sandwiches on the little rolling table. There was a bowl of green salad and she had even brought little plastic picnic plates and forks.

“It’s a feast!” Danny said, giving his Mom a hug and passing me a plate with a bit of everything. “Eat you!”

I picked up a PBandB and dug in, accepting a third orange juice that Danny pulled out of the other side of his hoodie.

“Thanks Bonnie. These are great as usual.”

“You’re welcome dear. I was worried when I got here and you weren’t here so I thought I would read for a few and then investigate. I didn’t mean to fall asleep. Where were you guys?”

Danny and I looked at each other and burst out laughing. "oh, kicking Lucy and her friend’s ass.“ I said with a laugh.

"What?” Bonnie said, looking confused.

“Video games Mother, video games.” Danny said with a snort.

“Oh ok. There are video games here?”

“Yeah there is a whole games and crafts room.” I said.

“Wait a minute….” Bonnie said with a confused look but covering a smile. “You mean, you AREN’T a prisoner of your room?!” She said with mock surprise.

Danny and I laughed.

“Yeah, I decided that I shouldn’t mope anymore and that doing other stuff would be a good thing. I saved Danny today actually.”

“Yes you did!” Danny said with a giggle, slinging an arm over my shoulder. “My hero!”

“So you have a room mate too? That’s new. Looks like Trixie Mattel threw up in here!”

I laughed, “That’s what I said too! There was a mix up with insurance so a private room wouldn’t be covered at the moment. They are working to fix it but I honestly don’t think I want a private. My roommate is Lucy!”

“Did someone call my name? Y'all should know that I’m like Beetlejuice, say my name and I appear.” She said with a laugh. She laid back on her bed and reached around and turned on the oxygen on the wall, switching nasal cannulas. Her fingertips and around her mouth were blue. I sat up in alarm and was just picking up the call button to get help when Lucy said, “Hold off V. I’m ok, I just ran out of juice. I’m ok. Are YOU ok?” She said looking up at my Glucose IV.

“Yeah I’m ok, my blood sugar went really low but I’m ok now.”

“Oh good. Eat more you!”

“Hey do you want some sandwiches Lucy?” Bonnie asked.

“Yes please.”

About half an hour later, I yawned. It was only 8:30 but I was beyond exhausted.

“Well I think I should finish this homework.” Lucy said loudly, pulling out her books and her earbuds, “I promise if I get stuck, I’ll ask you for help. In the MORNING!”

“Mmm…kay.” I said, yawning again and handing Danny my plate while Bonnie cleared out the few sandwiches there were left. I felt kinda pathetic that I was so tired this early but I was fighting with myself internally. Telling my inner critic that I wasn’t weak for being tired, for not “pushing through it” like I normally did with EVERYTHING.

Bonnie came over and pulled the blanket up to my chest and leaned over and kissed my forehead. “Goodnight dear.”

“Goodnight Bonnie. Thanks for the sandwiches and well everything.” I could feel my eyes drooping already as I laid there in the warm bed.

“Anytime lovely.”

Danny came up and kissed my forehead too. “I’m gonna walk Mom out ok babe?”

“Sure.” Danny didn’t usually walk his Mom out but maybe he did, sometimes I was asleep before she left.

Danny hefted up Bonnie’s bag and they were off. 

“Goodnight Lucy." 

She pulled an earbud out of her ear. "Goodnight roomie, sleep well Vi.”

I rolled over towards the window and was out like a light.


	145. Long Walks and Clowns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a security check, Dr Prof Marcus, you haven't posted/commented in a while so I wanted to see if you are ok. Please lemme know if you're ok.

Sharon’s POV

“Ok thanks hun. Bye.” I hung up on my friend Chad and got ready to go to the show. Chad is a friend but I want him to be more. I don’t think he is at all interested in me. It bummed me out but it is what it is! I pulled my wallet off the table and got ready to go. God I hope there aren’t any clowns!

Jinkxy was pretty much bouncing with excitement when we met in the lobby. The smile on the ginger haired queen was contagious and pretty soon I was infected with their excitement too.

Alaska ran to hug Coco as soon as she saw her.

“It’s so good to see you!” Alaska drawled excitedly.

Coco squealed and held her season five sister tightly.

A young gentleman with brown hair approached the group a little shyly. Jinkxy jumped up and down in glee when they saw him. In true Jinkxy fashion, they pulled him into a tight bear hug and jumped up and down with him still caught in a bear hug.  
“Everybody I’d like you to meet my friend Derrick. I know some of you guys have met him before. Like Coco, he has a show too. He one of the best Britney Spears impersonators. I’m hoping that some day he will be on drag race too!”

Derek smiled, “hi everybody, it’s nice to meet you all! Thank you Jinkxy for always thinking of me when you guys come into town! Is everyone here?”

“Yep we’re all here!” Katya said, shoving the rest of her Chocolate croissant inside her mouth and giving everyone a Chocolatey smile.

“I have the tickets,” Derrick said flashing a handful of tickets. “We have to walk there.” He said with a little grin. I would bet money that there was something behind that grin.

We filed out of the hotel sparing a moment to look up and take in the expanse of the Eiffel Tower in front of the hotel.

“I love coming here, this is one of my favorite hotels!” Phi Phi said.

“I prefer the hotel that overlooks the real Eiffel Tower but this is better because you don’t have the smell that there was in the hotel in Paris!” Katya said wrinkling her nose.

“True dat!” I said, remembering all too well the stench that permeated our hotel room.

We were all walking slowly and taking in all of the sights that Las Vegas had to offer. We walked to the casino next door and stopped.

“Well I never said it was a long walk and we’re here!” Derrick said with a little laugh.

“I don’t know, it might be too far for me to walk back. I might need someone to carry me pozhaluysta! (please)” Katya said to with a overdramatic swoon and into Alaska’s arms.

“KATYA WE DON’T SPEAK RUSSIAN!” Everyone said.

“Woah talk about in stereo!” Derrick chuckled, shaking his head.

“Yeah it’s kind of a thing that we do when the Russian bisexual transvestite hooker decides to speak in Russian.” I said with a shrug and a grin.

I couldn’t be sure but I thought Katya whispered “Buzzkills”.

We went into the hotel and found the theater. We filed into our excellent seats and I was between Jinkx and Alaska.  
Katya was on the other side of Alaska and the two were holding hands. I don’t begrudge Alaska happiness at all but today I was feeling like it was a bit more difficult for me to handle. To say I missed Alaska would be one of the biggest understatements ever. I knew that we could no longer be together, it just wasn’t healthy for either of us and it would be difficult for her now with her being sober and me obviously not being sober but it still made me sad sometimes. Katya better treat her right or there’s going to be hell to pay.

Alaska noticed I was staring at her and Katya’s intertwined hands, I smiled and looked away. On the other side Jinkx was practically vibrating with excitement and it made me smile. They were animatedly talking to Derrick on the other side of them. Jinkx was such an amazing person, the way they could emanate joy or happiness and make others feel that too was so inspiring. If you looked up good person in the dictionary, I am certain that you would find Jinkxy’s picture. The way that they used their platform to educate people that it was okay to be outside of the gender binary. To encourage people to fuck the binary and be whoever they were.

The lights started to dim and I secretly hoped there wouldn’t be any clowns. I really didn’t like clowns… well except for Bianca Del Rio. She was alright, I guess!

Jinkxy grabbed my hand and bounced in their seat and whispered “I’m really glad that you came Sharon! I hope there aren’t any clowns!” They laughed.

“For the last time, I’m not afraid of clowns!” i said in an agrieved whisper and then I leaned into them and whispered in their ear “well not that afraid! But shush!”

They grinned “your secret is safe with me!” They mimicked zipping their lips shut, locking it and putting a fake key into my hand.

“You’re such a dork Jinkxy! Now let’s watch this damn show!”


	146. Not a chapter, just FYI

So some of you might not know that I don't work because of my health and disabilities but I'm going to be volunteering for the next two days in a row so I can't promise that there will be chapters posted but by Friday night I should get a few up for you beloved guys and gals and Enby friends. I might surprise you with one tomorrow but I can't guarantee it and I didn't want you guys to think I was dead in a ditch somewhere.

But I got my outfit planned and I will be business executive secretary fish! Still planning to wear my usual insanely bright eyeshadow.

I'll try to remember to snap a pic and put it on my Twitter @RemenyWrites

Love and pickles!  
Remény


	147. Backs and Baths

Bianca Del Rio’s point of view

Willam was softly snoring and I was glad for it, not only because then he would be quiet, but also because I knew his back was hurting him again even though he would never say so unless it was incapacitating him.

I had showered, dressed and was now munching on the corner of a pastry that I had gotten in the bakery in the lobby. Of course it was a chocolate pastry because chocolate is my kryptonite. I had grabbed a variety of sweet buns and pastries and some fruit salad for whenever Willam woke up. If he wanted something other than that, well he could just go get it himself.

Besides Danny, Willam was one of my best friends and favorite people. We just got each other, he always made sure to call me Roy when I was out of drag. Not that it’s that big of a deal anymore but I still preferred being addressed by my boy name when I am out of drag. I don’t know, it was just a weird little thing with me. I used to think that when I’m a boy if someone approaches me calling me Bianca it just seemed like it was a little awkward. Now that people recognize me on the street, I’m a bit more lax about it.

I flipped through the channels without really seeing them. I don’t even know why I was trying to find something to watch since my brain was very obviously not going to be satiated by some vapid television show.  
Then I tried to pick up the book I bought in the lobby since I finished my last one but I couldn’t concentrate on that either. They only thoughts running through my head was Danny and Vi.

Danny had texted me to get the gang together before the bus left Vegas tomorrow so that they could facetime us and tell us the results of Violet’s recent test. I tried to get him to tell me over the phone but he said it wasn’t his news to tell me. Which made me think that it was probably bad news if he didn’t want to share it with me and felt like it was Violet’s decision to tell us.

I could hope for the best but I was preparing my heart for the worst. I had already figured out a way that I could get out of my gigs to support Danny if anything should happen to Violet. The question on my brain was how long could I stay with Danny. Maybe it would be good to work out a plan with the other girls to take turns supporting Danny. Yeah that might work. I would want to be there for as long as possible though since Danny is one of my favorite people in the world. I seriously love that kid!

“Stop thinking so loudly Roy.” Willam whined, his head surfacing from his vast nest of white linens on his bed. His blonde hair was in every direction possible.

“Sorry I can’t help it, just thinking about Violet and Danny. Nice hair by the way!”

“I woke up like dis.”  
He still made no attempt to sit up, confirming my suspicions. “How bad is it? Out of 10?”

“Fuck you, I hate that you know when my back is acting up.”

“Sorry not sorry Will. What do you need?”

“Meds, they’re in my bag, a drink, do we have any food in the mini fridge? I have to eat with the meds and I’m starving.”

“I bought some pastries and stuff.”

“Could you give me a hand to sit up B?” He asked awkwardly, his face going beet red.

“Yep.” He let out a few grunts as I helped him sit up and I rushed around and got what he needed and then handed him the remote. He flipped through the channels of the TV while he stuffed half of a cherry danish in his mouth. “Whatchu ‘anna do today?” Willam said around a full mouth.

“You’re disgusting!” I said with a laugh. “I don’t know. Gambling is boring after you’ve been in Vegas a few billion times.”

“Shopping? There are some pretty good weave shops in Vegas. You interested?”

“Providing we wait until your meds kick in and that you can move old man, I’m in.”

“Fuck you!” He said, trying to throw a pillow at me but hissed in pain and let out a stream of expletives.

“When are you going to get your back fixed Will?” I grew serious, “I know you don’t want to take time off but living in pain like this is worse than having to take 6 or so weeks off. Is there something they can do surgically?”

“Yeah but they could damage my spinal cord B. It’s risky.”

“I know and it’s ok to be scared about that. Even if they fucked it up, you could still do drag. Like that queen in Boston, oh God what’s her name again?”

“Sarah Plegic?”

“Yeah! She’s awesome. There are so many good surgeons in LA that I’m sure you or WE could find one with a very high success rate. I just hate seeing you suffer.”

“I know and for the record I’m not too keen on the suffering part myself. Good pastries.” He said shoving part of a croissant in his mouth and picking up the remote.

That meant he was done talking about it. Message received.

“I’m gonna go have a bath. Holler if you need anything.”

“Ok, happy thinking.”

I gave him a look, hating that he knew my secrets as well and went into the bathroom, sighing as I softly shut the door. I turned on the water and put the plug in and started filling the tub. The thing is, I wasn’t going to actually HAVE a bath right now, I turned the water off and sat on the floor, folding my legs up and resting my forehead on my knees.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HURRICANE BIANCA IS ON CANADIAN AND AMERICAN NETFLIX in case you didn't know. I've watched it way too many and totally not enough times.


	148. Farewells and Falling Apart

Alaska’s POV

“That was amazing!” I gushed. I hadn’t been able to stop smiling. The sets were beautiful, the aerialists and other performers were AMAZING. The narrator was a person who can best be described as a high fashion conceptual clown but still a clown. It’s always fun to see Sharon’s face when there is a clown in her presence. Most didn’t know as much as I knew about Sharon and she was good at hiding emotions but not with me.

On the walk back Brian and I were holding hands, swinging them back and forth slightly. Why did that feel so natural? I mean we have been dating for what, 3 days? It shouldn’t BE this easy and there is a possibility I could fuck it up but I was firmly deciding to enjoy right now, this moment. And this moment was pretty fucking awesome.

“Whatcha thinking about?” Brian said and I looked up, surprised to see that we were back at the hotel. I guess I was on autopilot.

“A bunch of things really but mostly our facetime with Vi tomorrow. I’m scared.”

He gave my hand a squeeze, “So what you are saying is Benny has installed a home gym and is on a treadmill at the moment?”

I squeezed his hand back, “Exactly, running while carrying weights. Are you hungry? Do you need to eat?”

“Later, unless a bunch of people want to go out.” 

“If they are and you want to, I want you to go without me. Please don’t feel you HAVE to stay with me love. I just need to decompress and stretch out for a moment.” I mumbled, hoping he wouldn’t see how anxious I was feeling about this facetime with Vi and Danny tomorrow. I kinda hoped he would go, I felt a meltdown coming on and although Brian had seen me meltdown several times as my friend. I had not had one as a couple. Which I thought was a good thing but somehow if I did, I thought it would make him not want to be with me.

“No, no, I wanna stay with you.” He looked at me for a moment and smiled and then he did a double-take, looking concerned. “Are you ok?”

“No,” I said no louder than a whisper, looking down at the ground. “I’m not ok. I’m really not.”

By then, everyone was ahead of us entering the lobby as we lagged behind, I was thankful they didn’t hear it. I hate my sisters to see me upset. Especially Sharon, who would usually know just by looking at me. Once we got into the lobby, I put my cheery gameface on.

“How did everyone like the show?” Jinkxy asked. When Jinkxy did something they enjoyed, they got this beautiful euphoric glow.

“It was so amazing, it amazes me the things people can do with their bodies, like human pretzels. Then again, I kinda date one.” I said with a laugh.

Katya laughed and stood in a handstand and arched her body backwards, even pointing her toes.

“Show off!” Fame said with a smile.

Katya stood up again and said “Спасибо” (thank you)

“KATYA WE DON’T SPEAK RUSSIAN!” Everyone said rather loudly. Which made Katya do her cowardly lion noise which made everyone break out into even louder laughter.

A young woman with sleek blond hair who was impeccably dressed came toward us, looking timid. I assumed she was a fan but she said something to Katya in Russian and then they proceeded to have a full minute of conversation in Russian.  
The young woman gesticulated towards the check-in desk. Katya nodded and said something else and the girl walked away.

“Be right back.” Katya said, chasing after the girl.

Coco and Phi Phi had shocked looks on their faces.

“Ok...Um I thought the whole Russian thing was just part of her character and brand. Katya actually fucking speaks Russian? That’s crazy!” Coco said.

“Yeah I didn’t know that either, I mean she does know phrases I guess, based on the stuff she says occasionally but, I didn’t know she was actually fluent!” Phi Phi said, her chin on the floor.

“She actually speaks french too, at least some French, not as much as Russian but still. She’s so smart.”

“Спасибо!” (thank you) Katya said again, reappearing with a huge smile on her face. “She needed help, she got separated from her partner, who speaks more English than her, and didn’t bring a room key because she was with her girlfriend who had one. So she just needed to get a new room key. Easy Peasy!”

No one said Katya we don’t speak Russian this time.

“Wow, that was pretty amazing Kat. Very impressive!” Coco said with a grin.

There was a bunch of nods and a smattering of words of agreement.

“Ok I’m hungry, anyone else for a bite to eat?” Sharon said somewhat grumpily. She always got hangry whenever she hadn’t eaten in a while. A while as in the last 45 minutes or so! Girl could eat.

“Sounds good to me!” Coco and Phi Phi said at once.

“Jinks!”

“What?” Jinkxy asked with a loud laugh ending in a snort. “Just kidding! I could eat!”

“Count me out loves. Sorry Coquita, I need a nap. It was so good to see you!! It was good to see you again too Derrick! Did you guys know that my lil drag daughter Nebraska and Derrick are boyfriends?”

“No! I didn’t know that!” Fame exclaimed.

“That’s cool!” Sharon said. "Ok back to business, food. What about you Derrick? Fame? Katya?“

"I’m out.” Katya said quickly, “I’m just not hungry yet.”

“I’d love to but I have to go. Thanks for inviting me Jinkxy! Nice to meet you if I haven’t before and nice to see you again if I have!” Derrick said with a chuckle, going around to hug everyone.

“I think I’m gonna go and rest. I didn’t sleep very well last night.” Fame confessed. She looked like she was ready to burst into tears. Of course she didn’t sleep well last night, the anxiety of finding out if your best friend was going to die or not must be eating away at her like a parasite of grief and endless questions circling in her brain.  
I wouldn’t be surprised if most of us had ulcers by the end of this ordeal. Not something to complain about by comparison to what Vi was facing.

“Lasky?” Coco nudged, grabbing my hand. “You ok? It was so nice to see you my darling!” She pulled me into an extra long hug.

“It’s always good to see you too Coquita!” I made myself smile.

“Ok let’s go food gang!” Sharon said “I’m really starving.”

Everyone filed out until it was just Fame, Katya and I.

“Fame, are you gonna be ok by yourself?” I fretted. As much as I hated meltdowns in front of other people, the thought of the sensitive queen sitting alone in her hotel room with no one to support her was breaking my heart. There are greater priorities than my pride. Friends were one of those things.

“I’ll be ok, I really am going to try to have a nap. I promise I will text you if I don’t want to be alone. Does that sound ok with you two?” She looked earnest about the chance to have some alone time so I nodded. It’s not like I was going to force my company on her.

“Ok you know where we are. Come on ‘Lasky.” Katya said, grabbing my hand and pulling me towards our wing’s elevator, Fame headed over to the red elevators. She looked so lonely but she was walking with her head up and her usual swishy, confident walk, that reassured me that she would be ok. Fame was the type of person that wore her heart on her sleeve so you could tell if she was truly not ok just by looking at her.

I let Katya lead me by the hand up to our room. I was fully on autopilot and completely surprised that we were there already.

“You really aren’t with it right now eh? What’s up babe?” Kat asked with a frown, sitting in the middle of the bed and pulling me beside him.

“I’m just stressed about everything that is going on right now. I know everyone is but it just hit me like a big ol' Mack truck full of hot garbage juice that we are going to find out news about Vi tomorrow. Yes I know that even if their results are bad, they can still beat it but I am just so stressed and I’m so selfish.” I covered my face with my hands, my face contorting with the oncoming tears that broke free from the dam that I had held them in all day.

Brian pried my hands away from my face and made me look at him. “Justin,” he began patiently, “you are one of the most selfless people I have ever met. Why would you possibly think that you were selfish?”

“Because Danny and Vi have it so much worse than I do. That I’m not thinking of them, well I am but you know….that probably makes absolutely no sense.” I harrumphed frustratedly, the words to my feelings getting trapped somewhere between my heart and my lips.

“I know exactly what you mean but feelings aren’t quantifiable Justin. You can’t invalidate what you are feeling because someone may be feeling it too or you perceive that they are or should be feeling it more than you. That is simply not true and as much as it makes me sad when you are sad, you need to feel those feelings and let them out because your feelings matter. They do.”

He pulled me into a hug and that’s when I broke and Brian was left rocking a pile of shattered pieces of human.


	149. Not a chapter (sorry)

I'm so sorry for the lack of posting. I've been rediculously busy this week but I'm going to edit a few chaps on the way to church (about an hour) and post tonight when I get home. (Around 9:30pm EST)


	150. Plans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m a dork.

Adore’s POV  
“I am so proud of you hun.” Mom said, wiping away a tear. “That is going to be such a special surprise and I just love how well you look after and more importantly love them. I support your plan 100%, you know I will always support you. Well at least I HOPE you know that. You let me know how I can help. I know you are going to need some time away from the hospital to plan, I can come visit Vi while you have a pretend dentist appointment or some shit like that!”

“Oh good idea!! I hadn’t thought of that. I may have a few things for you to do too. Thanks Mama. I love you so much!” I grabbed her in a giant bear hug.

“You’re squeezing the stuffing out of me Danny!” Mom squeeked out and I let her go immediately, she laughed. “Thanks.”

“I gotta get back, I know Vi is probably out but I don’t like to be away from them for long.”

“I know you don’t hunny,” she murmured, cupping my face so I looked at her. “Please get some sleep and promise me you will keep eating even when I’m not here to bring sandwiches. 3 meals a day. I will bring you some snacks. You are getting way too thin my Danny Boy. I’m concerned about you. Please call me if I can bring something to you. Promise?”

“I promise Mama.” I said solemnly while I gave her another hug and reached over and opened the car door for her.

“Such a gentleman!” She said with a chuckle.

“I try! Ok Mom, I’ll see you soon. Drive safe!”

I watched her drive away and headed back up to Vi and Lucy’s room.

As expected, Vi was completely out when I got back. Lucy had either finished or decided to give up on her homework. She was in her pyjama’s, reading a paperback novel. Her prosthetic leg and wig were on top of her school books almost like she was trying to bury them.

I pulled out my phone, switched it to silent and sent Lucy a text.

Me - hey, have they been asleep for long?

Lucy - yeah they pretty much passed out as soon as you left then Matt came in and put their meds in their line and checked their sugar (it’s fine) and they didn’t even move.

Me - Great. I’m gonna pull out the couch. You look sleepy.

Lucy - I am! Matt just gave me my sleep meds but I’m fighting it because of this damn book I started, I am only on chapter 2 but I am hooked!

Me - oh yeah, what book? What’s it about?

Lucy - It’s a book by this author whose penname is Remény Writes, not very original if I say so myself! It’s a paranormal thriller about twins and one went blind in an accident and now she can see dead people and move shit with her mind which I haven’t quite figured out since she is blind. She can see just in certain situations. it’s confusing but really good!

Me - sounds…interesting. Can I read it when you are done reading it, no rush obviously!

Lucy - Sure! Of course!! Go ahead and make the bed and then I can tell you something Frederick said to me today!  
She grinned at me impishly.  
I pulled out the bed slowly to keep it from creaking and grabbed the bedding from the closet, it was second nature now. I knew where things are. I quickly made the bed and picked up my phone and turned, expecting Lucy to be waiting patiently for me to finish but she was fast asleep. She looked like she was about 8 years old. Her arm had dropped but her thumb was stuck in the page she was on. She had a faint smile on her face and I wondered if it had anything to do with what Frederick had said.

I crept over and slowly took the book out from under her thumb, being careful to keep her place. I picked up the butterfly bookmark laying beside her and saved her place. I pulled up her pink blankets and gave her a kiss on the forehead.

Then I moved over to Vi. I pulled their blankets up to their chin, they were shivering so I pulled the blankets off my bed and put them over them too. I kissed them on the forehead like always, taking a moment to bless my eyeballs with their beautiful face.

I padded out to the hall and found Matt.

“Hey everything ok?” he said, eyes already wide with concern.

“Everything is fine except Vi is shivering a little bit so I put my blankets on them so I need a blanket for myself and maybe a heated one for them if that’s possible?”

“Of course that’s possible!! I’ll be right back!” Matt said, disappearing into the linens room. He came back with 3 blankets, they were all delightfully warm.

“I figured you could use a nice warm bed too.” He shrugged like his compassion wasn’t worth praise or even attention.

“I don’t know if I’ve told you lately that you are an amazing man and so amazing at your job and I know both of us appreciate you so much. We consider you as a friend.”

He blushed. “Thanks Danny! If someone had told me 5 weeks ago that I would be friends with Adore Delano and Violet Chachki, I would ask them what drugs they were taking.” He said, laughing. “You know I would..”

I finished the sentence for him, “be ok with you never having met us outside of a show. Well we have and now you gotta put up with us.” I joked.

“Gladly.” He turned his head to look at something and I knew he needed to get back to work.

I walked back into the room and pulled the blankets from my bed off of Vi and put 2 of the blankets closest to them and then covered them up again. I just thought it would keep in the heat better if they were closer to them.

I curled up on the small pull out couch, I usually sleep curled up which is good because if I didn’t, my feet would be hanging off the edge. The mattress made crinkly noises but it was ok. I punched my pillow a few times to try to get it to submit into a better form but it wouldn’t so I made do. I spread out the blanket and it was so warm and comforting, like a hug or sharing a bed with another person, something I hoped Vi and I could do soon without wires and IVs. I let out a long held in sigh and with the exhaustion, the stress of waiting and the warm blanket I swiftly descended into the inky blackness of sleep.


	151. Are you sure?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PSA I, Remény W, is trash, trash, trashy, trash. I don't know why y'all put up with me TBH!  
> CW death

Violet’s POV

When I opened my eyes I didn’t recognize where I was right away.  
Lot’s of pink and dolls and a canopy bed.

I bolted upright.

“NO! THIS ISN’T HAPPENING. CASSIE, WHEREVER YOU ARE, I KNOW YOU’RE NOT REAL!” I bellowed.

“Are you sure..ure…ure?” Her voice echoed around me. I swung my head around this way and that to catch sight of her. I couldn’t pinpoint where she was. In the process, I would occasionally get a flash of pink dress or silver shoe. Giggling but not sweet, innocent giggling that I could listen to for years. This giggling had an underbelly of evilness.

“This isn’t REAL! You aren’t REAL! You aren’t the real CASSIE!! I know you aren’t! I’ve SEEN the real Cassie!! Go away! You aren’t real!”

“Are you sure she isn’t?” Danny said, coming out of the closet.

“Yeah she could be.” Pearl said, coming out from behind the door.

“How do you know the in-between wasn’t a trick?” Fame said, popping up from behind the doll house.

“JD…JD…where are you?” Cassie called. “Come find me.”

“No! YOU AREN’T REAL! NONE OF YOU ARE!” I yelled, pulling the blankets over my head.

Everything was quiet and I breathed a sigh of relief and was pulled back into sleep.

When I woke again, the blankets were still over my head and I was afraid to uncover it. Someone sat down on the bed beside me. Their warmth spreading magically towards me. Dead people don’t radiate warmth do they?

“h..hello?” I said tentatively in a whisper.

No answer.

“Is anyone there?” I said a bit later, my voice shaky and my throat constricting.

A door slammed in the distance and I jumped, bumping into something or someone on the bed. It or they didn’t move.

Just as I opened my mouth to say something, a door that must be in the room slowly creaked open. The whatever on the bed shifted slightly, making me jump once again.

“You ready hun?” I heard a voice say. Was that Bonnie? I pulled the blankets off my head to see Danny sitting on the side of the bed beside me. He wasn’t even looking at his Mom. He was slouched over , looking at the floor in between his fingers that were splayed over his face like he was watching a bad horror movie.

Bonnie was standing in the doorway, in a beautiful black dress, a look of concern on her face.

I sat up, realizing that Danny was sniffling. He’d been crying. He hadn’t noticed that I was awake and I wasn’t sure he wanted me to know he was upset but I couldn’t just sit there.

“What’s wrong my love?”

He didn’t turn and smile and greet me with his usual ‘good morning sunshine’, I got no reaction. Alarm bells started ringing in my head.  
I rolled over to the middle of the bed as Bonnie came and sat beside him and put her arm around him. She leaned in so that their heads were side by side.

“I don’t know if I can do this.” Danny said, sounding broken.

“I know hunny but it’s almost time to go. You have to be there. You have 10 minutes to change. I’ll holler when we have to go.”

“No I’m wearing this, this is- Vi’s favourite shirt. I don’t care what anyone thinks about it. I really give no fucks about clothes today. I just can’t Mom.” Danny said, looking at Bonnie, pleading in his big brown eyes.

Bonnie stood up, leaning over Danny to kiss the top of his head. “Ok Danny boy,” she whispered and then closed the door with a little click.

“Danny, what’s going on?” No response, no movement. No acknowledgement of what I said, that I had even said ANYTHING.

A gust of wind made the gossamer drapes dance.

He lifted his eyes toward the window and a small smile appeared on his face, quickly disappearing again.  
“Hello my love,” He said, looking back down at the floor.

I quickly scrambled around beside him til my feet were hanging off the bed too. I put my hand on his shoulder, “What’s going on? What’s wrong Danny?” he didn’t respond, he just hugged himself, he was shivering so hard that his teeth were clacking together.

“It’s almost time to go, I wish you could come with me.”

“Then I will Danny, let me just put some jeans on.” I jumped up and grabbed a pair of jeans, when I turned around Danny had walked around to my side of the bed and was cradling my pillow in his hands. He stuck his face in it and inhaled.  
“What are you doing weirdo?” I said with a laugh.

He didn’t answer, he put my pillow down like it was a piece of spun sugar and not…well…a pile of feathers.

Bonnie called from downstairs and Danny moved to the door.

“I’ll be back love.” He sighed so deeply it was like it came from the depths of his soul.

“I said I’m coming with you!” It was frustrating that I couldn't seem to speak louder than a whisper. I followed him out of the room and house and to the car.

Fame was there, looking sharp in a grey pinstriped suit with a Lavender dress shirt. He didn’t have a tie on. Fame hated ties. In one conversation we had, he said that he would rather wear heals 24 hours a day than wear a tie for four hours of the day. He opened back car door but didn’t get in. Bonnie must have asked something because he held the door open for me but didn’t get in. I scooted into the middle because Fame got nauseous because of the bumpiness of the seat. The seat on the other side of me had 2 boxes and a square planter with a huge crop of Violets. The air was permeated with their subtle sweet smell. I stuck my face in their gentle blossoms and inhaled deeply.

Everyone got in and Bonnie started the car and pulled out of the driveway.

“Hey Famey-Wamey!” I said, hoping whatever weirdness was going on with Danny was not affecting him too but he looked right at me with a wavering smile.

“Pretty violet.” He said and looked forward at the back of Danny’s head again and we rode in silence.

I looked down at my tshirt and jeans, “thanks. I look like shit but you know I never refuse a compliment.” I laughed.

We pulled into the parking lot of a big old brownstone house. I had no idea where we were.

“See you guys in there.” Fame said and as soon as the car stopped he hopped out and strode across the parking lot into the front of the building.

Bonnie sighed and reached over to squeeze Danny’s knee. “I’m going to take the flowers and the lighter box. Could you bring in the heavier box? When you are ready.”

Danny nodded and Bonnie came and opened the door at the back to pull out the smaller of the two boxes that was resting on the floor and the flowers, leaving the door open for us and walked away. I still had no idea what was going on.

Danny was leaned forward on the seat, hunched over like he was trying to be so small he could disappear. I reached around and put my hands on his shoulders to massage them but his muscles were so tense that I was afraid to hurt him. He was shivering again.

“D..d..danny?” I stuttered.

“Hello love.” His voice was gravely like he had smoked 3 packs of cigarettes a day for years.

“Hi!” I gushed, so relieved to hear him acknowledging my presence again. “Are you mad at me? What are we doing here? Is this a surprise?”

“I don’t think I can do this.” He choked back a sob. “I’m so afraid.”

“I’m RIGHT here with you Danny. I’m not going anywhere. I don’t know what you are afraid of but you aren’t alone. Come on love, you can do it. WE can do it. I’ll get the box.” I shimmied past the box in the backseat and went to pick it up but it was too heavy. “On second thought, you are going to have to get the box!” I laughed.

“Ok, Ok. I think I’m ready now. Like you say, I’m ready as I’ll ever be.” He mumbled, slowly getting out of the car and coming around to get the box, closing the car door with a swing of his hip.

We approached the side door and a young man opened the door. He was dressed in a suit as well. An older man looking serious nodded at us. “Right this way Mr Noriega.”

“Oh fancy!” I teased.

He led us into a large room, I noticed Bonnie putting out picture frames and fiddling with flowers at one side. I turned, expecting Danny to be right beside me but he was across the room, folded into Fame’s arms, sobbing hysterically.

I ran up, “Danny what happened?!”  
That’s when I noticed the casket. It was closed.

“Danny, who is that?” I said quietly.  
I went right up to Danny and Fame. “Danny?” I grabbed his shoulder and screamed in his ear, “DANNY WHO IS THAT?”

His whole body shuddered and that’s when I knew who was in there.  
I needed to see it with my own eyes.  
I laid my hands on the casket. It was cold, so cold.

I took a deep breath, the smell from the riot of flowers around the casket was turning my stomach and threatening to choke me.

I closed my eyes. I didn’t want to see until the lid was all the way up.  
I pushed the casket open, mentally preparing myself to see what I was about to see.

I took another deep breath and then opened my eyes wide.

“Hello brother dear, so good of you to join me.” Cassie said with an evil grin. She was squished beside my dead body. My face had sores on it that they had tried to cover by caking makeup on. I was wearing a hospital gown. Then it’s eyes opened and it lifted it’s head to smile at me.

I bolted up straight in bed, mind racing, sweating profusely and feeling like someone had punched me in the stomach.


	152. Points of Light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Expect new chapters today my loves.
> 
> I feel I need to say something about what happened at the taping of UNHhhh at dragcon incase this person reads my fics too (I don't write Trixya so I know you didn't share my shit) 
> 
> Reading out Fanfic synopsis to them in front of a bunch of people (80% probably read fics) to make fun of fanfic was a despicable thing to do. 
> 
> You have alienated a bunch of authors so I hope you weren't in the middle of a fic you couldn't wait to find out what happens next in because people are orphaning their works left, right and centre. 
> 
> YOU did that so I hope you are happy with yourself. Why were you even ON AO3 if you hate fanfic so much? Nah I think you read it all the time. 
> 
> Ridiculing something people work hard on, for nothing but other's enjoyment, was a douche move and you are a CUNT! (Not a C.U.N.T.) 
> 
> RuPaul once said "kindness is the new cool" and you have gone against the very reason we have a con to begin with, a con that was supposed to be a place where people like you and us, who are generally marginalized and treated like freaks, could have a safe place. Fanfiction should (and was) also be one of those safe places too but I guess you shit on that. *Sarcasm* Go you!   
> I hope your 10 seconds of attention was worth it. 
> 
> Also, for the record, if I was there at the con, we would have had words and I may have ("accidently of course!") ran over your foot with my 300lb wheelchair and I would have liked it. So thank your lucky stars for that. If you think I'm using hyperbole, I'm not!
> 
> Shame on you! Hit me up on Tumblr if you actually want to have a real adult chat about the ramifications of what you have done and how you can make things better if that is something you want. Remeny-Writes

Adore’s pov  
I heard Vi gasp for breath and they were sitting straight up in bed. I wasn’t sure if they were asleep or not so I waited for a moment.  
“Danny?” They whispered into the dark room, they were crying and still gasping for air like someone had been choking them.

“I’m here baby. I’m coming!” I said, it took me a moment to untangle myself from the bedding in my frantic need to comfort them and then I rushed to their side.

“What’s wrong, what happened? Are you feeling sick?” I asked one after another without giving them any time to answer.

“Nightmare.” They said, I hugged them close to me, they were shivering and panting and covered in sweat.

“Not again! Cassie?” I could feel them nod against me and cursed quietly. That wasn’t Cassie so why was their brain still torturing them for something they know now that they didn’t do.

They were trying to cry silently so as to not wake up Lucy. One hand over their mouth, eyes wide. The small amount of light that spilled in from the hall underneath the closed door glinted off the whites of their eyes and their tears.

“Hunny it’s ok, I’m safe. Lucy is safe. She didn’t kill us. It was just a dream. You’re ok! You’re safe.” I babbled, not knowing what else to do. A tear slipped down my face.

They pulled away from me and took their hand off their mouth for a moment. “Not you.” They whispered, eyes wide as they shook their head back and forth, tears flying off of their face with how violently they were shaking it.

“Who? Tell me what happened when you feel up to it, if you don’t I understand and I will just sit here and hold you if that is what you need. I will do anything you need.Anything!” I repeated, like I was trying to make sure they knew I was being sincere.

“Just hold me for a moment.Please?” they said in a voice so small and broken that I almost didn’t hear it.  
“Ok I can do that!” They lunged at me and I pulled them in my arms, Their head resting in the crook of my neck.

I whispered in their ear, “It’s all gonna be ok love, I will make it ok. WE can make it ok. It was just a dream. You’re safe. I’m safe. It’s not real. It was just a nightmare. Just a dream my love.” and then I hummed for a bit.

Eventually they got in control of their breath but couldn’t stop crying. I just held onto them, crying along with them. At one point I saw the little pin pricks of light reflecting off of Lucy’s open eyes but she didn’t say anything and eventually she seemed to have fallen back asleep.

Violet pulled away. “I’m gonna hurt you Danny. I don’t want to hurt you. If something happens to me, I know how that feels. I don’t ever want to make you feel like I felt with Cassie. EVER!” They said, giving me a little shake at the second ever.

“What did you dream Jason?” I said quietly, knowing that I needed to know what had made my beloved so upset.

“Ok I woke up at my old house in Cassie’s room. She...she was trying to tell me that the Cassie I saw in the in-between wasn’t real and I told her I didn’t believe her but you and Fame and Pearl popped out to give me even more doubts as to whether what had happened was real or not. I covered my head and woke up in a bed, I don’t know where it was but my head was still covered in the blankets. I was so afraid. There was someone sitting on the bed and I was terrified that it was Cassie but then I heard your Mom come in and she was talking to you about that it was almost time to go but I didn’t know to what." They blurted out quickly, stopping to catch a breath before continuing. "So she left and said she would tell you when it was time to go and then there was weirdness because you were sad and you couldn’t hear me or were ignoring me for some reason and then you were fascinated by a curtain moving and then you talked to me but it was still weird. Then we went to get in the car and Fame was there and I was talking to Fame because I didn’t know if you were actually mad at me or something so she turned to me and called me pretty and I felt more relaxed since she was talking to me. Then we went in this big building with men in suits and went into a big room and your Mom was there fixing flowers and tinkering like your Mom does and then I looked and you weren’t beside me anymore, you were on the other side of the room and Fame was holding onto you and you were crying harder than I have ever seen someone cry and then I saw a casket. I asked you who it was, I yelled at you and you didn’t respond and then I went to open…to open the casket and Cassie was in there and I was in there too but not me, it was like a second me and Cassie said something like welcome to me and then my body’s eyes opened and I woke up."   
They started crying in earnest again. "And now I realize that Fame was calling the violet flowers on the other side of the car pretty and not me and that the only time you talked to me was when I touched you and I... don’t want to haunt you Danny! I don’t want to die!”

“You aren’t going to. Hunny, your tests came back ok, you are beating this thing. It’s ok and you are ok and if something did happen to you I would not regret that broken heart because it meant that we have had this time together. not one second, you hear me. You are so strong my love and you are not alone and I’ve got you. It was a dream, it wasn’t real Vi.”

Their tears had stopped but they were shivering so badly that I pulled the covers open and got in next to them to hold them close and to share my body heat with them. I held them tight, they curled into me with their head on my chest. We just laid there while I whispered reassurances and rubbed their back and told them how brave and strong they were.


	153. Show Circles

Michelle’s POV

“Ok guys, let’s have a great show tonight. Willam are you feeling ok? You look a little peaky.”

“What the fuck is a peaky?” Willam said.

“It’s Britspeak for unwell.” Bianca joked, “Michelle you need an intervention with trying to add new words to our vocab. We are going to need to hire a translator soon.”

“Sorry!” I said with a grin, “no need to kick off on me B!”

“Oh there is going to be a kick alright. In your ass!” He threatened.

“Bring it on.” I said, attempting to be menacing. We stared menacingly at each other and then burst into laughter.

“Are you guys done?” Pearl said, sounding bored.

“Ok Ok!”

“To answer your question Michelle, I’m not feeling 100%, I think I ate something that disagreed with me. Fire in the hole man!” Willam imitated a bomb going off.

I knew he was full of shit but I also knew B would tell me if something was seriously bad.

Everyone had a look of worry across their face and it was totally understandable. Part of me wished that I could fast forward til tomorrow but part of me was afraid to find out the news. I tried hard to get Danny to tell me but he wouldn’t budge and it was making me anxious. I wasn’t the only one in this possibly sinking boat so I pulled myself out of my own head and looked around. Everyone was staring at me and I realized they were waiting for the pre-show pep talk they all complained about but wanted to hear anyway. They pretended they hated it but if they did, they wouldn’t be formed in a circle looking at me expectantly now would they?

“Ok gang. Let’s make this the best show. I know we are all feeling worried about tomorrow but let’s give everyone out there the show of their lives, got it? Let’s dedicate this show for all of our fans who are ill. Sound good?”

They all nodded and I put my hand in the middle of our circle, slowly one after another around the circle, the queens put their hands in.

“BOTS Rocks on 3. 1…2…3!”

“BOTS ROCKS!” We all screamed, breaking apart laughing.

After the show we were all packing up our various makeup and products.  
“Great show tonight guys! So I just want to remind you to meet in Pearl and I’s room tomorrow at 8am. Have fun tonight if you go out but please don’t miss tomorrow. Vi and Danny are relying on our support.”

“Are you coming out tonight?” Alaska said, putting one of her nails in her mouth and popping it off. Ow that must hurt!

“No baby, I’m beat, I’m going to go back to the hotel and grab some food and then go to bed. Are you ok?” She looked chalky and pale.  
She lifted a hand to her forehead and wiped at the sweat. I hope she isn’t getting sick. Of course now when anyone did get sick, which is inevitable when you meet and hug as many people as we do and the cohabitate in a bus the majority of the time, that I was always going to worry if it was something more than a cold or flu.

“Oh yeah, I’m fine.” She said after realizing that I was talking to her. “We’re going to come back to the hotel with you.” I knew we meant her and Katya.

Katya was looking at her with worry too.

Everyone who wanted to had departed so it was just Alaska, Katya and I with a humming Jinkxy still cleaning up at the other end of the room.  
“When was the last time you ate something Alaska?” I said, she looked like so needed a hug and since her and Katya were pretty much inseperable, I pulled them both into a hug.

“You worry too much!” Alaska said, feigning a smile. Avoiding my question.

“I know, I can’t help it. It’s a Mum thing I guess. You didn’t answer me.” I pressed.

“Today, this morning before we went to cirque. I ended up throwing the majority of it up though. My stomach just can’t handle food right now I guess.” She shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal that her already tiny body hadn’t had food in 24 hours.

Katya had turned towards her, brow furrowed in concern. “You didn’t tell me. You should have told me Justin. I could have gotten you something lighter or something liquid.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t think anything of it. My stomach is always messed up when I get anxious. It’s not a big deal. I’m ok.”

“Let’s get back to the hotel babe, I’ll find you some soup or something. Maybe some ginger ale?” Katya coaxed like ‘Lasky was a stubborn child. Alaska sighed and nodded and I was relieved. Alaska liked to look after everyone else but wasn’t so good at letting people help her when she wasn’t ok.

Fame just walked back in the room, “there you are! I thought you guys were coming so I ordered an uber.”

“Are you coming back too Famey?” Alaska asked, plucking her bag off of the chair.

“Yeah,” Fame said softly. “I don’t really feel like partying.”

“Hey wanna have a party in our room?” Alaska asked, sharing a look with Katya to make sure it was ok. Which of course it was because KAtya would follow Alaska almost anywhere and because socializing was like air to Katya. 

“Apparently I am getting soup and ginger ale and you can order other stuff and we can watch a movie or something. Are you in Michelle?”

“Sure, for a bit. Probably not for long though.”

“Hey guys,” Jinkx said quietly. “Can I come too?”

Katya threw back her head and laughed and then pretended to be the stern angry soup man from the Seinfeld show. “No soup for you!” Which made us all giggle.

We hopped in the white van waiting outside. I leaned my head against the cool glass while the other queens bantered back and forth. I was so exhausted so I thought I would just close my eyes for a second. Just a second.


	154. Fyi

The latest posting of the same 3 chapters was a fluke and I'm assuming a glitch in the server. Sorry about that!  
REM


	155. Brooklyn in Las Vegas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is like food to me, feed me Seymour! hehehe

Katya’s POV

I was behind Michelle in the van as she leaned her head against the window. Within moments, her head lolled back and she was sound asleep. I pulled off my jacket and rolled it up and Jinkxy helped me get it under her neck. We were moving very slowly as we didn’t want to wake her up. I knew we would have to when we got to the hotel but it was nice for her to have this little pocket of peace.

I sat back and grabbed Alaska’s hand. He really didn’t look well and was a sickly pale shade of green.  
“How ya doing love?” I said and he sighed and leaned his head into my shoulder.

“I feel like I’m gonna barf.” He said, rubbing his stomach.

“Ok I have a plan.”

“Oh I like plans. You could say I’m a plan fan!” He said with a fake little chuckle.

“Ok enough deflecting you!” I chastised! I have gravol in my bag, what if you took some and then by the time the room service got up to the room, it should have kicked in. What do ya think?”

“mhmm” he nodded noncommittally.  
“If you aren’t feeling up to company, the ladies will understand. You know they will.”

“No no! I want them to come up. I really do.” He said, looking me in the eye.

“Ok as long as you are sure my little Glamtron princess. You got something in your wig.” I said, pulling some confetti out.

“Ok first,” He said, sticking his hand up to stop me, a real grin on his face. “This is my HAIR! I don’t WEAR wigs and secondly, I like it when you DON’T touch my HAIR!”

He let out a real HA of laughter and I whispered in his ear, “there he is. I thought you had been lost.”

“Nope I’m still here, sorry I’ve been so down and crazy lately.” He apologized and squeezed my hand in reassurance.

“Oh stawp! You know I’m always here for you. You deal with my insanity every day! You deserve a fucking medal for that. You’re amazing.”

“Awww baby.” Alaska gave me a kiss on the cheek which I knew would have left a huge lipstick print that I would have to walk through the hotel with that but hello perspective? I was in a dress covered with images from the movie contact and a blonde wig that poofed out everywhere and I would be hand in hand with a 7 foot, with hair and heels, person with black tape on her cheeks, contacts that made her eyes appear huge and a dress made of black plastic trash bags and a sequin cape that said ‘HIIEEE’ on the back. So a lipstick print was nothing to be worried about.

“You guys aren’t being, as Alyssa would say ‘ooshy gooshy mooshy’ back there are you?” Jinkx said.

“Nope,” we practically said in unison.

“Aww why not?” Jinkx said with a softer version of their usually booming laugh, looking back at us.

“Sorry to disappoint,” Alaska said and pulled my face to his and then wrapped his arms around my neck. The kiss was gentle and sweet and when we pulled apart, we were both grinning sheepishly.

Fleecy, Cinnamon, forest. Happiness in a smell and touch.

“Awww,” Jinkxy gushed, bouncing in their seat and clapping silently, it was basically the same reaction she had with watching Cirque. I felt like taking a bow. “You two are so cute together!”

We pulled up to the hotel and we all looked and Michelle and then at each other.

“I’ll wake her up.” I offered as Fame paid the driver and the other queens got out of the van with their various bags.

I put my hand on Michelle’s arm, “Michelle? Wake up. We’re here.” She didn’t move at all so I pulled out Alaska’s dirty tactics. I shook her arm, “Michelle! Wake up! It’s Christmas!”

She opened her eyes and blinked slowly and looked bewildered. “Kat, did you just say it was Christmas?”

“Yeah, Alaska got me out of bed the other morning with that jem so I thought I would experiment and see if it worked with you. Survey says…ding ding ding yes!“I laughed.

She sat up and my jacket fell down behind her so I pulled it out.  
“Awww did you put your jacket behind my head? That’s so sweet! Sorry guys I can’t believe I fell asleep!” She hopped out of the van stretching and I followed her out, saying bye to the van driver who looked pissed that we took so long so I tipped him an extra 5. One of the things about being a queen is you always have small bills.

“Ok gang, our room is this way.” Alaska motioned toward the block of elevators that went to our wing. This hotel was fucking HUGE. She was looking sallow again.

“Actually, I’m gonna go de-drag in our room and then I’ll be up, my comfy clothes are calling my name.” Jinkxy said.

“I’ll come with you.” Fame added so I wrote down our room number and they headed off to the other elevators. We started to walk towards the elevators again.  
Michelle grabbed my arm. “I can’t come up Kat, I’m so exhausted and I think I’m gonna just snack on something and go to bed. If I change my mind, I know where to find you. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry love, we understand. Get some sleep and we’ll see you in the morning.” Alaska assured her, pulling her into a hug. I hugged her too so she was sandwiched between us. She laughed.

“Night guys. oh…'Lasky make sure you eat something and if you don’t feel better, PLEASE call me!!”

“Night Michelle! I promise you I will let you know if I don’t ok?” Alaska said seriously and Michelle nodded.

“Night night.” I said and waved and she turned around and left as I dragged Alaska back to our room.  
I pulled Alaska inside and immediately went to my bag, pulling out a bottle of anti nausea meds and grabbing a ginger ale from the fridge.

“Hey you, here now.” I commanded, beckoning her forward with my finger.

“Yes m’am,” Alaska quipped sarcastically, saluting me.

“Ok wise-ass!” I said as he downed the pills with a few dainty sips of gingerale. His pinky finger was up and it was adorable.

“What are you smiling at Mr?” He said, looking bemused.

“You with your pinky up like the dainty princess you are. You’re cute.”

“You’re pretty cute yourself.” He wandered to the desk that had makeup splayed messily all across it. He plucked up a makeup wipe and started transforming from 7 foot gregarious Glamazon to mild mannered, unassuming Justin. She looked at me through the mirror reflection and stated, “I notice you are still staring at me.”

“Have you ever thought of the correlation between drag queens and superheroes?” I queried. “I mean we go from looking like real live women, even in capes in your case, and then turn into Clark Kents”

“I never thought about it like that to be honest.” He popped off the last few stubborn nails and came over with the packet of wipes. I put out my hand to take them but he moved it away and sat beside me and started to remove crazy super Katya to transform me into just plain crazy Brian. There was something intimate about his gentle hands, one cupped my chin to keep me from fidgeting. Something I had been doing my whole life.

“There!” He said triumphantly. “Hello Brian.” He whispered with a little grin. The cutest little grin in the history of the world. How was I so blind as to not realize how head over heels I was about him. I don’t quite understand how my brain missed that one.

“Hi Justin.”

“I’m gonna go get changed. I’m overheating in these pads and hose!”

“Ok I’m gonna change too. Out here.” I sputtered, “not with you. I mean not like I don’t want to.”

“I know you want all this!” He joked, walking backwards and waved his hands around his body and posing. Laughing for real this time.

“Oh and you know you want all this!” I said puffing out my belly so I looked like I had a beer belly and slouching and doing my now infamous cowardly lion sound. More beautiful amazing tinkles of laughter as he disappeared into the washroom.

I peeled off my dress and wig. Both were sopping wet and sticky from sweat. Not surprising from the sweatiest woman in show business. I'd have to wash them out later in the sink. I pulled out a pair of jogging pants and a tshirt and threw them on just as someone knocked on the door. I frowned on the way to the door, thinking I heard Justin throwing up. I crossed my fingers like the child I am that he hadn’t.  
I looked through the peephole and saw Jinkxy and Fame waiting patiently.

“Who is it?” I said in a high voice.

“The fucking Avon lady.” Jinkxy said.  
I opened the door laughing and the queens skipped into the room arm in arm, flopping onto the unused bed.

“I’m STAAARVING!” Fame moaned, laying back like she was fainting. She bounced back up, suddenly serious. “How is ‘Lasky?”

“I’m good.” He lied as he came out of the bathroom. He wasn’t good at all but I let him tell the other queens that lie. I’d spent enough time with Justin to know when he was lying or not. I would pull him aside when the other two were busy. I didn't have to wait long.

Jinkxy had grabbed the room service menu and her and Fame were pouring over it so I took advantage of the moment to pull ‘Lasky aside.

“How are you really doing?”

His I’m-really-pretending-to-be-ok face fell. “I threw up again but it was only bile because there’s nothing in my stomach so I AM going to try to eat something. I don’t know if the gravol got into my system. I don’t want to eat Brian. I really don’t.”

“I know babe but you have to try, even a few crackers is better than nothing. Even a milkshake or some type of dessert? Anything, please.” I put my hands together to beg.

“I’ll try.” He said solemnly and turned back towards our friends.

“Here love,“Jinkxy said, handing Justin the menu. A cloud of concern crossed their face, "Are you sure you are ok 'Lasky?”

“I’m ok Jinkxy. I think I just need some food.” He took a second with the menu and then passed it on to me.

I looked over the menu. I am never hungry when I’m anxious but if I was making Justin eat, I had to too since we both hadn’t eaten this afternoon and evening.

I ordered for all of us and then we tried to find a movie that we all agreed on. We finally decided on Miss Congeniality, it was a funny movie and we knew it wouldn’t make us have to focus too much. None of us wanted to think too hard tonight.  
There was a knock on the door and Fame jumped up to get it.

A girl took one look at her and let out a squeak. “Hi. Sorry! Oh my God! You’re Miss Fame.”

“I know I am! And who are you?”

“I’m…uh….Brooklyn and….oh my gosh!” She shook her head and attempted to be calm, she took a deep breath through her nose and out her mouth. “I’m sorry, I have your food for you.”

“Come on in!” Fame said with a big smile.

Brooklyn made another squeak when she saw the rest of us.

“Oh my gosh! Hi!” She was turning bright red, she cleared her throat and tried to regain her composure again. She looked about 16 or 17 in her neatly pressed uniform. She looked frail and had big purple circles around her eyes and I wondered if she had been working a long shift. Her face was lit up with a smile so big but there was a story to this girl. I knew it. She looked down at the paper in her hand and read. “So I um have a chicken soup with extra crackers. A garden salad with grilled chicken dressing on the side. A bacon cheeseburger with side salad, some cookies and an order of french toast. Is..is that everything? Am I missing anything?”

“Nope, it all smells so great.” Jinkxy said, smiling at the shell shocked girl. “Here hunny.” Jinkx said, putting a 10 dollar bill in her hand.

“Thank you so much Mx Monsoon! Oh my god! Is this real life?”

“Come over here and I’ll pinch you.” Justin joked from the corner.

Brooklyn went even more maroon. “Miss Thunderfuck!” She said reverently and glided over to Justin and held out her arm to be pinched. Justin put his lanky arms around the girl and she made a squealing noise again.

“That’s an interesting noise you are making Brooklyn,” I joked, mimicking the noise.

“Oh my gosh, Katya! Oh my gosh!” She said, looking crazed with happiness. “I’m sorry! I’m not being very professional. I’m sorry. I’ll go now if you don’t need anything else.”

“I need something.” Fame said with her goofy grin.

I’m pretty sure she said “Anything” in a low voice.

“I think that we should get a picture with you. I mean if you don’t mind us out of drag.”

“I don’t mind, dresses or not, you are still you and all of your stories have given me hope.”

That’s when I saw the AA or NA chip hanging from her keys.

“I’m sober, you three have helped me with my addiction and sobriety and Jinkx you were so brave to educate people about Narcolepsy. My sister and I both have it. I was taking speed to try to stay awake and then I got hooked. Been clean for a year last week.” She puffed out her chest with pride, her smile more radiant than ever before.

“Sobriety is hard but you can do it!” Fame said with tears in her eyes, of course.

“Thank you! You are all my idols. I can’t believe this is happening right now!”

“Well believe it baby! Let’s get that selfie!” Fame said and we crammed together to get in the frame. My stomach was rumbling from the smell of the food.

“Thank you so much!” Brooklyn said as we gave her more tips.

“Make sure you tag us when you post the picture! Oh and obviously don’t post our room number.” Jinkxy said.

“Of course not!! I wouldn’t invade your privacy like that and I’d lose my job! I swear I won’t.” She exclaimed, crossing her heart. “Thank you!! Enjoy your meals! Just put the dishes in the hallway when you are done! Do you need anything else?”

“Nope we are good Brooklyn!” I said with a smile as I helped her open the door to take her cart out.

I swear I heard her say “Oh my gosh Yekaterina Petrovna Zamolodchikova just said my name!” to herself.

I smiled as I shut the door. I had a burger to demolish and a boyfriend to look after.


	156. Bakeries and a MIA Queen

Pearl’s POV

When I woke up this morning, I knew that I would remember this day for the rest of my life. When I came in last night, Michelle was fast asleep in bed, curled into a tight ball and occasionally grimacing in her sleep and making little whimpering noises like she was having a nightmare. The remnants of room service was on the bedside table so I put it outside. I hastily peeled off my clothes, wig, scrubbed off my makeup sloppily and flopped into bed and fell asleep immediately.

I was jolted from a dream at 4am and didn’t manage to get back to sleep. As hard as I tried. So I had a shower and then plugged in my earbuds and watched some netflix on my laptop until Michelle’s alarm went off. I jumped a mile into the air in surprise at the loud blast of noise, biting my tongue in the process.

She groaned and rolled over and smacked the alarm off. “Ugh it’s 7 o'clock already? I was not prepared.” She rubbed her temples and groaned again, then looked over at me. “How ya doing Pearly Girly? How long have you been up hun?”

“Since 4.” I said dully.

“And when did you get to sleep?” She said giving me a suspicious look.

“About 3.”

“Aw Pearly, I’m sorry love. At least there is a bit of a bus ride that you can hopefully sleep through.”

“Oh yeah, that’s true.” I nodded, hoping I could sleep on the bus.

She sat up and rubbed her eyes. “I’m gonna go shower.” She staggered to the bathroom half asleep. Michelle was NOT a morning person in the least so we had all learned to steer clear of her for the first hour at least, if you valued your body parts attached.

I disconnected the headphones from my computer and listened to my show while I packed odds and ends I may have forgotten and put a coffee in the keurig for when Michelle gets out of the bath.

I started to set up my laptop on a space so that everyone should be able to see and be seen. I hoped we didn’t have technical difficulties. My hands were shaking when I plugged my computer in. I lifted one hand to my face almost mesmerized by the tremble.

I needed food in a bad way. I picked up my wallet and jotted down a quick note for Michelle that I would be back. I went into the bakery, the fresh, warm, yeasty scent enveloped me like a hug. I was surprised that they had vegan gluten free items too! They were prepackaged and I was looking at a few of them.

A girl came along and said “Hey, just so you are assured, these products are homemade by us but in a different facility to avoid cross contamination so they are 100 percent safe. I also recommend the lemon cranberry and chocolate chip muffins. Let me know if you have any more questions!” She walked away and I picked up a little basket, throwing the 2 muffins and a few different flavoured danishes and a croissant with tofu cheese, fried eggplant and sundried tomato on it with a spicy hummus spread. So I put that in too, she could always have it for lunch. It took me a bit longer to make my selection. I finally ended up getting an egg sandwich, with bacon on freshly baked still-warm ciabatta bun. I also got a lemon danish, some assorted fruit and 3 chocolate croissants. I also ordered myself a cafe au lait and an espresso with a dash of almond milk for Michelle. 

The girl smiled and after she tallied my bill she said, “Thanks for your business, have a great day!”

I got a bit turned around at where the elevators but a kindly old lady pointed me in the right direction. I was just getting back into the room when the bathroom door opened and a billow of lemongrass scented steam came pouring out.

“Feel better?”  
“Yeah, a little. Where did you go?”

“I foraged for food. The bakery down there is pretty impressive and I got you an espresso with a dash of almond milk.”

“Ah bless you! Thanks! Bakery?”  
“Yeah and I found some stuff you can eat! It’s sealed packaging and made in a different location to avoid cross contamination or some shit like that.”  
I handed her the bag with her stuff and she pulled everything out. “Holy shit! That’s a lot of food here!”

“I figured that you could take some on the road since sometimes you get stuck with just eating almonds and rice crackers on the plane.”

“Aww you are so sweet Pearly.” She said, giving me a hug.

I sat down and got to work nibbling on the food and she did the same. We didn’t turn on the TV and my show was over so we just sat in a companionable silence. It wasn’t awkward like long silences can be. Michelle was the first to break it.

“These are THE best gluten free danishes I’ve ever had! Wow, that was unexpected. I may have to get a few more before we leave!”

“I’m glad that I picked something good, the girl who works there recommended the muffins. I had no idea what to get. Throw me that banana if you aren’t gonna eat it?”  
She tossed the banana and it missed by a long shot, toppling off the side of the bed. I went and picked it up, brushing it off on my pant leg. “Five second rule!”

Michelle chuckled and shook her head at me wrinkling up her face in disdain. “Ew!! You don’t know what’s been on that floor!”

“My immune system can take it, besides I’m eating the fruit not the peel. There is a method to my madness woman!” I joked.

“Well, it’s your body.” She shrugged and then her face got serious, “is everything set up?”

I nodded, checking the time. The other queens should be here soon. It was ten minutes to 8. Michelle and I had been kind of sly, the facetime call wasn’t until 8:30 but queens were notorious for being late. Except Alaska, that gurl bleeds professionalism and exuberance for her job which means she is always on time.

There was a knock on the door and I would bet my favourite rhinestoned shoes that was her and since where ‘Lasky went Katya followed, I would bet my new louboutins that Katya was with her.

What? I love shoes!

Katya and Alaska were so cute together but this whole them being a unit thing hadn’t just started once they began dating. They were inseparable even before that. Always sharing a room together even when we had the option of having a room to ourselves. I don’t know how Katya didn’t see that Alaska was interested in her for that long! Katya and her low self esteem!

I opened the door and sure enough, looks like I was going to be able to keep my shoes.  
“Hiiieee!” said a very pale and serious Alaska who swept by me and into Michelle’s arms and promptly burst into tears.

“Hi Pearly Girly!” Katya said with a bit more energy, surprising me with a great big hug. “How ya doing?” She whispered in my ear as she let me go. I just seesawed my hand as if to say I’m on the fence about how I feel.  
He looked at me sternly.

“Oh shit! I forgot about all this touchy feely shit. You can’t blame a bitch, I’ve been stuffing it down since like forever. I’m anxious and probably gonna cry. I’m sad.” I admitted point blank. He gave me another big hug. It felt alien to me to share these feelings but, I was trying to get used to it.

“I know you aren’t used to sharing about how you are feeling so I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you.”

I felt my face heat up all the way to my ears. “Aww Kat, stawp!” I worked up a half-assed smile and waved my hand to bid him enter the hotel room. I was just about to close the door when Jinkxy, Sharon and Phi Phi came around the corner. Jinkxy was ringing their hands and kept looking around. I waved them in too and they came in. B and Willam rounded the corner right after so I held the door open for them then I went back in and sat on the side of the bed. Jinkxy was crying hysterically in Michelle’s arms, Alaska patting them on the back and looking worried. I always admired that Jinkxy wore their emotions on their sleeve most of the time but it always pained me to see them so upset.

“So she was just gone when you woke up?” Katya said, looking very concerned.

“What’s going on?” I said, looking confused and then I realized that we were all there except for Fame. “Nevermind, dumb question. I went and sat beside Michelle and Jinkxy and picked up their hand in mine.

"She was gone,” Jinkx said between great gasps of breath. They bent over in on themselves and we heard, “thought she went to get food. But she never came back. I waited as long as I could before coming up.” their words ricocheting off of their knees.

I put my hand on their back and said, “Jinkxy get up here and let me hug you.” They sat up quickly, put their arms around my neck and cried into my shoulder.

Katya pulled out her phone, “I’m gonna call her.”

Jinkx was crying too hard to get anything out but their hoodie pocket started ringing. They fished Fame’s phone out. I knew it was fame’s because it was her merch cover. “She didn’t take her phone or wallet with her. That’s how I finally knew that she hadn’t gone for food. I’m so worried. What if she went to do something stupid like go get a drink or something? I should have heard her get up. I don’t even know if she slept, her bed was all messy like she had been rolling around in it. Where do you think she is?”  
Katya got what I like to call her light-bulb face, it was usually seen when she was about to get into mischief. I hadn’t seen that face in a while. Since Vi was diagnosed really.

Cancer has a type of ripple effect. You could see it in all of us.

“What are you thinking Kat?” Alaska said, giving the lost-in-thought queen’s hand a little squeeze to bring her back to earth again.

“What? Oh sorry, I think I know where she is. I’ll be back.” She said, getting up and wiping her hands on her pants.  
“Do you want someone to go with you?” Alaska and I said at the same time.

She shook her head roughly, “just please get Vi and Adore to wait until we are back, ok? I’ll take my phone and text Michelle if I find her.”

“Please find her, I can’t help thinking something bad has happened to her.” Jinkxy said quietly, their head still buried in my shoulder.  
“I will, I promise. I’ll find her.” Katya said and hurried out of the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s note: Sorry about it!  
> Also if you are ever in Vegas, stop at the Paris Hotel Boulangerie! (Bakery) You won’t regret it, I promise you that!


	157. Line-ups and Line Stealers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for sticking with me.   
> Reminder: Feedback is like air to writers. If you love it, hate it, think I could improve it somehow, I am open to all constructive criticism! Thank you to the people who constantly encourage me, you know who you are. If you read other lovely people’s fic, tell them! 
> 
> This is how the circle of fanfic goes:  
> We publish fanfic  
> you read said fanfic and enjoy it.   
> You send the writer feedback   
> which makes us writers very happy  
> we are encouraged then to continue writing because we know someone is reading it.  
> We publish fanfic and it goes on and on ad nauseum.

Adore’s POV

My arm was asleep and I had to pee but Violet was asleep again and I wasn’t willing to wake them up just because I needed to pee. They had cried themselves out last night and had finally fallen asleep curled into me with their head on my arm. In the morning light I could see the salty track marks of tears across their face. They had clinged onto me out of fear last night and I knew when they had fallen asleep when they loosened their grip, their breath evening out. I nodded off a few times but mostly remained awake to watch over them. I have gone many nights without sleep for less worthwhile causes and I knew I could have a nap when Lucy and Vi went to group.

Lucy was still sprawled out too, her remaining leg hanging out of the sheets and dangling off the bed.

It was approaching 7 o'clock when they finally stirred, opening their warm brown eyes and smiling at me.

“Good morning sunshine!” I whispered, I could feel one side of my mouth curving upwards in a lopsided grin.

They wiggled a little and ground their palms into their eyes and yawned. “I can’t believe I fell asleep again. I was so scared Danny. Thank you for helping me my love.”

“I know you were and of course I helped! I wasn’t going to let you go through that alone.You don’t ever have to do that alone love.”  
They put their arms around my waist and gave me a squeeze and I squirmed in pain.

Their face instantly went concerned, “What’s wrong? Are you ok?”

I let out a soft giggle, “I’m fine, I just really have to pee!” They let me go and pushed me out of the bed. I ran off to the bathroom chuckling.

When I came back, Vi was sitting up, their Vanguard beanie on their head. That could mean one of two things. Either they were cold again or they were feeling self conscious.

“Hey beautiful, you doing ok?” I whispered.

“Yeah I’m just a little cold.” They said, rubbing their arms. I went over to my suitcase and pulled out one of my sweatshirts. I knew they would be swimming in it but it was the warmest thing I have. I rubbed their arms. They pulled a handful of sweater up to their nose and inhaled.

“What are you doing silly?”

“It smells good.”  
I laughed, “it’s clean?”

“No I don’t mean it like that! I mean…I don’t know how to explain it but it’s comforting.” They shrugged.

“Well as long as it’s comforting then that is all that matters.” I said with a smile.

Lucy stretched, yawned and sat up.

“Good morning sunshine!” Vi said.

“Hey, I say that!” I laughed and play hit Vi, then yawned.

“Sorry, geeze! No need to abuse me!” I relished in the sound of the joking lilt to their voice. It sounded so good compared to the last few days that were over-run with anxiety, fear and worry.

“Sorry, will starbucks make it all better?” I said with a laugh.

“The answer is yes, Starbucks always makes the world better. It’s magic!” They smiled brightly, the corners of their eyes crinkling in the most adorable way.

“And what, pray tell, would the queen” I waved toward Vi and then to Lucy “and the Princess like?”

“I think I should get something warm, maybe some hot chocolate with a shot of peppermint pretty, pretty please?” Vi said, batting their eyes.

“Peppermint hot chocolate, check! And you Lucy?”

“Um maybe a decaf mocha frap with whole milk? If it’s not too much trouble.” Lucy said, mocking Vi’s batting of the eyelashes which made us both crack up.

“Ok got it. Decaf? Really Lucy?”

“Yeah…it makes me too hyper and jittery. Not a good look.” She giggled.

“Okie dokie, I’ll be right back.” I said pausing to look up at the clock, 7:40 which gave me 50 minutes to get back before the facetime with the gurls to tell them the good news. I gave each of them a little peck on the forehead.  
As I headed out, I smiled to myself. Today I didn’t have to make up a long starbucks line to go cry. I felt pretty good today despite the lack of sleep. I yawned as I stepped on the elevator, I guess I should get a shot of espresso. I walked off the elevator and cursed at myself as I saw the long line-up at Starbucks.  
Well I jinxed myself I guess.


	158. Amber Demons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Alcohol and Addiction

Katya’s POV  
I was almost certain that Fame was still in the hotel and in one of two places and I was right.

I turned the corner to where the blackjack and craps tables were and there she was sitting at the bar. There was a small glass of amber liquid in her hand. She was looking down at it, crying silent tears when I approached. She didn’t notice me so I went to sit beside her.

“Excuse me, is this seat taken?” I said in a quiet voice so I didn’t startle her. Fame reminded me of a wounded deer in the forest, you didn’t want to approach her too quickly or she would spook.

She didn’t even look up, she sighed deeply. “No it’s not. Go ahead.”

“Kurtis?” I said and her head snapped up. I was hoping that using her boy name would rouse her attention. I was right again.

“Oh hi Katya.” Fame said sadly, she was still looking at the glass of liquid before her. My nose told me it was some kind of scotch or other hard liquor. I was never much of a drinker so it really didn’t tempt me at all.

“What are you doing?” I made sure my voice had no undertone of condemnation.

“I thought it would make me feel better.” She whispered brokenly.

“Oh Fame.” I whispered, putting my hand on her shoulder.

“I didn’t do it.”

“Do what?” I asked, confused.

“I couldn’t drink it. I didn’t do it.” Then she lunged at me and I pulled her into a hug. “I didn’t do it Kat. I couldn’t. I imagined that girl Brooklyn and so many other people that have told me that my sobriety encouraged them to quit too. I was so close though. If you hadn’t have found me, I don’t know what would have happened. I can’t believe I relapsed.” She blubbered into my shoulder.

“I know what would have happened. You wouldn’t have done it. How long have you been sitting here?”

“Since 4 or 4:30.”

“And you’ve sat here this whole time without drinking it. This isn’t a relapse Fame.”

“Really?” She said, looking at me with a spark of hope in her eyes.

“If you drank it then, yes I would say it was a relapse but you didn’t. But, even if you did relapse, it wouldn’t make you any less of an inspiration. It wouldn’t discredit all of your sobriety. But, the important part is you didn’t. You looked your demon in the eye for over almost 4 hours and it didn’t break you. How did you even get the drink to begin with? Jinkxy said that you left your wallet and phone in the room.”

“I had a 10 dollar bill in my jean pocket. Ohmigod Jinkxy, they must have been so upset!”

“I’m gonna text them to say you are ok and then we will take a minute before we get back.” I said pulling out my phone and punching in a text to Michelle that Fame was ok. I waved to the bartender and had him take away the mystery liquor and bring us two bottles of water.

Fame took a long swig of water and nodded. “Ok I’m ready to go up.” She closed her eyes for a minute like the world was spinning. She wasn’t ready at all.

“I’m a little stiff, would you walk with me for a minute or two so I can get the kinks out?” I could tell in her eyes that she knew what I was up to but she nodded. I handed her a napkin so she could mop up her face and then we hopped down from the bar stools.

We left out the back door to the pools, there were big stacks of fluffy white towels with blue lines on them and large amounts of sun-bathing beauties of every shape and size and ethnicity on lounge chairs that were encircling a giant aquamarine coloured pool. I was surprised they were out so early. There was a pool house bar on the other side of the pool. We strolled around the pool and back inside.

“Are you gonna be ok to go up now?” I said, trying to scan her face for the slightest hesitation. Which of course there was. I linked my arm with hers and directed us towards the elevators.

“I…I think so. I’m scared Brian. I’m so scared.”

“Me too Kurtis, me too.”


	159. Pretty Little Lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger: Addiction

Fame’s POV

I can’t believe I almost did that! I thought to myself as we rode the elevator up. We didn’t talk much but we didn’t have to. Katya seemed to understand that I needed a moment of silence to think.

Once we got up to the room Jinkxy threw themselves at me. “I’m so glad you’re ok!! Michelle said Katya found you sleeping out by the pool? Why were you out there silly! I was so worried!”

I shared a look with Katya and she nodded. I breathed a sigh of relief that I didn’t have to talk about my almost relapse with anyone, at least right now. I didn’t want to take any attention away from why we were together.

“Yeah…” I said, uncertain sounding so I repeated myself, “YES I did. It was silly of me. I couldn’t sleep so I was watching the sun come up.”

“I thought so. Your bed looked too messy for you to have gotten much sleep. Did you get any?”

“A bit, mostly stops and starts though. I texted back and forth with Patrick for a bit. I know you are a sound sleeper Jinkxy but I didn’t want to call him and risk waking you up.”

“Hunny you should have just woken me up!! Or left a note! Or took your phone? Pick one!” Jinkxy said slightly manically, letting out a little laugh at the end.

“I’m so sorry Jinkxy, I didn’t plan on being gone long! I swear.” I said, patting them on the back until they let me go.

“It’s alright, I’m just glad that you are ok! That is all that matters!”

“I’m ok, I promise Jinkxy.”

I went over to the bed where Katya pulled me down beside her. Giving my arm a reassuring squeeze.

“T minus ten minutes.” Pearl said grimly and everyone nodded. “What do we do til then?” He said looking like his brain was about to overload with anxiety.  
“We can tell you about the cutest girl that brought us our food last night?” I offered, thinking that it would at least take up a few minutes of our time waiting.


	160. Starbucks and Smooches

Violet’s POV

The line must have been long at starbucks today. I knew that usually meant Danny would sneak off to have a little cry, I’m not a complete idiot. I keep meaning to bring it up but there never seemed to be an appropriate time. While he was gone, I managed to get dressed and brush my teeth. So when he walked back in with a smile on his face and non-bloodshot eyes, I knew that the long line-up was real this time.

“Hello princesses, I forgot to ask for sizes before I left so I got you both the big-gulp equivalent.” Danny says plunking a plastic cup and a straw on Lucy’s table. He dropped this massive paper cup in front of me. I held it close to me for warm feeling of comfort for a moment and then put it on the table.

“Thank you hunny.” I said, sticking my face up and puckering my lips for a kiss.

“I haven’t brushed my teeth yet.” He said, looking disgusted.

“Daniel Anthony Noriega, get your fucking face down here this instant or I’m gonna get you!” I said sternly but with a smile.

He set his coffee with a caramel shot down painfully slow and came over. He hovered close to my face but JUST out of reach with a giant smile on his face. So I did what anyone would do. I grabbed a handful of his shirt and pulled him down. His soft lips melted into mine.

“Alright you two, get a room! WITHOUT a roommate.” Lucy teased, laughing.

We pulled apart, pouting.

“Sorry Luce” I said with a little giggle.

“It’s ok. Maybe I’ll get kissed one day and you two can bug me about it.” She said and her smile was tinged with sadness.

“WAIT!” Danny said staring at Lucy, making us jump.

“What?”

“Last night, you were about to tell me what Fredrick said to you!”

“Oh that!” Lucy’s eyes were bright. “He said, he likes hanging out with me and that we should do it again. Just the two of us!” She clapped her hands and jumped around in her bed, it reminded me of Jinkxy when they were excited.

“You remind me of our friend Jinkxy, they like to bounce and clap when they are excited too. That is so amazing Lucy!! I could tell he really liked you.” Danny said, smiling from ear to ear.

My alarm went off, warning me that I had 5 minutes to set up the laptop before our call with the girls.

Before I could jump up and pull out my laptop, Danny beat me to it with a smile on his face. I knew the other queens had been bugging him for the results and I told him that he could tell them but he said that it was my good news to share and that I had gone through so much to get here, that it was my job and mine alone.

I was excited to tell my friends. I felt a small smile form on my lips as I hugged my hot chocolate to my chest. Occasionally taking a sip of the sweet, warm, comforting liquid.

Here we go! I thought of Rupaul for a second and this came to mind: Violet Chachki, the time has come for you to tell your friends they’re stuck with you for life! And DON’T fuck it up!


	161. Pay no attention to Purple

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long between submitting chapters. Please be patient with me!! Feedback is my air!

Michelle’s POV

After Fame told us the story of the girl named Brooklyn, we just talked in pairs and small groups.

“We all have to be on or near this bed,” Pearl said, pointing to my bed. “In order for them to see all of us.”

Everyone converged onto my bed. I was leaning against the headboard by the bedside desk so I could finish my much needed coffee. Katya piled on the bed and sat next to me, leaning on the headboard and folding her arms behind her head. Where Katya went, Alaska followed and pulled Fame up between the two of them like a little Fame sandwich and holding onto the nervous queen’s hand. Something just wasn’t adding up with the whole I fell asleep by the pool scenario. There was something deeper behind Fame’s eyes today than her regular emotional demeanour. There was something darker that she was trying to hide and it made me very nervous. B sat in the chair by Fame.

Jinkxy couldn’t stay still, they were too fidgety to actually sit on the bed so they perched on the side of the bed directly in front of me. I prodded them with my foot and tried to give them a reassuring look. Willam was on his side sprawled with his feet over to B’s side and Sharon was doing the same but on the opposite side.

Phi Phi was currently pacing but when she did sit, she was perched like Jinkxy. Pearl sat on the very corner of the bed, looking down at her hands.   
Katya reached over and grabbed my hand and gave it a squeeze. I smiled at her.

Pearl’s laptop started ringing making most of us jump. Thankfully, my coffee was almost empty or Katya and I would have been wearing it. Pearl jumped up and clicked the answer button and Vi and Adore’s faces were in front of us.

“Hey gaaays!” Vi said, with their customary cocky grin. It was nice to see it again.

All of us rifled off our heys and hellos.

Adore and Vi were sitting on a sofa, her arm around their shoulder protectively. They both looked so thin. I couldn’t tell the news from their faces.

“So?” Pearl said quietly, “what’s happening Vi?”  
“Well…” they paused and then both of their faces broke into smiles and Vi raised their arms. “I’m good!! I have to stay here for another week or two and then I have to do some oral chemo at home for a few weeks and then I should be ok!!”

The room was deafening with cheers.

Katya and Alaska hugged Fame between them while Fame cried happy tears into her hands. Phi Phi had stood up and pulled B into a hug. Both looked surprised at being in each other’s arms. Jinkxy pulled me into a hug, their face glistening with tears and their smile radiant.

“Boy you guys are noisy!” A ginger haired girl with oxygen popped into the side of view. She had a charming lil southern twang to her voice. “How’s a girl supposed to get any homework done!” She plopped down beside them. “Which is fine because I don’t wanna do it and my roommate who offered to tutor me is otherwise occupied.” She smirked at Vi.

“Hey Lucy!” Pearl said, waving.

“Roommate?” Katya said, cocking her head to the side.

“Yeah she is stuck with me AND with your homework. Get you! Get started and I’ll help you check your answers. Ok?”

“Alright already! I HATE math. Bye gang!” She waved.

“Bye Lucy!” We all said laughing.

“So you are offering tutoring services now too?” B asked.

“Since when do you have a roommate? Why aren’t you in your old room?” Jinkx asked at the same time as B spoke.

“Well I’m REALLY good at math and I have a roommate because something happened with my insurance.”

“WHAT?!” I said, immediately formulating who I had to get a hold of to get things back on track.

“Woah woah Michelle, down mama bear, down!” Vi joked with their hands out. “It got resolved but by then I didn’t feel like moving and having a roommate is actually pretty fun!”

“Awww” we heard Lucy say and then giggle madly.

“Plus I get to get all the up to date info on Lucy’s boyfriend.” Vi teased, they looked on top of the world. Looking around the room, we all looked pretty on top of the world.

“Oh shush you!” Lucy said offscreen. “Pay no attention to purple over there! They don’t know what they are talking about!”

Fame let out a snort, “Purple!”

“Shut up!” Vi said with her own giggle.  
Adore was smiling but she looked shell shocked or something. Like she hadn’t slept in 20 years.

“How ya doing Adore?” I piped up.

“Oh I’m fine!” She said and yawned, “Maybe a little tired.”

“Yeah he is too much of a romantic to leave me here at night even though I’m fucking 21.” Vi said with a grin, resting their cheek on Adore’s shoulder.

“Hey! Watch your fucking mouth over there! For fucks sake! I’m JUST a CHILD!” Lucy said with another peal of giggles. I think I like that kid.

We all laughed, Vi and Adore both cracked up. It felt good to laugh. Like we could finally have a little bit of breathing room, like we’d all been holding our breath.

“So when do you think you’ll be stinking up the tour bus again Vi? We miss your stoned antics too Adore.” Willam teased.

“Well it will depend on how the rest of my time here goes and the home chemo and another test and then a few months of rest without ralphing everyday and I should be back in 4ish months. If everything goes as planned, which we often know things don’t.” Vi shrugged and looked around. “Obviously.”

“So after New Years-ish?” Jinkxy said, doing her clapping and bouncing around.

“That’s the plan!” Vi said, smiling from ear to ear.

More cheers abounded.

“Ok gang, I have a group to go to. From what I know, you have a bus to get on soon. Get out there and give the fans our love. WE love you guys so much! I’m sorry we have to go, I didn’t think they would be making me go to group after just getting back on the ward but c'est le vie! Actually I have to go, Danny doesn’t! Why don’t you stay and chat love?” Vi pointed out, looking at Adore well…adoringly.

“Sure but I wanna walk you to group.” Adore looked at them.

“It’s ok! You don’t have to!”  
Adore looked at us and matter-of-factl- said “ I have to accompany my royal highnesses to their group and then I’ll be right back.”

“Ok! Bye Vi!!” We all waved as a smiling Vi went off screen, Adore following them. I would have never taken Vi for a group person but if they really hated it, they wouldn’t be doing it. I’m sure it’s not compulsory for someone their age but it was another example of just how wrong people were about Violet being a bitch. We were all hugging each other when Adore popped back on the screen.

“Hi guys!” She said and waved dorkily.

“Hi ‘Dory!” Willam said, waving back.

“Hey Adore, how are you doing?” B said, I knew that Adore held a very special place in his heart.

“Hey B! I’m doing…” She yawned, “ok! Ecstatic about the news obviously.” She smiled widely.

“We all are Adore!” Fame choked out, she was still happy crying in a Kat and 'Lasky sandwich.

“Aww Famey! You are so sweet!!”

“I’m so happy.” Fame hiccoughed and continued, “at the news!! I was so worried!!”

Adore yawned again and I furrowed my brows in worry. Adore looked like she had lost 20 to 30 pounds and her eyes had taken a sunken, haunted look but the edges were still smiling.

“Adore, are you getting any sleep?” I asked.

“Oh yeah, I usually get some sleep but last night wasn’t a good night for sleeping.”

“Why not?” Jinkx asked quietly, almost as if they didn’t really want to know but couldn\t help asking.

Adore sighed and looked down. “Vi had a nightmare.”

“Again?! Cassie?” Katya said, making me jump.

Adore just nodded, “hopefully it’s just a one time thing now.”

“What do you mean now?” Sharon asked.

“Oh uh…I mean because they haven’t had one in a while so hopefully it’s a one time thing.” Adore was such a bad liar.

“Adore you know that you suck at lying. What’s up?”

Adore looked awkward for a minute and said, “oh because with their blast level going down, the nightmares should be stopping soon and we thought they had stopped totally but then they had one.” Adore punctuated the sentence with a yawn. “Sorry guys, I have no idea why I keep yawning.”

“Well we have to go anyway, right Michelle?” B said, giving me a just-agree-with-me look.

“Oh yeah we should be getting ready to go and some of us still need breakfast so yeah it’s time for us to go but we can do this in every city if you two want us to!” I suggested.

“Yeah! That would be great and soon I can take them home and we can facetime you from home. Bye guys!!” Adore smiled, “thanks for waiting to find out the good news from Vi, it meant a lot to them.”

Pearl went to the laptop while all of us shouted our goodbyes and waved, she clicked the off button and turned around with a single tear trailing down her face and a huge smile on her face, “in the words of Jasmine Masters..I’m so happy, I’m just shitting out happiness right now!” She joked and we all cracked up. I liked this new Pearl.


	162. Group Focus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait my loves! I have friends visiting from France (I feel so fucking fancy saying that) so I've been busy with that and too mentally exhausted from translating to write. I'm so sorry for the wait! As usual, let me know what you think!

Violet’s POV

Adore walked Lucy and I to group, Lucy was in her green chair so I was pushing her. Lucy was fiercely independent but when I offered to push her, she must have seen something in my face for her to say yes. Lucy was a remarkably perceptive person. I was happy to have her chair to hold onto as my legs occasionally went all jello-y on me. I didn’t want Danny to worry anymore than he already did. He was the dutiful and adoring boyfriend and carried our drinks for us.

We were almost the first ones there, the only person before us was Dr Maria, the moderator therapist type person.

Shay came in sluggishly but her thin face smiled when she saw me. “Hey look who’s back!” She said, hugging me and almost falling on my lap, she recovered enough of her footing to plunk down on the seat beside me. She was wearing a simple dress again but this one was flower patterned, which wasn’t something she usually wore. She played with a hospital bracelet around her small olive skinned wrist.

“That dress looks nice on you!”

“Oh thanks,” her eyes sparked with the compliment, “it’s new! A lady at my Synagogue made it for me!! This hat is made by the community in Israel where my friend is spending a year! They sent it with a letter from everyone there! There had to have been 50 or 60 get well wishes! Enough to put in a book. It was cool.”

“I see you have joined Lucy and I’s gang?” I joked, twisting my own white hospital bracelet around.

“Ah yeah, it’s just to get me on a week or so of chemo to give me a bit more time to find a transplant. There is someone who is a partial match so if a full match doesn’t come up, we can try that. It’s just harder on the body if it’s a 3 out of 5 instead of a 5 out of 5.” She didn’t seem upset that she was talking about her possibly imminent death but then again looks can be deceiving.

“My video about donating has been seen almost 400,000 times, my original tweet about it has been shared 37,000 times and I’m sure people have written new tweets and shared it on facebook so hopefully we will find you one.”

“That many times!! That’s AMAZING! Not just for me but for all the people who need one!”

“It pays to be friends with an internationally renowned celebrity!” Lucy quipped.

I shrugged. “What can I say? I do what I can!” I joked back.

There was a tap, tap, tap and Kyle came through the door with a girl. Maybe a sister or girlfriend or volunteer I guess. It really didn’t matter. Kyle had a thick band of gauze surrounding the top of his head. His face was swollen and bruised but he was smiling. He had a white and red cane he was using to find his way into the room, the girl hovered close by in case he lost his footing.

“Hey Kyle, nice to have you back with us! Jason, Shaindel and Lucy are already here with us.” Dr Maria said as the girl helped him sit.

“Hi ladies! This is my sister, Rose.”  
Rose turned around and waved. “Hi.” She turned back to Kyle. “So I’ll be back in an hour and a half ok? Text me if you need me to come by earlier.”

He nodded and she high tailed it out of the room. He shrugged, “Sorry, My sister is kinda shy. I’m surprised she didn’t recognize you Jason, then she would have shit her pants!” He said excitedly and then frowned, “Er…sorry for the language Dr Nunez!”

She laughed, “It’s ok Kyle and I’m pretty sure it’s safe to say that we’ve all heard it before but maybe if one of the younger teens come, a different word choice would be preferred.”

“Ok got it! I have good news but I’ll wait until we are all here!”

Abigail’s white blonde haired head bounded around the corner. She was smiling from ear to ear when she saw me and Kyle. “Welcome back you two!” She squealed and sat beside Kyle, putting a hand on his knee. He jumped a mile and she apologized profusely until they were both giggling. What the heck is that about? Abigail still hadn’t moved her hand and that’s when I clued in. Were they dating? I’d have to ask Lucy for the dish later.

Frederick came in shortly thereafter while I was still trying to figure out if Abigail and Kyle were together. This was the first time I had actually seen more than the profile of his face in the dim light of the games room. He was tall and slim with short strawberry blonde hair that was long at the top and short on the sides. It looked like he put effort into styling it. As soon as he saw Lucy, he smiled, his angular face totally transforming. His fingers were impossibly long and I idly wondered if he played piano.  
Lucy’s face changed when she saw him lope over and sit down beside her. He looked fragile and rugged at the same time. Without the hospital bracelet, he looked like you might see him hiking or being outdoorsy.

“Hey Frederick! How ya doin’ today?” Lucy seemed to twang extra hard when she was happy or excited.

“I’m doing ok, how about you Lucy?”

“I’m good.” She said with a little grin.

Matt walked in with Maddox, the young boy needed the nurses support to walk as he was very unsteady. Maybe he is stubborn like me and didn’t want to use a wheelchair. I never really noticed just how small he was. He looked more like he should be around 10. He was a fairly sick shade of green so I didn’t have to ask if he had started chemo already. I guess it hit some people harder I thought but who was I kidding, I knew I looked like shit myself so I really couldn’t judge him now, could I?

Matt was Matt, his regular effervescent almost annoyingly over enthusiastic self.

We didn’t really have to go around and introduce ourselves much except for Frederick, I kinda almost felt bad for the kid as he turned a violent shade of red.

“Hi I’m Frederick, I’m 16 and I have a brain tumour on my pituitary. The big name for it is cranio..something.” He cleared his throat.

“Craniopharingioma.” Matt said helpfully.

“Yeah that. I’m having surgery for it in a few days once we get some of my other health stuff sorted out.”

Lucy shared a look with me as if to say “what the hell? I didn’t know he had any other health problems!” And for Lucy not to know the dish on something, I’m guessing it was probably a foreign feeling for her. I would have to check and see how she felt later. I hope Frederick’s problems were minor. I knew that Lucy really liked him and I hated to see her get hurt.

“One cool thing I found out is that they’re not going to cut my head open, Instead they’re going to go through my nose, Isn’t that cool? I guess it’s kind of gruesome but it’s less gruesome than getting your head chopped open!” He said, turning red.aa

“It is crazy what they can do now days!” Lucy said cheerfully.

“Nice to meet you Frederick!” Shay said with a bright smile on her sallow face. Shea was always cheerful, she attributed it to her strong faith. “I’ll give you the short introduction. I’m Shay, acute myeloid leukemia. Second occurrence, I’m 16 and waiting for a stem cell transplant match.”

Kyle spoke up next, “hi I’m Kyle! My eyes are covered for now because I just had surgery. I do have some good news however, as most of you guys know I lost my left eye and they prepared me to lose my right eye but it looks like I’m probably still going to be able to see out of it! Even if it’s just a little bit. I have retinoblastoma and I’m 22.”

Matt was next to Kyle so he decided to go next, “hi Frederick you already know that I am Matt and I am also a medulloblastoma survivor and I’ve been in remission for four years and I’m 23.”

Abigail smiled, she leaned her elbows onto her knees and cupped her face in her hands and looked at Frederick. “I am Abigail I have been in remission from acute myeloid leukemia for six months, I am 24.”

“Hi I’m Maddox,” he said in a hushed voice, his voice was just starting to change so there were cracks in his voice when he spoke. “I am new too, I am a 14 and I have a non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma.”  
Maddox was a person of few words. He pushed his glasses up on his nose and I marveled again at how much he looked like Harry Potter.

“Well we’ve already met.” Lucy said blushing. That’s all she said so I’m imagining that her and Frederick have talked about her cancer and his while they played their marathon of GTA.

I guess it was my turn? “Hi I’m Jason, some people call me Violet. I have hereditary Leukemia and my recent bone marrow aspiration showed that the treatment is working and I should be able to go home soon. Well go home to my boyfriends house… well really to his mom’s house.” I laughed. It was nice to share good news for once! “And I’m glad to be back and see you all!” I added hastily. And I meant it I really appreciated this group even though I put up a fight when I first got here.

“So, does anyone else have some good news?” Dr. Maria said. Her eyes settled on Shay for a moment, “or any news that you want to talk about really! It doesn’t have to be good necessarily.”

“I have something,” Maddox said shyly.

Dr. Maria smiled hugely in encouragement since Maddox really was incredibly shy. “We’d love to hear what you have to say Maddox!”

“Well some of you have met one of my Moms named Alexa. Well she is really my adopted Mom but that doesn’t matter. My other Mom, her name is Leslie, is coming to spend a week so my other Mom can go work on a special project! I wish they could both be here at the same time but I know that would be hard with their jobs. I’m really excited to see my Mom, well I really call her Mama so I can talk about them without using their first names because it feels really weird. So yeah… I’m really excited! And my Mom and Mama are going to both be here for two whole days!”

This was the most I ever heard Maddox speak Ever! He looked so pleased with himself.

“That is great news!” I heard myself say, I hadn’t intended to speak but I knew how much Danny and Alexa got along even though I never met her myself. Hopefully Danny and I will get to meet both of them this weekend. Danny would have to speak to Alexa when he goes to his group today.

Maddox grinned at me, I imagine he gets bullied a lot for having two Mothers so maybe having someone in the group that was gay was helpful to him in some way. I mean Matt was totally gay but obviously he didn’t talk about it with the patients.I think I would be pretty inappropriate.

“Anyone else?” Dr. Maria prodded.We were all silent so she continued, “today we are going to talk about maintaining relationships even though you might not be able to see those friends or they can't visit you. I know that when people become ill, some of the people they call friends can leave them. I know this is really hurtful so I thought we should talk about it.”

I don’t know why but this made me think of my family, no one had replied to my message for them to call me and so I just assumed they didn’t care. Or that they couldn’t put themselves through having a child with cancer again. I could somehow understand that but it didn’t make it hurt any less. A kind of zoned out for a bit. I wonder what it would be like to have my parents here, when Cassie first got sick I was so mad that she was getting more attention than me by now I wasn’t sure I wanted that type of attention and I felt bad that I was so upset about the attention she was receiving. I still, after all this time, was so confused about my family and how we had made our dysfunctionality work for so many years. I didn’t even know as a kid how dysfunctional we really were and are I guess.

Eventually I checked back into the conversation just as Lucy was talking about a friend’s that she lost. I knew that there were more than one friends that she lost and that it wasn’t due to her cancer but to the crazy cult her family belonged to. I wonder if her mother ever felt bad.   
Holy projection much Batman! Her mother didn’t really have the choice whether she could show that she cared or not. Partially because she was brainwashed just like everyone else there and partially because Lucy told me that if her mom was caught somewhere outside of the compound, that she could lose everything. Then I checked back out of the conversation again wondering about how hard it must be to love your child and not be allowed to talk to them. It was completely different than having a child die. How heart wrenching it must be for Lucy AND for her mother.

Today was not a good day for a focused Violet apparently!


	163. Brian Twisted-and-Sleepy McCook

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> has anyone heard from Doctor Professor Marcus lately? They haven't commented lately and I'm feeling kinda worried.

Katya’s point of view

We all lined up outside the bus to hug Michelle as we went on. She had finally been convinced by B and Sharon that she didn’t need to babysit us on the bus. It was also nice when she flew because she would have everything set up for us when we got there but it was mostly because her bus sickness was so bad. It’s not like Producers Entertainment didn’t make enough profits from the show to afford a flight for her. Plus she is mostly going on short cheap flights and also using air miles as often as she could because she felt bad that she needed special travel arrangements. If we had elephant darts to knock her out, then she would be ok on the bus but I had a feeling that they would be harder to get from the company than a measly ticket in a puddle jumper airplane.

“Happy flying and safe travels Michelle!” I said when it was my turn to hug her.

“See ya soon Kat, try to be good.” Michelle said with an over exaggerated look of exasperation.

“ни за что” (“i’ll never be good) I joked triumphantly and waited…3...2...1.

"KATYA WE DON’T SPEAK RUSSIAN!” Everyone said, even Alex the bus driver.

I just laughed evilly and hopped on the bus. I was hoping that they wouldn’t stop saying that after they heard me actually speaking Russian conversationally and I was glad they didn’t. It felt like we were all floating on air with how happy we all were.

I flopped down on the floor, it was my favourite place to sit. It was nice to have a much bigger bus although I’m sure it would feel smaller once everyone was on and we had been on the road for a bit. We’ll be on here for 16 hours, probably 18 with a few restaurant stops or 20 if there’s traffic. We had food on the bus but it was more like snack type and cold foods so we liked to stop every once in a while to eat something that wasn’t packaged in a factory in Podunk.

‘Lasky got on after he hugged Michelle, he sank down beside me and then laid on the floor, curled up on his side, putting his head in my lap. I petted his head and then drew things with my finger just barely touching his head. I got the desired effect as he wriggled and squirmed. I stopped and put my hand on his shoulder. I felt him sigh deeply, a smile on his face.  
I knew he was fighting sleep, so after we all stood or sat near the window and waved to Michelle like we were kids on the Hogwart’s express I knew that I had to act fast since once he sat down, it would be harder to get him up again.

I grabbed Justin’s hand and led him past the kitchen, grabbing a few granola bars and water bottles on the way by.  
“Where are we going?” He said with a little giggle.

“Wellll, you are exhausted and you haven’t really kept any food down the past few days so I thought we could eat some granola bars and drink this water and then we could hop in your bunk since it’s in the middle and watch a movie? They have ipad holders on the roofs of the bunks so you don’t have to hold it! I noticed when I threw my shit in my bunk.” I said, reaching into my bunk above Lasky’s and pulling out my new ipad and waving it around.  
He bent down to see the clips and exclaimed, “That’s cool! I hadn’t even noticed! You are so observant Bri!” He climbed into the bunk and pulled me in after him.  
I made him eat and then we settled in to watch the Golden girls on Hulu. Thank God for wifi! I was on my back with my arm stretched out and he curled in beside me, putting his head in the crook my shoulder. I gave him a kiss on the very top of his head and then one on his lips as we started to watch.  
“This is actually my favourite episode!” I said.  
“Mine too! Dorothy with the knife to Sophia’s throat is so twisted and creepy.”

“That’s kinda my favourite part, so you are kind of dating twisted and creepy. It’s actually my middle name, hyphenated of course.”

“Brian twisted-and-creepy McCook?” He laughed.

“That’s me!” I joked.

We settled back down to watch and within about 5 minutes, Justin was sound asleep.  
Aw! He missed the twisted and creepy part. I ended up missing it to as I fell asleep shortly after, smiling to myself.


	164. Hogbodies and brain freeze

I’m so sorry for the wait! It’s been a crazy busy few weeks, still is but I'm editing this on my phone during a roadtrip. Enjoy this pointless filler chapter! lol. I promise that I'll start posting again. I gotta finish this story!

Adore’s Point of view

I smiled as I waved goodbye and clicked the off button on facetime. I yawned again. I guess I should take the time well I know Violet has company to have a nap. I put the computer on the side table and stretched out on the sofa bed. My knee cracking painfully. I rolled on my side and fell asleep almost as soon as I hit the pillow as they say.

I hadn’t meant to sleep so long but I woke up three hours later. I scrubbed the sleep out of my eyes as I rolled over to say sorry to Violet for oversleeping, they were sound asleep themselves. I didn’t know how long they had been asleep or how I hadn’t heard them come in but I did notice Lucy reading the book she was reading last night.

Lucy noticed I was awake mostly because Lucy notices everything. She smiled and pulled out her phone.

Lucy- good morning sunshine!

Me-why y'all keep stealing my line?

Lucy-sorry not sorry!

Me- sometimes, I regret showing you season five of drag race. You’ve picked up way too many of Detox’s catchphrases

Lucy- You never let me have any fun! I’ve had it, OFFICIALLY!!!

me- you are totally incorrigible! 

Lucy-I know and you know that you love it!

Me-I totally do! I am so glad that I’ve met you.

Lucy- I am glad I met you too! Not many people can say that they have shared a room with two internationally famous entertainers! And more importantly awesome people!

Me- we are not really famous, we are GAYmous!

Lucy- very funny you!

Me- how long have they been asleep?

They were hooked up to their afternoon chemo. The remnants of a lunch tray were on the table, a plastic dome over the plate.

Lucy-vabout an hour and a half 

me-and that they ate something? Sorry I know that you’re not responsible for them. I’m just wondering cause you seem to notice everything

Lucy- yeah I think they ate most of the sandwich and drank an ensure and I think they had a bite or two of the jello or whatever it is. Mystery gelatinous substance… it could’ve been pudding. I don’t know.

Me-you didn’t eat?

Lucy- I wasn’t feeling up to it. I’m gonna order something later probably. I think my body is preparing itself again for more chemo. :(

me- oh that sucks! I’m sorry babe. At least you aren’t alone right now.

Lucy- I’m kind of used to being alone but it’s nice to have company. Well hopefully… I mean who likes company that ralphs a lot?

Me- We don’t mind, it's not your fault

Lucy-that’s good. I will order something in a bit. As I think you noticed yesterday, I’m a little thin.

Me- thin? You? I hadn’t noticed. 

She looked up at me and I smiled, she rolled her eyes.

Lucy- you’re so full of shit your eyes are brown!

Me- Aw you noticed my eyes! How is the book?

Lucy- just as addictive as yesterday! Thanks for closing the book and saving my place last night.

Me- no problem I know how frustrating it is when you lose your place in a book!

Lucy- you like to read?

Me- well I haven’t before but I do now. We haven’t really been your roommates for too long but Vi and I often take turns reading Harry Potter books out-loud.

Lucy- awww that’s so fucking cute. You two are nauseatingly adorable.

Me- yeah we kinda are, aren't we?

Lucy- totally. I gotta go to school soon, are you gonna be ok by yourself because I can TOTALLY stay here.

Me- oh no you don’t Missy! Did you get all your homework done?

Lucy- yep.

Me- good!

Lucy- yep lol

Me- smart-ass

Lucy grinned widely from her bed.  
Lucy- YEP!! Have you eaten anything today?

Me- nope not yet. I’m not really hungry.

Lucy- too bad, so sad, go get something while I’m still here. There is ginger ale and chocolate milk and cheese and crackers in the little caregivers kitchenette. I know because I sneak in there sometimes. I mean I know they are an adult and don’t need someone with them all the time but it’s no fun to wake up with no one to talk to 

Me- true, ok I’ll be right back. 

I went to the kitchen and opened the fridge. There were some sandwiches in the back so I grabbed an egg sandwich and a can of ginger ale. It was nice, there was a bunch of good Samaritans who came by every few days to drop off some food for the parents and other caregivers. What they brought tended to vary depending on who was preparing the food. I didn’t often take advantage of it because I’m not a parent. I don’t have a child that I can’t be away from. Me not being away from Vi was as much for my comfort as it was for them. 

I tried to think the last time I ate, it was last night with my Mom and even then, I didn’t eat much I just wasn’t hungry. I was averaging a meal a day and a shit tonne of coffee and I knew I needed to start eating more regularly. I just didn’t really want to. I knew people were worried about me but I wish they wouldn’t because Vi should be getting people’s attention, not me. Plus I have my hog body to nourish me when I forget to eat.

I went back to the room just as Lucy was getting ready to head out. She was using her crutches, her oxygen backpack looked bigger than her. 

“Hey do you need me to carry your books?” I whispered.

“Aw so gallant! No I just have to take this,” She whispered back, holding a slim folder. “I have another set of books in the classroom.”

“Oh that’s a really good idea!”

“I thought it was too, when I first used my crutched I tried using a bag but it threw me off kilter too much. The folder is pretty light and I put my work into a binder I keep there in my cupboard.”

“You guys got it all worked out!” 

“I think we got most of it so far.”

“Good. I’m glad you can go to school now.”

“Oh me too, I hadn’t been to school since I was 12 before they pulled me from the compound.”

“Yikes.”

“Amen to that! Bye Danny, you eat that!” she hissed with a stern look.

“Yes Mother!” I said, saluting her and she giggled quietly. 

I folded in the sofa and sat down with a soft ooof, I unwrapped the sandwich carefully, opening the ginger ale. I didn’t realize how thirsty I was, I downed almost all of the can and then buried my face in the pillow as I let out a huge burp.

I held my breath. Vi slept on. Whew.

I nibbled on the corner of the sandwich, I ate around the crust first. It tasted like cardboard in comparison to my Mama’s sandwiches but nothing could really compare to them. I got most of the way through the first half but I just couldn’t finish it.  
Maybe my stomach has shrunk? Is that possible? I threw the rest in the bin and downed the remaining dribble of ginger ale. I should have gotten some water from the water and ice machine but I didn’t want to leave them alone in case they had a nightmare again. I wouldn’t forgive myself if that happened! 

Of course, once I started thinking about how thirsty I was, it got so much worse. Luckily, Matt poked his head in. He went to leave again not to wake them but I flailed my arms wildly and padded over to the door in my sock feet. I stepped just outside of the room.

“Hey Matt, Vi had another nightmare last night so I don’t want to leave them alone but I feel like I’m super dehydrated so can you sit in here for a minute while I go get water in case they wake up?” 

He smiled, “Of course I can! Hold out your hand for me?” I gave him a weird look but put my hand out palm side up. He chuckled, turned it over and gave it a pinch, my skin stayed up like a little tent until I pulled my hand away and rubbed it. “You are definitely dehydrated, get some water in you. If it doesn’t help, I’ll break the rules and put an IV in and pump you up like a water balloon. Ok?” 

I smiled and nodded and he slipped into Vi’s room.  
I almost ran to the kitchen, I pulled the biggest Styrofoam cup I could find and filled it with ice water and grabbed a straw and was about to leave then I reconsidered and grabbed a second cup. I was REALLY thirsty and I did NOT want an IV or for Matt to get fired.

When I got back, Matt was just finishing with disconnecting Vi’s chemo, he wiggled his fingers at me in a VERY gay wave as he left the room.

I sat down and downed half of one of the cups, then held my head, rolled on my side and tried not to groan as I was attacked by a vicious bout of brain freeze. Well that was stupid!!

When it subsided, I sipped a bit more. Then I picked up the latest Harry Potter book, curled up on the sofa and cracked it open, my eyes started to droop by the time I turned the page. My eyes slid closed as I rested the book on my chest and was pulled back down to sleep. Just a few minutes.


	165. Lights out, no one's home

Jinkxy’s point of view

Most of the Queen’s had gone to their Bunks to have a sleep. Katya and Alaska were the first to disappear. Willam slunk back next, followed by Pearl. I’m not quite sure when Bianca and Phi Phi disappeared. 

So it was just Sharon, Fame and me and I wasn’t quite sure how long Sharon would be lasting since she had been nodding off in the corner since we got on the bus. Fame was puttering around in the kitchen. 

I was texting back and forth with Richard AKA Major Scales. He was enjoying his vacation but being very prolific with writing new songs. I was excited to hear them when I got back.

I was busy staring at my phone when, all of a sudden, Fame plunked a plate in front of me.  
“Oh my goodness, what is this!” I exclaimed in surprise. I had a dinner plate in front of me with a veritable feast. There was some hummus and pita bread, some red peppers and cucumbers and half of what appeared to be a turkey wrap.

Fame put her plate down beside me and put a third plate beside Sharon, almost tiptoeing around as she came and sat by me.

“Well… I don’t know about you but I didn’t have any breakfast! I was just too nervous…”

I nodded. “Me too. I’m so relieved!” My stomach growled. “And very hungry apparently!” I said with a quiet laugh.

We ate in a companionable silence for a bit. Then Sharon, let out a loud snore and woke herself up. We giggled as Sharon looked around blearily.   
She saw the plate of food, “is this for me?” She said with a look of surprise at the kind gesture. It wouldn’t have been a surprise if she knew it was Fame’s doing. Fame was kindness personified.

“Yeah! I didn’t know if you had eaten or not.”

“Aww that’s so nice! Thank you!”

“You’re welcome! The wrap is veggies and that grated soy cheese stuff, which I tasted and it’s not as bad as I thought it would be!"

"Yeah this is my favorite! Thanks Fame. I’m sorry I was such bad company, I just didn’t sleep very well last night.”

“Well after you are finished you should go hop in your bunk and have a rest. I’ll clean the dishes!” I said brightly, I was just finishing with my plate of food. I yawned, “I think I’ll have a nap too. I don’t think many of us got a good night sleep last night.”

“Yes you are probably right.” Sharon conceded. “I think I may be got two hours of sleep last night. It wasn’t even two hours in a row!” 

“I tried but I just couldn’t get comfortable,” Fame confided.

“I know, I saw you flopping around in the bed.” I teased.

“oh my God!” Miss Fame said looking worried, “did I keep you awake?!”

I threw my head back and laughed, “No gurl, you have to sleep to be woken up. I think I did fall asleep at some point obviously when you went out of the room. You didn’t get any sleep at all?” I asked. 

She turned pink but just shook her head back and forth. “Not even a minute.”

“Leave your plate there and I will take it to the kitchen and wash it and you go to bed now.” 

Fame yawned loudly and nodded her head, "okay I’m going to take you up on that offer. Does anyone know which bunk is mine because I forget.“

"You are on the left side closest to the back lounge Willam is in the middle row of the bunks so you can choose to go above or below him.” Sharon said, stuffing the last huge bite of her wrap in her mouth.

“Thank you Sharon, are you sure you don’t want me to stay up and help you with the dishes Jinkxy?”

“No Fame, I got this, you go ahead! I won’t be far behind you.”

Sharon and Fame deposited their dishes in the kitchen on the way to their bunks.

I finished the last of the wrap, after that I went up to the front of the bus to see if Alex our driver needed anything.

“No, no Jinkxy. Thank you though. You’re so sweet!” he rumbled in his gruff voice. “You go ahead and get some shuteye my dear.”

“Okay thanks!”

It only took about a minute to wash the three plates that we have used for our lunch. I went and got into my bunk, it was warm and the sheets were cool against my skin. It smelled like the sheets had been washed and left on the line somewhere. Maybe I was just losing it by that point from lack of sleep. 

Across from me, Katya and Alaska were both in Alaska’s bunk and they looked adorable all squished together, their limbs were tangled. I quietly shut my curtain and it was beautifully dark. I didn’t even get a chance to think about anything. Lights out, no one's home.


	166. Nameless goofs

Adore's Point of view

I took one last look of Violet’s sleeping face before I rounded the corner, I really didn’t want to go but Matt promised he would check in on them regularly and I trusted that he would. Lucy would be back before long as well. I wasn't a fan of the group time being so close to dinner but I understood it might be difficult for parents and caregivers to get there if they were working.

It seemed like a long time since I had been at group because of everything going down lately. I was there a bit early but Selene was there too, she jumped up as soon as she saw me and pulled me into a tight hug, "Bonjour mon amour, how are you? I've missed you so! Oh mon dieu! Your hand!"

"Hiya Selene, I KNOW! It feels like it has been forever since we had last spoken to each other instead of it just being the past few meetings. My hand is ok! Don’t worry!” I reassured her, flailing my casted arm around.

"And how is Violet doing now?" a look of concern marring her perfect face.

"They're much better. We even came to the games room, with Lucy and her new little friend, to play some video games yesterday which was so much fun."

"Oh good!!"

"And how is Luc?" Her son Luc has the same cancer as Lucy does.

"He is good, thank you for asking!!" She smiled brightly and clapped her hands together, "They are saying we may be able to take him home next week!"

"That is AMAZING news!! I'm so very happy for him and you!"

She smiled and nodded, before we could chat any longer, Alexa walked in, holding the hand of a petite raven haired woman.

"Hi!! I am assuming you are Leslie?" I asked, closing the distance between her and I.

"Yes I am! I wanna say you are Danny?" I nodded and she pulled me into a hug. Then she got a quizzical look on her face as she pulled away, "has anyone ever told you that you could be the identical twin of one of my favourite drag queens? Her name is Adore Delano, She was on a popular drag competition reality show called Rupaul’s Drag Race, if you haven't heard of it." Alexa was grinning behind her.

"Wow!! I love her too! I know her actually!"

"REALLY? I'd love to meet her sometime if she is around! If it’s not too much trouble."

I laughed and stuck my hand out for her to shake it and she looked confused for a moment but finally shook it. "Hi I'm Adore Delano, slef love is important and It's so nice to finally meet you!" 

"Oh my gosh! REALLY?? You're REALLY Adore?"

"Yep I really am and Violet Chachki is just down the hall." I grinned, bemused at the shocked expression on her face.

"You gotta be shitting me!" she blurted and then covered her mouth, "Sorry, I saw they were being treated for cancer on youtube. Sorry about the swearing,” she looked around red-faced at everyone for a minute and then turned back to me. “I should know better than to swear since I'm in a kid’s hospital. Hey wait...uh...why are YOU GUYS at a children's hospital?" 

"Well it's a bit of a long story. The Dr in New York that diagnosed them sent them to an oncologist here that deals with their rare type of cancer, but Dr Bailey only has rights to treat here so here is where we came."

"Makes sense. I can't believe I'm talking to you! Pinch me."

I giggled and playfully pinched her arm. "Well believe it baby!"

Olive came in and introduced herself to Leslie. "Ok gang, why don't we begin?"

"Wait," I said. "What about Grayson?"

Olive's face fell, "Grayson's daughter has taken a turn for the worse and he said he would much rather spend that time with her. Which of course is understandable! Keep them in your thoughts and prayers."

We all nodded slowly, all of us dreading the possibility that that could be us someday. 

The meeting was subdued. At the end of it, I told Alex and Leslie I would call their son’s room if and when Vi was up to visitors as I didn’t want them to just come with me since Vi was having chemo again and I didn’t know how they would be feeling. I knew how sensitive Vi can be about their appearance sometimes. 

Surprisingly, when I tiptoed into the room, Vi was sitting up chatting with Lucy, unhooked from chemo but not quite green yet. Ross bucket was lying on the bed near Vi’s crossed legs. They didn’t see me but I saw them, Lucy must have said something funny because they threw their head back in their characteristic laugh that made my stomach get butterflies like riding a roller coaster. Their eyes flicked to me and they smiled, beckoning me forward with one finger and like a fish on a hook I followed with a goofy smile I couldn’t and wouldn’t shake.

Lucy is sitting and there is a boy sitting beside Lucy that wasn’t Frederick. He had ginger hair that was spiked up, he was wearing dark jeans, a loose diamond-patterned pale emerald short-sleeved button-up shirt and a silver bow-tie. As soon as he saw me, he stood up and wiped his hands on his jeans.

“Hi! Nice to meet you! Do you prefer Danny or Adore?” He twanged.

“You forgot to tell him your name goof!” Lucy laughed, she looked radiant.

“Er...sorry! I’m Samuel, Lucy’s brother. Sorry I haven’t been here yet to meet you.” He was holding his breath, I wondered if it was because he was nervous that I knew he was trans. Like that even fucking mattered...well it mattered but it didn’t matter. 

“Hey man.” I said, he put out his hand to shake and then switched when he saw my cast. He chuckled, the ice was broken as he sat back down beside Lucy who was beaming crazily up at her brother. It honestly made me wanna cry with how sweet it was.

Violet reached their hand out and pulled me to sit beside them

“You forgot to tell him your name goof!” Violet repeated Lucy’s earlier statement.

“Oh yeah!” I smacked my forehead, “sorry Samuel! Either is fine with me. Half the time Vi and I call each other by our drag names because we both answer to which ever! So you’re home!! Welcome back! Lucy has told us a lot about you.”

“All horrible stuff. I’ve told them nothing but horrible things.” Lucy deadpanned.

“I would expect anything less of you lil sister.” He chuckled, ruffling her hair like a big brother should.

She squirmed out of the way, adjusted her wig and smoothed down her bangs again. “Get away you!” She took a closer look at him, squinting up at him. “You doing ok? If you need to go, I understand hun. You should get some rest bro. I’m ok!”

Upon closer inspection, Samuel did look as green as his shirt. 

“You ok man?” Vi asked, concern in their voice.

Samuel chuckled morosely. “I could ask you the same thing. Incoming!”

Violet groaned and grabbed up Ross, I rubbed their back and murmured the usual reassurances while Lucy and Samuel had a whispered conversation that I was probably not meant to hear.

“Sammy, you just got home, you need to rest. You KNOW that I understand.”

“Luce, it was bad enough I was away so much longer than I was supposed to be! I don’t want to leave already. I’m fine.”

“Samuel, we both know you are not fine! Do NOT even try it. You won’t heal if you don’t take care of yourself. You have to take your meds.”

“They make me tired.”

“I know, most pain meds make people sleepy. You can ask the doctor at your appointment for meds that aren’t as strong but right now you NEED them. Please?”

Vi must have heard the conversation because as soon as they surfaced from the bucket, they jabbed the nurse’s button fiercely with their thumb. 

“Can I help you?” A nurse’s voice crackled from the speaker on the wall.

“Hi can I get my pain meds?”

“I’ll be right in with them Jason.”

“Thank you.” Vi looked straight at Samuel and smirked, “ok your turn.” They raised one patchy eyebrow at him. “Sorry not sorry, this room is not that big. Lucy knows what she is talking about. Listen to her. Please?”

“You too Danny?” Lucy said with her own raised ginger brow.

I put my hand up, “hey! Hey! Why you gotta bring me into this?”

“Because you are also in pain.” Violet said.

“God, aren’t we all a mess!!?” I exclaimed and we all burst out into laughter until we were holding our stomachs and Samuel was even greener.

10 minutes later we had all taken our meds, Samuel had winced when he leaned over to grab his meds from his backpack. Vi and I pretended not to notice as we were suddenly engrossed in our fingernails or the ceiling.

“You guys are so not fooling me. So I had…”

“No Samuel, you don’t have to tell us. It’s ok!”

“No, I don’t mind. I recently went to Mexico and had top surgery. I had to stay longer than intended due to complications outside of anyone’s control. It was a good facility, not one of those seedy places so it wasn’t because of that. Hopefully I can get the drains out tomorrow when I see my Dr here.” He said and then yawned.

“Hey why don’t you stretch out on the couch tonight Samuel? Vi will let me sleep with them, right hun?”

I saw a shadow of fear pass over Jason’s face, I think I could safely bet that they were worried about having a nightmare with Samuel in the room. I put my hand on their knee, and they looked at him and nodded with a queasy smile. “Yeah that would be great! Please stay Samuel, if you want to!”

“Are you sure you don’t mind? I am extremely tired.” 

“Not at all! I have a spare set of pajamas if you wanna borrow them.” I offered, moving around the bed and plucking a pair of lounge pants and an oversized Tshirt from my suitcase and throwing them at Lucy since it would probably hurt him to raise his arms.

“Well the thing is, I might bleed on the shirt.” He said, looking around awkwardly.

“Meh, what’s a little blood between friends? But here, use this one and keep it.” I went to my suitcase and pulled out an extra large black Adore merch shirt, throwing that one to Lucy.”

“Really?” He exclaimed, looking like someone just gave him a million bucks.

“Yep.”

“Thank you!” He said and yawned.

“Ok you go put those on young man and I’ll make up the couch with fresh linens since I know where to find them now.” 

About 20 minutes later, Lucy tucked her big bro in and a nurse came in to give Lucy her sleep and pain meds. I curled up with Violet, holding their petite body up against mine. “I really actually love you Jason. Oh and I have to go to the Doctor tomorrow at 1 about my hand. Please don’t let me forget.”

“I’ll remind you.” Jason said sleepily, “I really actually love you too. Thanks for suggesting that Samuel stay for the night. You’re the best.”

Jason sighed and was asleep within minutes. I stayed awake for a bit thinking of all the things I had to do to pull off the surprise that was in my head. The pain meds were pulling me down to sleep and I was happy that my hand wasn’t throbbing with every beat of my heart.


	167. Missing

Katya’s point of view

I woke up in the bunk, Alaska was sprawled beside me, our bodies were entwined so thoroughly I didn’t know where he began and I ended in this cramped space.

Golden Girls was still playing on my iPad so I spaced out to that for a bit until Justin stirred. He blearily rubbed his eyes and looked around at our legs.

“Hey we’re like totally gay spaghetti!” He whispered with a giggle. 

I put my hand up to my chest and gasped. “What! You’re gay?” I exclaimed in mock surprise.

“That’s what the internet says...I mean, who can argue with the internet?”

“Too true!” I mused, turning my phone on as my stomach growled, I guess the granola bars wouldn’t keep me full forever. “We’ve been sleeping for 4 hours, I don’t know about you my queen but I need to stretch my legs and forage for sustenance.” 

“Sounds good!” We untangled ourselves from each other, sitting with our legs over the edge for a minute. Jinkxy was visible through the clear plastic of their curtain, snoring softly in their bunk across the way, their mouth wide open with their hands clasped under their chin looking like a little bald cherub.

We tiptoed out to the living room, where most of the queens were lounging around. Sharon and Phi Phi each had an earbud in their ear as they leaned in to watch something on Sharon’s ipad, it was evidently amusing as they were both chuckling.

Pearl and Fame were having a serious conversation about something in the corner.

Willam was laying flat on his back with his eyes closed, holding onto the seat cushion and wincing every time the bus hit the slightest bump. B sitting nearby with his arms crossed and looking worried or cranky or both. Cranrried? Woranky? His brow was so furrowed that his eyebrows were close to touching each other. Uh oh.

“Hey what’s going on?” I blurted without thinking.

“What THE FUCK do you THINK is going on Kat?” Willam screamed at me, glaring at me and rolling his eyes before he closed them again, his jaw clenching and unclenching.

I’m such an idiot, always opening my big dumb mouth before my brain kicks in, I smacked myself on the forehead so hard the crack was heard throughout the bus. “I’m sorry Will.” Alaska pulled my hand down before I could do it again.

Willam sighed and grimaced. “No I’m sorry Kitty Kat, it’s not your fault. I fell when the bus turned about half an hour ago. I’ll be ok soon as...well soon.” 

It was cute that he didn’t want to bring up meds but I felt pretty damn strong today. The euphoria that Vi was beating their cancer was all the drug I needed. “Well, I hope your meds kick in soon!” I quipped with a little grin as Alaska pulled me down beside him.

“Stay out of trouble you!” He whispered in my ear, sending a delicious trail of goosebumps up and down my spine.

40 minutes later, Willam was sitting semi-comfortably, propped up between B and Alaska. It was almost like a palpable sigh of relief went through the bus and everyone relaxed knowing that Will was feeling a bit better. Or at least “better” in the terms of being able to feign that he was doing ok. 

That is sometimes the name of the game with any pain, whether physical or emotional, that you fake it til you make it so that only the people that know you the best might see your struggle. There was something that felt inherently shameful in admitting pain in today’s society and I really wish it wasn’t that way. It would be so much easier for people to get help if there wasn’t all this bullshit about being brave and strong. Even though my critical-thinking brain know this to be so, my anxious heart made it easy to forget and submit to this particular societal norm. 

“Hey everyone, there is a rest stop with a decent diner attached up ahead about 45 minutes up the road if I remember correctly. Do you want to stop and grab a bite?” Alex yelled back to us. Everyone said some variation of yes and Alex’ voice called out once more, “ok sounds good. No one wants a bus of hungry drag queens!”

We all laughed and talked about bullshit and roared at Phi Phi’s impersonations of Alaska, Sharon and Dela.

Fame seemed withdrawn but every time she noticed me looking at her, she would paste on a fake smile that never reached her eyes. Benny stirred in my brain but before he could get a good run going, I was able to shut him down. I resolutely promised to keep an eye on her.

The diner we stopped at was old but clean, the lady that came around the corner seemed overjoyed at the prospect of a group of customers rather than the sporadic few that peppered the small tables throughout the restaurant. We pushed a bunch of tables together and I cursed internally when Fame happened to be on the opposite end of the table, I was hoping I could sit beside her and ask her how she was quietly. I knew she wasn’t ok, I think she knew I knew too.

We all ordered our food and received huge helpings. Sitting in the diner with all the scents of food cooking made my stomach rumble so loud that 4 or 5 of the queens at our end of the table looked up at me. My steak came and I was too consumed with trying to gobble up the perfectly cooked steak and buttery mashed potatoes that I forgot to see how Fame was doing. When I looked up, she was gone. A plate of salad and a small half filled bowl of soup left in her wake. Maybe she went to the bathroom? I continued stuffing my face ravenously and when I looked up when I had conquered the steak and ate every juicy mouthful, her seat was still empty and her food untouched.

I whispered, “I’ll be right back.” into Alaska’s ear and then headed for the other end of the table. 

I crouched down beside B who was at the end of the table and mumbled in a low voice, “hey B, have you seen Fame?”

“Yeah, she went back to the bus I think. Said she wasn’t feeling well. I’m sorry, I didn’t even see her go.”

“Ok thanks.” 

I stood to get up and he put a hand on my arm. “Are you sure she doesn’t want time alone Kat? Maybe she needs a minute. I’ll get her food boxed up and order her some dessert to go. Obviously you are going to do what you want because you are a stubborn ass so it’s just a suggestion.” He said with a grin as he released me.

“Apple pie.”

“What?” B asked, looking confused.

“Order Fame some apple pie or apple crisp, it’s her favourite.” I said with a little wink as I sauntered back down the table.

Alaska looked at me questioningly but I just gave her an almost imperceptible shake of my head and it was like I could see her muscles relax in relief. My highstrung-ness was wearing off on her I think. Not that Alaska was that relaxed of a person most of the time herself. Maybe I made it worse for her, she seemed to always be putting out the sweeping forest fires of rampant thought in my brain that I sometimes thought would consume me alive.

I was too full for dessert but I grabbed a piece of turtle cheesecake for later, carving “Katya” into the styrofoam top of the container in cursive with my thumbnail and then printing “eat this and die!!!” at the bottom for good measure. B had 3 containers of food for Fame. I grabbed the bill for Alaska, Fame and I and we all waddled out to the bus all smiling and moaning about how full we were.

Alaska and I were at the very end of the line and we were almost inside the bus when a distraught Jinkxy came out from the back of the bus.

“I can’t find Fame. She’s not here!” Jinkx said throwing her hands in the air, sitting down and bursting into tears.

“Did you check the bathroom Jinkxy?” Sharon asked, the usual bark in her voice was gone.

Jinkx just shook their head.

“Hey...um...ok. Let’s search for her. She can’t be far. Jinkxy, you and Will stay here in case she comes back. Ok...um B and Pearl you go to the gas station there and see if she went in there. If they have a washroom, check there too.” I commanded, pointing at the little gas station and convenience store at the other end of the overly large parking lot. Panic was slowly rising in my throat but I squelched it down, now is not the time to fall apart and need someone to put me back together again. I don’t know if I had a bad feeling about this or if Benny was just being an asshole again. She wasn’t acting like herself which was totally understandable with all that has happened lately, I didn’t voice my concerns aloud at the moment. “Pheef and Sharon, you go to the right of the restaurant and around the outskirts of the restaurant and ‘Lasky and I will go along the other side and we will meet you at the back. Take your cellphone with you and text if you find her.”

“What do you want me to do Katya? I want to help too!” Alex interjected, wringing his cap in his hands and looking like a Dad whose daughter was out waaay past curfew on Prom night.

I hadn’t thought of a job for Alex. “Hmm, oh! Why don’t you go into the restaurant. Maybe she was in the restroom this whole time? Maybe she is sick or the door is locked or something!”

“Got it!”

“Ok everyone got it?” No one joked about me channeling my inner B or anything, they just nodded somberly then we all scattered like beads on a broken necklace. 

We HAVE to find her, my gut told me and I hated the sense of urgency I felt in my heart.


	168. Lost then found

Alaska’s POV

Brian and I walked along with Alex, Pheef and Sharon until we reached the restaurant, Alex disappeared behind it’s red doors. I shared a worried look with Sharon, glad we could still practically read each other’s minds.

I held Katya’s trembling hand in my own, her palms were clammy with sweat. She gave me what she thought was an encouraging smile but it was more like a queasy grimace.

We headed around the side of the building, . We got a few steps in when we both jumped back as a black cat leapt, hissing and growling, from the darkness. Flipping on our flashlight apps, we both grinned at each other. What seemed like a ferocious monster was really a kitten that looked to be no more than a year old. It pelted away into the darkness.  
Katya and I continued our search, each sweeping our flashlight beams out in opposite directions.

“Fame! Fame!” We started calling out, trying to keep our eyes peeled on the tall grass for any sign of movement.

Sharon’s voice rang out before we even rounded the corner. “Hey guys! We found her!” Katya and I jogged around the corner, being cautious of the rocks and large tree roots jutting out from the ground. 

2 people were silhouetted against the light emanating from the gas bar. There was a 3rd outline on the ground.

Well shit!


	169. nice side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Somehow this chapter got lost in the shuffle! I'm so sorry!

TW Pain meds by name

Sharon’s point of view

Phi Phi and I started searching, the light spilling out from the gas station was enough once our eyes adjusted. Phi Phi poked behind the dumpster and then emerged shaking her head. We kept walking until we spotted an outline in the grass, we ran forward as I yelled “Hey guys! We found her!” over my shoulder, hoping my voice would carry to the others. It must have because we heard loud footfalls coming our way as we approached Fame. Alaska and her long legs made it virtually impossible for her to run quietly.

Fame was sprawled out on her left side, unmoving and silent. Her palms were bloody and covered in gravel and she was bleeding from her nose.

I tapped into the group chat. - Found her. Can you pull the bus around to the side of the restaurant Alex?

Katya and Alaska ran up, panting, just as Fame stirred and let out a little moan. Katya got on her knees and leant over, putting a hand on Fame’s shoulder. Fame startled, covering her ears with her hands and curling more into the fetal position. She let out a weak little scream and shied away from Katya’s touch.

“No don’t! Stop!”

“Fame, it’s Katya, are you ok?”

Fame’s eyes snapped open but her hands stayed protectively up by her ears and she stayed curled up, “Wha? Oh Katya, hi.”

“Hi! Are you ok?”

Fame tried to straighten out and let out a yelp of pain and folded in on herself again.

“For shit’s sake, stay still Fame. I’m gonna call an ambulance.” I said, pulling my phone out.

“NO! DON’T! I’m ok.” Fame said, propping herself up on one elbow, slowly sitting up shakily and clutching her ribs. She wilted like a rose right in front of us, curling back in on herself and panting like she’d just run a 10k.

“Bullshit!” Phi Phi blurted just as I was opening my mouth to say the same thing. She crouched down and put her hand on Fame’s shoulder, Fame started again and let out a little hiss of pain. “You are NOT ok Fame! I really think that we should call someone.” Phi Phi chewed on her bottom lip nervously and pulled out her phone.

“Please, don’t!” Fame let out on a sob, looking up at them with a furrowed brow and tears glistening in her eyes. “Just help me up please?” She raised out her arms pitifully like a toddler asking to be picked up. She quickly lowered her right arm, wincing. Phi Phi and I shared a look, going to either side of her.

“Are you sure Kurtis?” Katya asked, she was crouched in front of the crying queen.

“Yeah, just go quick. Please.” Fame spat through gritted teeth, nostrils flaring out like a bull.

I heard the roar of the bus’ engine come to life in the distance.

We were just about to lift her when Phi Phi exclaimed “Wait!” She pulled off her hoodie and folded it up, “here, I’ve had broken or bruised ribs a bunch of times. This won’t fix things but it’ll make things a bit more comfortable.” She put her sweater around Fame’s ribs, tying it tightly on her left side. “Better?”

Fame nodded.

We hauled Fame up, the tears trapped in her eyes were freed and flowed in cascades down her dirty and bloodied face.

“I feel so dizzy. Um…can someone find my bag?” Fame asked weakly through a clenched jaw.

Alaska held up a black studded wristlet. “I got it love.”

The bus pulled up and we started walking towards it when Fame yelled out and then went slack. Phi Phi and I managed to hold onto her, Alaska and Katya grabbed her legs and helped us carry her the rest of the way. Navigating the stairs was a bit difficult with the cramped space but we managed to get her on the couch.

Jinkxy immediately burst into tears, covering their face with their hands. Willam pulled them by the hand to the corner of the room and out of the way and sat there rocking them back and forth.

Pearl took over like she did when Katya fell, getting two of us to pull gravel out of Fame’s hands while she gently dabbed at the dried blood that had run down her chin. B had managed to find some ice and undid Phi Phi’s sweater, he put the ice against her ribs and redid the sweater to keep it there. Fame stirred and whimpered.

“C’mon Famey Wamey, come back to us.” Pearl cooed. She smoothed her hand across Fame’s forehead like one might pet a young child’s hair back.

Fame’s eyes fluttered and opened wide, she looked around in terror for a few minutes until she pieced together where she was. She brought one of her bandaged hands up to her face and looked at it curiously.

“Fame, what happened?”

Fame’s eyes bounced from face to face like a bird with nowhere to land. She cleared her throat, “I felt like the restaurant walls were closing in on me so I had to leave.”

“Fame, one of us would have come with you.” I insisted, hating the way my voice went high when I was annoyed or upset.

“I was just going out for one second, you were all eating and I didn’t want to bother you. When I got outside, I heard this…this sound like an animal was hurt. So I was going towards the sound when I must have fallen because that’s the last thing I remember.” She lifted a hand and gingerly touched her face. “How…um…how bad is my face?”

“Here, take these.” Willam said, handing Fame two large white round pills and a water, Fame didn’t hesitate for a second but downed them.

“Thanks.” Fame closed her eyes for a minute.

“Wait, what did you just give her?” Jinkx whispered when Willam rejoined them.

“Well between her ribs and her nose, she’s gotta be in pain.” Willam whispered back with a shrug.

“So Tylenol?”

“Sure…well technically.”

“What the fuck does that mean?” Jinkx spat.

“It has tylenol IN it. I just gave her some percocet,” Willam seemed shocked at the look that Jinkx and I gave him, I don’t think he realised I was listening.

“You might have wanted to tell her that, you know since she used to have a problem with addiction.” Jinkx pointed out, crossing their arms, “She could be allergic! God Will!”

“Geeze sorry, should I tell her?”

I didn’t hear Will’s reply though because Alex’ voice crackled over the loudspeaker. “Hey Ladies, we are approaching a small city with a hospital, do you want me to stop?”

We all looked over at Fame, her eyes were closed and I wasn’t sure she was awake. We waited for a few minutes, all looking around at each other, unsure of what to do.

“Fame?” Katya said, putting a hand on her leg. Fame jumped.

“Mmmhmmm?”

“Did you hear Alex?”

“Uh…uh.” She shook her head ever so slightly, already looking like she was falling asleep again.

“He was asking if we should stop at the hospital honey, it’s probably a good idea for you to get checked out.” Pearl said gently.

Fame’s eyes snapped open and went wide, “n…no. I’m ok! I promise. I just need to go lay in my bunk, my head feels all weird and swimmy.”

Pearl looked stricken, “did you hit your head Fame? We should definitely get you looked at if your head is feeling weird.” She fretted, readjusting the ice that had fallen from Fame’s eye.

“Don’t stress Pearly-girl.” I piped up with a sigh, “Willam gave her some percocet.”

Fame’s head snapped up, “you did what? Wooo! Mystery solved! I’m sleepy, someone help me to my mooooving bed. Is that what a cow calls their bed? If I feel bad in the morning, I’ll see a doctor medical type person thingy.” She babbled and sat up with a cacophony of grunts and groans and wheezes. Katya put her arm over Fame’s shoulder to keep her steady. Fame gazed at her blearily. “One Katya, two Katya, red Katya, blue Katya!” Fame laughed giddily, sucking in a sharp breath.

“Oh shit, I didn’t know bitch would get high and go all Dr Seuss on our asses!” Willam snorted. “At least she’s not in pain.”

Fame was now closely examining her hand as she waved it back and forth across her face, her mouth was a perfect O.

“Well that escalated quickly. C’mon Katya, help me get Miss beyond this planet high to her bed.” I deadpanned, going to the opposite side of Fame. Alex must have been watching because he pulled the bus to a stop.

“I’m not high!” Fame said indignantly, “YOU’RE high!!” She announced, jabbing her finger into my chest.

“I wish!” I muttered and everyone sniggered.

We tucked Fame into the middle bunk, propping her up with pillows so she couldn’t roll and putting fresh ice on her ribs and face. She was out by the time we closed the curtains.

Pearl and I sat in the back lounge, Pearl looked like something was niggling at her mind. I pinched the bridge of my nose and shut my eyes, “ugh Michelle is gonna be so pissed! Dammit!” Pearl just sat, staring down at his hands in his lap and biting his bottom lip. I sighed, “what’s wrong? Talk to me here.”

He shook his head like a dog and scoffed. “No it’s nothing, I just can’t believe she would go after a damn animal in the middle of Hicksville fuckin’ USA. Like of all the stupid things to do! Now she’s not going to be able to work for who knows how long, her face is all busted up, they’re probably gonna send her home and Michelle is gonna kill me!” Pearl exorcised the words from herself with the speed of a hurricane. She folded in on herself and banged her head none-too-lightly off of her knees. I shimmied over to her and put my arm around her, rubbing her back.

“Michelle is gonna be upset but why would Michelle be mad at you specifically?”

She turned her head so she was looking straight at me with her piercing blue grey eyes, her temple resting on her knee. “I don’t know. Because shit things keep happening to my best friends and I’m the common denominator?” She said on a sob. I don’t think I will ever get used to this Pearl.

“Matt,” I sighed deeply and continued to rub her back. “It’s NOT your fault. This ISN’T your fault. Vi’s cancer IS NOT your fault. You hear me? I need you to get it into your thick skull, you are not responsible for all the bad things that happen in the world. You can’t own that because it’s simply not true.” I added sternly, “Got it?” I gave her my death glare.

“I understand what you mean but it’s almost like I’m exhausted to actually put it to use. It’s like it’s ingrained in my head that bad things happen because of me.”

“Well that just isn’t true. It’s not! You hear me?”

He gave me a peculiar look.

“What? Do I have food on my shirt or something?”

“No, I’m just a little surprised because no one told me that under that punk exterior that you were so nice.”

I chuckled, “well don’t get too crazy, let’s keep my niceness our dirty little secret ok?”

He finally smiled, “your secret is safe with me.”

“You know when we go up to the front we’re gonna have to pretend this conversation didn’t happen right?” I joked and stretched.

“My lips are sealed, promise. I think I’m gonna hop in my bunk so I can be in earshot in case Fame needs anything.”

I put my hand on Pearl’s knee, “You’re a good, good friend Matt. Are you sure you’re alright?” She still looked slightly shaken.

“I’m fine, just tired.”

“Try to get some sleep, I’ll check on you both in a bit. Ok?”

“There ya go being all nice again.” I whacked him in the shoulder as I stood up. “Ok! Ok! I take it back! You don’t have to beat me up about it. Don’t steal my milk money!”

“Brat!” I said, flipping him the bird on my way out of the room towards the front. I heard him let out a little laugh and it reassured me a little.

We were all going to be ok.


	170. Avalanche of Secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N to whom it may concern,
> 
> I am utter trash and what little control I tenuously had on this story is gone. It has become it’s own creation. It’s weird not having any sort of plan and things just happen in it. It’s freaky. Feel free to abuse me and send me asks on my tumblr @paperdollsandhyperbole.
> 
> Love n Glitter and my apologies,
> 
> Remény

Fame’s POV

TW violence, both verbal and physical, slurs, pain meds by name

I woke up with a jolt and had to bite my lip to keep from crying out, the metallic tang of blood filling my mouth as pain seared up my side like fire. I shifted slightly and then stopped, my head was swimming and I wondered why until I remembered the Percocet compliments of Willam. I don’t want to know how much pain I’d be in without them.

I reached up in the small space and felt my nose gingerly, it was swollen and sore and felt bruised. Bruised I could cover up, swelling I could not.

I closed my eyes and flashes of the night went through my brain like a broken slideshow where half the photos were missing and out of order.

Suddenly I could feel hands on my back, pushing me. Feel the bite of the gravel as it stung my palms and connected with my nose. The taunts of “hey faggot!” and “look we got ourselves a homo!” and “nice purse! You borrow it from your Mama?” were flying out of two grown men along with the spittle of the fervor with which they barked. Then the crushing blow to my ribs by a big steel-toed boot. I remembered them looming above me, curled in and waiting for the next strike. I couldn’t catch my breath and the world faded out until I woke up on the ground confused and cowering from my friend’s touch and then telling them a bold faced lie. I think they bought it though, so that was something.

I snapped my eyes open again and tried to take a deep breath. I couldn’t turn over and I felt like I was suffocating. The hoodie around my ribs had shifted and the blankets tangled around my legs. I was trying to stay calm, keep my grunts of effort and pain to a minimum.

I jumped as the curtain was flung open. The cool air felt good on my flushed and sweaty face.

“Fame?” Pearl whispered, “You ok?”

“No, can’t…breathe.” I struggled to get out between pants as the already coffin like bunk seemed to close in on me more.

Pearl started pulling out pillows and unwrapping blankets with the speed of someone digging a person out of an avalanche. Then he surprised me by just picking me up bridal style and setting my feet down on the floor ever so gently. I looked down and saw I was still wearing a shirt that was covered in blood.

“Ugh I need to change. This is disgusting.” I walked the few steps over to my drawer with the hunched posture of a 90 year old man. Pearl kept a steadying grip on my elbow as I pulled out some pajama pants and an old T-shirt.

Pearl walked with me out to the living room, keeping an arm around my waist the whole way even though the hall was barely big enough for us both. When we got to the bathroom door, I looked around the lounge to find it deserted except for Phi Phi who was looking at her phone. I didn’t know how long I’d been asleep but I had been oblivious to the noise of the queens around me when they had gone to bed. I held onto the door jam to the bathroom and did my best to take in a deep breath to steel myself to look in the mirror.

“Do you need help?” Pearl whispered near my ear, making me jump and curse. “Sorry, sorry, sorry!”

“I think I’m ok, I’ll be safe. If I need help, I’ll call you.”

“Are you sure?” I nodded and Pearl looked like she was going against her better judgement. “Ok, I’ll be right out here though, just call if you need me.”

“I will, I promise.” I shuffled in with my head down. I put a hand on either side of the sink and held on as I finally looked at my reflection. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. My nose had a long scratch down the side and it was slightly swollen, my right eye was already shades of purple and back but thankfully it wasn’t swollen shut.

I yanked down my pants and sat down on the toilet, harder than I intended to, letting out a little “oof” sound. I managed to get the left leg of my pants off and my bottoms on. By the time I got the other side done, I was panting with the effort. I stopped to gulp in some air.

In the end, I decided to leave my shirt on for a bit. I just couldn’t do both right now. I stumbled out of the washroom to find Pearl standing right outside the door. Making me jump yet again.

“Hey,” he said softly, grabbing my elbow and steering me into the lounge where he had grabbed some pillows and made me a nest in the sole recliner in the room. He eased me down into it, handed me a fresh ice pack for my ribs and started to unfold a blanket when he must have realized I hadn’t changed my shirt.

He put a hand on his cocked hip, “you’ll call me for help eh?”

I looked away from him and felt my face get hot as I mumbled towards my knees, “I’m sorry, I just got tired is all.”

Pearl leaned down and chuckled, “that’s when you ask for help silly! Come on! Let’s do it fast before you get in a more comfortable position.” He stood up and didn’t even wait for an answer but started by slipping the bloodied T off of my good side in lightening fast speed so he had pulled it over my head before I even really registered what was happening.

They both gasped, “what?” I said, trying to look around at what they were looking at but they were both looking at ME! Well more accurately, at my chest. Pearl sunk down onto his knees like his legs wouldn’t hold him up anymore. Phi Phi was paler than I’d ever seen a person go, her hand resting on her mouth as tears sprang free from her eyes.

I tried to cover myself with the T-shirt in my hand but Pearl pried it from my hands and pulled off the rest of the bloody shirt so I was totally exposed.

She brought her face really close to my chest, pulling back with a tight lipped expression, crossing her arms. “You fell eh?”

“Y..y…yeah.”

Phi Phi let out a little, choked sob and her and Pearl shared a dark look.

“Can I have my T-shirt back? I’m cold.” I could feel my whole body shaking as I tried to splay my hands to cover as much of myself as possible.

Pearl’s hard look softened, “of course, let me help you.”

Pearl gently pulled the shirt onto my injured side and over my head, holding the other sleeve out so I could lift my good side into it. Her face stiffened again as she put the ice on my ribs. I still felt like I wasn’t getting enough air, like I couldn’t take a deep enough breath.

“Ok I’m gonna put your feet up, you’ll be more comfortable in a second, lay back.” Pearl slowly reclined the chair and then tucked pillows under my knees so I was slightly curled in.

My panting lessened as Pearl and Phi Phi continued to look at me with worried eyes. Pearl unfurled a blanket and covered my legs up.

“Thank you. It’s a bit easier to breathe in this position than lying down, I might just sleep out here tonight.”

“Yeah I am well versed in how to sleep with broken ribs after someone kicks the shit outta me. Gold fucking star for me.” Pearl quipped bitterly and flopped beside Phi Phi on the sofa.

“What? I…I f…fell.” I stammered, I tried to keep eye contact but Phi Phi’s expression was breaking my heart. She was weeping like someone ran over her dog, trying to wipe away the tears and snot with the back of her hand but the tears were coming down too thick. I felt a pang in my chest that had nothing to do with my ribs.

“Cut the crap Kurtis!” Pearl snapped, Phi Phi put her hand on Pearl’s arm as she was about to stand up. Pearl seemed to deflate in front of me.

Phi Phi cleared her throat and composed herself, her voice soft and patient compared to the sting of Pearl’s. “Fame…uh…Kurtis we aren’t stupid, Pearl and I have both dealt with injuries like this. You might not be able to see it but you have the print of someone’s boot on your rib cage, you don’t get that kind of shape from just falling. What happened? Who did this to you?”

“I don’t know, I mean part of what I said was true, I felt like the walls of the restaurant were closing in on me. I needed to get out. I got to the bus and realized I couldn’t remember how to open the door without the key so I was on my way back to the restaurant when these two guys came up in a pickup truck. I was trying to run into the restaurant but they blocked me so I…I started to run to the gas station, I thought maybe if I could get to where there’s light...but I never made it. They jumped out of their truck and one of them pushed me onto the ground and they were…they were…” I stopped talking then as I felt light headed, I closed my eyes as the bus seemed to spin around me. I was wheezing and could see my chest rising and falling but it was like there was a block in my throat the size of a baseball. I could hear a high pitched whine when I inhaled. I felt my eyes go round and I clawed at the arms of the chair.

Pearl was up and coming towards me. She kneeled and whispered in my ear. “Come on Kurtis. Take some slow breaths with me.” I grabbed a hold of Pearl’s arm and tried to match her breathing.

I couldn’t do it. I was dying. I cried out a barely audible “help me” and then I lost the war with consciousness.

——————————————————————————

“Kurtis? Kurtis?” I heard Pearl’s voice like she was calling to me from the bottom of a very deep well. My face was suddenly cold and wet. “C’mon back hun.”

I cracked open my eyes to see Phi Phi’s face inches from my own. I jumped.

“Sorry, sorry for startling you. How are you feeling?” Phi Phi said, she was holding my hand and petting my arm absentmindedly.

My vision swam for a minute so there were 2 of each of them and then coalesced again. I blinked a few times, trying to get my bearings, the recliner was all the way back so I was almost lying straight but Pearl was holding up my legs.

“What? What are you doing?”

“Holding your legs up. You fainted.”

“Oh. Oh dear.”

“You’re ok now, I’m gonna put your legs down now.” She scooped under my knees and slowly lowered them, wincing in anticipation of how much it would hurt, and it did.

“Holy fuck!” I said with a groan. I stifled a yawn and held onto my chest.

“Here, hug a pillow when you yawn or cough for the next few days. I don’t want to see you without it, got it?” Phi Phi said sternly with a yawn of her own. I just nodded briefly in response and hugged a pillow like it was my long lost teddy bear.

“Here take these, Willam gave them to me to give to you.” Pearl said, depositing two more round pills into my hand, when I gave them back Pearl just huffed. “Hun, you aren’t taking them to get high. You’ll need them if you want to get some sleep. Sleep will make you heal faster. We will talk more in the morning but I don’t want you to throw yourself into another panic and pass out on us again because it’s scary as shit.”

I hesitated, I never had a problem with pain meds and I really was in pain. So much pain. “I’ll take one of them. Not both. You can leave the other one beside me and if I need it after you go to bed, I’ll take it. I promise!”

Pearl let out a little scoff of incredulity, “like I’m going to leave you out here alone anyway! Fat chance buckeroo!”

“Buckeroo?” Phi Phi mouthed exaggeratedly from behind Pearl’s back, I let out a little giggle, quickly smooshing the pillow up to my chest and taking in a gulp of air.

“I’m not leaving you out here, I’ll sleep on the couch. You need some rest. Phi Phi go to bed hun.” Pearl stated matter of factly.

“Ok, well…uh…come get me if you need anything.” Phi Phi said, she looked a little annoyed that as an adult she had just been given a bedtime but she looked like she thought it better not to disagree with the very agitated Pearl that was pacing around, tidying things aggressively. “Sleep well hun.”

She came and kissed me on top of my head, I grabbed her arm, “please don’t tell anyone Phi Phi? Please?” I begged her.

“Of course not. I’m just glad you are in relatively one piece. I’m so sorry this has happened to you.” She gave me an air-light hug and then pulled Pearl into one. “Are you ok Pearlie? You are safe now, I know this has to be bringing back memories for you, just like it is for me, but we’re not there anymore. Understand?” Phi Phi said into her ear and then held her out at arm’s reach and rubbed her hands up and down Pearl’s arms bracingly.

“I understand, I know we are. I’m here right now and I’m safe. I’ll be fine. This isn’t like before ok? I promise.” Pearl said in a low voice, I pretended I couldn’t hear them.

What did she mean by I’m here right now? What happened before? My head swam with questions that I knew I couldn’t ask.

Phi Phi left to go to bed and Pearl stood over me with the pill and the water, she looked so far away, unreachable. After I took it, she put the water and pill bottle down with a slam. I flinched.

She looked instantly contrite, “I’m sorry, I guess I don’t know my own strength tonight.” She sat down with a sigh and leaned over so her head was resting in her hands, her elbows bracing her arms on her knees. She surreptitiously wiped her eyes on her hands.

“Hey, I’m sorry. Wanna talk about it?”

Pearl looked at me, but it was the old Pearl, the walled off one. The one doing everything in her power to stay in control Pearl. The angry and tired-of-life Pearl. “No, you need some rest now. Wake me up if you need anything, don’t try and get out of the chair by yourself. You’ll just hurt yourself.”

She leaned over and pulled the covers up to my chin and switched off the lights so the room was dimly lit with the glow of the emergency lights that ran along the floor. She twitched a blanket over herself and settled into the couch, turning away from me.

“Pearl?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry.”

“What are you sorry for? You didn’t do anything wrong. Nothing at all. What those bastards did, it’s not your fault Kurtis! Got it?” Pearl’s voice was sharp as a razor blade and brittle as old china.

“I’m just sorry that this brought up bad memories for you and Phi Phi, that’s all.” I added lamely.

“Also not your fault. Go to sleep now. You need some rest.”

“Ok, goodnight Matt.”

“Goodnight Kurtis, don’t be afraid to wake me.”

“Ok.” I nodded even though she couldn’t see me. I shifted and lay still, waiting for sleep to take me. I looked towards Pearl to see her back was quaking from silent tears. Tears for a torment long ago that could be returned to, unbidden, in a second. I wanted to say something, I just didn’t want to make things worse. So I bit my lip and squished my eyes shut as I held my tongue.

For the time being anyway.


	171. Requiem of a childhood lost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry I got a wee bit out of order! We're good now!

Phi Phi’s POV

I couldn’t sleep. I tried and I think I got a few minutes but I had left my phone in the living room. I HATE not knowing what time it is! I tossed and turned for what felt like forever but I just could not get comfortable. It felt like Jinkx’ loud snores were reverberating from the bunk below. Normally they wouldn’t keep me awake since I could sleep like the dead but tonight, my brain was just too busy. My body too heavy.

Poor Fame. Poor Matt. I knew this had to be hard for him. I sighed and opened the curtain agonisingly slowly to avoid waking anyone, I padded out to the living room. Fame was out cold, probably compliments of Willam. 

I blinked at the too bright kitchen clock, it was 3am which meant I’d had a whopping 45 minutes of sleep. That’s great! 

Pearl was sitting up on top of his feet, leaned forward with his elbows on his knees and face in his hands. He looked crumpled. I crossed over to the couch and sank down beside him. He stiffened and looked up, face contorted with anger and misery. 

“Hey, hey, hey you!” I soothed as he dove into my arms, crying quietly. “It’s gonna be ok! Let it out Pearly. Shhh Matt! Come on now.”

“I just can’t believe that this happened to her, to someone as nice as Fame.”

“Hey,” I murmured, “it shouldn’t have happened to us either. We didn’t deserve it. But we’re stronger because we have had to be.”

She let out a shaky breath, “I don’t feel very strong right now.”

“And that’s ok!! It’s ok to not be ok Matt! As stupid and cliche as that sounds, none of your friends,” I gestured down the hallway to the slumbering queens, “of OUR friends are going to judge you. It’s ok to be scared, there is no shame in it.”

“I’m NOT scared!!” He said indignantly, pulling away from me.

“Pearl you’re full of shit!! I KNOW what happened with Violet,” he paled and opened and closed his mouth a few times but nothing came out, “I’m not saying that was your fault! You didn’t do it on purpose! But I also know that you don’t sleep and that when you do, you have terrible nightmares. I know that for you to get more than an hour of sleep, you have to be totally blitzed out. That you wake up screaming. Screaming and terrified Matt! You aren’t ok! You haven’t been ok for a very long time and I want to help you. I NEED to help you because I spend time revisiting that fear, that hopelessness, that isolation EVERY. DAMN. DAY” I poked his chest with the last 3 words of my impassioned statement.

“I’m so tired Jer.” Matt whispered. 

“I know you are, c’mere.” I held my arms out and pulled him back in, cradling his head against me, rocking him and rubbing his back. Then I randomly just started to hum, I couldn’t place it for a few minutes and then it hit me. I was singing “never go home again” by Rupaul. The lyrics ran through my head as I rocked the shaking queen and kept humming.

Dear Johnny, had had enough  
Couldn't pretend anymore  
This household, no fairytale  
No storybook left at the door

Couldn't put a fight  
Didn't need to be right  
Didn't want this to be his story  
Made a run for his life  
Slipped away in the night  
Headed Straight for his crowning glory

Home is where you are  
Always in your heart  
Home is where you are  
Always in your heart

Pearl yawned into my shoulder halfway through my humming of the song, I kept going, smoothing back the little Velcro-like pieces of hair on his head and continuing to rock side to side. I knew Pearl was going to fall asleep on me, that's what he needed right now.

Pretty soon Pearl was dead weight, he had been sitting with his legs under him, my legs were pointing out from the couch. I sat there for a minute, trying to work out the best way of putting him down on the couch without waking him. I'll just wait for a few more minutes to let him sink into deeper sleep.

He was leaning into me, I was in the middle of the couch so I couldn't even brace myself up against the arm. I tried to shimmy out from underneath him so I could just lay him on his stomach but his lax arms tightened around me like he was a child holding onto a teddy bear for dear life while his face clouded over for a moment. I stopped, scarcely daring to breathe. He needed this sleep.

He shifted yet again, straightening out his legs a bit and my straining back gave way. I fell backwards so he was on top of me, his head resting on my chest. I waited again for a few minutes, he looked about 12 when he was asleep, the harsh lines of his face rounding out with his relaxed jaw.

I managed to get my legs up and on the side of the couch, which made my back stop screaming so loudly. I let out a soft low chuckle at how absurd we must look, Pearl with his arms around my waist and head on my chest.

I sighed, well I probably wasn't going to get any sleep but it was worth it to see Pearl's guarded face so peaceful. 

I closed my eyes, just for a moment.


	172. Run to Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some Viadore fluff for ya nerves Hunties!

Violet’s POV

I woke up earlier than everyone else, I felt like death herself. I got to study Danny’s face while it was still relaxed with sleep, his full lips that were upturned at the edges and slightly bulbous nose, his deep-set eyes with their naturally long lashes and perpetually surprised eyebrows. His hair had grown in and was about a quarter of an inch long. I wanted to run my hand across the velvety softness of it but I resisted. 

I was pulled into a shallow sleep again, my consciousness wavered in and out like a bad and almost out of range radio station. The next time I woke up, Danny was sitting in the chair beside the bed, scrolling through his phone. Lucy and Samuel’s beds were both empty. I don’t know how I managed to sleep through Danny getting off of the bed, let alone 2 people leaving the room.

“Good morning sunshine? How’d you sleep?” Danny asked, reaching over to hold my hand in his.

“I slept ok. I think.” I laughed. “I don’t really remember going to sleep, I’ve been sleeping on and off since early this morning. But I didn’t feel you get out of bed and we were smushed right up together so I must have gotten some sleep. Where’s Lucy and Sam?” I squirmed a bit in pain, my body searching for a more comfortable position and failing.

“They went for breakfast. How bad is your pain right now my love?”

“It’s so stupidly high, like I can’t EVEN bitch!” I said, resolutely picking up the nurse’s call button. “I thought maybe later today, you know after all the barfing and napping and groups and all that shit, that we could maybe go outside for a bit? Maybe a walk? I’ll even let you push me in a wheelchair, just get me out of here for a few minutes.”

He beamed, “OK!” His face dimmed, “I may have forgotten to mention it but this afternoon, I have to go see the doctor about my hand, to make sure it’s healing right. Mom said she’d swing by and keep you company while I’m gone.”

“She doesn’t have to, I mean she can, she’s always welcome but you guys know I can manage on my own for an hour or two right? Or overnight.” 

“I know you can and so does she, of course we do, but why be alone when you don’t have to be.”

“True. Oh I really hope that your hand is ok. I feel so bad.”

“It was an accident, it’s not your fault hun.”

“Weeeell it kind of is my fault.” I teased back.

He sighed in mock exasperation, “ok it’s all your fault forever and ever, you happy?” he quipped sarcastically.

“Totally happy! I like when I get my way.”

“I’ve noticed!” He chuckled, kissing my nose and pulling the dreaded breakfast tray over. “You’re cute, now eat. There is a milkshake drink thingy here if you don’t want solids. Please just try ok?”

“I will. I promise, as soon as I get meds.” I squirmed again, I could always tell when Matt wasn’t working based on how long it took to get meds.

“Starbucks?”

“Magic words!!”

“What would you like my queen?” He asked with a goofy little bow.

“You are such a dork! One of the many reasons why I really, actually love you.” Every time I told Danny I loved him sent an electric current through my system. 

“I really actually love you too. You know I do.”

There was a few minutes pause where we just looked at each other, having a silent conversation with our eyes until a nurse barged in.

“So starbucks?”

“I think I’ll have a mocha frap with 1%...no wait whole milk.” 

He smiled like I knew he would, geez who would have known increasing milk fat percentage would make Danny Noriega smile like that.

“Ok be right back.” He kissed me on the head. On my bare head, I lifted my fingers up to the spot he kissed, smiling to myself. My head felt funny and I wondered if I would ever get used to not having long hair to swish around. I wondered how foreign it would feel when it started to grow in and if it would feel weird to have hair but not my usual long hair. Matt had warned me that my hair could grow in a totally different colour and texture and I closed my eyes and pictured myself a year from now, with black hair. No! Wait! Blonde? Blondes are rumoured to have more fun. 

So I was a blonde and my new hair has lovely soft curls and it’s almost long enough to put up in a ponytail, I was hopping onto the bus, arm-in-arm with a smiling Danny. I looked healthy and strong and so happy. There were streamers and balloons and a banner welcoming us back.

“Now what are you thinking about that you are smiling that big?” Danny asked, making me jump but I kept my eyes closed tight. It was such a strong image in my mind, I didn’t want to pop my soap bubble just this second.

“Just imagining life next year. Come imagine with me! Close your eyes!” I giggled, I heard him put the drinks down on the table and push it away. He laid back down beside me and I propped myself up for a minute so he could put his arm around me and I could snuggle myself into the crook of his neck. We held hands. I felt his warm lips linger on my head for a moment again and I sighed. I kept my eyes closed throughout the whole thing, feeling silly but allowing myself to be silly and not always that prim, polished and in control person. Even doing this, my brain was chastising me that saying all this out loud seemed stupid but dreaming and having goals was something I should do out loud more often.

“Ok my eyes are closed. I’m ready my love.”

“Picture it, I’ve been given a clean bill of health and we are getting on the bus finally for the next tour. My hair has grown back blonde and it’s short and curly.   
We both look healthy and so happy that we look like we are glowing. Everyone is so happy to see each other and when we get on the bus, it’s decorated like a party with streamers and balloons and a banner welcoming us back and then we all sit in the lounge room and everyone is grinning madly. We are all munching on party food and all talking to each other at once. The noise is horrendous and..ugh...wouldn’t that be awesome right now?” 

Danny squeezed my hand and I cracked open one eye and turned my head a little to see Danny still had his eyes closed. A peaceful smile played around his lips. 

“I can feel you looking at me.” He said with his eyes still shut tight. He turned his head and did his best Adam Sandler impersonation, “stop looking at me Swan!”

We both cracked up. I opened my eyes all the way and wiggled my way up the bed to lock my lips onto Danny’s, throwing my arms around his neck and pulling him in. It was like our lips were made for each other, like puzzle peices. I let out a hum of happiness and smiled into the kiss. His hands slid down my sides and I couldn’t help but squirm and giggle and try to pull away but he cupped my face and pulled me back in. He twisted until I was on top of him, straddling him. He peppered my collar bone with little kisses of his pillow soft lips until he was at my neck, blowing a big raspberry and reflexes making my neck jerk so I whacked him on the nose with the side of my head. Thankfully I didn’t get him too bad, I mean I already broke him once.

I slid off him but curled into him, my head over his thumping heart. I pulled his casted hand up to my lips and gave his poor bruised knuckles a kiss. 

“How is your hand feeling darling? What’s your pain like out of 10?”

“Geeze now you sound like me! It’s fine!”

“Now you sound like me! When do you have to go today?”

“After lunch time. Hopefully I won’t be gone too long.” He chewed on his bottom lip as his brows knitted together with worry.

I straightened up, reached out and put my hands on his eyebrows and flattened them out, “stop worrying. It will be fine, I will be fine! I promise.” 

“Okay! Oookay! I know you will be, I just worry.” His eyes went misty. “I can’t help it. I love you so much it just scares me sometimes.”

“I love you so, so much! I don’t know what I would do without you. Not just right now but for the past year! You have saved me.” My chin quivered and I choked out, “you made me love again, something I never thought was possible after Cassie. Something I was so scared of. I ran from love and suddenly you’ve made me change course. You stopped me from running away and now, I will run to you every time. Every damn time Danny.”

He put his arms around me and I felt like I was in the safest place in the world. His lips lingered on my forehead as we clung to each other, crying and eventually laughing at the state we were in.

“God, we’re so fucking extra!” I snorted.

“I know right?!”


	173. Diversionary tactics

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’d like to say I’m not 100% happy with this chapter at all but I can’t spend any more time on it or I’ll go bonkers. It just isn’t flowing how I want it to. feedback welcome.

Michelle’s POV

The bus was 2 hours late, I hate when it’s late, even though we had plenty of time. We had to run through the opening and closing numbers with Dela, who would be joining us for the next 2 nights.

“I’m sure they are fine Michelle,” Dela said soothingly as she patted my arm. We were sitting on the couches in the lobby of the Seattle Four Seasons, I stood back up to pace around.

“I don’t understand why no one has texted me, not even Roy! He always responds! What if they got in an accident and no one can reach their phone!”

“No they didn’t get in an accident Michelle. I’m sure of it.” Dela said calmly.

“How do you know?” I interrupted my pacing to look at Dela, who had a giant smile on her face. “What are you smiling at?”

“They’re here!!” Dela pointed behind me as an exhausted looking B, Willam, Sharon, Jinkxy, Katya and Alaska tramped in with their bags. Where were the other 3? It wasn’t like Fame and Phi Phi to dawdle but it was exactly like Pearl to.

“Hey Michelle.” B said, pulling me into a quick hug while the others all went about greeting Dela with hugs, Jinkx holding onto their Seattle sister the longest. I couldn’t help but notice that they looked upset.

“Where are the others?” I asked B.

“Wellll...you need to come with me for a minute.” He said seriously, he turned around and started leaving the hotel, I had to jog to catch up with him.

“Is someone sick? What is going on? Tell me.”

“No one's sick, well not in a manner of speaking, just go on the bus, Alex and I will wait out here.”

What the hell was that supposed to mean? I hated that I had no idea what I was going to walk into, I waited for a second for B to say more but he just moved his head as if to say go see.

I took a breath and started up the stairs.

Phi Phi was sitting on the couch alone, staring at her knees and looking like a kid that got caught peeking at her neighbour’s test.

“What’s going on Phi Phi?” I asked, making her jump. “Sorry I didn’t mean to startle you!”

Phi Phi smiled weakly and patted the spot on the couch. “S’ok come sit down, they’ll be out in a moment.”

I looked around, trying to pinpoint why Pheef would be looking so downtrodden, she was staring at the bathroom door now.

“Pearl and Fame, out from where? Are they in the bathroom together? Is one of them sick?”

“Fuck! B didn’t tell you, did he? What an asshole!” She blurted angrily.

“Tell me…” I didn’t get a chance to finish and at that point, all words had evaporated and the ability to speak left me.

Pearl was walking backwards, holding onto Fame’s hands to help her walk. Fame was pale and her nose and eye was bruised. She had a grimace on her face.

“Ok, we’re gonna put you back in the chair for a minute until Michelle comes out love. Or would you like to lay down, I have fresh ice too. How’s that sound?” Pearl soothed, sounding like she was talking to either a child or someone very old.

“She’s here.” Phi Phi said before I could form words, “and B didn’t tell her.”

“WHAT THE HELL?” Pearl put a hand on Fame’s back and eased her back into the lounge chair, placing a sloshing bag of ice onto Fame’s side.

Fame’s hand closed on Pearl’s wrist as the queen looked like she was about to go off and find Roy to kick the crap out of him. “It’s ok Matt, easy! It’s probably better this way, it was my fault so I should tell her.”

Pearl opened her mouth to say something back but Fame shot her a look and she wilted. She sat down on the floor beside the chair, Fame kept a hold of her hand as if she didn’t trust Pearl not to bolt. A very good idea.

“What happened to your face Fame?” I said with a sigh, she was in no condition to perform with the swelling in her face alone.

“Ok so I left the restaurant we stopped at last night because...well let’s just say I was having a moment. I went outside and…”

She paused for a minute to catch her breath and shared a look with Phi Phi and Pearl before continuing, Pearl nodded at her as if to say keep going.

“And I heard a noise, like an animal was hurt so I followed the sound and must have fallen.”

Pearl let out a scoff of disbelief and I couldn’t help with agree with her that it was such a stupid idea to just go after an animal when Fame didn’t even know what it was.

“Fame. Of all the foolish things to do!” I started disapprovingly.

“Stop it Michelle, it’s not her fault!” Pearl barked from behind a clenched jaw.

Fame tightened her grip on Pearl’s hand, “no it’s ok Pearly, it WAS my fault. It was a stupid thing to do.” Fame said, looking contrite.

“So what did you hurt? Did the hospital say when you could perform again?”

“I hurt my nose obviously and my ribs from falling so hard on my side. I didn’t go to the hospital but I’m sure…”

“WHAT?! Fame! That’s not ok, you are obviously hurt!” I interrupted angrily.

“What’s done is done Michelle, I can’t go back and believe me if I could, I totally would.” Fame said calmly, sharing another look with Phi Phi and Pearl. What the hell was going on?

“But we need to get you looked after Fame, you lot’s safety is kinda unofficially a part of my job and I can’t let you perform like this. No, I don’t feel good about this Fame.” My stomach clenched painfully and I put my hand over it. “You are obviously injured and should be under a doctor’s care, we don’t even know how long you shouldn’t perform for!”

“3 to 6 weeks.” Phi Phi and Pearl said in stereo. I looked from one to the other.

“But Fame should be able to lipsync fine in a few days as long she doesn’t do any crazy dance moves or lift her arms up. Singing live will take a bit longer because she won’t be able to take deep enough breaths as quick as she needs to in order to sing.” Pearl informed us in a tired monotone voice.

“Maybe we should send you home for a few weeks Kurtis.”

“No!” They all exclaimed at once.

“Ok ENOUGH!” I said sharply, I knew there was more going on than they were telling me. My patience was beyond thin. “I want you,” I pointed first to Pearl and then to Phi Phi, “and you to let Fame and I talk alone. Go on! Give us 5 minutes. Please.”

They both looked at Fame as if for permission to leave, she nodded once and they stood up and left very reluctantly. I waited a few beats before I turned back to her, moving so I was sitting right beside her so I could rest my hand gently on her knee. She flinched.

I sighed and pinched my nose with my free hand, feeling the start of a headache coming on. “Ok Fame, you NEED to tell me what’s going on. Did you not want to tell me what happened in front of them? Did Pearl or Phi Phi hurt you?”

“WHAT?! NO! NO MICHELLE! No! They didn’t hurt me, I swear to God Michelle!”

“So who did?”

She glared at me, I’d never seen the kind queen look so incensed. She spoke through gritted teeth, “Michelle, drop it! I’ll be fine! I DON’T want to go home, I just want to lay down. I am happy to pay for my own hotel. I want to room with Pearl and Phi Phi though.”

“Don’t be silly! You don’t have to pay Fame. I had Phi Phi in with Sharon again but I guess she can sleep wherever she wants. Wait. Are you...uh...do you…” I didn’t know how to even finish the thought that just went through my head.

“Do I what?” I paused for a minute because I didn’t even know how to word it. “Do I WHAT?” Fame questioned impatiently. I shook my head, feeling colour creep into my cheeks. “DO I WHAT MICHELLE?” She insisted.

“Are you into three into rough sex or something?” I blurted and blathered on, “no judgement here but I really can’t have you hurting each other.”

Fame burst out laughing, hugging a pillow to her chest and wincing. She quickly became winded so she tried to stifle her giggles. After catching her breath she choked out, “Oh my God Michelle! I would be offended that you think I could have an affair on Patrick but that’s just way too funny to be mad! Why would such a thought even go through your head...wait don’t answer that!” She was set off on another fit of the giggles.

“Oh stop!!” I flapped my hands at her. I got somber while she caught her breath, “are you safe Fame? Answer me honestly.” I asked in barely above a whisper.

She looked me straight in the eye, “I swear to God Michelle! I am perfectly safe, I promise you! I just want to stay with those two because...well...because they have both had hurt ribs and they know what to do. They know what to look for if it gets bad enough that I HAVE to go to the doctor, they’ll make me go. If they tell me I have to, I will go, I promise.” She swore earnestly.

I sighed, “I just wish you’d go Fame. Please? Are you sure you won’t go?”

“No, I won’t. I’m not going to change my mind. Please stop asking me to. STOP IT MICHELLE!” Her voice raising to a barked shout and then she started coughing, clutching the pillow to her chest.

Pearl must have heard her because she jumped back on the bus immediately, she straightened Fame’s hunched in frame and put her face into Fame’s red panicked one, Pearl’s hands steadying Fame’s heaving shoulders. “Fame? You’re ok!” She reassured, “you’re ok! I know it hurts but try to take some deep breaths with me. I got you. I got you Kurtis.” Fame quickly went from gasping frantically for air to taking deep breaths that still looked painful.

“I’m ok. I’m ok. Thanks Pearly.” Fame said after a few minutes of deep breathing, putting her left hand on top of Pearl’s hand still resting on her shoulder.

B poked his head in the door, “we have a wheelchair here for you Famey. They asked Alex to move the bus. We already got your drag bags in the hotel.”

“Ok, Pearl and B, you help Fame get down the stairs and into the hotel. Phi Phi and I will grab the bags from the bunks.” I said, quickly taking charge. I really wanted to get Phi Phi alone because I knew there was more to this story or she wouldn’t be looking so pale and she wouldn’t be sitting there chewing on her bottom lip with her eyes bouncing between the other two.

“Ok up ya get gurly, B you get on Fame’s good side. I’m gonna grab your elbow, I want you to keep the top of your arm right by your side and across your ribs. Ok?”

“Yep.” Fame said, scooting her butt towards the edge of the chair. She was already letting out groans and gasps. I couldn’t sit there and watch her suffer.

“C’mon Pheefs.” I said, pulling her to her feet and walking back to the bunks where we both started grabbing the remaining bags. I puttered around while I pulled Fame’s stuff together so when I was done, the other queens were almost out the door. Phi Phi grabbed up Pearl’s bag and turned to leave when I pulled her back by the strap on her duffle.

“Ok Jeremi, spill it. What REALLY happened?”

“What do you mean?” Phi Phi said, an feigned look of confusion on her face. I just glared at her for a minute or two, she looked uncomfortable but kept eye contact with me. “Are we done here?” She asked in a clipped voice, it was evident she knew what I was doing and adamant she was not going to crack.

I walked behind Phi Phi to the front of the bus, feeling the weight of my anxiety reside in my stomach like I had swallowed hot embers. Somehow, some way, I resolved to find out the truth.


	174. on second thought

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so, so sorry I’m such trash! I don’t necessarily feel great about this chapter so come tell me what you loved and hated about it!
> 
> TW medical shit (you should know this by now of course) and way too many descriptions of medical shit that no one wants or asked for but my brain felt compelled to include.

Adore’s POV

This was heaven. I was sitting behind Vi who leaned against me on the couch. I was peppering their soft bald head, that was just under my chin, with kisses while they giggled. They had a book open in one hand and their other hand was wrapped around my neck and running their fingers through the little bit of my hair that had grown back. They sighed happily.

Their phone ringing shattered the peace we had created for the past hour and they groaned.

“Hello?” Violet listened for a minute and sat up abruptly, their book falling to the floor. Their brow furrowed with concern, I could faintly hear a hysterical sounding voice coming from the phone. “Pearl calm down! I can hardly understand you!” Vi crossed their legs and leaned in on themselves, looking upset as they listened. “WHAT? Oh my God no! Is she ok?”

Vi listened for what felt like forever and then sighed, “I’m glad she’s resting right now, have her call me when she wakes up. Maybe I can convince her to go to the hospital. Of course I won’t tell her that. Are YOU ok?”

They listened some more while I ran my fingers lightly up and down their tensed back. “I’m so sorry Pearly.” They murmured, “ok, I understand. Make her call me when she wakes up ok? Thank you for telling me. Ok bye love.”

Vi pressed the off button on their phone and leaned into me, snaking their arms around my middle. I just held onto them while they collected themselves.

“What happened babe?” I asked after a few minutes. I pulled a blanket over them.

“You can’t tell ANYONE! Promise?” They pulled away to look into my eyes, their own pleading.

“I promise. What’s wrong?” They leaned into me again.

“Fame was attacked.” Violet mumbled, their face squished against my chest.

“WHAT?! Is she hurt? What happened?”

“Pearl was really upset, it’s tearing her up inside. I’ve never heard her in such a state. Fame’s face is a little banged up but it’s her ribs that Pearl is worried about. Fame won’t tell anyone what really happened, other than Pearl and Phi Phi. She won’t go to the hospital because they will know she didn’t fall. Pearl says she has a giant boot shaped bruise on her side.”

My stomach lurched painfully, “well fuck! So Pearl thinks you can convince her to go?”

“Yes but Fame can’t know that we know! She left the restaurant because she was having a panic attack and then told everyone she fell chasing after an injured animal. She wouldn’t have even told Pearl and Phi Phi if they hadn’t seen the bruise.”

“And people bought that?” I asked, surprised that people like B and Willam wouldn’t pick up on the blatant lie.

They shrugged into me, “I don’t know if they are buying it or just not saying anything. Michelle is very suspicious, she pulled Phi Phi aside to try to get the scoop.”

I let out a little chuckle, “of COURSE Michelle is suspicious! I would be really concerned if she wasn’t. She’s gonna figure it out though.”

“Probably, I guess Fame is pretty jumpy. She had another panic attack in the bunk last night and Pearl said she passed out when they were getting the story out of her. She couldn’t catch her breath.”

“Oh God! That’s so scary! You gotta convince her to go!” They nodded into my chest. I just held them close, rubbing their back. “I’m going to reschedule my Drs appointment for today.”

“No, don’t do that.” They whined. Of course they didn’t know that I didn’t actually have an appointment, that I was really planning a surprise for them so it wouldn’t be a big deal to reschedule when I went.

“No, I don’t want you to be alone. I know it’s going to be hard for you to try to convince Fame and I don’t want you to be here alone if you’re upset.” I rubbed my hands up and down their arms, they were so cold. “Here,” I pulled down my hoodie from the back of the couch and pulled it onto them, “you’re freezing.” I pulled the hood up and tied it under their chin as they gave me a dorky grin. “You’re so beautiful.” I kissed the tip of their nose. “You are so strong.” I kissed their forehead. “I love you so much.”

They closed the gap between our lips, I brought my hands around their waist to rest on the small of their back, pulling them closer. Their arms wrapped around my neck as our tongues hungrily explored each other’s mouths. They tasted like coffee and chocolate and I needed to touch them. Skin on skin, I snaked my hands up the back of their shirt, their skin was like warm silk to the touch. I ran my hands up and down their slender sides. They moaned into me at the contact and I smiled into the kiss. We sat suspended in time and space, that’s what happened when they kissed me.

I pulled my hands out from their back and they let out a plaintive whine at the back of their throat at the loss of contact.

I put a hand on each side of their face as my gaze met their deep dark brown eyelash-less eyes. Their pupils were expanded and their cheeks flushed rosy red.

“Wait,” I said just as they were leaning back into me with a one sided grin, “you’re so hot.”

“You aren’t too bad yourself mister!” They replied playfully with a wink.

I put my hand on their forehead and frowned, “Well you are but, I didn’t mean it like that this time. You are burning up love.”

“I’m fine, you worry too much. I feel fine aside from a touch of cancer.” They pulled me back in but now that I had noticed it, their lips were hot as fire and they were shivering. They pulled us apart reluctantly.

“On second thought, I think I…I might need you to get s…suh…someone.” They stuttered out, going totally white other than the two cherry red patches on their cheeks.

I don’t think I’ve ever moved so quickly in my entire life. I scooped them up, aghast at how their head flopped backwards until their hands scrabbled around my neck and they were able to hold on as I ran out to the hallway with them still gathered up in my arms. I didn’t want to leave them alone for a second.

“Matt! Where’s Matt!” I yelled out and Violet jumped and let out a groan in protest at the volume of my voice.

“Ugh, why is this happening?” Vi whined weakly.

“I don’t know sweetie! I don’t know! HELP ME!” I hollered as Matt sprinted around the corner.

“What’s going on?” Matt said, dragging the med cart and beckoning me to follow him back into Vi’s room. I laid them gently on their bed, they curled towards Matt into the fetal position with their knees to their chest, shivering violently.

“They got really warm and flushed all of a sudden. It happened out of nowhere. They were totally fine one minute and not the next.”

Matt zipped around, pulling their arm out of their sweater, attaching a blood pressure cuff and pulse ox onto their finger. He took Vi’s temperature, looked at the various machines and frowned.

“Vi?” Matt spoke loudly, they didn’t even flinch at the noise. “JASON?” Matt put a hand on their shoulder and leaned close to their ear. “Does anywhere hurt? Do you have pain anywhere?”

Vi nodded the slightest bit but stayed tight in a ball.

“Can you point to where?” They didn’t move, they were so pale, eyes fluttering as they tried to stay conscious. “Come on Jason, can you point to where your worst pain is?”

Vi nodded again and it seemed to take a superhuman effort for them to drag their arm in and place their splayed fingers over their heart. Which made mine stop.

“What’s going on? Oh God! Is it their heart again?” I panicked.

“One second,” Matt said tersely, unlocking the medcart and pulling out some syringes. “Can you lie on your back for me Hun?”

Vi didn’t respond so Matt and I were about to move them when their arms and legs jerked out and went rigid for the longest 10 seconds of my life. They relaxed and sucked in a big gulp of air, they turned their head to look at me and I cupped their sweaty cheek. I reached and grabbed one of my t-shirts and splashed part of a bottle of water on it and wiped their brow.

“It’s gonna be ok love. Just stay with me.”

Matt pulled down their shirt to look at their chest, peeling back a corner of the bandage over their central line. He scowled again and went back to the med cart, rummaging around and bringing back some more supplies. He tossed a bunch of those instant ice packs on the bed, he cracked one in each hand before shaking them and putting them on their head.

“Take their sweater off and put some of these on that side but keep talking to them for right now Danny,” Matt encouraged. I put both hands on their cheeks to keep them from looking at Matt, who was deftly putting an IV in their hand. Vi barely winced, their eyes swam in their head as if they were unable to focus. Matt took 2 vials of blood and then pushed about 5 different meds through. I kept one hand on their cheek and took an ice pack and smacked it off my hip, surprised at how quickly it got cold. Matt and I packed ice under their armpits and behind their head.

“I’m so tired, I don’t understand what happened? And why does everything look so melty?” Vi whined, looking around with saucer sized eyes that were filling with tears.

“Close your eyes Vi, what you are seeing isn’t real, it’s your fever playing tricks on your eyes. Rest is best love.” Matt soothed.

Violet pulled my hand into theirs, looking scared and small, “will you stay with me Danny?”

“I’m not going anywhere love. Close your eyes, I’m right here.” Vi’s eyes fluttered shut and they sighed, their hand relaxed almost immediately.

“Matt, what the fuck just happened?”

“Their broviac line is infected, the thing with people on chemo is their immune system is pretty damaged so when they get an infection it takes a while for the immune system to react and when it does, everything progresses pretty rapidly. I’ll send a swab and this blood to the lab but in the meantime, I gave them the strongest general antibiotic I could and when we find out what it is, we’ll hit it with a more targeted drug. I threw every fever reducer I could at them since their fever spiked so quickly.”

“Why did they get all stiff like that?”

“It doesn’t happen much in adults but sometimes a really fast, high fever will cause someone’s brain to short circuit and make them have a seizure.”

“Oh my God!” I felt all the blood drain from my face.

“No, no, please don’t worry Danny! Like I said, it’s a freak occurrence. It’s the brain’s way of self balancing. I’ll send these off to the lab, it could still take a day or two for the cultures to grow to tell us exactly what it is. In the meantime, we’ll keep them on general antibiotics until then. The bloodwork will also tell us if the infection has reached their bloodstream which is obviously NOT something we want. The other NP on today is Abby if you need help. I’ll let Dr B know what happened and be right back.”

He zipped out of the room while I mopped Vi’s brow and tried to remember what an NP was. I knew it was a nurse that could basically prescribe meds and order tests when necessary and they had to do extra schooling, Matt had somehow managed to do night classes amongst his already grueling schedule. Being a NP also meant more responsibility and a pay increase.

Vi thrashed about in their sleep, a look of pain and worry shifted across their face. They reached out their hand in front of them and muttered my name.

“I’m here Hun, shhh Jason, I’m right here.” I pulled their hand into mine and pressed my lips on their still-too-warm forehead. They calmed immediately.

“I’ll be right here.” I promised.


	175. Heartbreak in a hotel

Fame’s POV

When I first woke up, I forgot where I was and I forgot all that had happened. All I saw was white stucco ceiling and I tried to automatically sit up which knocked the wind out of me. I fell back onto the nest of pillows arranged on the bed with a grunt.

“Easy! Easy Kurtis!” Pearl’s concerned face appeared above me, “I’m so glad you got some sleep. How are you feeling?”

“How long have I been asleep? I don’t even remember getting up here.”

“About 3 and a half hours. Once we put you in the wheelchair and you kind of passed out again, I think from pain, you weren't really making a whole lot of sense to be honest. Phi Phi yanked the key out of Michelle’s hand before we got there and we sped you up to the room. Thankfully Michelle didn't really see you or hear what you were saying.”

“Yeah thankfully!” Michelle was like a dog with a bone when she knew there was more to a story, she was going to figure it out. I worried my bottom lip with my teeth. 

“Whatcha thinking about pumpkin?” Pearl asked, putting a hand on my shoulder and making me jump out of my skin.

“I’m just worried about Michelle or anyone finding out what happened. I’m so ashamed Matt,” I broke then and I can tell you with certainty that sobbing with broken ribs hurts like a bitch. 

“Hey! Hey! Hey!” Pearl cooed, pulling over some tissues. I tried to wipe my eyes but lifting my arm hurt and I started wailing harder. Pearl cupped my face and wiped off my tears with the pads of his thumbs while I tried to take deep enough breaths to clear the spots crowding my vision.

“Shhhhh Kurtis, you have to calm down. You have NOTHING to be ashamed about, you hear me? She’s not going to find out. Breathe. She isn't going to find out.” I took some shallow breaths. “That's it. You’re ok. You're ok.” Pearl reassured but I wasn't sure if he was reassuring me or himself. He was so pale.

“Can I help you sit up Hun?” Pearl asked after I had calmed down a bit.

I shook my head, “no. I don't want to, it’s gonna hurt more.”

“It is but if you don't move around, it's going to hurt worse for longer. Trust me! Do you trust me?”

“Yes, I trust you.” And I meant it.

“Ok, so I’m going to put one hand behind your back and you are going to grab my other hand with your good side and pull up. I will help as much as I can and when you sit up, I will rearrange the pillows and then you’ll use your legs to push yourself back. Ready?”

“No! But might as well get it over with!” I took a shaky breath and then let out a chorus of grunts and curses. We got as far as him rearranging the pillows but my legs were shaking to much to push myself back. 

“Hold on.” He commanded and yanked the blanket and me backwards. I fell back onto the pillows, out of breath and feeling like fire had taken up residence in my veins. “Here take these, BOTH of them! I don’t want to hear ANY complaints!” He pressed 2 more of Will’s round white percocet into my hand and held a straw up to my lips, I slurped down more than half of the can of diet coke and let out a belch. “Excuse you!” Pearl sniggered and then grew serious before pressing my phone into my hand. I gave him a curious look, “you need to call Vi.”

“Why? Did they call? Are they ok?” I was automatically concerned when I saw Pearl’s guilty face. “You didn’t! Pearl please tell me you didn’t!” He didn’t say anything and wouldn’t look me in the eye, “TELL ME YOU DIDN’T? Matt! Answer me!” I demanded, putting my hand on his leg.

“It just slipped out. I’m sorry!”

“That’s JUST GREAT Matt!! Did they tell Adore? Did they?” I stopped my tirade for a moment to catch my breath. Pearl cleared his throat like he had a lump in it and that is when I noticed his bottom lip was trembling as he barely held it together. I sighed, “I’m sorry Pearly, I know this has been hard on you and I wish so much that you hadn’t seen that bruise. I wish I could just take it back.”

“I don’t!”

“You don’t what?” 

“I don’t wish I hadn’t seen it. Listen I know you feel bad but you are going to need support. You jump at every fucking sound Fame, you’re eyes dart around the room like you are expecting someone to jump out at you. I KNOW that caged-animal look. I would have figured it out and much faster than Michelle ever could. As for whether Adore knows, I don’t know for sure but I’m guessing she can pick up on Vi’s feelings faster than a magnet picks up a tack. Phi Phi should be back from rehearsal soon, she was gonna pick up some pizza on her way back. Call them, I’m going to go get some more ice if you are ok for a minute. Or do you want me to stay?”

“No I’m ok.” Pearl slipped out the door as I powered my phone on. There were several texts from Patrick.

Patrick - Hey hunny, did you get to Seattle ok? 

A second text timestamped 2 hours after the previous said:

Patrick - I haven’t heard from you and I thought you should have been there by now. Please let me know, you know I’m a giant worrywart babe. 

20 minutes ago and 4 missed call notifications later:

Patrick - Hey hun, I just hope you guys haven’t gotten into an accident, I’m REALLY worried Kurtis! If I don’t hear from you in half an hour, I am going to start calling the other girls until I get someone.

Shit! Shit! Shit!He can’t find out about my accident! I frantically typed in

Patrick, I’m fine! I’m so sorry for making you worry sweetie! I wasn’t feeling well so I fell asleep, I guess Pearl must have turned my phone off so it wouldn’t wake me. I’m so sorry love. I’ll call you soon, I’m just waking up and you know how long that takes.

I opened my contacts and jabbed a finger at Vi’s name, might as well get this over with. I pressed the speakerphone button and put my phone on my chest.

“Hello?” But it wasn’t Violet’s confident voice filling the room, it was Adore’s and she was sniffling. I felt my thunderous heart in my throat, I couldn’t help but feel like something was wrong. Maybe I was overthinking it though?

“Adore? Is Vi resting?”

“Mmhmm.” Adore’s voice was really high pitched, she was still sniffling and she let out a suppressed sob.

“What’s wrong Danny?”

“Jason got really, REALLY sick out of nowhere.”

“Are they...are they going to be ok? What happened?”

“They...they,” Adore stuttered out and then the words fell out at an increasing speed. “They got a really bad fever, like it was within a minute, they were delusional and had a seizure. Matt said their central line was probably infected and they sent away tests. We had to cover them with ice packs to try to get their fever down and Matt gave them a bunch of medicine but it’s still pretty high. Kurtis I’m...I’m so afraid right now!”

“Oh God, I’m so sorry Danny. Is there anything you need or I can do?” I felt tears well up in my eyes. I knew it was a dumb thing to say, what can I do all the way from Seattle? But I guess it’s just what you say in a crisis. 

I was surprised when Danny immediately said, “yeah, actually, there is something you can do for Vi.”

“Of course!! Anything! What can I do?”

Adore sighed, “Fame, please go to the hospital and get yourself checked out, Vi would be telling you this themself if they...if they were able to. I’m so sorry about what happened to you and I know you are scared but it’s REALLY important and I know it would mean a lot to them to know that you were ok. I would really like to be able to tell them, when they wake up, that their fashion wifey went and took care of herself.”

I felt the hot tears trickle out of the corners of my eyes. “I’m so scared though. I don’t want everyone to know, I feel so embarrassed Danny. I don’t want to have to talk to the police and I don’t EVER want to see or hear those men again.” I shivered, “they said such awful things to me.” I whispered.

“You have nothing to be embarrassed about Kurtis! What those assholes did to you wasn’t your fault! They deserve to be punished to the FULLEST extent of the law possible! But maybe they won’t call the police if you ask them not to? I don’t know how it works, I know with kids they have to report it but I don’t honestly know about something like this. Something I DO know is that you have a lot of people who love you and we are worried about you. Do you think you can be brave like Vi? Because I think you can. I think they would be so proud.” Adore’s voice was husky with tears.

Violet let out a groan and I heard rustling of sheets. They started crying. It was such a pitiful, weak cry and my heart was breaking.

“Shhh baby, I’m here. You’re ok.” Danny soothed.

“I know you have to go hun but will you let me say hello or will you tell them that I love them?”

“They aren’t awake, they’ve been crying out in their sleep a lot.” His voice cracked and he finished the sentence on a sob. “But I’ll tell them that you called and that you love them. Can I tell them that you are going to go get some help?” 

I sighed and it hurt so much to take in a deep breath. “I’m going to think about it over lunch and then decide. I know you want me to be brave but I’m not. I don’t know if I can do it. I really don’t know.” 

“Listen Kurtis, the person I love most in the world is sick and in pain everyday. It’s torture because I can’t DO anything but be here for them and hold their hand. Your friends are worried about you, you could be seriously hurt but you aren’t going to know until you get help. Please? I’m BEGGING you.” 

Violet coughed violently and let out another whimper. I heard more rustling of the linens and a machine beeped. “Shh sweetie, it’s ok. I’m right here. Fame I have to go, I think something is wrong. Let us know what the hospital says.” With that, Adore hung up. The abrupt silence made my ears ring and my heart ache.

I closed my eyes from the sight of the bland hotel room, feeling more conflicted than I have ever been in my life. On one hand, I wanted to put my friend’s minds at ease and make them proud but I was so scared that they would call the cops and I’d have to tell them the whole embarrassing story.

The door banged open and I almost fell off the bed as I jumped and my eyes snapped open to see Phi Phi and Pearl’s outlines in the door.

“Hunny, we’re home!” Phi Phi said cheerfully.

“How ya doing Pumpkin? How’s Vi?” Pearl said offhandedly before looking at me, he came and sat beside me, putting a hand on my leg. I saw him coming but I still jumped of course, I was getting really sick of feeling so skittish and unsafe. “Hey, what happened?”

“Well I talked with Adore.”

“Oh was Vi at group or something?”

“Or something? Vi got really sick earlier, they were asleep when I called, Adore had to hang up on me because there were alarms going off. Vi was...Vi was crying in their sleep. It was so sad and I...I…” but I was too choked up to finish my sentence.

“You what lovie?” Pearl persisted after a few minutes, handing me a tissue.

“I need to go to the hospital right after you guys eat. Like right away, before I lose my nerve. You gotta hold me to it because I’m so scared.” I admitted. “You don’t have to come with me, I just need you to get me in an uber.”

“Well the best thing about pizza is that it’s portable! We can eat it on the way or while we are waiting.” Phi Phi said, jumping up and shoving the rest of the slice in her hand into her mouth. “I’ll go get the wheelchair.”

“No, no I don’t wanna make a scene! I can walk it.”

“I don’t know hun.” Pearl said doubtfully.

“I have an idea,” Phi Phi interjected, “Why don’t I get the chair and if you don’t need it, I’ll just drop it off at the front desk. I’ll get the uber to come to the back door too. How about that?”

“Ok.” I relented and she shot out the door with another slice of pizza in her hand.

“I’m so proud of you.” Pearl said as he started to move the pillows gingerly away from under my legs. 

“Don’t be too proud of me yet,” I said sardonically, “we have to get me there first.”


	176. M is for MRI and Mom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once I post this, the word count for Roses will be over 180,000 words!

Adore’s POV

“Danny? I thought you had an appointment!” Mom exclaimed as she walked around the corner into Vi’s room, the smile slid off her face as she saw Vi in bed. I wrung out the washcloth in a bucket of ice water and placed it back on their sweating head, I stretched out my aching back and resumed holding their hand. Matt said it was good that they were sweating now, that it meant that hopefully their fever was breaking. 

Mom came and put her arm around my shoulders, “what happened?”

“Um...so Vi and I were just sitting together and they got a really bad fever out of nowhere. They had a seizure because it got so bad, so quickly.” Mom pulled me into a hug and I cried into her shoulder as I held onto her for dear life, breathing in the reassuring scent of her vanilla perfume.

Violet started to whimper and shake their head from side to side, I pulled their hand into mine and pressed my lips on their still too hot forehead. “Shhh love, I’m here. I’m right here, you are ok.” They quieted again and fell back into sleep. 

“Mom, in a minute, can you do me a favour?”

“Of course! What do you need baby?”

“Vi gets restless if I’m not right here, I don’t know why. But I really need to go take a piss so bad! Could you sit with them for a minute? I couldn’t bare to leave them alone.”

“I can do that.”

“I wanna wait for a minute to make sure that they are asleep again.”

“How long have you been standing by the bed? Do they know what caused the fever yet? What are they doing to treat it?”

“Oh I’ve only been here about 3 or 4 hours. Matt said that they had an infection in their central line, he also said that they had really low counts of a type of white blood cell called neu…um...neutrophils I think. That is why they got so sick, so fast. He gave them fever reducers, an antibiotic and sent off tests. Then he came back and told me about the blood cells and that’s when he hooked them up to that medicine.” I pointed to the small bag of liquid beside the bag of saline that was going into their IV. “That is supposed to help them make more of those cells. He said it was a good sign that they were sweating but their fever hadn’t gone down much since the last time he checked it but any amount is better than none. Mama, he was trying not to show it but I think Matt’s worried and it’s fucking freaking me out.”

“Understandably so! Vi is so strong though hunny and I think...” 

Just then my phone rang, I saw Pearl’s picture come up on the screen.

Mom looked at my face and whispered, “You look like you need to get that, I’ll take over love.” Mom whispered, replacing my hand with her own and frowning as she felt Vi’s forehead.

“Hey Pearly,” I said when I clicked the answer button, “just give me a second. I’m in the hallway.” I made my way towards the little balcony that a lot of parents used as a place to take a little break. It was deserted and I plunked down on one of the benches. “Ok I’m outside and alone, what’s going on? How’s Fame?”

“Whatever you said to her, it got through to her so thank you! We are at the hospital, Fame was just sent in to get an MRI scan so I thought I’d take the opportunity to call you when I had a moment. They gave Fame some pain medication and an anti-anxiety med because of the closed in space in the MRI and because they did end up having to call the police, they haven’t come yet. Fame was practically vibrating, she was shaking so hard. I feel so fucking bad for her, if only I noticed that she left the restaurant.”

“Hey, don’t do that to yourself. Please don’t Pearly.”

“I’m really trying not to, like really hard.” Pearl said with a waver in his voice. “How’s Vi?”

I sighed and pinched my nose. “They still have a pretty high fever, they’ve been asleep most of the day. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t worried. They are getting some medication that should help, I hope. I think they are having bad dreams because they get really restless, my Mom is with them right now. All we can do is wait.”

“Same here, I’m so glad Fame is getting checked out so thank you again because you convinced her. I have to go, Fame should be back in the room but I’ll check in with you later. Text me when you have any updates and I’ll do the same. Ok? Bye.” Pearl hung up on me and I rushed to the bathroom and then back to Vi’s room.

I resumed holding Vi’s hand, sitting in the chair my Mom pushed behind up me. We sat in silence and much to my surprise, about half an hour later, Vi’s eyes fluttered open.


	177. Memories of Spiraling

Pearl’s POV

I hung up with Adore and headed back inside. I sent an exhausted but still protesting Phi Phi back to the hotel with the promise I would text her once we knew anything. I cancelled tonight because I wouldn’t feel right leaving Fame alone, whether we are still here at the hospital or back at the hotel.

I went up to the front desk, “hey there, can you please let me back in? I’m with Kurtis Dam-Mikkelsen.”

“Yeah,” was all the sour-faced nurse behind the glass said before pressing a button that would let me through the doors and back into the ER. For a hospital called Good Samaritans, they all seemed to be pretty fucking bitchy.

I just got back to Fame’s room as they wheeled her bed around the corner. She was barely awake but mumbled, “Hey, good timing Pearly. How’s Vi?” 

“Adore said Vi was still resting when I spoke with her, they seem to be having bad dreams and their fever was still pretty high. The hospital gave Vi some new medication so hopefully that will help things.”

“Yeah, I heard them whimpering in their sleep when I talked to Danny, it was heartbreaking. Danny must be crushed.”

“He’s pretty upset, understandably. Why don’t you close your eyes and rest for a bit Pumpkin?” I suggested.

“Did they say when the police were coming?” Fame asked, panic evident in her tired eyes.

“No they didn’t but I promise I’ll wake you up if you are sleeping when they or the Dr get here. C’mon, take advantage of those meds and rest while you can.” I reached over and turned off the overhead light, it was still plenty bright in the room with the light from the hall that spilled under the cheap ugly pastel curtain. I stuck my bottom lip out and batted my eyelashes, “pweeease Famey Wamey?”

She smiled and her forehead unwrinkled for the first time since we got there, “thank you for coming with me Matt. I’m sorry you’re missing the show, you can go though, I know they will take good care of me here.” 

I grabbed her hand and she held on with a vice grip, “I am not leaving you. You are totally stuck with me, now sleep woman!” 

She let out a sigh, “fine!” She yawned and closed her eyes, within moments her hand relaxed in mine and I set it down gently and pulled the white scratchy blanket up to Fame’s chin.

I plopped back down in the hard chair beside the bed, looking around at all the medical instruments on the wall and the IV pole that was slowly dripping liquid into Fame’s veins. I hadn’t actually paid attention to my surroundings until now, images of being in the hospital sprang into my head. Being in pain, feeling ashamed and unsafe, having my tormentors come masquerading as friends. Wanting to die, every moment of every day, just to get away from my own thoughts. Spiraling out of control.

I pulled myself out of those dark thoughts, turning my phone on and flipping through my social media, reading anything to distract myself. I sent a message off to Phi Phi as promised, hoping she was having a nap.

Hey Pheefs, Fame is back from her MRI. No news yet, police haven’t come yet. I hope this doesn’t wake you if you are getting in a quick nap.

I had just started playing level 39 of candy crush when Phi Phi responded.

Phi Phi - I’m awake but I have red bull so it’s ok. ;) Thanks for the update. Michelle is on the warpath, she’s pretty pissed that we went to the hospital without telling her. You would think we’re all kids on a school trip and she’s a chaperone. I guess she can’t help it, it’s just the Mom in her coming out. I think she is relieved that Fame went and that you are with her but you know Michelle, she is a fan of control.

I chuckled and sent back:

Sorry you had to deal with the brunt of that, I’m sure I’ll hear about it too. Ok I will stop texting you, I know you have to paint. Have a great show! Break a lash!

I tucked my phone into my pocket and picked up a discarded old Cosmo magazine that Fame had snagged from somewhere. Someone cleared their throat before pulling the curtain back to reveal two uniformed Seattle police officers, a burly older gentleman with greying hair and a ruddy complexion only alcoholism could supply and a petite doe-eyed girl who looked like she was fresh from the academy, her dull brown hair pulled severely into a bun.

“Kurtis?” I put my hand on Fame’s shoulder, she jumped and winced before blanching at the sight of the officers.

I reached over and pulled her hand into mine, trying to radiate strength.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ack another cliff hanger! I'm sorry! All will be revealed, I'm writing as fast as I can!   
> Love n Glitter,   
> Remény


	178. migraines and metal tubs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m trash. Why do you read this shit? lol

Violet’s POV

I woke up to the most horrendous headache, the light in the room seemed to glow phosphorescently as the faces of Danny and his Mom multiplied and then coalesced together again.

“I’ll go get someone Danny.” Bonnie said and I heard her quick footsteps retreating

My eyes squinted shut again immediately and I put my hands up to shield my eyes, letting go of Danny’s hand. A sharp pang and pulling sensation made me notice I had an IV in the back of my right hand. I couldn’t remember getting it. I didn’t know it was possible but I was hot and cold all at once. I heard footsteps and then a tinkle of water.

“Here hun,” Danny whispered and placed something cold and wet over my eyes, blocking out a good portion of light.

I sighed and started to say thank you but my head was hurting so bad. I put my hands back over my eyes, I felt like there was so much pressure in my head that they were going to pop out if I didn’t hold my hands over them.

I heard footsteps approaching and Matt’s soft voice whispered near my ear. “Hey Vi, talk to me.”

“Head hurts. Too bright.” Was all I was able to get out before I sat upright and threw up all over my lap, doing the best I could to hold the cloth against my eyes with my shaking hand while the other pushed the blanket off myself when I had stopped.

“Here love,” Danny said softly, pressing the cold plastic of a Ross bucket into my hand and pulling off the soiled blankets, he put his hand on my back and rubbed slow circles with his thumb. “Do you want me to put the bed up?”

I put down Ross bucket and held my thumb and pointer finger up to signify a little and waved my hand when it was high enough. The blood pressure cuff on my arm squeezed painfully.

“Vi, do you have a history of migraines? I’m going to check your temperature now. What’s your pain out of 10?” I felt the thermometre go in my ear and although I knew Matt was being gentle, it still hurt like hell.

“No, 12.” I grunted before I was seized by another vicious bout of nausea and disappeared behind the bucket. The violence in which I threw up made me feel like my head was about to explode.

“Ok I’m going to give you some migraine and nausea meds. Lay back hun, Danny’s going to cover your eyes so you can give me your hand so I can access your IV.” I put my head back and felt Danny’s hands go over my eyes like a twisted, painful game of guess who. I was being covered up again as Matt messed around with the IV in my hand. I wanted to ask why it was there and why my chest burned but I knew if I opened my mouth, words wouldn’t be what came out.

“I will be right back,” Matt said, he sounded worried. That made me worried. The cloth on top of my head was removed and a cold one replaced it. The ice packs around my head and behind my neck were gingerly replaced with fresh ones. Danny and Bonnie didn’t speak but I could almost hear the looks they shared over my throbbing head. Minutes passed, Danny and his Mom shifted positions so Bonnie’s vanilla scented hands went over my eyes so Danny could hold my hand.

I didn’t know if my head was feeling better or if I was just too tired to care. I was too afraid of the light to take off the cloth and open my eyes. I heard footsteps and it sounded like more than one person but I couldn’t be sure.

“Hi Jason, it’s Dr Bailey.” I tried to take the cloth off my eyes but felt her hand stop me, “please leave that on. Your eyes may still be sensitive, unfortunately migraines can coincide with neutropenia. We are concerned your fever is still very much in the danger zone although it has gone down. Matt is going to give you some more anti-fever medication and if it hasn’t gone down in the next half an hour, we will have to discuss alternate measures. How is your head now? Out of 10?”

“A 6 but I’m so confused. What is going on?” I winced at the high pitched whine that had crept into my voice.

Dr Bailey told me all that happened, my white blood cell count being nonexistent, what meds they gave me, my suspected line infection, that my fever went up to 104.3 degrees, that I had a seizure because of it and that I’ve been sleeping for most of the day. Not just sleeping but crying in my sleep which was more than embarrassing. Matt gave me meds and said he would be back in half an hour. I wanted to ask what the alternate measures were for my fever while she inspected my line but I was too scared to.

I heard the snap of Dr Bailey taking off her gloves and she made a tsk tsk noise that felt deeply disturbing, no one wants to hear a puzzled tsk from their Dr!

“Well the good news is that I don’t think your line needs to be removed at the moment. We’ll keep you on broad spectrum antibiotics until we get the cultures back. Any questions?”

“No.” My head was feeling swimmy and weighed down again and I knew I was going to fall asleep any second.

I felt Dr Bailey’s cool, small hand on my arm, “I will be back to check in. This is a common complication to the type of cancer you have and the chemo you are on but the good news is it is very treatable and preventable so it doesn’t happen again. Get as much rest as you can, Matt will be back to monitor you and we’ll go from there.”

I nodded and heard her footsteps retreat. I yawned and my head fell forward, it was like the bones in my neck turned to jello and I faintly remembered feeling like this and Danny carrying me. Danny put a hand on my forehead and held it while he lowered the head of the bed.

“Do you want me to rinse out the cloth over your eyes love or are they still too sensitive?” Bonnie asked softly.

“Yes, please.” I prepared myself to cover my eyes but the room no longer looked like it was under a thousand watt spotlight. My eyes still watered but I was able to keep them open and look around. I was hooked up to fluids and there were 2 smaller bags of medication but my eyes were too blurry to read them. My eyes travelled to Danny’s face, always right beside me, holding my hand.

“Hey there you.” Danny said with one of the lopsided wistful grins he was famous for.

“Hey yourself,” I responded in a whisper with a weak smile.

“Here ya go Dollie.” Bonnie said, covering my eyes again and eliciting a soft sigh from me. The cloth on my head was removed and replaced. My head lolled to the side as I nodded off for a second before jolting myself awake with the feeling that I was falling. I still didn’t know why I had been crying in my sleep but I was afraid of something and I didn’t want to find out what. Once again, I was afraid of sleeping, something I knew that I needed.

“Don’t be afraid, we’re right here. Nothing bad is going to happen to you Vi and you don’t need to be embarrassed about crying in your sleep or EVER, about anything. If you want me to, I will wake you up if you get really scared and I won’t leave your side for a minute. I promise.” Danny comforted, I don’t know how but he always seemed to know what I was thinking. It was weird but awesome. His hand caressed my face, “you’re still so warm.” I could hear the frown in his voice. “Rest...please.”

I nodded and Danny started humming a tune I couldn’t place. It wasn’t long until my consciousness faded out.

\---

I woke up cold and wet.

“They’re coming around, Jason can you hear me? JASON?”

My eyes fluttered open to the strangest sight. Danny had me cradled on his lap. Bonnie was holding my hand with the IV in it up and had a hand behind my head. Matt and Dr Bailey were staring at me intently like they could X-Ray my insides. The weirdest part was Danny and I were sitting in a big stainless steel tub of ice water, his teeth were chattering in my ear.

I lifted my head up, “what?”

“Your fever got bad again, this was the only way.” Danny said through blue tinged lips and I remembered he had held me in a cold shower once before because of a fever.

Dr Bailey picked up my wet noodle of an arm and took my pulse while Matt stuck a thermometre in my ear again.

“It’s down to 100.9!” Matt announced and the room let out a relieved sigh.

“How bad?” I croaked.

“105.2, you had two more seizures, one on the way here and one when we were getting you in to the tub. Danny didn’t hesitate to help. Like I said before, he’s a keeper.” Dr Bailey beamed at him. “How about we get you both out of there now?”

Danny tried to stand up with me in his arms but he was shaking too much to feel safe enough to lift me. Matt tried to get me himself but I was like an overcooked noodle, dead weight and slippery. It took two nurses to lift me onto a gurney with Bonnie supporting my head, I felt like a baby. Matt quickly stripped off my wet gown while everyone averted their eyes, replacing it with a dry one while another nurse and Bonnie took towels to dry me off.

Matt moved over to Danny and helped him get out of the tub and sit in a nearby wheelchair that Dr Bailey hastily pushed up. She was talking to him in a quiet voice, while Matt helped him strip off his wet shirt so she could listen to his heart.

“I’ll take Jason back to their room.” The other nurse said.

“I want to stay with Danny.” I whined.

“Mom, go with them please. I’ll be right there my love.” Danny grabbed my hand, “I’ll be right there. Ok?”

I nodded and letting go of his freezing hand was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.


	179. Knight in shining armour

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've subjected y'all to so many cliffhangers this week, I couldn't leave you hanging again!

Adore’s POV

“I’m fine, I just want to get back to them!” I grumbled. It was just Matt and I left in the room, he had helped me into a pair of flannel pajamas stamped with the hospital logo and had piled heated blankets on me. I was hunched in on myself as he checked my temperature and pulse for the thousandth time. I wasn’t shivering as violently as before but I was so tired and irritable. I pulled blankets off myself.

“Ok, I know you’re impatient to get back to them. Come on.” Matt held his hands out to help me up but I ignored him. I stood up and promptly pitched forward as I tripped over my own two feet. “Whoa! Easy Danny!” Matt shouted, catching me so I didn’t break myself on the cement floor, he sat me down and gathered the blankets around me once more. He gave me a hard look and knelt so he was eye level. “Listen, I know you want to get back to them and we are going to do that but you listen to me Danny Noriega,” he lectured sharply, “we are going to do this the safe way. You did something crazy brave and strong by getting in there with Vi and I know you will do anything for them but they would want to make sure you are ok. Danny when you got out of that tub you were blue, your heartbeat was irregular and your temperature 96.2 degrees. NINETY-SIX DANNY! Usual body temperature is 98.6!” His voice softened, “I know that you want to be with them and we are going to do that now. You’re back up to almost a regular temperature but you are going to stay in this damn chair for a bit until I can make sure you’re steady and safe. You literally risked your life for them, I think they would understand that we need to make sure you’re ok. Let’s go see how they are now, shall we?”

I nodded and Matt started to push me, people’s eyes followed me in the hallway and I wondered if that was how the patients felt when they walked or were wheeled down the hall. I could have a thousand eyes on me any given night but this made me squirm.

We turned in to Vi’s room, they were sitting up, biting their nails and looking worried. Mom was rubbing their back and saying “he’ll be here soon, I’m sure he’s ok. Just breathe.” She looked just as worried as them but was trying not to let on.

“Danny!” Vi shouted, Matt pushed me up to the side of the bed and Vi cupped my face in their hands. “You crazy ass. I love you but don’t you EVER do anything stupid like that again! I’m not worth risking your life baby!!” They pulled me into a tight hug and I was glad to see they had some of their strength back, they sobbed into my shoulder, “I just couldn’t live with myself if something happened to you. I’d rather die.”

“Don’t SAY that.” I moaned into their shoulder and sniffled. “I’d do it again.”

“You better not!” They threatened.

I pulled away and gave them a stern look as they wiped my tears away with the pads of their thumbs. “Then YOU better not do that to me again then. Deal?” I quipped, pretending I had more strength than I did.

Mom saw through it though. “I think that you should get into bed for a little bit Danny-boy.”

I rubbed my eyes, “I’m ok, I want to be with Vi.” 

Vi turned my head by holding onto my chin so they could look directly into my eyes. “I think I need a nap too. Why don’t you curl up on the couch and if she doesn’t mind, your Mom can read us some Harry Potter? I’m dying to know how Harry did in the second task, aren’t you?” I nodded and they looked relieved that they didn’t have to fight with me, their eyes drooped with sleep. I leaned over and pulled them into a quick kiss, they still felt warm to me but then again, I was still very cold.

“Ok you two, I’m going to take BOTH of your temperatures and then you are BOTH going to get some rest.” Matt announced, putting a hand on each of our shoulders. 

“Yes SIR!” Vi saluted.

“Oh geez! Now I KNOW you’re feeling better. Glad to have you back hun. You are at 99.8! Not too bad but we will still be keeping a close eye on it. We asked for one of the cooling blankets from the ICU but hopefully you won’t need it. Ok you next Danny,” he stuck the thermometre in my ear until it beeped loudly, making me jump. “Sorry Hun! Hey you are up to 97.7! I'll go get you some more warm blankets and be right back. Need anything else?”

“Pain meds?” Vi asked.

Matt looked at the clock and frowned, “yes I will go get those! No wonder you're in pain, they are over an hour late! Why didn't you speak up sooner?”

“It wasn't really my top priority, I was a bit preoccupied waiting to see if my boyfriend, who just risked his life to save me like the knight in fucking shining armour he is, was ok.” 

“True! Be right back.”

Mom came around to me and grabbed the wheelchair handles. “Wait! I must kiss my queen before I take my wheeled steed to the bed.” I announced in a deep voice.

“Dork!” Vi giggled, slapping my shoulder. I wanted to listen to that giggle every minute of every day. We quickly kissed, then I lifted the cloth on their head and kissed their forehead. Mom pushed me over to the sofabed, I hadn’t even noticed that she had made the bed. She took the blankets off me, smoothing them on top of the already large pile of blankets and pulling down the sheets. Her steadying arm stayed on my elbow but I was much less clumsy now that I wasn’t shivering. I curled into a ball on my side as my Mom covered me, the weight of the blankets was comforting as was the kiss my Mom pressed onto my forehead. She went over and tucked Vi’s thin blanket up to their chin, placing a kiss on their forehead too. 

“Hey Danny?” Vi said, sounding half asleep.

“Yeah?”

“Did Pearl or Fame call?”

“Yes, Fame called and I convinced her to go. I told her that was what you would want. They were at the hospital when Pearl called me while Fame was having an MRI.”

“Good, I’m so glad she went.” I could hear the relief in their voice.

“What happened with Fame?” Mom questioned with concern evident in her voice.

“She had an accident but didn’t want to go to the hospital.” I said.

“What kind of accident?”

“She fell.” Vi said before I had a chance to open my mouth, something I was glad about since my Mom could tell when I was lying.

“Oh dear. I hope she’s ok!” 

“Well she’s getting taken care of and Pearl is with her, I feel a whole hell of a lot better knowing that!” Vi said with a yawn and then a hiss of pain. 

Matt arrived back into the room like a whirlwind, giving my Mom an armful of warmed blankets to spread over me while he gave Vi their meds and hooked them up to a new bag of fluids.

The heat was seeping through the blankets and I was finally warm. My eyes drifted shut as I fell into an exhausted sleep.


	180. lost chapter!!

Hi y'all,  
I don't quite know how it happened but it seems that I've missed posting a chapter from earlier in the story. The chapter where Fame is found and lies to everyone. I'm so sorry! If you want to read it, it's been added as chapter 169.


	181. Laws and Lies

Pearl’s POV

“WHAT? BUT THAT’S BULLSHIT!” I blurted out to the cops, balling my hands into fists and standing up from the chair so quickly that it made a loud scraping noise.

Fame was crumpled in on herself, sobbing while she held her arms around her chest. After recounting every ugly word and blow from the two assholes that put us in this predicament, all the cops could say was we should have filed it in Idaho where it had happened.

Officer Elise Jacks had looked miserable as she told us the creeps would only get a slap on the wrist for assault rather than a more serious sentence for a hate crime if they WERE caught and convicted. Gay people aren’t a protected class in Idaho like we are in Washington State.*

“Watch your language young man!” Sergeant Smith barked and puffed up immediately. His face went even redder and a vein in his forehead bulged.

I opened my mouth to respond but Fame choked out, “Pearl no. Don’t!” She reached out a hand and wrapped it around my wrist.

“Sorry.” I mumbled, knowing it would just make things worse if this asshole of a cop decided to flex his authority and arrest me. He seemed like the type.

“Sergeant, can I speak to you for a minute?” Officer Jacks asked, pulling the stout man aside to have whispered conversation. The Sergeant tipped his hat and quickly left the room without another word.

“Sorry about him,” she looked embarrassed, “and I’m sorry that there aren’t National laws about hate crimes. I’m sorry that those men did that to you Mr Dam-Mikkelsen.”

“Thank you.”

“Ok we have your contact information and we’ll be in touch.” She turned to leave.

“Wait...please?”She paused in between the parted curtains and looked back at us. Fame continued, “I don’t think I want to bother pressing charges.”

“FAME! NO! You can’t do that!” 

I yanked my arm out of her grip way too harshly and immediately regretted it when she doubled in on herself but she exploded before I could apologize.

“Why the HELL not?! It happened to ME! It’s MY body that’s hurt! They’re not going to FIND them and I’ll just be waiting for calls to be reminded of what happened and that we don’t matter.” Her voice took on a hysterical tone and the words she said next were rent from her soul as she screamed them before ending in a sob, “WE DON’T MATTER MATT!!” Fame covered her face and wailed, crying so hard she would stop breathing but then it changed to her hyperventilating and her eyes going wide with fear like they had on the bus before she’d fainted. 

I pulled her into my chest gently and spoke in her ear. “Okay, Okay! Breathe Kurtis, calm down.” An alarm started to beep rapidly.

“I’ll go get someone, I’ll check in with you later before we file any paperwork!” Officer Jacks disappeared behind the swinging curtain.

It felt like the cubicle got incredibly small as 2 nurses and a Doctor rushed in, one of the nurses pulled me away from Fame as the other 2 worked on her. Slipping an oxygen mask over Fame’s face and cranking a knob on the wall, one injecting meds into Fame’s IV, all speaking medical gibberish that went completely over my head. I felt like my brain was going to explode with the frustration and worry I was feeling.

Fame’s eyes drooped from whatever meds they gave her yet she struggled to stay awake for a few minutes longer until she finally closed her eyes, one hand over her chest. One of the nurses and the Dr left without a second look back. The third went over to look at the monitors and fiddle with Fame’s IV in her arm, she was about to leave without telling me anything.

“Hey, hey, what just happened? I need some information please?”

“We gave him some more pain medication and an antianxiety medication since he seemed to be having a panic attack.”

“Ok, so do we know any results from the tests you did? Am I going to be able to take him home tonight?”

“Yes, you’ll have to ask the Dr about that.”

“Well, can you send him back in?” I said, frustration evident in my voice.

“Oh I’m sure he’s gone but I’ll tell him when I see him dear.” She said patronizingly, patting me on my shoulder before quickly exiting the room. I plunked down in the chair and pinched the bridge of my nose. Fame’s cell started ringing so I sped over and riffled through the pile of neatly folded clothes on a table in the corner. She didn’t even stir.

“Hello? Fame’s phone.” I greeted in a loud whisper.

“Hi, is this Pearl?” Came Patrick’s confused voice. “Where’s Kurtis?”

“He’s here, he’s just resting.”

“He’s still not feeling well? Oh my poor baby! He was telling me you were taking good care of him, thank you. Maybe he should get checked out by a Doctor?”

“He is, we are at the hospital just waiting back on texts. He’s all doped up on pain meds right now so he’s comfortable. They took some blood and did an MRI and an X-Ray so we should know something soon.” I reassured.

“Wait, what?” He asked, sounding perplexed, “I thought Kurtis had the flu or a migraine or something?”

“I thought you talked to him?”

“I texted with him, he was supposed to call me but I never heard back from him, I thought maybe he fell asleep again.” He grumbled and then sighed. “What’s going on Matt?”

“Uh well...um…” I sputtered.

“Matt, just tell me.” He commanded in a clipped voice.

“Ok, sorry. Kurtis was feeling a bit panicky in the little restaurant that we stopped at and then…” So what do I say next? Do I tell him what really happened or the cockamamie story Fame fabricated?

“Matt? You there? And then what?” Patrick insisted.

“Fame tripped and fell.” It wasn’t a total lie.

“Oh no!! Did he hit his head or something?” The concern and panic in his voice was heart wrenching.

“He didn’t hit his head, he scraped up his hands but it is his ribs that I’m worried about. I’m going to make an educated guess that at least a few of them are broken.”

“What should I do? Should I come there?”

“No, I would hold off until we know what kind of condition he is in. I think he wants to stay on the tour if he can and that actually makes sense because there would be someone around to help him all the time and he should only miss a few days of performing because they will suggest that he is active and moving around. If he’s alone, he might not be as active.” There was silence from the other end and I wondered if we’d been disconnected, “Patrick?”

“Uh yeah...um I’m here. I just really don’t know what to say or do.” Patrick’s voice was gruff with emotion.

“I know hun, Fame or I will let you know as soon as we know anything. I promise you that! Hopefully we get some news soon.”

“Yes please.” He sniffed, “can you tell Kurtis to call me when he wakes up? Whether you have news or not. I just need to hear his voice.”

“I will, I promise.”

“Thank you for looking after him Matt, I just can’t thank you enough. I’ll have my phone on me. Bye for now.”

“Bye Patrick, try not to worry. He’s in good hands.” I clicked the phone off and sat back down, pocketing Fame’s phone incase it rang again.

I pulled out my phone and sent Phi Phi a quick message that we still had no news. She wouldn’t get it for a bit since the show was going to start shortly. 

I was so tired but I wanted to stay awake in case the Dr came in but my eyes kept drifting shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *this is actually disgustingly true, same with Trans people, gender in general is not a protected class per Idaho Statute 18-7902 Updated July 1st, 2017


	182. Suspicion and Scars

Katya’s POV

Alaska and I had our makeup sprawled out across the wide counter of the double vanity in the hotel bathroom. We had spent the afternoon leisurely having coffee in one of my favourite Seattle cafes and shopping. But something was niggling at the back of my mind though and it wouldn’t let me fully relax.

Alaska sighed, slammed her brush down on the counter and spun to face me. “I KNOW something is bothering you, spill it Bri!” He came and threw his arms around me, I rested my head on his shoulder.

“The thing is, I am not even fully sure what is bothering me. Something about last night, about what happened to Fame, just doesn’t make sense.”

“Well maybe if you say what you’re thinking, it will make it clearer? Or we can figure it out together. How about that?”

“Ok, well when we found Fame, she said she fell on her side right?”

“Yeah,” Justin nodded, bumping his chin lightly against the top of my head. 

“If she fell on her side and hurt her ribs, why wasn’t she found lying on her hurt side. I mean, you SAW her too! She couldn’t even straighten up let alone roll over. Plus she was knocked out but she didn’t hit her head?”

He pulled away from me with a shocked look on his half painted face, “hmmm. Maybe Fame passed out from pain?”

I looked at him doubtfully. “Oh another thing...so if she fell with her arms out and the ground hit her nose…” I mused out loud. “Did she get up and fall again? I don’t know. It just doesn’t make sense.” I chewed on the inside of my lip. Justin’s forehead bunched together with worry. I shouldn’t have told him. I should really stop saying everything that comes into my overactive neurotic brain like I have verbal and mental Montezuma's revenge. 

“Hey? Are you in there?” I heard him say in a distant voice as if we were across a football field from each other and not in each other’s personal space. I shook my head like a dog shaking water out of it’s ears. “Benny being an ass again?”

I raked my hand down my face without thinking, smearing my foundation. “Shit! I shouldn’t burden people by saying every single thing Benny throws at me. I’m sorry.” I looked at the ground, feeling my face redden under my makeup for being such a spaz.

He put his crooked pointer finger under my chin and forced me to look at him. “You are not a burden and if you can’t share with people who care about you, who can you? You can tell me anything Kat. I promise that you aren’t a burden to me. Not at all. You make some good points, maybe something else happened, maybe it didn’t. She has seemed pretty jumpy, even when we found her, she was scared. Oh no! I think something happened to Fame, something bad.” He frowned, thinking deeply.

I sighed, “I’m going to text Pearl. She knows something is up. I KNOW she does and if she won’t talk, we can corner Phi Phi because you KNOW that she knows too.” I felt my stomach burble with anxiety and clamped my hand over it. “I don’t want to be right ‘Lasky, I really don’t want to be right,” I fretted. 

He gently ran his hands up and down my arms and leaned in to kiss the top of my head, “I don’t want you to be right either but Fame is going to need us in the coming weeks. If she was...if something happened to her, she’s going to need emotional support too.” His voice dropped to a husky whisper, “we can see bruises and wounds heal but emotional scars can open over and over again.” I slipped my hands around behind him and rubbed his back as I just held him. There was nothing I could say, I knew Justin had lived through some tumultuous times and when he was speaking about emotional scars, he was speaking about himself. He sighed into my neck and melted into me. We just stood there, slightly swaying from side to side as if dancing to some unheard music. 

After a few minutes, he squeezed me tight and I knew that was a signal that he was ok. We broke apart, both letting out a little sigh. He resolutely went over and dabbed a stray tear from his cheek and picked up his brush again. 

I picked up my phone and punched in a text to Pearl before Benny could change my mind.

Me - Pearl, I know what happened to Fame. I know she didn’t fall. 

Then I put my phone down and picked up my own brush, trying to repair the streaked mess that was my face.


	183. Homocidal Homo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised! Sorry I've been so neglectful of the story lately but now that my hallowe'en and Christmas fics are out of my system, I can get back to hopefully finish up Roses soon. I am working on an optional epilogue as well and sometimes even though I haven't finished writing the story, I know what's gonna happen so I write the epilogue for a bit.  
> Happy Christmas/Chanukkah/Yule/Kwanza/Holiday Monday to you and yours! Stay safe and remember, if you don't have supportive family, we get to make our own. You are valid. Your pronouns are important. Your sexuality is not up for debate. You are loved.

Phi Phi’s POV

I love the post-show euphoria, fresh off a meet and greet with the best Phans anywhere. The feeling of contentment that you are living your dream. The adrenaline rush was unlike anything else, I hummed to myself as I quickly changed into some more comfortable clothes. I noticed my phone lit up as I pulled my makeup wipes out of my bag. I frowned as I read Pearl’s angry and mis-spelt text.

Pearl - U told Katya? Do yuo WANT me t kill you? She’s gona tell Alaska who can’t keep anythng from her bestie Sharon! And after I’m done killing you, FAME IS GOIN TO KLIL YOU!

I angrily typed in:

Me- Pearl! I didn’t tell ANYONE! I promised I wouldn’t!! I PROMISED! I wouldn’t do that to her! I have no idea what you are talking about!

Pearl - BULLSHIT! Katya texted me that she knew what happened and that Fame didn’t fall!

I jabbed in a response as I stood up and stalked around the room, looking for the skinny Russian queen and her even skinnier Alien boyfriend, getting more livid by the moment.

Me- Did Katya SAY I told her?! Because she hasn’t even SPOKEN 2 words to me tonight!!

And then the three dancing dots appeared, knowing Pearl was formulating a much larger response to ream my ass out for something I didn’t do, I stalked out the side door to see if Katya was out smoking.

Sure enough, Katya was there with her head back mid-laugh while Alaska gazed at her annoyingly adoringly. They stopped when they saw me steaming from the ears in the doorway.

“Oh heeeyy Pheephs!” Alaska greeted me in an unnaturally high voice as she feigned innocence. “How ya doing?”

“Well...you see...I just got my ass handed to me by Pearl for something I didn’t do.” I spat out, punctuating my words by jabbing the cell phone clenched in my hand in their direction.

“Listen, Jeremi…” Katya started, putting her hands out.

“Oh DON’T ‘listen Jeremi’ me! I promised I wouldn’t say anything and now Pearl is PISSED at me! Even if I didn’t say anything, you KNOW how Pearl is. She’s gonna fucking close up again and it’s going to be YOUR FUCKING FAULT!!”

“JER STOP!!” I heard Alaska plead and felt a hand on my shoulder. Alaska’s hand. My hand was clenched around a fistful of a scared looking Katya’s Tshirt. How did I get to this? I let it go and stumbled backwards, landing on my ass and putting my face in my hands and bursting into loud, messy tears. My phone clattering to the ground. I stiffened momentarily when Alaska wrapped her arm around me, sitting beside me. I felt Katya sit on the other side of me, placing my phone on my leg.

“I...I’m sorry Kat.”

“Hey, hey, it’s ok! You’re ok. We are all going to be ok! Fame too.” Katya murmured, “I’m going to text Pearl now, I’ll get this all straightened out, I promise.” Katya frantically started tapping away with her thumbs.

I nodded mutely. I can’t believe I lost my temper like that. All this stuff with Fame and Pearl was digging up the rage that bubbled barely under the surface some days. Usually, aside from bitchy comments, I was able to keep my shit in check but I was so damn tired, which totally didn't help with my shoddy impulse control. I breathed in through my nose and out through my mouth, keeping my eyes closed but letting my hands fall into my lap.

“Phi Phi come here.” Alaska said, trying to pull me towards her chest. “I said come here you. You’re shaking!” Alaska fretted, pulling her sweater off and draping it over my shoulders, she wiggled closer to me and pulled my stiff body in. I finally relented, putting my head on her shoulder and leaning into her. I started crying again, I wasn't even sure what I was crying about. Kat was going to sort it out. Pearl has to forgive me. I didn’t DO anything!

Katya reached over and linked her arm with mine. Her phone dinged and it made me jump. Then my phone dinged making all three of us huddled together jump.

Pearl - It seems I’ve been fucking misinformed. Sorry Pheefs! I really am. Can you please swear the Russian and the Alien to secrecy? Tell them to keep it quiet if they don’t wish to die a slow and painful death from evisceration with a rusty spoon wielded by one pissed off drag queen.

I burst out with a little giggle and typed in

Me - Gee thanks so much for that mental image lol I’ll tell them. How’s Fame? Are you ok?

Pearl - You’re welcome! Police came, were absolutely no help, I’ll explain it all later. Fame’s conked out, they gave her some pain meds and had to give her anti-anxiety meds because the police got her all riled up. I’m tired but fine. Just remembering shit I don’t really want to.

Me - I will get a ride over there after I ditch the Russian and Alien and then you can go back to the hotel and have a rest. Did they say if she’d be released or admitted tonight yet?

Pearl - They haven’t said anything!! It’s driving me fucking bonkers! You don’t have to come over, you worked tonight, I just sat here. I’ll be fine although I may sneak out to have a smoke but with my luck, if I did, that would be when the Dr would fucking come in so I better stay here. It can’t be that bad because the MRI was done HOURS ago, if it was bad, they’d be in here.

Me - too bad, I’ll be there in 15, you’re stuck with me. Muah hah hah ha! Maybe the Dr will come in while I’m on my way?!

Pearl - LOL you are something Pheefs, ever the optimist! If you insist on coming (and you REALLY don’t have to) can you bring me a phone charger if you have one in your drag bag please? And I’m sorry again, I feel like they tricked me. I will take care of Katya, just tell them NOT to tell anyone, be VERY clear you mean ANYONE and specifically say that includes Sharon!

Me - I will. I’ll see you soon. It’s ok, I would be mad too, I understand. I’m just glad your wrath will be directed at them not me anymore! Lol!

I put my phone face down on my knee and looked from one queen to the other. “Ok, I have been told to tell you,” I said calmly and slowly, “that if you tell ANYONE what you know, that Pearl will disembowel you with a rusty spoon.” They both made squidgy faces as I turned to point my finger into Alaska’s chest, “and she said to specifically say that ANYONE includes Sharon fucking Needles! But tell abso-fucking-lutely no one if you wish to keep Pearl from going all homicidal homo on your asses.”

Katya let out a wheezy bark of laughter. “Sorry! Ha homicidal homo...that’s a good one Pheefs!” Alaska started laughing too and I joined in.

After a few minutes of us cackling, Alaska gave me a little squeeze and let go. “Are you coming back with us? I’m going to order an uber or something.”

“No, I’ll get one on my own, I’m gonna go relieve Pearl for a little bit so she can have a cigarette, maybe convince her to go back to the hotel. She sounds like she’s climbing the walls over there.”

“We could come with you and keep you guys company? How’s Fame doing?” Katya offered.

I shook my head, shrugging off Alaska’s sweater and trying to give it to her, she wouldn’t let me though and draped it over my shoulders again. “No, I’ll go by myself, I’m sure they are just in a little tiny room. Pearl said Fame was sleeping anyway so I don’t think we should wake her, especially if she has the good drugs in her system and isn’t in as much pain.” I said with a little chuckle.

“At least I’m glad she’s resting now.” Katya said, chewing on her bottom lip. "I'm so sorry that Pearl got mad at you, I should have used my brain."

"It's ok, it's just...Pearl has grown so much, I'd hate to see her close in on herself again. She's gonna need to be able to talk with people, especially if something...uh...happens with Violet." A pang of pain went through my heart, I know that Vi's tests came back that they were beating this beast but I couldn't help worrying. Cancer is so damn unpredictable.

"Hey, hey, Vi's gonna be ok." Katya reassured me, rubbing my back. I just nodded.

Alaska ordered us both ubers, I grabbed my wallet and charger from my drag bag and sent the rest back with them. There was no reason to lug 15 pounds of makeup and pads to the hospital and back.

The hospital was pretty big but the uber driver dropped me off at the emergency entrance, I hesitated outside the nurses window. What was Fame's last name again? I couldn't very well walk up and say I was here to see a patient named Kurtis. I was just about to text Pearl when I remembered.

I pulled the curtain back slowly, peeking in but not stepping in yet. Pearl was dozing in the armchair. I sucked in a small gasp of air at the sight of Fame. Something about seeing her in a hospital bed, in a gown with an IV, her head lolled to the side. A giant oxygen mask obscured half of her face, large purple circles under her eyes. She was pale which made the purple and blue bruises on her face stand out in stark contrast. It somehow made what happened to her more real and I felt a surge of anger at the assholes that did that to her.

I paused in the doorway, I didn't want to make any noise. Pearl grimaced and ground her teeth in her sleep, I winced at the grating noise. At least she was getting a few minutes of sleep in. I could hear a gurney rolling down the hall and took a few tiny steps into the room. Pearl's head snapped up, eyes wide as she took in her surroundings until she saw me, she quickly pasted on a smile but it didn't reach her haunted looking eyes.

I quickly walked over as she stood up, I pulled her into a hug and couldn't help but notice the tremble running through her body and into mine. "Hey there you." I said softly.

"Hey," she whispered and cleared her throat.

"Y'ok?" It was a stupid question and I immediately kicked myself for it, "sorry dumb question."

She sank back down in the chair, lacing her fingers together and staring down at them like they were the most interesting thing in the world. I crouched down, she momentarily flinched when I put my hand on her knee but quickly recovered. "I'm not ok Pheefs, I'm far from ok. I'm so tired." She whispered brokenly, bowing her head down. I knew she didn't mean that she was physically tired, although I'm sure she was, I knew in my gut that she meant that bone crushing emotional weariness that comes from the energy it takes to keep going, to keep the walls up to protect your heart at all costs, even from yourself at times.

"I know you are babe, I'm so proud you can admit that you aren't ok, that you feel safe enough and trust me enough to admit that means the world to me." My voice cracked with emotion.

She looked up at me, tears were in her eyes but they didn't fall as she said seriously, "I will always trust you Jer. You are one of my very best friends and I don't know what I would have done without you these past few weeks with everything that has happened."

"What happened with the police?" If I thought I was mad before, it was nothing to the rage I felt after she told me, my hands balled into fists. I couldn't blame Fame for not wanting to bother reliving it but it made me furious that the fuckheads who did this to her wouldn't pay! I didn't get much of a chance to respond since Fame stirred and let out a little whimper.

Pearl hopped up and dashed around me and pulled Fame's hand into hers. "It's ok Kurtis, I'm here. You're safe. I got you Kurt. No leave that on please." Pearl replaced the mask back on Fame's face and captured both of Fame's hands in hers to prevent her from doing it again. It took Fame a few moments to wake up enough to stop struggling to pull her hands from Pearl's as Pearl continued to reassure her that she was safe. Fame seemed to calm, closing her eyes again.

"I'm going to go see if I can get an update." I couldn't just sit there doing nothing. I went out to the nurses desk, drumming my fingers on the countertop as I waited for someone to come by.

"Can I help you?" The nurse looked up from her stack of papers and then did a double take, she smiled, "hey, aren't you Phi Phi O'Hara?"

"Guilty as charged." I joked with a little grin back.

"Are you ok? I just got here and I'm playing catch up," she waved a hand at the stack of clipboards and paper-laden file folders, she frowned, "are you sick? What can I do?"

"I'm fine, Fame is here and she's not so fine. Pearl and I were wondering when we would get to talk to the Dr and if we could take her back to the hotel tonight."

"Oh Fame and Pearl are here too? I'm sorry Fame isn't well, I know the doctor just got here too, let me go check with her. I'll be right back." She rifled through the files for a minute til she found one that had Kurtis Dam-Mikelson on the front and took off to the back. She was gone for maybe 5 minutes, she came out with a troubled look on her face and I knew she had read what happened to Fame, I hoped she wouldn't tell anyone. "So Dr Fisher will be in in about 5 minutes, it's a safe bet you'll be able to take her home with you...well back to the hotel."

I smiled, "when you travel as much as we do, our home is each other instead of a place."

"Aww that's lovely. Ok well tell Fame I hope she feels better. I'm so sorry about what happened to her! Now, you might want to prepare her that a counsellor will probably want to talk to her before she goes, it's policy in cases of violent crimes. Oh I feel so bad!" She had tears in her eyes, "sorry, I'm not usually all emotional like this, I just feel like you guys are like...like friends...like I know you."

I echoed my statement from earlier that I had said to Pearly, "hey, it's ok to not be ok!" I gave her a lame little pat on the back and walked away. It wasn't that her words or display of emotion bothered me, I just wanted to get back to Fame and Pearly. I didn't know if they had eaten since the pizza this afternoon, I mean Fame was asleep but Pearl hadn't had more than half a piece of pizza all day that I had noticed. I doubted that she had left Fame's side to seek out food or water.

Well I thought Fame was asleep until I heard her raised voice, I wondered if the police had made their way back into the room. I pulled the curtain aside and ducked, narrowly avoiding my head coliding with the mug Fame had just thrown at a startled looking young woman with a hospital ID that said Deena Dale and then Psychologist Resident in smaller letters. She ducked and the mug shattered against the wall behind us.  
Well shit!


	184. Just breathe

Adore’s POV

I squirmed down in bed deeper, I forgot where I was until I opened my eyes to see the pale purple walls of Vi and Lucy’s hospital room. I heard giggling as I rolled and stretched out, all my muscles were sore from shivering but it was 100 percent worth it when I saw Vi sitting up in bed, smiling. Their cheeks had some colour and they were actually eating something. They were so damn beautiful. They threw their head back and laughed at something Lucy just said.

They looked over at me, I loved how the corners of their deep-set eyes crinkled when they smiled. “I see you over there! How ya feeling?”

“I’m good.” I stretched again, letting out a little groan. I couldn’t stop grinning like an idiot, it was so nice to see them awake after all we had been through today. “How are you?”

“I’m good, thanks to you. Still a bit tired.”

“I heard you were quite the hero Danny, I’m sorry I missed the action but Vi I’m glad you’re feeling better of course!”

I plodded over in my sock feet to give Vi a kiss. “You scared me so much today.” Their arms snaked around me and held me close, I was overcome with such strong emotion that I started sobbing into their shoulder. The images of their face after we were kissing and they realized something was very wrong, when they grabbed their chest and I thought it was their heart, the feeling when they went completely slack in my arms, their head lolling to the side. 

They cupped the back of my head in their hand, rubbing the stubble on it. “Shhh love. It’s ok! I’m ok!” They kissed my head, their breath hot, “please don’t cry Danny. I’m sorry for scaring you, I’m so sorry. Please stop crying,” they begged. I sniffled as Mom put a box of tissues on Vi’s lap, they mopped up my face. They grinned at me, “you’re a mess!”

“I’m sorry!” 

Vi opened their mouth but their phone ringing interrupted them, Mom tossed the phone onto their lap like it was a hot potato.

“Hello?” Vi’s brow knitted together with worry, I could hear someone screaming on the other end, Vi pulled the phone away from their ear. “Slow down Pearl, I can’t understand you! Is that her yelling? Just put her on the phone.” They pulled the phone away and covered the receiver and mouthed, “it’s Fame.”

I pulled their hand into mine and gave it a squeeze. We could still hear Fame screaming.

My Mom looked around awkwardly for a moment and then announced, “I feel like going down to Starbucks, wanna come with me Luce?”

“Uh yeah, sounds good. Let’s take my chair, faster get away!” Lucy quipped, flipping herself into her chair and plopping a hat on her bald head, “Why don’t we stop and get my friend Fred on the way by!”

“Sounds good!” Mom said, giving me a wink before her and Lucy split.

“Hey sweetie,” Vi said in a completely foreign syrupy sweet voice, sing-songing, “you need to calm down ok? Take a few deep breaths and tell me about what happened. Can I put you on speaker, I have an IV in my hand and holding the phone kinda hurts. It’s just Danny and I.” They listened for a minute before clicking the speakerphone button.

Fame’s ragged breathing and sobbing came through the phone, she was hysterical, “I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry Deena! I’m so sorry!”

Who the fuck was Deena?

“I swear I’m not crazy. I’m not! I’m sorry, you just surprised me is all! I’m not crazy!” Fame was sputtering and wheezing and coughing.

“FAME? FAME! Please talk to me,” Vi begged, “what happened?”

An alarm went off and at first I thought it was Violet’s but they didn’t have any monitors. It was from the other end of the line.

“Ok! Ok! Ok! I’m ok!” Fame repeated, terror in her voice as she tried frantically to calm herself.

“Fame, take some deep breaths with me. In for 4 and out for 8. In 1...2...3...4 ok now out 8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1. Good, that was good! Again.” Violet continued patiently for a good 5 minutes, sending worried looks my way. Fame went from crying so hard that any time she tried to speak it came out as a string of high pitched drawn together unintelligible words to softly sobbing. Telling them what happened in the parking lot when she was attacked, being afraid to come to the hospital, talking to the police and finding out that there wasn’t much they could do but Vi and I couldn’t keep our mouths shut at Fame’s choice to not press charges.

“That’s not right Fame!” I practically shouted in my outrage.

“No, it’s not Fame!” Vi said with knitted brows, squeezing my hand. “So was that what made you so upset? Is this Deena one of the police officers?”

“No, she’s a counselor.” A voice that sounded like Phi Phi’s came through, “sorry Fame, I was trying to get back here to tell you. They just wanna make sure you’re ok. It’s some policy from the hospital.”

“I’m not crazy.” Fame repeated.

“Oh I know you aren’t hun,” a young sounding girl reassured Fame, “like this gentleman here said, it’s Hospital policy that after you’ve been a victim of an act of violence,” Vi winced at the words, squeezing my hand even tighter. My stomach flip-flopped at the image in my head of someone attacking Fame. “We just want to make sure that you have someone to talk to and some type of aftercare plan.”

“I’m sorry I threw a mug at you.” 

Vi let out a little giggle and clapped a hand over their mouth to try to stifle it, “Fame! You threw a mug at someone?”

"Yeah, she surprised me and then I didn't know why she was here and I just got...I got angry. I never get angry." Fame whimpered, sounding like the thought of her getting angry was completely foreign. Well the more I thought about it, the more I realized it WAS a foreign concept, I had never even seen the sweet queen get frustrated. Not even when they lost all her luggage including her drag bags in Germany and there was 4 hours til the show because of flight delays. Fame just quickly bought some new clothes and undergarments and thankfully she hadn't checked her makeup. She even joked that it was a good challenge when she rushed back in with an hour and a half to paint instead of her customary 3 to 4 hours.

"It's common for victims to have mood changes and feel jumpy or uneasy." There was a rustling of paper, "I brought you some pamphlets on what to expect after experiencing a trauma."

There was a rustling of a curtain, "hi I'm Dr Fisher."

Fame sighed, her voice was tired as she announced, "gotta go Vi and Adore. We'll call you in a bit. Thanks for helping me with the breathing thing Wifey."

"We'll talk to you soon, please take it easy." There was a click and Vi tapped the off button on their phone. "Poor Fame," they whispered with a frown, looking down at their lap. "I feel just horrible."

"Me too." I sat beside them on the bed and wrapped my arms around them, both in our own little world of thoughts.


	185. Chapter 185

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2 chaps in one night? WHAT!!!? Lol Mawma has returned!

Fame's point of view

I could still feel my face radiating heat from my embarrassment, I can't believe I lost it like that. My hands shook as I tried to button up my shirt so we could go back to the hotel, I smoothed them down my jeans to try to calm them. Phi Phi had stepped out of the room while I got dressed after speaking to the Dr but Pearl hovered close-by, her arms crossed over her chest. I started to button my shirt again and noticed I had buttoned them off center, I started to undo my shirt again. At least it was easier to unbutton them.

Pearl sighed and walked over, she pushed my hands down and held them for a minute, looking me straight in the eye, Pearl spoke in a soft voice, "let me help." I swallowed and nodded resignedly. She deftly buttoned my shirt up and fixed my collar, "there ya go sweetie. Let's take you home now, sound good?" 

I nodded. It did sound good. I wasn't sure if I'd be allowed to after my little outburst but the Dr and Deena were both surprisingly understanding. Well that and I wasn't sure if they'd let me go because of my health, I had broken 3 ribs and bruised my liver. Pearl could barely hide her smirk as the Dr warned me to avoid alcohol. 

"I'm an alcoholic, recovered for many years, so you do not have to worry about me drinking Dr." 

"Oh well, that is good, that you are recovered and that you won't be drinking."

Pearl couldn't avoid interjecting, sighing deeply. "Dr Fisher, please tell him that he has to take the meds you prescribe. I know he worries about addiction but they are necessary right now right?"

She leveled a look at me, "I would not prescribe them if they were unnecessary. I promise you that I do not prescribe narcotics without due cause. The thing about this type of injury is that you may think you can handle the pain but the more pain you put yourself in, the more your muscles will tense up and it will make your recovery take longer because you will restrict your mobility. So I want you to keep on a STRICT schedule for the next 5 days and THEN you can lower the dose to one every 4 hours if you feel up to it. I trust your friends will help you remember?" She looked from Pearl to Phi Phi, who both nodded emphatically.

I clutched the pamphlets and a prescription for pain medication and papers for daily blood work to make sure my liver was healing itself as Pearl eased my shoes on. When I stood up, I had to close my eyes for a minute as the room spun.

"Y'ok?" Pearl put an arm around me and held me up by the arm on my good side. I nodded.

When we finally got up to the hotel room it was almost 3. Pearl made me take my meds, setting an alarm for 7 for the next dose and then forced some chicken fingers and fries into me before helping me into clean pyjamas and easing me into bed with fresh ice. Phi Phi settled beside me, trying not to move the bed.

I fell asleep as soon as the meds hit me but I was woken up a few hours later. At first I thought that Pearl was waking me up to take more medication when Phi Phi murmured from across the room, "Matt, wake up! You're ok! It's Jeremi. He's not here! They're not here! You're safe." My chest tightened as I turned my head to see Phi Phi kneeling over Pearl in the light spilling out of the cracked open bathroom door. She was holding Pearl's hands against the mattress while he thrashed around. I wondered how many times this had happened before. Phi Phi had straddled Pearl while he tried to buck her off. "Matt!" Phi Phi gave him a shake, Pearl screamed and then sat bolt upright, knocking his and Phi Phi's heads together with a thud, making Phi Phi curse. Pearl was breathing hard like he'd just ran a marathon, Phi Phi had scrambled off him and put a hand on his shoulder, making him jump. "It's ok. You're ok Matt! It's Jeremi, you are in a hotel in Seattle. What can you feel, see, smell and hear?"

"I can..." Pearl panted as he scrunched the sheets in his hands, "I can feel the sheets in my hands, they're kinda scratchy. I...I can't see much because it's dark but I can see your outline. I smell the food from earlier, the grease. I hear my heartbeat in my ears and the clock on the wall ticking. I'm ok, I'm ok, I'm back. Oh God! Are you ok? I'm sorry! Did I hurt you this time? Is Fame ok?"

"I'm ok." I whispered, making them both jump. "Sorry."

Pearl was still breathing heavily like he couldn't catch his breath, a hand over his chest. Phi Phi disappeared into the bathroom to return with a glass of water and a pill bottle, leaving the door open. "Have some water hun, do you need your meds? Tell me again."

Pearl gulped down the water, holding the glass in both of his shaking hands. His voice stronger as he said, "I can feel the glass in my hands, it's cold. I can see the open bathroom door reflected in the TV screen. I smell bleach from the sheets and I can hear the tap in the bathroom dripping." Pearl reached out and clutched Phi Phi's wrist, pulling her closer, still sounding panicked. "Are you hurt Jer? Did I hurt you?"

"You just bumped our heads together, I'm fine Pearly. Do you need your meds?"

"Yes, ok. I'm so tired." Phi Phi plucked the glass out of Pearl's hands and replaced it with the pill bottle before returning with another full glass of water. 

I didn't know what to say so I closed my eyes, deciding I'd just pretend I went back to sleep until I figured out something comforting to say. What did you say though?

"Did Fame fall asleep again?" Pearl whispered.

There was a pause while I lay perfectly still, trying to regulate my fast beating heart.

"I think so."

"Do you think she'll remember it in the morning? I don't want to scare her."

"I don't know, maybe not with the meds."

"I hope not." Pearl muttered and then yawned.

"C'Mon, lay down."

"I'm afraid. I don't want it to happen again. I tried so hard to stay awake. I'm sorry for waking you up, you were sleeping so soundly beside Famey too."

"Do you want me to lay with you and keep an eye on you? I don't mind. If I was over here, you wouldn't have gotten so deep in the dream, I know when to wake you up."

"I know you do." Pearl scoffed, "I can't believe all the shit I put you through when we were dating. Do you think anyone knows?" It took everything in me not to gasp in shock.

"No, I don't think so. Lay down and rest Matt." Pearl sighed and there was a rustle of sheets. I opened my eyes a crack to see Matt laying on his stomach, Phi Phi was curled up beside him on her side as she rubbed his back. "I got you. You're ok. I'll keep you safe, I promise."

"I know you will. Thanks Jer," Pearl murmured and yawned again. 

Everything went quiet and eventually I fell asleep again.


	186. rock and reminisce

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this isn't not a bad chapter but it's not not a bad chapter!

Violet’s POV

“So you get this med to boost your wbcs so we don’t have a repeat of yesterday and antibiotic and then chemo in about an hour and a half. How are you feeling? How’s your pain? Vi? Did you hear me?” 

I turned my face from the window I had been staring at while I thought about everything that had happened in the past day. “Sorry, yes I heard you.”

“Are you ok? How are you feeling?”

“I feel pretty good actually, which isn’t exactly shocking since yesterday was so bad. Can Danny and I leave for a bit? Go for a walk or anything, go outside. I feel like I’m going stir crazy.”

Matt’s lips pursed as he thought, “I don’t want you off the floor, if you want to go outside, you’d need to wear a mask through the lobby. Your white blood cells are close to a healthy range but we don’t want to risk you getting ill. You could always go out on the little balcony garden that a lot of the parents use. Danny knows where it is. Then you’d still be on the oncology floor so close enough for help just in case but outside, it’s the best of both worlds!”

“Ok Hannah Montana,” I joked as he giggled and shook his head, “sounds good.”

“Have something to eat.”

I groaned, “what’s the point? It’s not like it will stay down!”

“I know it’s frustrating,” Matt said sympathetically, patting my knee as I sat cross legged in bed. “There’s an hour and a half, some of it will get digested. You can’t afford to lose any more weight Jason and I don’t want to have to tube you unless you think it would be easier. Would it?”

I shook my head. “No, you know I don’t want that. I’ll try, I promise.” 

“Ok, good. Just let someone know at the desk if you two do go out to the garden. Need anything else?”

“Nope,” I pulled an ensure towards me and cracked the lid. Matt smiled and gave a little wave and left. It was so unnaturally quiet in the room without Danny and Lucy, it wasn’t a bad thing, it was just different. Lucy had gone to the games room and Danny went to get a cover for his cast and to have a shower. I was restless for some reason, I was sick of this bed and these 4 walls, I was definitely sick of the hospital gown I had been put in yesterday. I lowered the railing on the bed and swung my spindly legs over the side of the bed, grabbing the IV pole to stand. My legs were a little wobbly but held me up ok. I pulled my housecoat on and dragged the IV pole and the table with the breakfast tray over to the window seat. Even that short amount of effort left me a little winded as I flopped myself down. I slowly ate while I stared out the window, I hugged my knees to my chest and rested my chin on them. It was such a pretty day and my soul itched for the fresh air, for the feeling of the sun kissing my skin. The sky was a perfect blue with those little fluffy white clouds, the sun was bright and the grass was vivid, inviting green and the tree leaves swayed in the breeze.

“Hey, you ok babe?” Danny sat down beside me, a worried look on his face.

I sighed, “I’m fine, just feeling a bit stir crazy. Matt said it would be ok for us to go out to the parent’s garden. I just need to get dressed first, you know...underwear and that bullshit.”

“Do you need some help?”

“Horndog.”

“I didn’t mean it like that!” He waggled his brows, “unless you want me to mean it like that.”

“Well I normally would,” I said, pulling him into a kiss, “but I’m feeling really fucking anxious, like verge of a panic attack anxious. Raincheck?” 

His face fell, his lips forming their natural pout. “Ok! Totally! Let’s get you out of this room. What can I do?”

“Well I’m moving kinda slow, can you pull me out some clothes and throw them in the bathroom while I get up?”  
“Sure babe, let me help you up.” Danny pulled me up and then ran around to my little locker and got my stuff. I was so motivated to get out of here that I got changed a lot quicker than I thought I could move. The antibiotics made my head feel floaty and like I was moving in slow motion but it was worth it to hopefully never have a repeat of yesterday.

Danny and I walked hand in hand down the hallway, he insisted on pulling my IV pole for me, occasionally there was a clang as it collided with his casted hand.

There was no one in the garden, I stood in the sun and closed my eyes with my face upturned to the sky, enjoying the warmth. I opened my eyes after a few minutes of deeply breathing in the scent of the close-by flowers, to find Danny staring at me with a small smile on his face. “What?” 

“Nothing. You’re just so beautiful. Come sit with me?” He patted the spot beside him on a swinging bench seat. I sat and leaned my bald head into the crook of his shoulder as he put his arm around me. I curled my legs under me and he set the swing in motion, we sat there in silence for a few minutes, just getting lost in each other’s eyes. 

“This is nice.” I sighed deeply, something inside me just felt lighter. “This movement...it reminds me of this chair Cass and I had growing up…” my voice faltered, why was it still so damn hard to talk about my childhood? Even with Danny.

“You can tell me about it, if you want to. I know it’s hard for you so you don’t have to, but if you want to, you can.”

I snuggled in closer to him, enjoying the warmth of the sun and his body. “When we were younger, our grandma had this old wooden rocking chair, you know, the kind with the fancy, swirly sides not the ones with just the curved parts and it had this fabric on it. It was dusty blue with pink rosebuds on it and Cass and I just thought it was the most beautiful thing in the world. We would rock on that thing, mostly out of boredom because grandma’s house was boring as fuck, but we would get giggling on that thing. This scar,” I pointed at the faint white line that I knew was still on the back of my head, “is from one time we had it going really hard, Cass was on my lap and we actually tipped it backwards and I cracked my head open. I had to get 6 stitches and Cass and I thought it was HI-LARIOUS! Needless to say, we weren’t allowed to rock in it anymore. About a year before she died Cass got really sick and we thought it was the end, Grandma gave us the chair because she knew it would make her smile. When she couldn’t sleep, we’d rock.” I wiped away a tear that had slipped down my cheek and frowned as something dawned on me. “I don’t know what ever happened to that chair. My parents probably gave it away because they didn’t want me to smash it.”

“Why would you smash it?” 

Shit. I hadn’t told Danny about that.

“You don’t have to tell me Jason.” Danny said softly.

“No, I want to. When Cass died...I was broken and I didn’t understand. So I went on a rampage. I thought if I got rid of anything that reminded me of her, it would be better, it would hurt less. We used to have these tea parties so I smashed all of the little rosebud china tea set our other Grandmother brought us back from England against the fence in out back yard where we’d have them. They had gold edges and we felt so fucking fancy.” I let out a little laugh and sarcastically added, “we really had a thing for rosebuds apparently. No wonder I didn’t really have to come out to my parents!” I couldn’t help but make a joke, I shivered in the sunlight as Danny wrapped his arms around me, still rocking us.

“Oh Jason, I’m so sorry.” He sighed into my ear as I buried my face in his chest and let out a muffled little sob. 

So we sat there, rocking in the sunlight, while I collected myself and my memories and Danny whispered sweet reassurances in my ear.


End file.
